Ghosts (2021) s05e06 Episode Script

1
Hey, Sass, uh, we wanted to
talk to you about Thanksgiving.
Obviously, we normally
go to Jay's parents.
Yeah, but this year,
they're going on a cruise.
Apparently, my mom wants to see Alaska
more than her baby boy.
- He is a 40-year-old man.
- SAMANTHA: Anyway,
we just wondered how
you might feel about us
doing a small Thanksgiving here?
And why are you asking me specifically?
SAMANTHA: Um
Jay?
I don't know what's being said.
Relax. I'm just messing with you.
Well, first off, I appreciate that
you guys even thought to ask.
And, yeah, if you want to have a dinner
to express gratitude
with friends and family,
like, I'm all for it.
- He says it's okay.
- But I would maybe ask
that we take some time
to remember the atrocities
that were committed against my people.
And that you make that
marshmallow yam thing.
Sasappis, oldest friend.
Thorfinn agrees important not
to gloss over difficult history.
All of which happened
long after Thor's time.
So, you're just distancing yourself?
Didn't you, like, murder
thousands of people?
[LAUGHS]: Yes, but in Europe, so
- clean hands.
- Okay.
This is a disgraceful display,
and I, for one, am disgusted,
especially as an Irish person
who was also oppressed.
You didn't even know you were Irish.
TREVOR: I'm pretty sure that during
the first Thanksgiving, my ancestors
were being chased out of the shtetl
by the Cossacks, so
Pete?
I'm from the '80s. I drove a Datsun.
Look, I think the point
is, you were all taught
this idyllic story about Thanksgiving,
and obviously, there's much more to it.
Right. Well said, Sasappis.
And really, all we can do
now is learn and be better,
because none of us were actually there.
Well
I-I wasn't there, either.
Baby, you're a colonizer.
I'm gay.
Is that anything?
What-what about our
Puritan friend Patience?
W-Where is she?
Patience! Patience!
We need you!
♪
Heading to Chicago for
your first book signing.
This is very exciting.
HETTY: I once made it
as far west as Michigan,
but I did not have the
confidence in my French
to continue on to Illinois.
SAMANTHA: I'm a little nervous.
I mean, the publisher says
we still haven't gotten
the sales numbers,
and what if nobody
shows up to my signing?
Then it shall be both our failures.
Though far more humiliating for you,
since you'll be there and
are alive and everything.
It's gonna go great, babe,
and we're gonna celebrate
with Thanksgiving
dinner, which you promised
you'd be back in time
for and not abandon me
like my parents did.
You pay taxes, you own a
home. Cut the cord, Jay.
SAMANTHA: Are you kidding?
Our first Thanksgiving
together in our own home?
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Samantha, have you reminded Jay
about turning on my sound
machine while you're gone?
I know that I was born
before electricity,
but now I cannot sleep
without the soothing
murmurs of the rainforest.
ISAAC: And I need him to turn on
the History Channel tonight at 6:00 p.m.
There's an American Revolution marathon,
and dare I say, it will
be the first marathon
Ben Franklin's ever been a part of.
Also, Thor need Small Man
to turn on night-light.
For Flower. Thor not at all
worried about monsters under bed.
Don't worry, guys, I have given Jay
a comprehensive list of ghost tasks.
You'll be well taken care of.
Yeah, guys, don't worry, I promise to
"turn Alberta's magazine page
- every 12 minutes"?
- ALBERTA: Oh, you tell him
to double that for any
Momoa-related content.
Your girl likes to savor.
Let's go, go, go. We got
to get a move on, Sammy.
Oh, relax, Pete, the flight
doesn't leave for three hours.
Which leaves just enough time
for you to get through security,
and for me to find your pilot
and make sure he's sober.
That Denzel movie? Scary accurate.
HETTY: Okay, this is unacceptable.
Trevor, I asked you 15 minutes ago
to have Jay open the curtains
so that I could stare
out my staring window.
He is not responding to
any of our texts, Hetty.
He not even checking list.
I am hitting send on a
very sternly worded warning
in which we threaten to tell Sam
that he's not doing our bidding.
You see how you like this.
