Only Murders in the Building (2021) s05e10 Episode Script

1
I met Nicky, this sensitive kid,
worked at his family's dry cleaners
and wrote poetry on the side,
compared everything to a summer's day.
A meat cleaver to the chest.
[OLIVER PUTNAM] Nicky had
Arconia stationery in his mouth?
Lester didn't feel good about the job,
but he was hoping to save enough
for our big dream,
a place in the Arconia.
It's the last thing he ever said.
[OLIVER] "It's beautiful."
If my wife didn't want me
to fuck her family legacy,
she shouldn't have fucked someone else.
- How did you find out? [GASPS]
- I saw her, I saw them.
12:15. Escrow's closed.
The Arconia is gone.
You wanna make the world a better place?
Stop making it worse.
I bet you this is probably how they
smuggled Nicky's body out of here.
Holy shit, this leads out
to Caccimelio's dry cleaners.
The police found it on him.
It's one of his bird whistles.
I couldn't let that mobster
take down my building,
I've been looking the
other way too long.
I need you to take the wedding shrimp
to Mr. Putnam.
He'll know what to do.
So, if Lester killed Nicky,
who killed Lester?
I don't know.
I took the shrimp to your place,
and when I came back, he was dead.
I saw the crank, and I panicked.
Mabel, you're in more danger
than you think with that finger.
You have no idea
what they paid to get that.
- Paid who?
- I've seen that scuff mark.
[MABEL MORA] We think it was left
by whoever stole the finger.
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- [NICKY CACCIMELIO] The cicadas hum.
Their song, it swells.
A chorus in the heat.
Your laughter ripe as summer's fruit.
One bite, I feel complete.
The warm air carries a command:
"Disrobe."
And we obey.
Maronna mia.
You're so damn hot.
[WHISPERING]
You're like a summer's day.
Nicky, just wait till we go to Positano.
Whatever you want, you're gonna have.
["WAVES OF PASSION" BY THE XOTICS
PLAYING FAINTLY ON RADIO]
This is just to remind us
of our beautiful future.
What I feel for you ♪
Oh, times are changing ♪
[MABEL MORA]
There's no greater mystery than love
[WHEEL CLICKING]
and no greater risk.
When it pays out,
it makes you rich beyond compare.
- Sixty-nine, alright!
- Yes!
- Seventy!
- Sixty-eight.
- Seventy-one.
- Sixty-nine.
[MABEL] But when it doesn't,
when your bet fails and you lose it all,
- will you fold?
- [SOFIA SIGHING]
- [WHEEL CLICKING]
- [MABEL] Or will you double down?
- [SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
Hey. Hey. Hey.
What the fuck do you mean, it's over?
I mean literally that.
- I'm done.
- What happened?
- [WHISPERING] Nothing.
- What, nothing? You
Somethin' must have happened,
'cause 'cause all I know
is that I I put a roof over your
head, and and had
food on your table,
and that I fucking love you.
You loved me.
Now, you're just used to me.
You're used to me waiting around.
- [CRYING]
- Hey, no. Hey, baby, no. Listen, come on.
Hey, look it, I'm sorry, okay?
You're right, you're right, okay?
Look, I We had so many plans,
and and maybe I got lost
along the way, huh?
But I can do better.
Is there someone else?
[WHISPERING]
No, it it doesn't matter.
This is about us.
Who is it?
Nobody.
And this is really rich coming from you,
the guy who stuck it all over town?
Listen to me.
I'm gonna find out who it is.
And when I find him, he's dead.
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE]
Ask Nonna why she stole our finger.
Oh, and explain that our doorman
gave it to us right before he died.
Also, that we think
he wanted us to have it
to help ID his killer.
Right, right, right.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
I speak English, too, you know.
Oh, thank God.
I really didn't wanna disappoint
that Duolingo owl.
- Where's Sofia?
- Yeah, M-Mom's been gone for a few days.
- Nonna's been taking care of us.
- Yeah, she's been taking care of us.
Boys. Boys, give us a moment alone.
- What? No, no, no, it's not safe.
- Nonna, we're your protection.
[HOWARD MORRIS] Hey, Vinny.
Maybe you can show me
your starching machine.
What?
I always get it wrong.
That's hard to believe.
That shirt looks amazing on you.
- [TONY CACCIMELIO] Oh.
- [MIKEY CACCIMELIO] Oh, wow.
What?
Uh, yeah, come with us,
we got a a machine.
- [LESTR ROBOT CHIRPING]
- [CACCIMELIO BROTHERS ARGUING]
[LESTR ROBOT SNIFFLING] Aww.
