Only Murders in the Building (2021) s05e07 Episode Script

1
[CAMILA WHITE]
The easiest way to win a game
is to make your opponent
think they're playing
a different game entirely.
The only crime I'm guilty of
is being an embarrassing nepo baby
- who's trying to do some good.
- Yeah, how's that going?
I wanna prove to everyone
that I'm not a fuck-up.
Jay didn't do it.
He's sweeter than I expected.
That lying piece of shit.
This isn't his finger.
Enjoy the remodel.
She's a home decor witch!
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE]
What's Mayor Tillman doing here?
How is the pod? Right?
I'm Hey, I'm still
avail to guest, FYI.
I'm collecting signatures
to stop New York City
from opening its first ever casino.
I got an offer on my place.
It's big.
I, uh, joined a dating service
for sexy seniors.
It's called, uh, Last Gasp.
Oh! Last Gasp notification.
- Priscilla, she's so funny.
- You told her about the case?
Just a a little tidbit.
You're being catfished, Charles.
This glitch is from the same footage
as THĒ and Seth Rogen's.
- Something has been cut out.
- Why is the Last Gasp peach logo
the same as on the security footage?
That's who's been messaging me?
- And cooked the footage.
- And maybe killed Lester.
- [PHONE DINGS]
- What does it say?
[SEBASTIAN "BASH" STEED]
You're such a smarty-pants.
Now I need to come hunt you down.
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING]
[SEBASTIAN "BASH" STEED]
When you live as a titan of industry
on this planet amid the metropoleis
nothing means more than getting away.
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC CONTINUES]
To think, to play, or just escape.
[METAL GATES SQUEAKING]
You think he knows
he's goin' to the vet?
Well, if he didn't, he does now.
- [PHONE ALARM BLARING]
- Oh.
Ooh, it's one of those "Silver Alerts."
Always so sad
- when an old person goes missing.
- [CLICKING TONGUE] Aw.
It says, "Endangered adult male,
74, 5'7", brunette,
"last seen wearing
southwestern cowboy boots
- and a purple scarf."
- [OLIVER PUTNAM] Oh! Thank God!
Did it say the boots were turquoise?
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, thank God!
Thank God.
You gotta save me. [PANTING]
- I'm in danger.
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
[BASH] You hear it all the time.
"The bigger the risk,
the bigger the reward."
But when it comes down to it, most
people aren't willing
to take the leap.
What the very successful know
is that you have to take bold risks
to strike gold.
So, tell me, are you willing
to go all in for greatness?
- I said, are you willing?
- Yes!
[CHUCKLES] Sorry.
I know he is our murder suspect.
But the "Bash Steed Greatness Academy"
audio tapes
are really inspiring.
That was $18 well spent.
If only he let it slip where
to find him, then I'd be all in.
Oh, wait a minute,
this might be something.
- What?
- [CHARLES] Oh. No.
His company website says,
"Bash Steed is a citizen of the universe
"with a home in each of the continents
- and a bio module on Mars."
- Wow. Wow.
He's also an asshole, pardon my French.
I mean, he did pretend
to be my girlfriend.
Mm, not exactly sure you can call
Priscilla a girlfriend
when you messaged for six hours
and you've never met in person.
Oh, how embarrassing.
Someone doesn't know
the term "situationship."
Okay, will you two Muppets
stop arguing?
We need to prepare
for our interview with the mayor.
Fine. I'm over it anyway.
Although I still don't know
why we're podcasting
if we're not allowed
to talk about our suspects.
That's because
we are contractually obligated
to make content for Wondify.
- This is so dumb.
- No, no, no, um, I think interviews
are an evolution of our brand.
And having the mayor
as our first guest is quite the get.
I've already reached out
to Meghan Markle's team
about being guest number two.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Okay, that must be him Oh!
Did you see the email from Wondify?
They want us to be
more like the Drunken Sluts.
You know, so they want us to slut it up!
