Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators (2018) s05e08 Episode Script

1
It comes with this 500ml
cup if you're making
a smoothie or a
milkshake for yourself, but
there's also an additional 2
litre glass jug for larger amounts.
It's a great option
to have, isn't it Tony?
Absolutely Val, and with
the crushed ice feature,
you could even knock yourself
up a batch of margaritas.
Oh yes, and you do know how I love
my 6 o'clock cocktail, don't you darling?
Now, blenders like
this normally retail at
over £100, but today we're
selling this for only
£59.99, £59.99.
Now Maria, I can tell this
is going to be very popular.
Absolutely Valentina,
we've already sold an
amazing 35 units,
and that's before you've
demonstrated how quiet it is.
Yes, and I was just about to do that.
Listen to this.
SCREAMING
And stay tuned after the break for
more amazing bargains on the
World Shopping Channel.
And we're clear.
Who did this?
WHO DID THIS?
- Oh my goodness.
- Get that cursing rag away!
Tony!
I'm here, I'm here darling.
Valentina, I'm so sorry.
I was on the phone to the channel.
What happened?
The snap lock seal is broken,
but I checked it myself earlier.
I told you Andrew.
I told you someone's out to get me.
Now either you sort this out or
you bring someone else that can.
Or else!
Oh God.
Come on, come on.
Oh my God.
We'll clean this.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Come on, let's watch it again.
Just so that we can get a
full picture of the incident.
Yeah.
It's been going on for a while now.
Items Valentina's been using for the
live demos have been misbehaving.
Last week a massaging
mattress topper went rogue.
A rogue massaging mattress?
Ah yeah, that's a best seller isn't it?
It's perfect for easing your aching
muscles at the end of a working day.
Well this one nearly threw her to the
floor and today's been the final straw.
- I come bearing tea.
- Thank you.
So tell us, what is
Valentino Orsino really like?
She always looks so fabulous.
Not so much there, but usually.
- You know who this is?
- Yes!
It's Valentino Orsino and
this is her husband, Tony.
They're the face of WSC.
The world's shopping channel.
Ovs.
They have shows every
weekday, morning and lunchtime.
It's the network's primetime slots.
And your company?
Escalers Studios.
You make these shows?
For the past 20 years.
Oh right.
It's your big birthday bargain
bonanza this week isn't it?
Yes. Which is why I could
do without the headache.
Our contract with the
channel's up for renewal.
We really need to
smash our sales targets.
So who has access to the products
before they're demonstrated?
Well.
I do perceive here a
divided duty, I should get that.
Excuse me.
And you've really got
no idea who might be
trying to humiliate Valentino like this?
She's my star talent but with any
great talent comes high expectations.
Bit of a diva.
She just knows what she wants. Yeah.
I can't go back to her
without real answers.
So I need results.
And fast.
Well we would need
full access to the studios.
Yes, we'd probably need
to meet Tony and Maria
and just like the whole team
so yes, we'd love to take the job.
Thank you.
And I can count on you to be discreet.
You can't have Valentino any more
disturbed than she already has been.
Discretion is my middle name.
- Right. Are our covers in place?
- Yes.
I am called Coco.
I am makeup artist
extraordinaire darlings
and I'm going to be doing
Valentino's hair and makeup.
I'm so excited.
Alright my old Chinas.
I'm Simeon Bardolph.
Just moved down from Acne.
Starting today as a
junior product fluffer.
Which I pray means
that I'll be sorting out
the merchandise
before it goes on screen.
I'm Frank, facilities maintenance
here to do a service on the alarms
which are in fact cameras.
I think we've got all angles covered.
Couldn't have chosen a different name.
Excuse me, Frank is way more
discreet than Simeon and Coco.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh darlings, you're so kind.
Oh yes, I can see why you like her.
Very Sophia Loren.
I know, right?
Sorry darlings.
We don't want Maria to be late, do we?