[CACCIMELIO BROTHERS CONTINUE ARGUING]
My daughter recognized that finger
from the moment you spilled it out
on my dining room table.
Well, whose finger was it?
We think that might be our killer.
All I know is that she knew that finger.
Oh!
Like, it belonged to someone
she was sleeping with?
Oh, she knew that finger!
[CHARLES LAUGHING]
Oh, yeah.
I don't get it.
Lester gave us the finger
of Sofia's paramour?
And assumed that'd be enough to go on?
Why didn't he just text us
the killer's name?
Because then, there'd be no season.
Oh, hey, you guys are still here.
Well, uh, most folks have moved out,
but it's good you're getting
one last look at the place
before it's all gone.
What do you mean, "all gone"?
After today's press conference
to announce the casino,
they're demolishing the building.
- [OLIVER GASPS]
- [ROMY] Turns out, it's actually cheaper
to just rip it all down
and start from scratch.
Sayonara, Arconia.
"Sayonara, Arconia"?
[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
[THEME SONG CONCLUDES]
[WORKERS GRUNTING]
I can't believe that Camila
is demolishing our building.
Years of memories
and history, just gone.
Well, we still have a few hours
before the press conference.
One last murder board?
No, no, excuse me,
we're using that, thanks.
Are you, though?
'Cause it feel like it's all questions
and no answers.
You know, I had three singles
in my pocket,
but now, keeping them.
[CHARLES] Okay, here's what we know.
That finger belonged to someone
in the room that night.
The only people that were there
that night besides Lester and Nicky
were the billionaires, and the finger
doesn't belong to any of them.
We've been down that road before.
Unless
what if it did belong to one of them?
Remember how I said
I did magic as a kid?
[GROANING] Here we go.
Uh, I did this trick
that employed fake fingers.
And who's to say one
of these billionaires
with all their access,
couldn't help themselves
to a fake digit or two?
And what about Camila?
What's with her grandmother's gloves?
She could be hiding something.
Same with Bash.
Uh, he he's got that Oura Ring
on his pointer.
Could be covering a stitch
of some tech-developed fake finger.
And Jay actually is missing a finger.
We just counted him out
because it pointed the other way,
but maybe there's an exception
to that rule?
So [CLEARING THROAT] if the finger
could have belonged to any of them,
the big question becomes,
which of them was sleeping with Sofia?
Uh, I think as her ex-lover,
this is a "me" question.
Ugh. Charles, what did we say
about the word "lover"?
That I'm never to use
it regarding myself.
[MABEL] Thank you.
Who can we see with Sofia?
Jay. He's a young buck.
But I can also see Bash.
He's surprisingly firm
for someone 95-ish.
Or maybe it's Camila.
Little girl-on-girl action?
- [GROWLING SEDUCTIVELY]
- Careful.
Excuse me. This is garbage, right?
I'll have you know that
that play made history
as the only show to receive
a formal complaint
from the state of New Jersey.
Mm-mm.
But then again
maybe that's the key to our plan.
Oliver, putting on one of your plays
can't always be the solution.
No, no, no, no,
I'm talking about how the show
got produced to begin with.
By leaning on friends
from the old country.
[DOORS CREAKING]
[JAY PFLUG] Are we early?
[SEBASTIAN "BASH" STEED]
The note said 12:30.
[CHARLES] You're right on time!
[LIGHTS CLICKING]
Uh, shouldn't you be moved out by now?
[IN MOB VOICE] We don't follow no rules,
we break 'em, and kneecaps.
We just wanna ask some questions and
- [OLIVER GRUNTING]
- [IN MOB VOICE] And we will not stop
till we get some answers.
- [NORMAL VOICE] I can't do this.
- No shit.
- [CAMILA WHITE] What's happening here?
- [BASH] We got a note
saying the casino bid was still in play.
I got it too, and it couldn't be
farther from the truth.
[IN MOB VOICE] That was from us. Yeah!
What are they doing?
[JAY] Mm.
Some improv game about the mob.
[IN MOB VOICE] It's a-no game, a-you!
It's a-very real.
[NORMAL VOICE]
And we've got a bouncer upstairs
making sure that no one
comes down to save you.
You mean the guy with the sweater?
He was so sweet.
- We bonded over our dogs.
- [OLIVER GROANS]
[IN MOB VOICE] His name is Howard,
and he's very scary.
Now, we got some questions for you.
Hope you don't mind,
we invited a few friends.
- Fellas!
- [CACCIMELIO BROTHERS CHATTERING]
- [BROTHERS CHEERING AND LAUGHING]
- Pipsqueaks.
Hello, gentlemen.
And lady.
- [CHAIN RATTLING]
- Oh.
New mob, meet old mob.
So, what's the plan?
