Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e09 Episode Script

First off, the district super
appreciates you cutting off
your winter vacation
short to be here to help.
Some of us sacrificed
actual vacations too.
Not just sitting on a tiny couch
watching TV for ten
days, Janine. [SCOFFS]
Okay, how dare you? I also
played on my iPad. So
Janine, I thought we
talked about iPad time.
Yo, what games do you play?
- Um, I like
- Simon, focus.
How much longer can
we expect to be here?
- Just like five to ten more minutes.
- [AVA] But
Oh, you mean the mall? Okay.
They sent an official timeline.
"While we don't have an official
timeline, we assure you "
- So, you don't know?
- No idea.
But we're gonna make this work, right?
- There's no kitchen
- [ALL GROAN]
but we're gonna be
delivering delicious lunches.
Food delivery? That's treading
on Gregory's other job, buddy.
Okay, can we just get [BLEEP]
inside? It's freezing out here.
For sure. And we got mad essentials
to make you feel right at home.
What does your home look like, Simon?
Yep. Nope. That's it.
Won't do it. I quit.
Damn. Janice stole my idea.
- Janine quit?
- Janice quit.
- Janice.
- Damn.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
Has anyone seen the printer?
Uh, I put it in that room I think
used to be a Bed Bath & Beyond.
No, it was a Sam Goody.
Then, it was a Sharper Image
then it was a Sam Goody again,
then it was a Bath & Body Works.
I spent a lot of time
here when I was a teen.
Also, my twenties.
I was cool.
I mean, come on now.
Guys! This isn't that bad. I really
think it's gonna be a fresh start.
I don't know if fresh is the
word I'd use for this place.
Certainly got that
late-stage capitalism charm,
which should serve as
a constant reminder of
The magic of the free market.
Now you probably have a lot of questions
like how did I find time to procure
an abandoned mall and get my nails done.
Ava, we have more pressing problems.
Oh, look, I made a pun.
How are we supposed to teach here?
Look, you think there's brand-new
schools begging to be filled?
Empty college campuses? Or
closed for-profit prisons?
- You tried to put the school in a prison?
- I said they were closed, Janine.
Now look, believe me when I say
this is the best we could get.
It was between this or a
haunted open-air train station.
Now they wouldn't admit
it was haunted, but I knew.
I don't understand why
we can't just do Zoom
- 'Cause we tried that and it was trash.
- Are you out of your [BLEEP] mind?
Let's tie him up.
- Yeah!
- Whoa.
Hey, hey, hey! Give him
a break. He didn't know.
Dom, that was a stupid idea.
Now there's a lot to be done,
so y'all better get to it.
Especially you, Mr. Johnson.
The kids arrive on Monday.
- And where you off to?
- To do the most important job of all.
Find my new office.
Looks like I'm gonna need a bigger mop.
All right, everybody. Come
on, heads up, shoulders back.
I've been through this before in '96.
- I wasn't even born yet.
- Dom, no one likes when you do that.
Barb, I feel you, but it
is literally raining inside.
In '96, it was a
snowmelt from a blizzard
that flooded the Abbott halls.
We had to teach out
of trailers for a week.
Well, if I've learned something
from those 30-day challenges,
it's that you can do
anything for a week.
We don't know how long
this is gonna take.
Yeah. And we don't need to focus
on how long it's going to take, Gregory.
What we need to do is get
these classrooms together
and make sure they're safe.
Oh. They'll be safe.
But it wasn't when me and
my crew ran this place.
The Dangerous Damsels, they called us.
- The Double D's.
- Oh, my God.
If you could fit the
bra, you ruled the mall.
[CHUCKLES, SNORTS]
Yeah, you wouldn't have
known what to do with me.
We still don't.
You know what?
I wanna make sure that it doesn't
feel like our students have
been ripped from their safe space
and thrown into an abandoned mall.
Well, I feel you, mama, but
that's exactly what's happened.
No, I know, but it doesn't
have to feel that way.
We can make this place
just as warm as Abbott.
Okay. Hands in.
