The Brady Bunch (1969) s05e12 Episode Script

1
HERE'S THE STORY
OF A LOVELY LADY
WHO WAS BRINGING UP
THREE VERY LOVELY GIRLS ♪
ALL OF THEM HAD HAIR OF GOLD ♪
LIKE THEIR MOTHER
THE YOUNGEST ONE IN CURLS ♪
IT'S THE STORY
OF A MAN NAMED BRADY ♪
WHO WAS BUSY WITH
THREE BOYS OF HIS OWN ♪
THEY WERE FOUR MEN
LIVING ALL TOGETHER ♪
YET THEY WERE ALL ALONE
TILL THE ONE DAY WHEN
THE LADY MET THIS FELLOW ♪
AND THEY KNEW THAT IT WAS
MUCH MORE THAN A HUNCH ♪
THAT THIS GROUP MUS
SOMEHOW FORM A FAMILY ♪
THAT'S THE WAY WE ALL BECAME
THE BRADY BUNCH ♪
THE BRADY BUNCH
THE BRADY BUNCH
THAT'S THE WAY
WE BECAME THE BRADY BUNCH ♪
[organ playing off-key]
THAT'S TERRIBLE!
[laughing]
HI, HOW AM I DOING?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHO
FINALLY KICKED YOU OU
OF THE HOUSE WITH THAT THING,
BUT I'M GLAD.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT MUSIC ANYWAY?
OH, IS THAT WHAT IT IS?
MY TEACHER LIKES IT.
THEN HOW COME SHE
LOANED YOU THE ORGAN
AND TOLD YOU TO
PRACTICE AT HOME?
HA-HA.
[giggling]
[playing off-key]
SURE, I CAN KEEP A SECRET,
SAM. WHAT'S THE SECRET?
WELL, YOU ME
MY COUSIN CLARA, HUH?
YEAH. SO?
GO ON.
WELL, SHE WANTS US TO BE BEST MAN
AND MAID OF HONOR. SHE'S ELOPING.
ELOPING!
ALICE, I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A
BIG SECRET. WILL YOU SHUSH?
I'M SHUSHING.
THIS IS SO EXCITING, SAM.
WHEN'S IT GONNA BE?
THEY ELOPE NEXT SUNDAY.
THAT WAY IT WON'T INTERFERE WITH
OUR SATURDAY NIGHT BOWLING DATE.
OH, WELL, THAT'S GREAT. I'D EVEN
GIVE THAT UP FOR AN ELOPEMENT.
WHAT A SURPRISE, SAM.
SAY, ALICE, AS LONG AS YOU'RE
GONNA BE MAID OF HONOR,
YOU'LL PROBABLY WANT TO WEAR
SOMETHING SPECIAL, RIGHT?
FOR AN OCCASION LIKE THIS, I'll
BUY THE FANCIEST DRESS IN TOWN.
SWELL. WELL, SEE YOU SATURDAY
NIGHT AT 8:00 FOR BOWLING.
OH, I'll BE READY. AND WAITING.
OH, HI, GIRLS. HOW WAS SCHOOL?
UH, DULL COMPARED TO WHA
SEEMS TO BE GOING ON AROUND HERE.
AROUND HERE?
OH, YOU MEAN WITH SAM.
YEAH, WITH SAM.
WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOU
OUR BIG BOWLING DATE.
SAM AND I ARE IN THE SEMI-FINALS
OF THE MIXED DOUBLES TOURNAMENT.
[giggling] SURE, YOU ARE.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT BOWLING?
NOTHING. WE UNDERSTAND, ALICE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT DO I THINK? I KNOW.
ALICE AND SAM ARE ELOPING.
OH, WOW!
WOW, WOW, WOW, WOW!
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
ALICE AND SAM ARE ELOPING?
WELL, WE SORT OF OVERHEARD A
PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN THEM.
YOU MEAN YOU WERE EAVESDROPPING?
NO! NOT AT ALL. HONEST.
WELL, ANYWAY, YOU TWO COULD
BE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
BUT ALICE EVEN
USED THE WORD "ELOPE."
AND SHE WAS ALL
EXCITED ABOUT IT.
WELL, IF ALICE WERE GONNA
ELOPE, I'M SURE SHE'D BE
CONSIDERATE ENOUGH TO TELL
US SHE WAS GONNA BE GONE.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, SAM
ASKED HER TO KEEP IT A SECRE
FOR SOME REASON.
