Ghosts (2021) s05e09 Episode Script

1
-Ooh, what's going on?
-Uh, Sam and Jay
are on high alert for another
Christmas possession,
so they're playing it safe
and not
going near
any electronics this year.
Which I'm trying
not to take personally.
I'm the reason
your mother-in-law
likes you now, you ingrate.
MARK:
So you just want me
to plug this
-Christmas village in?
-SAMANTHA: Uh-huh.
-That's right.
-Better safe than sorry.
This puppy draws
a lot of current.
You know I'm gonna have to
charge you my regular rate.
Plus the holiday surcharge.
Yes, we are aware of that.
Alberta, what are you doing?
I'm getting behind Mark in case
he gets shocked and thrown back.
You're trying to possess him?
But this is our first
Christmas together as a couple.
Oh, we'll be together.
I'll just be in Mark.
Man, it would be so cool
to possess someone.
I've had the munchies
for, like, half a century.
I'm a pacifist but I'd
murder somebody for a Pringle.
Okay, here goes nothing.
Mm
Huh.
Damn it!
Mama wanted a Sazerac.
Okay, so I'll send
you guys a bill.
-Merry Christmas, Mark.
-Mm-hmm.
-Look, Trevor, way in the back.
-Mm?
The orthodontist has
a little menorah in the window.
TREVOR: I want to say that's
an offensive stereotype,
but he looks a lot like
Dr. Rosenblatt.
♪
NANCY: This dope.
Furiously buying
gifts on December 23rd
that can be here by tomorrow.
It's like this every year.
When's he gonna learn?
Okay, you are not
gonna believe this.
I just got off the phone
with the publisher, and
apparently, a booker
on All Day USA
listened to
my Todd Pod interview,
and he wants to
include my book in a segment
on last-minute gift ideas.
(gasps) It's crazy
how long some people wait.
He didn't get you
the Jenni Kayne sweater
'cause it was already sold out.
Hope you enjoy
your Best Buy gift card.
Samantha, this is huge
for our book.
Me-- a stocking stuffer.
Huzzah!
This is incredible, babe.
I'm so proud of you.
And we ghosts shall be able
to witness the interview
in person, for it shall
take place here,
in the mansion that I built.
I mean, you didn't actually
do any of the labor.
I married the man
that signed the checks
that paid for the gruel
that fueled
those young child workers.
Hm. Sort of a sad little
nursery rhyme.
I'm so nervous and so excited.
I mean, national television.
What am I gonna wear?
Maybe see what they have
at the women's department
at Best Buy.
(instrumental "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas" playing)
It's so cozy.
Everyone has hot cocoa
in Christmastown.
Mm. Even that baby.
That don't seem safe.
-Hm.
-Thor have questions.
It about gift for Flower.
ALBERTA: What the hell?
Whoa. Did I do that?
Step back for a second, Thor.
I want to see something.
Okay, now come closer again.
-(gasps)
-Whoa.
This is wild.
Thor, your ghost power
must be interacting
with the electrical grid
in Christmastown.
Yes. Thor feel power
surging through body.
-Ow!
-(laughs)
Okay, let's get you
away from this thing
before you burn down
the whole house.
Yeah.
Wait, what were you asking?
Something about a
Christmas gift for Flower?
Yeah, I really want to wow her,
but not know what to get.
Well, what'd
you get her last year?
Coupon for intercourse.
And candle.
So, yeah, bar set pretty high.
Okay. Has Flower mentioned
anything in particular
that she wants?
Mm, world peace.
And also food.
She often mention how she have
munchies for many years.
ALBERTA: Well, unfortunately,
there's no way to enjoy food
or Sazeracs
short of possessing a Living.
-Mm.
-Interesting.
So, you're saying
Thor should help Flower
possess Living for Christmas.
(scoffs quietly) I mean,
if you could pull that off,
that'd be a pretty amazing gift.
Yes!
Then it is decided.
Thor will get Flower in Living
for Christmas.
And sex coupon.
'Cause tradition.
-Hello, all.
-(all exclaim)
Every time.
You have got to learn
how to enter a room, woman.
Oh, I see it's not just
the downstairs.
This room also
reeks of Christmas.
-What are you so upset about?
-Uh, the tree,
the decorations,
the general merriment
that is so clearly afoot.
Wait, the merriment is a foot?
Huh. So Steven Stills
had a merriment fetish.
I'm confused.
Don't Puritans love Christmas?
Puritans love Christmas?
Oh, I would laugh, t'were that
not a trick the devil uses
to enter thine body.
No, there's only one proper way
to celebrate Christmas.
Which is not at all.
You see, Puritans believed that
to revel was a gateway to sin.
Buckle up, it's time for another
depressing history lesson.