[EXCLAIMING AND GULPING]
[CHUCKLES] Ho-ho! Ho!
Jesus.
- Greetings. Ho-ho!
- Hey! [LAUGHING]
Mayor Tillman in the house.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- How are you, Charles?
- [CHARLES GRUNTS]
- Oh, my goodness.
- Hello. What a pleasure.
- Hello, how are you?
- Thank you. Thank you.
- A pleasure. Big fan.
Thank you.
Oh, I can't believe I'm here, finally.
Wasn't sure how many overtures
I was gonna have to make
before you would finally take the hint
and let me on the pod.
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [OLIVER] Oh, no, no.
[MAYOR TILLMAN]
But fear not, fear not.
I have been working
on my podcast voice for months.
Check it out. [CLEARING THROAT]
[SOFT IMPRESSION]
I am Michael Barbaro.
Uh-huh?
[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, no, that's it.
- Oh!
- Oh.
- [CLAPS] That was so good.
- Oh, well, let's just get this started.
Alright.
[RECORDER BEEPS]
[LAUGHING] Okay!
[LOUDLY] Oliver and Mabel,
we got a really special edition
of Only Murders podcast today.
We're sitting with
New York City Mayor Beau Tillman!
- [LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]
- [TILLMAN CHUCKLES]
- [CHARLES] Whoo!
- Thank you.
Thank you very much, Charles.
Uh, a huge fan.
- Ohh!
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, you know,
a big part of my platform
is making the streets
of this city safer,
so I am excited to chop it up today.
[CLAPS]
Well, uh, great. So the first
and most obvious, uh, question is
- Mm-hmm?
- what are you gonna do about
the crosswalk button
on 86th and Broadway?
Oh, uh, is is it broken?
No, but the button gets a little sticky,
and sometimes it it's
it's difficult to tell
if you've pushed it or not.
[DISTANT CARS HONKING]
You said you wanted to make
the streets safer.
Oh, I meant from murder.
- Ha! Of course.
- Yeah, so yeah.
'Cause I I heard your teaser trailer
a while back, then crickets.
So, I have some theories.
Have we looked into the person
who is running against me this fall?
[CHUCKLES] Right?
- [LAUGHING] You guys see?
- Oh! It's a joke.
[LAUGHTER]
- Joking.
- No. No, no, no, no.
We cannot podcast about that murder.
- What?
- Because, well, our prime suspects
bought our network and banned us
from talking about them.
Oh, the Wondify sale. Yeah.
Wait.
Is Bash Steed one of your suspects?
Yeah, you know him?
Uh, love him.
I I I would be shocked
if he was related to your case.
Actually, um, you know, Romy,
I I could really use a coffee
- from that bodega on 74th.
- Okay.
Okay, thank you.
- [SIGHS]
- [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
Bash Steed is your murderer.
[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
[THEME SONG CONCLUDES]
[MAYOR TILLMAN] We have to be quick.
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS]
Romy is Bash's niece.
He had me hire her so he could
keep eyes on me all the time.
And yes, she also happens
to be the best assistant I've ever had.
You should see how fast
she gets coffee. [CHUCKLES]
Like a Road Runner cartoon.
[NERVOUSLY CHUCKLES, GASPS]
She's already in the courtyard.
Well, then, uh, start talking. What
makes you think Bash is our suspect?
Well, I I don't actually
know that for sure.
Dammit, Mayor!
But if you are investigating him
for something,
chances are, he did that something.
Trust me.
This man will do
whatever it takes to get ahead.
He has paid millions into my campaign.
So, why are you trying to out him?
When I was first running for office,
I was up against people
with deep pockets.
I didn't stand a chance,
until Bash opened up his checkbook.
But it turns out, if people
give you money, you owe them later.
Been there.
One time, I took a small loan
- from Robert Blake. He was
- Oliver!
Uh, s Real quick.
He made me lie under oath.
Continue, please.
Uh, okay.
Well, uh, it started out small.
Uh, building permits,
diplomatic license plates.
