The Brady Bunch (1969) s05e10 Episode Script

1
HERE'S THE STORY
OF A LOVELY LADY
WHO WAS BRINGING UP
THREE VERY LOVELY GIRLS ♪
ALL OF THEM HAD HAIR OF GOLD ♪
LIKE THEIR MOTHER
THE YOUNGEST ONE IN CURLS
IT'S THE STORY
OF A MAN NAMED BRADY ♪
WHO WAS BUSY
WITH THREE BOYS OF HIS OWN ♪
THEY WERE FOUR MEN
LIVING ALL TOGETHER ♪
YET THEY WERE ALL ALONE
TILL THE ONE DAY WHEN
THE LADY MET THIS FELLOW ♪
AND THEY KNEW THAT IT WAS
MUCH MORE THAN A HUNCH ♪
THAT THIS GROUP MUS
SOMEHOW FORM A FAMILY ♪
THAT'S THE WAY WE ALL BECAME
THE BRADY BUNCH ♪
THE BRADY BUNCH
THE BRADY BUNCH
THAT'S THE WAY
WE BECAME THE BRADY BUNCH ♪
[piano waltz playing on stereo]
[music stops]
OK, KIDS, THAT'S FINE
FOR TODAY, THANK YOU.
WHAT ABOUT THE RECITAL,
MISS CLAIRETTE?
WELL, THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE
BEEN CHOSEN TO PARTICIPATE
WILL FIND YOUR NAMES
ON THE BULLETIN BOARD.
JAN, MAY I SEE YOU A MOMENT?
(Marcia)
OH, CINDY, WE GOT CHOSEN!
[girls chattering]
YES, MISS CLAIRETTE?
JAN, DEAR, I KNOW HOW HARD
YOU'VE TRIED IN CLASS
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME,
MISS CLAIRETTE.
I'M NOT IN THE RECITAL.
I'M SORRY, BUT, YOU KNOW,
BALLET COMES MUCH EASIER
TO SOME THAN TO OTHERS.
AND I'M ONE OF THE OTHERS.
THERE'LL BE FUTURE RECITALS.
THANKS, BUT I WON'
BE AROUND FOR THEM.
[slurping]
[smacks lips]
NOT QUITE RIGHT.
AND JUST WHAT IS WRONG
WITH OUR SPAGHETTI SAUCE?
TOO MUCH OREGANO.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. I PUT IN THE
EXACT AMOUNT THE RECIPE CALLED FOR.
[slurping] IT'S
POSSIBLE, MRS. BRADY.
I DID THE SAME THING YOU DID.
SEE, NOW THAT'S
WHY THE OLD SAYING,
IT'S "TOO MANY COOKS
SPOIL THE SPAGHETTI SAUCE."
WELL, WE'RE WILLING
TO TURN IN OUR APRONS
WHENEVER YOUR HIGHNESS IS
READY TO TAKE OVER. RIGHT, ALICE?
YES, I'll, UH, MAKE YOU
A LIFETIME GIFT OF MY LADLE.
ANYTIME. ANYTIME,
EXCEPT NOW. I'M BUSY.
AH. SEE? HE'S ALL TALK, ALICE.
CAN'T EVEN BOIL WATER
WITHOUT BURNING IT.
I HAPPEN TO HAVE BEEN A PRETTY
FAIR COOK IN MY BACHELOR DAYS.
SURE. THEN YOUR CAN OPENER
BROKE AND YOU HAD TO GET MARRIED
TO KEEP FROM STARVING. WELL,
FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
I COULD CREATE A SOUFFLE THA
WOULD LEAVE YOU BEGGING FOR MORE.
MORE WHAT, MR. BRADY?
BICARBONATE?
YEAH, WELL, I COULD. I COULD.
ALL RIGHT, WE ACCEPT YOUR OFFER.
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY
TO TAKE OVER THE KITCHEN,
JUST HOLLER.
THAT'S A DEAL.
[yells]
LUCKY SHOT.
OH, YOU WISH!
OK, WISE GUY, LET'S SEE
HOW YOU DO AGAINST ME.
