Clarkson's Farm (2021) s05e08 Episode Script
Reaping
1
[tractor beeping]
[birds chirping]
[tractor continues beeping]
- [Kaleb] I'm gonna get a bed of straw.
- I've hooked up the trailer to the Range.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- So we can go down in that.
[tractor beeping]
[Jeremy] Having prepped the barn
for the harvest,
we were now hurriedly converting it
into a TB-isolation unit
for the cow that hadn't passed the test.
Come on, you.
I'm afraid it's not good news for you.
[Jeremy] She's been separated from her
calf down there, she's really distressed.
²She's pregnant with twins.
Shouldn't we get
the calf in here as well?
[Kaleb] No, because remember
what Dilwyn said?
If the calf comes in,
the calf will have to go as well.
[Jeremy] Is that calf gonna be
crying tonight? Or will she be crying?
- [Kaleb] Yeah, one of them will be.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] Well, just,
isn't it a terrible disease?
[Kaleb] It's just sad that a cow
should never be on its own.
- [Jeremy] I know.
- A cow is a herd animal.
[engine whirring]
[Lisa] I'm so sorry.
[Jeremy] Cow.
[Jeremy] And there she is.
We'd got so relaxed about it hadn't we?
'Cause we'd been fine for so many years.
[Jeremy] I know,
ten tests we've done now.
And now I can't
bear it. Such a shock.
[cow mooing]
Oh, man
Aw
[Jeremy] We then went to fetch Endgame,
because given how important he was,
we felt it best to isolate him
from the rest of the herd as well.
- [Kaleb] Farming's shit, innit?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[Jeremy] It's a sh
I don't like it today.
I mean, that's devastating
with that poor cow there,
cow number one, but Endgame, Jesus.
[Jeremy sighing]
I could not put him on a lorry,
I just couldn't do it.
[Jeremy chucking] Hello!
[Jeremy] Endgame having a
Oh no, Endgame's got his head
between the car and the trailer.
Endgame, you are not helping here.
- Endgame, move!
- [Endgame moos]
[Kaleb] Go on. [tongue clicking]
Load up. Good lad, go on then.
Go on. Go on then, lad.
[calf mooing]
[Kaleb] Hear that noise?
That's calf shouting for mummy.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[calf mooing]
[mooing]
[Jeremy] Come on, Endgame.
Back in solitary confinement I'm afraid.
[Lisa] He looks magnificent.
[mooing]
[Jeremy] Poor old Endgame.
[Jeremy chuckling]
- [Endgame mooing]
- Mate!
Some levity at the end of the day.
[Lisa] He's so beautiful.
[Jeremy] He is a beautiful animal.
- He'll be fine, he has to be.
- [Jeremy] He betta be, he betta be.
[Endgame mooing]
- [cow mooing]
- They're talking to each other, look.
[Lisa] I know.
At least, they have each other.
[cows mooing]
[mooing]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Our medical work wasn't done,
because the next day,
it became clear that the calf
with pneumonia was getting worse.
[Lisa] Can you try and stand up for me?
Come on now, try and stand up for me.
Aw, baby.
[mooing]
[Lisa] Aw, well done.
[soft music continues]
[Jeremy] Back at the yard,
we made a pneumonia isolation pen
for the little calf and her mum.
Oh, so heavy.
[Kaleb grunting]
[Kaleb sighing] There we go.
She's breathing like she's got
fluid on her lungs I think.
- [Kaleb] The best thing is
- [Lisa] So is that pneumonia?
[Kaleb] Yeah, that's the pneumonia.
[Lisa] Yeah,
I just hope it's not too late.
Aw
I would say that is not a well calf.
[Kaleb] We've got to keep feeding her
for the next couple of days.
And hopefully she'll get her strength
back as the antibiotics kick in.
And then, as she gets her strength back,
she will start feeding
off her mum again.
[Jeremy] Ogh, Christ Almighty.
[Jeremy] Hoping that would be
the last time we needed to build a pen,
we tidied away the rest of the fencing.
[Jeremy] That's all we've done
for two days is build cattle pens.
I just want to get our harvest in.
[Kaleb] Whoa. Move out a bit.
- [Jeremy] Oh!
- [Kaleb] Stop!
[Jeremy] I'm going to the fucking pub.
[door opening]
[Jeremy] That is the last straw.
[soft chattering]
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] After all the trauma
we'd been through,
I finally got some good news.
[music intensifies]
We could start harvesting
before I went off to hospital
and we'd begin with the oats.
It's slightly weird
doing it without Simon,
but exciting to be doing it with Kaleb.
[Jeremy] And especially exciting
because Kaleb had bought himself
a combine harvester.
[dramatic music continues]
Here we go!
The mighty Lamborghini
pressed into service once again.
No beeping or the nonsense
we got from the green one.
Look at that for one snazzy trailer.
You don't realise how big they are
until you sit in one
and you drive one
down a road and you go,
oh yeah, I actually am bigger
than the road nearly.
- [car hooting]
- [Kaleb] Shit!
That'll be tight.
Oh, God
[Kaleb] Sorry!
[car hooting]
[Kaleb] Maybe I should have gone
the other way.
[Jeremy] At the oats field, I got
my first sight of Kaleb's leviathan.
[Jeremy] Holy cow, look at that.
That is a whopping combine.
How much wider
is that header than Simon's?
- Eight foot wider.
- [Jeremy] Eight foot?
His was a 22 and that's a 30.
[Jeremy] So you should have this done
in two hours?
[Kaleb] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] And it was only 35 grand?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
'Cause a new combine is what?
- [Kaleb] Like half a million up.
- Half a million, yeah.
[Jeremy] I can't believe
how cheap that was.
[Jeremy] But then when he started it up,
all became clear.
[beeping]
[clanking]
[rattling]
[banging]
It's quite wobbly.
[Kaleb] Yeah,
it has some vibration on it.
[Jeremy] Here we go, Kaleb Cooper
is harvesting Diddly Squat Farm
for the first time.
I'm gonna have to Up
It comes up.
I think I'm gonna have
to chuck that out a little bit.
[Jeremy] Finally.
Is it actually doing any harvesting?
[Kaleb] No.
[Jeremy] You're definitely just
bending the oats over
and then
they're just coming back up again.
[Kaleb] I think it's so short
I'm really struggling to get it.
- [Jeremy] It's like combining a lawn.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
I'm gonna have to try
to adjust the header lower.
[clanking]
[Jeremy] Yeah, that's better.
That's now cutting it.
- [Kaleb] Is it?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
Hey, your first field at Diddly Squat
and we've given you a difficult one.
It is a hard one!
[banging]
What was that? That's a stone.
Did you hear that?
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[Kaleb] 'Cause I'm having to go so low,
I think we're gonna have
to just risk it this year
and potentially take the odd stone in.
Because if I go any higher,
I'm gonna miss all of the grain.
[banging]
Yeah, you're harvesting rocks now.
[folk music]
[Jeremy] Fortunately, some oats
were being harvested as well.
And eventually, it was time
to fire up the Lambo
and start grain carting.
[folk music continues]
Ooh, hello, he's doing it. I betta be
Sorry, I didn't know
he was actually gonna do that.
[Jeremy] Oh, for God's sake, Kaleb!
You're What are you doing?
[Kaleb over radio] What are you doing?
We can't afford spillages like that
this year.
[upbeat folk music]
- [banging]
- [Kaleb] Shitting hell.
[Kaleb over the radio]
This is really hard.
I'm struggling to cut this.
It's so fucking short.
I know it is.
[banging]
[whirring]
[Kaleb] It's making a horrible noise,
I don't know what it is.
Could you come and see
if you can hear this noise?
[whirring]
Ah, it's these.
[Jeremy] I know what it is.
Practical, genuinely, it's these things.
That one's not affected, then you
can see where it's rubbing here.
[Kaleb] Oh, fuck me, yeah.
[Jeremy] I think what's happened is,
- you know you've been running really low?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] I reckon you hit the earth
with it and you've broken it.
Ow! Shitting hell!
Fucking hell, that's hot.
Don't. Whatever you do, don't touch that
because they're gonna melt.
- [Kaleb] I need some tools.
- [Jeremy] All right.
Well, I think it's going very smoothly.
We've got half a trailer load
and it's five past twelve.
[Jeremy scoffing]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] It was an hour before
Kaleb's budget combine got going again.
[Jeremy] I thought we'd start this field
at 8, 8:30, this morning,
and have it done by 11.
Oh, well.
It's not like we're fighting moisture.
- [raindrops tapping]
- [Jeremy] Hold on a minute.
[tapping continues]
Maybe we are.
That can't be rain.
[scoffing] It is.
Shit! I cannot believe it.
Look at
That's rain, innit? It's gonna rain.
[Jeremy] For the first time
since fucking February,
the day we start harvesting.
[Kaleb] What the fuck?
[Jeremy] It honestly beggars belief.
I'd say that was already
I shall look on the CCTV of the pub.
Is it raining at the pub?
Which is nine miles in that direction.
Oh, look at that. Holy shit!
See that?
[tense music]
That's what's coming here.
We've had it, mate.
We need to get what we've got
in the trailer into the dry.
Shall we just load up
with what you've got?
[Kaleb] Yeah, I think so.
Fuck it, we're not gonna pay
drying charges this year.
That would be ridiculous.
Do not want heavy downpour on it.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Tell me when you're empty.
All yours, mate. Go for it.
[Jeremy] Here comes the rain.
Yeah, I can't even see the other side
of the valley now.
Bloody hell.
[tense music continues]
Shit!
It's really coming down now.
Come on, come on.
[tyres screeching]
[Jeremy] Oh, no!
That's never gonna work.
Fucking hell.
Not now, not now, not now.
No! No! No!
I'm in such a panic
I can't do it any more.
[sighing]
Finally.
[clanking]
[Jeremy] Mercifully,
the rain eventually stopped.
[soft orchestral music]
[Jeremy] And after three hours
of warm sunshine
[grain cracking]
13.6!
[Kaleb] Let's go, go, go!
[Jeremy] We got going again.
[soft orchestral music continues]
And soon,
we were in a perfect
golden hour harvesting groove.
I've got a deer in front of me.
Come on, little one, move.
Now I'm back with a smile on my face.
[Jeremy] Sun's out,
combine's working properly now.
[Kaleb over the radio] Now,
we're farming.
Whoa. Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly.
Ooh, that's right at the back.
Not bad.
[Kaleb] See you concentrating.
[Kaleb laughing over the radio]
[Kaleb sighing]
You're spilling some!
You're spilling it!
You're spilling it!
I was too busy calling him a wanker.
[Jeremy] Beautifully done, Jeremy.
Beautifully done, I think.
Are you watching that, Piastri?
Just saying.
I was just thinking, though,
now we're alone,
that if I hadn't have got myself
checked out,
and they hadn't caught
the problem early,
this could well have been
my last harvest.
It's only because they did
catch it early there's every hope
I'll be harvesting this farm
for many, many years to come.
[Kaleb] Mate, I wanna thank you.
This is like a dream.
Ever since I was a boy,
this is a dream come true.
Especially when I started here,
10 years ago, believe it or not,
and this is my first year being sat
in the combine doing the work.
It is It's an honour, but absolute
I'm buzzing.
I love that.
I mean, I'm buzzing 'cause it's my farm.
He's buzzing 'cause he's
in his own combine for the first time.
Everybody's buzzing at Diddly tonight.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] As the sun began to set,
there was some welcome news from Kaleb.
[Kaleb] Well, that's the oats done.
[Jeremy] Finished.
And finished well.
[Jeremy over the radio]
I'll see you tomorrow, mate.
[Kaleb] Yeah, catch you tomorrow.
Thank you.
[Jeremy] No, thank you. Enjoyable day.
Well, a fraught day,
but we did get it done.
[Jeremy] Thanks to the drought,
the oats yield was visibly smaller
than in previous years.
But it could have been worse.
It could have been the next crop
we harvested,
the mustard seed.
This is it.
[softly] Jesus wept.
[sighing]
I mean Just so that the ladies
and gentlemen understand.
We should have, you know, filled
this section, you know, with a good
How many acres is that field?
Five? Six?
Er, we only It was 2.4 hectares.
- So 5 acres.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
But we only combined half of it.
Which did you get,
the brown or the yellow?
- The far side.
- The far side, the brown.
- The yellow failed.
- Failed, yeah.
[Jeremy sighing]
[folk music]
[Jeremy] The next morning, I was told
that my cancer operation
would happen in six days.
[Jeremy] Come on.
[Jeremy] And I desperately wanted
to get both the winter wheat
and the spring barley
harvested before then.
- [thundering]
- [soft folk music]
But, sod's law,
it immediately started raining again.
Erm, we gotta get timings worked out
in all seriousness because
Yeah, the pressure's on.
Today's likely to be a write-off
'cause of the weather.
Yeah.
- Which leaves us with Wednesday
- Potentially tomorrow.
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
Sunday, I have to go down to London
'cause I'm in in the hospital
at 6:30 on Monday morning.
And I really want to try
and get it done by then.
And then you've got
Your third child is due?
Er, potentially the end of next week.
But she's always like seven days early.
