Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e11 Episode Script

1
[JACOB] Okay,
let's keep the pace steady, guys.
Remember, it is a stroll, not a sprint.
[STUDENT 1 GRUNTS]
It was my turn to teach PE this week,
and although most of the athletic skills
in my family went to my brother, Caleb,
I know a thing or two
about a long cathartic walk.
Mr. C, this is so boring.
Well, have you ever tried
winning fake arguments in your head?
That works for me.
Can we just play dodgeball again?
[JACOB CHUCKLES]
However, it's been hard
to find things for them to do.
Only thing they like is dodgeball.
But what am I gonna do?
Have them play dodgeball
every time? 'Cause…
Yeah, I… I think I might do that.
[INHALES] We really need a gym teacher.
[CLAMORING]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[BARBARA SHOUTS] Jacob!
We also need a gym.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
"And the bunny jumped so high,
that even the clouds said,
- 'Good morning.'"
- [STUDENTS] Good morning.
Yes.
So it's been about four weeks now
in the mall, and it's not great.
But we're kind of doing awesome.
We even sent out report cards,
and the students
are actually getting better grades
than they did this time last year.
So not to flex,
but it's kind of amazing how well
we made this mall work out for us.
Maybe you can win "a mall."
Now, what is a good name for a bunny?
- Uh, Sierra.
- Hopper.
[JANINE] Hopper, yes.
Hey, Diante.
Why don't you come sit right here, right?
'Cause I think that Sierra is doing
an excellent job during reading time,
and she might help you focus, right?
Good.
[SINGSONGY] This is what I do. [CHUCKLES]
[PHONE RINGING]
Not now, Dia. I'm trying to get ready
for this staff meeting.
I have it on my schedule that you
have a meeting with a Mr. Johnson.
[RINGING STOPS]
I'm ready for my meeting.
- What do you want?
- This mall is too damn big.
I can't clean it all myself.
I'm just a man with a mop.
- Fine, I'll see if I can find somebody.
- No need.
I put together a short list of individuals
who have a particular
set of cleaning skills.
"Mr. Ronson."
The janitor
that invented Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
- "John Wick." Not a real person.
- Not that John Wick.
John Wick the janitor, who also
happens to be an assassin of dirt.
Well, none of these people are in a union.
But the district threw us into a mall,
so hopefully they'll send somebody.
[MR. JOHNSON] She didn't
read through the entire list.
"Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting."
Mr. Johnson, different spelling,
same swagger.
WALL-E…" If you like clankers.
And last but not least, "Gregory Eddie"
because that man always needs a job.
And remember, unlike our school,
the rodents run the building.
They were here before us,
and they'll be here long after us,
so show them some respect.
I held the door open for one this morning.
Please stop letting more rats in.
He was actually on
his way out, but okay.
My bad.
Also, the district said
that they're coming by
later this week
with some exciting news to share.
I'm guessing it's
about getting back into
Abbott, otherwise just
send an email. Duh.
Right. I hate emails
that could have been meetings. [CHUCKLES]
That has to mean
that we're gonna go back, right?
Actually, when I rode by
the school last week,
all of the construction trucks
were cleared.
[GASPS] Hallelujah, we're going home.
- Guys, we did it. Mmm.
- [GREGORY STAMMERS]
We survived the mall.
Barbara. I just want to say
that you held this down,
- as always, with such poise.
- Thank you.
And, Melissa,
no one adapted better than you.
I mean, you basically
turned into your younger self. [CHUCKLES]
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, we really been through some stuff.
I didn't think we were gonna make it.
- Well, some of us did not make it.
- [JACOB] Mmm.
- [MELISSA] Oh, yeah. People quit.
- [JANINE] Yeah.
Damn, was that this year?
You know, I just want
everybody to know that you should
be very proud of yourselves
because this, this was a thankless job.
- But what we did was one for the books.
- Mmm. Yes.
Even if nobody on the outside will ever
know it or truly appreciate it.
Just like Night at the Museum 2.
What?
Battle of the Smithsonian?
The exhibits come to life?
