Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e12 Episode Script

1
We appreciate you taking the time
to sit down with us.
I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm just
here to pick up my morning cinnamon bun.
Actually, we requested this meeting
because we want you to purchase
- No.
- Let me finish. Damn.
We'd like you to purchase some floor
mats. We stand all
day making 600 lunches.
You ever seen my gait? It is off.
Principal Coleman,
your turn now for rebuttal.
Now, why are you here?
I'm an experienced mediator.
Head of a bull, body of a man.
That's a minotaur, not a mediator.
So that's your position?
Kitchen staff, care to rebut?
You don't know these bunions.
Look… [SIGHS] …my heels have never come
within three inches
of this school floor,
so if I can do that,
I'm sure y'all will be totally fine.
Nothing else? No further comments?
That's how it's done.
Now it's time to focus
on my next big mediation,
brokering peace in the Middle West.
That's what I call the dispute
between Michigan and Ohio State.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
Jesus! I got rain in places
you're not supposed to have rain in.
Talking about my pockets.
Holy moly.
- It just started pouring out there.
- [JANINE] Seriously.
[BARBARA GROANS]
- Oh, Barb, your hair is
- What?
Not something I should be commenting on.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh, God.
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
- Wha
Where should I set up?
Set up for what?
For picture day.
- Ava.
- Janine.
- Ava.
- Janine.
Ava, this man says
he's here for picture day.
Okay, well, who the hell is he?
- [ALL] The photographer.
- Photographer.
Oh, damn.
Ava, how could you forget
to inform us about this?
I forget so many things all the time
and it… it just falls through the cracks
and then it's fine.
Oh, let's see.
I've forgotten to hand out paychecks.
Which, victimless crime.
Teachers' birthdays. Who cares?
Oh, and I forgot to follow through on
the HVAC fixes at the start of the year.
But everybody grew a lot from that.
So you're welcome.
Okay, there is no way
that we're gonna make a bunch of soaking
wet kids presentable in time for this.
Yeah, could you please
come back another day?
Oh. Yeah, that's what you guys asked me
back in September,
and now here I am.
This is it, today or nothing.
[THUNDERCLAP]
Well, looks like we have no choice
except to make it work.
So, everybody,
grab your hair ties, your ballies,
your Vaseline, and let's snap to it.
- [MELISSA] All right.
- Oh! Love that. That's great.
I'm soaked.
[BARBARA] Oh! Aw.
Oh, well, spin around a few times,
maybe that'll help.
[JANINE] No, I think that's just gonna
make him dizzy and not even drip dry.
- All right. Well, it was a thought.
- No… Yeah, no. You okay?
There we go. Lord!
The rain really did a number
on these children.
Jesus be a glam squad, yes.
What we need Jesus to do
is turn water into…
well, not water. Yeah.
Ms. Teagues, why are we even doing this?
Yeah, we don't wanna do picture day.
What? No. Guys, picture day is great.
It's a day that we celebrate
who you are in this moment,
and this singular photo
will be a memory that lasts a lifetime.
- [BARBARA] Mmm.
- Boo.
I got to get the rest
of the primary grades done before lunch,
so let's just knock out
your teacher pictures now.
- Huh?
- No, wait, wait.
Now, I thought
that I would have some time,
you know, to get myself together.
Yeah, and I thought I'd have a chance
to really do something
to make this outfit pop.
I was thinking of
doing something like… like this.
- Like, is this…
- Yeah.
- No.
- Oh, no.
[PHOTOGRAPHER] You guys look…
Oh, let's just take the picture, huh?
Let's "Git-R-Done."
Larry the Cable Guy.
- Just one-one-one second.
- Smile!
Hey. So, um, I didn't have time
to practice my smile.
You practice your smile?
I never learned how to smile on demand.
You're my boyfriend.
How did I not know this about you?
- I hide it really well.
- Oh.
- Um, how's this?
- Okay.
Oh… Oh, don't-don't show them.
- Yikes.
- [JANINE] Um…
That is good.
- Right?
- Yes.
- Yeah, right?
- Good. Yeah.
- I remember Tyra said it's in the eyes.
- So happy we binged Top Model.
- Okay, I'll do that.
- Okay. Okay.
