Ghosts (2021) s05e10 Episode Script

1
What the hell was that?
(water running)
(bells jingling)
-(creaking)
-Hello?
Jay?
(footsteps approaching)
Surprise.
Carol?
What are you doing here?
You got sucked off.
You're right,
and I've been having
a blast up there.
I can't say too much,
but they have pickleball.
That's it. That's all I'll say.
Carol, what is happening?
I'm your little Christmas Carol.
You see, around Christmas,
we Carols
are given special powers,
including
the ability to grant wishes.
Oh, also,
we can give out candy canes.
I-I think there's been
some sort of misunderstanding.
I didn't make a wish.
Oh, yes, you did.
You said, and I quote,
"I wish I had never
been able to see ghosts."
Okay.
So why are you here?
I'm here to show you
what your life would be like
if you'd never
tripped on that vase,
if you had never
fallen down the stairs,
if you had never gained
the ability to see ghosts.
Whoa.
So let's get this started.
Sam, you're coming with me.
Well, that was supposed
to whoosh us away,
but it's my first time.
Hey, I need to get some
steps in anyway. Let's go.
♪
You know, Carol, I'm
actually feeling a little silly
about this whole wishing
not to see ghosts thing.
Holy crap, am I day-drinking
with Sasha and Libby?
Sam, this eggnog is delicious.
LIBBY: And these
gingerbread men you made?
So cute. Not to brag,
but I think this one
is flirting with me.
-(laughs)
-CAROL: Look at you,
just enjoying a little
Christmas Eve tipple with two
of your closest gal pals.
B-But I don't get it,
Sasha thinks I'm crazy.
No, Sasha thought you were crazy
because she caught you
performing a séance
for the ghosts, and she thought
you and Jay were murderers.
But that was
because of the ghosts.
In this world,
none of that happened.
So she thinks I'm sane?
Yep. And not just sane.
Funny.
Short, bald
and covered in crumbs?
I'm sorry,
is this a gingerbread man
or the guy I dated before Jay?
(both laugh)
Sam, you are hilarious.
Without the ghosts
interrupting you all the time,
you're actually
a much better conversationalist.
TREVOR:
Man,
I'd love
to see these ladies in bikinis.
How does this place
not have a hot tub?
(Samantha groans)
-Disgusting.
-Right?
But you can't hear him,
so you don't care.
I hate to say it,
but we've got to run.
Next time at my place?
Uh, do you have wine?
Of course.
Then, yeah,
I think I'll be there.
(both chuckle)
(sighs)
So, what am I doing now?
CAROL:
Oh, just sitting there.
Since you're not always
taking care of the ghosts,
you actually
have time to yourself.
Whoa. I can't remember
the last time
I just sat and read a book.
And look at me,
I don't even mind
that Trevor's
reading over my shoulder.
I'm pretty sure he's trying
to look down your dress,
but, hey, you don't know,
so who cares?
Stupid camisole.
I'm getting nothing.
So, if I have
all this free time,
I guess that means the B and B
still isn't doing very well.
Are you kidding?
Without
the ghosts to worry about,
you've really been able
to throw yourself
into making
this place a success.
The B and B is thriving.
-(phone ringing)
-Oh, come.
Woodstone B and B,
how may I help you?
Freddie. He used to work here.
He was incredible. But he quit.
He quit because of the ghosts.
But now
he's all in on Woodstone.
I'm so sorry,
we don't have any availability
-until January 17th.
-Hold on,
the B and B is sold out?
-FREDDIE:
Great. We'll see you then.
-(hangs up phone)
Who keeps searching
"Girls Gone Wild" on this thing?
I should have gone
to Arizona State.
I'm home.
Hey, Freddie.
-Jay, I missed you.
-I missed you, too.
(Jay and Samantha chuckling)
Uh-oh. Mistletoe.
Oh.
Mmm.
She could do so much better.
I gotta admit, this life
looks pretty great.
And Trevor seems
pretty much the same.
How are the other ghosts doing?
Well, why don't we find out?
Huh, still not working.
Looks like
we're hoofing it again.
PETE:
And that concludes my lecture
on different kinds of knots.
Tomorrow Thorfinn will be
giving a talk on trout.
Will be similar
to herring lecture
but more trout-focused.
-I'm in hell.
-SAMANTHA: Okay,
so this all seems
pretty standard.
I guess the ghosts are just
doing the same kind of stuff
they did before I met them.
So, Alberta, you excited
for upcoming wedding?
Aw, Alberta and Pete
are getting married?
-That's sweet.
-ALBERTA: Yeah. I mean, I get
to sing, which will be a nice
little treat for everybody.
Although I'm maybe
a little surprised
they're finally
going through with it.