Oh you're beautiful, you're beautiful.
Right, come on, let's get to work.
Watcher, I was told to speak to Jane.
- I'm Simeon.
- Oh, you're my new fluffer.
- Nice to meet you.
- And you.
Hi, I'm Maria.
I know, I've seen you on screen.
Tucked away in my booth.
Not for much longer.
It's the 20th birthday
Bonanza launch later
and we've just heard
that Maria is going to
be with Valentina and Tony
doing some proper presenting.
Oh yeah, congratulations,
that's mint, that is.
Been asking Andrew for months.
Even offered to make a cake for the show.
Well that clearly swung it.
I don't know, he hasn't seen it yet.
Certainly didn't use anything
as fancy as all this lot.
Oh, it'll be great and so will you.
Right, I need a top up.
I'm on the honey ginger and lemon.
For the old absence.
Your absence choice?
Your voice?
- Yes.
- Yeah, I see.
Oh, I did a little bit of
Andrew back home in Akne.
Well, I'll leave you in Jane's
capable hands. She's a legend.
Been here since day one, knows literally
everything about all our products.
Oh, get away with you.
Serious?
And remember what I said, you shouldn't
let Valentina speak to you like that.
This is all seen as
just stress, that's all.
Yeah, I saw that blender
thing, that was mad.
Any idea what happened, yeah?
Oh, I wish I had.
I hate it when the products
look bad on screen.
It reflects poorly on me.
Ah, Maria, we've managed to misplace the
menopause expert for this morning's show.
Can you help me shut them down?
Just a little dusting
on the T-zone there.
I know it's not very professional of me
to say this, but I think you're amazing.
Do you know, a viewer once called me the
Elizabeth Taylor of television shopping.
Who am I to argue?
Well, exactly, darling.
Shame, isn't it, about all
these recent accidents on air?
They were not accidents, that was sabotage,
and I think I know who's behind it.
Who?
Maria.
Maria Squire?
Yes, that jumped up
admin girl has been angling
for my job, as if that's
ever going to happen.
That's not argon oil, is it?
No, I was told no
cosmetics containing nuts.
Tree nuts, specifically?
KNOCKING ON DOOR
We're ready for you.
You've done an OK job, I suppose.
Thanks.
- Val, darling.
- Hello.
I'm the new make-up artist, Coco.
I was just admiring
these beautiful flowers.
Yes, they were a gift from me.
Burton, that's a pet name,
inside joke, you know.
Five Minutes!
Are you needed back on set?
Oh, no, no, Val's doing the
morning show solo. It's a
It's a special on
the menopause,
so I'm served its requirements.
Actually, while you're
here, could I get a touch-up?
I want to look perfect for the 20th
birthday bargain bonanza launch.
Yes, definitely.
I mean, maybe I could redo your base.
Do you have any breathtaking bronze?
That's my usual colour.
I was thinking of
something a bit more neutral.
Oh, no, no, no, I always use that shade.
It gives such a subtle glow.
Not to worry. I'll find my usual girl.
OK.
Frankie?
Aaaah, yes.
Andrew asked me to find you.
Sorry, you're not quite what I expected.
Yeah, I get that a lot, but rest
assured, I'm very good at what I do.
- Wouldn't have been booked otherwise.
- Exactly.
Should we go to set?
Oh, does Andrew want
me to set up there as well?
- Of course, that's where Valentina is.
- OK.
Aren't you going to bring that with you?
Yeah, I guess so.
It's called the Femi Fan
and it works a treat.
You just
press the power button,
decide on the power that you want
and voilà, you're good to go.
It eases all those hot flushes
and it's a bargain at only £4.99.
So pick up the phone now
because you do not want to miss out.
Watching her lying in the studio.
Did you find anything useful out?
Oh, well, apparently
Valentina bullies all the
stars, especially Portia,
you know, over there.
Maybe she's as lovely
as she seems on screen.