[STRAINS]
[PHONE CHIMES]
Ha. Okay, you can tell
Sam whatever you want,
because here's what I'm telling you:
I'm not doing any of this.
- [GASPS]
- He did not.
This is actually really healthy for you.
You guys have gotten spoiled
with Sam kowtowing to your every need.
Well, guess what? There's
a new sheriff in town.
One that plays by his own set of rules.
I don't like this. I
don't like this at all.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm gonna go upstairs
and watch whatever
the hell I want on TV.
[LAUGHS]: Okay.
He is diabolical.
- We need to do something.
- HETTY: What if we text Sam
saying the house burned down?
She'd come running back.
No, she might check in with Jay first.
Otherwise, perfect plan, no notes.
Thor think Thor have idea.
If we can't have Sam and
we can't have Sam's man,
maybe we can have Man Sam.
Wait, I speak Thor.
- I think he's talking about Kyle.
- [GASPS]
- Yeah. That's what I say.
- Hold on. Kyle?
The Living who can see ghosts,
who hit on Sam last time he was here?
Yeah, I don't think Jay's
gonna be doing backflips
over us inviting Kyle to the house.
- Yeah, that's a good point.
- Although, when you think about it,
here is the one place
we know Samantha is not.
So, in a way, by having Kyle come here,
Jay should be put at ease.
- How?
- Well, if Kyle is here,
then Kyle cannot be out
there potentially bumping into
an unchaperoned Samantha.
So, you saying we not just
bringing Man Sam to be butler,
we actually potentially
saving Sam and Jay's marriage.
- Ooh.
- HETTY: Oh
We are good people.
Now, let's text Kyle
pretending to be Jay
and we'll deal with the
fallout when he gets here.
Oh, yes.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Not-not quite done.
And-and almost there.
Okay, you can turn it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Wait a minute. Who's Derek?
- Can you go back a few pages?
- [EXHALES]
Pete, are you sure you
don't want to just stretch
your legs for a bit before we board?
It's kind of a long flight.
Oh. That's not a bad idea.
Maybe I'll go sample some of the smells
over at the old Cinnabon.
Dang, that's fun to say.
Cinnabon. Cinnabon.
Cinnabon-bon-bon-bon.
- Okay.
- [LAUGHS]
You know, the Cinnabon was actually
a Keychain Hut a while ago,
and there was a guy
named Phil that ran it,
and Phil went to Ithaca
College. True story.
Why would I think it was fake?
Well, it's a pretty good college,
and Phil was not the best student.
Yeah, and I didn't know
any of those things, Pete.
Well, now you do.
Cinnabon-bon-bon-bon-bon.
Ithaca. That's another fun one to say.
Ithaca. Ithaca-ca-ca. [LAUGHS]
Wait, who is Derek?
KYLE: Hey.
I'm here. Man, that
Thanksgiving traffic is brutal.
Okay, first of all, thank
you so much for coming.
- Second, please accept our apologies.
- For what?
- What the hell are you doing here?
- For that.
I'm confused.
You invited me.
Why would I invite you?
You made a move on my wife.
Was us. We invite you.
Now finish up saying hellos
and commence cooking
food for us to smell.
Ah. The ghosts are
saying they invited me.
Seriously, guys? I tell
you I won't be your butler
so you call my nemesis?
Wow, "nemesis" is a far cry
from this reconciliation text I got,
which I'm now realizing
must have come from Trevor,
due to the late '90s Bud Light GIF.
Wassup?
[STAMMERS] This is so embarrassing.
Jay, I will get out of your hair.
- No, please don't go.
- What about Momoa?
I'm sorry, guys. I can't help you.
- What are they saying?
- Just doing their typical ghost begging.
- [GASPS]
- Well, we didn't want it to come to this, Kyle,
but please tell Jay
that if he doesn't allow you to stay,
we're gonna tell Sam
of how he's been eating
- since she's been away.
- KYLE: He's an adult.
I'm sure Sam doesn't care what he eats.
Wait, what are they saying?
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
No, that can't be
possible. For breakfast?
- Oh, no.
- In the bathtub?
Four Big Dill Double
Smashers in one sitting.
THORFINN: 'Twas a feast,
but not a celebration.
Reeked of shame.
Is this about the Sonic?
It's about the Sonic.