RIGHT. AND IT'S STRICTLY THEIR
OWN BUSINESS, AND NONE OF OURS.
MAYBE ALICE JUST HAS TO BE
COAXED A LITTLE TO TELL US.
GIRLS, IF ALICE WANTS TO TELL US,
SHE'LL TELL US.
RIGHT. LIKE I SAID, IT'S THEIR
OWN BUSINESS AND NONE OF OURS.
SNOOPING IS A DEFINITE NO-NO.
HERE, HERE'S MIKE AND ME
ON OUR HONEYMOON, ALICE.
NOW, THAT'S A ROMANTIC PICTURE.
OH, IT WAS.
DID YOU KNOW THAT OUR
ORIGINAL PLAN WAS TO ELOPE
SECRETLY?
THAT'S WHAT MAKES
AN ELOPEMENT AN ELOPEMENT.
'COURSE, WE HAD
TO CHANGE OUR MINDS.
AND, WELL, WE FIGURED
SOMEBODY WOULD FIND OUT.
DID YOU KNOW VERY FEW PEOPLE
CAN KEEP A SECRET?
YEAH. ZIPPERS WEREN'
INVENTED FOR LIPS.
I MUST SAY, THOUGH, I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN ABLE TO KEEP A SECRET.
THAT'S GOOD. LIKE YOU SAY,
NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE CAN.
WELL, I MEAN,
IF SOMEONE CLOSE TO ME
WERE PLANNING AN ELOPEMENT,
SHE COULD TRUST ME IMPLICITLY.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
MRS. BRADY,
ARE YOU CONCERNED THAT THA
SOME MEMBER OF THIS HOUSEHOLD
IS PLANNING A SECRET ELOPEMENT?
WELL, IT'S A POSSIBILITY.
YEAH, I SUPPOSE SO,
BUT, AS FAR AS I KNOW,
MARCIA ISN'T EVEN GOING STEADY.
[phone ringing]
HELLO, MIKE BRADY.
HEY, SAM. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WELL, MR. BRADY, YOU BEING
AN ARCHITECT AND ALL,
I WAS WONDERING IF I MIGH
ASK YOU A QUESTION HOUSE-WISE.
SURE, SAM. FIRE AWAY.
WELL, YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS FRIEND
WHO'S PLANNING
ON GETTING MARRIED.
OH? ANYBODY WE KNOW?
NO, NO. JUST A FRIEND OF MINE.
BUT, ANYWAY, HE DOESN'
HAVE A LOT OF LOOT,
SO HE'S LOOKING AROUND FOR
SOME NICE LOW-COST HOUSING.
I SEE.
UH, WELL, SAM, NOW,
THIS FRIEND OF YOURS, WHEN'S
HE PLANNING ON GETTING MARRIED?
WELL, THE ELOPEMENT
I MEAN THE WEDDING
WILL BE PRETTY QUICK NOW.
OH, YEAH, WELL, UH,
I THINK I UNDERSTAND.
UM, SAM, LET ME CHECK
AROUND WITH A FEW BROKERS,
AND I'll GET BACK TO YOU, OK?
GEE, THANKS A LOT, MR. BRADY.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.
AW, NOT AT ALL. OH, SAM,
WOULD YOU TELL
THE BRIDE AND GROOM
THAT MY WIFE, MYSELF
AND ALL OF OUR CHILDREN
WISH THEM HEALTH AND
HAPPINESS AND GOOD FORTUNE?
THANKS A LOT, MR. BRADY.
I'll TELL THEM WHAT YOU SAID. BYE.
GOOD-BYE, SAM.
THAT WAS VERY NICE OF THEM TO
BE SO HAPPY FOR MY COUSIN CLARA.
[playing off-key]
HOW AM I DOING NOW?
IT STILL SOUNDS AWFUL, BU
YOU'RE PLAYING A LOT FASTER.
SO IT'S AWFUL FOR LESS TIME.
HARDY HAR-HAR.
IF YOU KNEW WHAT I KNEW, YOU'D
BE PRACTICING THE WEDDING MARCH.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THAT WE DON'T KNOW?
YOU PROMISE NOT TO
TELL ANYBODY ELSE?
DOESN'T ANYBODY ELSE KNOW?
