Son of a Critch (2022) s05e07 Episode Script
Green Christmas
1
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Christmas.
Peace on Earth, goodwill to all,
and gifts!
You have to give me a hint.
[Fox sighs on phone]
I I don't know
what to get you.
I don't have any money
to get you anything,
so you better not
get me anything either.
Right.
Uh, no no gifts.
Uh
maybe just stockings, then?
FOX: [phone]
We have each other.
We don't need gifts.
MARK: [phone]
But it's Christmas.
It's all about giving and love.
MARY: I can't find
the packin' angel!
POP: Well, maybe you sat on it.
Check your arse.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): They say
there's no place like home
for the holidays.
Whoever said that
was definitely not at home.
Well, did you find it yet?
I can't see anything!
It's dark up here.
Is the angel in that one?
You know, I'm of an age
where I'm not exactly
looking forward to being
face-to-face with the angels.
This is just branches
in this one.
MARY: Well, we can't have
a Christmas tree
without the friggin' angel!
Mom!
I'm on the phone.
-Mmm!
-Sorry about that.
It's, uh you know,
a little nuts here today.
Oh, it sounds nice.
I kinda miss everybody yelling.
You know, it's the first
Christmas without my family.
It's weird.
I think I found it.
That's a reindeer.
-Well y'know hm.
-[Mary sighs]
You can have my family.
We're decorating the tree today.
Oh, yeah, I'm not gonna bother.
You gotta have a tree!
We don't have one.
We always used to cut a tree.
Mom says fake ones are easier.
There's gotta be another
bag of orange branches!
It's got no middle!
You know,
maybe if you just turned it.
I could spin it like
a jeezly top all day long!
That's not gonna change the fact
that it's got no packin' middle!
Isn't Christmas peaceful?
POP: [background]
Well, what are you looking at?
Still no snow here.
Any your way?
[sighs]
Nope.
A green Christmas.
So weird.
The first I ever seen.
It doesn't feel like Christmas.
Yeah, tell me about it.
MARK: Well, I know
it sucks for you this year,
but you still gotta have a tree.
MARY: [background]
Christ on a cross!
Stick it up your hole,
you jeezly tree!
POP: We need a better tree.
Or not.
This bloody thing.
It's unnatural!
Plastic trees,
plastic tablecloth,
even plastic Jesus.
I mean
is there nothing real anymore?
Thanks for keeping it down
while I was on the phone.
Oh, nice
Christmas stick.
POP: It's a disgrace, right?
You know, I used to
go out with your father
and get a real one every year.
He'd probably be about your age.
Why don't we go get one now?
We basically live in the woods.
I don't want a real tree!
They look cheap!
As cheap as this fake one?
It's not fake!
It's artificial.
-Right. Hm.
-Ow!
You mangy, mingy,
maggoty-arsed tree!
Fine.
Go get a real one.
Just be back before dark.
Here, put this on.
Let's go save Christmas.
Right.
Stupid tree.
[upbeat instrumental
"We Wish You a Merry Christmas"]
♪
[cheerleaders
cheering indistinctly]
♪
[bells jingling]
♪
MIKE SR: Mike Critch, reporting
live from the annual downtown
St. John's Santa Claus Parade.
No rain or snow in the forecast,
so it's a great chance
to come out and see
the big man himself, Santa Claus!
For updates,
stay tuned to 590 VOCM,
your Merry Christmas station.
This your first time broadcasting
from the Santy Claus Parade, right?
-Yes, sir.
-Best gig of the year, b'y.
Everyone's smiling, waving.
Sure could use some snow, though.
Look, Santy's goin' around
with his coat open!
Yeah.
What's wrong with you?
Promise you won't tell Dad?
No, I don't wanna end up on
no naughty list.
Yeah, okay.
Forget it, forget it.
Oh, jeez, the only thing worse
than keeping secrets
is not having none.
What is it?
Amanda got offered
a job at the station.
Yes!
Wicked!
Hey, you must have
got me letter, Santy!
Me daughter's comin' home!
-Dick!
-What?
Amanda comin' back to Magic 97
is dandy, b'y!
Yeah, she got offered a job
doing the news.
On VOCM.
But that's your fadder's
Oh!