Okay, fine, you can stay
and help with ghost stuff,
but you stay out of my way.
And the bathroom is
supposed to be off-limits.
Off-limits, ghosts.
- Was it Hetty?
- Yeah.
Victorian perv.
Really? They tricked Kyle into coming?
I'm so sorry about that, Jay.
Whatever. Ghosts are gonna ghosts.
How'd the book signing go?
It was okay. I don't really
want to talk about it.
Honestly, the hardest part has been
Pete. [CHUCKLES]
I just never spent this much
one-on-one time with him.
He's been very annoying.
Hmm. Well, that doesn't
sound like my boy.
Although, to be fair, I've
never once interacted with him.
Here he comes. I got to go.
Hey, deep breaths, babe.
Just a quick flight home,
and then our Thanksgiving feast awaits.
I can't wait to see you.
Aww, I can't wait to see you, either.
I'm gonna go shower
with my bathing suit on.
Please hurry back. Love you.
- Love you.
- [SILLY VOICE]: Hey, Sam.
[REGULAR VOICE]: I just
met a really nice ghost
over at the Hudson News.
I told her you'd look up her nephew
to see if he ever became a dentist.
- Seriously?
- It's gonna take some time, too,
because she died in 1905,
so the nephew's also long dead.
- How expensive is Ancestry.com?
- One short flight.
- What's that?
- ANNOUNCER: Due to an unresolved labor dispute,
all ground crew are on
strike, effective immediately.
All flights are canceled at this time.
- [PEOPLE MURMURING]
- What? No.
Fish sticks.
But look on the bright side, Sammy,
you and I are about to spend
a whole lot more time together.
Fish sticks.
All right, road trip time.
[LAUGHS]: This is fun. Good, clean fun.
- Uh-huh.
- I think we can make it in 13 hours,
which puts us back at Woodstone
just in time for turkey.
- Great.
- And that's even allowing
for several brief
stops for the one of us
who still needs to pee.
Now, if we really want
to shave some time
Pete, I've already said no,
I'm not wearing a diaper.
Damn it, why won't this
stupid phone connect?
Just put it in the cupholder facing me,
I'll keep my eye on the map,
you keep your eye on the road.
Now, do you have a preference
in terms of navigation voice?
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]: Crikey!
Turn left in 300 meters.
[REGULAR ACCENT]: The Australian
accent will be in metric.
Or I just use my regular voice.
Yikes.
Okay, Sass, your, uh,
pizzas are on the way.
Pepperoni? Extra pungent?
I did ask for that.
They seemed confused,
- but we'll see what arrives.
- Thank you.
- Turn!
- On it.
Hetty and Isaac, I know Jay
is watching football on
the TV, so I downloaded
the latest season of Bodices and Barons
for you to watch on the iPad.
And you'll watch it with us?
- Shirtless?
- Yeah, sure.
But not the shirtless thing.
Man Sam is true boon to the house.
Too bad Small Man hate his guts.
SASAPPIS: Seriously. It'd be great
to have you ghost-sit us
whenever Sam goes out of town.
Agreed, because even my
tier-one ghost power has limits.
I can poke, but I can't grab.
It's probably for the best.
It wouldn't be fair.
Grabbing would make me a god.
Yeah, well, unfortunately,
I think this might be
the last time I'm here.
- Turn.
- It's a bummer. I really enjoy
being around Livings who know my secret,
and Jay seems like a really nice guy.
Well, what if we were able to
help you mend fences with Jay?
Fence mending. Now,
there's a shirtless activity
if ever I heard one.
- W-what do you mean, Sass?
- SASAPPIS: Well, I mean,
you got a bunch of people
right here who basically know
everything there is to know about Jay.
What if we helped you
- make inroads with him?
- I'm listening.
Are you? I said "turn,"
like, two minutes ago.
- Oh, sorry.
- HETTY: Good little butler boy,
doing what we say.
- What?
- I said,
"Let's help you win over Jay."
SAMANTHA: I don't understand.
This doesn't even look like a road.
- This is what the GPS said?
- If GPS stands for
"good Pete suggestion," then you betcha.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm saying
the robot is no match
for a travel agent.
This thing was sending us
straight into holiday traffic.