SURE, EVERYBODY KNOWS. BU
ALICE DOESN'T KNOW THAT WE KNOW.
THAT WE KNOW WHAT?
THAT SHE AND SAM ARE ELOPING.
ELOPING? ELOPING?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND WHAT CAN I DO
FOR YOU TODAY, REVEREND?
OH, HALF A POUND OF GROUND ROUND
AND TELL YOUR COUSIN CLARA TO
BE AT THE HOUSE AT 8:00 PROMPTLY.
I'VE ANOTHER WEDDING AT 9:00.
HALF A POUND OF GROUND ROUND,
8:00 SHARP FOR CLARA.
THEY WANT A SINGLE
OR DOUBLE RING CEREMONY?
A DOUBLE.
OH, I GOT SOME NICE, FRESH FILLE
OF SOLE, REVEREND. INTERESTED?
I'M ALWAYS INTERESTED
IN THE SOUL, SAM.
I'll WEIGH YOU UP
A COUPLE OF NICE SLICES.
HI, SAM. HI, REVEREND.
HI, KIDS. HI, GREG. HOW ARE YOU?
WHAT BRINGS YOU BY?
ALICE ASKED US TO
STOP BY AFTER SCHOOL
SO WE COULD PICK UP HER ORDER.
OH, FINE. I'll BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
HOW'S THE FAMILY? FINE, THANKS.
GOOD.
ANY GOOD WEDDINGS LATELY,
REVEREND?
SEEMS LIKE I'M TYING MORE KNOTS
THAN A TROOP OF
BOY SCOUTS, GREG.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE
COMING UP SOON?
YOU NEVER KNOW, MARCIA.
SEEMS LIKE IT'S OPEN SEASON
ON GROOMS.
YEP. ONE NEVER KNOWS, HUH,
REVEREND?
LET'S SEE, THAT WILL BE $3.50.
THAT MUCH? WELL, LIKE THEY SAY,
"IT'S BETTER TO GIVE
THAN TO RECEIVE."
LIKE THEY ALSO SAY, "DO NO
COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WALLET."
BYE-BYE, REVEREND.
I'll GET ALICE'S ORDER FOR YOU.
THANKS, SAM.
THIS REALLY CINCHES IT, GREG.
THE REVEREND IS PROOF POSITIVE.
CINDY, IT DOESN'T NECESSARILY
MEAN ANYTHING
JUST BECAUSE YOU SAW ALICE
COMING OUT OF STANDELL'S DRESS SHOP
YES, BUT MARCIA AND JAN
HEARD HER SAY
THE DRESS WAS FOR
A SPECIAL OCCASION.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHA
SHE TOLD SAM OVER THE PHONE.
AND WHAT ABOUT REVEREND
MELBOURNE AT SAM'S BUTCHER SHOP?
WHAT DO YOU THINK, MIKE?
WELL, THERE'S ALSO THAT PHONE
CALL I GOT FROM SAM TODAY.
OH? WHAT DID HE WANT?
HE WANTED MY HELP IN FINDING A HOUSE
FOR A FRIEND WHO WAS GETTING MARRIED SOON.
PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY "A FRIEND" WHEN
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THEMSELVES
AND THEY DON'T WAN
ANYBODY TO KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.
SAM ALMOST LET THE WORD
"ELOPEMENT" SLIP OUT ONCE.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
IF THIS WERE A TRIAL,
I THINK WE'VE GOT ENOUGH
EVIDENCE FOR A CONVICTION.
RIGHT.
ALICE IS GUILTY OF MARRIAGE.
ALICE AND SAM.
HEY, MAYBE WE CAN BUY
OUR MEAT WHOLESALE NOW.
THERE'S STILL ONE THING ABOU
THIS ELOPEMENT WE DON'T KNOW.
WHEN IS IT GOING TO TAKE PLACE?
EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.
MR. AND MRS. BRADY,
I WAS WONDERING
ANYTHING WRONG?
MMM, NOT AT ALL, ALICE.
W-WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
WELL, THE WAY YOU
WERE STARING AT ME,
I THOUGHT MAYBE I'D LEF
MY FACE IN THE OTHER ROOM.
OH, ALICE, YOU LOOK
POSITIVELY RADIANT.
YOUR EYES ARE TWINKLING
AND YOUR CHEEKS ARE GLOWING.
