Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e08 Episode Script

1
It's freaking freezing out there.
Mr. J, I know you told us
to go gentle with the thermostat,
but I am cranking mine
all the way up to 70.
Well, set that bad boy to 72, Mel.
The repair guy finally showed up.
He's down in the basement fixing
whatever's wrong with the heater.
- Oh.
- Only a genius could fix that furnace,
and this bub don't smell
like no genius to me.
All right, folks.
I got good news and I got bad news.
Why do repair guys always say that?
I don't know. 'Cause I don't
actually have any good news.
Your furnace is broken.
It's a miracle
she's pumping out any heat at all.
And whose fault is that?
The district's. I don't want to open it
up for a guessing game.
Mr. J's been trying to get
you down here for months.
So is it something you can fix right
now as quietly as you can,
or something you'll address over break
while I'm on the beach
and don't care how loud you are?
You're not understanding me.
You need to close the school now.
[MELISSA, AVA CHUCKLE]
All right, I'll bite.
Where's the cookie from?
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
Well, it's been a good run, but we
got to shut the school down for good.
I hope the first graders have
learned enough to keep 'em out
We are not shutting down
the school on the last day before break.
Yeah, it's winter show day,
and my students have sold
tickets to their parents, their aunts,
anyone who feels guilt.
It's part of our lesson on
percentages and skimming.
But the repair guy said
He's bluffing.
It would've been the same story
if he came out two months ago.
We made it those two months.
Yeah, the only reason the furnace
needs to be replaced today
is because he's here today.
Well, suit yourself, but any more
strain, and that furnace is gonna crack.
Hey, hey, hey, don't leave me.
Take me with you!
Hey, calm down.
We just give the furnace
a stress-free day.
We'll turn the heat down
on the third floor
and move those kids downstairs and
then double up on
second floor classrooms.
[CHUCKLES] Is that my Harvard showing?
Stress-free sounds great.
Like physically I'm here,
but mentally I'm already in the tub,
two nogs deep,
Dean Martin playing in the background.
Would y'all take my warning
seriously if I had hair?
Brr. It's cold out there. [CHUCKLES]
I hope Jack Frost has 401(k) matching
because he is working overtime.
You said that in the parking lot.
I'm trying to see how much
mileage I can get out of it.
You two, your winter
show doesn't involve
temperatures above
the high 60s, does it?
Oh, ask Jacob. I know you assigned it
to both of us, but I
didn't want to do it.
Which worked out because
I really wanted to do it.
Well, it better be good.
I'd hate to be disappointed
by you two yet again.
All decisions were made by Jacob. I
didn't weigh in because I do not care.
See, that's the difference
between you and me.
I don't care about anything,
and yet I be weighing.
This winter show, it's gonna be a whole
vibe shift, starting
with the mood music.
Think Sufjan Stevens'
second holiday album.
- Yawn.
- It's pronounced Sufjan.
You really thought that was
the best choice for the winter show?
I did.
I also thought you said you didn't care.
You're right.
- I don't. Do your thing.
- Okay.
- Good morning, Janine. And happy birthday.
- Morning, Barbara. Oh!
What are you gonna do to celebrate?
Okay, so last night, I was still 29.
I go to Rubenstein's
and turn up with my friends,
- but today I'm 30. [CHUCKLES]
- Mmm.
Very adult.
So I'll be going to a very mature dinner
with Gregory and my mommy.
- Your mother?
- Yeah.
Oh, and she is arriving now… [GASPS]
…"Breezing past the front door biddies.
"Meet you in the room
with the sad people
and the free food."
She's on her way here.
I'm really happy my mom can
make it for my birthday dinner.
I'm turning 30 and this is
a real chance to start
a new relationship with her and just
breeze into a new decade of life.
Whoo, it is cold outside.
I can't believe I left my house today.
- Mom, welcome back to Abbott.
- [VANETTA LAUGHING]
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
And happy 30th anniversary to me
for creating a whole ass person.
- [GROANS] Mom.
- [VANETTA LAUGHING]
Okay, well,
I know you wanna get your coffee
but I do need to run back to my classroom.