-[loud knock]
-Jesus!
-Frig's sakes!
-Almost time to roll out.
We're behind the cheerleaders.
Try not to hit any this year,
will ya, Dick?
Yeah, I'll go, uh, check
the, uh, trailer hitch here.
Why is he so jumpy?
Uh, you remember
your first parade, Mike.
Big day.
I suppose.
Can you keep a secret, Dick?
No.
I think this might be our last
Christmas on Kenmount Road.
Oh
Sorry to hear that, Mike.
How's Mary takin' it?
She doesn't know.
Wha?!
You gotta tell her, Mike, b'y.
She's bound to find out.
-How?
-Well, Mike Junior might
He doesn't know either.
I hopes you likes coal
in your stocking!
Promise me you won't
say anything.
-I
-[loud knock]
-Ahh!
-Oh, Christ!
Showtime.
You didn't say anything to him,
did ya?
I ain't talking to no one
till Boxing Day!
[upbeat music playing on radio]
[starts engine]
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la ♪
POP: Hurry up.
All the good trees
are gonna be taken.
How about this one?
Oh, too small.
This one?
Too tall.
Well, how about this?
Too fat.
This?
Too skinny.
Oh, that one.
Too green.
-This?
-Too dry.
Oh, I give up!
[sighs]
Ah, there's not even
any good trees anymore.
When your father was a boy,
these trees, they were
they were like giants.
[poignant music]
There's not even any bloody snow.
[sighs]
Nobody keeps up
the old traditions.
[exhales]
No Tibb's Eve.
No mum me ring.
You used to take Dad mum me ring?
[laughs]
Oh
everybody went mum me ring.
[traditional festive music]
POP: We'd go from
house to house,
making the neighbours
guess who we were.
Well, they already knew,
but they played along.
[knocks at door]
Any mummers allowed in?!
POP: There was no such thing
as a locked door back then.
We should try it sometime.
Oh
[chuckles]
Well, they'd probably
put us in jail.
How about this one?
Oh
now,that is a Christmas tree.
[sighs]
Finally.
All right.
Let's go to work.
[comical, intriguing music]
MARY: Christ in a manger!
Where is that friggin' angel?
Careful up there!
Don't fall!
MARY: Ooh!
Jesus.
Who in the name of
the Blessed Virgin
waltzes in without knockin'?
[sighs]
Oh, Mr. Bartlett!
Oh, I am so sorry for the mess.
Oh, that's to be expected
this time of year.
Speaking of which,
I popped by with Mike's bonus.
It's a Christmas chicken.
Oh, I see.
Mr. Murphy always
gave a turkey at Christmas.
Yes, Mrs. Bartlett
prefers the chicken.
Says the meat is moister.
Hmm.
Guess you must have had
a lot of great Christmases
in this house, have ya?
Oh, so many.
Of course, not the same now
that the boys are grown.
No, but I daresay you'll miss it.
Miss it?
Christmases here on Kenmount.
But you'll create new memories
wherever you land.
Mike didn't tell ya?
Tell me what?
You've got to move.
Come sit down, Ebenezer.
You need to have a chat
with Bob Cratchit's wife.
[under his breath]
Jesus.
Oh
this damn thing is blunt.
You want me to take a turn?
Well, be careful.
All right.
There.
It's not a loaf of bread!
Put your whole back into it!
-Okay.
-Yeah! Give it
[eerie, disorienting music]
Mike
Mike, be careful!
You're far too young
to be playing with saws!
Pop, you
you mean Mark.
What?
Oh
Wha?
This is all wrong.
This is
You're not my son.
W-Where's Mike?
Mike! Mike!
Please,
help me find my little boy.
We were out mum me ring.
Don't just stand there!
Help me find him!
He's lost in the woods!
Pop, I
[playing "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas"]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
When I was a kid,
a parade was basically just
slow traffic, but with tinsel.
[cheerleaders cheering
and bells ringing]
MIKE SR: Hundreds have
lined the streets
for the downtown St. John's
Santa Claus Parade.
All the tiny tots have
their letters ready to give
to Santa's helpers.
I'm Mike Critch.
And I'm Mike Campbell.