Ooh, maybe a
maybe a little less, Gregory.
Much less.
[JANINE] Wanna sit down?
- [BARBARA] Gregory.
- That's a ch-choice.
Slow down.
Oh. How did your classes' picture day go?
[SIGHS] I think we got them
halfway presentable.
Meaning we were only able to dry
the top half of the kids,
so they will be "mermaiding" it
for the rest of the day.
Aw, whatever.
You're supposed to look awkward
on picture day. It's a canon event.
Well, in that way, it'll be nice.
The day we got rained out on picture
day, but at least we did it together.
Clear out the area.
I'm making a scene, y'all.
You changed?
Don't be mad at me
'cause you wear the same outfit every day
like a cartoon character.
No, I don't. [SCOFFS]
But if I did, I'd be like Ms. Frizzle.
Or… [GASPS] …Patti Mayonnaise.
Or Phil and Lil's lesbian mom
So you did know this was today.
No, I have a closet in my office
and my own equipment at the ready,
and the gym has the best lighting.
It's not my fault
y'all don't have contingency plans.
Oh, I got contingency plans.
You wouldn't believe
the amount of contingency plans.
Not for this, but, you know…
Yo, y'all, we got sloppy joes
for lunch today.
Sloppy joes?
Our kids take pictures after lunch.
Yeah, I can't have them all "sloppy-joed."
They don't have the hand-eye coordination
to pull off a clean joe.
Why would they serve that today?
Uh, Ava, why are they
staring at you like that?
Ooh, they playing dirty.
Before you can work in this kitchen,
there's two books you need to read:
The Joy of Cooking and The Art of War.
Yeah, so I came up with a plan
to utilize the leverage we have.
I got that idea from The Art of War.
Never made it to The Joy of Cooking.
You "net-heads" trying to sabotage
picture day by serving sloppy joes.
I don't think you can say that.
What, "net-heads" or "sloppy joes"?
Just give us the mats.
And the kids don't get sloppy, Joe.
Okay, huddle up. Here's the situation.
Roll over, you're dead. They won.
No, no, do not let them ruin picture day
with their collective action.
Oh, my God. What am I?
Oh, what, so I cave on the mats
and what's next?
Non-slip clogs
for the entire kitchen staff?
Do you really wanna
deal with the parents again
when the kids bring home photos
with tomato sauce
splattered all over their shirts?
Hey, we use ketchup.
[GASPS] You sons of bitches.
Ugh.
Ugh, fine, you can have
your stupid floor mats.
- Wait, really?
- Yeah. Now get this slop out of here.
We didn't think you'd cave so soon.
So we don't have a backup lunch.
Then no deal.
We could just serve them buns.
[JACOB SIGHS]
I mean, maybe it'll be fine.
These are the older kids
we're talking about.
[MELISSA] Yeah.
I think I have
some Red Lobster bibs in my purse.
Yeah, I think I got a Tide pen
for that kid.
Y'all better hurry the hell up.
- It's picture day.
- Um
- [CAMERA CLICKS]
- Great.
Okay, Mr. Hill's class, you're up.
Okay, guys. Richie. Richie, you're up.
[WHISPERS] What's wrong with him?
Is it the stain?
Nothing's wrong with him.
He's having a great day.
[PHOTOGRAPHER] Okay. Next up.
[WHISPERS] Chloe, smile.
I don't want to.
[PHOTOGRAPHER] Next up.
All right, someone else, please.
Okay, stop. Hold it. Halt.
[STAMMERS] We need to retake all of those.
They need to smile.
Nobody smiles in pictures anymore.
What do you… What? What?
What do you mean?
It's so fake.
Okay, but it's school pictures, guys.
You're supposed to smile.
Aren't you always telling us to
question the things
we're supposed to do?
Yeah, but that's when
you're fighting oppression.
White man telling me what to do?
Feels like oppression to me.
Okay, you guys are gonna want
nice pictures for future TBTs
because I assume
that will come back around again.
Smiling is for the oppressors.
None of the people you teach us about
are smiling in their photos.
I don't remember Martin Luther King Jr.
Cheesing in pictures.
Yeah, he said, "I have a dream."
Not, "I have a smile."