Abbott on three, Abbott on me.
Hands in.
All right. Littles on the top floor.
Olders, down below. Come on, everybody.
- Chop-chop. Let's go.
- Okay.
You know what, what the hell? Sure.
- Abbott on three.
- Abbott.
Forgot the on three.
I'm just trying to catch some
of Janine's positive vibes
instead of catching sinusitis.
I'm not gonna lie. I
can see why Janice quit.
I could smell why too.
It smell crazy in here.
- Hey.
- Where have you been?
I've been waiting for
you to set up the Wi-Fi.
There's, like, 20 entrances
and your text was pretty vague.
What's vague about, "Find me"?
So, this is your new office?
When I was a kid, I used to dream
about living in a Circuit City.
It just seemed so cool. An
entire city made of circuits.
You're lucky you're beautiful.
And, no, I can't thrive here.
Something about this
place makes my ears hurt.
I think it used to be a Claire's.
All these places look like New Jersey.
Where's a Rainforest Cafe?
[SIGHS]
Hey. What's up, man? You all right?
Yeah, just finished decorating.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, you're
having a wild first year.
Okay, thank you. Because
this is wild, right?
Oh, yeah, definitely. I
just came through the window.
How are they gonna put us in a
dead mall with no chalkboards,
no windows, no cubbies, and
just be, like, business as usual?
Like, am I crazy?
No. No, I feel you fully.
This is a lot. Kids are about to learn
long division in an abandoned Hollister.
- [SCOFFS]
- But, unfortunately,
it is extremely on-brand.
You getting the crash course in
the Philly public school system.
Anything can happen at any time.
Damn.
All right, I'm gonna see if
anybody claimed the PacSun.
You hang in there. All right now.
Oh, yeah. I know every
inch of those changing rooms
and not 'cause I was
trying clothes on in 'em.
Nope, nope, stop right there.
Hey, this dog could hunt.
[LIGHT BUZZING]
Oh, yeah. This is
perfect for my classroom.
- I call this one.
- What?
- No, I want this one.
- Too bad.
You can have the Hot Topic
a quarter mile that way.
Just don't ask what the
stains on the ceiling are.
Ew, gross, no.
Plus, that-that place is scary.
It reminds me of my
lost year as a Juggalo.
Too bad. This one's mine.
Is there anything about my
life you'd find interesting?
Huh?
- Hey, Barb. Hey.
- Hey, Janine.
Oh, I see. You're going
for a minimalist vibe.
Utilitarian vibrations, nothing
but the nuts and bolts for me.
I have rearranged my lesson plan in
anticipation of the students being
more restless than usual, and
it's closest to the restroom.
Well, I was thinking since
we can't be at Abbott,
what if we recreated some
of the Abbott magic here?
- Ah.
- Yeah.
So, I printed out these fake windows
to make it feel more like my classroom,
and I'm working on
replicating the Abbott scent
with a concoction of
cinnamon and burnt hair.
- Let me know if you want a bottle.
- No, sweetheart, that won't be necessary.
I'm just working on the
bare necessities. [CHUCKLES]
Ah. [CHUCKLES] The Bare Necessities.
- A five, a six, a five, six, seven
- No, please, stop!
I do not like Baloo or any
of that bear's philosophy.
I get that. All right.
Well, let me know if you need
help sprucing up this place
because I have some extra silks
that would be really great
for this harsh lighting.
[LULLABY MUSIC PLAYS, STOPS]
Maybe we just keep this
switch taped down, right?
[JACOB] They say Rome
wasn't built in a day,
but I guess you could
build a school in a few.
So, what the hell do the
Romans even know anyway?
I'm glad you asked
that because, you know,
they actually knew quite a bit.
Um, democracy, for starters.
Aqueducts. That's all Roman. Um
[MELISSA] We have been busting butt
12 hours a day trying to get ready.
Honestly, I think I'm in as good a shape
as I was when I used to run this place.
If Benny Bonzo could see me now.
I just put on my headphones,
hit play on my Rage
Against the Machine CD,
and I start cleaning in the name of me.