Forcing an unappreciated trauma
bond between the core characters,
which they can't talk about
[BOTH] because how do you explain magic?
- Oh, my God.
- Why?
That movie is in my top five.
Good morning.
You must be Mr. Johnson.
I'm Ms. Carol,
the additional janitor you asked for.
[SMACKS LIPS] There seems
to have been a mistake.
You're definitely not on my list.
I wasn't told about a list.
I was just told that the person cleaning
this mall wasn't man
enough to handle it.
Which is why they sent in a real janitor.
[BLOWS]
I may be old-fashioned,
but women have no business cleaning.
You ask me, they need to
get back to where they belong:
in the Wall Street
boardroom and coaching in the NFL.
[AVA] All right, all right, settle down.
The district is here
with what they keep saying
is an important announcement,
but then they sent him.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES] Hey, everyone.
[WHISPERS] Janine, Jacob,
what's good? Dude
Simon, are we getting back
into Abbott or what?
Yes. Is it ready yet? [CHUCKLES]
We are gonna get you
back in there very soon.
Oh, okay, but I'm here
for something even sicker.
Okay, The Philadelphia Inquirer has
sent a reporter to do
an article about you.
Oh, hi. [CHUCKLES]
Wait. Why?
- Oh, hey, man. What's up? How you doing?
- What's up?
- You good?
- [GREGORY] Good to see you.
- Come on.
- Look, as I'm sure you all know,
you've been straight up
killing it in this space, okay.
Grades are up, incidents are down,
and people are taking notice.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
Yeah, okay.
What else you gotta say about us?
Well, you're changing
the face of education.
So much so, we think this is worthy
enough for the front page. [CHUCKLES]
I've always thought that.
I've always thought that.
Yeah, it's totally tubular.
Well, finally some thanks.
- It's about time.
- [SIMON] And that's not all.
We reached out to Scholastic
to tell them about it.
They've decided to donate brand-new
school supplies and
even a mobile library.
Oh, Like the Criterion Closet.
- [CHEERING]
- [SIMON CHUCKLES]
I don't know what that is.
Criter… The movies? It's like a…
You guys are rock stars!
All of you! Yes, exactly. [LAUGHS]
Extra! Extra! Read all about us!
[JANINE SHRIEKS]
"Do schools even need schools?"
That's a weird headline.
No, that's because
you're reading it wrong.
It's, "Do schools even need schools?"
- Right.
- [JANINE] Oh, my God. They used my quote.
"Teaching is fun."
Did they use mine? The Giants suck.
- Is that in here or…
- [AVA] Move, move, move.
You all are so concerned with pull quotes,
you're missing the bigger picture.
How did they make us look?
Incredible. It's all about how
even under dire circumstances
we are rising to the occasion.
No, dum-dum. How did we look?
- The pictures.
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh. Beautiful. Obviously.
- [MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
[BARBARA] I wouldn't kick us
out of the pew.
[GASPS] Y'all, look.
They called us heroes.
You know, I always heard people
call teachers heroes, and I was like,
"Huh?" But now that it's about me,
I kind of get it.
Are we sure this is the message
we want to send to the public?
I mean, our library is in a truck.
This is a good thing.
- How could it not be?
- [MELISSA] Hmm.
[MR. JOHNSON] Hey.
What do you think you're doing?
- This is called cleaning.
- I know what it's called, I invented it.
But you're supposed to start
on the first floor. Dust kicks up.
No, start with the second floor.
Dirt goes down.
Lady, what are you even
doing this work for?
You should be in active combat
or flying a space shuttle somewhere.
Well, bad news for you 'cause I'm
right here in this mall on planet Earth.
So why don't you clean
your precious downstairs
and we can just meet in the middle.
Fine.
Fine.
A woman with a mop.
- The whole dang world is falling apart.
- [MOP TROLLEY RUMBLE]
Ooh. The Schemmenti family name
on the front page
and nowhere does it say
evasion, tax, or conviction.
Ms. Alomar, have you seen the front page
of The Inquirer? We're on it. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, nice. That is pretty great.