But then the asks kept getting bigger.
Now, I'm spending so much time
doing his bidding,
I haven't made good
on any of my campaign promises.
That's why I wanted to do your podcast,
so I could win over the public
and stop simping
for some lunatic billionaire.
Why don't you do something about it?
Talk to the chief of police.
Who do you think
is the NYPD's biggest donor?
He's literally above the law.
I'll bet Bash hired those dirty cops
I saw over Nicky's body
at the dry cleaners.
Don't doubt it. And meanwhile
[CHUCKLES] I'm powerless.
Nothing but a puppet.
My ass is sore from having
his hand so far up there.
And not in a fun way.
Great, so if the mayor of New York
has no power,
what the hell are we supposed to do?
Investigate.
I-If you find something,
maybe we can take Bash down together.
Oh, my God, that would be
amazing for my numbers.
City people hate billionaires right now.
We're trying,
but we can't even find him.
Well, the other day,
I overheard Romy on the phone.
Apparently, he's hosting
some big, secret rich people meeting.
Let me guess.
With Camila White and Jay Pflug?
Yep, at his country estate
in the middle of nowhere,
no servants, no service, no witnesses.
I'm not saying
that they're doing blood rituals,
but I have heard rumors
that it's exactly that.
Yes.
Do you have an address?
Yes, the address,
so we can never go there.
[MABEL MORA]
Oliver, maybe by surprising him,
we can find something to take him down.
Yes, and if we end up dead,
the mayor can just get Bash on that.
Oh. Smart.
Oh, I mean, as a backup plan.
- [ROMY] What backup plan?
- [OLIVER SNORTING]
Oh, Romy!
[LAUGHING] Hey. Yeah, we were, uh,
just talking about, um, birth control.
- [OLIVER] Yeah.
- Morning-after pill.
- Yeah, I need it.
- [CHARLES AND OLIVER CHUCKLING]
Feminism.
You know, the
The right to choose-a-roni.
- [AWKWARD MUSIC PLAYING]
- We should go.
Ribbon cutting
at the New York City Ballet.
[SCOFFS] God, snooze.
Sarah Jessica Parker's gonna be there.
- She's friends with my uncle.
- And wide awake!
Let's go. Thank you.
Uh, sorry for the chicken scratch.
If I get reelected, first thing
I'm gonna do is fix the public schools.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Do either of you see how insane this is?
We're about to face off
with the most dangerous suspect
we've ever had in the wilderness.
- Oliver, we're going to Connecticut.
- Yeah, well, Putnams don't do foliage.
In fact, I I should probably
stay home and text my poor wife
who's on hour 18 of her United delay.
She's boarded and deboarded
four separate times
and spent $900 at Hudson News.
Well, I for one, am going in
scorched earth, guns blazing,
hell hath no fury like a Savage scorned.
Come on, Oliver, I know
you wanna take those cowboy boots
- out for a spin in the country.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Didn't you get those from Wonder Woman?
- Linda Lavin.
- Ah.
- Do they come in a men's?
They're unisex!
And a piece of Broadway history.
She wore them in
Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
And in a private viewing,
only the boots.
- Ew.
- But that's beside the point.
This is crazy, and I'm not going.
We have to, for Lester.
And if it gets all Eyes Wide Shut,
then we can leave.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[SIGHS] Alright, I'll go.
For the boots.
And I'm sending my wife
a cute little selfie of me in them,
so she can ID my body!
He's gotta relax.
How scary can a country house be?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHARLES] Bash's den of lies.
[EAGLE SCREECHING]
I wonder what room he was in
when he first posed as Priscilla
with the conniving line,
"I really like your profile.
If you could add one color
to the rainbow, what would it be?"
- What'd you answer?
- Brown.
- Well, the landscape is very lush.
- [PHONE WHOOSHING]
[CHARLES] Yeah, that's what happens
when you fertilize with human remains.
[ALERT CHIMES]
Oh, great!
We We lost service a mile back.
