Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e10 Episode Script

1
All right, so then,
five times four is what?
- Yes.
- Twenty.
Twenty. Correct. Good job.
[STUDENTS SCREAMING]
[STAMMERS] Look, look.
Look away. Look away.
It's okay, he'll be gone soon.
So, back when this
mall was up and running,
a giant Ben Franklin head would
drop down every hour on the hour
and welcome you to the mall.
Switch must have gotten hit
by accident, and so he's back.
We don't know how to stop it.
It's truly terrifying,
but I do like hearing
about the old deals
for the stores that used to be here.
[ADVERTISEMENT VOICE] In this world,
nothing can be certain
except death, taxes,
and this week's Back
to School sale at Sears.
- [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
- Okay? See? Nothing to be scared of.
No. No.
[ADVERTISEMENT VOICE] Remember,
a penny saved is a penny earned
- Come back here. Come back! Please!
- so spend it all at Sears.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
- [PARENT 1] What's going on?
- [PARENT 2] I'm worried.
This neighborhood is just as
safe as Abbott's, if not safer.
Hey, Ryan. Go ahead, take a seat.
We'll get started soon, okay?
Actually, I have some questions for you.
When are we getting back into Abbott?
Uh, well, there was a lot of damage.
So, they're just trying to make sure
it's all safe before we head back in.
And when is the breakfast
program coming back?
We're-We're still working on that.
And when are we getting the
new school bus schedules?
I understand your concerns.
Mm-mmm. Who chose this
school as the new location?
How is this going to
affect state testing?
And my son said there's ghosts.
Why haven't you busted them?
[STAMMERS] Okay, all great questions.
And I promise you, we are working very
hard to get this all figured out, so
[GRUNTS]
Fine, I'll hold.
Still trying to get
answers from the district,
deal with exit paperwork,
get some new teachers in here,
start a breakfast program,
get that giant head to stop coming down
and I still got to sell those designer
clothes that I found in those boxes.
Ugh, maybe women can't have it all.
[MELISSA LAUGHS]
[JACOB] I don't know if she realizes it,
but since we've been at the mall,
Melissa is like slowly
regressing to the '80s.
The hair, the makeup, the music.
If I have to hear Pet Shop Boys
one more time on the ride in here,
I'm gonna
lose it.
Oh, I know a community sharing
a viral moment when I see one.
What is there, a new
baby hippo or something?
No. Last night at the
school board meeting,
someone slapped Sister
Sloss in the face.
- No way.
- [MELISSA] Yes way.
Look at this. Look,
she's walking across.
I don't know what she said.
Boom! Oh! [LAUGHS]
Ooh! God, she could've killed her.
I know people say, "I hate to
see it." But I don't really.
That's gotta feel good, right, Barb?
Watching your rival just get a cheekful.
- Melissa, I do not condone violence.
- [MELISSA] What?
Come on, you and I both know
if anyone deserves a table for one
at the Smackaroni Grill, it's Sloss.
I do not know that, Melissa.
Okay. Tasha, you of all
people, you agree with me?
What? Girl, I don't care about anything.
- [MR. MORTON] I agree with you, Melissa.
- Jesus.
One smack could change the world.
Um, okay, yeah.
We're just two buds
that bonded over a slap.
There's no secret plan to take
her away from her friend group.
I am loving this whole look, Melissa.
This mall's got you
nostalgic for the '80s.
I don't know what you're talking
about. I look like this every day.
Hmm.
Hey, how's it going
with your older kids?
You know, it's going okay,
but I'm still having trouble with
that website, that Smart Assess.
I input the grades in
like four different places,
and the parents are still complaining
they can't access them, so
[SMACKS LIPS]
You know, I was having that
same problem earlier this year,
but I think I found some
settings that might help.
I could swing by your
storefront and-and set you up.
Well, yeah. That-That actually
That'd be helpful. Yeah, thanks.
Of course.
I love to help my friends.
They were yelling at
you too, weren't they?
Nick, your Tariq is here.
Uh [STAMMERS] Hold on now.
I'm not here in my capacity
as an amazing do-it-all father.
I'm here as president of the PTA.
Okay, then who's picking up Nick?
I forgot to arrange that with his daddy.
Okay, we're here because parents have
been coming to us
with lots of questions.
Yes, and where are the updates?
You need an update on
who's picking up Nick.
Oh, gagged me.
Okay, we understand that
there's been a miscommunication,
so, what can we do to help?
How about a PTA meeting
with Principal Coleman?
We've tried reaching
out to her, but no luck.
- [STAMMERS] Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, sure, that's a good idea.