So you guys just catch up
and come meet me whenever.
- Okay?
- All right. Mm-hmm.
Oh. Hello, Vanetta.
Mmm. Mmm?
"Glomma." Is that like a gay llama
or something? That's cute.
Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
So this is the first birthday
that you have been in town for
since Janine started here at Abbott,
and I'm just wondering what
brings you around this year?
Oh, ease up, Mrs. Lady.
I'm just here to support my daughter
in her time of crisis.
- What crisis?
- Losing a man like Tariq.
Still teaching the second grade. When
is she gonna get promoted to third?
- But that's not how it works
- And you know what's even sadder?
Janine ain't got no friends.
See, when I was turning 30,
I wouldn't invite my mama nowhere.
I was down in ATL at Magic City
eating chicken wings
off of strippers' butts.
But my 30-year-old daughter
is celebrating her birthday
with her backup boyfriend, uh, George.
- Gregory.
- Whatever.
And her mom, who people are surely
gonna think is her sister… [CHUCKLES]
…who is also not here, you get it now?
However Janine chooses to celebrate,
that is what she wants to do,
and I can assure you
she is not in a crisis.
She is in fact doing quite well.
It's like you weren't even
listening to nothing I was saying.
Janine's life is tragic.
She needs her mother.
- Bye, girl.
- You
All right, kids,
find a new classroom and squeeze in.
This floor is a movieplex today.
Yeah, hustle it up.
We got a date with Bruce in five minutes.
Die Hard in five.
And in my classroom, we'll be watching
The Nightmare Before Christmas.
Wait, no, Nightmare on Elm Street.
Oops. [CHUCKLES] My bad.
Muppet Christmas Carol.
Mixed up my Freddys with my Fozzies.
I'm telling you,
the furnace ain't a happy girl.
You're playing with fire.
Oh, please, if we'd listened to you,
we'd be home by now.
Yeah.
Damn. Tricked myself into working.
Hey, uh, Dia said these came for you.
Oh. Yes. [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- The hell is this?
- Do you love it?
Doesn't totally seem like you do, but
maybe you're doing
one of those fake-outs.
Feels like I'm on the Crown Royal bag.
[CHUCKLES] You wouldn't believe
how much chiffon
you can get from Amazon
on an elementary school play's budget.
The theme of this year's show
is the color purple.
- The movie?
- No, the color.
Purple. It's inclusive in that no
winter holiday includes it.
You know, if you don't like it,
we can brainstorm.
No need.
It's great, love purple.
And then you unfold it and voilà.
[STUDENTS] Ooh.
Yes, and guess who taught her that?
- Lamb Chop.
- Vanetta.
Uh-uh. No, girl, I taught you snowflakes.
And guess who taught me?
Nobody, 'cause I had to
do everything my damn self. [CHUCKLES]
Okay. Note, guys, the next step
is the most important. Glitter.
Ooh. Look at you getting
the hang of this teaching stuff.
Yeah, I really am.
I started a fashion club
with members and everything,
and they're gonna walk
the runway at the winter show.
It's like, small, but it's cute.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Mom, this incredible,
amazing human being is Gregory Eddie.
[VANETTA] Oh.
Okay, nice to meet you, Gregory Eddie.
It's nice to finally meet you.
Janine has told me so much.
Mmm.
Ms. Teagues, I messed up.
Okay.
Well, remember, guys,
there are no mistakes in snowflakes,
so we are gonna try another.
I'll be right back.
It's really great that
you can come tonight.
So my firstborn is dating a teacher, huh?
Yes, I'm a teacher.
You know her last man was a rapper?
Lots of upside there.
- Tariq? Y-Yeah, we've met.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- So what's your deal? Do you rap?
- Huh?
[STUTTERS] Not on purpose. No.
Mmm. [CHUCKLES] I guess your side bitches
don't like that, huh?
Um. [CHUCKLES]
Just, you know, a friendly reminder, we
are surrounded by second graders, so…
Child, these kids done heard at all.