YOU'LL MAKE A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.
UH, SOMEDAY.
YEAH, SURE, SOMEDAY.
WHAT I WANTED TO ASK YOU, FOLKS,
OK IF I TAKE SATURDAY NIGHT OFF?
THIS SATURDAY? YEAH.
ANY SPECIAL REASON, ALICE?
YEAH. SAM AND I ARE IN
A BIG BOWLING TOURNAMENT.
BOWLING, HUH?
[laughing]
THAT'S WHAT THE LADY
SAID. BOWLING. BOWLING.
SHE SAID BOWLING. BOWLING.
BOWLING?
BOWLING.
OH, BOWLING!
WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOU
THE WORD "BOWLING" LATELY?
ALICE, OF COURSE YOU
CAN HAVE SATURDAY NIGHT OFF.
IN FACT, YOU CAN
HAVE THE WHOLE DAY OFF.
ALICE, WE COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
ABOUT YOUR BOWLING DATE.
[playing wedding march]
WHAT'S THAT TUNE BOBBY'S TRYING
TO PLAY? IT SOUNDS VAGUELY FAMILIAR.
ALICE, UH, IF YOU'RE THINKING
OF THE WEDDING MARCH,
IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT TO ME.
I THINK I'D BETTER GET HIM,
BEFORE THE NEIGHBORS DO.
HONEST, ALICE.
IT DOESN'T SOUND A THING
LIKE THE WEDDING MARCH.
[chuckles nervously]
YOU KNOW,
I ALSO THINK ALICE SHOULD TAKE A
WEEK OR SO OFF FOR THE HONEYMOON.
WE'LL INSIST. YEAH.
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, I'll
CALL THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.
AND TRY TO GET A
TEMPORARY REPLACEMENT.
YEAH. MIKE,
YOU DON'T THINK ALICE WILL LEAVE
US AFTER SHE'S MARRIED, DO YOU?
OH, NO. I THINK SHE WOULD
HAVE TOLD US BY NOW.
WELL, WHAT PUZZLES ME
IS WHY ALICE DOESN'
TELL US ABOUT THE ELOPEMENT.
WELL, MAYBE SHE AND SAM THINK
WE'D MAKE A BIG DEAL
OUT OF IT IF WE KNEW.
WELL, OF COURSE WE'D MAKE
A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.
ALICE MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO US.
YES. BUT, HONEY, MAYBE THEY
DON'T WANT A BIG RECEPTION.
WELL, IT DOESN'T HAVE
TO BE A BIG RECEPTION,
JUST A A SMALL
FAMILY RECEPTION.
YOU KNOW, MIKE,
I WAS JUST THINKING.
UH-HUH. I KIND
OF FIGURED YOU WERE.
BOY, ARE SAM AND ALICE
GOING TO BE SURPRISED
WHEN THEY WALK IN ON THEIR
OWN WEDDING RECEPTION.
ANYTHING SPECIAL YOU WANT ME
TO ADD TO THE SHOPPING LIST?
UH, WELL, YOU MIGHT JUST GE
A COUPLE OF EXTRA PACKAGES
OF RICE, ALICE.
OK.
[doorbell rings]
OH, YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD.
I'll GET IT.
[doorbell rings]
MRS. BRADY? YES?
OH, I'M GLADYS HARRIS.
THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY REFERRED
ME FOR THE HOUSEKEEPING JOB.
OH, YES.
UM, WELL, THE AGENCY SAID
THEY'D PHONE BEFORE
THEY'D SEND ANYONE OVER.
OH, I'M AFRAID THAT'S MY FAULT.
I JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN THE
AREA, SO I THOUGHT I'D DROP BY.
I HOPE IT'S NOT INCONVENIENT.
OH, NO. NOT AT ALL.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
YOU HAVE SPLIT-SECOND
TIMING, MRS. HARRIS.
[whispers] COME IN.
OH, YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOME.
THANK YOU.
I HOPE YOU KNOW THE JOB IS
JUST TEMPORARY.
OUR HOUSEKEEPER IS JUS
GONNA BE GONE A WEEK OR SO.
OH, I I UNDERSTAND.
ARE THERE ANY
SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS?
UH, NO, JUST THE USUAL:
HOUSEKEEPING, CLEANING, LAUNDRY.
