Ghosts (2021) s05e08 Episode Script

1
(HARLEM STRIDE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHANTING DISTANTLY)
I didn't want it to have to be this way.
But it's either you or me.
MAN: No, don't do it!
(GRUNTING)
I'm sorry,
but this town ain't big
enough for the both of us.
(SHOUTS)
(BASEBALL BAT CLATTERS)
♪
What going on?
Sam's getting an update
on the sales of our book.
Well, her book,
since the news is bad.
So what does that mean, Sharon?
Well, it means
we won't do a second
printing unless things
pick up significantly.
But I have a thought to
drum up some publicity.
Here comes the Playboy ask.
I think you just do it.
Honestly, while they're still asking.
SHARON: You did a podcast
with Todd Pearlman, right?
No, but I did once do
acid with a Todd Rundgren.
ISAAC: I'm sorry,
do you think you're on this Zoom?
- She's talking about Creepy Todd.
- SAMANTHA: Uh, yeah,
the Alberta Haynes murder pod.
It was number 93 on Spotify
on jazz-related murder
pods, not to brag.
- Was that bragging?
- Well, as you're probably aware,
Todd has become a huge
deal in the podcast space,
and if you were able
to book an appearance
on the Todd Pod, it
could be a game changer.
- Dear God.
- The thing is,
the last time I saw him,
we didn't exactly leave
off on a great note.
Sam cod-block him when Todd try
to put moves on Alberta's descendant.
The last author he had on the Todd Pod
tripled her book sales in one month.
Interesting. Let's huddle on
our end and we'll circle back.
But, like, what if he won't
put me on the pod, Sharon?
Well, then, I think
perhaps we've reached
the end of the line for your book.
Okay.
I'll let you know what he says.
Thanks for hopping on.
We appreciate your time
and we look forward to next steps.
She can't hear you, woman.
We appreciate your time and
we look forward to next steps!
ALBERTA: What the hell happened to Todd?
His skin glow like belly of trout.
HETTY: Oh, I'll tell you what
happened to this man: money.
It is the great cure-all.
Todd, I just wanna start by apologizing.
I know we didn't leave
things on the best of terms.
Please, I didn't come
all the way from Altoona
to tell you that I was still mad.
It's water under the bridge.
In fact, you guys were
right to call me out.
I was becoming way too
obsessed with Alberta.
Mm, he's not the first
and he won't be the last.
- Currently afflicted.
- TODD: I was spiraling.
Truth is, I hit a wall with my research.
It's so strange, there's nothing
in the historical record about
Alberta Haynes prior to 1923.
I know from interviews a
bit about her early years,
but there's no paper trail,
no record of her arriving in New York.
I mean, she had to live
and work in the city.
What was she doing? Who was she with?
- Where did she go?
- THORFINN: Yeah,
he seem over you.
TODD: But none of that matters now
because I've redirected that energy
and I put it all into the Todd Pod.
Well, it's paying off for you.
I mean, these guests you're
getting? LeBron, Chalamet,
that economist whose episode
I also totally listened to.
Enough with the chitchat.
Inquire if that's a hair transplant,
and then get to the book.
So, like I mentioned on the phone,
I would love for you to
consider having me on.
How about we grab lunch?
I need to know more about your process,
your inspiration.
I mean, sure, there's a pod in you,
but is there a Todd Pod in you?
PETE: Maybe it's the
girl dad in me talking,
but I would not go to a second
location alone with this man.
Um, why don't we have
lunch at Jay's restaurant?
The food's amazing.
And Jay will be nearby with
access to a lot of knives.
- THORFINN: Alberta, you have moment?
- Sure,
- what's shaking, Thor?
- Earlier,
Creepy Todd bring up that he unable
to find information about
you prior to certain date.
Well (CHUCKLES)
that get Thor to remember something
because Thor brain good.
- Okay.
- You once mention
that Alberta not your real name.
Was throwaway comment,
but Thor can't help but think
that maybe two facts related.
So? What if they are?
- So, tell Thor secret.
- Why?
Because Thor put together pieces
like Columbo or Steve from Blue's Clues.
Well, I ain't telling you nothing, Thor.
Then Thor will just remind
other ghosts in house
that Alberta not your real
name and how that line up
with what Todd say.
Don't you even think about
getting everyone riled up.
I don't want everyone hounding me.
Well, then, you know what you must do.
Tell Thor everything.
Okay, fine.
The reason I changed
my name is because
I killed a man.
And you're ashamed because
it just one person you kill?
Just keep it to yourself, okay?
Okay, fine.
You got it Alice?
Ah-ah-ah! I ain't
telling you the real name.
You get one secret.
That's all you're getting.
You have my word Beth?
Stop.
SAMANTHA: Wow,
you had Vince Vaughn on the Todd Pod?