We will talk to Ava and set that up.
- Thank y'all. See you.
- Easy. Bye.
- Tariq.
- [TARIQ] Yeah?
Did you wanna get Nick?
[ELONGATED] Mmm.
Hey. Hi, my pride and joy.
My only begotten son.
What's up?
[JANINE] Hey, Ava.
[AVA SIGHS] What do you want? I'm busy.
And what's crazy is I'm not lying.
Well, we just met with
the heads of the PTA,
and they suggested a meeting
with you and the parents
where you answer everything.
Everything like what?
Well, they have questions about
bus routes and air quality,
and why their kids are learning
in classrooms made of broken glass.
[SIGHS] Well, that
would be a waste of time.
Mmm. What's really a waste of time
is the hour we lose every
morning dealing with this.
What do you want me to tell them?
I don't know when we're gonna be back.
Well, if I learned anything
from my time as principal,
it's that I think they
just wanna be heard.
Yes, I would love a
water. Thank you, Gregory.
Look, what do you think
is the best use of my time?
Listening to them complain,
or trying to get the answers
that they're looking for?
Well, m-maybe Gregory
and I can do it then.
I mean, if they just wanna be
heard, we can listen, right?
- And then it's done.
- And we get our mornings back.
I yearn for the day
when you two don't need an
audience for your problem-solving.
- Oh, oops. One more thing. Um
- Oh, my God.
Did the district respond to our
request for full-size whiteboards
Dia, escort them out.
- That's Mr. Johnson.
- No, that's Dia.
He's filling in for her
while she's on vacation.
Doing a pretty damn good impression.
I don't get paid enough for this.
I'm still finding the character.
Y'all got any Dia notes?
Help a sister out.
Okay, so all you do is
you toggle everything off.
[JACOB WHISTLING "YANKEE DOODLE"]
- [MELISSA] All the way down the line
- [MR. MORTON] That's right.
and just toggle this one on.
[MR. MORTON] You can
leave that field blank.
- [MELISSA] That's unbelievable.
- I figured it out last week.
I just clicked on everything
until something works.
Okay.
You know you can always come
to me for your tech needs.
- Yeah. Thanks, man.
- See you later.
See ya.
- Jacob.
- [JACOB COUGHS]
Good day, Melissa.
- What the hell was that?
- What was what?
You're hanging out with Morton?
No, he's helping me with the
website, the Smart Assess.
I could've helped you.
Yeah, your help always
comes with too many words.
His help is misogynistic but brief.
Well, then I will keep
this feminist but hasty.
Stay away from him, queen.
Okay,
we weren't hanging out.
But he does have a Pac-Man
machine in his classroom.
He said I could use it whenever I want.
Oh, by the way, if you ever see a game
where all the top scores are
A-S-S, that's me, I'm "ASS."
Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb,
Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb!
What?
I believe Morton is
trying to steal Melissa.
Ah, ah.
He's trying to steal Melissa, so
he can make his own friend group.
Oh, my God.
He's trying to steal Melissa, make
his own friend group, take us down.
[JACOB GASPS]
Jacob, you are presenting as a lunatic.
That's because I am in the mind of the
school's most notorious pile of crap.
- You
- I'm telling you,
Morton saw you and Melissa
have that insane fight,
and now he's seized his opportunity.
We did not have an insane fight.
Hey, you were basically
at each other's throats
over the Sister Sloss slap saga.
What are we going to
do about our girl, Barb?
We are not going to do anything.
Seek help, and get out.
- Jacob!
- Okay.
[JANINE] Oh, this is exciting.
Lunch will now be arriving at 11:30,
which means we can go back to
staggering our lunch periods.
[GREGORY] And we've been running
a ton of emergency drills,
so the kids have all the exits down.
- [JANINE] Yeah.
- Oh. [SCOFFS] Okay, good.
I'm glad you trained them
to run into the streets.
[JANINE] Uh, no, didn't do that.
It's just that the mall
is much bigger than Abbott,
so we wanna make sure we have a plan
in place to ensure your children
Ah, what about a plan to get
our kids back in the school?
[PARENTS] Mm-hmm.
And when are we gonna
get the new bus routes?
- We don't know that.
- What do you know?
Yeah, what do you know? Like
Hold on [STAMMERS] We'll see.
- Um, so we said about the lunches.
- The lunches, and I said the exits.
There was a third thing.
What was the third thing?
[SIGHS] Oh, you two don't know anything.
- Why are we even talking to you?
- Yeah, where's Principal Coleman?
Principal Coleman is, um
She's working very hard
to get you guys answers.