Well, maybe Dr. King frowned
so that you can smile.
I'm gonna tell my mom you said that.
Please don't.
- Just take the picture.
- Yeah. Here we go.
Yeah.
- [BARBARA] Okay.
- Oh, no. Our photos are up.
Let's go take a look.
Hey, that was a rough day last week.
Buckle up.
Well, maybe it won't be that bad.
[JANINE GROANS]
Oh, my God. Look at her.
[MELISSA] No, that's what
she wants us to do.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm.
- [JACOB] Wow.
- Talk about a Portrait of a Lady on Fire.
- [MELISSA SIGHS]
Oh, my God.
The one day I wear a bland top.
Ugh! Laundry day.
Am I doing the Anthony Mackie smile?
I'm wearing my mascara as blush.
That's great.
[JANINE SIGHS]
- Oh.
- Um…
Barbara.
Yes, sweetheart?
Why do you look so amazing?
Born that way, dear.
Born awfully smooth.
Ugh. [CHUCKLES]
Y'all look tired as hell.
Except for Barbara,
who seems to be aging backwards.
Y'all need to step your game up.
Barb, what the hell? You look flawless.
Why, thank you. Brought to you
by deep sleep and lots of water.
I have known you for six years, and
I've never seen you drink water once.
Yeah, Barb, we all looked
particularly rough that day,
and that roughness
is not reflected in your photo.
- Well, what do you want me to say?
- The truth.
As somebody who takes hydration
very seriously 64-Ounce Club
I can attest that it doesn't result
in a soft focus filter.
[JANINE] Yeah, or a vignette border.
- Or an added sparkle in your eye.
- Okay, fine.
Taylor just happens to be
quite gifted at photo airbrushing
on a phone app called Mirage your Visage.
So she put my photo through it, and…
That being said, she hardly did a thing.
Fixed a flyaway, simple stuff.
Come on, Barb. Your hair was like…
Not for me to comment on.
Exactly.
Now, if you will excuse me.
- [GREGORY SCOFFS]
- [MELISSA CHUCKLES]
- Okay, she's being ridiculous, right?
- [MELISSA] Yes.
Because we don't need to
put our photos through some app.
It's fine. It's not a big deal.
Exactly. And who cares
about these photos anyway?
If anything, doing all that
makes it look silly.
[LAUGHING] Yeah, I mean, come on,
she's backlit, for God's sakes.
Ah, Barb.
Barbetty, Barb, Barb, Barb. Silly.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Now that you've got your mats,
I expect there will be a little
extra glaze on my cinnamon buns?
Of course. Hey, Wendell,
do we have that principal special ready?
I most certainly do.
- Make it yourself.
- Bon appétit.
So, you gonna eat that or not?
I don't know what the hell that was about.
Kitchen crew must be a little raw
after our negotiations.
I'll give them a day.
Hell, I'll give them a day and a half.
That's just the type of tyrant that I am.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Wearing that
when she runs fashion club is crazy.
I'm embarrassed for her.
Yeah, I heard those who can't do, teach.
Uh, I can do, yeah.
Would have done something whimsical
with the shoulders, had I known.
Yeah, she dresses great, y'all. All right?
- We just didn't know.
- Yeah.
What's your excuse, Mr. Eddie?
First time trying to smile?
[STUDENT CHUCKLING]
Wouldn't be my first time giving
somebody detention, I'll tell you that.
[CHUCKLES] Whoa. I look dope.
Same. Didn't one of you teachers
start a modelling club?
'Cause I think I just ended it. Ooh.
Okay, you guys do not look dope.
You look you look mad.
Oh. So our neutral face
looks like anger to you?
What? No, no.
You're hitting a microaggression record
this month, Mr. C.
[CHUCKLING] Okay. I am not,
and stop the count.
No, not like that. Uh…
Guys, smiling in photos is nice, okay?
It's sweet and…
and it's a signal to the world that
That you have food in your teeth?
Your smile has more spinach than teeth.
That's impossible.
I didn't even have spinach that day, okay?
I had an arugula salad…
[STUDENTS LAUGH]
It's worse than they said.
How did I not see that earlier?
And why did nobody mention it?
Rude. "Arudegula."
Okay, look at mine.