The district came down, and they
told us how we're killing it. [CHUCKLES]
And then Scholastic donated
all these school supplies.
- Folders, pens, pencils.
- [MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
Do yourself a kindness
and poke into the box of erasers.
Not a bad color in the lot.
Yeah, and the district
is loving it. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, I bet they are.
What do you mean by that?
Was it the headline that threw you off?
'Cause it got me at first too.
I think it's more,
"Do schools even need schools?"
And less, "Do schools even need schools?"
When the district was here,
did they tell you guys
when you're getting back into Abbott?
- They did. "Soon."
- Yep.
Look, I'm not saying the article is bad.
I just think they're using
it as a way to distract you guys
from the fact that you're not
getting back into Abbott.
That is absurd. [CHUCKLES]
Like, who even would use the media
to distract people from shady stuff?
Correct.
Girl, you are tall, but you are wrong.
Okay, but I've also seen
construction workers
at another school who said
the district pulled them from Abbott.
Well, that's probably because the
crew was basically done at Abbott
and so, that's why there
were no trucks when I rode by.
- Yeah.
- [BARBARA] Yes.
Tall, wrong, bogus.
Or you guys are doing
such a good job here,
that now there's no sense of urgency.
But hey,
I didn't come here to burst any bubbles.
Oh, really?
Because I see no bubbles left unbursted.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm wrong.
- Yeah.
- Or maybe I'm tall and right.
Who could know?
[STAMMERS]
[SCOFFS] She's clearly confused.
[CHUCKLES]
- [BARBARA] Yeah.
- Yeah.
But what if, just for the sake of it,
we see for ourselves?
'Cause I'm 99% sure that I am both short
and right, which is
the best combination.
Right?
- Right.
- But let's go see.
Watch where you're going.
I must have been focused on all the
dirt that still needs to be cleaned up.
Please. My side is practically spotless.
[MS. CAROL] Really?
With that sorry solution?
Like yours is anything special.
What you got there?
- Clorox?
- It's homemade.
So is my concoction.
- On three we say the ingredients.
- Three.
[BOTH] Ammonia, juice of three lemons,
and a dash of cognac.
I guess you do know your stuff.
I'll teach you a trick to enhance it.
Bootleg Chanel No. 5.
- The real stuff won't do it.
- [BOTTLE HISSING]
[THUDS]
You're different than I thought.
[CHUCKLES] I get that a lot.
But so are you.
- Well, look at that.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm.
Everything's coming along just fine.
I'ma climb a ladder
and make Alomar eat her words.
Oh?
[JACOB GASPS]
[GASPS] A squatter. He has a right to
be here. You have the right to be here.
No, I'm just
a construction worker on my lunch break.
So, you guys going for, like,
a henchman's lair kinda vibe?
Yeah, you guys are
almost done here, right?
Define "almost" and "done"
and "guys," 'cause it's just me.
So you're telling us that you are
the sole construction worker
for this entire school?
Well, they pulled the other guys
off this project
to handle something pressing
at another school.
What could be more pressing
than getting us out of a mall?
Okay, well, hang on,
it's not the mall's fault.
Oh, yeah. Y'all the mall school
people from in the paper.
Seems like y'all doing
all right over there.
Good on y'all.
[SIGHS] Can't go anywhere
without being recognized.
Just tell us when this is gonna be done.
Don't know. I'm just a guy
with a sandwich and a hammer.
- [BARBARA] What?
- You don't have a hammer.
That's what I forgot at home.
Gonna set us back another day for sure.
You know what?
Now you don't have a sandwich either.
Give me your napkin.
I thought I would feel better after
getting some answers,
but I feel nothing.
At least before it felt like there was
light at the end of the tunnel, yeah?
But now it feels like we
are trapped in the tunnel,
which is why I always tell Gerald,
take the bridge.
Oh. Trapped in a tunnel.
It's my second-greatest fear.
Unfortunately, death by bridge
is number one, so what are you gonna do?
But yeah, I'm bummed too.
Well, at least now we know.
I mean, that's something.
So let's just put our
heads down and keep working.
Look, we've been doing a great job
in the mall, so we can keep doing it.