You're going to kill us?
- Hell yeah, we are.
- I am a bloodthirsty animal!
We're not right in the head.
- [GRUNTING]
- Okay, guys, that's plenty, uh, thanks.
But I thought you said we could help.
Less is more. It's atmosphere.
Sorry, do you guys
need a minute to work this out?
- Y-yeah.
- No, we're good.
- [CLEAVER SWISHING]
- Hands on the table!
[MIKEY] [WHISPERING] Stop.
I guess she's serious.
Start talking, or I start chopping.
Whose finger did we find?
[CACCIMELIO BROTHERS] Hmm.
[MABEL] We are solving this case
before the building is demolished.
So, give it up!
[JAY] [SIGHS] Okay.
Jesus.
It's not mine.
[CACCIMELIO BROTHERS] Oh! Hey!
Ooh, there's a plot twist.
- It's not mine.
- Why?
Sorry, we all just wanted the finger,
and we thought if it looked
like I was missing one,
maybe the person
who had it would give it up.
But I didn't kill anybody.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Mm. Ow.
- These are the real deal.
- [BASH] I see where this is going.
Here. See for yourself. Pull my finger.
[CACCIMELIO BROTHERS LAUGHING]
- Pull it. Pull it. Please, pull it.
- [MIKEY] He doesn't get it!
- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
- [OLIVER PUTNAM] Next question.
Which one of you was
sleeping with Sofia?
Are they gonna talk about Mom now,
like, kissing and stuff?
It's impossible.
Mom never kissed anybody.
E-Except for Jesus,
and that's how we were born.
At this point, I think they're hurting
more than they're helping.
Yeah, let's, uh, lose the sons.
Thank you very much. No, thank you.
- You good?
- Leave your weapons on the bar.
[TONY] I told you not to bring that up!
- [CLEAVER SWISHING]
- Mabel, sweetie, put down the cleaver.
Nobody believes
you're the cleaving type.
[KEYPAD UNLOCKING, DOOR OPENING]
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh.
This place is c-cool as balls.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- How did you get down here?
Uh, pushed past sweater guy.
Uh, Camila, ten minutes
till the press conference.
[CAMILA] Oh, good.
So, what are we all playing?
Mabel, what is it?
I know who killed Lester.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [OLIVER SHRIEKS]
- [CHARLES GASPS]
He did.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I suppose I should say, "Ow"?
What the fuck?!
Oh, my God, it is a fake one.
[MABEL]
You were at the game that night.
You were sleeping with Sofia.
You murdered Lester.
[CHARLES] Mabel, how did you know?
These texts I just got from Howard.
"Someone's coming down.
It's Beautiful. It's Beautiful.
- Sorry, autocorrect. It's Beau Tillman."
- [OLIVER GASPS]
"It's beautiful" is what Lester
texted his wife before his murder.
[SOFT, DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
He didn't mean the fountain.
He meant to say, "It's Beau Tillman."
[CHARLES] Well, how 'bout that?
He did text us the killer's name.
Fine, I was there.
Whenever these three need a favor,
they invite me to a game,
- happen to lose a bunch of money to me
- [CAMILA] [GASPS] Ooh.
and bang, I get their permits or
whatever the fuck they need approved.
It's a good system.
But on that night, things went sideways.
[CARDS SHUFFLING]
[NICKY] Oh.
[JAY] You okay, Nicky?
[INHALES SHARPLY] Yeah, never better.
- [CLEARING THROAT]
- [DOOR OPENING]
[MAYOR BEAU TILLMAN] Alright.
I'm visiting a community outreach center
at the butt-crack of dawn,
so let's jump in.
Who's ready to bribe Daddy for a casino?
[CAMILA] Mm.
- You're in my seat.
- Right.
My mistake.
Just keepin' it warm for you
- Okay.
- Beau.
Nicky, get our mayor a drink.
- I'm not a bartender.
- [MAYOR TILLMAN] Oh, come on.
Nothing complicated, just a whiskey.
One finger. [SIGHS]
One finger, huh?
[CLEAVER SWISHES]
One finger.
[SNORTING]
[GRUNTS]
He wants a finger?
[INHALING SHARPLY] He wants a finger?
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- He wants a finger.
Here's your fucking finger!
[ALL SHOUTING]
- [GASPING]
- Fuckin', how 'bout the thumb?
[ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING]
- Put the cleaver down, man!
- [NICKY] You son of a bitch!
- Nicky! Stop! Stop, Nicky!
- [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
- [NICKY] You son of a
- [LOUD THUD]
- [GROANING]
- [MAYOR TILLMAN] Oh shit!