Christ Almighty. So we've
That's all right. I mean,
as long as I'm there for the birth.
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] Incredibly,
after one of the driest
summers on record
and far too late to help the crops,
it then rained solidly
for the next three days.
[clicking]
This meant it was Saturday
before Kaleb could bring
his combine back to Diddly Squat,
and this time,
to hasten his passage through the town,
I provided an escort.
All those years he's given me stick
because my tractor is "too big"
and then he goes and buys a combine
bigger than a Nimitz-class
aircraft carrier.
[Jeremy over the radio] You're clear
to come through.
[Kaleb] I'm way.
[woman] At least, we're not the
only ones that block the roads up
Do you want bread and lager?
- [woman] Yep!
- You need a combine.
- [woman] 100 percent!
- [Jeremy chuckling]
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Thanks
to my "professional escort services",
we were soon at the farm
and gearing up to go.
[Jeremy] Weather: holding.
Tractor: working well.
Let's get some wheat in this trailer.
[whirring]
[Jeremy] I now had just a day and a half
to harvest the wheat and the barley
before going off to hospital.
[tense music]
But the hugeness of Kaleb's combine
meant it could harvest
extremely quickly.
[tense music continues]
That's a staggeringly full trailer.
Normally, with two combine loads,
albeit with a smaller combine,
it's sort of three-quarters full.
That's properly full.
[Jeremy] See you in a bit.
[Kaleb] Go!
You're gonna have to be really speedy
because I don't think
I'm gonna make it around again
without you being here.
[Jeremy] Okay.
So there can be no
shilly-shallying here,
no making a mistake.
- [crashing]
- Bloody hell.
That's knocked
the bloody door mirror back in.
[Jeremy] In.
Here it is.
Let's get this bloody mirror
back out again. Shit.
[pressing button]
Oh
I'm trapped in my own cab.
[Jeremy] Can someone
on the film crew come and pull this?
Just pull it back.
[Jeremy] Oh, that's not brilliant.
Well, that's it,
this is where I live now.
I live in the cab.
[Kaleb over the radio] Where are you?
[Kaleb] I'm ready. I'm full. Come on.
[Jeremy] Chris is going to have a go.
[clanking]
- [clanking]
- [Jeremy] Shit.
Yeah, that's probably overdone it.
["Tiger Feet" by Mud]
[Jeremy] Come on now,
let's not make a mess of this.
[Kaleb] Quick, quick, quick.
What's he doing?
[music continues]
[Jeremy] How in the corner is that!
And back we go!
[Kaleb] Go!
All night long,
you've been looking at me ♪
[Jeremy] For hours we powered on
And the going was smooth.
You've got your hips
swinging out of bounds ♪
And I like the way you do ♪
[Kaleb over the radio] Nicely done.
[Jeremy over the radio]
Totally professional.
That's right, that's right,
that's right, that's right ♪
I really love your tiger light ♪
That's neat, that's neat,
that's neat, that's neat ♪
I really love your tiger feet ♪
[Jeremy] Quarter to three, Saturday.
This time tomorrow,
I set off for London.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] Come the evening,
we were only two cartloads away
from finishing the wheat,
which meant that tomorrow morning,
with an early start and some luck,
we'd get the barley done as well.
[tractor beeping]
But then
[tractor beeping]
[Jeremy] "Clutch pedal short circuit.
The clutch pedal sensor,
engine power"
There's a short.
[beeping]
[Jeremy] Kaleb,
we've got a serious problem in here.
"Clutch pedal
sensor grounding short circuit."
What, you've got no clutch at all?
No.
It's paralysed.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] In desperation, I called Ben,
the local Lambo mechanic.
Good evening, sir.
[Jeremy] Ben quickly discovered
it wouldn't be a simple fix.
- [Ben] It's definitely the sensor's gone.
- [Jeremy] Well, we Yeah.
[Jeremy] But when he heard
about the urgency,
he did what farming people do:
cancelled his plans
for the evening to help out.
[Ben] I'm gonna rob, pillage and raid
another tractor in someone's yard
to get you up and running.
I can't thank you enough.
[Ben] We will get you up and running
in one way, shape or form.
[Jeremy] Overnight,
he dragged the tractor back to the yard
and tried everything
to get it going again.
[Ben sighing]
[Ben] So, I'm having
to go through and check every plug,
every wire, every control unit
from basically here all the way down
via the gearbox
back up to everything up in this corner.
- Oh shit, really?
- [Ben] Yeah, yeah.
So I know this is an impossible question
to answer but I'm gonna ask it anyway.
When do you think it will be mended?
If you got it back today,
it would be some form of a miracle,
'cause I've gotta
take half the cab apart, yes.
Okay.
[Jeremy] In the end, though,
it didn't matter anyway.
- That is Yeah, that's
- [Kaleb] Amazing.
That is
- [Kaleb] It's wet rain as well.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[rain drumming]
I'll go pack my bag.
- No point hanging around, is there?
- No.
- Not gonna get any harvesting done.
- Get over there and get comfortable.
[Jeremy] So
- [Jeremy] Barley.
- Yeah.
And, er, I'll see you on the flip side.
Don't worry about anything here,
all right?
- Look after yourself.
- Will.
Lisa, look after him.
No, she's back. She's gotta grain cart.
- I know, but driving him up there.
- I
I'll be back tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- [Kaleb] You need anything, let me know.
Well no, I'll be in
at 6 in the morning, I'm in.
[Kaleb] Yeah,
we can do Facetime if you want.
I'll put you on the
front of the tractor.
[Kaleb laughing]
- [Jeremy] Okay.
- Yeah? All right, look after yourself.
- [Jeremy] See you.
- [Kaleb] See you later.
- See y'all.
- Thanks, K.
See you everyone.
[soft music]
[birds chirping]
- [Kaleb] All right. Off the clutch.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
Always at a moving speed
where it's just creeping at 2 K.
- Little turns like this.
- Yeah.
[Kaleb] 'Cause the second that you don't
do it quickly you jackknife.
The trailer's got a mind of its own.
What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna
counter what he wants to do.
[Lisa] Yeah, okay.
[soft music continues]
- [Kaleb] All right?
- [Lisa] Okay.
[Kaleb] You've got this.
So, I want to go in there.
Here we go, I'm
And we go back
That way.
[banging]
I've knife-jacked.
Okay, wheels are going that way.
[Kaleb] That's it. That's it!
Straighten your wheel up now.
Straighten your wheel up.
Too much.
[banging]
[Lisa sighing]
[Lisa] Come on, we can do this. Er
That's it. Now straighten your wheel up.
Straighten your wheel up, Lisa.
- [banging]
- [Lisa] What?
Come on.
Get your fuckin' act together, Hogan.
I can see that she's got it.
As she starts now, look for example,
she's nailed this bent.
It's the last little bit.
As soon as she gets near this barn,
she goes into panic mode
and go, "I don't wanna hit the barn."
Holy fuck.
[Kaleb] That's it!
That's it!
Yes!
She smashed it!
[soft orchestral music]
- Great view from up here, isn't it?
- Yeah.
[music continues]
There is Kaleb
in his combine harvester.
And then, I am going
to get all the grain in there
and I'm gonna bring it back to the barn.
[Lisa] Oh, the light's on!
[Kaleb over the radio]
Are you ready, Lisa?
[Lisa] I'll be with you in two secs.
[banging]
[Lisa] Shit. Okay, the brakes are on.
[Charlie] If you can try and line up
under the straw row, Lisa.
[Kaleb over the radio]
We'll be doing it on the move.
[Lisa over the radio] Are you sure?
- On the move?
- Yeah.
Yes.
[orchestral music intensifies]
[Lisa] Okay, I can do this.
Keep that trailer fully underneath
that spout, I'll do the rest, all right?
[Kaleb over the radio]
Just stay there like that. That's it.
Well done, Lisa!
[Kaleb over the radio]
Yeah, look at that! Look at you!
[Lisa laughing]
I did it!
[orchestral music intensifies]
[Lisa] Are you turning?
Yes, you're turning!
That is barley in the barn!
I'm so happy!
[folk music]
[Lisa] So, last load.
[Lisa over the radio]
An honest day's work is done.
[Kaleb over the radio]
Yeah, catch you tomorrow. Thank you.
[folk music continues]
[banging]
[Lisa] Oh, my God!
[Kaleb] I'm full, Lisa.
- Where are you?
- [car hooting]
[tractor beeping]
What's your problem?
[car hooting]
Yeah, fucking broken down, yeah,
in a Lambo, of course I have, yeah.
Come by, yeah.
[folk music continues]
[Lisa over the radio]
Kaleb, we are truckin'. Second works.
[Kaleb over the radio] Last strip, Lisa.
[Lisa] Yay!
That's it for the spring barley!
[Kaleb] Well done, you've done great.
[Kaleb] Lisa's doing amazing,
don't get me wrong.
But I'm missing Jeremy's voice
over the radio.
It's gonna sound really soppy
and everything.
I don't miss his skill.
I miss him as a friend being here,
doing this together.
This is our thing.
["The Weight" by The Band]
[Kaleb] Go! Go on then.
[Dilwyn] Come here, come on kids.
Away you go.
I pulled in to Nazareth,
was feeling 'bout half past dead ♪
[Kaleb] No, no, wait, wait!
Someplace where I can lay my head ♪
"Hey, mister, can you tell me
where a man might find a bed?" ♪
Goats, goats, goats. Yes!
Come on, boys.
[Lisa] Let's go, let's go.
Take a load off, Fanny ♪
Take a load for free ♪
The first of Diddly Squat Farm's
new apple trees.
And you put the load right on me ♪
[Charlie] So this is the first field
that we used the Agbot on,
and where we put fewer seeds in.
Because they weren't competing
with each other,
they actually have ended up
the highest yielding part of the field.
Like if you have a hundred puppies
from one dog,
they're all gonna get less milk.
Whereas if you only have ten puppies,
they're gonna get better milk.
What the fuck's going on?
Why are we talking puppies?
I picked up my bag,
I went looking for a place to hide ♪
When I saw Carmen and the Devil
walking side-by-side ♪
[Charlie] All this has gotta go.
So we can then put
the durum wheat in here,
'cause we've had to isolate the cows
that have got suspected TB
where we'd normally put the durum wheat.
"I gotta go,
but my friend can stick around" ♪
[Kaleb] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[Kaleb shouting]
[Kaleb] Oh, my God!
Take a load off, Fanny ♪
[Lisa] Richard. Richard Ham.
[Lisa] Good man, James Boar.
[Lisa] Oh, now you messed up.
[donkey braying]
[Kaleb] Can you ride a donkey?
[Lisa] Course you can,
that's what they're made for.
[Kaleb] I thought they were made
for putting stuff on.
[Lisa] Have you never seen
Mary and Jesus?
Mary was on the donkey.
[Kaleb] Yeah, well, she's lazy.
Take a load off, Fanny
Take a load for free ♪
[Kaleb] The sheep are like,
"What are those?"
The donkeys are like, "What are those?"
[Kaleb laughing]
[Lisa] Er, sheep, stop it!
No!
[Kaleb laughing]
You put the load right on me ♪
["The Weight" by The Band
continues playing]
[Jeremy over the radio] Kaleb?
Jeremy?
[Jeremy over the radio] I have returned!
[Kaleb] You're back!
I can see you!
I have returned.
Ooh. I am back. That was bloody painful.
[Kaleb] Look at you bounce along!
Ooh
My anus
[Jeremy] I'm back.
- [Kaleb] How are you feeling?
- Good.
- [Kaleb] Yeah?
- Strong, yeah, no, strong.
How'd it all go, all right?
I won't know
whether it's worked or not for
till November probably.
Oh, okay. What, have you just gotta do
like general blood tests?
Yeah, they do blood tests and things.
Um, you know, the prostate,
10% of it is dead.
- Oh, okay.
- The 10% with the cancer in it.
- What does that mean then?
- They use, like, it's ultrasound, so
Have you ever got a magnifying glass
on a piece of paper on a sunny day?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you can make that little spot.
Or do it like someone sunbathing,
do it there, just for fun.
Yeah, well I wouldn't do that,
but I'm not a young farmer.
Anyway, they do that,
but with sound waves.
So they get sound waves
and then direct them onto the cancer
and blitz it.
The only problem I've got,
- you know where the prostate is?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine standing up like this.
And I'm fine sitting
in like an armchair.
But if you're in a chair
that's doing this.
[Kaleb laughing]
Is it a little bit touchy?
When you have a wee, in my condition,
it's accompanied by a high pitched,
keening squeal.
[Jeremy squealing]
- Does it hurt?
- Ooof, yes. Yeah.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
Have you ever had a catheter?
[Kaleb] Weirdly not.
- [Jeremy] Don't do it, it's not nice.
- I got circumcised.
Yes, that's not the same thing.
[Kaleb] Oh
[Jeremy] As I was back
for the durum wheat harvest,
there was no need for Lisa
to grain cart any more,
but she loved it so much
she'd nicked one of Kaleb's tractors
and turned up for work as usual.
[Jeremy over the radio] Never done this
before. Both of us grain carting.
[Kaleb over the radio]
We are the A Team.