What? I can be mad at the district too.
I've just never seen you throw out
a good picture of yourself before.
Oh. [BLEEP]
[BANGING]
Diante, remember,
it is quiet working time.
Sierra, why don't you come
over here and sit by Diante, okay?
[GRUNTS]
[JANINE] Sierra, everything okay?
I just wanted to sit with my friends,
and you're making me
sit with Diante again.
Well… [SIGHS] …look,
it's just that Diante
can sometimes use
a little bit more help,
and you're doing so well.
It's not fair though.
It may not seem fair,
but you should feel good that no matter
what situation I put you in,
you always rise to the occasion and…
Oh, my God!
She's a metaphor, don't you get it?
She's Abbott. I am the district.
Diante's the mall,
or he's the other school or something.
Whatever. Just trust me, it works.
We don't have to take this!
Yeah! Twisted Sister,
except it's "we're"
not gonna take it." God, the 80s rocked!
No, the district is punishing us
because we're the good kid,
which is what I was doing
to Sierra and Diante in my class,
but don't worry, I stopped.
The district didn't.
W-What's happening now?
Okay, because we did such a great
job managing this terrible situation,
the district's just gonna
keep us in this mall forever.
They should be
rewarding us for crushing it,
but instead,
they're taking away our construction crew
and giving it away to some
other struggling school à la Diante,
because they think we can handle it.
Okay, yeah. I'm following you. Uh-huh.
Right, and we need to stand up
to them the way Sierra stood up to me.
Nope, lost it.
What I'm saying is that it's not right
for me to punish Sierra for doing well,
and it isn't right for Simon
to do the same thing to us, okay?
So we're not gonna take it!
- Rock and roll!
- Yes!
We need to go down to the district
and demand that they fix our school.
Now who the hell is with me?
You had me at Twisted Sister, sister.
- I'm in! [GRUNTS]
- Yeah.
Although I am most certainly
not following your logic,
I too am fed up to here
with the district
taking advantage of us. [GRUNTS]
I love when Barb gets mad.
- Anyone else?
- [JACOB] Hear, hear!
The district won't know what's coming!
[JANINE] You all right?
You wanna get down?
Get down. Did you get dizzy?
But I love the energy.
- Let's go!
- [GREGORY] Yeah.
- [BARBARA] All right.
- [MELISSA] She means now.
Did you get the metaphor? Because
it feels like people didn't get it.
Yeah, yeah. No, no.
I got it. It makes sense.
- You're good. You're good.
- Okay. Let's go!
- [BARBARA] Let's go. Come on, honey.
- [JANINE] Let's go!
That's when I knew I had to
give up being a supermodel,
pick up the mop, and go after my dreams.
A former model myself.
I walked down so many runways,
I never knew where I was headed.
How do you just get it?
One day someone spilled a Zima backstage.
I cleaned it up, never looked back.
I've been chasing that high ever since.
I've cleaned all over this world, but no
one has ever understood me like you do.
All my life, I thought
I'd be a lone custodial wolf,
but Ms. Carol has opened my eyes.
Women can be so much
more than oil riggers,
miners, steel workers.
They can clean,
and let no one tell you otherwise.
Anything is possible.
Anything is possible! [ECHOES]
[CLEARS THROAT] Simon, we are sick…
Oh, he's on the phone.
- [SIMON] Hey, everybody.
- Just go ahead.
[SIMON] Could you guys
come back in, like, five maybe?
I don't think so, pal. [EXHALES]
Yeah, no,
I guess I can call my grammy back later.
- [ALL] Yeah.
- So what-what can I do for the, uh,
the heroes of Abbott Elementary?
[CHUCKLES] The heroes. Wait, no!
Enough of your mind tricks.
They will not work on us anymore.
Yeah, we're done
with your worthless compliments,
while you actively don't support us.
Oh, man, I worked really hard on those,
but I appreciate
the constructive feedback.
That shows that you care.
- Oh.
- You district people
have been slow as sloths repairing Abbott.
Yeah, so we went down there
to see for ourselves, and surprise!