Now, Loretta's gonna think
that I'm in danger.
And newsflash, I am!
Oliver, calm down.
There's nothing to worry about.
Just don't look to your three o'clock.
[OLIVER GASPS]
Do we think he's real,
or are we gonna find out
he died 50 years ago in a fire?
[CROW CAWING]
I like your skin.
Ah.
That's the first compliment
that ever made my bowels evacuate.
- [KNIFE SCRAPING]
- Hi.
Uh, i-is your dad home?
Or maybe he's your grandpa?
Or son.
[QUIETLY] If that's the plot twist
of this horror movie.
[OLIVER GROANS]
He's inside with the others.
But Daddy says little boys who interrupt
get sent to the cellar.
Okay.
- [KNIFE SCRAPING]
- Well, thank you.
And you know, good luck
with your shiv.
[OLIVER BREATHING HEAVILY]
[WHIMPERING]
[KNIFE SCRAPING]
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[OLIVER SNORTING]
[WHISPERING]
Okay, I I've seen enough.
How 'bout we beat traffic,
avoid getting hunted,
- and hung on a wall?
- Shh.
- [FAINT INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
- [WHISPERING] Listen.
[STAIRS CREAKING]
[BASH] First, I'll remove the spleen.
- [SNIPPING SOUNDS]
- [CAMILA] Careful.
[WHISPERING] They're harvesting organs
to sell on the black market.
[JAY] Next, I'll take the kidney.
- [BUZZER BLARING]
- Dammit!
It's always the wishbone.
They're playing
[CHARLES] Operation?
[BASH] [SINGING] The leg bone's
connected to the hip bone ♪
Well, just three adults
playing a children's game.
Not at all creepy.
I'm good to go.
- [METAL CLANKING]
- [OLIVER GASPS]
[OLIVER SNORTS]
[CHUCKLING] Hi!
Trespassers.
Naughty, naughty.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
You said today would be private.
What are they doing here?
Better question,
what are you doing here?
Playing board games
in the privacy of my own home.
[CHARLES] Oh, please.
We know what happens
when the three of you get together.
Even if it looks like
a game of Operation,
we know you're always
playing for something.
Might as well show them.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[PLASTIC SQUEAKING]
Okay, a trophy from Walgreens?
Well, there were only so many times
we could destroy
each other's businesses
before it got boring,
so we started having game nights.
Gives us an outlet
for ruthless competition.
And gossip.
Warren Buffet shaves his bikini line.
- [GASPS] Oh!
- [CHUCKLING] Oh! What?
Okay, fine.
Well, if that's all you guys are doing,
I'm sure you wouldn't mind if we stayed
and watched a little, right?
No, no, no, I I think
I think we've overstayed our welcome.
[BASH] Nonsense.
- [THUNDER CRASHING]
- Please stay.
I insist.
[DICE RATTLING]
[RATTLING CONTINUES]
[DICE CLATTER ON TABLE]
- [CUP THUMPS]
- [JAY GROANING]
- Yahtzee!
- [CAMILA GROANS]
Well, that wraps up round seven.
Maybe they really are
just playing board games?
No, no. No, no, no. I'm telling
you, these people are killers.
They played Monopoly start to finish
and no one flipped the board over.
Sociopathic.
- [CHAIR SCRAPING]
- [BASH] Now, please excuse me.
I have business to attend to.
I'll follow him.
Maybe I can get him to talk to me.
Okay, I'm on Pflug duty.
Oliver, you're on Camila.
Whatever happened, the three of them
are clearly in on it together.
[OLIVER] Oh, yes.
[SNIFFS NERVOUSLY]
So, um, how does gaming here
compare to gaming at The Arconia?
[GASPS]
How's your apartment, Oliver?
My apartment? Well, um
I was thinking of selling.
Uh, got an insanely good offer.
[GASPS] Oh.
What, that's all you have
to say to me about it?
Should there be more?
How about, um, mm-mm
[CHUCKLES] "Thank you"?
[PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
I transformed your sad, purple hovel
into a camel-toned fantasy land.
- [SNORTING]
- I said "camel-toned."
When I met you, you had
zero tassels on your pillows.
And now, look at you,
Tassel King of the Upper West Side,
all because of me.
The disrespect.
I should cut off your balls
and shave them into a potpourri.
[GROANING]
Sorry, I downed an entire bottle
of Chablis on the 'copter over.
You have a question for me?
Mm-mm. Mm-mm, mm.
Okay.
[GOOSE HONKING]
[WINGS FLUTTERING]
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[KNIFE SCRAPING]
You followed me all the way out here.
Do you have something to say?
I was sort of waiting
till you put down the big blade.
This is a skin tree.
The bark helps
with my Algernon's digestion.
Oh, look.
There's Algie in the pool.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
How fun.
I was going to cover the pool up,
but Algie loves to swim.
Now, when my other children were young,
I was too busy building my empire
to be a good daddy.
So, with Algie, I promised
to never miss a single bedtime,
and I never have.
Don't try to be sympathetic, Priscilla.
You catfished me.
You preyed on a buffed-up,
albeit older, romantic looking for love,
but I guess that behavior
is to be expected from a murderer.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
I am not a murderer.
I hate death.
I lost my papa when I was very young.
That's what sparked
my fascination with longevity.
You know, the micro-naps,
cryo-chamber, stem-cell shakes.
Everyone thinks it's born out of vanity.
But the truth is, I want my Algie
to keep his papa
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
possibly forever.
Father, is it time
for my gesunde Leckerei?
My boy.
He loves his healthy treat.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Oh, Charles.
I wish you nothing but happiness.
[GRUNTS]
[GEESE HONKING]
[JAY PFLUG] Looking for something?
Or are you joining us
for a game of hide-and-seek?
Sorry, HR won't let me
play games with my boss,
which you are, because you bought us
and then shut us down.
Yeah, I Well, yeah
I'm sorry about that.
I couldn't let you talk shit about me
in a murder podcast.
Accusations like that
I'm just trying to protect my family.
You keep making excuses,
yet I have no evidence
that you're actually a good guy.
Well, if you responded to my texts,
I would show you that I am one.
HR also won't let me date bosses.
Plus, there's that whole thing
where you're a suspect.
Mm, fair.
But if I wasn't,
could I take you out to dinner?
I'm not a Bond villain. I promise.
Although I do have a white cat
and my dad's office
is located on the side of a mountain.
[JAY SIGHS]
Look, I know my friends are eccentric.
But really, we're just a bunch of bored,
rich people hashing out a bet.
The same one we were trying
to settle the last time
we were in that gaming parlor.
Do you mean when Lester died?
Uh
What do you know?
Fine. Don't tell me.
I'll find out myself.
Shit. [SIGHS]
Alright, cut the shit.
Jay admitted this is about
way more than a stupid trophy.
So, you don't wanna answer
our questions, fine.
We'll do it your way.
We play you for answers.
- Wait, Mabel, are you serious?
- You wanna play games with them?!
The last time they were doing that,
two whole people died.
If we win
we wanna know everything.
[CAMILA] A ratcheting up of the stakes.
Leaning in, liking.
What happens if you lose?
[INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING]
We stop investigating you, forever.
Fine.
And when we win,
if you don't hold
to your end of the bargain,
we'll kill you.
[OLIVER GASPS]
- Kidding.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[CHUCKLES] And that's a wrap on me.
[CLAPS]
Bye, everybody.
Enjoy your twisted game night.
Oliver, you can't leave.
What about doing this for Lester?
You're being selfish.
Yeah, enough with
"Oliver is selfish" shtick.
And you're not doing this for Lester,
you're just mad you
got scammed online.
And besides, unlike you two,
I have someone to lose.
I'm sorry, but it's true.
So, if you wanna risk your lives
playing a game, go for it.
But I'm out.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the game is Celebrity.