What are they doing with Frank?
I think there's been a bit
I'm delighted to welcome Frankie
Cannon of Femi Change UK.
It's lovely to meet you, Frankie.
Please, take a seat.
That is not Frankie Cannon.
That is not Frankie Cannon.
Frankie, a Femi Squeeze?
- A femi what?
- Femi squeeze.
Oh, yes, yes.
Unfortunately, urinal incontinence
is a reality for so many women
experiencing peri or menopausal changes.
But the unique pelvic
floor muscle trainer, only £9.99,
is designed to combat that.
Why don't you show us how
the Femi Squeeze works, Frankie?
Er
There you go. Ah, yes.
Easy peasy.
Oh, hello.
Squeeze.
Squeeze.
So easy.
I think my pelvic floor
must already be shot.
For every Femi Squeeze bought today
- I'm really sorry, but
- For every femi squeeze bought today,
a donation will be made
to Femi Change UK,
and with more exclusive
offers after the break.
And we're out.
Valentina, I am so sorry.
Sorry?
- Who the hell is this oaf?
- Hey!
It really wasn't that bad.
Honestly, you were still great.
Who are you?
This is Frank and Lou.
They're the people I
hired to find your saboteur.
I thought you'd engage
experienced undercover investigators.
Not a second-rate make-up
artist and an incompetent fool.
She had people spying on us.
You did this on purpose, didn't you?
No, it was a genuine mistake, I swear.
We just got our wires crossed.
If you think that you're going
to help me with the
birthday bargain bonanza
after that stunt, you can think again.
And you promised he'd
give me a shot of presenting.
Did he now?
GASPS
I thought we'd spoken about that.
Perhaps you should stay in your
booth, Maria, just for the time being.
I am so sick of being surrounded
by talentless and dreary people.
Remind me again which one I think
is actually the owner of the studio.
TELEPHONE RINGING
Darling, give me a moment
to get away from all the riff-raff.
She's more worked up than ever,
and you were being lied to the
nation as a menopause expert.
Is this what Shakespeare
and Hathaway classes discrete?
Oh, here you are.
You feeling all right?
I'm getting there, thanks.
I shouldn't let it get to me.
- I mean, it's only TV, right?
- Mm.
It's just my fiancée broke up
with me a couple of months ago.
- Oh.
- It's been really hard.
I just thought maybe
this was my chance to, you know
- show him what he's missing.
- Hm.
- That's really sad, isn't it?
- No.
Break-ups are rough.
Thanks, Simeon.
Come on, girl.
It's just, it's frustrating because
there's loads of audience research
that shows that viewers like
me almost as much as Valentina,
but every time Andrew says he'll
give me a chance, she intervenes.
That's out of order.
So, you know, I'd understand if you
wanted to cause a bit of Barney Rubble.
You know, get your own back.
What, the sabotage?
No, that's not me.
Today was a genuine mix-up.
I would like to buy
whoever it is a drink though.
I'm really sorry about earlier.
I will find Valentina and I will
try and smooth things over.
I think the best thing you can
do is solve this case and fast.
Yes. Well
I'm sorry, Mrs Lucina. I won't
do it again, I promise.
No, I'm sorry, Jane,
because I don't believe you.
And we're live in five, four
And as part of our 20th
birthday bargain, Bonanza,
we'll be giving you an
additional 20% discount.
I'm going to write her a quote.
Jane heard it, maybe it's her.
Well, however it is, the 120,000
will investigate the case, will there?
What are you doing?
Can you believe that we've been
doing this for 20 years, darling?
I know, I know, it's just flown by, but
I think we should celebrate properly.
Definitely.
This is it, it's about to happen.
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
Oh, wow, this looks tasty.
- It really does.
- Ooh.
Wanna get a slice of that.
I just want to thank all you
loyal viewers for your support.
We really would be nothing without you.