Okay, um, but I want to assure you
that I do not have any side…
women.
Oh. Oh.
Low T, huh?
[WHISPERS] I won't say nothing.
- That's not I'm
- [JANINE EXHALES DEEPLY] What did I miss?
Oh. Did he spoil the big B reveal?
He's from Baltimore.
- [VANETTA] Mmm.
- We hadn't quite gotten there yet.
- Aw.
- Mmm, yeah. Well, he's cute.
He's not my type,
but he's about your speed.
[SMACKS LIPS] Aw.
- He is, isn't he?
- [VANETTA] Mmm.
- I'm so glad you like him.
- [VANETTA] Mmm.
Is that what she said?
[EXHALES] I got more
kids in my class than
a Mormon bouncy house, but it's working.
Yeah, shutting down
the third floor is going great.
I should do it year round
and rent it out as a coworking space.
Yeah,
we're gonna make it to the winter show.
Did you hear that, Mr. J?
Uncover your ears.
[FURNACE RUMBLING]
Well, that's a weird rumble.
Ah. My bad.
Intermittent fasting. It's hell.
- [RUMBLING CONTINUES]
- [MR. JOHNSON] Oh.
That rumble.
That's just the school's bones.
Yeah, that's the sound bones make.
[RUMBLING INTENSIFIES]
[HISSING]
Either the rats have elected a new pope,
or the furnace is about to go.
- [HISSING]
- [MELISSA] Oh.
[AVA] Everybody, down another floor!
Okay, everybody,
find your homeroom teacher.
Ask whose class you're
loitering in for the rest of the day.
I turned the heat down on the second
floor, and the thermostat snapped off.
Okay, well,
it's not gonna get any more broken.
Let's just throw on a jacket and nut
up. Paying parents are on their way.
[RUMBLING]
Stay calm, Mr. Johnson,
you're gonna freak the kids out.
- Oh, my God! Hurry up!
- [WHIMPERS]
All right, guys, s-so it's gonna be a
tight squeeze, but, um, that's okay.
It's only for one more period.
It's always something
with this school, huh?
Yeah, you know,
it definitely keeps us on our toes,
but I'd say it's exciting that way, right?
Thank you. Here you go.
[HUFFS] I used to get so stressed out
when things went wrong here,
but I'm feeling much more confident.
- Mmm.
- I'm really coming into my own.
I learned a lot in my
20s and turning 30,
I think there's a lot
to look forward to.
Like what?
I don't know, maybe… [INHALES SHARPLY]
…saving up and buying a house
[CHUCKLES] With what money?
That's the "saving up part." [CHUCKLES]
Look, I don't own a house. You… [STAMMERS]
You need to be more realistic
about your expectations, hon.
[JANINE] I don't think it's unrealistic.
It's not easy.
Look, I just don't want you to
dream so big that you get crushed, baby.
Yeah, no, right, I know.
Okay. It was just a thought.
- Girl, let that thing go.
- Yeah.
Well, one of the older kids
accidentally sat on one of my littles,
so we're here early.
What's this now?
Theater in the round.
What in the what?
My vision was for the seats
to be on a rotating turntable,
but… [CLICKS TONGUE] …call me a lazy
Susan because I just
couldn't get it done.
Oh, why not just use the stage like
normal shows where everyone can see
and you don't have to make eye
contact with the person across from you?
Mm-hmm. Yes, that almost sounds
like a note, but it can't be,
as I distinctly remember you
saying you didn't want to give any.
I don't want to give any,
but the choices you're making
leave me with no option.
Mr. Eddie, why is it purple in here?
Don't nobody know, Meera.
Don't nobody know.
Go on, take a seat.
Uh…
Vanetta, may I have a word
with you, please?
[SIGHS] What now?
I couldn't help
but overhear what you said to Janine
earlier about her dream of buying a house.
Oh, you couldn't help it, huh?
You know, you got a real problem
minding your business, you know that?
Janine is telling you about things
that she's excited about,
her hopes and dreams,
and you're acting like they won't happen.
Because they won't.
See, as her mother,
my job is to keep her grounded.