How many famous people
can you guess in a minute?
One round, winner takes all.
Our team will draw a category first.
"Historical figures."
Do you think they know about history?
No way.
They're too busy with world domination
to read biographies.
[SOFTLY] Mm-hmm. Okay.
[NORMAL] Start the timer now!
[TIMER TICKING]
He comes to my, um,
uh, my Labor Day party every year
- and bakes a pineapple upside-down cake.
- [GASPS] Vladimir Putin!
[BELL DINGS]
Um, um, Jay, he and your granddad
did did sleepaway camp
- in the Schwarzwild.
- Uh, Henry Kissinger!
- [BELL DINGS]
- Um, um Oh, good God.
He will not shut up
about Crumbl Cookies.
[BOTH] Kim Jong Un!
- [BELL DINGS]
- What are we gonna do?
Hope for an easier category.
[SCOFFS] This guy.
- Bernie Sanders!
- [BELL DINGS]
Camila, um, he and you,
uh, call each other "Bunny Face,"
- and I don't know why.
- Xi Jinping,
and the reason is just for us!
[BELL DINGS]
[MABEL] Time.
[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]
You got five.
- Oh. Mm. Hmm.
- Yeah.
[ALGERNON CLAPPING]
Bravo, Papa.
Algie, to the cellar.
Your turn.
[CHARLES CLEARING THROAT]
Don't worry, we got this.
We're smart people. We know things.
Okay, our category is
"Broadway."
[CHARLES SIGHS]
[SINGING] The coffee cup ♪
I think about you ♪
I love you so,
it's like I'm losing my mind ♪
[EXCLAIMING]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Lions and tigers
and bears, oh, shit! ♪
Lions and tigers and bears ♪
Oh, shit!
How do we not have Oliver for this?
It's okay. You know Broadway, right?
Yes, I've seen one play once,
and it was the first 15 seconds
of Death Rattle,
before Ben Glenroy dropped dead.
Just do your best, no pressure.
Well, some pressure.
Our entire investigation depends on it.
[SCOFFS]
[TIMER CLICKING]
Your time starts now.
- [TIMER TICKING]
- Okay, um
Pass.
Hold on.
No, pass.
- Say something, Mabel.
- I'm trying! Pass.
- Pass.
- Anything but "pass"!
Ugh! Where's Oliver when you need him?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
I know this one.
The boots! She was naked in the boots.
- Linda Lavin!
- [BELL DINGS]
Okay, Oliver claims
he was an assistant doula
- at her birth.
- Uh, Lea Michele!
- [BELL DINGS]
- [MABEL] Oliver says he and this person
took an Ativan and slept through
all of Hurricane Sandy.
- Hugh Jackman!
- [BELL DINGS]
Oliver claims he invented both the
name "Adele Dazeem" and her real one.
- The wickedly talented Idina Menzel!
- [BELL DINGING]
Ugh, Oliver's biggest beef is with?
The Jessica [STAMMERING]
Angela Lansbury!
- [BELL DINGS]
- Oliver says she stole his haircut.
- Cynthia Nixon!
- [BELL DINGS]
- [CAMILA] Time.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[CARDS CLATTERING]
You motherfuckers beat us.
We sure did.
Now, tell us what you were playing for.
[BASH SIGHS DEEPLY]
Okay.
The night your doorman died,
we played for a very big contract,
probably the biggest development project
to hit New York City
since Grand Central.
- The most important
- [CHARLES] Oh, my God!
One of you is planning to build
New York City's first casino.
I was ramping up.
But yes.
We all have our proposals.
Tonight's winner
gets to see theirs come to life.
That's a terrible idea.
You think a casino
would be good for the city?
I think about how much money
it would make.
How much power the owner would wield.
And how it's a chance to make your name
synonymous with New York City history.
That's Rockefeller shit.
How noble.
And how do you three
just get to decide that, anyway?
Deals have always been made
in back rooms.
Games are just our way of making it fun.
That still doesn't explain why you
edited the footage from that night.