So, on Christmas,
there was no mirth in sight.
Shops remained open,
work continued unabated,
and you would be fined
for doing anything
even close to celebrating.
Ah, 'twas wonderful.
Well you've given us all
a lot to think about.
And then came the tinsel.
Oh, it's still going. Fun!
How you feeling, babe--
you ready?
-Today's the big day.
-I'm freaking out, Jay.
You should be nervous.
This interview
is huge for both of us.
(chuckles weakly)
National television.
Thousands of people
could be watching.
-It could be millions.
-My God.
The 13 colonies
must be bursting at the seams.
Hey, you got this, babe.
And you can
put the toothbrush down.
The mayor's car is clean.
Hey, why do you think
he drives such a fancy car?
You think he's taking bribes
for permits?
"Peppermits"?
(giggles)
-Is this helping, Sam?
-No.
I'm sorry, Jay, I just really
need to collect my thoughts.
All right, but you're gonna
do great, babe.
-You think?
-I know it.
Oh. "Peppermits."
That's-that's good.
Yeah, I get it.
Sam, you got moment?
-She's kind of in a mood.
-I'm a little
-busy, Thor.
-THORFINN: Just need little help
with Flower gift.
Want to ask your opinion.
I'm sure whatever
you have in mind is perfect.
Okay, but Thor want to tell you
and then have extensive
conversation where you tell Thor
-how you feel about idea.
-You know what, Thor,
why don't you just
let us all be surprised
so we can experience the gift,
whatever it is,
along with Flower.
Yes. Great idea, Isaac.
Surprise Flower. Surprise me.
-And have a merry Christmas.
-THORFINN: Okay.
And, um Flower!
Come in here.
Oh, it's happening right now.
Hey, Thor, what's up?
Stand there. By Samantha.
Okay.
(grunting softly)
What's going on?
Thor?
Merry Christmas, Flower!
Oh dear.
Whoa.
Am I wearing a bra?
Hey, who shaved my pits, man?
SAMANTHA:
Okay, something very weird
is going on.
Is it less pink in here?
(sniffs)
Does it smell
less like patchouli?
Flower, you are inside of Sam.
This giant animal used
his ghost power
to channel electricity
from the Christmas village
and hurl Sam's body through you,
thus resulting in yet another
Christmas possession.
(gasps)
Thor, you did that for me?
Aw.
No! Not "aw."
Samantha has a very important
interview about our book
and we need you
out of her body, posthaste.
Interview? Uh, Thor
not know about interview.
Thor, what did you do?
-Samantha?
-Yeah, it's me.
And you're in big trouble.
But you tell Thor
to surprise you.
Yes, because I didn't
think you meant this.
Okay, so you were surprised.
Sort of seem like
mission accomplished.
Now that that misunderstanding
is cleared up,
-we can take care of this.
-Right.
Okay, Flower, I'm gonna
drive you over the boundary
and get you out of my body.
Wait. Flower have munchies
for many years.
Please just let her
eat one thing.
Make Thor's
Christmas gift complete.
(sighs) Fine.
Flower, you can have one thing.
But then I want my body back,
and I can't keep saying this
every Christmas.
(sighs)
Okay, Flower,
it's your time to shine.
(grunts)
Whoa. Did it used to be
more pink in here?
Flower, take bite of cookie
and satisfy munchies.
Okay.
Mmm.
Wow.
That is so good.
What's going on?
Flower possess Sam,
part of very generous
Christmas gift from Thor.
(grunts)
Okay.
Flower, you've had your fun,
but it's time to go.
How long has she been in there?
-Couple of minutes.
-What? That's not long enough.
ISAAC:
Samantha has a very important
interview in an hour
-and she needs to focus.
-NANCY: An hour?
That's plenty of time.
Flower, listen to me.
Run to the light
and shut the door behind you.
No, no, there's not time
(grunts)
Whoa.
Hey, Nancy.
How's it going?
Please excuse my hairless pits.
Okay, Nancy, you're not
being helpful right now.
I'm just looking after my girl.
When you possessed that workman
back in the 1800s,
you were in that dude for days.
What I do inside a of dude
is none of your business.
-Oh
-Everyone stop!
This not problem.
Flower can have her fun
then before interview,
she leaves Sam body.
Right, Flower?
Wait.
Where she go?
Flower has absconded
with Sam's body.
Hell yeah! Drive it
like you stole it, Flower.
(laughs): Oh!
Whoo!
You disgust me, fat man.
Oh. Hey, Patience.
Oh, you left just in time.
They're upstairs singing
"The Twelve Days of Christmas."
-I had to get out of there.
-Trevor also
have disdain for the vile
celebration of this holiday?