Now, stick around as we're going to be
showing you the latest tools and gadgets
to make baking five
showstoppers like this a doddle,
starting with our deluxe
icing bundle with 15
different nozzles for
a professional finish.
I reckon she's having
a bit of a reaction.
Where's her epi pen? Professional.
It should be in her bag.
Get him to go to adverts. Go to adverts.
So Val's not feeling
well, so here are the ads.
It's not in here.
There's a spare one in her dressing room.
Quick!
I can't find it.
Just keep looking.
I mean, what do they even look like?
Oh, look, I think I've got it!
Got it!
I've got it!
This, uh, is too late. She's dead.
Oh.
Yes. Can you get me the police, please?
Come on, Julian, this is not
something we could have anticipated.
You lot. Again.
I might have to arrest
you for obstruction.
I think they'll find we were here first.
Yeah, so actually, technically,
you're the one that's obstructing us?
No, I'm doing my job.
Not that there's much to it.
Mrs Orsino had a known nut allergy.
Obviously, she went into
anaphylaxis when she ate that cake.
Mm, what about the missing epi pen?
Yeah, we're looking into that.
But if I was her husband, I'd be
suing the bakery that made that cake.
Actually, Maria made it for her.
Who's Maria?
Now, I understand you held Mrs Orsino
responsible for thwarting your career?
I think that's a bit of an overstatement.
Still, maybe you deliberately
gave her a cake with nuts
hoping she'd have a reaction.
No, I knew how serious her allergy was.
I cleaned my kitchen, like, three
times to make sure it was safe.
Before I started baking.
There's no way that you'll
find traces of nuts in that cake.
Well, we'll know soon enough.
Forensics are testing it as we speak.
Well, thanks so much for coming out.
It's quite busy out there.
You're not thinking of
going on air again, are you?
The lunchtime show.
What?
But Valentina only died yesterday.
No fans might need a little
bit more time to process things.
The channel are refusing to budge
on sales targets. My hands are tied.
However, I'd also like to rehire you.
Why? No-one's going to
sabotage Valentina now, are they?
I mean, he's right, though.
Why would you still need us?
To find her killer?
Hi, Simeon.
Or should I say Sebastian?
Sorry.
Last night, I was called to the
station for a formal interview.
Forensics found the cake
had traces of nuts in it.
Why, they let you go?
They found it had been
injected with a hand
cream that contained
nut oil after I'd made it.
We think it might be the same person who
tampered with all
Valentina's other items.
So you want us to find the
saboteur and put Maria in the clear?
Please.
The channel are on my
back to resolve this fast
and I can't have my new
presenter under suspicion.
New presenter?
I know me and Valentina didn't see eye
to eye, but Tony's given me his blessing.
Who's going to be in the booth?
Oh, how about Jane Foll?
The product fluffer.
Well, Maria, you said it,
she really knows her staff.
Jane's great, it's just
she's a bit ordinary.
I'm not sure she has that dynamic,
capable flair we're looking for.
Hang on, you said that you did am-dram.
Me?
Or was that just part of your cover?
Oh, no, no, I have done
some am-dram and three-year
classical training at the Royal
Academy of Dramatic Arts.
And he's worked at the RAC.
Perfect.
How do you fancy resuming your undercover
role only this time live on camera?
Own whatever the case requires.
Seven, nine, two.
Cheers. And tell Will at the Mallard
that your next pint is on my tab.
So, my contact at
the station reckons it's
not just the EpiPen that's gone missing.
Valentina's mobile's gone walkabout too.
Hello, your call cannot
be taken at the moment.
It's turned off, which
means we can't trace it.
Are we getting her with the footage?
Yeah, look at this.
Here comes Maria, she brings the cake,
she pops it on the trolley there,
and then she wheels it out of sight.
You don't think she could
have tampered with it?
Yeah, maybe.
I mean, with Valentina
out of the picture,
she does become lead
presenter, doesn't she?