- [GRUNTS]
- [JANINE] Yeah, no one's working.
Except that one hammer sandwich
guy, and there's no way he's enough!
Yeah, you're taking advantage
of us because we're good at what we do
just to make our jobs harder.
And if there's one thing I won't
stand for, it's-it's
making my job harder.
Okay, I-I'm sorry
that the school repairs
are not going as quick as you'd like.
But on God, we're not punishing you.
- Maybe not on purpose, but
- But it's what's going on.
It finally happened.
I finished one of your sentences, man.
Listen, your furnace breaking alerted
us to other problems
across the district.
So we're trying to fix those schools
before their buildings become unusable.
There's only so many dead malls.
Yes, but those students
are still in working schools,
while my children… [SCOFFS]
…they are learning in a bankrupt KB Toys.
And now our kids know that toy stores
used to exist and can close.
- It's not a fun conversation.
- [BARBARA] Mm-mmm.
Look, I promise you they are
working on getting you back into Abbott.
The district made a
decision that they're
going to repair other schools first.
First? Simon,
we deserve to be back in Abbott now.
- Fo sho.
- [GRUNTS] Don't "for sho" her.
Do something about it.
All right, I'll make some calls.
Gregory, Janine, Jacob, are we still good?
Are you kidding me?
No, no, no.
We will see how those calls go.
[JACOB] Mm-hmm.
We going back to Abbott, y'all.
Go ahead and thank me.
[CHEERING]
[STUDENT 2] Let's trash this place!
Yeah, trash it all!
Hey, hey! Uh-uh!
Whoa!
First off, what are you doing?
Sorry, sorry,
I got caught up in the moment. [CHUCKLES]
- We are not going back to Abbott today.
- [STUDENTS] Oh.
[GREGORY] But we will be going
back in the next two weeks.
Yes, and we just
want to let you all know
we are so proud of
what you've done here.
This has been less than ideal, but
you stuck it out and
you made it through.
And to persevere through
such tremendous adversities,
that speaks volumes
about your little characters.
And you have all done an incredible job.
So does this mean we're the real heroes?
[CHUCKLES] You're so cute.
Not according
to The Philly Inquirer, kiddo.
That's us.
Well, I guess I'm shipping off.
You know, Abbott isn't that far.
Shh. Let's just end things now.
- Before it gets too
- Messy.
[SOFTLY] Yeah.
[AVA] Where's she going?
She know she gotta keep
cleaning the mall until we leave, right?
Do we even want to know whatever that was?
They're clearly in love.
What? And you just gonna let her get away?
Forget it, Jacob.
It's just a "mall-mance."
Ah. I know all about "mall-mances."
You know, me and Benny Bonzo,
we only lasted four hours, but…
[INHALES, EXHALES] …what a time we had.
I'm gonna miss your weird
and somewhat inappropriate mall stories.
You know, in a few months
when I forget about how hard
this all has been,
I might actually miss this mall.
Me too.
Home sweet home.
Yeah, I love that mall like a sister,
if I liked my sister.
But, man, it is good to be back.
Oh, and it's better than ever.
Check out this new brickwork.
Nope, same brick, same weird stain.
Should have left you in the mall.
[SIGHS] Same smell, and you know what?
I don't mind it.
[JANINE CHUCKLES, SNIFFS]
There's a new smell too though.
- Y-Yeah, kind of dewy.
- [GREGORY] Mmm.
- Yeah.
- It's… It's probably the mold.
[SMACKS LIPS] Hopefully, just the mold.
Whoo. We're back baby!
- [BARBARA] Yes.
- [GREGORY] Yeah.
- [LIGHTS CRACKLE, STOPS]
- Uh.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
[AVA] Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Dia! Where's my soldering iron?
- [PHONE RINGING]
Dia!
Check your bottom drawer.
You look rested.
I am. I had a lovely time on vacation.
[GRUNTS] You were gone?
I hadn't noticed.
Yes, I went to Crystal River
in Florida to snorkel with manatees.
Mmm. Sounds super boring.
Well, you're excused.
I missed her.
S-So much.