Jeremy coming back,
we're now the B Team.
[Jeremy chuckling]
[Jeremy] I've missed all this.
[tractor beeping]
This is well and truly shit.
[Jeremy over the radio] I mean, I
can see with my own eyes that it's shit.
What's the combine saying?
[Kaleb over the radio]
0.2 tonne a hectare.
- A fifth of a tonne a hectare?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Six or seven
is the average and we're getting 0.2.
Jesus Christ.
[Jeremy] It's gonna take him about a
year and a half to fill the combine up.
[tense folk music]
[Jeremy] After an eternity,
Kaleb was finally ready to offload.
[Kaleb over the radio] Lisa, where are
you? I'm about to be full in a minute.
[Lisa over the radio]
Amazing. Yeah, on my way.
[Lisa's engine starting and rumbling]
Erm
[Kaleb] Lisa, on the way
back down after this run here, yeah?
Roger that.
[Jeremy] Kaleb, erm
[clearing his throat]
I mean, I don't mind,
I'm just wondering why you selected Lisa
for this job and not me?
[Kaleb] 'Cause she's better at it
than you to be honest.
Is she?
[Kaleb] Lisa, let's go to channel 6
or something, and Jeremy can stay on 5.
[Lisa and Kaleb laughing]
[soft folk music]
[Kaleb] Well done, Lisa. Perfect again.
[Lisa] Oh, my God.
You are kidding. Is that it?
[Kaleb over the radio]
That was all of it. It's mad.
[Jeremy over the radio] Hey, hold on,
are we finished this field?
[Kaleb] Yeah, this field's done, mate.
[Jeremy] So I was completely redundant?
[Kaleb] Thank you for showing up,
though, it means a lot.
[Jeremy] Okay
[folk music continues]
[Jeremy] As we moved into
the next field
[grunting in pain]
[Kaleb speaking indistinctly
over the radio]
[Jeremy] A man arrived who I could now
share medical war stories with.
- [Jeremy] Ah, Gerald.
- [Gerald] Jeremy!
How are you? You all right now?
Yeah, I had the, um The op.
Yeah, grand.
And they're just fingers crossed
it's worked. You don't know yet.
I tell you what though. Catheter.
Oh, my God.
I'll tell you what.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Going on four to five years,
so I went to put
me hand down to pull it up.
I just It keeps on
"bing, bing, bing", didn't it?
Took all the skin right back.
Oh, my God.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
[both laughing]
Honestly, no, that was the worst.
[Kaleb over the radio]
70% full now, Lisa.
Roger that.
Do you got injections
to have in your bum,
and some there as well?
- Huh?
- They'll tell ya.
Have I?
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Hot cross buns, I call them.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Yeah.
[Kaleb over the radio]
Lisa, are you ready?
[Lisa over the radio]
Yeah, coming to get you.
Funny enough [speaking indistinctly]
[Jeremy] Hang on.
[Jeremy] Oh, bloody hell!
She's done it again.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] The Kaleb-and-Lisa stitch-up
carried on all day
despite my best efforts to break it.
I'm gonna drive alongside
Kaleb all the time
and then he's forced
to unload his seed into my trailer.
What are you gonna do about that, Lisa?
[chuckling]
[music continues]
Oh, hang on.
Sorry.
Jeremy wants a load!
Lisa's gonna block him off!
[Jeremy] Lisa, come on.
Come on, guys!
[Kaleb laughing]
[Jeremy] The following morning,
I was desperate to do some grain carting
but first of all, I had
to check on the animal hospital.
[Jeremy] Aw, you're back
lying down again.
Mind you, your head's up, that's good.
Come on,
you can fight off a bit of pneumonia.
I did.
Ooh, up you get.
That's good, that's good.
Aw, Endgame.
Oh, look. How are you today?
[Endgame exhaling]
Good bull. Good bull.
You're lucky being able to do that.
[Endgame mooing]
I can't do that. Not without squealing.
I'll see you in a bit.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Visit over,
I went to join Kaleb and Lisa
as they were harvesting
the very last field of 2025.
[rock music continues]
[Lisa] I'm arriving at the field now.
Where would you like me?
[Kaleb] Yeah, no,
I'm gonna want you on the east side.
Yeah, look, Lisa has queue-jumped again.
[phone ringing]
- [Taya over the phone] Hello.
- [Kaleb] Hello. Are you all right?
So you're definitely in labour now?
- [Taya] Yeah.
- All right.
How close are they then?
[Taya] Every five minutes.
How how close do you need 'em?
[Kaleb] Yeah, all right. Bye, bye-bye.
[Kaleb over the radio] Taya's in labour.
You're kidding.
[Kaleb] No.
Shit, you gotta go.
[Kaleb] No, not yet.
I'll finish this field quickly.
You did hear that.
[Jeremy] Jesus, mate, congratulations.
Can you believe it, he's gonna carry on
harvesting even though Taya's in labour.
Can you tell
it's the third child, not the first?
Can you tell he's a farmer
and not working for the council?
[Lisa laughing]
[Jeremy] Is she packed?
How's she getting to the hospital?
Well, they're only every five minutes
at the moment, the contractions,
so she's got a bit of time, so
[Jeremy] Who's with her?
[Kaleb] Er, no one.
[Jeremy chuckling]
[Jeremy] He does
sometimes get muddled up
between his partner and, like, cows.
"Oh, cows can manage."
Yeah, 'cause they don't have much
emotional intelligence
and they don't
remember things like this.
Girls do, in my experience.
[Jeremy] I'm calculating
half an hour to finish this off, mate.
[Kaleb] Yeah, I think so roughly yeah.
[Jeremy] Do you know what you're having?
[Kaleb] Yeah, a little boy.
Got a name?
[Kaleb] Yeah.
What is it, Jeremy?
[Kaleb] Definitely fucking not.
[folk music]
[Jeremy] Just under 30 minutes later,
the father-to-be was completing
his very last strip.
[Jeremy] There it is.
Wooh!
[Kaleb] Harvest 2025 complete!
And let us never, ever repeat it.
Very best of luck. Best of luck.
- [Kaleb] Thank you very much.
- Hit it.
You better get back.
We'll try and edit this bit out
where you ignored
the fact
that your girlfriend was in labour.
- I'll send you a picture.
- Give her my love. Yeah, do.
And a name.
Well, hopefully we can end
on a happy note with a new baby.
Haven't had very many happy moments
these last few weeks.
That might be one of them.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Although
the harvest was complete,
we obviously couldn't relax,
because there'd be
the results to go through
and the whole farm was still on lockdown
while we waited for a second test
on the cow with suspected TB.
However, there was a moment
I'd been looking forward to.
[bird chirping]
Because Hannah had spent
the last few weeks doing a survey
on Diddly Squat's bird population
and was now ready to share her findings.
[soft music continues]
It's a bit American.
- This is all a bit American.
- It is a bit American, isn't it?
I thought we were gonna be
sitting on the ground.
- Cheers.
- No, I'm too old for that shit.
So, you've done your bird survey.
I have. Do you wanna know?
Yes! I'm genuinely longing to know.
Okay, right. So these little circles
are all the singing species.
So you walk along all these hedges
and listen?
And every time I heard
a species that's singing,
I make a little note
and then carry on walking.
- Great tit, Chaffinch.
- Yeah.
Blackbird.
- [Jeremy] BT? Blue Tit? Robin.
- Yeah.
- Yellowhammer.
- Yellowhammer.
Wood Pigeon, Skylark.
Anyway, the point is:
an average farm with average birds
would have between 20 and 35 species.
And you have Dadada!
- Forty-five?
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] We've got 45 different birds?
- [Hannah] Yeah.
Bloody hell.
But that's not even the best bit.
- God, it gets better.
- Turn over the page.
Dadada!
This is the territory mapping of
the whole Corn Bunting population
on your farm, because I got
And you've never heard
a Corn Bunting before you got here?
No. I mean,
I've been crying about these birds.
These guys have lost between
83 and 86% of their whole population.
They're completely extinct in Ireland.
There are pockets of this country
that they're just gone from.
So this location
is quite a special little place.
And more than 10 Corn Buntings
is kind of trophy-winning area.
And we've got one, two, three
We've got five.
- No, you've got 19.
- We've got 19?
[Hannah] You've got 19. Whoop!
So this is
What you're saying is
this farm is top few percent for birds?
Yes, this is what's so exciting.
- [chuckling]
- So what are we missing?
I want to see a murmuration
of Starlings before I croak.
Okay look, I'll just go hi, Starlings.
Well, you know what I mean.
Whatever we can do
How long have we got before you croak?
I don't know.
Well, let me know,
because that's a long-term plan.
- Is it?
- On your death bed, finale of the show.
[Jeremy] Oh
Erm
Oh, can I show you the end thing?
I thought I would do one thing
where I linked a bird
to you, Kaleb, Charlie and Lisa,
for reasons, I've got reasons.
Go on then.
- [Jeremy] Have you drawn all this?
- I know, I'm really lame.
I'll do you last. Charlie looks
quite like a Grey Partridge.
He's got that kind of English gent thing
going on.
[Jeremy] He does.
He stands like a colonel.
- Yeah!
- When he's still, he looks like one.
And he's got a perfectly symmetrical
circular face
- like the Partridge.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[Hannah] Kaleb,
it's the hairstyle and he's blonde.
He's a bit of a king of the castle
of the farm.
Do you think Kaleb's a Yellowhammer?
Can't we just say a Gingerhammer?
Yeah, absolutely, you can change it.
Gingerhammer.
Lisa Kestrel.
Beautifully elegant,
doesn't take any shit.
[Jeremy] She is like a Kestrel.
- [Hannah] And then this one.
- Skylark.
[Hannah] National treasure and gobshite.
I can hear them everywhere
across the farm. They're so gobby.
[Jeremy chuckling]
Yeah. I quite like being a Skylark.
Not sure about
the "national treasure" bit.
Erm
- Oh, well.
- Anyway, thank you for that, Hannah.
That has genuinely made my heart sing.
Thanks for having me on your farm.
[birds chirping]
Right on cue.
They've just started singing.
- What? Who? What has?
- The Skylarks.
They're calling.
- They're saying, "Thank you, Jeremy!"
- [Hannah and Jeremy chuckling]
[Skylarks chirping]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Sadly, the elation I felt about
the birds of Diddly Squat was short-lived
because soon,
it was time for our pregnant cow
to have her second TB test
which would be carried out
by one of Dilwyn's associates,
Sam.
- Hi, Jeremy.
- Sam.
Erm, Dilwyn's still away, is he?
Dilwyn's away.
[Jeremy] Sam kicked off by reminding us
about our current TB stranglehold.
[Sam] If she goes today,
the rest of the herd will have
to be tested again in a month's time
and then probably again 60 days later.
So your farm
is under restrictions until that point.
Erm, I believe the test
is a bit haphazard.
For what reason?
- Have you got those tweezers on you?
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] So you get a lump,
this is what you do.
There's a lump on the cow's neck.
And you walk up to it
and you squeeze it, yeah?
And then it tells you
how big the lump is,
'cause there's a measuring bit here,
yeah?
But if you pull it
down hard or not hard,
you get a different reading.
And the cow's doing this
while you're trying to do it.
And then you just go, "Well, there's a-"
And there's only need be
a millimetre in it.
We have to lose a cow,
shut the whole farm down,
and that is how it's measured.
Takes a lot of practice.
Well, I still think
it's a bit haphazard.
[Jeremy] Nevertheless, this is the test
we were going to have to do.
[Jeremy] She's a very, very pretty cow.
And pregnant with twins.
[Sam] How far pregnant is she?
- [Sam] When is she due?
- [Jeremy] Erm, five months.
- [Lisa] When will we know?
- [Jeremy] In about one minute.
[Jeremy] Ooh, God streuth.
[gate rattling]
[Charlie] Good girl. Good girl.
I need to look at the chart.
[gate rattling]
So I've remeasured both lumps today,
on both, er, top and bottom.
[Jeremy] Is this last time?
[Sam] Yeah, the last time here is
7 mm, and 9 mm.
This time, it's 11 mm and 14 mm.
So I look at my chart
She is
She's IR again.
What?
- [Charlie sighing]
- What's that mean?
- Inconclusive again.
- [Sam] Sorry, inconclusive again.
- She stays in the barn?
- [Charlie] No.
No. That that
That means, er,
that she's gonna have to go,
'cause she's effectively
inconclusive twice.
- [Sam] Yeah.
- [Charlie] Is that absolute?
[Sam] Yeah, she's inconclusive twice
so she's treated
So she has to be slaughtered
even though she's inconclusive?
[Sam] Yeah, she's treated
as a reactor today.
- [Sam] The problem you've got
- [Jeremy] That is like
I don't understand any of these rules.
That seems to me like a hung jury.
You know, it's six and six
and then the judge goes,
"That's inconclusive,
so we're gonna execute you."
[Charlie] That is
[Jeremy] That's exactly
what's happening here.
[Lisa] Erm, can I ask you a question?
Can we keep her in here
until she has her calves
and will the calves have TB?
That's a good question.