It didn't even know about State Road 81.
Trust me, this is a huge time-saver.
Oh!
Crikey.
[SIGHS]
Hey.
What you doing? You,
uh, watching football?
- Yep.
- Cool. I love football.
NFL. You got a, you got a team in this?
Nope. I'm just hoping the Cowboys lose.
Oh, yeah, me, too.
Big Giants fan. Those '80s
teams were just the greatest.
You know, Mark Bavaro, Phil Simms.
And the linebackers. LT, Pepper Johnson.
And the linebackers.
- LT, Pepper Johnson.
- JAY: Whoa, Kyle.
You really know your stuff.
Thor like the Vikings.
Does Boston have a team?
What's their mascot? An alcoholic?
How about that 1990 season,
when Simms got injured
in, like, the last game?
Hostetler came in and led the G-Men
on an epic Super Bowl run.
- Hostetler. Unforgettable.
- Talk about the best mustache
since Magnum, P.I. Say it.
Trust him, dude. He's
gotten you this far.
Talk about the best
mustache since Magnum, P.I.
Hell yeah.
HETTY: Men require such
tenuous ground for friendship.
Hey, man, you want to sit
down and watch the game?
Did LT end Joe Theismann's
career on Monday Night Football?
Did LT end Joe Theismann's
career on Monday Night Football?
Whoa, that's dark, Kyle.
But I like it.
[SOFT LAUGHTER]
Go Vikings!
So loud.
- [INSECTS CHIRPING]
- Come on. Pick up.
I counted 38 rings. I don't
think they're answering.
That was the last tow
company in a 50-mile radius.
You know, I can't help but
feel partially responsible.
- You don't say.
- On the other hand,
you did sort of force
me to look for a shortcut
because you refused to
wear the Huggies Pull-Ups,
as I suggested.
Was it because they
had dinosaurs on them?
'Cause those can be for gals, too.
Just shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up!
- Okay.
- I can't take it anymore.
The tips and the quips and the stories,
and every town we passed, you knew a guy
who worked at a place who did a thing.
I was just trying to
be a good travel buddy.
The only thing that you have
done, besides get us stranded
in the middle of nowhere,
is annoy the crap out of me.
I wish you weren't even here.
Well, looks like you
might get your wish.
Oh, no.
We have to get you home, Pete.
- Like you even care.
- I didn't mean what I said.
I was stressed out and
I took it out on you.
Well, yeah, travel's stressful.
That's why people turn to
qualified professionals.
Or at least, they used to.
Now it's just, "bleep-blorp,
phone, bleep-bleep-blorp."
It's not just the travel
or your stories, it's
I don't know, the book.
I know it's just a Y.A. novel,
but for me, it's a big deal.
And nobody showed up at the signing.
I still haven't heard anything
about the sales numbers,
which doesn't seem like it bodes well.
There were a few people there.
Remember that one guy
that ran in, so excited,
and he asked you that question?
He wanted the bathroom code.
- He thought I worked there.
- Look,
it makes total sense
that you're stressed.
But no matter how the
book does, you already won.
You're a published author.
And I couldn't be prouder of you.
Thank you.
And if this is how it ends,
next to a broken-down rental
car outside of Dunbridge, Ohio,
I'm just glad it's with you, Sam.
Wait a second, did you
say Dunbridge, Ohio?
I remember a long time ago, you
told me a story about that place.
Yeah, I get it, I tell too many stories.
No, Pete, who was the guy you knew
who worked in Dunbridge, Ohio?
He had some sort of tour company?
Shane Johnsonbaugh.
Good man. Scratch golfer.
I remember his mother had a wooden eye.
Pete, look Johnsonbaugh Tour Company.
[CHUCKLES] They're still in business.
Maybe they could help us.
I mean, Shane's probably long gone.
It's worth a shot.
I know, right?
Walter Payton gets all the love,
but Ottis Anderson was the man.
But how do those teams stack up
against Eli Manning's Super Bowl teams?
TREVOR: Oh
Uh, that is after my time.
Uh, yeah, Manning, he was good.
JAY: Okay, here's a fun
one. If you could take
one receiver from that team
to start a new franchise with,
who you going with?
ISAAC: Just say an
extremely common name.