[BARBARA] Look, clearly it
wasn't designed to be a school,
but we're making it work.
[JANINE] It's not perfect.
But we crushed it.
Oh. [STAMMERS] Okay.
We are ready to welcome
the kids to the new Abbott.
I cannot wait to see the
kids' reactions to this place.
Imagine getting to learn in a mall.
- An abandoned mall, sweetheart.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi. Good morning.
[ECHOING SHOUTING]
Anybody else hearing that?
[STUDENTS CLAMORING IN DISTANCE]
Ava, at what entrance did you tell
the parents to drop off their kids?
The big one with the
glass doors, obviously.
You just described every
entrance in the place.
I know 'cause I used to
escape out of all of them.
[STUDENTS CLAMORING]
Slow down!
Oh [BLEEP].
Children, find your teachers,
and they'll take you to your
Whoa. Mall school is crazy!
- Think fast, Trey!
- [STUDENTS SCREAMING]
Watch out, Ms. Teagues!
Oops.
I know this will be
different for all of you.
We're in a new place with
new sights and sounds,
and it will be challenging.
But we're not gonna
be throwing backpacks
and mannequins across the atrium, okay?
Just think of this as
an extension of Abbott.
If you can do it there,
you can't do it here.
A dead mall is a testament to the
natural end of corporate greed.
So don't think of this
as a crummy old building.
Think of it as money's corpse.
But I think the mall
can be even more fun
than regular school
'cause it's a blank canvas.
It's a new chapter.
I think we can make this
something really special.
I know this all might
feel like it's too much,
but just know, together,
we're unstoppable.
Now, who's with me?
So, this is the one?
One hundred percent.
And you're sure?
Did you never learn
percentages at computer school?
All right. I'll get the,
uh, router set up then.
Again.
For the third time.
Don't just plug these
things in, and they work
Dia is gonna love this.
Portia? Nope.
Aston?
No. Kia?
Damn, Mr. C. Everybody
drove themselves off the lot.
DeAndre?
[DEANDRE SHAKILY] Present.
I said present.
[SIGHS]
- Ms. Schemmenti.
- Yeah?
Are you missing an
unusual amount of students?
A lot of them seem to be
getting lost or distracted
on the way over, but I
can't say that I blame 'em.
The mall is calling.
Kawhi, aren't you
supposed to be in English?
I've been all over
upstairs trying to find it.
The one time I actually did the reading.
Well, you need to get
back there and find it.
Uh-uh. I'm tired. I'm staying here.
Wait. What class is this?
Math.
Damn.
All right, what else do
animals do in the winter?
- Monique.
- May I go to the bathroom?
Oh, yeah, sure. Do you
remember how to get there?
- Mm-mmm.
- Okay,
you're gonna make a left
when you get out of here
and go past the Journeys.
You're gonna make a right,
right down that second hallway.
After that, um
How about a class trip to
the bathroom, everybody?
- Yeah!
- [JANINE] Yeah.
Hey, guys. Hi. Where's Mrs. Howard?
All right, next up.
- Barb. Is everything okay?
- Yeah?
Well, none of the littles
can reach the toilet.
In fact, you might just make it.
So each one has to be lifted up
one at a time in order
to use the facilities.
One at a time? You serious?
- That's gonna take forever.
- Yeah, we've been here 45 minutes.
How are we ever gonna
get through our lessons
if we spend half the day at the potty?
Sweetheart, it is what it is.
Okay now, who's up next?
- Let's go. There you go, baby.
- Um, okay,
Monique, since you were the one
who needed to use the bathroom
I don't need to go anymore.
Are you sure? 'Cause you
said you needed to go.
All right. Uh, my class,
who needs to go first?
[MR. JOHNSON] I do.
No, no, Mr. Johnson, you need to wait.
- For how long?
- I don't know. An hour?
In an hour, I have to go again,
- so I'ma go twice right now.
- What?
[STUDENTS CLAMORING]
Class, please. Come on, y'all.
I-I need everybody to sit down.