(Bobby) HERE'S THE BALL.
GREAT THROW.
HEY!
HI, HONEY, HOW WAS
BALLET CLASS? HI.
AWFUL.
I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED.
HMM.
HI, MOM.
HI, WHAT HAPPENED TO JAN
AT BALLET CLASS?
YOU TELL 'EM.
YOU'RE BETTER AT BREAKING
BAD NEWS THAN I AM.
THANKS A LOT.
CINDY AND I AND SOME OTHER GIRLS
WERE CHOSEN FOR THE RECITAL.
JAN WASN'T.
SHE SANK RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF SWAN LAKE.
SHE REALLY TRIES HARD.
IT'S JUST THAT HER FEET ALWAYS
WON'T DO WHAT SHE WANTS THEM TO.
NOT EVERYBODY'S CUT OU
TO BE A BALLERINA.
MAYBE SHE'LL IMPROVE
AFTER SOME MORE LESSONS.
SHE CAN'T.
MISS CLAIRETTE SAID
SHE QUIT THE CLASS.
QUIT? WOW, SHE'S REALLY
TAKING THIS HARD, MRS. BRADY.
JAN?
MARCIA AND CINDY TOLD ME
ABOUT THE RECITAL.
I'M REALLY SORRY, HONEY.
THEY ALSO TOLD ME
YOU QUIT YOUR BALLET CLASS.
MOM, I'M ABOUT AS GRACEFUL
IN BALLET SLIPPERS
AS AN ELEPHANT IS IN ICE SKATES.
OH, JAN, YOU CAN'
BE ALL THAT BAD.
I AM.
I'M THE STUMBLE-FOO
OF THE CENTURY.
AND I REALLY WANTED TO DANCE.
WELL, HONEY, MAYBE
BALLET JUST ISN'T YOUR THING.
SURE, BUT WHAT IS MY THING?
WELL, THERE ARE OTHER
KINDS OF DANCING, YOU KNOW.
MISS CLAIRETTE'S SCHOOL
TEACHES TAP, JAZZ, FOLK.
YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW
UNLESS YOU TRY.
THINK ABOUT IT.
LISTEN, IT TOOK ME 3 DAYS
TO GET PREPARED FOR THIS.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
SOUFFLE AUX TROIS FROMAGES.
OOH-LA-LA.
PLEASE, A LITTLE LESS BREATHING
UNTIL I GET THIS INTO THE OVEN.
WOULD YOU UM, NO.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
GET A LOAD OF THIS.
I TOOK YOUR ADVICE, MOM.
I'M TAKING UP TAP DANCING
IN MISS CLAIRETTE'S SCHOOL.
SO I HEAR.
[panting]
THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN COMING
HOME LATE THESE PAST FEW DAYS.
I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU.
I'll BET THE KITCHEN FLOOR IS, TOO.
LOOK WHAT I LEARNED TODAY.
HEY, HEY! OH!
OH!
COULDN'T YOU DANCE IN PLACE?
I'M SORRY, DAD.
WAS TAP DANCING YOUR IDEA?
I GUESS SO. I
I SUGGESTED THAT SHE TRY
ANOTHER KIND OF DANCING
TO CHEER HER UP.
WHAT ABOUT THE OLD SOFT SHOE?
OK, YOU READY TO RECORD?
YEAH. OK, GO.
[Jan tap-dancing]
GUESS WHO?
THE BLONDE WOODPECKER?
JAN!
I'M TRYING TO LEARN A ROUTINE.
[sighing]
NOW LOOK WHAT SHE'S DONE.
MAYBE WE CAN
GLUE IT BACK TOGETHER.
THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM.
WHAT DO WE DO ABOU
US COMING UNGLUED?
THAT WAS A DELICIOUS
BREAKFAST, LADIES.
THANK YOU, MR. BRADY.
NO SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO MAKE
IT BETTER FROM THE SUPER CHEF?
I THINK HE IS BACKING AWAY
FROM HIS OFFER, MRS. BRADY.