Archibald.
Or Sven.
M-Miller.
Miller? Who's Miller?
Uh, a receiver.
Oh, this is hard to watch.
Just say goodbye to our
shirtless butler dreams.
Kyle, name any Giant from 2001 to 2020.
Andre.
You were using Trevor?
Do you even know
anything about football?
Not in the way I think you're using it,
but I-I am a really big soccer fan.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry.
I just, I thought that maybe
if we bonded over something,
it would help smooth things over.
Not cool, man.
And ghosts, I'm not surprised,
but I am disappointed.
Nice work, Alberta.
How is this on me?
That is what you should
be saying about your hat.
- [LINE RINGING]
- Come on. Answer the phone.
SHANE [OVER PHONE]: Hello?
Hi. Uh, my name is Sam.
Is this Shane Johnsonbaugh
who founded Johnsonbaugh Tours?
Uh, no, that was my dad. Shane Sr.
Oh, okay, well,
my car broke down on State Road 81,
and no one in the area can help me.
I was hoping
[LAUGHS]: Lady, it's Thanksgiving.
And what were you doing out on 81?
That hasn't been a road in 20 years.
- Rub it in.
- Uh, sorry.
I knew it was a long shot, it's just
I'm a family friend
of the late Pete Martino.
Pete Martino?
Forget it, Sam. I'm gone
and clearly forgotten.
He was friends with your dad.
Man, I haven't heard that name
since my dad passed away ten years ago.
He loved that guy.
Said he always had the best stories.
- I'd have to agree with that.
- So, wait, you said you're stuck?
Yeah, but I just need a
lift to the nearest bus station.
I'm trying to get back
to the Hudson Valley.
Bus station?
You know, for a friend
of Pete Martino's,
I think I can do you
one better than that.
♪
Thank you, Shane!
[GASPS, EXHALES]
[LAUGHS]
Pete is complete!
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Happy Thanksgiving, babe.
Oh, you made it.
You arrive in helicopter?
Car is a "landship," but
you know "helicopter"?
Is what Skye flies in Paw Patrol,
so, yes, Thor familiar.
The house smells incredible.
Old soft hands Jay has
been cooking up a storm.
Hey, Sam. Hey, Pete.
- Ky Guy.
- SAMANTHA: Hi, Kyle. Uh,
thanks for babysitting the ghosts.
Jay, I-I just want to say
I'm-I'm, again, sorry for everything.
I, uh, I don't have a
lot of friends in my life
because of the, you know, freak thing.
Um, but, yeah, I'm gonna
get out of your hair.
I think Blimpie is open
till 6:00 on holidays, so
What a sad history
that knowledge implies.
You okay if I invite him to stay?
- If you're comfortable with that.
- Kyle, wait.
I overheard what you said
and, yes, I'd love to stay.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yes!
Man Sam back in the fold.
Oh, let's all go freshen up.
Kyle looks like he could
use a long, steamy shower.
Hetty, I can see you.
Mm-hmm, I can see you, too.
Scrub-a-dub-dub, butler boy.
I'd like to take a moment
to pay tribute to Sasappis
and the Lenape people.
So, I prepared
what the Lenape referred to
as the three sisters:
corn, beans and squash.
Kind of a long-winded way of saying
you didn't make my
yams and marshmallows.
And now, as promised, the coup de grâce,
yams and marshmallows.
Yes. The fourth and fifth sisters.
[STRAINS] Let's go.
[GROANS] This is so lame.
Why are we at the kids' table?
We're the newest ghosts. Hey.
Should we choreograph a dance
and present it to the grown-ups?
We're all grown-ups, Pete.
We're post-grown-ups. We're dead.
I would like to say something. Uh
Thanksgiving is about
family and friends.
And sometimes, those are the people
who annoy you the most.
But they're also the people
who you would miss the most
if they weren't there.
We're only in each other's lives
for such a fleeting amount of time.
- Not that fleeting.
- And it's easy to get caught up
in reaching a goal or getting
to a certain destination.
But what matters is who
you're on the journey with.
Right back at you, Sammy.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Even Isaac, who was a colonizer.
A gay colonizer.
All right, I'm going into
the dirt to find Patience.
♪