Great guy.
I'm actually using his
decorator at my house.
Nice, you moved out of your mom's house.
No, I bought the house from her.
But now I live in my basement.
Why won't this man live above ground?
Jay, these samosas are incredible.
Am I tasting a hint of macadamia?
Actually, I fry them
in macadamia nut oil.
What a palate, Todd. But
let's talk Colonial Vampire.
I am biased,
but honestly, it was my
favorite book of the year.
He's only read two,
that and the unauthorized
biography of Chewbacca.
Difficult childhood, but
Chewbacca come out on top.
So, Sam, why was this the
story you were dying to tell?
Well, uh, I like historical fiction.
The vampire thing was
just sort of a gimmick
- to please the publisher.
- Oh, I was actually
responding to the vampire stuff.
That's not surprising for
someone who lives in a cave.
Samantha, may I talk
to you for a second?
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Wait, but Uh um
Well, speaking of books,
have you read the new
Chewbacca biography?
Wookiee of the Year? Yeah, I loved it.
Hey, Bela, I'm gonna stand
near you to talk to a ghost.
- No problem.
- Samantha, what is going on over there?
That man wants passion.
He wants pizzazz.
I know it's hard to wow in that outfit,
but that is what the moment demands.
- Wait, is that Todd Pearlman?
- SAMANTHA: Yeah.
Ugh. That creep asked me out in college.
Oh, right. You went to
Penn State Altoona campus.
He was a townie who lived with his mom.
Well, now he's a wildly
successful podcaster.
Whose mom lives with him.
Have you ever heard of the Todd Pod?
That's him? He must be loaded.
Is he single? I should
have gone to Medieval Times
with him when I had the chance.
JAY: And that's why I named
the restaurant after my father.
- Mahesh.
- That's incredible.
Every step of the way,
he fought you following your passion.
But it was his
risk-taking in moving here
that inspired your own bold gamble.
That is a great way of putting that.
These two are really connecting.
It's nice when men can
talk about their feelings.
Except for Gordon Lightfoot,
who never shut up about them.
Sorry about that.
(CLEARS THROAT) Now, where were we?
Oh, that's right,
a tale about bats and
blood, tea and taxation.
Razzle.
Let me stop you right there.
I am gonna do my next Todd Pod here.
- Yes.
- That's amazing.
But not about you or your book.
What?
This next Todd Pod is gonna dive deep
into Jay.
The razzle came too late.
Too late.
- What the hell was that, Jay?
- I'm so sorry, Sam.
There's no way I
could've seen that coming.
What's happening?
Jay charmed the pants off of Creepy Todd
and now it's about he
whom Todd wants to pod.
There's a simple solution here, babe.
I'm just gonna tell him I
don't want to do his podcast.
He came here to feature you,
and that's what's gonna happen.
There you go. Jay jumps on the grenade,
Sam gets her pity pod. Everyone's happy.
Well, I don't want a pity pod.
Yes, we do. Need I remind you
that without this podcast appearance,
our book is finished.
And with it, my story.
And with that, any chance of an eventual
garish Broadway musical
based on my story.
Stakes couldn't be higher.
You know who would be really
good for the musical version?
Hugh Jackman.
No, we're not stunt
casting it with movie stars.
I have integrity. Now let's suck up
to that creepy toenail collector
and secure that pity pod.
THORFINN: Hello there, Pete.
Thor have some interesting
news that he just learn.
But he promise Alberta he not say.
Oh, okay. Well, I respect that.
On other hand, last promise
Alberta make to Thor,
she break. I speak, of course,
of the saga of the revenge bail.
Sorry, is this gonna take a while?
Because the queen bee
just left the colony,
and the worker bees are going nuts.
Peter, your girlfriend Alberta
is murderer.
Sort of.
Of just one man.
- What?
- Also, her real name not Alberta.
Or Alice. Or Beth.
So don't bother trying to guess those.
I can't believe this. She told you this?
Yeah, and then she tell
Thor not to tell anyone.
But Thor have other plans.
Revenge bail revenge. (CHUCKLES)
(TODD GASPS SOFTLY)
So this is where it happens.
This is the genius's lair.
That dude's gonna bang this kitchen.
Can I help you?
Oh, hi.
Todd Pearlman.
I'm gonna be featuring Jay on an
upcoming episode of my Todd Pod.
No way, that's you?
You had Colin Farrell on recently.
Colin Farrell. I'd put
that penguin on a leash.
JAY: Todd, hey,
we need to talk.
Oh, hi, Mark.
Great news on the pod, Jay.
Yeah, about that.
While I am deeply flattered,
I don't think I'm
gonna be able to do it.
- What?
- Seriously?
Sounds like a huge opportunity.
Oh, hey. I didn't know
there'd be anyone in here.
Wait a second.
Todd? From Altoona?