Coming up, we have "I'll Be Home
for Christmas" by Johnny Mathis
on VOCM, your Christmas station.
I'm dreaming tonight ♪
Of a place I love ♪
Even more than I usually do ♪
Did I ever take you
down to the parade?
No.
You were always in the parade.
Right.
Well, I should've.
Oh, come on.
I was always more excited to see
you than Santa Claus anyway.
-I gotta
-I got something to say.
-You go first.
-You go ahead.
Fine.
I think I'm gonna get fired.
What?
Come on, you're Mike Critch.
Mr. Bartlett says
he wants fresh blood.
-He told you?
-Tell me what?
Told you what?
What?
I think you're just
being paranoid.
Look, there's no good way
to tell you this, but
Bartlett's gonna
tear down the house.
What?
He can't do that.
No, no! What did Mom say?
I haven't exactly
told her yet.
Dad
Come on, you've gotta tell her.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not yet.
No point giving
someone bad news now.
I don't wanna ruin Christmas.
I'll ruin New Year's instead.
["I'll Be Home for Christmas"
playing in background]
What was it
you were gonna tell me?
Nothin'.
Just, um
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Merry Christmas, son.
I'll be home for Christmas ♪
If only ♪
Santa Claus Parade is coming on.
Do you wanna watch it with me?
That's for kids, b'y!
I'm goin' down to hang out
in front of the store.
Just watch a little
with me, please?
What, are ya scared, is ya?
It's Christmas, b'y,
not Halloween.
Yeah, it don't feel like it.
[sighs]
We shoulda got a tree.
Yeah.
[instrumental "O Christmas Tree"]
♪
[laughs]
What are you doing?
Wait, wait, wait
♪
[Fox chuckles]
♪
There.
Now we got a tree.
Dork.
[sighs]
Better?
Yeah.
It is.
Here.
TV: And coming up now,
we see the Shriners
and the Keystone Cops.
I'm in the radio business,
Mrs. Critch.
I'm not a landlord and you crowd
are barely paying any rent.
And that is reflected
in Mike's pay.
You're barely
paying him any salary.
That's always been the deal.
Well, I didn't make that deal.
Look, I'm not the bad guy.
I tried to set him up at CHVO.
Turned me down flat.
He what?
Hmm
Maybe you should be
talking to your husband, not me.
I wonder what people will say
when I go on the CBC
and tell everyone
that your Christmas station
sent a family out lookin' for
a manger on Christmas Eve!
Nobody said anything
about Christmas.
When, then?
You gotta be out
by the end of March.
Once the snow melts,
we're bringing in the pavers.
Or end of April.
July.
Come on
July?
You businessmen
like to negotiate, right?
You see, I have a son,
and he is still in school,
Mr. Bartlett.
And his head is up in the clouds,
and to be honest,
I like it up there.
And I don't wanna yank him
back to Earth
before he graduates high school.
So, I am asking you,
at Christmas,
to search your heart
and let us stay
until July.
I'll go quietly then.
July it is.
Now get out of my house.
It's just business.
Oh.
Merry Christmas.
[front door opens and closes]
Friggin' Christmas!
Oh
There you are.
Well, now all we needs is a tree.
[poignant music]
Oh
♪
[music darkens]
Pop, it's me.
I don't know you.
I'm your grandson.
Why would you say that?
Where's Mike?
Mike's okay, Pat.
He's already home.
He just ran ahead, is all.
Kate, she put him to bed.
He's safe.
He's just tuckered.
Good, good.
That sounds right.
Mike's home.
Yeah.
Where are we?
Good God, Mary.
It looks like
Bing Crosby threw up in here.
Well, if it's gonna be our
last Christmas in this house,
at least it'll be a good one.
Wait, you know?
You know?
You told your son
before you told me?!
[sighs]
Pop and Mark are still out
looking for a tree.
A real tree?
Good gosh,
you'll burn the house down.
Don't.
Here.
Go tell them to come home
while there's still
a home to come to.
MIKE JR: I'll be right back.
But not too soon.
Okay?
I'm gonna give you guys
some time.
You just talk, and sit,
and really
Bye!
[1950s Christmas music
playing on radio]
How?
-Doesn't matter.
-I was gonna tell ya.
I just
thought I could fix it.