MMM, I AM NOT. I HAVE ALREADY
MADE A SOUFFLE, HAVEN'T I?
UH, YOU ALMOST MADE A SOUFFLE.
OK.
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I'M
GONNA DO, YOU WISE GUYS.
YEAH?
COME SATURDAY,
I AM GONNA PREPARE
NOT JUST A SIMPLE DISH,
BUT AN ENTIRE GOURMET DINNER.
CONSISTING OF WHAT, MR. BRADY?
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
BUT, HONEY, WE HAVE TO KNOW
WHAT THE INGREDIENTS ARE
WHEN THEY ASK US
AT THE HOSPITAL.
[chuckles]
(Bobby) DAD?
ASK YOUR MOTHER.
I GOTTA GO TO WORK.
MOM, WILL YOU DO
SOMETHING ABOUT JAN?
I'M BEGINNING TO
HEAR TAP IN MY SLEEP.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT I
LATER, OK? HAVE A GOOD DAY.
BYE-BYE.
BYE. BYE.
GOOD MORNING. HI, MORNING.
MOM, YOU'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT JAN.
SHE'S REALLY BUGGING US.
TALK ABOUT NOISE POLLUTION.
AW, BE PATIENT WITH HER, KIDS.
I'M SURE, AFTER
A FEW MORE LESSONS
SHE'LL GET MUCH BETTER AT IT.
NO WAY.
I SAW A BEAR ON T.V.
DO A BETTER TAP DANCE.
MOM, JAN REALLY HAS
NO TALENT FOR TAP DANCE.
MARCIA
NO, I GUESS I DON'T.
I'M SORRY, JAN.
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.
THAT'S OK, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I HAVE NO TALEN
FOR TAP DANCING.
IN FACT, I HAVE NO TALEN
FOR ANYTHING AT ALL.
NOW, JAN, THAT IS NOT TRUE.
YES, IT IS.
I DIDN'T KNOW JAN WAS THERE.
JAN JUST HAS TO KEEP LOOKING
UNTIL SHE FINDS SOMETHING
SHE REALLY DOES WELL.
HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
MAYBE I KNOW JUST THE THING
FOR JAN TO DO.
I'll CHECK WITH HER
RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.
UH, MARCIA, WHAT IS IT?
JUST AS SOON AS I
ARRANGE IT, I'll LET YOU KNOW.
OH, HERE, HERE. TAKE YOUR LUNCH.
HAVE A GOOD DAY.
BYE-BYE. YOU TOO.
YOU LOOK GREAT, JAN.
BETTER THAN WHEN
I WAS A DRUM MAJORETTE.
THANKS.
AND, YOU KNOW,
BEING A DRUM MAJORETTE
HAS LOTS OF FRINGE BENEFITS.
LIKE WHAT?
WELL, LIKE A BAND FULL OF BOYS.
OH, I HOPE I CAN DO THIS.
IF I CAN, ANYBODY CAN.
IT'S A CINCH.
THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA MARCIA HAD.
JAN LOOKS SO CUTE IN THE HAT.
WELL, HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.
OK.
NOW, YOU HOLD I
RIGHT ABOUT THERE.
GET IT GOING.
NOW, AT FIRST, YOU HOLD
YOUR WRIST LIKE THIS
SO YOU CAN GET USED TO
THE TWIRLING MOTION, SEE?
THINK YOU GOT IT?
YEAH, I THINK SO.
OK, NOW TRY IT. OK.
HOLD IT RIGHT.
GOOD.
HEY, YOU'RE GETTING
THE HANG OF IT!
GREAT! FASTER!
COME ON! FASTER!
NOW TOSS IT.
[glass shattering]
LUCKY WE SAW THAT COMING.
[sighing]
WHY DON'T YOU SAY IT?
I'M STRICTLY A NO-TALENT!
I'll NEVER BE GOOD AT ANYTHING.
NEVER!
AH, AH, AH!
I'M ASHAMED OF MYSELF, GREG,
AND I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
UNLESS I THINK IT'LL HELP.
[door closing]
(Marcia) HI. HI.
ANYBODY FOR HOT CHOCOLATE?
