Ghosts (2021) s05e07 Episode Script

1
[SIGHS]
It's just so sad.
What's going on?
Sass has been posting up on that bench
for three days, pathetically
waiting for Joan.
She said she'd be back November 28.
That's the day the lovers in her
steamboat romcom finally kissed.
But unlike the plucky heroine
in Choppy Waters,
this woman clearly has
no intention of returning.
Someone needs to just set him straight.
We can't have him sitting
out on that bench all day.
- I know. Poor guy.
- HETTY: No.
I mean, he's in direct
view of my pondering window.
I don't want to be looking at
that sad sack while I ponder.
- Agreed. We should say something.
- [SCOFFS]
- Um hey, guys.
- Hey, Sass. There's our slugger.
I'm starting to worry that
Joan's not coming back.
That maybe she doesn't like me anymore?
Uh, is that crazy?
- No. What?
- Not possible.
- She's obsessed with you.
- SASAPPIS: Great.
So, I should go back
out there and wait, or
Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Although, maybe you should try
waiting at the bench at
the back of the house.
If memory serves, I believe,
last time, she arrived from the south.
Yeah. Good call. Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Thanks, guys.
Poor schmuck.
- Somebody should really say something.
- Hmm.
♪
JAY: Oh, man, last night was rough.
Oh, the dishwasher broke at Mahesh.
And then Sass came into my dreams
to whine about Joan. Again.
- Sass is in here.
- Oh, boy.
Ah, sorry for bending your ear, Jay. Oh.
Also, Natalie Portman was in
his dream last night. Again.
TREVOR: You know, Sass, now that Jay
has so callously brought
it up, it does seem
like Joan might not be coming back.
Yes, Sasappis. I'm sorry.
I know that's difficult to hear.
SASAPPIS: Oh, you guys are right.
I'm such an idiot, and
ugh, why is love so hard?
- Guess who's getting married?!
- SAMANTHA: Oh, my God.
- Eric proposed?
- No, but he's going to.
Imminently. Get this. He called me,
asked me if my nails were done.
And said he's coming to visit tomorrow.
And last week, he asked
me for my ring size.
I'm so happy for you.
Oh, let me also note
that there are no employee
or family discounts for
weddings at the mansion.
- Jay
- Bela, I'm so excited for you.
It is kind of a bummer I
know it's coming, though.
I guess I just always imagined
that my proposal would be a surprise.
JAY: Ah, your proposals don't always
go the way you expect them to go.
When I proposed to Sam,
it was a bit of a mess,
but ultimately, it didn't matter,
because it's not about the proposal.
- Uh-huh.
- Oof. That "uh-huh" tells a sad tale.
So, have you given any thought
to a maid of honor? [LAUGHS]
You know what's crazy?
I've never even been one.
Seriously, Sam? So thirsty.
Yeah. I don't actually know if
we're gonna do wedding parties.
Incredible. That question
was so uncomfortable,
it caused Bela to abandon
[LAUGHING]: wedding parties completely.
Oh, it would be so boring to be a ghost
- in the house of a socially adept Living.
- Mm.
- We are lucky.
- Hmm.
ISAAC: Life is hard in
the basement, Peter.
Those freaks sleep standing up.
Well, no one's forcing
you to live down there.
[CHUCKLES] I have to
establish residency.
I lost the upstairs primary.
Now, my only chance
at winning the ghost
representative election lies
in my securing the nomination
of the basement ghosts.
How do you sleep standing up?
I don't. I haven't.
And the only thing worse than
the nights are the days
with the wall-to-wall water-heater talk.
"Have you heard that gurgle?"
"Ooh, that's a pretty good gurgle."
Isaac, why are you
doing this to yourself?
Even if you win, the position
doesn't even mean that much.
It means everything, Peter.
I'm an elected official
who's never won an election.
Uh, I mean, maybe you can get Sam
to move a cot down there for you.
[LAUGHING]: No, no, no, no, no.