I feel like the eyes are following me.
Are they freaking following me?
It's so annoying
that we have to have these up here.
Yeah, but come on, who cares?
It's not like the kids
could respect you any less.
So one time
they threw ketchup packets at him
because they said he looked like
a French fry… [LAUGHING]
…dipped in ketchup.
[LAUGHING, SNORTING]
Because he freaking does, okay?
So they threw ketchup packets at him.
And, bam, one hits him, like,
bam, right in the face, right?
And it just busts open,
ketchup everywhere.
The kid really had to whip it because
they don't just bust open like that.
The kid had a can and he just… Bam!
[MIMICS EXPLOSION]
Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She…
- She photoshopped herself a new shirt.
- [GASPS]
Yup, I would have remembered
those shoulder pads.
[SCOFFS] First Barbara, now Janine.
Looking like a Mighty Duck. Mmm.
Hey, Barb, listen. I got this cousin,
Frankie boy, he's ugly as sin, right?
He fell out of the ugly tree,
hit every branch on the way down.
He walks in the room, babies start crying.
Anyway, he's trying to get back on
the dating apps and fix his pictures.
I told him he looked fine. I was lying.
So anyway, I vaguely remembered
that you had this app I don't know,
maybe I'm making it up in my head
to fix pictures?
Again, this isn't for me.
It's for Frankie.
Melissa, would you like to fix your photo?
- I would.
- It's called Mirage your Visage.
You can find it on your application store
if you know your password.
[MELISSA] I know my password.
Well, good for you,
'cause I sure didn't. Mm-mmm.
Did I add too many gaps to her teeth,
or is it hilarious?
- Hilarious. She looks crazy.
- I know.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Are we making fun of their photos?
Wait, I wrote some down.
"Janine's shoulders are so dumb,
she should…"
"Sup, y'all, I'm Principal Buttface"?
Well, I'll be.
I knew a Charlie Buttface
in dental school. Any relation?
Clean that off.
[JANINE] Okay, first off,
I think I looked great,
and if it's universally liked,
then it's not fashion. [CHUCKLES]
But everyone else is feeling insecure,
which made me feel insecure,
so I switched it. Again.
[JACOB] Of course I am…
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
I was dusting.
What the freckle?
Look, I just got rid of
the circles under my eyes,
and then my cheeks
were feeling a little naked,
so I added a bit of pizzazz.
Janine, you are better than this. Come on.
Uh, are you better than this?
All of a sudden, you got a smoke eye.
- [JANINE] Smoky eye.
- That's what I said, smoke eye.
- Smoky…
- You changed your picture too.
Or do your cheekbones
just photograph higher?
Look at this guy.
What, all of a sudden, you flossed?
[JACOB] I just restored
how I naturally look, okay?
Those are my real-life bare-naked teeth.
- No.
- I didn't do what you and SZA did.
[GASPS] Excuse me,
your teeth have never been that white.
Your mouth could guide ships in
from a storm.
Y'all, this is getting out of hand.
Don't pretend like you didn't do anything.
- You obviously made your ears bigger.
- Wha… I didn't.
[MELISSA] Your eyes, you fixed them
to make them the same size.
What's wrong with my eyes?
I fixed my smile.
- Aha!
- Come on, Gregory.
That is still barely a smirk.
And whatever happened to
embracing natural beauty
- and enhancing what God gave you?
- Excuse me? Excuse me?
You started it, Barb.
You look like Cybill Shepherd…
…Vaseline over the entire picture.
[GREGORY] All too smooth. It's all smooth.
Dang. All of our teachers look bad.
Shame you couldn't just
stick with a real photo like I did.
Did you guys get pranked?
No, we did not get pranked, okay?
We did some light retouching because
we had been through
so much that morning.
- That's right.
- Yes. Rough day.
I don't like the way I look.
Should I change mine too, Ms. Teagues?
- Oh, no, baby.
- I…
I want to say something unpopular.
When do you not?
I think we should put back
our original photos.
- What?
- No, you looked all… What would…
What would putting a terrible picture
back up of yourself do?
Hey, I look great from the nose up.
Yeah, but they know
we've already changed the photographs.
They can't unsee the old ones.
Right, but what are we teaching them?