Yeah, part of the reason I asked
how pregnant she was
If she was in the last month,
I think they give the option
of keeping her in calving down here,
but because
she's only five months pregnant,
they will take her,
er, for slaughter, yeah.
[Jeremy] Oh, f
- You'd hope
- What a year. What a year! Seriously.
Jesus Christ!
Why do people farm?
[scoffing]
Why?
All right. Thanks, Sam.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] The next morning I braced myself
for another moment I'd been dreading,
because Charlie now had the numbers in
for our drought-stricken harvest.
[Charlie] So,
that is what we were expecting.
- [Jeremy] £37,000.
- So that was the forecast.
But, erm, this doesn't factor in the cost
of leasing the AgBot or the RoboDroid
or installing this system, does it?
- Er, yes.
- Oh, it does?
[Charlie] That was how much
we thought we'd make from farming.
[Jeremy] £37,800,
you thought would be our
[Charlie] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Which would have been
quite a good year.
[Charlie] If you turn it over.
Yeah.
[Charlie] So the cost of farming
this year has been £5,152.
[Jeremy] That's one way of saying it.
"Jeremy, you've lost 5,152."
Yeah.
- And this is weather-related.
- Yeah.
So we got 30% less wheat than you were
expecting because of the drought.
We got nearly 40% less barley,
45% less durum than we budgeted.
So yields were down.
I mean, this is bloody dispiriting,
Charlie.
- Er Yeah.
- It is dispiriting.
I mean, it was pretty depressing
in year 1,
when we made a profit of £144,
but here we are in year 6
and we're losing £5,000.
Yeah.
And we did it so bloody well this year.
Yeah, I mean, that's
the really galling thing. You know
[Jeremy] I know. All of this,
all of the technology that we employed.
[Charlie] Exactly.
The crops went in really well.
[Jeremy] With the precision drilling,
the precision muck spreading,
knowing where our good soil is,
where our bad soil is.
Nutrition just right.
I mean, everything was bob on.
- Yeah.
- So even when you do everything
- Yeah.
- Right,
and you employ
all the best, latest technology,
- you lose £5,000.
- Yeah.
Yeah, just simply because
it doesn't rain for 15 weeks.
I mean,
I'm now going to have to give you
70,000 of my own pounds
to pay for the seed
and the fertiliser for next year
Yeah.
And the weather might come
and ruin it all anyway.
I'm betting £70,000
that the weather's nice next year.
I actually need 75, 'cause we lost 5.
All right, Charlie,
thank you for dropping round
with your usual cheerful news.
[Charlie] Hmm
I actually thought we'd break even.
I didn't think we'd lose.
Well
Look on the bright side:
we don't have
to give Rachel Reeves any of our money.
[clicking his tongue]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Normally,
a poor harvest result draws a line
under the bad news for the year
but not this time,
because we still had to watch
our pregnant TB cow
go off to slaughter.
- That's when she was just born!
- Yeah, that was when she was just born.
That was our first she is our first
ever cow and I remember taking a picture.
- God, she's bonny, isn't she?
- Yeah.
She's just gloriously
Diddly Squat's first ever calf.
- And I think we called her Poppy.
- [Kaleb] We did.
[lorry stopping]
[Kaleb snapping his fingers]
[Kaleb] Good girl. Steady. Now steady.
[banging]
[engine starting]
[Jeremy] I can't get my head round it.
I think the system is wrong.
With Covid,
they developed a vaccine in, what,
12 months after it was first identified?
Bovine TB's been around for centuries
and they haven't invented anything yet.
I don't believe it.
You know, if you're a beef
or a dairy farmer, you're 65 years old,
you've grown up with bovine TB,
you get it and then it goes
and it comes and it goes
and you kind of get used to it.
But I'm new to this.
I'm new to it, you know.
- It's a shit feeling.
- No, it's not that it's a shit feeling.
I'm actually pissed off,
'cause I don't accept this.
I don't accept
that the testing is sensible
and I don't believe
that this slaughtering is the answer.
And I don't believe
that science cannot work out
how to vaccinate cows.
- I don't believe any of that.
- Surely as well
- 'Cause I'm new
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, everybody, you,
even you at your age, and you,
and every beef
and dairy farmer I've talked to goes,
"Well, you know, it's just one
of those facts of farming life."
And I'm standing here
as a new boy going, "how can it be?"
How can it be?
- [soft music]
- [birds chirping]
[Jeremy] The woes
of the isolation pen still weren't over,
because despite all the medication,
our sickly calf
wasn't getting any better.
And this meant we had
to call out yet another vet,
Charlotte.
[Charlotte] She's not doing
very well today.
You can already see,
her ears are down and her breathing's up
and she's been coughing and
[Lisa] Do you think
she was born with something then?
Because we've tried everything
and we've done everything that we can.
[Charlotte] It sounds like it's been
a bit of a failure-of-passage transfer,
which basically means that
So humans get all their protein,
the antibodies which develops
the immune system, from the uterus,
whereas in cows they get it only from
the colostrum which is the first milk.
So I think
she's had a bit of a tough start.
So the other calves
took all her colostrum?
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] By the time she learned
or was strong enough to get up there,
- there wasn't any.
- [Charlotte] She completely missed it.
- Shit.
- [Charlotte] So that means
that any bug that she's exposed to,
she won't develop
any form of immunity to.
Despite throwing everything at
her with antibiotics and pain killers,
she won't fight it.
So what do we do next?
Honestly, I think we need to be kind
and put her out of her misery
and elect to euthanase.
I'm really sorry.
How does one go about,
as you say, euthanasing?
[Charlotte] So effectively,
it's an overdose of a sedative,
so it slows her breathing and slows
her heart rate and eventually it stops.
But how's she going
to react, the mother?
It depends.
Some think it's good for them
to see them go so they know it's final.
[Jeremy] Come on, sweetheart.
[Charlotte] Hello, my love.
Good girl.
Good girl. That's it.
It's okay. It's all right. You're okay.
[Jeremy whispering] Poor little thing.
[Charlotte] Come on, my love.
I know. That's it.
- Good girl.
- [Jeremy] How do I hold her head?
[Charlotte] That's perfect.
I'm gonna pop her ear out of the way.
Are you ready?
[Jeremy] Well, yeah
- [Charlotte] Aw
- [Jeremy] Oh, dear.
[Charlotte] All right. Such a good girl.
I'm gonna flip her to the other side
so we can go in that other vein.
[Jeremy grunting]
[Charlotte] Good girl.
She's gone.
- She's gone?
- Yeah.
[Charlotte] Well done, mum.
[Charlotte] Well done, guys.
That's never easy.
- [Jeremy] Thanks, Charlotte.
- You're welcome.
- [Lisa] Thanks.
- [Charlotte] Take care.
[Jeremy sighing]
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] Despite it feeling
like there was nothing to celebrate,
the Diddly Squat gang met up
in a field called the Big Quiet
for our traditional end-of-year picnic
[soft folk music continues]
This time lunching on all-British pizzas
we were now making at the pub.
[Charlie] Here we go,
have some pizza, Gerald.
[Lisa] Who'd like some more meatball?
And after we'd finished eating,
we got to talking
about our 'annus horribilis'.
So we started the year
and I had coronary heart disease.
Ended it with me with cancer.
And then, in between,
we had Rachel Reeves.
And then we had a drought,
dismal yields.
And now, we've got TB.
So I don't know the result
on the TB then.
So what is the result?
The one with twin calves?
- [Jeremy] The one with twins.
- Oh no.
You Honestly, everything,
Gerald, the whole year.
You know it's the first year
we've made an actual loss on the farm?
- Is it?
- [Charlie and Jeremy] Yeah.
But, we can dwell as much as we like
on all the bad things
that have happened on the farm,
I think it's probably better now,
at the end of another year,
to focus on things
that have happened that have been good.
[Jeremy] Erm
Puppies.
- [Jeremy] Puppies were good.
- Yeah.
- [Charlie] She did have a lot of puppies.
- She did well.
- [Charlie] She did brilliantly.
- [Lisa] Kaleb had a baby.
Another baby.
Is that good?
[Jeremy laughing] Maybe!
I'm gonna throw in the EasyCare sheep.
[Kaleb] That was a good Yeah, no.
[Jeremy] You have even bought some.
- You, having said
- [Kaleb] I got 30.
- "Oh, fucking sheep, I hate sheep."
- [Kaleb] No, I do hate sheep,
I think they're fucking awful,
but EasyCare sheep are amazing.
- Yeah.
- [Charlie] EasyCare's lambs are
- They're cracking.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, really good.
No, no, that was good.
The underground mapping:
really, really useful, we think.
And if we get a year
with some rain and some sunshine
as opposed to one or the other,
we'll be able to make
some meaningful conclusions.
So that was good.
The AgBot was good.
- Was it?
- Yeah. I know you didn't like it.
- [Charlie] I'm a fan.
- [Lisa laughing] Yeah.
[Jeremy] So here we are,
we're finding lots of good things.
Is there anything else?
[Kaleb] When will we know?
- [Jeremy] What?
- If the treatment's worked.
I don't know,
I've got a blood test today.
There'll be a blood test
and then we'll know.
Not for another few weeks.
Come on, cheer up. Probably did work.
[Lisa laughing] Don't stare at me!
I was in a bad way when you went away.
No, I just thought,
"where am I gonna send my invoice to?"
- Exactly.
- [all laughing]
[phone ringing]
[Kaleb laughing]
[phone ringing]
[Gerald] Hello?
[phone continues ringing]
No, it wouldn't even go off.
It wouldn't even go off!
How to switch it on silent, Gerald?
- [Lisa laughing]
- It won't even switch off.
- [phone ringing]
- Should we call it a wrap.
- [phone continues ringing]
- [Jeremy] Technology.
- [phone continues ringing]
- Fuckin' hell.
[all laughing]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] I have to be honest,
we did wrap the programme at this point,
but the following morning,
we called all the film crews back
because Charlie said he had some news.
I've had a letter.
So post-mortem on the cow.
Yeah.
What am I looking for?
There's a little box.
There are three words. Exactly.
[Jeremy] "Non-visible lesions."
Yeah. So
So it didn't have TB.
I then spoke to the vet,
er, who works for the APHA,
Defra basically.
And she said, "Yeah,
we've taken samples,
but nothing has conclusively said
that she's got TB."
So they've killed
my pregnant cow for no reason.
I mean,
I'd heard about this from farmers.
They all Well, not all,
but a lot of them have said
"There are cows that are being killed,
they haven't got TB,"
and that's happened to us.
You know that expression
"your blood's boiling"? Mine is.
[Jeremy clearing his throat]
It's just, you know
It does feel wasteful today, doesn't it?
- But
- Does that mean
Well, that means there's no
TB on the farm, so we're free.
No. We're still closed, er
We're still in the process,
we're still in the procedure.
They've killed my cow, my pregnant cow,
they've looked in the pregnant cow,
seen that it's got no TB,
so instead of writing to us saying,
"Okay, you're free to carry on,"
they're now saying
we can't, we're still
- We have to do
- Locked down.
Yeah, within 60 days,
we've got another test.
- And it
- Who is running Defra?
What is the matter with them?
Well
[sighing]
Things can't get worse.
[siren blaring]
So we started season 5
with me in a hospital bed,
and here we are at the end of season 5
and I'm back in a hospital bed.
Some of the treatment's gone
a bit awry, let's say.
So I'm gonna be here for a little while.
[sighing]
[Lisa] Are you nil by mouth?
Oh you are, I can see the sign.
I'm nil by mouth, yeah.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
But look, what I
wanted to say was, um
if this is all successful,
I'll see you in for season 6.
And if it isn't, I won't.
[Jeremy laughing]
Take care everyone.
["Always Look On the Brightside of Life"
by Monty Python starts playing]
Always look
on the bright side of life ♪
Always look on
the light side of life ♪
If life seems jolly rotten,
there's something you've forgotten ♪
And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing ♪
When you're feeling in the dumps,
don't be silly, chumps ♪
Just purse your lips and whistle,
that's the thing ♪
And always look
on the bright side of life ♪
Come on! ♪
Always look
on the bright side of life ♪
For life is quite absurd,
and death's the final word ♪
You must
always face the curtain with a bow ♪
Forget about your sin,
give the audience a grin ♪
Enjoy it,
it's your last chance anyhow ♪
So always look
on the bright side of death ♪
Just before you draw
your terminal breath ♪
Life's a piece of shit
when you look at it ♪
Life's a laugh
and death's a joke, it's true ♪
You'll see it's all a show,
keep 'em laughing as you go ♪
Just remember
that the last laugh is on you ♪
And always look
on the bright side of life ♪
Always look on
the right side of life ♪
Come on guys, cheer up ♪
Always look
on the bright side of life ♪
Always look on
the right side of life ♪
Worse things happen
at sea, you know? ♪
Always look
on the bright side of life ♪
I mean, what have you got to lose,
you know? ♪
You come from nothing,
you're going back to nothing ♪
What have you lost? Nothing! ♪
Always look on
the right side of life ♪
Nothing will come from nothing,
you know what they say? ♪
Cheer up, you old bugger! ♪
Come on, give us a grin!