- [CAMILA GASPS]
- [NICKY GRUNTING]
[CAMILA] Oh!
- What do you think you're doing?
- What I should have done long ago,
stand up to you,
put an end to all this.
[GASPS] Stop it! Remember the dream.
[NICKY GROANING]
[LESTER COLUCA]
I've seen a lot in this room
and I've been taking notes.
I can take this to the cops!
Here's what I think
- [PAPER RIPPING]
- of your notebook.
- [NICKY GOBBLING AND GRUNTING]
- [MAYOR TILLMAN WHIMPERING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[NICKY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
WITH MOUTH FULL]
[MAYOR TILLMAN GROANING]
[MOUTH FULL] You're done
when I say you're
[LEDGER THUDDING]
[NICKY CHOKING AND WHEEZING]
This is my building!
[MOUTH FULL] What the fuck
did you hit me with?
[ALL GASPING]
- [NICKY YELLS]
- [CAMILA GASPING]
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
[GRUNTING]
- [CAMILA GASPS]
- [LESTER GRUNTS]
Oh, my God.
We've got a dead mobster on our hands.
Can't we call someone?
- [MAYOR TILLMAN GROANING]
- Does anyone have a guy for this?
Uh, excuse me.
I just lost a fucking finger
and a shit-ton of blood.
- [MAYOR TILLMAN GRUNTING]
- [JAY] Here.
- [MAYOR TILLMAN] Shit.
- [CAMILA] Ooh
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
W-Where Where's my fucking finger?
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
Where's that doorman?
Now, hold on. No one goes anywhere
until we clean this up.
Does this mean that the game is off?
I think it means the game is on.
[LESTER PANTING]
Hey. Hey, man.
Everything's fine.
But I'm gonna need that finger.
- I don't have it anymore!
- Oh, God, come on. [LAUGHING]
Hey, hey, hey.
You got three billionaires
and the mayor of the most
important city on Earth
willing to compensate you
for your troubles.
I'm done being bought, unlike you.
My old man was a cab driver.
Worked hard, lived an honest life,
he got nothing for it.
Me? I wanted to get things done,
so I made a few sacrifices,
I bent a few rules.
And now, I am the mayor
of New York City,
which is fuckin' lit.
But all of that goes away
with one incriminating finger.
So, for the last time, where is
Ow! Goddammit!
- [MAYOR TILLMAN EXCLAIMING AND WINCING]
- Your job,
our job is to protect this city!
You wanna stop me?
You're gonna have to kill me,
right here in front of all
the security cameras!
[DRAMATIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTING] Oh yeah.
Actually, Bash owns those cameras.
Give him ten minutes
and a vitamin D shot,
and whatever happens
to you on that footage
looks like an accident.
What? Is is my finger in there?
Is my finger in here?
Is my finger in there?!
[LESTER] [PANTING] My whistle!
Shit!
Is my finger in here? Where is it?
Where did you put my finger?!
[DRAMATIC, SUSPENSEFUL
MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [MAYOR TILLMAN] Hey! Come back here!
- [PHONE DROPPING]
- Come here, right now!
- [LESTER] [GASPS] Oh, my God.
[MAYOR TILLMAN] [GROANS] Fuck!
[CAMERA CLICKING]
- It's Beau Tillman.
- [KEYPAD TAPPING]
It's Beau Tillman!
[ELEVATOR CRANK CLANGING]
[WINCING AND GROANING]
- [LESTER PANTING]
- Come on!
Do the right thing.
Give me that pointer.
My friends are gonna catch you.
- [MAYOR TILLMAN GROANING]
- [LESTER PANTING]
[MAYOR TILLMAN GRUNTING]
You don't have friends.
You have tenants.
No one cares about the damn doorman.
Now, give it to me!
I told you, I don't have it!
- Then, where is it?!
- [WATER SPLASHES]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [LESTER GRUNTING]
- [WATER SLOSHING]
Okay, you got what you fuckin' need?
Now, you're gonna give me
what I fuckin' need. Okay?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
- Now, give me that fucking
- [LESTER YELLS]
[HEAD THUDS LOUDLY]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPING AND COUGHING]
[BIRD WHISTLE CHIRPING]
[GROANS]
[CAMERA BEEPING]
[RECORDING CHIMING]
[CAR ENGINE STARTING]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
- [ENGINE REVVING]
[PLASTIC BAG RUSTLING]
[CROW CAWING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS]
[MUSIC FADES]
So, yeah, I killed Lester.
Should have just given me the finger.
[OLIVER] Lester had more character
under his little hat
than you do in your whole body.
- Hmm.
- You seem awfully calm
for someone who just admitted to murder.
Yeah, because when the mayor
is gone for
seven minutes,
people come looking for him.