Listening to people like you
is only going to get her broke.
To some people,
it might just sound like you're jealous.
Oh, really?
Well, what people might that be?
'Cause I know they're not
gonna say it to my face.
Don't you want your daughter to be happy?
Of course I do. I'm her mother.
Well, she's happy now.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES] It's good.
Be happy she's happy.
Okay, purple circles.
Now this is theater.
["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]
Okay, in 45 minutes, we'll be on break,
and in an hour I will be
drunk dialing Wendy's.
We're right on schedule.
And with all these people,
it's actually warm in here.
- Yeah.
- Does anyone else not hear that?
Not hear what?
So you don't hear it too.
Oh, you all look so good.
I finally get why they
call her Anna Wintour. [CHUCKLES]
All right, go ahead, get ready.
You know, too bad they didn't have
fashion club when you were in school.
Why? 'Cause then
I would have dressed better?
No, I think you would have
really enjoyed it.
Oh.
You know, I was thinking,
I really can see you owning a house.
Yeah, you were always better
with money than I was, so…
Ooh. Speaking of… [CHUCKLING]
Happy birthday, baby.
- Ah…
- Yes, you can start on that down payment.
Mom, you did not have to get me anything.
Mmm. But I did. A dollar for every year.
Once again, I am 30 though. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, but they don't make $30 bills,
now, do they?
- You are right.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Thank you, Mom.
Aw. You're welcome, sweetheart.
[INHALES SHARPLY] I'm so proud of you.
All right, well, do you want to go ahead
and take a seat?
Because the show's about to start.
I'll tell you what,
I'ma go to the bathroom instead.
Okay. And then you'll come take a seat?
Girl, I gave you $20, now don't be greedy.
[FURNACE RUMBLES]
[RUMBLING INTENSIFIES]
Uh-oh.
[CREAKING]
Easy girl, easy.
[WHIRRING INTENSIFIES]
'Sup?
We're about to have
a real big problem at Abbott.
There she is, the birthday girl.
How's your day going?
You know, honestly, it's kind of perfect.
I think my mom and I
are actually rounding
the corner on our relationship, so…
- That's wonderful, sweetheart.
- Thank you.
Gregory, would you mind, uh,
helping me move this tree?
Sure, I can help you move
this fake tree made out of wood,
which real trees are already made out of.
- What an astute observation.
- Mm-hmm.
Actually, while I got you, one more?
Is it another abomination?
You tell me, Gregory.
- I have nothing to say.
- [SMACKS LIPS] Really?
You don't have a problem
with this rainbow tree?
Maybe something about how
trees like this aren't natural?
- You're setting me up.
- I'm setting you up to participate, okay?
I love your input.
I don't need your criticism.
And if you don't like the LGB tree,
well then I have a cue for you.
Would you please take your seat?
Why do you look so smug?
[SMACKS LIPS] I was right. The furnace
finally died, and there's no more heat.
- Well, too bad, so sad.
- [MELISSA SCOFFS]
The district will fix it over
the break like we told them they would.
Yeah, and for the rest of
the day it's pretty toasty in here.
I hope you like your toast wet.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
Snow ♪
In Wisconsin it snows ♪
[FURNACE RUMBLING]
[STUDENT 1 HARMONIZING]
- [SHOW ATTENDEES MURMURING]
- Oh.
Jacob got fake snow?
[GROANS] It tastes like crap.
It's dust.
Ugh. [GAGS]
[RUMBLING INTENSIFIES]
- [SHOW ATTENDEES CLAMORING]
- [JACOB] Oh, shoot.
Everybody, leave. Slowly. Come this way.
Go slowly.
- [JANINE] Go outside.
- There you go. Come on.
[BARBARA] Walk carefully now.
So, how's that plan working?
Hey, who do I need
to speak to about a refund?
- 'Cause
- No refunds. Merry Christmas.
Mr. Johnson, call the repair guy.
He's on his way.
And so is a water slide installer.
We'll see who we want to
go with when they arrive.
Have a great break, everyone.