There you are! See? ♪
[music fading out]
[tractor beeping]
[birds chirping]
[tractor continues beeping]
- [Kaleb] I'm gonna get a bed of straw.
- I've hooked up the trailer to the Range.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
- So we can go down in that.
[tractor beeping]
[Jeremy] Having prepped the barn
for the harvest,
we were now hurriedly converting it
into a TB-isolation unit
for the cow that hadn't passed the test.
Come on, you.
I'm afraid it's not good news for you.
[Jeremy] She's been separated from her
calf down there, she's really distressed.
²She's pregnant with twins.
Shouldn't we get
the calf in here as well?
[Kaleb] No, because remember
what Dilwyn said?
If the calf comes in,
the calf will have to go as well.
[Jeremy] Is that calf gonna be
crying tonight? Or will she be crying?
- [Kaleb] Yeah, one of them will be.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] Well, just,
isn't it a terrible disease?
[Kaleb] It's just sad that a cow
should never be on its own.
- [Jeremy] I know.
- A cow is a herd animal.
[engine whirring]
[Lisa] I'm so sorry.
[Jeremy] Cow.
[Jeremy] And there she is.
We'd got so relaxed about it hadn't we?
'Cause we'd been fine for so many years.
[Jeremy] I know,
ten tests we've done now.
And now I can't
bear it. Such a shock.
[cow mooing]
Oh, man
Aw
[Jeremy] We then went to fetch Endgame,
because given how important he was,
we felt it best to isolate him
from the rest of the herd as well.
- [Kaleb] Farming's shit, innit?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[Jeremy] It's a sh
I don't like it today.
I mean, that's devastating
with that poor cow there,
cow number one, but Endgame, Jesus.
[Jeremy sighing]
I could not put him on a lorry,
I just couldn't do it.
[Jeremy chucking] Hello!
[Jeremy] Endgame having a
Oh no, Endgame's got his head
between the car and the trailer.
Endgame, you are not helping here.
- Endgame, move!
- [Endgame moos]
[Kaleb] Go on. [tongue clicking]
Load up. Good lad, go on then.
Go on. Go on then, lad.
[calf mooing]
[Kaleb] Hear that noise?
That's calf shouting for mummy.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[calf mooing]
[mooing]
[Jeremy] Come on, Endgame.
Back in solitary confinement I'm afraid.
[Lisa] He looks magnificent.
[mooing]
[Jeremy] Poor old Endgame.
[Jeremy chuckling]
- [Endgame mooing]
- Mate!
Some levity at the end of the day.
[Lisa] He's so beautiful.
[Jeremy] He is a beautiful animal.
- He'll be fine, he has to be.
- [Jeremy] He betta be, he betta be.
[Endgame mooing]
- [cow mooing]
- They're talking to each other, look.
[Lisa] I know.
At least, they have each other.
[cows mooing]
[mooing]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Our medical work wasn't done,
because the next day,
it became clear that the calf
with pneumonia was getting worse.
[Lisa] Can you try and stand up for me?
Come on now, try and stand up for me.
Aw, baby.
[mooing]
[Lisa] Aw, well done.
[soft music continues]
[Jeremy] Back at the yard,
we made a pneumonia isolation pen
for the little calf and her mum.
Oh, so heavy.
[Kaleb grunting]
[Kaleb sighing] There we go.
She's breathing like she's got
fluid on her lungs I think.
- [Kaleb] The best thing is
- [Lisa] So is that pneumonia?
[Kaleb] Yeah, that's the pneumonia.
[Lisa] Yeah,
I just hope it's not too late.
Aw
I would say that is not a well calf.
[Kaleb] We've got to keep feeding her
for the next couple of days.
And hopefully she'll get her strength
back as the antibiotics kick in.
And then, as she gets her strength back,
she will start feeding
off her mum again.
[Jeremy] Ogh, Christ Almighty.
[Jeremy] Hoping that would be
the last time we needed to build a pen,
we tidied away the rest of the fencing.
[Jeremy] That's all we've done
for two days is build cattle pens.
I just want to get our harvest in.
[Kaleb] Whoa. Move out a bit.
- [Jeremy] Oh!
- [Kaleb] Stop!
[Jeremy] I'm going to the fucking pub.
[door opening]
[Jeremy] That is the last straw.
[soft chattering]
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] After all the trauma
we'd been through,
I finally got some good news.
[music intensifies]
We could start harvesting
before I went off to hospital
and we'd begin with the oats.
It's slightly weird
doing it without Simon,
but exciting to be doing it with Kaleb.
[Jeremy] And especially exciting
because Kaleb had bought himself
a combine harvester.
[dramatic music continues]
Here we go!
The mighty Lamborghini
pressed into service once again.
No beeping or the nonsense
we got from the green one.
Look at that for one snazzy trailer.
You don't realise how big they are
until you sit in one
and you drive one
down a road and you go,
oh yeah, I actually am bigger
than the road nearly.
- [car hooting]
- [Kaleb] Shit!
That'll be tight.
Oh, God
[Kaleb] Sorry!
[car hooting]
[Kaleb] Maybe I should have gone
the other way.
[Jeremy] At the oats field, I got
my first sight of Kaleb's leviathan.
[Jeremy] Holy cow, look at that.
That is a whopping combine.
How much wider
is that header than Simon's?
- Eight foot wider.
- [Jeremy] Eight foot?
His was a 22 and that's a 30.
[Jeremy] So you should have this done
in two hours?
[Kaleb] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] And it was only 35 grand?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
'Cause a new combine is what?
- [Kaleb] Like half a million up.
- Half a million, yeah.
[Jeremy] I can't believe
how cheap that was.
[Jeremy] But then when he started it up,
all became clear.
[beeping]
[clanking]
[rattling]
[banging]
It's quite wobbly.
[Kaleb] Yeah,
it has some vibration on it.
[Jeremy] Here we go, Kaleb Cooper
is harvesting Diddly Squat Farm
for the first time.
I'm gonna have to Up
It comes up.
I think I'm gonna have
to chuck that out a little bit.
[Jeremy] Finally.
Is it actually doing any harvesting?
[Kaleb] No.
[Jeremy] You're definitely just
bending the oats over
and then
they're just coming back up again.
[Kaleb] I think it's so short
I'm really struggling to get it.
- [Jeremy] It's like combining a lawn.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
I'm gonna have to try
to adjust the header lower.
[clanking]
[Jeremy] Yeah, that's better.
That's now cutting it.
- [Kaleb] Is it?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
Hey, your first field at Diddly Squat
and we've given you a difficult one.
It is a hard one!
[banging]
What was that? That's a stone.
Did you hear that?
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[Kaleb] 'Cause I'm having to go so low,
I think we're gonna have
to just risk it this year
and potentially take the odd stone in.
Because if I go any higher,
I'm gonna miss all of the grain.
[banging]
Yeah, you're harvesting rocks now.
[folk music]
[Jeremy] Fortunately, some oats
were being harvested as well.
And eventually, it was time
to fire up the Lambo
and start grain carting.
[folk music continues]
Ooh, hello, he's doing it. I betta be
Sorry, I didn't know
he was actually gonna do that.
[Jeremy] Oh, for God's sake, Kaleb!
You're What are you doing?
[Kaleb over radio] What are you doing?
We can't afford spillages like that
this year.
[upbeat folk music]
- [banging]
- [Kaleb] Shitting hell.
[Kaleb over the radio]
This is really hard.
I'm struggling to cut this.
It's so fucking short.
I know it is.
[banging]
[whirring]
[Kaleb] It's making a horrible noise,
I don't know what it is.
Could you come and see
if you can hear this noise?
[whirring]
Ah, it's these.
[Jeremy] I know what it is.
Practical, genuinely, it's these things.
That one's not affected, then you
can see where it's rubbing here.
[Kaleb] Oh, fuck me, yeah.
[Jeremy] I think what's happened is,
- you know you've been running really low?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] I reckon you hit the earth
with it and you've broken it.
Ow! Shitting hell!
Fucking hell, that's hot.
Don't. Whatever you do, don't touch that
because they're gonna melt.
- [Kaleb] I need some tools.
- [Jeremy] All right.
Well, I think it's going very smoothly.
We've got half a trailer load
and it's five past twelve.
[Jeremy scoffing]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] It was an hour before
Kaleb's budget combine got going again.
[Jeremy] I thought we'd start this field
at 8, 8:30, this morning,
and have it done by 11.
Oh, well.
It's not like we're fighting moisture.
- [raindrops tapping]
- [Jeremy] Hold on a minute.
[tapping continues]
Maybe we are.
That can't be rain.
[scoffing] It is.
Shit! I cannot believe it.
Look at
That's rain, innit? It's gonna rain.
[Jeremy] For the first time
since fucking February,
the day we start harvesting.
[Kaleb] What the fuck?
[Jeremy] It honestly beggars belief.
I'd say that was already
I shall look on the CCTV of the pub.
Is it raining at the pub?
Which is nine miles in that direction.
Oh, look at that. Holy shit!
See that?
[tense music]
That's what's coming here.
We've had it, mate.
We need to get what we've got
in the trailer into the dry.
Shall we just load up
with what you've got?
[Kaleb] Yeah, I think so.
Fuck it, we're not gonna pay
drying charges this year.
That would be ridiculous.
Do not want heavy downpour on it.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Tell me when you're empty.
All yours, mate. Go for it.
[Jeremy] Here comes the rain.
Yeah, I can't even see the other side
of the valley now.
Bloody hell.
[tense music continues]
Shit!
It's really coming down now.
Come on, come on.
[tyres screeching]
[Jeremy] Oh, no!
That's never gonna work.
Fucking hell.
Not now, not now, not now.
No! No! No!
I'm in such a panic
I can't do it any more.
[sighing]
Finally.
[clanking]
[Jeremy] Mercifully,
the rain eventually stopped.
[soft orchestral music]
[Jeremy] And after three hours
of warm sunshine
[grain cracking]
13.6!
[Kaleb] Let's go, go, go!
[Jeremy] We got going again.
[soft orchestral music continues]
And soon,
we were in a perfect
golden hour harvesting groove.
I've got a deer in front of me.
Come on, little one, move.
Now I'm back with a smile on my face.
[Jeremy] Sun's out,
combine's working properly now.
[Kaleb over the radio] Now,
we're farming.
Whoa. Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly.
Ooh, that's right at the back.
Not bad.
[Kaleb] See you concentrating.
[Kaleb laughing over the radio]
[Kaleb sighing]
You're spilling some!
You're spilling it!
You're spilling it!
I was too busy calling him a wanker.
[Jeremy] Beautifully done, Jeremy.
Beautifully done, I think.
Are you watching that, Piastri?
Just saying.
I was just thinking, though,
now we're alone,
that if I hadn't have got myself
checked out,
and they hadn't caught
the problem early,
this could well have been
my last harvest.
It's only because they did
catch it early there's every hope
I'll be harvesting this farm
for many, many years to come.
[Kaleb] Mate, I wanna thank you.
This is like a dream.
Ever since I was a boy,
this is a dream come true.
Especially when I started here,
10 years ago, believe it or not,
and this is my first year being sat
in the combine doing the work.
It is It's an honour, but absolute
I'm buzzing.
I love that.
I mean, I'm buzzing 'cause it's my farm.
He's buzzing 'cause he's
in his own combine for the first time.
Everybody's buzzing at Diddly tonight.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] As the sun began to set,
there was some welcome news from Kaleb.
[Kaleb] Well, that's the oats done.
[Jeremy] Finished.
And finished well.
[Jeremy over the radio]
I'll see you tomorrow, mate.
[Kaleb] Yeah, catch you tomorrow.
Thank you.
[Jeremy] No, thank you. Enjoyable day.
Well, a fraught day,
but we did get it done.
[Jeremy] Thanks to the drought,
the oats yield was visibly smaller
than in previous years.
But it could have been worse.
It could have been the next crop
we harvested,
the mustard seed.
This is it.
[softly] Jesus wept.
[sighing]
I mean Just so that the ladies
and gentlemen understand.
We should have, you know, filled
this section, you know, with a good
How many acres is that field?
Five? Six?
Er, we only It was 2.4 hectares.
- So 5 acres.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
But we only combined half of it.
Which did you get,
the brown or the yellow?
- The far side.
- The far side, the brown.
- The yellow failed.
- Failed, yeah.
[Jeremy sighing]
[folk music]
[Jeremy] The next morning, I was told
that my cancer operation
would happen in six days.
[Jeremy] Come on.
[Jeremy] And I desperately wanted
to get both the winter wheat
and the spring barley
harvested before then.
- [thundering]
- [soft folk music]
But, sod's law,
it immediately started raining again.
Erm, we gotta get timings worked out
in all seriousness because
Yeah, the pressure's on.
Today's likely to be a write-off
'cause of the weather.
Yeah.
- Which leaves us with Wednesday
- Potentially tomorrow.
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
Sunday, I have to go down to London
'cause I'm in in the hospital
at 6:30 on Monday morning.
And I really want to try
and get it done by then.
And then you've got
Your third child is due?
Er, potentially the end of next week.
But she's always like seven days early.
Christ Almighty. So we've
That's all right. I mean,
as long as I'm there for the birth.