If I am to win their vote,
I need to show that I am one of them.
A man of the people.
You see, Peter
[SNORES LIGHTLY]
Isaac?
- Isaac!
- Yes. Gurgles.
Heard the gurgles. Ooh.
And the order for the new
dishwasher has been placed,
which is the least exciting
thing I've ever spent money on.
My dishwasher slept with my husband.
Quit your complaining.
- I'm such an idiot.
- What happened?
Eric's not coming.
There's no engagement.
I got completely Sasappis'd.
What was that? Sasappis'd?
Some people are using
it as a sort of catchall
for experiencing profound
romantic disappointment.
- What's going on?
- BELA: Eric just called
and said he's canceling his trip.
He said he had an
"architecture emergency."
This term made the leap to the Livings?
When something's catchy,
bro. You should be flattered.
BELA: And get this. The
reason he asked my ring size
is because he's getting us
his and hers bowling balls.
Well, you know
Oh, no, Jay's terrible
at silver linings.
it's almost the weekend.
That ain't even connected.
What is wrong with him?
BELA: I can't believe I
thought he was going to propose.
I just paid a woman $100 to put
snail mucus all over my face.
Snail mucus, Jay!
In my day, we powdered our
faces with lead and arsenic.
We didn't know. We didn't care.
We looked incredible.
[SIGHS] I'm gonna go watch
some bowling tutorials,
'cause that's my life now.
Just a sad bowling lady with
great skin and a well-fit ball.
- [FOOTSTEPS RETREATING]
- TGIF.
[SIGHS] Just stop.
She's going to be so surprised.
Wait, what are you talking about?
Eric didn't actually cancel.
He just pretended to cancel
so he could surprise her.
- I called him and gave him the idea.
- JAY: Babe, I don't think
this is something you should
be getting involved in.
Oh, come on. I just want
Bela to love her proposal.
It's something that only
happens once. It's a big deal.
Does this have something
to do with our proposal?
No.
- That's a yes.
- JAY: Okay,
first of all, obviously, I
wasn't planning on doing it
on the tarmac at JFK after
a baby puked in your lap.
- What the hell?
- JAY: I was gonna do it
in the Bahamas, but then,
I pulled out a napkin
from my pocket, and also,
accidentally, the ring,
and then, you saw the ring, and
And then you said a bunch
of swear words, and you said,
"I guess you know I want to marry you."
And I love that that's our
story, Jay. I really do.
But we have the chance to give Bela one
that makes her really
happy, so why not try?
Okay.
You know, what I had planned
was pretty cool, by the way.
Mark, the contractor he
proposed in a Rite Aid, so
Now he's just listing worse proposals?
This is not where you want to be, bro.
[SNORING]
[WATER DRIPPING]
Oh, yes.
[SIGHING]: Oh, yes.
[SIGHING]: Ah.
Mm.
- NANCY: Well
- [GASPS]
well, well.
A gal goes out for an
evening cheese sniff,
and what does she find?
A stinker.
- I can explain.
- Oh, you're not one of us.
You're a lay-down cushion boy,
and you're never gonna be
our ghost representative.
No! I'm a man of the people.
- Oh, you're a man of the couch.
- No!
Nancy, wait.
I was just resting my eyes.
I loathe being prone.
Nancy!
[INSECTS TRILLING]
WOMAN [ON SCREEN]:
Oh, it's so beautiful.
And it fits.
The bowling ball fits.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Hey, there, Bela.
Um, I'm Sass. [LAUGHS]
Sass? What are you doing here?
I can go into people's
dreams. It's not a big deal.
But it is a tier-one power.
Anyway, I just came to check on you.
I heard about the whole
engagement disappointment.
That's really nice of you.
Look, I get it.
I've been going through
kind of a tough time myself.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ON SCREEN]
Thanks.
Tomorrow is going to be so fun.
I can't wait to see
the look on Bela's face.