OH, GREAT, ALICE.
HEY, HOW'D
THE BALLET RECITAL GO?
MARCIA AND CINDY WERE TERRIFIC.
THEY WERE THE BEST IN THE CLASS.
MOM, DAD, DON'T BE SO UNBIASED.
WELL.
EVERYTHING OK AT HOME?
EVERYTHING BUT JAN.
SHE HASN'T LEFT HER ROOM
ALL NIGHT.
I TRIED TO TALK TO HER,
BUT ON A SCALE FROM 1 TO 10,
SHE FIGURES HERSELF
AT ABOUT MINUS 3.
JAN'S A BIG GIRL NOW.
SHE'S GONNA HAVE TO LEARN
TO FACE THAT KIND OF A PROBLEM.
WELL, YOU 2 GIRLS GET TO BED
RIGHT AFTER
THE HOT CHOCOLATE, OK?
GOOD NIGHT, ALICE. GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, GREG. GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, ALL.
POOR JAN.
SHE MUST BE THE MOS
MISERABLE MEMBER
OF THIS WHOLE HUMAN RACE.
AND THAT'S A RACE YOU CAN'T QUIT.
AND IT'S THE ONLY RACE IN TOWN.
PROBLEM IS SHE'S LOS
ALL HER SELF-CONFIDENCE.
AND THE QUESTION IS,
HOW DOES SHE GET IT BACK?
SIMPLE. ALL SHE HAS TO BE
IS GOOD AT SOMETHING
INSTEAD OF BAD.
SOMEDAY THERE'LL BE
A PILL WE CAN TAKE
FOR INSTANT GOOD.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THERE IS A WAY
SHE CAN BE INSTANT GOOD.
HEY, IT JUST MIGHT WORK.
IT'S WORTH A TRY.
OK BY ME.
OK BY ME, TOO
AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.
OK, NOW MAKE IT SOUND LEGITIMATE
SO JAN DOESN'T GET SUSPICIOUS.
[whispering] ALL RIGHT?
BOY, IT'LL BE THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVER THROWN
A PING-PONG GAME.
[whispers] HERE SHE COMES.
[birds chirping]
GREG, WE JUST DON'T HAVE
TIME TO PLAY PING-PONG.
BUT I NEED THE PRACTICE.
I'M SORRY. YOU'LL HAVE
TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE.
WE'RE BUSY.
[sighing]
JAN, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO ME
A REALLY BIG FAVOR?
WHAT?
WELL, I'M ENTERING THIS
PING-PONG CONTES
AND I NEED ALL THE PRACTICE
I CAN GET.
YOU WANNA PRACTICE WITH ME?
I CAN'T PRACTICE BY MYSELF.
WELL, OK, BUT I'M NOT VERY GOOD.
OH, HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
LISTEN, YOU'D BE DOING ME A
REALLY BIG FAVOR, THANKS. OK.
READY? YEAH.
GOOD SHOT.
WHAT KIND OF A SPIN
DID YOU PUT ON THE BALL?
ONE FOR ME. YOU SERVE AGAIN.
YOU DID IT AGAIN.
ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVEN'
BEEN PRACTICING ON THE SIDE?
NO, HONEST.
YOU'RE BETTER THAN YOU THINK.
20-17, GAME POINT.
YEAH.
THAT'S IT, I WON!
I ACTUALLY BEAT YOU. I WON!
[clapping] OH!
LOOK, DO ME ANOTHER FAVOR, HUH?
WHAT?
DON'T TELL PETER OR BOBBY.
I COULD NEVER LIVE I
DOWN. SURE, I'll PROTECT YOU.
THANKS, JAN. GOOD GAME.
AND I OWN THAT HOTEL, TOO,
AND YOU OWE ME $1,500 BESIDES.
THAT WIPES ME OUT.
YOU WIN AGAIN, JAN.
DO YOU WANNA PLAY ONE MORE TIME?
NO WAY! YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME.
YOU'RE A FINANCIAL GENIUS.
I GUESS I AM PRETTY GOOD.