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] Incredibly,
after one of the driest
summers on record
and far too late to help the crops,
it then rained solidly
for the next three days.
[clicking]
This meant it was Saturday
before Kaleb could bring
his combine back to Diddly Squat,
and this time,
to hasten his passage through the town,
I provided an escort.
All those years he's given me stick
because my tractor is "too big"
and then he goes and buys a combine
bigger than a Nimitz-class
aircraft carrier.
[Jeremy over the radio] You're clear
to come through.
[Kaleb] I'm way.
[woman] At least, we're not the
only ones that block the roads up
Do you want bread and lager?
- [woman] Yep!
- You need a combine.
- [woman] 100 percent!
- [Jeremy chuckling]
[tense music]
[Jeremy] Thanks
to my "professional escort services",
we were soon at the farm
and gearing up to go.
[Jeremy] Weather: holding.
Tractor: working well.
Let's get some wheat in this trailer.
[whirring]
[Jeremy] I now had just a day and a half
to harvest the wheat and the barley
before going off to hospital.
[tense music]
But the hugeness of Kaleb's combine
meant it could harvest
extremely quickly.
[tense music continues]
That's a staggeringly full trailer.
Normally, with two combine loads,
albeit with a smaller combine,
it's sort of three-quarters full.
That's properly full.
[Jeremy] See you in a bit.
[Kaleb] Go!
You're gonna have to be really speedy
because I don't think
I'm gonna make it around again
without you being here.
[Jeremy] Okay.
So there can be no
shilly-shallying here,
no making a mistake.
- [crashing]
- Bloody hell.
That's knocked
the bloody door mirror back in.
[Jeremy] In.
Here it is.
Let's get this bloody mirror
back out again. Shit.
[pressing button]
Oh
I'm trapped in my own cab.
[Jeremy] Can someone
on the film crew come and pull this?
Just pull it back.
[Jeremy] Oh, that's not brilliant.
Well, that's it,
this is where I live now.
I live in the cab.
[Kaleb over the radio] Where are you?
[Kaleb] I'm ready. I'm full. Come on.
[Jeremy] Chris is going to have a go.
[clanking]
- [clanking]
- [Jeremy] Shit.
Yeah, that's probably overdone it.
["Tiger Feet" by Mud]
[Jeremy] Come on now,
let's not make a mess of this.
[Kaleb] Quick, quick, quick.
What's he doing?
[music continues]
[Jeremy] How in the corner is that!
And back we go!
[Kaleb] Go!
All night long,
you've been looking at me ♪
[Jeremy] For hours we powered on
And the going was smooth.
You've got your hips
swinging out of bounds ♪
And I like the way you do ♪
[Kaleb over the radio] Nicely done.
[Jeremy over the radio]
Totally professional.
That's right, that's right,
that's right, that's right ♪
I really love your tiger light ♪
That's neat, that's neat,
that's neat, that's neat ♪
I really love your tiger feet ♪
[Jeremy] Quarter to three, Saturday.
This time tomorrow,
I set off for London.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] Come the evening,
we were only two cartloads away
from finishing the wheat,
which meant that tomorrow morning,
with an early start and some luck,
we'd get the barley done as well.
[tractor beeping]
But then
[tractor beeping]
[Jeremy] "Clutch pedal short circuit.
The clutch pedal sensor,
engine power"
There's a short.
[beeping]
[Jeremy] Kaleb,
we've got a serious problem in here.
"Clutch pedal
sensor grounding short circuit."
What, you've got no clutch at all?
No.
It's paralysed.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] In desperation, I called Ben,
the local Lambo mechanic.
Good evening, sir.
[Jeremy] Ben quickly discovered
it wouldn't be a simple fix.
- [Ben] It's definitely the sensor's gone.
- [Jeremy] Well, we Yeah.
[Jeremy] But when he heard
about the urgency,
he did what farming people do:
cancelled his plans
for the evening to help out.
[Ben] I'm gonna rob, pillage and raid
another tractor in someone's yard
to get you up and running.
I can't thank you enough.
[Ben] We will get you up and running
in one way, shape or form.
[Jeremy] Overnight,
he dragged the tractor back to the yard
and tried everything
to get it going again.
[Ben sighing]
[Ben] So, I'm having
to go through and check every plug,
every wire, every control unit
from basically here all the way down
via the gearbox
back up to everything up in this corner.
- Oh shit, really?
- [Ben] Yeah, yeah.
So I know this is an impossible question
to answer but I'm gonna ask it anyway.
When do you think it will be mended?
If you got it back today,
it would be some form of a miracle,
'cause I've gotta
take half the cab apart, yes.
Okay.
[Jeremy] In the end, though,
it didn't matter anyway.
- That is Yeah, that's
- [Kaleb] Amazing.
That is
- [Kaleb] It's wet rain as well.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[rain drumming]
I'll go pack my bag.
- No point hanging around, is there?
- No.
- Not gonna get any harvesting done.
- Get over there and get comfortable.
[Jeremy] So
- [Jeremy] Barley.
- Yeah.
And, er, I'll see you on the flip side.
Don't worry about anything here,
all right?
- Look after yourself.
- Will.
Lisa, look after him.
No, she's back. She's gotta grain cart.
- I know, but driving him up there.
- I
I'll be back tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- [Kaleb] You need anything, let me know.
Well no, I'll be in
at 6 in the morning, I'm in.
[Kaleb] Yeah,
we can do Facetime if you want.
I'll put you on the
front of the tractor.
[Kaleb laughing]
- [Jeremy] Okay.
- Yeah? All right, look after yourself.
- [Jeremy] See you.
- [Kaleb] See you later.
- See y'all.
- Thanks, K.
See you everyone.
[soft music]
[birds chirping]
- [Kaleb] All right. Off the clutch.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
Always at a moving speed
where it's just creeping at 2 K.
- Little turns like this.
- Yeah.
[Kaleb] 'Cause the second that you don't
do it quickly you jackknife.
The trailer's got a mind of its own.
What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna
counter what he wants to do.
[Lisa] Yeah, okay.
[soft music continues]
- [Kaleb] All right?
- [Lisa] Okay.
[Kaleb] You've got this.
So, I want to go in there.
Here we go, I'm
And we go back
That way.
[banging]
I've knife-jacked.
Okay, wheels are going that way.
[Kaleb] That's it. That's it!
Straighten your wheel up now.
Straighten your wheel up.
Too much.
[banging]
[Lisa sighing]
[Lisa] Come on, we can do this. Er
That's it. Now straighten your wheel up.
Straighten your wheel up, Lisa.
- [banging]
- [Lisa] What?
Come on.
Get your fuckin' act together, Hogan.
I can see that she's got it.
As she starts now, look for example,
she's nailed this bent.
It's the last little bit.
As soon as she gets near this barn,
she goes into panic mode
and go, "I don't wanna hit the barn."
Holy fuck.
[Kaleb] That's it!
That's it!
Yes!
She smashed it!
[soft orchestral music]
- Great view from up here, isn't it?
- Yeah.
[music continues]
There is Kaleb
in his combine harvester.
And then, I am going
to get all the grain in there
and I'm gonna bring it back to the barn.
[Lisa] Oh, the light's on!
[Kaleb over the radio]
Are you ready, Lisa?
[Lisa] I'll be with you in two secs.
[banging]
[Lisa] Shit. Okay, the brakes are on.
[Charlie] If you can try and line up
under the straw row, Lisa.
[Kaleb over the radio]
We'll be doing it on the move.
[Lisa over the radio] Are you sure?
- On the move?
- Yeah.
Yes.
[orchestral music intensifies]
[Lisa] Okay, I can do this.
Keep that trailer fully underneath
that spout, I'll do the rest, all right?
[Kaleb over the radio]
Just stay there like that. That's it.
Well done, Lisa!
[Kaleb over the radio]
Yeah, look at that! Look at you!
[Lisa laughing]
I did it!
[orchestral music intensifies]
[Lisa] Are you turning?
Yes, you're turning!
That is barley in the barn!
I'm so happy!
[folk music]
[Lisa] So, last load.
[Lisa over the radio]
An honest day's work is done.
[Kaleb over the radio]
Yeah, catch you tomorrow. Thank you.
[folk music continues]
[banging]
[Lisa] Oh, my God!
[Kaleb] I'm full, Lisa.
- Where are you?
- [car hooting]
[tractor beeping]
What's your problem?
[car hooting]
Yeah, fucking broken down, yeah,
in a Lambo, of course I have, yeah.
Come by, yeah.
[folk music continues]
[Lisa over the radio]
Kaleb, we are truckin'. Second works.
[Kaleb over the radio] Last strip, Lisa.
[Lisa] Yay!
That's it for the spring barley!
[Kaleb] Well done, you've done great.
[Kaleb] Lisa's doing amazing,
don't get me wrong.
But I'm missing Jeremy's voice
over the radio.
It's gonna sound really soppy
and everything.
I don't miss his skill.
I miss him as a friend being here,
doing this together.
This is our thing.
["The Weight" by The Band]
[Kaleb] Go! Go on then.
[Dilwyn] Come here, come on kids.
Away you go.
I pulled in to Nazareth,
was feeling 'bout half past dead ♪
[Kaleb] No, no, wait, wait!
Someplace where I can lay my head ♪
"Hey, mister, can you tell me
where a man might find a bed?" ♪
Goats, goats, goats. Yes!
Come on, boys.
[Lisa] Let's go, let's go.
Take a load off, Fanny ♪
Take a load for free ♪
The first of Diddly Squat Farm's
new apple trees.
And you put the load right on me ♪
[Charlie] So this is the first field
that we used the Agbot on,
and where we put fewer seeds in.
Because they weren't competing
with each other,
they actually have ended up
the highest yielding part of the field.
Like if you have a hundred puppies
from one dog,
they're all gonna get less milk.
Whereas if you only have ten puppies,
they're gonna get better milk.
What the fuck's going on?
Why are we talking puppies?
I picked up my bag,
I went looking for a place to hide ♪
When I saw Carmen and the Devil
walking side-by-side ♪
[Charlie] All this has gotta go.
So we can then put
the durum wheat in here,
'cause we've had to isolate the cows
that have got suspected TB
where we'd normally put the durum wheat.
"I gotta go,
but my friend can stick around" ♪
[Kaleb] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[Kaleb shouting]
[Kaleb] Oh, my God!
Take a load off, Fanny ♪
[Lisa] Richard. Richard Ham.
[Lisa] Good man, James Boar.
[Lisa] Oh, now you messed up.
[donkey braying]
[Kaleb] Can you ride a donkey?
[Lisa] Course you can,
that's what they're made for.
[Kaleb] I thought they were made
for putting stuff on.
[Lisa] Have you never seen
Mary and Jesus?
Mary was on the donkey.
[Kaleb] Yeah, well, she's lazy.
Take a load off, Fanny
Take a load for free ♪
[Kaleb] The sheep are like,
"What are those?"
The donkeys are like, "What are those?"
[Kaleb laughing]
[Lisa] Er, sheep, stop it!
No!
[Kaleb laughing]
You put the load right on me ♪
["The Weight" by The Band
continues playing]
[Jeremy over the radio] Kaleb?
Jeremy?
[Jeremy over the radio] I have returned!
[Kaleb] You're back!
I can see you!
I have returned.
Ooh. I am back. That was bloody painful.
[Kaleb] Look at you bounce along!
Ooh
My anus
[Jeremy] I'm back.
- [Kaleb] How are you feeling?
- Good.
- [Kaleb] Yeah?
- Strong, yeah, no, strong.
How'd it all go, all right?
I won't know
whether it's worked or not for
till November probably.
Oh, okay. What, have you just gotta do
like general blood tests?
Yeah, they do blood tests and things.
Um, you know, the prostate,
10% of it is dead.
- Oh, okay.
- The 10% with the cancer in it.
- What does that mean then?
- They use, like, it's ultrasound, so
Have you ever got a magnifying glass
on a piece of paper on a sunny day?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you can make that little spot.
Or do it like someone sunbathing,
do it there, just for fun.
Yeah, well I wouldn't do that,
but I'm not a young farmer.
Anyway, they do that,
but with sound waves.
So they get sound waves
and then direct them onto the cancer
and blitz it.
The only problem I've got,
- you know where the prostate is?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine standing up like this.
And I'm fine sitting
in like an armchair.
But if you're in a chair
that's doing this.
[Kaleb laughing]
Is it a little bit touchy?
When you have a wee, in my condition,
it's accompanied by a high pitched,
keening squeal.
[Jeremy squealing]
- Does it hurt?
- Ooof, yes. Yeah.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
Have you ever had a catheter?
[Kaleb] Weirdly not.
- [Jeremy] Don't do it, it's not nice.
- I got circumcised.
Yes, that's not the same thing.
[Kaleb] Oh
[Jeremy] As I was back
for the durum wheat harvest,
there was no need for Lisa
to grain cart any more,
but she loved it so much
she'd nicked one of Kaleb's tractors
and turned up for work as usual.
[Jeremy over the radio] Never done this
before. Both of us grain carting.
[Kaleb over the radio]
We are the A Team.
Jeremy coming back,
we're now the B Team.