BUT I GUESS I SHOULD
MENTION THE FAC
THAT WE HAVE 6 CHILDREN.
WELL, THAT'S A LOT OF DIAPERS
UNDER THE BRIDGE.
WELL, HAPPILY, THAT'S ALL BEHIND.
[laughs]
I LIKE YOU.
WHY DON'T I, UH, SHOW YOU
THE REST OF THE HOUSE?
I THINK YOU'LL FIND THE KITCHEN
QUITE PRACTICAL, MRS. HARRIS.
ALICE! HI, MRS. BRADY.
I I FORGOT THE SHOPPING LIST.
YEAH, UH, UM, MRS. HARRIS,
MRS. HARRIS,
THIS IS, UM, ALICE NELSON.
ALICE NELSON,
THIS IS MRS. HARRIS.
MRS. HARRIS HERE IS
AN OLD FRIEND OF THE FAMILY.
A WHAT?
HOW ARE JIM AND THE KIDS, HUH?
OH, THEY'RE JIM
I'll BET THE BOYS HAVE CHILDREN
OF THEIR OWN BY NOW, DON'T THEY?
HOW IS MARY JENNINGS?
OH, WELL I
OH, HOW WELL I REMEMBER
THE GOOD OLD TIMES
THE 3 OF US USED TO HAVE.
THE GOOD TIMES, YES.
WONDERFUL!
[Mrs. Harris stammering]
I-I'D BETTER BE GOING,
OLD FRIEND.
UH, MRS. HARRIS.
UM, MRS. HARRIS
UH, I CAN'T WAI
TO GET TOGETHER AGAIN
AND RELIVE THOSE GOOD OLD DAYS.
GOOD OLD DAYS. FANTASTIC.
BE SURE AND GIVE MY LOVE
TO EVERYBODY.
BYE.
BYE.
LISTEN, ALICE, BOWLING BALLS
MAKE GREAT GIFTS.
NOT FOR A NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE.
SAM, NOBODY WANTS TO
STRIKE OUT ON THEIR HONEYMOON.
COME ON, ALICE. WHAT DO YOU
GOT AGAINST BOWLING BALLS?
THEY'RE JUST NOT SENTIMENTAL.
OH, WELL, THAT MIGHT HOLD
TRUE FOR YOUR ORDINARY,
RUN-OF-THE-MILL BOWLING BALL,
BUT THIS IS A MATCHED SET:
HIS AND HERS.
SAM, THAT'S AS ABOU
AS ROMANTIC A GIF
AS A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF CHALK
FOR THEIR FINGERS.
AS IT TURNS OUT,
CHALK WAS SECOND ON MY LIST.
[sighs] THAT FIGURES.
NOW, LISTEN, ALICE,
YOU CAN HOLLER ABOU
MY ALWAYS BEING LATE,
GRIPE ABOUT THE
HIGH PRICES OF MY MEAT,
HATE MY NECKTIES, BUT,
WHEN IT COMES TO BOWLING,
YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE
A LITTLE RESPECT.
I'VE GOT RESPECT FOR BOWLING.
BUT, SAM, 2 BOWLING BALLS?
IF CLARA DROPS OUR PRESENT,
SHE'LL GO ON HER HONEYMOON
WITH 10 BROKEN TOES.
ALSO, ANYBODY WHO THINKS THA
BOWLING BALLS MAKE A ROTTEN WEDDING GIF
DOESN'T HAVE
A WHOLE LOT OF TASTE.
OH, IS THAT SO? YEAH.
WELL, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
CLARA CAN ELOPE
WITHOUT ME SUNDAY.
AND, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO BOWLING
WITH ME SATURDAY NIGHT.
WELL, AS FAR AS
I'M CONCERNED, I WON'T.
HMM.
AND, AS FOR A COUPLE
OF OTHER THINGS,
LET ME TELL YOU THIS,
MR. SAM THE BUTCHER.
MMM-HMM?
YOU'RE ALWAYS LATE,
YOUR PRICES ARE TOO HIGH,
AND THAT IS THE UGLIES
NECKTIE I EVER SAW!
[exclaiming]
YOU'LL GET THIS, ALICE.
NOW, THIS MIGHT BE THE
IDEAL HOME FOR ALICE AND SAM.
IT'S MODERATELY PRICED
AND IT'S WELL-BUILT
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT IS IT, ALICE?