Well, frankly, I don't like anyone
knowing my comings and goings.
Yesterday, I treated Algernon
to a Jamba Juice.
- Ooh.
- Scrubbed that, too.
Mm. And we wouldn't want people
losing faith in the system,
now, would we?
So, you didn't kill anyone?
This has nothing to do with our doorman?
This is about a casino
and a stupid trophy?
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Are you guys good?
We just really like the trophy.
Put the trophy down.
[TROPHY RATTLING]
[TROPHY CLANKING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Your prize is our fucking finger.
Come on, you overpriced brick.
Survived a hot bowl of barley soup,
and now you crap out?
- [PHONE CHIRPS]
- [SIGHS] Thank Mary Tyler Moore.
- [NOTIFICATIONS WHOOSHING]
- Oh, dear.
[WHOOSHING CONTINUES]
Oh, mother's balls!
[HORSE WHINNYING]
[LINDA] You think he knows
he's goin' to the vet?
[RON] Well, if he didn't, he does now.
[GASPS]
[HORSE NEIGHING]
- [PHONE ALARM BLARING]
- Ooh, it's one of those "Silver Alerts."
Always so sad
- when an old person goes missing.
- [CLICKING TONGUE] Aw.
Oh, thank God! Thank God.
You gotta save me!
- I'm in danger. [PANTING]
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
You poor thing.
Anyone we can call for you?
Well, I tried my wife,
and and no reception.
Plus, she's probably halfway
to New Zealand to shoot her TV show.
She's a Hollywood actress.
- [HORSE NEIGHING]
- Of course, she is. [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, should we try the police station?
- Uh
No, no! No, no, no.
The police are in on it.
Goes all the way to the top.
The mayor told me this morning
when he came over to record my podcast.
- I bet he did.
- Yeah.
End of the day is toughest.
- Gotta get the hell outta here.
- We gotta call a car.
[MABEL] Oh!
[SCOFFS] So, you're a "good guy," huh?
Mabel, you're in more danger
than you think with that finger.
You have no idea
what they paid to get that.
Paid who?
Wait.
So then, this is your legacy?
Trapping a woman at one
of your game nights to get it back?
- A woman and her friend.
- [CAMILA] Is no one going to stop them?
Really?
Okay, go. Now.
Now.
[JAY SIGHS]
And Zach Galifianakis
is playing me in the movie, so
- [CHUCKLES] Well, isn't that wonderful?
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Alright, let's hop on in.
We can drop off Blaze on the way.
Oh, God, I Really,
I cannot thank you two enough.
I mean [LAUGHING]
if I had to walk back
to Manhattan in these boots,
Charles and Mabel
would never let me live it down.
Are those your friends?
Um, should we give them a call?
Well, actually they're
they're at Bash Steed's place,
uh, with no service, so
- [BOTH] Bash Steed.
- Yeah.
They can't be that good of friends then,
if they let you wander off
all on your lonesome.
Well, actually,
they're they're great friends.
I mean, if it wasn't for them, who
knows what would have happened to me?
I I I wouldn't have a podcast.
[SIGHS]
I wouldn't have met the love of my life.
And I certainly
wouldn't have reconnected
with my best friend, Ron-Ron Howard.
- I call him Ron-Ron. [LAUGHING]
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- [MUTTERING SOFTLY, INDISTINCTLY]
- Uh, well, I
- Meanwhile, I'm the one
who left them alone with a group
of deeply unwell rich people,
you know?
I mean, they they can't even
call an Uber.
They have no way out of there.
Oh, my God. What have I done?
- I need you to drive me back!
- No can do, hon.
We're gonna take you
somewhere safe. Get in.
No, no. I'm gonna save my friends
from murderous billionaires!
And if you won't drive me
- I'm taking the horse!
- Oh.
Oh, oh! [CHUCKLES] Come on, buddy.
I have a strong sense
you're not the best on bareback.