I was trying to protect you.
By lying to me?
By not telling you.
Same thing.
I guess I was hoping for a
Christmas miracle.
Those are homemade, hon.
We're gonna have to
fix this ourselves.
After Christmas.
Come on, help me
with the decorations.
We got a tree comin'.
♪
POP: Well, where are we?
MARK: We're getting a tree.
It's Christmas.
I know that!
What do you think,
I'm brain-dead?
What I meant was,
how do we get home?
You know,
you have us all turned around.
Pop?
You
you didn't know who I was.
No, but
Uh
Look, I think it best if we keep
that between us, you know?
I was just overtired.
You need to see someone.
Mom and Dad
I already have!
They don't know their arse
from their elbow.
Now
I used to know how to do this.
Moss will only grow
on the north side of a tree.
Or is it the south?
East?
Quiet, Pop.
POP: Rude!
I hear cars.
And that must mean
the highway is near.
And if we find the highway,
we find the house.
-Oh
-This way, come on.
-Whoa.
-Oh, look, Pop!
POP: Oh, Rudolph!
MARK: It's the VOCM transmitter!
Come on.
MIKE JR: Mark?
Pop?
Oh, over here!
MIKE JR: Hey.
Uh, whoa!
Someone's feelin'
the Christmas spirit.
Hey, grab the other end
of that tree.
Paul Bunyan here got us lost.
All right.
Home is right here.
Follow me.
["I'll Be Home for Christmas"
by Johnny Mathis]
POP: Jesus
Come on!
Don't go that way.
[Mike Jr. laughs]
Wait!
♪
Please have snow ♪
And mistletoe ♪
And presents on the tree ♪
MIKE SR: It's perfect.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Home isn't a place.
It's people.
Should we have
a white Christmas or a red?
♪
Hm.
will find me ♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Like
a candle, Christmas memories
burn brightest when it's dark.
the love light gleams ♪
[chuckles]
♪
I'll be home
for Christmas ♪
If only in my dreams ♪
[car honking]
♪
If only
in my
dreams ♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The best
Christmas memories
are the ones we make today,
and they last the longest
when we love the giver
more than the gift.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Christmas.
Peace on Earth, goodwill to all,
and gifts!
You have to give me a hint.
[Fox sighs on phone]
I I don't know
what to get you.
I don't have any money
to get you anything,
so you better not
get me anything either.
Right.
Uh, no no gifts.
Uh
maybe just stockings, then?
FOX: [phone]
We have each other.
We don't need gifts.
MARK: [phone]
But it's Christmas.
It's all about giving and love.
MARY: I can't find
the packin' angel!
POP: Well, maybe you sat on it.
Check your arse.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): They say
there's no place like home
for the holidays.
Whoever said that
was definitely not at home.
Well, did you find it yet?
I can't see anything!
It's dark up here.
Is the angel in that one?
You know, I'm of an age
where I'm not exactly
looking forward to being
face-to-face with the angels.
This is just branches
in this one.
MARY: Well, we can't have
a Christmas tree
without the friggin' angel!
Mom!
I'm on the phone.
-Mmm!
-Sorry about that.
It's, uh you know,
a little nuts here today.
Oh, it sounds nice.
I kinda miss everybody yelling.
You know, it's the first
Christmas without my family.
It's weird.
I think I found it.
That's a reindeer.
-Well y'know hm.
-[Mary sighs]
You can have my family.
We're decorating the tree today.
Oh, yeah, I'm not gonna bother.
You gotta have a tree!
We don't have one.
We always used to cut a tree.
Mom says fake ones are easier.
There's gotta be another
bag of orange branches!
It's got no middle!
You know,
maybe if you just turned it.
I could spin it like
a jeezly top all day long!
That's not gonna change the fact
that it's got no packin' middle!
Isn't Christmas peaceful?
POP: [background]
Well, what are you looking at?
Still no snow here.
Any your way?
[sighs]
Nope.
A green Christmas.
So weird.
The first I ever seen.
It doesn't feel like Christmas.
Yeah, tell me about it.
MARK: Well, I know
it sucks for you this year,
but you still gotta have a tree.
MARY: [background]
Christ on a cross!
Stick it up your hole,
you jeezly tree!