Well, I didn't want
to say anything in front of
the others. I prefer to let you
corner the wet blanket market.
Oh, thank you.
'Tis kind of my thing.
But, if I'm being honest,
I'm not the biggest fan
of Christmas either.
Really?
I was, like, the only Jewish kid
in my town growing up.
And so, when the holidays rolled
around, I always felt a little
like I didn't belong.
And in elementary school,
every Christmas pageant,
they made me stand up alone and
sing "Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel."
Ugh. Patience understands.
It's like that winter when I was
spared from the great pox
but all of my siblings perished.
Why not me?
Yeah. Um
not exactly the same.
Oh. (chuckles)
Thank you for
talking with me, Trevor.
Patience is enjoying herself.
Yeah.
But not too much, right?
(laughs)
Thou gets it.
So, yeah, Flower's running
around in a brand new Sam suit.
Oh, that lucky son of a bitch.
-Mark, that could have been us.
-(scoffs)
Oh, hi, Mark.
Hey, David.
Is that Woodstone?
That looks amazing.
I helped build it.
We've been working on it
for the last few weeks.
My kid wants to be a contractor,
so we started
with a gingerbread house.
What do we say
after we're done?
-We'll send you an invoice.
-(Jay laughs)
That is so cute.
But you're not really
charging me, right?
-No, it's a gift.
Merry Christmas.
-(door opens)
-(exhales)
-Hi.
Gary from All Day USA.
We're here to interview
Sam Arondekar.
-That's gonna be difficult.
-Great. Well, I'm Jay.
I'm Sam's husband. Uh, yeah,
she was around here. Sam!
(soft chuckle)
Sam!
I'll just go look for her.
Follow the smell
of burning bras.
You'll find her.
Amanda, you're
an amazing person.
And the love that
you put out into the universe
is gonna come back
to you tenfold.
Oh. Wow, thank you.
I had no idea
you were so spiritual.
Yeah, I once slept with
the Dalai Lama's brother.
What is happening right now?
I'd say Samantha
got into my laudanum,
but I don't think it has
that kind of shelf life.
SAMANTHA:
Oh. Hey, Gabe.
How's it going, man?
Good.
Say, listen,
do you know anywhere
that someone
could score around here?
Aw, I just cook.
Oh, come on, Gabe.
I'm cool.
I heard pot's a lot stronger
these days.
I haven't smoked any
since the sixties.
How old are you?
Oh, my God,
the crazy bastard did it.
Flower, is that you?
Yeah, it's me.
Hi, guys.
-What?
-Oh, sorry,
I was just talking to my friend
who used to be a virgin.
But he's invisible to you.
Okay.
I want what you have.
Why is the virgin thing germane?
What is going on?
Thor wanted to help Flower
possess someone for Christmas,
-and I guess he did it.
-Oh
So, can you hook it up or not?
Look, I have something,
but it might
be a little intense.
(scoffs) Dude, I used to party
with Bobby and Jerry.
I hugged a bear after Woodstock
and lived to talk about it.
No, no, you didn't.
The point is I can handle it.
Okay.
It's called Mistletoe.
-Whoa.
-GABE: You just put this
under your tongue
and when you see God,
tell him Gabe said, "What's up?"
-Flower, here comes Jay.
-(gasps)
-Who?
-Um, God?
Our heavenly father?
There you are.
We got to get you
back to the house, Sam.
What are you doing back here?
Oh, I was just
getting drugs from Gabe.
(laughs)
That's hilarious.
Come on, let's go.
We should probably
go watch this.
Oh, hell yeah.
So, then I said to Goody Mather
that I could finish the quilt
by sunrise.
Oh, my candle
did burn low that night.
I love it.
You got that grind mentality.
-You knoweth it.
-I got to say,
Patience, even though
this is not my favorite season,
I'm having a pretty good time.
I guess it's true what they say:
misery loves company.
Oh, indeed.
She also loved making
little corn husk dolls.
And saying the Lord's Prayer.
Misery was a woman
of many hobbies.
(laughs)
You're meshugana.
(gasps)
What's that?
Oh, it's a Yiddish word.
Yiddish is sort of like Hebrew.
I've always had
an interest in Hebrew.
You know, the language He spoke.
Well, I don't really
know that much Hebrew.
I can count to ten.
Oh.
I would very much
like to hear that sometime.
It's cool that you're
so interested in Jewish stuff.
I know a little
about Puritan stuff.
I went on a field trip
to a colonial village
in the fifth grade.
My favorite part:
the butter churning.
-Mm.
-But I could never quite get it.
-The
-Oh.
(laughs): You're not gonna
get butter like that.
No, 'tis less
of a circular motion
and more like this.
One, two, three.
'Tis important to keep a rhythm.