[Jeremy chuckling]
[Jeremy] I've missed all this.
[tractor beeping]
This is well and truly shit.
[Jeremy over the radio] I mean, I
can see with my own eyes that it's shit.
What's the combine saying?
[Kaleb over the radio]
0.2 tonne a hectare.
- A fifth of a tonne a hectare?
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Six or seven
is the average and we're getting 0.2.
Jesus Christ.
[Jeremy] It's gonna take him about a
year and a half to fill the combine up.
[tense folk music]
[Jeremy] After an eternity,
Kaleb was finally ready to offload.
[Kaleb over the radio] Lisa, where are
you? I'm about to be full in a minute.
[Lisa over the radio]
Amazing. Yeah, on my way.
[Lisa's engine starting and rumbling]
Erm
[Kaleb] Lisa, on the way
back down after this run here, yeah?
Roger that.
[Jeremy] Kaleb, erm
[clearing his throat]
I mean, I don't mind,
I'm just wondering why you selected Lisa
for this job and not me?
[Kaleb] 'Cause she's better at it
than you to be honest.
Is she?
[Kaleb] Lisa, let's go to channel 6
or something, and Jeremy can stay on 5.
[Lisa and Kaleb laughing]
[soft folk music]
[Kaleb] Well done, Lisa. Perfect again.
[Lisa] Oh, my God.
You are kidding. Is that it?
[Kaleb over the radio]
That was all of it. It's mad.
[Jeremy over the radio] Hey, hold on,
are we finished this field?
[Kaleb] Yeah, this field's done, mate.
[Jeremy] So I was completely redundant?
[Kaleb] Thank you for showing up,
though, it means a lot.
[Jeremy] Okay
[folk music continues]
[Jeremy] As we moved into
the next field
[grunting in pain]
[Kaleb speaking indistinctly
over the radio]
[Jeremy] A man arrived who I could now
share medical war stories with.
- [Jeremy] Ah, Gerald.
- [Gerald] Jeremy!
How are you? You all right now?
Yeah, I had the, um The op.
Yeah, grand.
And they're just fingers crossed
it's worked. You don't know yet.
I tell you what though. Catheter.
Oh, my God.
I'll tell you what.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Going on four to five years,
so I went to put
me hand down to pull it up.
I just It keeps on
"bing, bing, bing", didn't it?
Took all the skin right back.
Oh, my God.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
[both laughing]
Honestly, no, that was the worst.
[Kaleb over the radio]
70% full now, Lisa.
Roger that.
Do you got injections
to have in your bum,
and some there as well?
- Huh?
- They'll tell ya.
Have I?
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Hot cross buns, I call them.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Yeah.
[Kaleb over the radio]
Lisa, are you ready?
[Lisa over the radio]
Yeah, coming to get you.
Funny enough [speaking indistinctly]
[Jeremy] Hang on.
[Jeremy] Oh, bloody hell!
She's done it again.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] The Kaleb-and-Lisa stitch-up
carried on all day
despite my best efforts to break it.
I'm gonna drive alongside
Kaleb all the time
and then he's forced
to unload his seed into my trailer.
What are you gonna do about that, Lisa?
[chuckling]
[music continues]
Oh, hang on.
Sorry.
Jeremy wants a load!
Lisa's gonna block him off!
[Jeremy] Lisa, come on.
Come on, guys!
[Kaleb laughing]
[Jeremy] The following morning,
I was desperate to do some grain carting
but first of all, I had
to check on the animal hospital.
[Jeremy] Aw, you're back
lying down again.
Mind you, your head's up, that's good.
Come on,
you can fight off a bit of pneumonia.
I did.
Ooh, up you get.
That's good, that's good.
Aw, Endgame.
Oh, look. How are you today?
[Endgame exhaling]
Good bull. Good bull.
You're lucky being able to do that.
[Endgame mooing]
I can't do that. Not without squealing.
I'll see you in a bit.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Visit over,
I went to join Kaleb and Lisa
as they were harvesting
the very last field of 2025.
[rock music continues]
[Lisa] I'm arriving at the field now.
Where would you like me?
[Kaleb] Yeah, no,
I'm gonna want you on the east side.
Yeah, look, Lisa has queue-jumped again.
[phone ringing]
- [Taya over the phone] Hello.
- [Kaleb] Hello. Are you all right?
So you're definitely in labour now?
- [Taya] Yeah.
- All right.
How close are they then?
[Taya] Every five minutes.
How how close do you need 'em?
[Kaleb] Yeah, all right. Bye, bye-bye.
[Kaleb over the radio] Taya's in labour.
You're kidding.
[Kaleb] No.
Shit, you gotta go.
[Kaleb] No, not yet.
I'll finish this field quickly.
You did hear that.
[Jeremy] Jesus, mate, congratulations.
Can you believe it, he's gonna carry on
harvesting even though Taya's in labour.
Can you tell
it's the third child, not the first?
Can you tell he's a farmer
and not working for the council?
[Lisa laughing]
[Jeremy] Is she packed?
How's she getting to the hospital?
Well, they're only every five minutes
at the moment, the contractions,
so she's got a bit of time, so
[Jeremy] Who's with her?
[Kaleb] Er, no one.
[Jeremy chuckling]
[Jeremy] He does
sometimes get muddled up
between his partner and, like, cows.
"Oh, cows can manage."
Yeah, 'cause they don't have much
emotional intelligence
and they don't
remember things like this.
Girls do, in my experience.
[Jeremy] I'm calculating
half an hour to finish this off, mate.
[Kaleb] Yeah, I think so roughly yeah.
[Jeremy] Do you know what you're having?
[Kaleb] Yeah, a little boy.
Got a name?
[Kaleb] Yeah.
What is it, Jeremy?
[Kaleb] Definitely fucking not.
[folk music]
[Jeremy] Just under 30 minutes later,
the father-to-be was completing
his very last strip.
[Jeremy] There it is.
Wooh!
[Kaleb] Harvest 2025 complete!
And let us never, ever repeat it.
Very best of luck. Best of luck.
- [Kaleb] Thank you very much.
- Hit it.
You better get back.
We'll try and edit this bit out
where you ignored
the fact
that your girlfriend was in labour.
- I'll send you a picture.
- Give her my love. Yeah, do.
And a name.
Well, hopefully we can end
on a happy note with a new baby.
Haven't had very many happy moments
these last few weeks.
That might be one of them.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Although
the harvest was complete,
we obviously couldn't relax,
because there'd be
the results to go through
and the whole farm was still on lockdown
while we waited for a second test
on the cow with suspected TB.
However, there was a moment
I'd been looking forward to.
[bird chirping]
Because Hannah had spent
the last few weeks doing a survey
on Diddly Squat's bird population
and was now ready to share her findings.
[soft music continues]
It's a bit American.
- This is all a bit American.
- It is a bit American, isn't it?
I thought we were gonna be
sitting on the ground.
- Cheers.
- No, I'm too old for that shit.
So, you've done your bird survey.
I have. Do you wanna know?
Yes! I'm genuinely longing to know.
Okay, right. So these little circles
are all the singing species.
So you walk along all these hedges
and listen?
And every time I heard
a species that's singing,
I make a little note
and then carry on walking.
- Great tit, Chaffinch.
- Yeah.
Blackbird.
- [Jeremy] BT? Blue Tit? Robin.
- Yeah.
- Yellowhammer.
- Yellowhammer.
Wood Pigeon, Skylark.
Anyway, the point is:
an average farm with average birds
would have between 20 and 35 species.
And you have Dadada!
- Forty-five?
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] We've got 45 different birds?
- [Hannah] Yeah.
Bloody hell.
But that's not even the best bit.
- God, it gets better.
- Turn over the page.
Dadada!
This is the territory mapping of
the whole Corn Bunting population
on your farm, because I got
And you've never heard
a Corn Bunting before you got here?
No. I mean,
I've been crying about these birds.
These guys have lost between
83 and 86% of their whole population.
They're completely extinct in Ireland.
There are pockets of this country
that they're just gone from.
So this location
is quite a special little place.
And more than 10 Corn Buntings
is kind of trophy-winning area.
And we've got one, two, three
We've got five.
- No, you've got 19.
- We've got 19?
[Hannah] You've got 19. Whoop!
So this is
What you're saying is
this farm is top few percent for birds?
Yes, this is what's so exciting.
- [chuckling]
- So what are we missing?
I want to see a murmuration
of Starlings before I croak.
Okay look, I'll just go hi, Starlings.
Well, you know what I mean.
Whatever we can do
How long have we got before you croak?
I don't know.
Well, let me know,
because that's a long-term plan.
- Is it?
- On your death bed, finale of the show.
[Jeremy] Oh
Erm
Oh, can I show you the end thing?
I thought I would do one thing
where I linked a bird
to you, Kaleb, Charlie and Lisa,
for reasons, I've got reasons.
Go on then.
- [Jeremy] Have you drawn all this?
- I know, I'm really lame.
I'll do you last. Charlie looks
quite like a Grey Partridge.
He's got that kind of English gent thing
going on.
[Jeremy] He does.
He stands like a colonel.
- Yeah!
- When he's still, he looks like one.
And he's got a perfectly symmetrical
circular face
- like the Partridge.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[Hannah] Kaleb,
it's the hairstyle and he's blonde.
He's a bit of a king of the castle
of the farm.
Do you think Kaleb's a Yellowhammer?
Can't we just say a Gingerhammer?
Yeah, absolutely, you can change it.
Gingerhammer.
Lisa Kestrel.
Beautifully elegant,
doesn't take any shit.
[Jeremy] She is like a Kestrel.
- [Hannah] And then this one.
- Skylark.
[Hannah] National treasure and gobshite.
I can hear them everywhere
across the farm. They're so gobby.
[Jeremy chuckling]
Yeah. I quite like being a Skylark.
Not sure about
the "national treasure" bit.
Erm
- Oh, well.
- Anyway, thank you for that, Hannah.
That has genuinely made my heart sing.
Thanks for having me on your farm.
[birds chirping]
Right on cue.
They've just started singing.
- What? Who? What has?
- The Skylarks.
They're calling.
- They're saying, "Thank you, Jeremy!"
- [Hannah and Jeremy chuckling]
[Skylarks chirping]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Sadly, the elation I felt about
the birds of Diddly Squat was short-lived
because soon,
it was time for our pregnant cow
to have her second TB test
which would be carried out
by one of Dilwyn's associates,
Sam.
- Hi, Jeremy.
- Sam.
Erm, Dilwyn's still away, is he?
Dilwyn's away.
[Jeremy] Sam kicked off by reminding us
about our current TB stranglehold.
[Sam] If she goes today,
the rest of the herd will have
to be tested again in a month's time
and then probably again 60 days later.
So your farm
is under restrictions until that point.
Erm, I believe the test
is a bit haphazard.
For what reason?
- Have you got those tweezers on you?
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] So you get a lump,
this is what you do.
There's a lump on the cow's neck.
And you walk up to it
and you squeeze it, yeah?
And then it tells you
how big the lump is,
'cause there's a measuring bit here,
yeah?
But if you pull it
down hard or not hard,
you get a different reading.
And the cow's doing this
while you're trying to do it.
And then you just go, "Well, there's a-"
And there's only need be
a millimetre in it.
We have to lose a cow,
shut the whole farm down,
and that is how it's measured.
Takes a lot of practice.
Well, I still think
it's a bit haphazard.
[Jeremy] Nevertheless, this is the test
we were going to have to do.
[Jeremy] She's a very, very pretty cow.
And pregnant with twins.
[Sam] How far pregnant is she?
- [Sam] When is she due?
- [Jeremy] Erm, five months.
- [Lisa] When will we know?
- [Jeremy] In about one minute.
[Jeremy] Ooh, God streuth.
[gate rattling]
[Charlie] Good girl. Good girl.
I need to look at the chart.
[gate rattling]
So I've remeasured both lumps today,
on both, er, top and bottom.
[Jeremy] Is this last time?
[Sam] Yeah, the last time here is
7 mm, and 9 mm.
This time, it's 11 mm and 14 mm.
So I look at my chart
She is
She's IR again.
What?
- [Charlie sighing]
- What's that mean?
- Inconclusive again.
- [Sam] Sorry, inconclusive again.
- She stays in the barn?
- [Charlie] No.
No. That that
That means, er,
that she's gonna have to go,
'cause she's effectively
inconclusive twice.
- [Sam] Yeah.
- [Charlie] Is that absolute?
[Sam] Yeah, she's inconclusive twice
so she's treated
So she has to be slaughtered
even though she's inconclusive?
[Sam] Yeah, she's treated
as a reactor today.
- [Sam] The problem you've got
- [Jeremy] That is like
I don't understand any of these rules.
That seems to me like a hung jury.
You know, it's six and six
and then the judge goes,
"That's inconclusive,
so we're gonna execute you."
[Charlie] That is
[Jeremy] That's exactly
what's happening here.
[Lisa] Erm, can I ask you a question?
Can we keep her in here
until she has her calves
and will the calves have TB?
That's a good question.