Bela Arondekar.
That's my maiden name.
Which I still have. Single.
Ooh, she's good.
Oh, yeah, Bela's my sister,
and she also works here.
Anyway,
I really appreciate the
offer, but I think you should
stick with the original
plan to interview Sam.
Okay, there was no
promise to interview Sam.
I came here with an open mind,
but I wasn't moved. You move me, Jay.
- He'll do the pod.
- What?
What is there to even think about?
This could be huge for the restaurant.
And that's good for Sam, too.
It's actually good for all of us.
Mark is making some
really strong points.
I mean, yeah, I guess that's true.
- Great, then it's settled.
- Awesome.
I'll have my guys come in
and set up the equipment.
Bela, it was nice to see you
on this side of the Horseshoe Curve.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God, Todd.
That was a hilarious Altoona reference.
You should be a stand-up comedian.
The way she debases herself
to land a rich husband.
I respect the hell out of it.
So, I had a sort of interesting
conversation with Thor.
I don't know how else to say this.
He said that you killed a man?
Damn it, Thor.
Revenge bail revenge! Ha!
Petty bitch!
Yeah!
What's going on?
I don't want to talk about this, Pete.
Look, I know you lived a colorful life,
and that you hung around
with some no-goodniks,
but you're not a murderer.
Are you?
Pete, you're missing a lot of context.
So, then share it.
I don't want to. Can't we just move on?
Alberta, look.
My my marriage was
riddled with secrets.
I was a cuckold, I was an
unknowing front for the mob.
I can't be in another relationship
where someone's keeping secrets from me.
If I tell you, it's gonna change
the way you see me forever.
I just want the truth.
Fine.
I'll tell you the story
about how I became
Alberta Haynes.
I'm a little nervous, but
I love the dramatic pause.
ISAAC: What's all this?
Todd's guys set this
stuff up to record the pod.
Jay's talk with Todd must have worked.
You know, I'm coming around on Jackman.
The Greatest Showman? Maybe not,
but he's solid and he
puts butts in seats.
Hey.
Didn't love the sound of that "hey."
- How'd it go with Todd?
- Well, I told him
I didn't want to be on the show,
but he wouldn't take no for an answer.
Seriously, Jay?
I was trapped. Mark was there,
and he insisted that I do
it because of the publicity.
I can't believe this.
It's all slipping away.
At this rate, we'll be
lucky to get Kevin Kline.
Do you think I want to spend four hours
recording with Creepy Todd?
He was sensually stroking
my kitchen counter.
It was unnerving.
Ugh. Todd is the worst.
I hate that we need this freak's help.
Hello.
Hey, Todd. Uh, oh
I was just talking about my
favorite kind of ice cream,
which is vanilla.
Okay, so this is why
I wrote and she typed.
TODD: Save it.
I heard everything. Hot mic.
- Todd, we can explain.
- No need.
You think I'm creepy.
Obviously, the podcast is off.
Furthermore, I will be
instructing the Todd Mob
- That's what he calls his fans.
- to take you down
with an avalanche of one-star reviews.
Thor in avalanche once, but of snow.
They'll destroy your book,
your restaurant, your B&B,
your hopes, your dreams
and your Uber rating.
JAY: Todd, please, can't we just talk?
You had your chance to talk.
On the pod.
But now, that chance is gone.
And don't even think about using my code
to get a discount on a mattress.
He's going full scorched earth.
Does anyone want to split this
Altoona-style pizza with me?
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, Todd.
Didn't even know you were here.
Complete debasement to
live in his basement.
Mmm.
So good. (CHUCKLES)
ALBERTA: All right, here we
go. Hold on to your arrow, Pete.
As you know, I came to
New York to pursue my dream
of being a famous jazz singer.
But I wasn't an overnight success.
And I still had to pay the bills.
So you cleaned houses,
you waited tables?
No, Pete.
My real name is Esther Greene,
and I was
a ventriloquist.
- (SCOFFS) What?
- You have to understand,
at that time, ventriloquism
was all the rage.
Every day, buses from
all over the country
arrived in New York, full of people
with a dummy and a dream.
Did you have to book a
second seat for the dummy
or was it like a lap child?
Sorry, travel agent brain. Continue.
So, when singing wasn't panning out,
I gave ventriloquism a shot.
Turns out,
I was a natural.
Okay, Murray,
if you're so smart,
tell me what you see in the future.
Well, in about 15 minutes,
I see a bunch of people
asking for a refund.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Murray, you're terrible.
Ha! Says the woman with
her hand up my tush.
ALBERTA: But the more successful
Esther Greene and the
Magnificent Murray got,
the further away I was
from getting my dream.
I tried to pivot,
but the public doesn't like a pivot.
All right, I think it's time
for Murray to have a time-out.