SAMANTHA:
Oh.
So it's not Pete and Alberta?
You know what,
if they're happy, I'm happy.
Well, one of them
is definitely happy.
Carol, who are
they talking about?
Hello, all.
Ah, we look forward
to seeing you
at our nuptials this afternoon.
Hmm? Huzzah.
SAMANTHA:
Isaac and Hetty?
But that is impossible.
And yet, in this world,
it's happening.
-Hmm, your wish.
-HETTY: We just wanted
to remind you that the ceremony
is to begin promptly at 2:00.
ISAAC:
Weather permitting,
of course.
The wedding is indoors, my love.
Right, right, right.
Could be a tornado.
No, no.
(chuckles)
The only tornado
shall be tonight
in our marriage bed.
Oh.
Mmm
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, Carol.
What is going on?
Isaac can't marry Hetty. He's
(whispering):
gay.
Why did you whisper that?
I don't know, it seemed
like a weird thing to shout.
Here's the thing.
Isaac only came out
because you were there
to support him.
Without you, he still hasn't
figured out who he truly is.
Huh.
I guess I did have kind
of a big effect on him.
You've had a big effect
on all of them.
Without you, Alberta
never found out who killed her,
Thor's still having
his night terrors,
and Pete never learned
he could leave the property.
He never even tried?
He was told he couldn't,
and the man loves rules.
He won a goldfish
at the state fair once
and reported it on our taxes.
(chuckles)
Let me guess, he also tried
to report a free sample
from the grocery store?
It's actually
the other Sam that's funny.
Come on,
I have a lot to show you.
PETE:
Christmas is always
one of the toughest times
to be dead,
wondering about my family.
Are they doing okay?
Do they even think about me?
They do. Your daughter
Laura named her son after you.
Pete doesn't know that.
In this world,
you never invited me here
to dedicate that weird bench.
Pete never
watched Laura get married.
He doesn't even know
Little Pete.
Thor also miss his family.
Leave behind young son.
Will never get to know
what he like as man.
No, Thor, your son
is like a hundred yards away.
Tragic.
I hope he grow up
to be great warrior
who kill many Danes
and never eat best friend.
-What?
-Nothing.
Random example
not taken from Thor's life.
TREVOR:
The nice thing
about the holidays
is that the girls
on the dating apps
are lonely as hell.
I'm talking to like
six separate Livings right now.
One may fly in
from Miami to meet up.
And what do you hope happens
when she gets here?
I don't know, maybe she'll choke
on something and die.
-It happens.
-SASAPPIS: Yeah, I get it.
Sex with women,
you know, nothing like it.
Which I know
'cause of the 43 times.
SAMANTHA:
Oh, that's right.
Sass is still hiding
the fact that he's a virgin.
This is painful.
Has anyone found love?
What about Thor and Flower?
Not even close.
Flower fell
into the well two years ago.
Flower's in the well?
Well, she was,
till you filled it with cement.
So now she's lost in the dirt,
a fact she keeps forgetting
and then quickly rediscovers
in an endless cycle of horror.
Okay, so is that it,
or do you have
more bad news to show me?
More bad news.
The basement ghosts
are really upset
about your shiny
new water heater.
Wait. Everyone shut up.
I think I heard a gurgle.
(gurgling)
Oh, there it is again.
Sorry, that was my tummy.
Oh, damn it, Stuart.
You got our hopes up
for nothing, you toad's ass.
This newfangled water heater
hasn't made a peep
since that blonde witch
put it in.
God, I hate her.
She's very rude.
NANCY: Last week
I saw her drop a piece of pizza
on the ground
and pick it up and eat it,
and it fell cheese-side down.
I think we can move on.
What's going on here?
Hetty, I need to talk
to you about the wedding.
Are you still waffling
on a best man?
I do agree it's slim pickings,
but Sasappis probably presents
the most handsome stage picture.
No, it's it's more than that.
Oh, my gosh,
is he gonna tell her?
Could you just watch?
You'd be a very annoying person
to go see a movie with.
Maybe we push it?
-What?
-Why rush a wedding
in the dead of winter
when spring
is just around the corner?
We-we were supposed
to get married in spring.
Last spring. And you wanted
to push till summer, citing
the April racket of the birds.
But then summer was too hot,
and then fall came around
and you started whining about
how it's the season
when you're most sleepy.
I've always been
very sleepy in the fall.
Everyone knows that.
Isaac, what's wrong?
If there is something else
going on, just tell me.
Well actually
Come on, Isaac, tell her.
She's your dearest friend.
You can trust her.
Wedding prank.
I'm sorry, what?
You've been wedding-pranked.
(laughing):
Huzzah!