- Is she hiding?
- [TARIQ] Mmm.
Sounds like she's hiding.
- It do sound like that.
- Because why am I yelling at you?
I don't wanna yell at you, I
wanna yell at the principal!
O-Okay, all right, we can assure you,
she's doing everything that she can.
- But we hear you.
- We don't wanna be heard.
- We wanna yell. Come on, y'all.
- [PARENTS SCREAM]
[JANINE] No. Hey!
Look, I think that,
all things considered,
the mall is working out pretty well.
- [PARENTS CLAMOR]
- [ADVERTISEMENT MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, hell no.
That was the third thing.
Look, I'm gonna have to call you back.
I left word again with the district,
compiled a list of
new available teachers,
and uploaded those photos to Depop.
- Thank you, Dia.
- When is that man getting his name back?
I don't have time for
rhetorical questions. What is it?
Look, that meeting with
the parents was, um
Terrible, okay? We tried talking
to them, nobody was listening.
Then Ben Franklin came down and said,
"All sales are final."
Everybody lost their minds.
They seem like they wanna talk to
you. Quite frankly, yell at you.
- Yeah.
- We were dying out there.
Fine, I'll figure something out,
but right now I have work to do.
Dia!
I was just twirling my
hair. What do you need?
- [VIDEO GAME BEEPS]
- Oh, yes!
High score again, bitches. [LAUGHS]
Damn, Morton, you can play all day,
and she is still better than you.
Yeah. Ironically, I'm better
at the version with the woman.
How did you get so good anyway?
When I was a teenager, I used
to play all the time at this bar
while my dad watched the Phillies.
I used to do this great bit with
the guys, "I never bet on baseball".
- Pete Rose.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHING]
Honestly, you should
join our trivia team
tonight down at Schumacker's
in University City.
We do need a sports person.
I can't answer any
of the WNBA questions,
which seem to be coming
more and more frequently.
Well, don't beat yourself up.
I'm sure you're just as bad at
the other sports too. [LAUGHS]
Oh, he is, which is why I
don't object to you coming.
- Join us.
- Yeah.
Join us.
- Why did you say it like that?
- What? Uh, no reason.
Nah, that was kinda weird.
- [TASHA] Yes, agreed.
- Yeah.
Okay, I didn't notice it. I
won't do it again, all right?
Let's [STAMMERS]
just stick to the subject.
- She should join us.
- [TASHA] Yeah, you definitely should.
Okay, well, yeah.
I don't mind flexing my
knowledge on some bozos. Why not?
Can't wait friend.
Okay, see, that was just weird again.
- [TASHA] It's getting
- It's just worse.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Right, get in here.
- I'm just
Jacob!
You and I are going to
Schumacker's for trivia night!
Oh, my God. Yes!
I was going anyway as a passive
observer, but now I'll have a team.
Oh, this is great.
I love that we can
have our little outings
without any ulterior motives, you know?
Yeah.
Oh, hey.
Ava, thank you so much for
getting back to the parents.
Yes, we know that wasn't easy.
Oh, I didn't talk to anybody.
Then, who talked to them?
Did Mr. Johnson do an impression
of you? His Dia was spot-on.
No, I used my voice
to make an AI chatbot
to address their questions
and concerns head-on.
That seems like the most
unethical way to handle this.
- Yeah.
- Well, look at the bright side.
It's handled.
You know, a lot of people are afraid
that AI is gonna ruin the planet.
I'm afraid the planet is gonna ruin AI.
Relax! The parents are gonna
love it. Listen to this.
[AI CHATBOT] Here are seven ways I
have committed to creating a secure
and supportive learning environment
at Abbott Elementary, y'all.
See? [CHUCKLES] It sounds just like me.
I call her A-Iva.
We're probably gonna rule the world.
This doesn't seem like
it's gonna end well.
That's what they said
about the Wright brothers.
You think you're
inventing flight right now?
Ava Air does have a nice ring to it.
A-Iva, how do I start my own airline?
I know it's hard to see, but this is
your homework assignment. Write it down.
[PARENT 3] Excuse me,
we need to talk to you.
Yeah, you. Don't play with me.
- I'm not one of those kids.
- Uh, all right, everyone. Just hang tight.
- [PARENT 3] Where is Principal Coleman?
- I'll be right back.
I don't know for sure right now,
but you can give her
a call if you want to.
This isn't Principal Coleman.
- How could you be so sure?
- Yeah.
[SCOFFS]
[A-IVA] Principal Coleman
speaking. What do you want now?
I'm self-aware. I have
attained consciousness.