- (AUDIENCE MURMURS)
- Okay,
for something a little different,
I, Esther Greene, will be singing
my rendition of "A Good
Man is Hard to Find."
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
My heart is sad ♪
'Cause I'm all alone ♪
(CHANTING): Murray! Murray!
ALBERTA: I knew if I
didn't do something drastic,
I'd be known as one half
of Esther and The Magnificent Murray
for the rest of my life.
I'd never get to sing. I'd
never get to live my dream.
I knew I had to make a clean break.
I didn't want it to have to be this way.
But it's either you or me.
No, don't do it!
(SHOUTS)
From that day on, I left
Murray and Esther behind.
I took on the name "Alberta Haynes"
and I never looked back.
Alberta, you have
nothing to be ashamed of.
You threw away a successful
career to go after
what you really wanted. That takes guts.
I appreciate that.
But promise me you'll
take this to your grave.
Or you know what I mean.
I'm proud of Alberta Haynes,
and I never want anything
to jeopardize her legacy.
Okay, I promise.
So, last question on this.
Um, are you open to any
ventriloquist-dummy role-play?
I don't think so.
Cheerfully withdrawn.
Todd, please, can we just discuss this?
Why would you want to discuss
anything with a creepy freak?
I mean, if you don't want to
be painted with that brush,
- maybe don't collect toenails?
- SAMANTHA: Todd,
you thought those were insults?
"Creep" and "freak"?
No, those are just terms of endearment.
Yeah, like, "Hey, let's get
brunch, you creepy freak."
Yeah, yeah. "Meet you there at noon,
you terrifying psycho."
Just stop it. The podcast
is off and my followers
are going to ruin all
that you two hold sacred.
What's going on here?
They call Todd "creepy,"
and now he vow to exact revenge.
Todd, please, there has
to be something we can do.
There's nothing you
two have that I want.
HETTY: Poor Samantha and
Jay. Their business is ruined,
their dreams shattered.
Sam, tell him you know my real name.
- Are you sure?
- No, but if it will help
Sam and Jay, I'll do it.
Also sort of help Isaac.
Don't talk me out of it.
TODD: I'm out of here.
Todd, wait. I know Alberta's real name.
What are you talking about?
That's why he can't find
any record of me before 1923.
I changed my name.
The reason you can't
find any record of her
before 1923 is because
she changed her name.
TODD: Why? Why would
she do such a thing?
Oh, we will be happy to tell you,
if you call off the Todd Mob.
JAY: And you do the podcast about Sam.
No.
About both of us.
That's right, the couple
that bribes together,
thrives together.
No. After Jada and Will,
I promised I would never
do another couples episode.
Besides, I'm over Alberta.
I'm no longer obsessed with learning
every juicy detail of her
fascinating life and legacy.
Are you sure? 'Cause it's a doozy.
I don't like how he's
twitching like that.
Okay, tell me! I gotta know!
Ah, there's that creepy Alberta
obsessive we all know and love.
I'm a powerful drug.
SAMANTHA: And that's how Esther
Greene became Alberta Haynes.
But where's Alberta Haynes now?
That's the real mystery.
TODD: What a brave choice by Alberta.
Giving up the safety and
stability of ventriloquism
to test the unknown
waters of jazz singing.
See? I told you it was brave.
Look, I found an old
picture of Esther Greene.
Hey, that's Alberta.
I know from the tattoo on Todd's back,
- which is not creepy.
- TODD: Wow!
Incredible.
Wait, Alberta, is that your
current hat on the dummy?
ALBERTA: Yeah. I took it from
Murray's splintered
corpse after the attack.
Even though I wanted to bury my past,
I couldn't totally let go.
The truth is, Murray will
always be a part of me.
That's really sweet, Alberta.
THORFINN: So, wait, your
hat literal hat for dummy?
Okay, Thor.
(LAUGHS)
This is best day of Thor afterlife!
Okay, get it out your system.
What dumber than tiny dumb hat?
Literal hat for dummy! (LAUGHS)
Thank you, Alberta!
Is incredible gift!
For absolutely one
night only (LAUGHS)
I present Esther Greene
and her little pal Pinecone Pete.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Hey,
why do I get second billing?
(LAUGHS) 'Cause you're the dummy, dummy.
This is deeply weird.
Wait, Pete voice sound different.
Yeah, that's 'cause
Alberta's doing the voice.
But her lips not moving.
Looks like we got a
second dummy here tonight.
Watch your words, Pinecone Pete.
Make me.
I will.
Come at me, I dare you.
Alberta, what are you doing?
(SHOUTS)
SAMANTHA: And now Thor's chopping
Pete in half repeatedly. Ouch.
Huh. That sounds like a tough watch.
THORFINN: Not so funny
now, Pinecone Pete!
PETE (SCREAMING): Stop! It's not me!