Yeah. I just I hated
seeing her so upset.
Jay, it's one night.
Then she'll have the rest
of her life to be happy.
Nothing bad is going to happen
because of one night of disappointment.
I mean, maybe he'll never propose.
Well, he'd be an idiot,
because you're awesome.
Aw. You're awesome.
- I'm so lonely.
- Me, too.
♪
JAY: Good morning, babe.
Anybody get engaged yet?
All Eric would say on the phone is
that it's definitely happening today,
and it's going to be incredible.
- Hey, uh, Sam, can I talk to you?
- Absolutely.
- Sass is in here.
- Um, okay, don't really know
how to say it, so, I'm just
going to come out with it.
I hooked up with Jay's sister.
[HETTY AND ALBERTA GASPING]
- What?
- What?
- How?
- What's happening?
SASAPPIS: In her dream. I
went in there to commiserate,
and, you know, one thing
led to another, and
Sass and Bela hooked up in her dream.
Oh, God.
That crazy bitch did it.
She finally hooked up with a ghost.
This is bad. This is very bad.
Well, hold on. Nothing really happened.
It was just a dream.
Interesting. Okay, I want to
go on this journey with you
because it makes my sister less crazy.
And mitigates his
Natalie Portman problem.
But I do have to point out that
none of this would have happened
if you hadn't meddled in her engagement.
What is he talking
about? What engagement?
Bela said that Eric's not proposing.
Bela was mistaken,
because our friend Sam
engineered a delay in the proposal
for the purpose of
setting up a surprise.
SASAPPIS: Oh, my God. I'm a homewrecker.
From virgin to homewrecker
in a matter of months.
What a journey.
I'm sorry, Jay. And Sass.
But I do believe we have
a bit of a loophole
some moral wiggle room, if you will
with the whole "hooking up
with a ghost in a dream" thing.
- Okay.
- TREVOR: I can't believe
I wasn't the first ghost
to hook up with a Living.
It was my destiny.
JAY: Well, what if Bela
feels guilty and tells Eric?
That'll blow up the whole proposal.
So let's get ahead of it.
We'll talk with Bela, and reassure her
that she's done nothing wrong.
Wrong, no. Weird, yes.
And then everything
will be back on track.
And Bela and Eric will be engaged,
and I will be the maid of honor,
and I'll push for a
fall wedding because
[LAUGHS] I'm an autumn.
Her eyes went black when she said that.
It was terrifying.
NANCY: All right, Isaac.
We discussed your situation
and came to a decision.
There was a large contingent
that wanted to kick
you out of the basement.
But we think you deserve
a chance to prove yourself.
- Of course. Anything, name it.
- NANCY: Okay.
If you want to stay in the basement,
then you got to participate
in one of our most cherished rituals.
Fight club.
Fight club?
You don't know about
fight club? It's the best.
I'm sorry. You've been, Peter?
[CHUCKLING]: Yeah.
I never miss it.
[CROWD CLAMORING]
Finish him!
Yeah!
- Yeah!
- [LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING]
God, I love bloodsport.
So, are you in?
I Yeah, sure.
I am in. I will watch fight
club and cheer with great fervor.
Oh, you're not watching, buddy.
You're fighting.
What?
Hmm. So this is the new dishwasher?
Yeah. Apparently, it has Wi-Fi.
Why?
I don't know.
Uh, Bela, we wanted to talk
with you about something.
We know about what
happened with you and Sass.
And we don't think you
should feel bad about it.
Though it's fine to feel bad
that the hookup was
with your backup ghost.
I actually don't feel that bad.
I mean, the way Eric
canceled on me yesterday?
- He clearly doesn't care.
- SAMANTHA: Yeah, about that
Eric didn't actually cancel on you.
He just pretended to cancel.
Why would he do that?
Because Sam is a psychopath.
Because he wanted to surprise you.
BELA: I can't believe this.
So I cheated on Eric?