I'll have you know
that I am the first and last director
to ever stage Equus with a live
- [HORSE NEIGHING]
- [OLIVER SCREAMING]
Is everything out here demonic?
- How am I gonna get back to my friends?!
- [HORSE NEIGHING]
Dammit!
How are we gonna get out of here?
- [GATE SQUEAKING]
- Mabel.
Shit.
You know, there's something I
have to say, and I have to say it fast
before I get, uh, sent to the cellar
with Algernon.
What?
Oliver was right.
I threw myself into this case
because I was sad I got catfished,
and I thought I had nothing to lose.
But I have a lot to lose.
My family.
- You.
- Oliver.
Yeah, Oliver.
- No! Oliver!
- [VEHICLE RUMBLING]
Get away from my friends,
you sons of bitches!
[SHOUTING]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ENGINE SPUTTERING]
- [BRAKES SQUEAKING]
- [OLIVER GRUNTS]
You came back for us!
- I should never have left!
- No, you were right.
These people are insane. [GRUNTS]
- [OLIVER] Mabel, get in!
- [GAS CAN CLATTERING]
- And we got matches!
- [OLIVER CACKLING]
[BOLT CUTTER CLANGING]
- [TRACTOR RUMBLING]
- Oliver, those Linda Lavin boots saved us!
- Where are we going?
- [SINGING] To the Old Town Road ♪
We're riding all the way to Manhattan!
Ha, ha!
I'm not saying we're gonna
get there quickly.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
Can't believe this finger has to do
with the first casino
in New York City.
I can't believe that dead finger
is back in my apartment.
I can't believe Loretta
called in a Silver Alert for me.
And it didn't even mention
any of my credits.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Okay, that must be Williams.
I hope she can identify that thing
before it learns to crawl.
[OLIVER] Hmm.
Oh, oh.
[OLIVER SNORTING]
Oh, uh, look who, uh
You'll have to excuse me
for arriving so late.
They say don't go to bed mad,
so I thought I'd come
and settle our little tiff.
Hm, you mean the fact that you lied
about the casino
having anything to do with our murder?
Like it or not, that finger
decides the casino bid,
and New York is only
giving out one permit.
I don't know if you've seen
Jay and Bash's proposals,
but they're grotesque.
Jay wants to put his
in the 92nd Street YMCA
because, and I quote,
"A pool would be so sick."
And Bash's big idea is a spaceship
floating over Times Square
and the M&M's store.
- [WHISPERING] A travesty.
- Hmm. Yeah
My casino will be different. Bespoke.
I am giving the people of New York
what they don't know they need.
A gambling addiction?
I will make gambling so chic,
Gwyneth Paltrow will shit her capris.
That's really compelling, Camila,
- but we're not giving you the finger.
- [OLIVER] Mm-mm.
Oh, I worried you might say that, so
- Give me the finger!
- [OLIVER SHRIEKS]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
You're bluffing,
and we're not giving you the finger.
- [GUN CLICKING]
- [OLIVER WHIMPERING]
Willing to risk it?
[WHINING] Give her the finger.
Give her the finger.
I can't wait to share with the world
my quiet slots.
It's not [DEEPLY] "ding!"
It's [LIGHTLY] "ding."
[CAMILA SIGHS]
I think I'll start renovations with
- Oliver's apartment.
- [OLIVER WHIMPERING]
[SNORTING] What are you talking about?
That offer on your place was from me.
I'm the one buying up
all the apartments here,
so I can finally build.
[TAPPING]
- [PHONES CHIMING AND VIBRATING]
- Exclusive first look.
[CHARLES GASPS]
[ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYS ON VIDEO]
[CHARLES] The Camila Club?
[MABEL] Is that
[OLIVER] Our lobby?
[VIDEO WHOOSHING]
Our courtyard?
You're turning The
Arconia into a casino?
[SIGHS]
Well, have a good night.
Hopefully, they'll have murders
in your next building, too.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
sync & corrections awaqeded
[DRAMATIC, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[FANFARE PLAYING]