POP: We need a better tree.
Or not.
This bloody thing.
It's unnatural!
Plastic trees,
plastic tablecloth,
even plastic Jesus.
I mean
is there nothing real anymore?
Thanks for keeping it down
while I was on the phone.
Oh, nice
Christmas stick.
POP: It's a disgrace, right?
You know, I used to
go out with your father
and get a real one every year.
He'd probably be about your age.
Why don't we go get one now?
We basically live in the woods.
I don't want a real tree!
They look cheap!
As cheap as this fake one?
It's not fake!
It's artificial.
-Right. Hm.
-Ow!
You mangy, mingy,
maggoty-arsed tree!
Fine.
Go get a real one.
Just be back before dark.
Here, put this on.
Let's go save Christmas.
Right.
Stupid tree.
[upbeat instrumental
"We Wish You a Merry Christmas"]
♪
[cheerleaders
cheering indistinctly]
♪
[bells jingling]
♪
MIKE SR: Mike Critch, reporting
live from the annual downtown
St. John's Santa Claus Parade.
No rain or snow in the forecast,
so it's a great chance
to come out and see
the big man himself, Santa Claus!
For updates,
stay tuned to 590 VOCM,
your Merry Christmas station.
This your first time broadcasting
from the Santy Claus Parade, right?
-Yes, sir.
-Best gig of the year, b'y.
Everyone's smiling, waving.
Sure could use some snow, though.
Look, Santy's goin' around
with his coat open!
Yeah.
What's wrong with you?
Promise you won't tell Dad?
No, I don't wanna end up on
no naughty list.
Yeah, okay.
Forget it, forget it.
Oh, jeez, the only thing worse
than keeping secrets
is not having none.
What is it?
Amanda got offered
a job at the station.
Yes!
Wicked!
Hey, you must have
got me letter, Santy!
Me daughter's comin' home!
-Dick!
-What?
Amanda comin' back to Magic 97
is dandy, b'y!
Yeah, she got offered a job
doing the news.
On VOCM.
But that's your fadder's
Oh!
-[loud knock]
-Jesus!
-Frig's sakes!
-Almost time to roll out.
We're behind the cheerleaders.
Try not to hit any this year,
will ya, Dick?
Yeah, I'll go, uh, check
the, uh, trailer hitch here.
Why is he so jumpy?
Uh, you remember
your first parade, Mike.
Big day.
I suppose.
Can you keep a secret, Dick?
No.
I think this might be our last
Christmas on Kenmount Road.
Oh
Sorry to hear that, Mike.
How's Mary takin' it?
She doesn't know.
Wha?!
You gotta tell her, Mike, b'y.
She's bound to find out.
-How?
-Well, Mike Junior might
He doesn't know either.
I hopes you likes coal
in your stocking!
Promise me you won't
say anything.
-I
-[loud knock]
-Ahh!
-Oh, Christ!
Showtime.
You didn't say anything to him,
did ya?
I ain't talking to no one
till Boxing Day!
[upbeat music playing on radio]
[starts engine]
Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la ♪
POP: Hurry up.
All the good trees
are gonna be taken.
How about this one?
Oh, too small.
This one?
Too tall.
Well, how about this?
Too fat.
This?
Too skinny.
Oh, that one.
Too green.
-This?
-Too dry.
Oh, I give up!
[sighs]
Ah, there's not even
any good trees anymore.
When your father was a boy,
these trees, they were
they were like giants.
[poignant music]
There's not even any bloody snow.
[sighs]
Nobody keeps up
the old traditions.
[exhales]
No Tibb's Eve.
No mum me ring.
You used to take Dad mum me ring?
[laughs]
Oh
everybody went mum me ring.
[traditional festive music]
POP: We'd go from
house to house,
making the neighbours
guess who we were.
Well, they already knew,
but they played along.
[knocks at door]
Any mummers allowed in?!
POP: There was no such thing
as a locked door back then.
We should try it sometime.
Oh
[chuckles]
Well, they'd probably
put us in jail.
How about this one?
Oh
now,that is a Christmas tree.
[sighs]
Finally.
All right.
Let's go to work.
[comical, intriguing music]
MARY: Christ in a manger!