But it's a bit risky, isn't it, poisoning
her cake you made yourself?
Yeah, I suppose.
And it puts her right
in Keila's line of sight.
- Everybody else come in.
- Yeah.
Andrew.
Yeah.
Goes out of sight.
And then, a few minutes later, Tony.
Hmm.
And then, oh, yeah, it's Jane.
I saw they all could
have had opportunity.
Hmm.
Stop it there.
She got something in her apron pocket.
So this gives you the
latest sales figures,
and this shows you
who's waiting on the phone.
But don't worry, they vet all
the calls before they go on air.
Thank you.
And, um, I'm sorry again
for lying about who I was.
I won't hold it against you.
Much.
So, how does it feel
finally getting to present?
Well, I'd feel better if it wasn't
under such horrible circumstances.
It doesn't feel real.
I mean, me, a television presenter.
Marriage and kids with
Fabian was all I ever wanted.
This was taken the day
he opened his garage?
I was supposed to be
head of admin and sales.
Funny how things change.
Well, it's his loss, because you are about
to become the new star of shopping TV.
BEEPING
Lou, with an update.
You haven't seen Jane about, have you?
She didn't come in today.
I think she's too upset.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Well, you're the
investigators, aren't you?
Yes, I am, Lu. This is Frank.
We just wanted to see how you were.
We heard you weren't in work.
Yeah, I couldn't face it. No, not after.
You murdered Valentino Orsino.
Oh, no!
I got footage of you by
the cake in the prep room,
and you definitely had
something in your apron pocket.
That's not what you think.
You can't believe that
you'd better come in.
Oh! Wow! I bet you're a nightmare
to buy for for Christmas, eh?
Once an item's been demoed
on screen, it can't be sold.
They just sit, gathering
dust in the storeroom.
So you thought you'd bring
just a couple of things home?
I was only borrowing them. I was
going to put it all back eventually.
I spent hours researching these products.
So the thing that was
in your apron, is that
what you were round
with Valentino about?
She saw me slipping it into my bag.
She said she'd tell Andrew I
was a thief and get me sacked.
But she never got a chance.
I didn't kill Valentino, I swear.
So why didn't you go
into work today, then?
Yeah, I mean, it did make
you look a little bit guilty.
Well, look around you. I am guilty.
I didn't think it was
stealing, not really, but
When Valentino caught me like
that, I realised I was lying to myself.
I'm going to have to quit.
Maybe not.
It's never too late to make things right.
You've got the electric foot
warmer with detachable firm off.
I really wanted one of these.
I nearly got one, actually.
Sorry.
Oh! Is that the massage mat
that Andrew said went rogue?
Yeah, I brought it back to try and
figure out what went wrong with it.
And to give it a go, of course.
Vindaloo?
No, I recognise that shade.
That's breathtaking bronze.
I had a bit of a thing for Tony
back in the day, you know
when he was on Good Morning Stratford.
Spray on hair,
fake tan and
Ooh, haemorrhoid cream.
- Yeah, I can see why you liked him.
- Stop it.
Yeah, that's definitely a match.
Breathtaking bronze, that's
what was on the mattress.
Do you think he was sabotaging his wife
because she treated him like a doormat?
I don't know. I feel like it
was something more than that.
What do you think you're doing?
We're doing our job, Mr Osino.
It was you, wasn't it?
You were the one that
was meddling with Valentina.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Why would I do that?
Because Burton isn't
really your pet name, is it?
It's the name of her lover.
She was having an affair
and you found out, didn't you?
You don't know what it's like.
We were married as such a
vibrant and beautiful woman.
I mean, I've tried to
hold the years back.
She's hardly aged since we were married.
I suspected she was seeing someone,
so I bought some spyware for her phone.
I'm not proud, but I tracked
her to a local hotel multiple times.
And did you confront her?
What, and risk her leaving me? No.
No, I decided to play some practical
jokes, always childish and stupid.