WELL, YOU REMEMBER I ASKED YOU
FOR SATURDAY NIGHT OFF? CERTAINLY.
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
WE GOT TO TALKING ABOUT THAT,
AND WE DECIDED WHAT YOU
REALLY NEED IS A WEEK OFF.
MAYBE 2.
2 WEEKS FOR A BOWLING MATCH?
WELL, BOWLING CAN BE A PRETTY
STRENUOUS SPORT, ALICE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WELL, THE IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT WE UNDERSTAND.
WELL, THEN MAYBE YOU'LL
UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY.
I DON'T EVEN NEED SATURDAY OFF.
WHY NOT?
SAM AND I HAD A FIGHT,
AND THE BOWLING DATE'S OFF.
YOU BROKE YOUR BOWLING DATE?
ALICE, THAT IS THE WORS
THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.
WELL, I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN,
BUT IT'S ONLY A BOWLING DATE.
BUT IT'S A VERY IMPORTAN
BOWLING DATE.
WELL, THAT'S THE WAY
THE PINS FALL.
ANYWAY, SAM'S NOT THE
BEST FISH IN THE OCEAN.
OF COURSE, I'M NO
THE BEST BAIT EITHER.
OH, MIKE.
ALICE IS REALLY SORRY
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
DID SHE SAY SO?
YOU CAN READ IT ON HER FACE.
SAM, YOU GOT TO
TAKE ALICE BOWLING.
IT'S THAT IMPORTANT, HUH?
IT SURE IS. I CAN ALMOST PLAY
THE WHOLE SONG ON MY ORGAN.
WHAT SONG?
UH, IT'S CALLED THE
SHUT MY MOUTH BLUES.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, SAM?
PLEASE?
MMM. NO, I'M SORRY.
ALICE HAS TO MAKE
THE FIRST MOVE.
SORRY. SAM HAS GO
TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
BUT WHAT IF HE DOESN'T?
THEN I JUST WON'
GO BOWLING WITH HIM.
ALICE, WE'RE NOT JUS
TALKING ABOUT BOWLING.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "BOWLING".
OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
TALKING ABOUT BOWLING.
NO, THE BALL IS NOW
IN SAM'S ALLEY.
BUT, ALICE,
HE WAS MEANT FOR YOU,
AND YOU UNDERSTAND HIM.
I UNDERSTAND THIS TURKEY, TOO,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I HAVE TO GO BOWLING WITH IT.
[sighing]
HONEY, I'M SORRY THAT ALICE
AND SAM HAD THAT ARGUMENT,
BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD MEDDLE.
NOT EVEN ONE LITTLE
TEENY MEDDLE?
WELL, WHAT KIND OF MEDDLE
DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
THE KIND WHERE YOU
INVITE SAM OVER,
ALICE OPENS THE DOOR
AND SKYROCKETS GO OFF.
YES. WELL, THAT ONLY HAPPENS
ON THE 4TH OF JULY.
BESIDES, I DON'T HAVE ANY
REASON TO INVITE SAM OVER.
AH, YES!
YOU SAID YOU
WOULD CALL SAM BACK,
AND LET HIM KNOW
WHAT YOU FOUND OU
ABOUT LOW-COST HOUSING,
DIDN'T YOU?
TRUE. BUT THAT'S BEFORE
HE AND ALICE HAD THE ARGUMENT.
YES, BUT SAM DOESN'T KNOW
THAT YOU KNOW
THAT THAT INFORMATION WAS FOR
HIMSELF AND NOT FOR A FRIEND.
TRUE, BUT HE'LL THINK I KNOW.
YEAH, BUT AS LONG AS HE THINKS
THAT YOU KNOW THAT HE KNOWS,
AND HE DOESN'T KNOW THA
YOU THINK THAT HE
YOU'RE ABOUT 3 THINKS I KNOW
AHEAD OF ME.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T THINK I KNOW.
YOU KNOW?
NO.
MIKE HMM?
COULDN'T YOU JUST CALL SAM
AND INVITE HIM OVER?
WELL, OK.
MAYBE, IF WE'RE THIS CONFUSED,
HE'LL BE TOO CONFUSED TO REFUSE.
[both chuckle]
[doorbell rings]
YES?
I CAME TO SEE MR. BRADY.
WHOM SHALL I SAY IS CALLING?