To be proactive.
- To problem-solve.
- [BARBARA] Mmm.
That looks are everything and
the sooner they learn that, the better.
No. We're teaching them that they
should be constantly chasing perfection,
and that is an endless pursuit.
You better speak for yourself.
I'm a dime piece.
No, she's right.
We can't teach them that the way
they look will never be good enough.
Oh, okay. To be clear,
I do think I look good enough.
It's just the picture that sucked.
I think we need to show them
that you can be happy with how you look.
Well, I think we've already
burned that bridge.
Well, we did with those photos.
He stalling
until he can think of something.
He's right.
But I've got it now.
Hey, did y'all take the sugar
out of the teachers' lounge?
Foodstuff does fall
under our jurisdiction.
Okay, I've had enough.
I let you throw
your little temper tantrum.
I let you deface my photo.
And I even bought your little dumb
standing mats. So what's your deal now?
You think it's all good
because of the mats?
- It's bigger than that.
- You don't respect us.
This is a school. We're all disrespected.
- Maybe by the kids.
- And by the district.
And our own families.
But by our coworkers?
I thought we was in this together.
Yet, for some reason, the cafeteria
staff is never included in picture day.
[SCOFFS] Why would you
get your picture taken?
We don't include you in the yearbook.
I'm gonna kill her.
Y'all think we just back here
microwaving nuggets,
but every day I make special
gluten-free and dairy-free meals
for the kids with allergies.
We are the first people in this school,
making breakfast for these children.
We care about them
just as much as their teachers do.
And it'd be nice
if you guys would notice that.
I get it. Thank you,
guy Shanae.
- Wendell.
- …dell. I know.
You think I don't know his name?
Thank you, Randall.
Look, no one is more underappreciated
than me, so I get it.
I'm not gonna buy them anything else,
but that was a pretty low lift.
Also, they were getting way too close
to realizing their power,
and I can't have that.
[BARBARA] Aw, look at that.
Wow, Ms. Teagues.
That outfit looks fantastic.
Yeah, very Bring It On, but also very you.
That's the best compliment
I've ever gotten.
That means a lot coming from you two.
I think you look adorable.
- Me? Look at your cute little face.
- Nah.
- All right, it's pretty cute.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm.
[STUDENT] Mrs. Howard, is that you?
Why, yes, it is.
But how?
Oh, thank you very much. [CHUCKLES]
You are absolutely precious.
Aw, thank you.
And look at you. You look so cool.
Yeah, 'cause I was.
Never had an awkward phase.
Make some room, y'all.
- Oh.
- What is this now?
Looks like a couple of
Bon Appétit models to me.
So you hired a fancy photographer
for the kitchen staff,
but you won't hire one for us teachers?
Well, if you helped out the students
even a fraction of the amount
that the kitchen staff does
and brought me my morning cinnamon buns,
I might have considered.
- All right, go ahead. Let me have it.
- [STUDENTS LAUGHING]
Dang, Mr. C, you didn't tell us
you were Millie Bobby Brown's twin.
Yeah, what was school like
in the Upside Down?
Gotcha. See, I knew you could smile
for a photo.
I am going to frame this
and hang it in the classroom.
So what do you want to do later?
What's wrong with my ears?
What?
The picture day picture.
Everyone was saying that it was…
No. No, no, no. Listen to me,
your ears are perfect, okay?
People wish they had your ears.
Who?
Alfred E. Neuman.
What class is he in?
He… Never mind.
And my smile?
That could use some work,
I'm not gonna lie to you.
But maybe we can practice. Okay?
Look, let me take a picture of you.
We can practice with taking pictures.
- Okay.
- Okay. So…
Say, "Cheese."
- [GRUNTING]
- "Cheese." Like, "Cheese."
You gotta smile from your diaphragm.
Trust me.
You gotta start way down here.
It's worth a try.
[EXHALES]
[SIGHS]
- That was amazing. Wow.
- Yeah?
[JANINE] Yeah. [GIGGLES]
Now we just need to do something
about those ears.
Are they big or are they small?
Let's put it this way.
Either Paul Stanley or David Letterman
would be really jealous of you.
You listen to Kiss?
Sometimes.
Okay. Rad.