Where is that friggin' angel?
Careful up there!
Don't fall!
MARY: Ooh!
Jesus.
Who in the name of
the Blessed Virgin
waltzes in without knockin'?
[sighs]
Oh, Mr. Bartlett!
Oh, I am so sorry for the mess.
Oh, that's to be expected
this time of year.
Speaking of which,
I popped by with Mike's bonus.
It's a Christmas chicken.
Oh, I see.
Mr. Murphy always
gave a turkey at Christmas.
Yes, Mrs. Bartlett
prefers the chicken.
Says the meat is moister.
Hmm.
Guess you must have had
a lot of great Christmases
in this house, have ya?
Oh, so many.
Of course, not the same now
that the boys are grown.
No, but I daresay you'll miss it.
Miss it?
Christmases here on Kenmount.
But you'll create new memories
wherever you land.
Mike didn't tell ya?
Tell me what?
You've got to move.
Come sit down, Ebenezer.
You need to have a chat
with Bob Cratchit's wife.
[under his breath]
Jesus.
Oh
this damn thing is blunt.
You want me to take a turn?
Well, be careful.
All right.
There.
It's not a loaf of bread!
Put your whole back into it!
-Okay.
-Yeah! Give it
[eerie, disorienting music]
Mike
Mike, be careful!
You're far too young
to be playing with saws!
Pop, you
you mean Mark.
What?
Oh
Wha?
This is all wrong.
This is
You're not my son.
W-Where's Mike?
Mike! Mike!
Please,
help me find my little boy.
We were out mum me ring.
Don't just stand there!
Help me find him!
He's lost in the woods!
Pop, I
[playing "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas"]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
When I was a kid,
a parade was basically just
slow traffic, but with tinsel.
[cheerleaders cheering
and bells ringing]
MIKE SR: Hundreds have
lined the streets
for the downtown St. John's
Santa Claus Parade.
All the tiny tots have
their letters ready to give
to Santa's helpers.
I'm Mike Critch.
And I'm Mike Campbell.
Coming up, we have "I'll Be Home
for Christmas" by Johnny Mathis
on VOCM, your Christmas station.
I'm dreaming tonight ♪
Of a place I love ♪
Even more than I usually do ♪
Did I ever take you
down to the parade?
No.
You were always in the parade.
Right.
Well, I should've.
Oh, come on.
I was always more excited to see
you than Santa Claus anyway.
-I gotta
-I got something to say.
-You go first.
-You go ahead.
Fine.
I think I'm gonna get fired.
What?
Come on, you're Mike Critch.
Mr. Bartlett says
he wants fresh blood.
-He told you?
-Tell me what?
Told you what?
What?
I think you're just
being paranoid.
Look, there's no good way
to tell you this, but
Bartlett's gonna
tear down the house.
What?
He can't do that.
No, no! What did Mom say?
I haven't exactly
told her yet.
Dad
Come on, you've gotta tell her.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not yet.
No point giving
someone bad news now.
I don't wanna ruin Christmas.
I'll ruin New Year's instead.
["I'll Be Home for Christmas"
playing in background]
What was it
you were gonna tell me?
Nothin'.
Just, um
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Merry Christmas, son.
I'll be home for Christmas ♪
If only ♪
Santa Claus Parade is coming on.
Do you wanna watch it with me?
That's for kids, b'y!
I'm goin' down to hang out
in front of the store.
Just watch a little
with me, please?
What, are ya scared, is ya?
It's Christmas, b'y,
not Halloween.
Yeah, it don't feel like it.
[sighs]
We shoulda got a tree.
Yeah.
[instrumental "O Christmas Tree"]
♪
[laughs]
What are you doing?
Wait, wait, wait
♪
[Fox chuckles]
♪
There.
Now we got a tree.
Dork.
[sighs]
Better?
Yeah.
It is.
Here.
TV: And coming up now,
we see the Shriners
and the Keystone Cops.
I'm in the radio business,
Mrs. Critch.
I'm not a landlord and you crowd
are barely paying any rent.
And that is reflected
in Mike's pay.
You're barely
paying him any salary.
That's always been the deal.
Well, I didn't make that deal.
Look, I'm not the bad guy.