Just-Just sit down.
- Stop it. Stop. Put that down.
- Hey!
Calm down. Mr. Clark is in charge.
This is testing me.
- What?
- I said this is testing me!
Saying this is destiny?
- What about me?
- No. Not you, Destiny.
I feel like I'm being tested!
Oh, yeah, for sure.
But they'll settle down.
Look, don't be afraid to be a
little bit more stern with 'em.
Hey!
Quiet!
You'll be all right.
Oh, that wasn't a lie. It was
a It was encouragement, right?
A future truth. We will all be good.
Probably.
Look, man, sometimes,
you just gotta lie.
I swear if I don't get some
caffeine soon, I'ma strangle someone.
Oh, there's coffee. Good.
How is it only lunchtime
on the first day?
Somebody answer me!
I hear you loud and clear, sis.
[CHUCKLES] Classrooms are so far apart,
the kids are just roaming
around the mall. [CHUCKLES]
I clocked 30,000 steps
trying to track 'em down.
I wish I still had my Heelys.
A Juggalo with Heelys?
Wait, you were a Juggalo?
I've never actually seen one.
What? How is that possible?
I'm Black. So
I see the new space hasn't stopped
y'all from constantly complaining.
I got nothing but peace and
quiet over at Santa's workshop.
Look, I think we just
need our lunchtime reset,
and then we'll be good
to go. Right, guys?
Hey, we got a situation out
here. We need all hands on deck.
- What's going on?
- Y'all heard him.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- [JACOB] Yeah.
- Geez, okay.
I don't do emergencies.
[STUDENTS CLAMORING]
- These lunches suck!
- Yeah, I'm not eating this cold slop.
Hey, I understand you're upset,
but y'all cannot act like this.
Look, we have got to keep it together.
Hey, do not throw that
What is that?
I know that the lunches have
traveled a bit further than usual,
but I'm sure the district
sent you your normal lunches.
[SCOFFS] Oh, yeah? What is this then?
- Chicken?
- Tripe. It looks like tripe.
Dominic, found these
two trying to leave.
Luckily, they got distracted
by the claw machine by the exit.
- These yours?
- They're mine.
I didn't even realize.
Come on, y'all, you know
you cannot leave school.
We don't have to listen to you.
You're barely a teacher and
this isn't a real school.
Hey, that trash can was defenseless.
- Okay, this is a real mall
- A real school.
School. This is a real school in a
real mall, and we have real rules!
Oh, please. Fake mall, fake school.
[CHANTING] Fake school.
Fake school. Fake school.
- Fake school.
- Fake school.
Fake school. Fake school. Fake school.
- Fake school. Fake school. Fake school.
- Real school. Real school. Real school.
- Real school.
- Fake school.
- Fake school.
- I can't do this.
Fake school. Fake school. Fake school.
- Ms. Teagues, I think I had an accident.
- Fake school. Fake school.
Fake school. Fake school.
Fake school. Fake school.
Fake school. Fake school.
That's okay. That's okay.
'Cause accidents happen, right?
So, we're just gonna go
get you your extra clothes.
Fake school. Fake school.
That I definitely forgot
to bring over from Abbott.
Fake school. Fake school. Fake school.
Fake school. Fake school. Fake school.
Fake school. Fake school. Fake school.
Enough!
Now, these may not be
the lunches that you want,
but for today, it is food
and this is what we've got.
The choice is yours.
Eat or don't eat, but we will
be working to improve them.
Teachers, over here.
Now, listen up.
We may have, as the young people
say, been presented with an L
and even an MNOP, but we
cannot let it defeat us.
- This mall is not Abbott.
- But it can be.
It cannot, and we cannot
pretend that it ever will be.
The district may have abandoned us here,
but we cannot abandon our students.
- [WHISPERS] She's so good at this.
- I am speaking.
[STAMMERS]
This is our new reality, people.
And until the students are settled
in, no more lunching in the lounge.
I need everybody out
here focused and helping.
- Yeah, you tell 'em, Barb.
- Ava, you are the principal.