One, two, three.
Perhaps count with me,
in the language of your people.
If that's what you want.
Echad, shtayim, shalosh
Slower.
Echad, shtayim,
shalosh.
I think the butter is firming.
Hell yeah it is.
You know, makeup is just a tool
the patriarchy uses
to keep women down, man.
-Are you okay, babe?
-(chuckles) Oh!
Wow.
Your beard is so soft.
Okay. Thor very happy
you like Christmas present,
but time to let Sam
do interview now, Flower.
And she's asleep.
JAY:
Babe?
They're ready for you, Sam.
(whispers): Sam!
(gasps)
-You ready?
-Yeah, man.
Groovy.
This is gonna be a train wreck.
All right, here we are.
Walter, this is Sam.
Hey.
Walter Storm, All Day USA.
Very nice to meet you.
I had them set us up
here in front of
this gingerbread house.
Pretty cool, huh?
Cool.
Okay.
Babe, you got this.
Someone get him out of the shot.
(grunts)
Jay! Flower's inside me.
-Do something.
-Oh, uh, hey, actually,
can we just have
five more minutes?
Nope. We're live in five,
four, three
(mouthing)
And we're live here with
author Samantha Arondekar
to talk to her about
her historical fiction book
-about vampires.
-(gasps)
Oh, no! Not vampires.
They're scary.
What kind of historical research
did you do for the novel?
-Um, seven.
-What?
Teen.
Seventeen.
I'm sorry?
Tell him you unearthed
previously undiscovered
primary source documents.
I found something in the earth.
Was that good?
Uh, moving on to theme.
What was it about vampires
that, uh, piqued your interest?
Whoa.
Is that a giant cookie house?
(gasps)
What is she doing
to the gingerbread house?
I I don't know.
Thor, the chimney
tastes amazing.
Okay, sweetie,
I think that's enough.
-No
-Hey, get your own
cookie house, man!
Um, Sam
(Samantha grunting)
-It's like watching Godzilla
-Oh!
trample Candy Land.
-Okay. The book is
-No Sam, Sam
Isaac Higgintooth:
Colonial Vampire.
Available online
and at bookstores now.
Pick up yours today.
Impressive composure
under difficult circumstances.
-He's a pro.
-Mm.
SASAPPIS:
You made out with Patience?
There was Hebrew and churning.
Things got out of hand.
We just couldn't stop ourselves.
This is a wild turn of events.
And now
I'm freaking out because,
you know, it's Patience.
Puritans don't
do casual hookups.
She probably thinks
we're engaged now.
Trevor, we need to speak.
I wanted to talketh about
what happened earlier.
About our
sensual union.
-I should go.
-Please stay.
I hath prayed on it, and
I have come to the conclusion
that we cannot be together.
Oh.
I mean
Oh, no.
Why not?
I do not want to hurt you.
But we come from
two different worlds.
I do not think
it could ever work out.
Well, I was hoping
for something serious,
but if that's how you feel
PATIENCE:
I wish there was some other way,
for I am sad as well.
Goodbye, Trevor.
No harm, no foul.
Yeah, except you just
got dumped by Patience.
Any chance
that stays between us?
Well, would it be embarrassing
for you if it got out?
-A little.
-Then no.
-(engine starts)
-JAY: Okay, Sam--
I mean Flower-- here we go.
(grunts)
Oh
Yay!
They're back.
I said I was sorry, Sam.
I don't want to hear it, Flower.
And you.
-I can't believe you, Thor.
-That was not cool, big guy.
Thor very sorry.
But maybe somehow this
help book sales.
Maybe now Sam sort of
Hawk Tuah girl of books.
You guys knew
today was a big deal for me.
Why didn't anyone
do anything to help?
Oh, but Samantha,
what could we do?
-We're ghosts.
-You know we love you, Sam.
We screwed up.
But can we just get to the part
where you forgive us and we can
all have a Merry Christmas?
No.
Not this time.
Because that interview aired.
And just like you guys,
it'll be around forever.
Don't know why we need to
drag our immortality into this.
Babe, let's just go to sleep
and calm down.
-And tomorrow's another day.
-Exactly.
It's another day
of living with this curse.
Another chance for a ghost
to ruin something
that's important to me.
God, I wish I had never
gotten this power.
I wish I had never
been able to see ghosts.
Did Flower at least
like Christmas gift?
(gasps)
What'd you get me?
You don't remember
possessing Sam?
What?
No. Oh, but that
would have been amazing.
I have had the munchies
for, like, 50 years.
♪
Jay?
Hey, guys.
Oh.
Okay, I see.
Giving me the silent treatment?
(exclaims)
Don't mind Thor,
Thor not sitting there.
What the hell?