Yeah, part of the reason I asked
how pregnant she was
If she was in the last month,
I think they give the option
of keeping her in calving down here,
but because
she's only five months pregnant,
they will take her,
er, for slaughter, yeah.
[Jeremy] Oh, f
- You'd hope
- What a year. What a year! Seriously.
Jesus Christ!
Why do people farm?
[scoffing]
Why?
All right. Thanks, Sam.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] The next morning I braced myself
for another moment I'd been dreading,
because Charlie now had the numbers in
for our drought-stricken harvest.
[Charlie] So,
that is what we were expecting.
- [Jeremy] £37,000.
- So that was the forecast.
But, erm, this doesn't factor in the cost
of leasing the AgBot or the RoboDroid
or installing this system, does it?
- Er, yes.
- Oh, it does?
[Charlie] That was how much
we thought we'd make from farming.
[Jeremy] £37,800,
you thought would be our
[Charlie] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Which would have been
quite a good year.
[Charlie] If you turn it over.
Yeah.
[Charlie] So the cost of farming
this year has been £5,152.
[Jeremy] That's one way of saying it.
"Jeremy, you've lost 5,152."
Yeah.
- And this is weather-related.
- Yeah.
So we got 30% less wheat than you were
expecting because of the drought.
We got nearly 40% less barley,
45% less durum than we budgeted.
So yields were down.
I mean, this is bloody dispiriting,
Charlie.
- Er Yeah.
- It is dispiriting.
I mean, it was pretty depressing
in year 1,
when we made a profit of £144,
but here we are in year 6
and we're losing £5,000.
Yeah.
And we did it so bloody well this year.
Yeah, I mean, that's
the really galling thing. You know
[Jeremy] I know. All of this,
all of the technology that we employed.
[Charlie] Exactly.
The crops went in really well.
[Jeremy] With the precision drilling,
the precision muck spreading,
knowing where our good soil is,
where our bad soil is.
Nutrition just right.
I mean, everything was bob on.
- Yeah.
- So even when you do everything
- Yeah.
- Right,
and you employ
all the best, latest technology,
- you lose £5,000.
- Yeah.
Yeah, just simply because
it doesn't rain for 15 weeks.
I mean,
I'm now going to have to give you
70,000 of my own pounds
to pay for the seed
and the fertiliser for next year
Yeah.
And the weather might come
and ruin it all anyway.
I'm betting £70,000
that the weather's nice next year.
I actually need 75, 'cause we lost 5.
All right, Charlie,
thank you for dropping round
with your usual cheerful news.
[Charlie] Hmm
I actually thought we'd break even.
I didn't think we'd lose.
Well
Look on the bright side:
we don't have
to give Rachel Reeves any of our money.
[clicking his tongue]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Normally,
a poor harvest result draws a line
under the bad news for the year
but not this time,
because we still had to watch
our pregnant TB cow
go off to slaughter.
- That's when she was just born!
- Yeah, that was when she was just born.
That was our first she is our first
ever cow and I remember taking a picture.
- God, she's bonny, isn't she?
- Yeah.
She's just gloriously
Diddly Squat's first ever calf.
- And I think we called her Poppy.
- [Kaleb] We did.
[lorry stopping]
[Kaleb snapping his fingers]
[Kaleb] Good girl. Steady. Now steady.
[banging]
[engine starting]
[Jeremy] I can't get my head round it.
I think the system is wrong.
With Covid,
they developed a vaccine in, what,
12 months after it was first identified?
Bovine TB's been around for centuries
and they haven't invented anything yet.
I don't believe it.
You know, if you're a beef
or a dairy farmer, you're 65 years old,
you've grown up with bovine TB,
you get it and then it goes
and it comes and it goes
and you kind of get used to it.
But I'm new to this.
I'm new to it, you know.
- It's a shit feeling.
- No, it's not that it's a shit feeling.
I'm actually pissed off,
'cause I don't accept this.
I don't accept
that the testing is sensible
and I don't believe
that this slaughtering is the answer.
And I don't believe
that science cannot work out
how to vaccinate cows.
- I don't believe any of that.
- Surely as well
- 'Cause I'm new
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, everybody, you,
even you at your age, and you,
and every beef
and dairy farmer I've talked to goes,
"Well, you know, it's just one
of those facts of farming life."
And I'm standing here
as a new boy going, "how can it be?"
How can it be?
- [soft music]
- [birds chirping]
[Jeremy] The woes
of the isolation pen still weren't over,
because despite all the medication,
our sickly calf
wasn't getting any better.
And this meant we had
to call out yet another vet,
Charlotte.
[Charlotte] She's not doing
very well today.
You can already see,
her ears are down and her breathing's up
and she's been coughing and
[Lisa] Do you think
she was born with something then?
Because we've tried everything
and we've done everything that we can.
[Charlotte] It sounds like it's been
a bit of a failure-of-passage transfer,
which basically means that
So humans get all their protein,
the antibodies which develops
the immune system, from the uterus,
whereas in cows they get it only from
the colostrum which is the first milk.
So I think
she's had a bit of a tough start.
So the other calves
took all her colostrum?
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] By the time she learned
or was strong enough to get up there,
- there wasn't any.
- [Charlotte] She completely missed it.
- Shit.
- [Charlotte] So that means
that any bug that she's exposed to,
she won't develop
any form of immunity to.
Despite throwing everything at
her with antibiotics and pain killers,
she won't fight it.
So what do we do next?
Honestly, I think we need to be kind
and put her out of her misery
and elect to euthanase.
I'm really sorry.
How does one go about,
as you say, euthanasing?
[Charlotte] So effectively,
it's an overdose of a sedative,
so it slows her breathing and slows
her heart rate and eventually it stops.
But how's she going
to react, the mother?
It depends.
Some think it's good for them
to see them go so they know it's final.
[Jeremy] Come on, sweetheart.
[Charlotte] Hello, my love.
Good girl.
Good girl. That's it.
It's okay. It's all right. You're okay.
[Jeremy whispering] Poor little thing.
[Charlotte] Come on, my love.
I know. That's it.
- Good girl.
- [Jeremy] How do I hold her head?
[Charlotte] That's perfect.
I'm gonna pop her ear out of the way.
Are you ready?
[Jeremy] Well, yeah
- [Charlotte] Aw
- [Jeremy] Oh, dear.
[Charlotte] All right. Such a good girl.
I'm gonna flip her to the other side
so we can go in that other vein.
[Jeremy grunting]
[Charlotte] Good girl.
She's gone.
- She's gone?
- Yeah.
[Charlotte] Well done, mum.
[Charlotte] Well done, guys.
That's never easy.
- [Jeremy] Thanks, Charlotte.
- You're welcome.
- [Lisa] Thanks.
- [Charlotte] Take care.
[Jeremy sighing]
[soft folk music]
[Jeremy] Despite it feeling
like there was nothing to celebrate,
the Diddly Squat gang met up
in a field called the Big Quiet
for our traditional end-of-year picnic
[soft folk music continues]
This time lunching on all-British pizzas
we were now making at the pub.
[Charlie] Here we go,
have some pizza, Gerald.
[Lisa] Who'd like some more meatball?
And after we'd finished eating,
we got to talking
about our 'annus horribilis'.
So we started the year
and I had coronary heart disease.
Ended it with me with cancer.
And then, in between,
we had Rachel Reeves.
And then we had a drought,
dismal yields.
And now, we've got TB.
So I don't know the result
on the TB then.
So what is the result?
The one with twin calves?
- [Jeremy] The one with twins.
- Oh no.
You Honestly, everything,
Gerald, the whole year.
You know it's the first year
we've made an actual loss on the farm?
- Is it?
- [Charlie and Jeremy] Yeah.
But, we can dwell as much as we like
on all the bad things
that have happened on the farm,
I think it's probably better now,
at the end of another year,
to focus on things
that have happened that have been good.
[Jeremy] Erm
Puppies.
- [Jeremy] Puppies were good.
- Yeah.
- [Charlie] She did have a lot of puppies.
- She did well.
- [Charlie] She did brilliantly.
- [Lisa] Kaleb had a baby.
Another baby.
Is that good?
[Jeremy laughing] Maybe!
I'm gonna throw in the EasyCare sheep.
[Kaleb] That was a good Yeah, no.
[Jeremy] You have even bought some.
- You, having said
- [Kaleb] I got 30.
- "Oh, fucking sheep, I hate sheep."
- [Kaleb] No, I do hate sheep,
I think they're fucking awful,
but EasyCare sheep are amazing.
- Yeah.
- [Charlie] EasyCare's lambs are
- They're cracking.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, really good.
No, no, that was good.
The underground mapping:
really, really useful, we think.
And if we get a year
with some rain and some sunshine
as opposed to one or the other,
we'll be able to make
some meaningful conclusions.
So that was good.
The AgBot was good.
- Was it?
- Yeah. I know you didn't like it.
- [Charlie] I'm a fan.
- [Lisa laughing] Yeah.
[Jeremy] So here we are,
we're finding lots of good things.
Is there anything else?
[Kaleb] When will we know?
- [Jeremy] What?
- If the treatment's worked.
I don't know,
I've got a blood test today.
There'll be a blood test
and then we'll know.
Not for another few weeks.
Come on, cheer up. Probably did work.
[Lisa laughing] Don't stare at me!
I was in a bad way when you went away.
No, I just thought,
"where am I gonna send my invoice to?"
- Exactly.
- [all laughing]
[phone ringing]
[Kaleb laughing]
[phone ringing]
[Gerald] Hello?
[phone continues ringing]
No, it wouldn't even go off.
It wouldn't even go off!
How to switch it on silent, Gerald?
- [Lisa laughing]
- It won't even switch off.
- [phone ringing]
- Should we call it a wrap.
- [phone continues ringing]
- [Jeremy] Technology.
- [phone continues ringing]
- Fuckin' hell.
[all laughing]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] I have to be honest,
we did wrap the programme at this point,
but the following morning,
we called all the film crews back
because Charlie said he had some news.
I've had a letter.
So post-mortem on the cow.
Yeah.
What am I looking for?
There's a little box.
There are three words. Exactly.
[Jeremy] "Non-visible lesions."
Yeah. So
So it didn't have TB.
I then spoke to the vet,
er, who works for the APHA,
Defra basically.
And she said, "Yeah,
we've taken samples,
but nothing has conclusively said
that she's got TB."
So they've killed
my pregnant cow for no reason.
I mean,
I'd heard about this from farmers.
They all Well, not all,
but a lot of them have said
"There are cows that are being killed,
they haven't got TB,"
and that's happened to us.
You know that expression
"your blood's boiling"? Mine is.
[Jeremy clearing his throat]
It's just, you know
It does feel wasteful today, doesn't it?
- But
- Does that mean
Well, that means there's no
TB on the farm, so we're free.
No. We're still closed, er
We're still in the process,
we're still in the procedure.
They've killed my cow, my pregnant cow,
they've looked in the pregnant cow,
seen that it's got no TB,
so instead of writing to us saying,
"Okay, you're free to carry on,"
they're now saying
we can't, we're still
- We have to do
- Locked down.
Yeah, within 60 days,
we've got another test.
- And it
- Who is running Defra?
What is the matter with them?
Well
[sighing]
Things can't get worse.
[siren blaring]
So we started season 5
with me in a hospital bed,
and here we are at the end of season 5
and I'm back in a hospital bed.
Some of the treatment's gone
a bit awry, let's say.
So I'm gonna be here for a little while.
[sighing]
[Lisa] Are you nil by mouth?
Oh you are, I can see the sign.
I'm nil by mouth, yeah.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
But look, what I
wanted to say was, um
if this is all successful,
I'll see you in for season 6.
And if it isn't, I won't.
[Jeremy laughing]
Take care everyone.
["Always Look On the Brightside of Life"
by Monty Python starts playing]
Always look
on the bright side of life ♪
Always look on
the light side of life ♪
If life seems jolly rotten,
there's something you've forgotten ♪
And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing ♪
When you're feeling in the dumps,
don't be silly, chumps ♪
Just purse your lips and whistle,
that's the thing ♪
And always look
on the bright side of life ♪
Come on! ♪
Always look
on the bright side of life ♪
For life is quite absurd,
and death's the final word ♪
You must
always face the curtain with a bow ♪
Forget about your sin,
give the audience a grin ♪
Enjoy it,
it's your last chance anyhow ♪
So always look
on the bright side of death ♪
Just before you draw
your terminal breath ♪
Life's a piece of shit
when you look at it ♪
Life's a laugh
and death's a joke, it's true ♪
You'll see it's all a show,
keep 'em laughing as you go ♪
Just remember
that the last laugh is on you ♪
And always look
on the bright side of life ♪
Always look on
the right side of life ♪
Come on guys, cheer up ♪
Always look
on the bright side of life ♪
Always look on
the right side of life ♪
Worse things happen
at sea, you know? ♪
Always look
on the bright side of life ♪
I mean, what have you got to lose,
you know? ♪
You come from nothing,
you're going back to nothing ♪
What have you lost? Nothing! ♪
Always look on
the right side of life ♪
Nothing will come from nothing,
you know what they say? ♪
Cheer up, you old bugger! ♪
Come on, give us a grin!
There you are! See? ♪
[music fading out]