[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
And there she is.
So, where are our guys?
Fellas!
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
[MAYOR TILLMAN] Grab their phones.
[SOFTLY]
Those are the crooked cops I saw.
I'll bet anything
they've been recording.
- You three
- [OFFICER] You heard him.
hold on a moment,
let me deal with this.
- [OFFICER 1] So, let's go.
- Oh.
[OFFICER 2] Phones. Come on.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[PHONES CRACKING]
[OLIVER] Is that really necessary?
You know, there is a button
that just says "delete."
- You won't get away with this.
- [MAYOR TILLMAN] Won't I?
Nobody knows you're here.
[STAMMERS] Nobody knows
this stairwell even exists.
It's poetic, really.
When this building's demolished,
you'll go with it.
The final murders in the building.
Anyway, have fun.
I'm off to announce a casino.
- [METAL DOOR CREAKING OPEN]
- What What voting district are you in?
[DOOR CREAKING, SLAMMING SHUT]
- [CHAINS RATTLING]
- So, what's our plan?
Weighing our options, thinking
Yeah, uh, die a slow and painful death.
[CLOSET DOOR CREAKING]
Okay, get rid of these.
Thank you, everybody, for coming.
We really appreciate it,
- and appreciate your patience as well.
- [REPORTS CHATTERING]
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
- Oh, hey.
- I I'm gonna go down there.
- Nobody allowed down there.
- No, I live here,
- I'm Howard. So
- I don't care, move!
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
- [HOWARD TEXTING]
- [TEXT WHOOSHES]
[CHARLES] I made a list of things
I wanted to say to you two
before I die.
But they're on my notes app
on my phone.
- Okay.
- [MABEL CHUCKLES]
[CHAINS RATTLING LIGHTLY]
[OLIVER] What is it?
Um
just you two.
I'm gonna miss this when I'm dead.
[OLIVER] [GASPS] Nuh-uh!
This can't be it.
Look, Charles, I I I know
I've given you a hard time
because of your friendless,
magic-obsessed childhood.
But now is your moment.
Houdini us outta here!
If I could just get my hands
on one of those coat hangers,
- I could pick this lock.
- Are you sure?
No. I can't get to it, anyway.
I'd have to shimmy up this pole,
and my shimmying days are behind me.
Charles, you have been
shimmying all season,
if you know what I mean.
You're Mr. "T," for God's sake!
I got an official letter from my doctor,
and, uh, that testosterone trial
I was in
I was in the placebo group.
I never had any testosterone at all.
I'm sorry, but doesn't that mean
that instead of the medication
doing all those things it was you?
[OLIVER] Right!
That wasn't testosterone
that got you busy in the back of a van.
That was my man, Charles!
And you pulled all those baddies
on Last Gasp.
That was all you, bro.
Well, I suppose you're right.
You are going to save us,
and you don't need any T to do it.
Okay.
But I have to apologize in advance
for what my body is about to do.
- What?
- There will be sights you can't unsee
and sounds you can't unhear.
- Please shut up and do the trick.
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Mayor Tillman.
- [REPORTERS CHATTERING]
[APPLAUSE]
Howard! Mongo! Mongo!
Mongo! These fell down my chute.
Aren't these Mabel, Charles,
and Oliver's phones?
Oh, my God.
We need muscle.
Where are Vince and Randall?
Courtyard, rescuing the little birdies
who have nests out there.
But what about our
little birdies, Miller?
The trio is trapped downstairs,
and we need to get past those cops.
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
- [CAMILA SPEAKING FAINTLY]
[WHISPERING]
I can help you get past them.
- How?
- [CAMILA] My fellow New Yorkers,
my fellow players.
Most of my money-making ventures
go sideways,
so this isn't that much
of a surprise to me.
Well, I'm not quite
as accustomed to losing,
but I take comfort in Napoleon
at Aspern-Essling.
- [INHALES DEEPLY]
- Yeah.
Surely, you, too, must often return
to Bonaparte's military exploits?
- Fuck yeah, all the time.
- Yeah.
A loss will defeat many,
but not the greats.
The greats will take a loss
and use it
for an ever more decisive victory.
Wagram!
You and I should team up,
get our names on something even bigger
than the first New York casino.
[SNICKERING]
What shall we buy, Pflug?
The University?
The Statue of Liberty?
What about the New York Knickerbockers?
Bash, I mean this respectfully,
you freak me out.
So, in short, the Camila Club
will revolutionize casinos.
["WISH THAT YOU WERE ME"
BY THĒ PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh, that's cute,
you're thinking 'bout me all day ♪
- [REPORTER 1] It's THĒ!