With my backup ghost?
- Booyah. Suck it, Sass.
- JAY: Here's the thing.
We think what happened
between you and Sass falls
in this dreamy, ghosty, gray area.
So, wait. Eric's still
coming to propose?
- Yes.
- And you don't think I need to tell Eric
about the whole hooking
up with Sass thing.
Ah. We just feel like
it's going to hurt him.
ERIC: It does. It hurts.
- SAMANTHA: Eric?
- ERIC: I'm in the box.
- Surprise.
- JAY: Wait.
Where's the dishwasher?
Oh. Uh, I installed it for you.
- Oh, damn it. He's a good guy.
- [PHONE BUZZES]
I just got an email from the dishwasher.
Said it's starting the rinse cycle.
Yeah.
Programmed it.
I-I can't believe you hooked
up with a ghost the night
before I was gonna ask you to marry me.
Past tense. Not looking good, Samantha.
BELA: I was upset.
I was expecting a proposal, and then
it seemed like you weren't coming.
Eric, please. I don't
even care about Sass.
I felt like we shared
something, but I understand
- you're making a point.
- [PHONE BUZZES]
Babe, the dishwasher's asking
if we have any rinse aid?
ERIC: I'm sorry, Bela, but
your attraction to ghosts
is really triggering for me.
I need some space to think.
Hmm. So what am I
telling the dishwasher?
- [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
- It's the night we've all been waiting for!
It's fight club!
[CHEERING AND SHOUTING]
In this corner is
Isaac!
- [BOOING]
- Boo!
We love the boos, 'cause they
fuel your inner rage demon.
[LAUGHING]: Yeah, well, what
if you don't have one of those?
NANCY: And in this corner, it's
it's The Trunk!
[CHEERING]
[ROARS]
I thought he was a support column.
Now fight!
[CROWD CLAMORING]
- Yeah, I can't do this. I can't do it.
- What?
- I can't do it, Pete.
- Isaac.
- It's not gonna happen.
- Isaac.
- What? What?
- Isaac.
You're always telling stories
about how you surrendered in
this battle or that battle.
- Uh-huh?
- But if these people are gonna
follow you, then you
need to be a leader.
- And I know there's a leader in you.
- Oh.
You got this.
Thank you, Peter.
I guess it's true what they say, huh?
The bigger they are,
the harder they fall!
[YELLING]
Oh
- It's so much better as a spectator.
- [STOMPS LANDING]
[INSECTS TRILLING]
There we go, Mr. Tree.
And we'll give you a
happy little friend there.
That's nice. That's very nice.
Oh, love what you're doing there.
Oh, great. It's Sass.
Well, you know what?
Now these are all sad little trees.
I don't know what that means.
What do you want, Sass?
You're interrupting my Bob Ross dream.
I want you to forgive Bela.
Okay, so she had a meaningless hookup
in a dream. Is that
really so threatening?
Very much so.
Some women are into pool
boys and personal trainers.
Well, mine's got it bad for ghosts.
Eric, don't throw away something
just because of a
misunderstanding, okay?
You can still save this.
Well, why do you care so much?
Because I'm in love with
this roamer ghost named Joan,
and all I want to do
is tell her how I feel,
but I can't, because I'm stuck here.
I'm sorry, man. That's that's tough.
It is. But you can go for what you want.
And that is such a gift.
So if you want to marry Bela, go for it.
GINNY: Oh, honey,
it's beautiful.
You show real promise.
Oh, this is my mom.
Uh, Mom, this is a ghost who
hooked up with my girlfriend.
Oh. Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
- [SOFT CHUCKLE]
- How you feeling?
- Humiliated.
Defeated, embarrassed.
A failed politician.
The reject of a group so reviled
they were locked away and left to die.
That's us. Little tip?
If a man's opening a door for you,
but holding a hammer and shouting,
"Get in the pest house,"
that is not chivalry.
- What are you doing here, Nancy?