YOU'RE A REGULAR HOWARD HUGHES.
SEE YOU LATER.
MAN, SHE'S SANDBAGGIN' US.
YEAH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WEREN'T ANY GOOD AT DARTS.
I DIDN'T THINK I WAS.
OH, THIS GIVES ME 40 POINTS.
YOU'RE SKUNKIN' US.
WELL, WE CAN'T ALL BE WINNERS.
I'll PRACTICE, AND I'll
CHALLENGE YOU TOMORROW.
ANYTIME.
GREAT. NO GIRL'S GONNA BEAT ME.
YOU'RE A BETTER ACTOR
THAN RICHARD BURTON.
YOU'RE A BETTER ACTOR
THAN ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
(Mike) H-HELP!
SOMEBODY LEND A HAND!
OH, WELL, I'M ON MY WAY.
I'M ABOUT TO LOSE
THE EGGS. ALICE, QUICK.
GOT IT! I GOT IT, I GOT IT.
OH, HONEY, WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
UH, SORRY, EVERY ITEM
IS CLASSIFIED "TOP SECRET."
FOR THAT GOURMET DINNER
YOU'RE GOING TO COOK, MR. BRADY?
YES. AND ANYONE CAUGHT SNOOPING
GETS THE FIRING SQUAD.
UM, ALICE, I THINK I KNOW
WHY HE'S KEEPING SATURDAY'S
MENU SUCH A SECRET.
WHY, MRS. BRADY?
SO WHEN HE MESSES IT UP,
WE WON'T KNOW
WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
THEY DO SAY THAT 90%
OF THE DOMESTIC ACCIDENTS
OCCUR IN THE KITCHEN.
LAUGH IF YOU MUST,
BUT REMEMBER WHAT I SAID,
"TOP SECRET."
OOH.
HI, ANYBODY SEEN JAN?
SHE WENT TO THE
LIBRARY, HONEY. WHY?
OH, I JUST THOUGHT I'D LE
HER BEAT ME AT CHECKERS.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
TO GIVE HER CONFIDENCE.
TO MAKE HER THINK
SHE'S GOOD AT SOMETHING.
THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN DOING.
HOW LONG DO YOU AND
YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS
PLAN TO KEEP LOSING TO JAN?
I DON'T KNOW.
A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
I'll ASK GREG.
CINDY, LOOK, IT'S NICE THA
YOU KIDS WANNA HELP JAN,
BUT YOU'RE NOT BEING VERY
HONEST WITH HER IF YOU DO THAT.
HONEY, IT'S NOT A REAL VICTORY
IF EVERYBODY'S JUS
PRETENDING TO LOSE.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
SO I'M SPEAKING FOR ALL
THE KIDS. WE'RE SORRY.
WE WERE ONLY TRYING TO HELP.
YEAH, WELL, THANKS FOR
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.
GREG, WHY DON'T YOU GO ROUND
UP THE KIDS FOR DINNER, OK?
OK, THEY'RE OUT IN BACK.
YOU KNOW,
I WOULD SAY THAT GOES TO PROVE
HOW MUCH YOUR BROTHERS
AND SISTERS CARE ABOUT YOU.
IT ALSO PROVES SOMETHING ELSE.
IT PROVES THA
EVERYBODY FEELS SORRY
FOR LITTLE JAN BRADY, THE LOSER.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I AM,
A BORN LOSER.
JAN WAIT A MINUTE, HONEY.
LISTEN, ALL THEY'RE TRYING TO DO
IS GIVE YOU A LITTLE CONFIDENCE.
I DO HAVE CONFIDENCE.
I'M CONFIDENT THA
I'M A NO-TALENT LOSER.
NO, NO, EVERYONE HAS
TALENT SOMEWHERE
AND YOU'LL NEVER FIND
WHERE YOURS LIES
IF YOU QUIT TRYING.
YOUR FATHER'S RIGHT, JAN.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP TRYING IN LIFE.
YOU'LL NEVER SUCCEED A
ANYTHING IF YOU'RE A QUITTER.
BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO TRY.