- [REPORTER 2] THĒ!
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
- Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing.
Stop playing my song,
you cute little robot.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- I was thinking about doing
a little farewell set in the secret
gaming parlor that's downstairs.
But do not stop what you're doing
to come watch me,
it's only if you want to.
Alright, follow THĒ!
It's just down here.
Excuse me, sweetheart.
Just Just follow THĒ,
- but it's a no-pressure sitch, okay?
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Go, go!
- [MAYOR TILLMAN] Excuse me. Excuse me.
[CHARLES] The first step is to get you
two loose so you can give me a boost.
Are you familiar with the Chinese
brain twister puzzles
in the Mysto Magic set
from 1953 Deluxe edition?
- Who doesn't know that?
- Sure.
Well, it looks like you can't get
those two pieces apart, but you can.
We have our work cut out for us, but
you're gonna have to make some moves.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, that's convenient.
[THĒ SINGING]
Wish that you were me ♪
Bet you wish that you were me ♪
Oliver, put your hand into a triangle
and move your head
through the hypotenuse.
I said the hypotenuse,
not the adjacent angle!
- Sorry, sorry.
- Now, Whirling Dervish!
- [MABEL] Ouch!
- [OLIVER] Ah. Ah!
Bet you wish that you were me ♪
Do the funky chicken,
funky chicken, funky chicken.
I get what he means!
I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm I'm rolling!
- [MABEL] Ow!
- Now, Oliver, make your arms
- like you're hitting a volleyball.
- [OLIVER GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]
- Oh!
- [OLIVER WHIMPERING]
- [MABEL GRUNTS]
- God help us.
Bet you wish that you were me ♪
Now, come over here and give me a boost.
- Okay. Alright.
- Okay. Okay.
A little boost. I'll try
- [CHARLES] Boost, please.
- [MABEL AND OLIVER GRUNTING]
- Oh, my God.
- [OLIVER GRUNTING]
[POP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
This can't be how we end!
At least the socks are cute.
At least the socks are cute!
- [OLIVER GRUNTING]
- [MABEL] You got it!
[CHARLES] Harder than I thought.
Climb, Charles! Shimmy!
- [MABEL] Okay! You can just keep going!
- [OLIVER] Shimmy!
- [MABEL] One and two
- [OLIVER] Oh, my God!
- [POLE SQUEAKING]
- [OLIVER WHIMPERING]
[MABEL] Okay, grab it!
- Just Or bite it.
- [CHARLES GRUNTING]
[CHARLES GRUNTING]
[MABEL/OLIVER GASPING]
- [OLIVER EXCLAIMING]
- [MABEL] You did it!
- [OLIVER/MABEL LAUGHING]
- How do I get down from here?
Like a stripper, or a fireman.
Whatever floats your boat.
[CHARLES YELLS]
[LAUGHING] Oh!
Uh! Whoa!
- [POLE SQUEAKING]
- Oh, yeah!
- [THUDS]
- [OLIVER GASPS]
Ta-da!
Wow, he chose stripper.
- Bet you wish that you were me ♪
- [REPORTERS SHOUTING]
Charles! Oliver! Mabel!
It's okay, Howard's here!
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
- What have you done with my friends?
- Where are they?
- [SECRET PANEL OPENS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- Mayor Tillman is a murderer.
- [CROWD GASPS]
He killed our doorman.
And his finger was in my shrimp!
[REPORTERS] Ew!
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
Okay, murder should have come last.
- [REPORTERS SHOUTING]
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
These are baseless accusations.
In fact, ask them.
Where's your proof?
Glad you asked.
You're gonna want
your cameras on for this.
[MAYOR TILLMAN] Uh, sure,
keep your cameras on.
[LAUGHING] This is ridiculous.
- [WHEEL CLICKING]
- Oh, we're playing roulette now?
- [CHUCKLING] Okay. Okay.
- [WHEEL CONTINUES CLICKING]
[LOUD CLACKING]
- [CROWD GASPS]
- Oh. What do we have here?
[MAYOR TILLMAN] This is
This is ridic I mean
Still recording.
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
- Shall we listen?
- I'll just play the juicy parts.
- [RECORDER BEEPS]
[BASH] What about
the New York Knickerbockers?
[OLIVER] [SNORTING]
Okay, sorry, stay with me.
[RECORDER REWINDING, BEEPING]
- [JOHNNY] Mom never kissed anybody.
- [MIKEY] E-Except for Jesus.
- And that's how we
- Okay, okay. [CHUCKLES]
- For real this time.
- [RECORDER REWINDING, BEEPING]
[MAYOR TILLMAN]
So, yeah, I killed Lester.