I hate myself now.
So is that what the cake was about?
Maybe you didn't
mean to kill her, but you
just wanted her to swell up on live TV.
That wasn't me. I'd never risked that.
I might have wanted to humiliate her, but
I never wanted her to come to any harm.
Much less die.
This spyware, was it
a location-sharing app?
No, it was more sophisticated than that.
I could track Val's phone to within
centimetres, even when it was turned off.
14 calories.
Throat lozenge.
You've got to protect that voice now.
Thanks.
So do the viewers have to
pay extra for the workouts
with this, or is there
some kind of monthly fee?
I don't know. I wish Jane was here.
She always knows this stuff.
There's a contents library
of over 1,000 workouts.
Jane, you're back.
And with that model, you
can connect your phone via
Bluetooth and exercise
to all your favourite tunes.
Hey, you ever thought
about presenting, Jane?
Oh, heavens, no.
Who'd want to see me on screen?
I'm not exactly glamorous.
Now, I don't suppose you could help
me put this lot back on the shelves?
Tony was the saboteur.
Wait, is he the killer, then?
We don't think so.
I know this is your studio,
but it seemed like you did
everything that Valentina demanded.
Why?
I told you, she was our big star.
We needed her.
But audience research showed
that Maria was nearly as popular.
You could have replaced
Valentina with her.
It made her life a lot easier.
Maybe there was
another reason you didn't.
Maybe it's because you and
Valentina were having an affair.
Are you crazy? She'd eat me alive.
Then why do you have her phone?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I turned it off.
State of the art spyware.
Concerned phone's on remotely now.
Did you murder Valentina?
No.
I took her phone after
she died, yes, but that's it.
She had a video of me.
I needed to make sure no-one saw it.
Over your corporate tax, this
significantly reduces our liability.
That's right.
Then let's establish an
analyses and get started.
OK.
You talk about dull.
Why was Andrew so desperate
to get his hands on theirs?
Because they're discussing
some dodgy tax avoidance scheme.
Apparently
he got some massive end-of-year
bill that he couldn't afford to pay,
so he hired a specialist to do a bit of
creative accounting,
hoped he'd save the studio.
Valentina got wind of it,
recorded one of the meetings.
Yeah, and then Valentina
threatened to tell the tax man
if Andrew didn't do
everything she asked of him.
So with her dead, he's free?
Yeah.
Was there anything else on there?
Oh, no, just lots and lots of messages
from other men she'd been seeing.
No wonder Tony was upset.
She had, like, more than five of them
on the go with proper racy stuff as well.
And all you showed me
was some boring tax video.
I know we know about Burton, but there
was also Hilton, Todd, Fisher Wilding.
How do you know that?
Elizabeth Taylor's husband.
Valentina must have
named her lovers after them.
She did. Icon.
We need to have another look on here.
We must be missing something.
Actually, I need to go and
prepare for my live television debut.
- Wish us some fryer.
- Hah?
Fryer tuck.
- What?
- Good luck.
Oh, very good.
Oh, er, I'm just getting a
call from the chocolate factory.
One of the rumpa-lumpas gone missing.
Oh, Frank, can't let
him go on telly like that.
He's supposed to be
giving a tribute to Valentina.
Hey, Tony. Hi. Hello.
You ever heard a little
word about your make-up?
Oh, do I need a bit more?
Many of you, like me, saw
Valentina as a true friend.
She was an integral part of the WSC
family, and we will all miss her terribly.
Looks much better. Well done.
As you know, my wife
was extremely excited
about our 20th birthday
Bonanza promotion.
Our best selling items
with a whopping 20% off.
Valentina was passionate about
bringing you the best possible deal.
So, in her memory, we're going
to knock another 5% off all prices
and throw in one of these Valentina
tribute candles with every purchase.
Really?
We've lost the whole morning, and
we need to hit the channel's target.
Besides, it's what she would have wanted.