I tried to set him up at CHVO.
Turned me down flat.
He what?
Hmm
Maybe you should be
talking to your husband, not me.
I wonder what people will say
when I go on the CBC
and tell everyone
that your Christmas station
sent a family out lookin' for
a manger on Christmas Eve!
Nobody said anything
about Christmas.
When, then?
You gotta be out
by the end of March.
Once the snow melts,
we're bringing in the pavers.
Or end of April.
July.
Come on
July?
You businessmen
like to negotiate, right?
You see, I have a son,
and he is still in school,
Mr. Bartlett.
And his head is up in the clouds,
and to be honest,
I like it up there.
And I don't wanna yank him
back to Earth
before he graduates high school.
So, I am asking you,
at Christmas,
to search your heart
and let us stay
until July.
I'll go quietly then.
July it is.
Now get out of my house.
It's just business.
Oh.
Merry Christmas.
[front door opens and closes]
Friggin' Christmas!
Oh
There you are.
Well, now all we needs is a tree.
[poignant music]
Oh
♪
[music darkens]
Pop, it's me.
I don't know you.
I'm your grandson.
Why would you say that?
Where's Mike?
Mike's okay, Pat.
He's already home.
He just ran ahead, is all.
Kate, she put him to bed.
He's safe.
He's just tuckered.
Good, good.
That sounds right.
Mike's home.
Yeah.
Where are we?
Good God, Mary.
It looks like
Bing Crosby threw up in here.
Well, if it's gonna be our
last Christmas in this house,
at least it'll be a good one.
Wait, you know?
You know?
You told your son
before you told me?!
[sighs]
Pop and Mark are still out
looking for a tree.
A real tree?
Good gosh,
you'll burn the house down.
Don't.
Here.
Go tell them to come home
while there's still
a home to come to.
MIKE JR: I'll be right back.
But not too soon.
Okay?
I'm gonna give you guys
some time.
You just talk, and sit,
and really
Bye!
[1950s Christmas music
playing on radio]
How?
-Doesn't matter.
-I was gonna tell ya.
I just
thought I could fix it.
I was trying to protect you.
By lying to me?
By not telling you.
Same thing.
I guess I was hoping for a
Christmas miracle.
Those are homemade, hon.
We're gonna have to
fix this ourselves.
After Christmas.
Come on, help me
with the decorations.
We got a tree comin'.
♪
POP: Well, where are we?
MARK: We're getting a tree.
It's Christmas.
I know that!
What do you think,
I'm brain-dead?
What I meant was,
how do we get home?
You know,
you have us all turned around.
Pop?
You
you didn't know who I was.
No, but
Uh
Look, I think it best if we keep
that between us, you know?
I was just overtired.
You need to see someone.
Mom and Dad
I already have!
They don't know their arse
from their elbow.
Now
I used to know how to do this.
Moss will only grow
on the north side of a tree.
Or is it the south?
East?
Quiet, Pop.
POP: Rude!
I hear cars.
And that must mean
the highway is near.
And if we find the highway,
we find the house.
-Oh
-This way, come on.
-Whoa.
-Oh, look, Pop!
POP: Oh, Rudolph!
MARK: It's the VOCM transmitter!
Come on.
MIKE JR: Mark?
Pop?
Oh, over here!
MIKE JR: Hey.
Uh, whoa!
Someone's feelin'
the Christmas spirit.
Hey, grab the other end
of that tree.
Paul Bunyan here got us lost.
All right.
Home is right here.
Follow me.
["I'll Be Home for Christmas"
by Johnny Mathis]
POP: Jesus
Come on!
Don't go that way.
[Mike Jr. laughs]
Wait!
♪
Please have snow ♪
And mistletoe ♪
And presents on the tree ♪
MIKE SR: It's perfect.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Home isn't a place.
It's people.
Should we have
a white Christmas or a red?
♪
Hm.
will find me ♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Like
a candle, Christmas memories
burn brightest when it's dark.
the love light gleams ♪
[chuckles]
♪
I'll be home
for Christmas ♪
If only in my dreams ♪
[car honking]
♪
If only
in my
dreams ♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The best
Christmas memories
are the ones we make today,
and they last the longest
when we love the giver
more than the gift.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