I'M SURE THERE ARE LOTS
OF THINGS SHE COULD DO.
THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF
THINGS GOING ON AT SCHOOL.
THERE ARE CLUB ACTIVITIES,
THERE ARE PLAYS
PLAYS! THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. YES.
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK
INTO THAT TOMORROW?
MAYBE I WILL.
PROMISE.
OK, I PROMISE.
I GUESS I'VE GO
NOTHING TO LOSE.
NOTHING EXCEPT YOUR NO-TALENT.
[chuckles]
[whistling] HI, MRS. BRADY.
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE
AFTERNOON SNACK?
OH, NO THANKS, ALICE.
I WISH YOU'D SAY YES. WHY?
BECAUSE IT WOULD GIVE ME A
CHANCE TO PEEK AT THE FOOD
MR. BRADY HAS IN THE FREEZER.
NOW, ALICE, WE PROMISED.
YOU'RE RIGHT, I'll WASH
MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP.
FOR EVEN SUGGESTING IT.
WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH,
WILL YOU SUGGEST IT AGAIN?
I'M WEAKENING.
[footsteps approaching]
MOM, I DID IT.
I FOUND SOMETHING AT SCHOOL
THAT I'M REALLY INTERESTED IN.
WHAT, HONEY?
I'M TRYING OUT FOR THE LEAD
IN THE SCHOOL PLAY.
OH, JAN, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
[whistles]
ANYWAY, THE PLAY'S ABOU
AN AMERICAN GIRL IN PARIS
WHO'S STARVING AND PAINTING
AND TRYING TO PAY HER BILLS.
WHILE I'M TELLING YOU ALL THIS
I SHOULD BE LEARNING MY LINES.
I HAVE TO KNOW EVERY
ONE OF THEM BY TOMORROW.
WHY SO SOON?
BECAUSE I SIGNED UP SO LATE.
GIRLS. THEY'RE
ABSOLUTELY UNPREDICTABLE.
MAYBE THAT'S WHY
THEY GROW UP TO BE WOMEN.
(Mrs. Ferguson) THAT WAS VERY
NICE, CHILDREN, THANK YOU.
NEXT ARE JAN BRADY
AND BILLY NAYLOR.
WELL, HERE GOES.
OK, JAN, NOW REMEMBER,
SELF-CONFIDENCE.
RIGHT, SELF-CONFIDENCE.
WHAT'S THE PAINTING, JAN?
OH, WELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
PAINTING IN THE SCENE
SO I STARTED THIS LAST NIGH
WHEN I WAS AT HOME.
IT'LL MAKE IT EASIER FOR ME.
OK, WELL, YOU AND BILLY
MAY BEGIN WHEN YOU'RE READY.
OK.
COME IN.
NO, JAN, YOU WAI
TILL THE LANDLORD KNOCKS.
OH. SORRY.
[knock on door]
COME IN.
[in French accent] MADEMOISELLE,
I'VE COME TO GIVE YOU.
ONE FINAL CHANCE
TO PAY THE RENT.
BUT, MONSIEUR,
I MUST HAVE MORE TIME.
I'VE ALMOST FINISHED MY PAINTING.
JAN, YOU HAVE
ANOTHER LINE, DEAR.
OH, RIGHT. SORRY.
LET'S START AGAIN.
COME IN.
I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOCK FIRST!
[sighing]
[knocking]
COME IN, BILLY.
JAN, HE'S THE LANDLORD,
NOT BILLY. GO AHEAD.
MADEMOISELLE,
I HAVE COME TO GIVE YOU.
ONE FINAL CHANCE
TO PAY THE RENT.
BUT, MONSIEUR,
I MUST HAVE MORE TIME.
I'VE ALMOST FINISHED MY PAINTING.
OH, UH.
UH, I'M SURE I'll SELL IT.
WHO WOULD BUY
SUCH A HORRIBLE PAINTING?
I MUST HAVE THE RENT!
SHE IS LONG OVERDUE!
BUT I HAVE NO MONEY.
OH, HERE, HOLD THIS.
[exclaims] HEY!