Now, in my ultimate way to take
your calls is the lovely Simeon.
Say hello, Simeon.
Hello, Simeon.
He's going to do great, isn't he?
Absolutely.
First up is this
state-of-the-art exercise bike.
Tony, would you like to do the honours?
Ooh.
Now, this model has access to an
online library of over 1,000 workouts.
Or you can simply connect
your phone via Bluetooth
so you can work out
to your favourite tunes.
Tony, what do you fancy? Some soft rock?
Always, Maria.
Oh, that is so smooth.
Just like the music.
Now, this bike normally retails at
£299, and we're offering it for £199.99.
- But today, with your £25,000 discount
- What is he doing?
I think Simeon wants them to go over.
No, no, you can't. We're live.
Okay, stay tight on Tony and Maria.
Just over £12 a month.
I mean, that's cheaper than
a gym membership, isn't it?
A gym membership?
I'm sold. I've got to get one of these.
I think I know who the killer is.
We're also throwing in the passport
wallet and matching luggage tags.
Is that a bargain or what?
Well, especially with
that extra discount.
Now, our next item isn't just a razor.
It's a 15-in-1 total grooming system.
You're doing brilliantly.
Remember, it comes with
all these attachable tools.
What are they doing now?
Uh, we need to talk to
you about Valentina's death.
I'm about to be on camera.
What? You think I killed her?
Well, she did destroy your drain.
What, been a presenter on a
low-budget shopping channel?
No, Maria. Look up the dream (?)
and the tea are cool.
Shall we go somewhere quieter?
Over to another of our bestsellers and a
favourite for all you campers out there.
Isn't that right, Maria?
Maria, you look very different.
Have you changed your hair?
- We are. They all go in the
- I'm just having a joke with you.
Maria's had to step off for a moment,
so joining us now for the next item
is my good friend, Lu.
Read it.
Oh, a bestseller for sure.
Let's talk about bearable,
wearable sleeping bags.
What does Fabian have to
do with Valentina's death?
He's the mysterious Burton
she was having an affair with.
Yeah, at first we were having
trouble making the connection,
but luckily, Sebastian here is as much a
fan of the silver screen
as Valentina was.
She named her lovers after
the husbands of Elizabeth Taylor
and Richard Burton famously
starred in the film Cleopatra,
which is also the name
of Fabian's garage.
I think that's a bit of a stretch.
Yeah, that's what I thought until
we found this.
Valentina's phone?
Yeah, we called up Burton
on it and guess who answered?
Fabian.
He had a lot to say about you, how he
couldn't accept the fact he'd split up,
how you became obsessed
with finding out why he left you,
and then you realised he was
seeing Valentina, didn't you?
And you decided she needed to pay.
It's a great theory, but unless
you have any hard evidence,
I really need to get back to that.
You know, for someone who takes
such good care of their vocal chords,
I thought it was strange to see you
in the smoking shed the other day.
So I asked Frank and Lu to
take a look at the cigarette bin.
Yeah, they did, didn't they?
And it's not the nicest place to
root around, but then we found these.
I wonder what the police will find when
they check them for DNA and prints.
We've been planning our wedding
since school, me and Fabian.
The only reason I took this
job, so we could save more.
Then a few months ago, he just went cold,
called off the engagement, moved out.
Wouldn't even take my calls.
I knew it was another
woman, but I never imagined
It was after the menopause
segment disaster.
I went to Valentina's dressing room
and I was going to beg her to let me
help with the birthday bonanza launch.
I found her on the phone.
Fabian, you can look
under my hood any day.
My Fabian. I couldn't believe it.
Ciao.
So you're the other woman?
How could you?
Well, you tried stealing
my presenting job.
So I stole your man.
This is about work.
Do you even love him?
Of course not, darling.
It's just a bit of fun.
You know what he meant to me.
We were getting married.
Oh, no, no.
I didn't tell him to leave you.
That was all him.