Oh, here, take-take some grapes.
It would have made sense
if we got to do the show. Um.
Well, I managed to save this.
The LGB tree.
See, huh? I knew you liked my ideas.
I hated your ideas.
Don't even get me started on the grapes,
but I shouldn't have criticized
if I wasn't gonna help.
So, I'm sorry.
That is mean, but self-aware.
[SIGHS] Oh, but the theater
in the round was amazing.
- Right?
- Yeah.
Sorry your play got soaked.
Yeah.
But the bunting will be dry just in time
for a very purple Saint Patrick's Day.
[SMACKS LIPS] Well, then the kids
can kiss the Barney stone.
[COUGHS]
You all right?
I know I didn't laugh,
but that is the funniest thing
you have ever said by a mile.
Nice.
Mom, thank you so much for coming.
I'm sorry the school started crying.
Ah. [CHUCKLES] Don't worry about it, baby.
I am looking forward to dinner tonight.
- Yeah, me too.
- Gregory seems like a good man.
- He paying, right?
- [CHUCKLES] Yes, he's paying.
He planned the entire night.
He's really detail oriented. Sometimes,
I think if we ever have a wedding,
he's just gonna have so much
fun with the seating chart.
Uh, wedding, you pregnant?
- No, no.
- Oh.
It's just marriage, buying a house.
They just seem like the, uh, natural
next steps for a brand new 30-year-old.
Well, I never got married.
I might. [CHUCKLES]
Well, it's still new.
You guys are in the early stages,
y'all don't live together yet,
and he doesn't know the real you yet,
does he?
The real me?
I say this with love, babe,
but you know you annoying, right?
Okay, I know I may, like, occasionally
get a little overenthused, but
Look, all I'ma say is I had my pick
of men begging to marry me,
but you and your sister would
drive 'em right on out the house.
You better watch that if Gregory
ever asks you to move in with him.
Just my two cents.
Mmm.
You know what, Mom?
Um, I don't think
that you need to come to dinner tonight.
Are you serious?
I-I-I sat up here all day and watched
these kids snatch
boogers out their nose.
Right. It's been a long day, so you
should probably go
home and get some rest.
But thank you so much for the card.
Okay. [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Well, happy birthday or whatever.
- Thank you.
Wasted my whole damn day.
[SIGHS]
Oh. Definite burstage,
serious floodness,
and your furnace is completely donzo.
So is that an official diagnosis or…
Uh. You're gonna need a brand new one.
Fine, one new furnace
and a nice one this time.
Oh, no. Not a new furnace, a new school.
- [SCOFFS] Come again?
- Excuse me?
At least for a while.
This isn't gonna be some quick repair job.
Yeah, okay, but we've been in a place
where the school
wasn't in a fighting shape, you know.
- We manage.
- Great.
Well, you'll have no heat, no water,
no usable kitchen.
You're gonna need
significant drywall repair,
otherwise you're gonna get black mold.
Yeah, see,
I don't think you're understanding
the level of infrastructure we're used to.
Plus construction guys
coming in and out all day,
and your whole parking lot's
gonna be totally taken over.
Wha-Where will we park?
Mmm. I don't know. Ooh, the street.
We need a new school, y'all.
I hate to say that I told you
so because I like to sing it.
[BLOWS]
I told you so ♪
- Hey, you ready?
- Hey. Yeah.
- Where's your mom?
- She's not coming.
Oh. Okay, everything all right?
Yeah, I'll tell you about it over dinner.
Okay.
[BARBARA EXHALES] Lord, have mercy.
- Hey, Barbara.
- Oh.
Hey, do you have any dinner plans tonight?
My mom actually can't make it, so…
I'd love to join.
Okay, good.
[AVA SIGHS]
So instead of sipping mai tais
on the beach all break,
our hero, Ava Coleman, has been
looking for a new school building.
Zillow, Craigslist, Tinder, the works.
Turns out I have to use
the options the school district gave me.
Welcome to the brand
new Abbott Elementary. [CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] It's an old mall, okay?
We're gonna make it work.
Happy holidays.