- Look, Isaac,
obviously, you didn't
win, but you showed guts.
Literally.
At one point, he ripped out your spleen
and held it up like a trophy.
That was so cool. The
Trunk's a showman, you know?
Oh, yeah. [LAUGHS]
Did you just come here
to glory in my defeat?
I came up here to tell
you you earned my respect.
You earned everyone's
respect in the basement.
- I did?
- Sure, The Trunk wiped the floor with you.
But you took him on.
And you never gave up,
which is what being a
basement ghost is all about.
How so? [LAUGHS]
I don't know, man.
Do you want to keep
living down there, or not?
- I do.
- Well, then,
enough laying around on
this poofy princess pad.
Let's get down to the
basement. Your public awaits!
Did you hear that, Peter?
I have a public.
- I'm happy for you.
- [ISAAC CHUCKLES]
So, what did I miss today?
Ooh, there was a big gurgle earlier.
We think it may have been Sam
shaving her legs in the shower.
Ooh. About time, right?
Yeah, winter months
are lean, gurgle-wise.
JAY: Bela?
What are you doing here so early?
I couldn't sleep, so I
thought I'd just start work.
Diving into labor to
avoid emotional pain.
This is why our best
workers were orphans.
I'm so sorry, Bela.
I just can't believe I have
to start all over again.
Even if I met someone
tomorrow, then what?
It's a year before we move in together.
And then another year
before we get engaged.
Then we have to plan the wedding,
and then it's, like, three
more years before we have kids.
I just don't want to be
back at the starting line.
I hear you.
But in all that, I didn't hear
you mention Eric's name once.
What do you mean?
I get that it's scary to start over.
But if avoiding that is the reason
you want to marry Eric,
maybe you're settling.
Maybe? Was that in dispute?
What if I was settling? Is that so bad?
Yes, it is, Bela,
because you're the best,
and you deserve the best.
Oh, Jay.
Oh. It's too bad these two are siblings.
If they were cousins, I'd
really be rooting for them.
I guess I have to officially
break up with Eric.
Ugh. That's not going
to be a fun conversation.
ERIC: I'm here again.
- Oh, hell no.
- This again?
Oh, I'm I'm not produce.
I'm so sorry, Eric.
STEVE: Eric, what do we do?
GINNY: Do we just stay in here?
- Are your parents here?
- Yeah, I flew them out for the proposal.
- Surprise.
- Hey, guys.
Good to see you out and about, Steve.
GINNY: So, sweetie,
what do you want me to do
about the hot air balloon?
We should probably let the company know?
Oof. I've seen bodies
get cut to tiny pieces
and dumped in the East River.
This is more painful to watch.
SAMANTHA: Jay, what is all this?
It's a do-over.
We're in the Bahamas, and
we're drinking this.
Okay. [LAUGHS]
- I miss drinking.
- Right?
A cocktail and some of
my roommate's ADHD pills?
Pretty nice little Tuesday.
Okay, I think this is
going to take too long.
Um, we finish it, and
there's a ring at the bottom,
and you're like, "Oh, my God."
Would she be like that, or would
she be passed out on the floor?
JAY: Okay, so,
I had to dig deep into
my old Yahoo account
to find my original proposal.
Come on, buddy. We're rooting for ya.
"We may not have found a
Charmander in Pokémon GO,
but I found something
even better in real life.
A Sam-mander.
And unlike Tom Brady's football
in the AFC Championship game,
my love for you will never deflate."
Okay, I forgot how reference-y this was.
Let me just skip to the end.
I love you, Sam.
I want to spend the
rest of my life with you.
Will you marry me?
Yes. [LAUGHS]
And this is the proposal
that I had always dreamed of.
But what really matters
is I get to spend my life
with the most wonderful
man in the world.
[FIREWORKS POPPING]
Jay, you got fireworks?
Yup.
They were Eric's, but
he forgot to cancel them.
Anything for you, babe.