He realised he didn't want to be
stuck with you for the rest of his life.
Not once he knew what he was missing.
I'm looking forward to trying your cake.
See you on set.
Valentina had a problem
with her stupid cart
and I gave her Fabian's
details just to be nice.
Valentina spotted my hand
cream when I first started
and she went mad because
it had almond oil in it.
Banned it from the building.
But I still had it in my car.
You knew someone at the
studio was sabotaging Valentina.
You hoped they'd also be
blamed for tampering with the cake.
Which is why you begged
Andrew to keep us on the kiss.
I was going to retrieve
it after we finished today.
Dispose of them properly.
So I will leave them back.
Oh, I don't think so.
GO!
That just looks so comfy.
And it's practical too, isn't it?
Yes, Tony.
And it's actually very lightweight.
Tony.
So it doesn't just
have to be for camping.
You could wear this around
the house on the school run,
even for popping out the shops.
Well, I don't know about the shops, Tony.
It's a bit warm in here and
can't actually move much.
But I love the colour.
Oh, Lu, you're a hoot.
I bet you can't wait to take
one of these home, can you?
- Give me that bag!
- Oh, my dead body.
- Can you give her ideas?
- Maria?
You saw them, Maria.
No!
Valentina was an evil cow.
She bullied everyone.
She slept with anything that moved.
She didn't care who she hurt.
I did the world a favour.
My game's ruined.
Ah!
And, thank goodness, this model
comes with an automatic shut-off.
It's actually much more
practical than it looks, Tony.
Giving it a thumbs up.
Don't know if you can see that.
I honestly don't know how you lot do it.
It's a mixture of sheer
stupidity and dumb luck.
I think you'll find it's called good
old-fashioned detective work.
Isn't that right, Sebastian?
Yes.
And, actually, it was pretty
obvious if you knew where to look.
You too now, is it?
Just what I need.
Hey, Keeler, need any pointers?
Just give us a call.
LAUGHTER
Oh, I'm so sorry about
ruining your programme.
Are you kidding?
The sales figures
have been off the chart.
The Channel are thrilled.
Hey, forget promotions.
That you just unveiled
Keeler's live on air.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, guys?
Guys?
I'm going to need some
help getting out of this
I can't believe you've got it on again.
It's actually really comfy.
You just have to be
a little bit thanked (?).
A bit creative if you
need a wee, you know?
Mm.
Oh, oh, it's on.
Seb, turn it up.
Oh, it looks different.
Not just a make-up.
Yeah.
Did I tell you?
He sold Valentina's fancy car, gave
the money to Andrew to pay the tax bill.
Here she comes.
Jane, this looks like a
complicated bit of kit.
Oh, actually, Tony, it's so easy.
Even you could do it.
Oh, look, she's a natural.
I like you.
You know, we may nearly have
been head-strimmed to death,
but I'm so glad Andrew finally
recognised Jane's potential.
Yeah, according to the forums,
the viewers are really enjoying seeing
somebody like them on
screen, somebody real.
Mm.
Still don't know where to stand
in the booth, though, have they?
No.
It's, um, funny, you should say.
I've actually been
offered that job full-time.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, we have been talking, and, um
Yeah, but we were
thinking maybe we could pay
for you to do the professional
investigator course.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You did really well on this case, we
wouldn't have cracked it without you.
We just thought you might like
the chance to hone your skills.
I mean, we can't pay you any more money,
but we can hire someone to cover the
phones and that while you're studying.
Would I, um, get a new job title?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, executive, investigative, assistant.
Joven, my stars be
praised, I'd be honoured.
You know, I think my
place might always be
with Shakespeare and
Hathaway and Brudenell.
Brudenell, Shakespeare and
Hathaway, it's got a ring to it.
We don't need to talk about billing now.
I need to work out where I'll put my desk,
switch that, buy some business cards.
Yes, inch.
I think we've created a monster.
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