I'M SORRY, BILLY.
(Billy) HEY!
JAN, DEAR, ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE UP TO THIS?
I MEAN, YOU DID HAVE
ONLY ONE NIGHT TO LEARN IT.
NO, MRS. FERGUSON,
I'M NOT UP TO THIS.
MAYBE OUR NEXT PLAY.
THERE WON'T BE
A NEXT ONE FOR ME.
MOM, JAN'S TRYOU
WAS A DISASTER.
SHE COULDN'T GET ANYTHING RIGHT.
POOR KID.
SHE'S GOING TO BE MORE
MISERABLE NOW THAN EVER.
HI, MOM, HI, PETE.
HI, JAN.
WERE YOU PUTTING ME ON?
NO, SHE REALLY
BOMBED OUT, HONEST.
BOY, DID I EVER BOMB OUT.
WELL, I'M DELIGHTED TO SEE
YOU'RE SO HAPPY ABOUT IT.
WELL, IT'S WHAT HAPPENED
AFTERWARDS
WHEN MRS. FERGUSON
CALLED ME BACK.
YOU HAD LEFT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, YOU KNOW THAT PICTURE
I PAINTED FOR THE PLAY?
MRS. FERGUSON IS
ALSO OUR ART TEACHER.
SHE SAYS THAT I SHOW
A REAL TALENT AS A PAINTER,
THAT MY PAINTING WAS TERRIFIC,
AND THAT SHE WANTS ME
TO ENROLL IN HER ART CLASS.
OH, JAN, THAT'S GREAT.
GOOD.
NOW, HOW ABOUT THAT?
SHE TRIES OUT AS AN ACTRESS
AND WINDS UP AN ARTIST.
YOU AND DAD WERE RIGHT, MOM.
IF I HADN'T KEPT TRYING,
I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN.
HEY, I WONDER IF IT WORKS
THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
MAYBE IF I TRIED TO PAINT,
SOMEBODY WOULD DISCOVER
HOW MUCH RAQUEL WELCH
AND I HAVE IN COMMON.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE
SHIRLEY TEMPLE?
IS TONIGHT'S MENU
STILL A TOP SECRET?
NO, IT IS NOW DECLASSIFIED.
VICHYSSOISE, CAESAR SALAD,
CHOCOLATE MOUSSE IN THE ICEBOX,
TOMATOES PARMESAN
IN THE BROILER,
ASPARAGUS HOLLANDAISE OH.
AND THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE,
BOEUF BOURGUIGNON
AUX CHAMPIGNONS.
OH, HONEY, IT LOOKS
AND SMELLS DELICIOUS.
YOU ARE THE GREATEST.
YES, THAT'S TRUE.
I HAVE TOO MUCH HUMILITY
TO DISAGREE WITH YOU.
WELL, CALL THE KIDS,
'CAUSE DINNER'S READY.
OH, THAT PRESENTS A PROBLEM.
HMM?
THE KIDS ARE GOING TO A
SURPRISE PARTY TONIGHT.
WHAT?
YOU MEAN AFTER I'VE SLAVED
OVER A HOT STOVE,
MAKING ALL THIS FOOD?
ALICE AND I WILL EAT OUR SHARE.
HONEY, I'VE GOT ENOUGH
FOOD HERE FOR 9 PEOPLE.
OH.
WELL, CALL ALICE TO THE TABLE.
I'll START SERVING IT.
TALK ABOUT LACK OF APPRECIATION.
ALL THE MONEY I SPEN
PREPARING ALL THIS GLUCK.
(all) SURPRISE!
A SURPRISE PARTY, HUH?
WELL, YOU GOTTA ADMI
YOU WERE SURPRISED.
(children) WE WANT TO EAT!
WE WANT TO EAT! WE WANT TO EAT!
HOLD IT!
AND I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
OH, WHAT?
[in French accent]
THE COOK HAS RESIGNED.
AND YOU ARE SERVING THE DINNER.
WELL, WHAT DID I TELL YOU, ALICE?
I KNEW WE'D WIND UP
DOING ALL THE WORK.
[laughing]