Oof.
Score one for Higgintoot.
You should have seen
the look on your face.
You were freaking out.
Indeed.
(laughs)
Ah, it's fun.
JAY:
Sam, I don't want to have
this talk again.
Oh, sounds like the show's
about to start. Come on.
It's Christmas Eve.
You can't go back
into the city already.
You just got home.
I don't know what
you want me to tell you.
I have to work.
Oh, these two, back at it.
Classic Sam and Jay fight.
Is like tiffs
between Whoopi and Meghan,
but they can't
cut to commercial.
We get to see everything.
Wait, why is Jay
working in the city?
Jay never wanted
to move out here, remember?
He only stayed
because of your accident.
But in this world,
you were just pulling him
away from his cooking
and his friends and his career.
Didn't he open his own
restaurant at the B and B?
Without the ghosts, the idea
for Mahesh never came up.
So Jay's resentment built
until he finally took a job
back in the city.
Ooh, Sam's mad.
There goes the vein.
Can't you just
call in sick or something?
I don't want to call in sick.
I love my job.
Yeah, but you're never here.
I never wanted to be here.
You dragged me here.
Not nice to drag people places.
Skin on back of head wear away
quicker than you think.
(chuckles)
This one time
I don't want to hear it, Thor.
(groans)
We seemed
so happy together this morning.
A performance
for your assistant Freddie.
He's seen
so many of your fights,
so now you guys
overcompensate in front of him.
Okay, let's give
this one more shot.
Isaac Higgintoot
and Henrietta Woodstone
Holy crap, it worked.
Oh, it's the wedding. Fun.
PETE:
My sincere hope
is that
the two of you enjoy a marriage
as loving and as loyal
as what I had with Carol.
Whoopsie.
Now, if anyone here
sees any reason why these two
should not wed, now would be
a great time to pipe up.
ISAAC:
Nothing?
-Really?
-(whoosh)
(Hetty and Isaac laugh)
Captain Higgintoot.
Lieutenant Colonel Chessum,
you've come.
Yes, I know
we've had our differences,
but I couldn't let you
get married without saying
Come on, Nigel, you got this.
congratulations.
-(sighs)
-(Nigel chuckles)
Okay.
Well, I guess there's
nothing left to do
(laughs)
except continue.
Uh, unless? Going once
Anyone?
Look at me.
I'm 15 feet away
from this train wreck,
and there's nothing I can do.
(laughs)
Why do I look so happy?
Jay and I just had a huge fight.
Well, you're not gonna
want to hear this one,
but with you
and Jay growing apart,
you've started
an emotional affair
with someone you met online.
What? Who?
No.
No, no, no.
(straining)
(phone chimes)
-(laughs)
-No!
Okay, I'll call you
when I get to the city.
No, Jay, don't go.
Okay. Hetty,
do you take this man
to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
You've got to stop this.
None of this is right.
I'm sorry, Sam, it's too late.
-What do you mean?
-PETE: Isaac,
do you take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Well, you made a wish,
and I was sent here to grant it.
I do.
But this isn't what I want.
-(camera shutter clicking)
-PETE: Hetty and Isaac,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
Isaac, you may kiss the bride.
(sighs)
(chimes)
(grunts triumphantly)
That's it. The tour's over.
This is now your life.
Merry Christmas, Sam.
(clicks tongue)
(gasps)
No!
Oh, great, now someone objects.
I mean
I love ya.
Oh!
Carol? Carol, come back!
What's wrong with Sam?
I want things to go back
to the way they were.
I want Pete
and Alberta to be dating again.
Me and Pete?
How does she know our names?
Sass shouldn't be hiding
the fact that he's a virgin.
(scoffs)
Virgin?
Okay, yeah, tell that to
all my satisfied customers.
And I want to live in a world
where Isaac is proud to be gay.
Gay?
A red-blooded
billy goat like me?
(scoffs) You jest.
SAMANTHA:
Most of all,
I I want Jay back.
I don't care
if things aren't perfect
or if our life
is complicated sometimes.
I just want
to face it all with him.
I wish
things could go back
to how they were.
I wish I could see ghosts again.
(bells jingle)
That's my girl.
Welcome back, Sam.
I can see you.
Hetty, can you hear me?
Alberta, can you see me?
TREVOR:
What's with Sam?
She sounds like Yentl.
Oh, thank God.
I made a terrible wish
that I couldn't see ghosts
and then Carol granted it.
My Carol?
Yes, but
she was Christmas Carol,
and everything was messed up.
You were there, Isaac,
but you were marrying Hetty.
And you were there, Thor,
but you didn't know your son.
Was I there?
I don't really remember.
The point is,
I regret what I said. I'm sorry.