- [CROWD GASPING, CLAMORING]
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
- Jackpot.
- Bingo.
- Uno.
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
We all know that voice, don't we?
God. What would Lester do?
Well, he was the nicest guy alive.
But right now, I think he'd say
[CAGE RATTLING]
- "Release the Kraken."
- [BIRDS COOING]
Okay, the truth is AI.
Deep fakes.
That is no more evidence
of guilt than, say [GRUNTS]
[CROWD GASPING AND EXCLAIMING]
Okay, this has got to stop happening.
- [MABEL GROWLING]
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
- [METAL DOOR SQUEAKING]
- [GRUNTS]
- [REPORTER] Hurry! Hurry!
- [CLAMORING CONTINUES]
- [WINGS FLAPPING]
- Ah! Shit! What Get away. Ah!
[MAYOR TILLMAN CONTINUES SHOUTING]
- [WINGS FLAPPING]
- Really?! Oh! Ah!
[CHARLES CAWING]
[OFFICER]
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
I can't believe I voted for your ass.
- Oh, uh, what voting district are you?
- Shut the fuck up.
Well, guys, we found Lester's killer,
but couldn't save his building.
[CAMILA]
Wow. But let's focus on the good.
My casino, where the top pop star
in the country
- may very well be our headliner!
- [THĒ CHUCKLES]
Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so conflicted.
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
- [REPORTER] Do you have a statement, THĒ?
[REPORTERS CHATTERING]
Mabel, can I talk to you?
Not without them.
After the mayor killed Lester,
he told us whoever got his finger back
got the casino.
And then, he told us
to deal with Nicky's body.
And of course, we couldn't call
our assistants, which was super hard.
Um Oh.
Sorry.
We used one of Camila's paint tarps
to get his body out.
The white paint on Nicky's suit.
Not just any white.
Camila White.
[JAY] And if Nicky's body was found
the same night as Lester's,
people could think
that they were connected,
so Bash held Nicky for a week
in his cryochamber.
The freezer burn on his ear.
I hoisted him up the back stairs
to the dry cleaners.
Mabel, you've been asking
if I'm a good person.
This story probably proves that I'm not.
But I do think
that I'm different from them.
At least, I wanna be.
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
- [REPORTER] getting arrested.
- [HANDCUFFS CLICKING]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
I just confessed all that to the cops.
Hope this means you get
to keep your building.
And I hope
that I can still dream about us
being on a beach
together in the Maldives.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
How much time do you think we'll do?
Eh, doesn't matter,
I have all the time in the world.
[SOFT, PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[HANDCUFFS CLICKING]
[OFFICER] Alright, let's go.
Did we just save the building?
- Yeah, we did.
- [MABEL AND CHARLES LAUGHING]
I can't believe I saved the building!
[OFFICERS CHATTERING]
[LESTR ROBOT] After you. After you.
Sayonara.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[SOFT, PENSIVE MUSIC CONTINUES]
My apartment is empty, there's nothing
left for your mother to steal.
Yeah, not my finest moment.
But I needed to secure
my family's future.
You don't have to explain.
I know you used me.
The truth is, Charles,
I do have feelings for you.
I I knew it the minute
you caught that broccoli in your mouth.
I knew then and there
I wanted to be that broccoli.
- [CHOMPS]
- [SIGHING] Yeah.
Oh, no.
Stop.
- What about the mayor?
- Oh, that was over long ago.
I stopped waiting around
to be taken to Positano,
and I sold those billionaires
that finger, and I'm taking myself.
My plane leaves in a few hours, and
well, the seat next to me is open.
Sofia?
I'm gonna do something
I've never done before.
I'm going to say no
to a dangerous woman.
[SOFT, UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Miss you, Lester.
It's not the same without you, bud.
But we promise to keep
taking good care of the place.
Thank you, cuckoo chicks.
Thank you.
["THE FLOWER DUET"
BY LEO DELIBES PLAYING]
[BIRDSONG]
[OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
[BIRDS CONTINUE CHIRPING]
[SOFIA CACCIMELIO]
From one widow to another,
something to help your dreams come true.
Sofia.
[OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
[WAVES CRASHING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Johnny.
[JOHNNY] [VOICE BREAKING]
Ma, yeah, it's Nonna. She's dying.
- [CACCIMELIO BROTHERS CRYING]
- [SOFIA] Put her on.
The family's got all we need.
You helped a little.
[SEAGULLS CALLING]
But I did this, Mama.
Io I'ho fat to.
[OVER PHONE] So, you can shut up now.
[CACCIMELIO BROTHERS WHIMPERING]
- Nonna?
- Nonna?
- No.
- [ALL] Nonna!