Your office should be
somewhere near the entrance
and not tucked away in
some Santa's playhouse.
[SCOFFS] Somebody is off the nice list.
Everyone needs to be thinking about
the sacrifices that must be made
if we are gonna make it through this.
Janine, take off your
rose-colored glasses.
Dom, suck it up.
- Melissa, hair looks good, girl.
- Yes.
Morton, put on some deodorant.
Oh, he's not here. No.
That may actually be me. I
switched to a natural deodorant.
[MELISSA] They don't work, man.
You know, as much as I
wanted this transition
to feel seamless and normal, it's not.
Constantly trying to go up an
escalator that's not moving,
and you realize it's just stairs.
It does a number on a person.
You're coloring it? Go
ahead, take out your thing.
But we need to learn to
embrace this mall, you know.
Make it work for us, not against us.
All right, everyone, remember,
from now on, when class is over,
you will stay in the classroom,
and the teachers will rotate to you.
- [STUDENT] Got it.
- Get your ass back in class.
Got it.
We're a pretty good dynamic duo.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
The new Double D's.
[SUCKS TEETH] Yeah, you're
never gonna replace Veronica.
Not with those hips.
Okay, everybody. Chapter seven.
So, I found these in the old shoe store,
and I put them in front
of the toilets and the sink
so that you guys can finally
reach without any help.
See? The bathroom made easy again.
Hey, I was making a fort with those.
Okay.
You know, all my fellow
teachers really showed up for me.
And now, I'm gonna show up for my kids.
Hey, so, y'all like
that claw machine, huh?
Yeah.
Is it this claw machine?
- Yeah.
- [DOMINIC] Yeah? Good.
'Cause I'm gonna throw it off the roof.
I'm big enough to do it too.
And I'm not gonna get in any trouble
'cause we're in an abandoned mall.
- No.
- [DOMINIC] Yeah.
If y'all ever wanna see it
again, you will show up to class,
take out your worksheets
and you will do what I say.
Is that clear?
- Yeah.
- I said, is that clear?
Yes.
Good. Let's get to work.
I feel good.
I got this now, yeah. Shout-out
to Gregory for the advice.
Just had to get stern.
Listen, I said stern, and he chose that,
but at the end of the day, you
Look, I don't know, man. We in a
[BLEEP] mall. He ain't quit though.
He's figuring it out.
[AVA] That's better.
Now it actually looks like my office.
I think this actually
used to be my office.
I worked at Abercrombie
back when they enforced
their good-looks policy.
So, you're gonna be good here?
Well, now I'll be honest, it
was better at Santa's workshop,
but this works.
It's more accessible for the students
and the teachers and
better for the school.
Whatever. It's closer to the exit
so I can dip out after
the fourth period bell.
You mean the final bell.
Right.
Look at all this junk.
They really be leaving
so much crap behind.
This was no Abercrombie.
This is expensive-ass designer clothes.
Oh. That's what it was.
I also used to be a model in this store.
Well, get them abs out of retirement
because we about to be rich.
All right, everybody ready?
- Yeah.
- [JANINE] So, Barbara was right again.
We can't just turn this
place into Abbott Elementary.
But like Janine said,
we can do our best to bring a
little bit of its magic here.
All set down here.
Yep. Drop it, Ms. Howard.
Students, are you ready
to see what you made?
- Yeah.
- All right.
[STUDENTS] Yeah! [CHEERING]
I love our school.
Okay, calm down. It's just handprints.
Wow.
[AVA] Hey, Dia.
How you enjoying the new office?
What the hell is this?
It's for you. You're my little helper.
Don't want the people getting confused.
[BELLS JINGLE]
Put the hat on, Dia.
You know what? I don't think so.
- Don't be ridiculous. Put it on.
- Absolutely not.
You gonna look silly with
just those pointy shoes.
The hat completes the outfit.
I quit.
What?
All right, I can't afford to quit,
but I'm taking my vacation days.
You call me when you
back at the real school.
Dia, get back here so I can fire you.
Dia! Dia!