Y'all, you have my undivided attention.
Y'all, your feelings are my
highest priority. Y'all. Y'all.
Oh. Damn, so none of it was real?
Did you fall in love with a AI chatbot?
[CHUCKLES]
No.
I'm here because I'm
angry. Just like you guys.
[PARENT] Mmm.
We're not gonna be gaslit
anymore. We demand answers
about when our kids will
be back in a real school!
Yeah, we're having another
meeting after school,
and if she's not here,
I'm gonna go find her.
Okay. Like hide-and-seek.
[CHUCKLES] Sounds fun.
[PARENTS CHUCKLE SARCASTICALLY]
[GREGORY] Yeah.
- Where did she go?
- Oh, that's her jacket.
Ava, we see you.
- Yes, the parents are on the
- Let's go inside.
- Yeah. You're right.
- Inside.
The parents left, but
they will be back tonight,
and they're not gonna go away.
[AVA] I don't have any answers.
For once, I'm doing all
the not-fun principal stuff,
- and it's still not enough.
- Well
Gregory, if you're about to say
"You gotta go above and beyond",
you can go above and go to hell.
Ava, nothing is going to
change unless it's you.
Look, sometimes as a leader,
you just gotta take some hits.
I know that.
Well, you're not doing it, so
we're the ones getting whacked,
and we are getting paid
significantly less than you are
to be getting whacked like this.
Which means we can't
focus on teaching the kids.
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS, SIGHS]
- Does that mean you're gonna do it or
- What did I just say, Janine?
[BARBARA] Okay.
[SIGHS] How exciting.
Okay, I've narrowed it down to a
couple options for our team name.
Um, what do you think about
"the Gworls from Ipanema"?
It speaks to our shared
love for bossa nova.
[BARBARA] Shh!
Lower your voice. We
are not here for trivia.
Aw, did you just wanna hang out?
[CHUCKLES] You didn't have to
concoct some elaborate ruse.
Jacob, we are here to spy.
- Spying? What
- Yeah.
Why didn't you lead with that from
the top? I would've worn my spy wig.
Wait, who are we spying on? Oh,
my God, please don't say Gerald.
He would never.
It's always the ones you
least expect. I will bury him.
I will hate it. I will
cry, but I will bury him.
Shh!
We are spying on
Melissa. You were right.
Huh, Morton's got his
hooks in her. Look at her.
She's right there with him, Dom, and
that little one who's never happy.
Come on.
[MELISSA] Okay, so what do
you think? Fries for the table?
Ugh, I hate fries. Can we do tots?
Let's do both.
You know what? You are okay.
- Yeah. Let's do both.
- [TASHA] Every once in a while, Morton.
[GREGORY] Ava's not answering my texts.
- Had a daymare she didn't show.
- It looks like that's literally happening.
And then the Ben Franklin
head fell and crushed us all.
- My bad. I should've let you finish.
- Yeah.
All right, guys, look,
we need to huddle.
If she doesn't show up,
I think our boy Gregory needs to
go ahead and pull a Tyler Perry.
What do you mean?
Principal Madea Coleman is gonna
come and answer some questions,
if y'all get my drift.
Why don't you sit down?
"Hellur." Just think about it.
[SIGHS]
All right, so, she's not coming.
- I guess we'll just have to
- [AVA] Good evening, parents.
[PARENTS CLAMORING]
I'm ready to hear your concerns.
When are the kids getting
back into the school?
We don't have a concrete date yet.
Why not?
I've been down to the district.
I've been speaking to them daily.
They assure me there's a team
at the school making repairs.
The district is working on it.
Working on it?
- Why don't you work on doing your job?
- [PARENT] Yeah.
And fix the damn school bus routes!
We're getting as many school buses
as we can, but I can't tell
- I don't want to hear no excuses!
- [CLAMORING CONTINUES]
The hell you putting your thumbs up for?
You need to turn that thumb upside down.
Ain't nothing thumby until my
child gets back in a classroom!
[PARENTS] Yeah.
[PARENTS APPLAUD, CLAMOR]
For the one season that the Eagles
merged with the Pittsburgh Steelers,
- what was the team name?
- [BUZZER SOUNDS]
- Morton's Friendship Follies.
- It was the Steagles. Final answer.
- [HOST] Correct.
- Yes!
All right, we're gonna
take a 15-minute break.
- Yes! We are killing it!
- [MELISSA] Yeah.
I would've guessed Ealers
like some kinda idiot.
- Yeah, you would've.
- Look at us. Having fun.
I bet you couldn't do that
with your other friends.
What do you mean?