[ALL SOBBING]
[OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
- Look at all the newbies.
- Right?
Hello! Howard Morris. Apartment 3D.
Secretary of the Board,
keeper of the gossip,
powerful friend, and terrible enemy.
[LESTR ROBOT] Howard is also trying out
some new cologne today.
Yeah. What's up with you?
You're wearing your sluttiest cardigan.
Perhaps I'm meeting with someone.
[LESTR ROBOT WHIRRING]
And right on cue.
Howard, you have a visitor.
- [HOWARD CHUCKLES]
- [RANDALL WINSTON] After you.
Hey.
Uh, I brought you some gardenias
from my mom's garden.
They remind me of my murdered father.
Is that weird?
It's very weird, Vinny.
And I love them.
Jesus Christ.
[LESTR ROBOT]
Gardenias are known to be toxic
to horses, dogs, and cats.
[CHARLES] Okay, are we ready
for Cinda's new podcast?
- Ooh! What's it even about?
- Murder.
Oh, and you'll like this.
It takes place across the pond.
[WITH BRITISH ACCENT]
Ooh, I love a British-tinged mystery.
- Oh, yes!
- [OLIVER CHUCKLES]
Hey, can I say something?
Uh, because this is kind of
a momentous occasion for us,
because it was almost
exactly five years ago
that the three of us got together
listening to a Cinda Canning
true crime podcast.
Aw. And Charles, may I say,
in all that time,
you've had such little growth.
I know!
[LAUGHING] It's weird.
I gotta say, guys,
I'm a little jealous of Cinda.
I mean, she's back
with this cool new case.
- It's been three months for us?
- [OLIVER] Yeah.
Alright, Cinda, lay it on us.
[CINDA] [ON PODCAST]
I'm Cinda Canning,
and this is The Girl with the Curls.
[CHARLES AND OLIVER
SHUDDERING AND LAUGHING]
[CINDA] While on holiday in the UK,
I found myself confronted
by two new obsessions
- [COUGHING]
- [CINDA] a jasmine flowering tea
that's become daily ritual,
- and a new mystery.
- [GRUNTING]
[CINDA] A story about a young woman
with curls as red as blood,
- steeped amid the London fog.
- [GAGGING AND COUGHING]
[BIRD WINGS FLUTTERING]
[CINDA] The prime suspect
in the murder of a royal descendant.
The public has turned against her,
and fueled by the British tabloids
there have been
threats against her life.
- But I believe this girl with the curls
- Are you okay? Miss?
- [CINDA] is innocent.
- Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[CINDA]
And I feel a strong need to protect her,
- to send her to America
- Miss?
Hey, can I get some help?
[CINDA] which may be the only place
- she can be safe.
- [COUGHING]
[PASSERBY] Shit!
But the Pickle Diner is our place.
Yeah, and Oliver doesn't like pickles.
True, I don't.
But I also think we should be open
to new places, diners in other parts.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[CHARLES] My God.
[TENSE, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- Howard, what happened?
- I don't know.
Don't touch her!
I called an ambulance.
I saw her collapse and then she just
She started crawling
towards the building, like
like, dragging herself.
- It was horrific!
- So, she's
And I know what you're thinking
because, I mean, I'm thinking it, too.
- It's a damn shame.
- What's a damn shame?
Just her dying on the sidewalk,
you know?
Inches from being in the building.
Barely outside the very limiting
confines of your podcast name.
Feels almost like a waste
having her die here.
No, I was just thinking
how terrible it is that she's dead.
Right, right. Same.
But also, what is technically
"in the building"?
Right, I mean,
Lester was more "in the courtyard"
if we're gonna split hairs.
And And what about the airspace
over the building?
Where would we land on that?
"In the building"
clearly means inside the gate.
So, right there.
- That line right there.
- [GASPING]
- Oh! Oh, my God!
- [ONLOOKERS CHATTERING]
[VICTIM GASPING]
[GRUNTS]
[TENSE MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[DRAMATIC UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Cinda?!
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING]
[SIREN CONTINUES WAILING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
[ONLOOKERS CHATTERING]
[SIRENS CONTINUE WAILING]
[OFFICER] Alright, radio for one.
sync & corrections awaqeded
["SOMEBODY GOT MURDERED"
BY THE CLASH PLAYING]
Goodbye, for keeps, forever ♪
Somebody ♪
Got murdered ♪
Somebody's dead forever ♪
And you're minding your own business ♪
Carrying spare change ♪
You wouldn't cosh a barber ♪
You're hungry all the same ♪
I've been very tempted ♪
To grab it from the till ♪
I've been very hungry ♪
But not enough to kill ♪
Somebody got murdered ♪
[SONG ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]