I'm so happy I can see you guys.
I was just upset.
Hey, uh, I was just talking
to that guy, babe, and I
Whoa.
(chuckles)
What was that for?
For everything. I love you, Jay.
(grunts)
Whoa, I think I fell asleep
for a few minutes,
but then
the smooching woke me up.
Hey, man, it's Flower.
What? What's happening?
(grunts)
Jay, it's me.
Flower possessed me.
Thor did it as a gift to her.
Next year,
will only give sex coupon.
It enough.
What? O-Okay.
Well, we got to get
Flower out of you
before this interview.
What interview? I thought
I blew the interview.
What are you talking about?
The interview
hasn't happened yet.
You were just getting
your makeup done.
WALTER:
There she is.
It's showtime.
(grunts)
Hey, man. Aren't you
that guy from TV?
You know, I was
on TV once.
I flashed the second baseman
at a San Francisco Giants game.
Cool.
Maybe we don't mention
stuff like that on the air, huh?
This way, please.
Flower? Sam? Flower-Sam?
Okay, you can
sit right over here.
-Cool.
-Oh, guys, you know what?
Um, actually, I-I-I think
Sam needs to go outside
for just a minute.
Sorry, we're about to go live.
We need to buy Sam some time
to regain control
and get to the boundary.
I got this.
(humming)
(faint humming)
Uh, Walter, just a minute.
I'm-I'm picking up
a weird room tone.
Guys, can we fix this? Now?
Tiny camera, feel Odin's wrath!
GARY:
Ugh, we lost picture.
Unbelievable.
All right, we need
a battery change on camera one.
This is incredible teamwork.
And if it were
St. Patrick's Day,
I'd be jumping in with
a contribution of my own.
(strains)
Whoa. What the?
Hey, hold the roll.
Let's get this cleaned up.
All right, we're taking
a tight two,
then we're going live.
Take control, Sam.
This is your moment.
(grunts)
I'm back.
Now go! Get to the boundary.
Run! Like there's
a sale at Old Navy!
(panting)
-Man, Pringles were good.
-(car door opens)
Sorry about all that
possession stuff, Sam.
All good.
-She's back.
-(ghosts gasp)
All right, I think we're
good to go. Cameras ready?
You good, babe?
GARY:
We're live in three
That's right, Jill, I'm here
in New York's Hudson Valley
with the author of Isaac
Higgintooth: Colonial Vampire.
Hey, Sam, thanks for being here.
Thank you so much for having me.
(on TV):
And so this is a book
where you can have a laugh,
maybe a cry,
and hopefully learn something
about the origins of our
nation.
WALTER:
Well, I certainly enjoyed
when George Washington
turned into a bat.
Did that really happen?
(laughs)
I'm kidding, of course.
Well, anyhow, thanks, Sam.
Jill, back to you.
Oh, you crushed it, Sam.
And if I had money
and the ability to turn pages,
I-I would buy your book
for sure.
-Aw.
-Babe, you were amazing.
Thanks, Jay.
I couldn't have done it
without you.
Without any of you.
I just feel so lucky
to have all of you in my life.
Even Thor?
Yes, Thor. Even you.
And not to relitigate,
but you did sort of say
to surprise you.
We leave at that.
I know the possession
wasn't ideal,
but it was a really groovy gift.
I mean, I got to take drugs
for the first time in 60 years.
I'm sorry. What do
you mean, you took drugs?
The mistletoe.
The drug I got from Gabe.
I took it-- well, we took it--
on my way back
from the restaurant.
HETTY:
Well, look at that.
You were high as a kite.
I suppose
that explains this whole
"visit from Carol" nonsense.
(laughs softly)
I guess it does.
JAY:
Okay, I can't help it.
I got to watch it again.
So proud of you, babe.
(clicks)
(bells jingling)
SASAPPIS: Hey, Trevor,
help me out with this
scratch and sniff
Sam got me for Christmas.
(sniffs)
(Trevor straining)
Come on, come on, come on.
(Trevor shouts)
(both sniff)
Wow.
For a piece of paper
with cartoon eyes
and a pepperoni bow tie,
that's pretty good.
-Greetings.
-(gasps)
Every time.
Patience
what's up?
I come with good news.
Your disappointment
at our parting gave me pause.
What? What are you saying?
I am saying that
I now believe
that we shouldst be together.
Yeah, but
different worlds.
-Oh.
-Sometimes that first thought
is the best thought.
Oh, but that can be remedied.
I have met
your friends,
and you can meet my people.
Where is this going?
Trevor Lefkowitz,
dweller of the overground,
son of Abraham,
holder of my heart,
allow me
to introduce you to
the Others.
Oh, holy night.