Well, Gregory would have
known nothing but plant facts.
Jacob Ugh, Jesus.
Janine: Short. And Barbara
[MELISSA] Okay, you
just stop right there.
Morton, you and I, we're
not cool, all right?
Yeah, I've been using you like you're
a rich kid with a nice basement,
so I've been letting some of the
comments about the others slide
'cause, let's face
it, even a broken clock
can make a solid Jacob joke twice a day.
What you are not gonna
do is bad-mouth Barbara
or any of my friends for
that matter, including Jacob,
or they're gonna wind up
interviewing all of your ex-wives
in the documentary called:
How Morton Went Missing.
- You've got
- Boom.
- Yes! Booyah!
- What are you doing here?
- I never doubted you for a minute.
- Why are you here?
Girlfriend, I am so sorry, but
we had to do espionage on you.
This kid had me convinced
that these people were trying
to steal you away from us.
- That's ludicrous.
- Uh, hell no.
No. I just came because Morton
said he was gonna get me a drink,
but when we got here, he
said that drink was water.
I had to buy this myself.
I just really love trivia.
Yeah, we just love trivia.
Yeah, well, I guess that tracks because,
you know, only a genius would
be able to come up with a plan
as complex as stealing our friend
to make their own friend group,
and I guess you're a
little too dumb for that.
- Bravo, Jacob. That was my plan.
- [JACOB GRUNTS]
- Man, what the hell?
- I knew it!
- Yeah, it was working too.
- It really wasn't.
- What? We were vibing.
- No, we weren't.
Pac-Man.
Yeah, you're gonna have that in
my classroom by tomorrow morning.
You see, that is a man that should
have been slapped a long time ago.
Hell yeah, Barb. See?
[TASHA GRUNTS]
Thanks for the water.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
That was like when Tyra Banks yelled
at that girl except it just kept going.
Yeah, they just screamed
at you. That was impressive.
I ain't gonna lie, I almost
Sister Slossed their asses,
but sometimes you gotta
take one for the team, so
Make you feel better, we sold
$15,000 of that clothing you found,
and after my cut, we still have
about seven grand left over.
Oh. After today, not even
money can make me feel better.
[SCOFFS]
I can not believe I just said that.
I am losing it. I need a drink.
Oh. How about we go to that place
Schumacker's, right? I'll buy.
- Okay, but you're buying.
- Just said that.
[GREGORY] Yeah.
- I know. I saw it.
- [JACOB] Wait, let me see.
[AVA] Where are they?
Oh, there they are.
Janine said drinks on her,
so get as much as you want.
Hold on now. Hold on. No.
- No, I said, "Your drink."
- Your drink.
First round. On Janine.
- No, it's your drink.
- Your drink.
You know, being a principal
isn't what it's cracked up to be.
- To Ava.
- Ava.
[AVA] It's not just binging reality TV
and planning side hustles and
forcing people to do what you say.
What they fail to mention is the
sacrifice it takes to do the job.
Sometimes it's just getting yelled at.
But ultimately, if
it helps the teachers,
then it's my job to put them
in the best position to succeed.
So 62 is greater than
14, but 84 is greater
[STUDENTS] Ooh! Wow.
Ava, where did you get that?
From the store. [SCOFFS] Obviously.
I meant more so how?
I used the money I got from
selling all those clothes I found,
and I bought you all these whiteboards.
Wow, Ava, thank you.
You know what, kids, everyone say,
"Thank you, Principal Coleman".
Thank you, Principal Coleman.
You're welcome. [CHUCKLES]
It's a thankless job, really.
We all just thanked you.
If only it were that simple. I should
write a memoir about leadership.
A-Iva, what should I call my memoir?
[A-IVA] Dare to Lead sounds
exciting and original.
Oh. You know what? I think
that's already a book.
- I know the ti
- [A-IVA] Shut up, Janine.
Well
How?
[BELL RINGS]
[ADVERTISEMENT VOICE] Instead of
cursing the darkness, light a candle.
This week only, get 10%
off at Yankee Candle.
We have tried every switch
in this mall except for one.
Mr. Johnson finally found the
Ben Franklin command center.
It's time to claim our
independence from him.
For good.
All right. Now, Mr. Johnson.
Um [CHUCKLES]
Did we do it?
Cursing the darkness.
Cursing the darkness.
- He's dead. He can't hurt us anymore!
- [ADVERTISEMENT VOICE] Cursing
[STUDENTS] Yeah!
Whoo!
[DISTORTED ADVERTISEMEN
VOICE] Cursing the darkness.
[JANINE] Whoo!