(Sam) YOU KNOW DARN
WELL WHOM IS CALLING.
OH, NOW I RECOGNIZE YOU.
IT'S MIGHTY MOUTH.
OH, LISTEN TO WHO'S TALKING.
YOU'VE GOT A TONGUE
SHARP ENOUGH TO SLICE SALAMI.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE SKYROCKETS YOU PROMISED?
WELL, SOMETIMES THEY FIZZLE OUT.
NOW, ARE YOU GOING
TO INVITE ME IN
OR DOES MR. BRADY HAVE TO
COME OUT HERE TO TALK TO ME?
THANK YOU.
NOW, IF YOU WILL JUST BE
GOOD ENOUGH TO ANNOUNCE ME.
SKIP THE FORMALITY, SAM.
JUST LET ME HAVE THE MEAT ORDER,
AND THEN YOU CAN BE ON YOUR
WAY TO THE SPORTING GOODS STORE
AND PICK UP THOSE "HIS"
AND "HERS" BOWLING BALLS.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, BOWLING
BALLS ARE OUT THIS SEASON.
AND, UH, ELECTRIC MIXERS ARE IN.
ELECTRIC MIXERS?
ELECTRIC MIXERS.
NOW, THAT'S ROMANTIC.
[chuckles]
SO IS THIS.
THERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING
SPECIAL IN HERE FOR YOU, ALICE.
4 EXTRA LAMB CHOPS
IN PINK PANTIES.
[chuckles]
OH, SAM,
IT COULDN'T BE BETTER
IF IT WAS 14-KARAT GOLD.
LISTEN, MEAT IS MORE
EXPENSIVE THAN GOLD TODAY.
[laughs]
WELL, I JUST COULDN'T FIGURE
ANOTHER WAY TO SAY I WAS SORRY.
I'M SORRY, TOO, SAM.
WELL, THEN, EVERYTHING'S ON
AGAIN FOR, UH, SATURDAY NIGHT?
EVERYTHING,
JUST LIKE WE PLANNED IT.
GREAT. GREAT.
AND THAT'S A LOVELY NECKTIE.
OH, THANKS, ALICE.
THERE GO YOUR SKYROCKETS.
WELL, FOLKS, THIS IS IT.
IT SURE IS, ALICE.
BIGGEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
YEAH, THE BIG MATCH UP,
HUH, SAM?
BOY, IF I SURVIVE TONIGHT,
THERE'LL BE NO STOPPING ME.
I'll BE RIGHT THERE
KEEPING SCORE.
YEAH. WELL, HAPPY BOWLING.
ALICE, NOW, YOU JUST RELAX.
WE'LL KEEP THE HOUSE NEAT AND TIDY.
WE'LL ONLY BE GONE
A LITTLE WHILE, MRS. BRADY.
UNLESS I STRIKE OUT IN THE FIRS
MATCH. THEN WE'LL BE HOME SOONER.
NOW, ALICE, YOU TAKE
ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.
OH, THANKS, BUT SAM CAN NEVER STAY
AWAKE VERY LONG AFTER WE'VE BEEN BOWLING.
[all laughing]
LET'S GET AT IT, SAM. UH, SAM,
TAKE CARE OF OUR GIRL, WILL YOU?
SURE THING, MR. BRADY.
WE'LL BE BACK IN
A COUPLE OF HOURS.
BYE.
BYE.
BE BACK IN A COUPLE OF HOURS?
YEAH.
WE'VE GOT TO GET EVERYTHING READY
BY THEN! YEAH, WE BETTER GET A MOVE ON.
THANKS, SAM, THAT WAS A
LOT OF FUN. YEAH, IT WAS.
BOY, WE SURE TOOK THE STARCH
OUT OF THAT LAUNDRY TEAM, DIDN'T WE?
HOW ABOUT A CUP OF COFFEE?
WELL, MAYBE HALF A CUP.
YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO
GET UP EARLY TOMORROW
FOR MY COUSIN CLARA'S ELOPEMENT.
(all) SURPRISE!
[playing wedding march off-key]
[all cheering]
WELCOME HOME.
(Carol) CHAMPAGNE TOAST!
(Sam) THANK YOU!
OK, TO THE NEWLYWEDS!
I'll DRINK TO THAT.
WHO GOT MARRIED?
[laughing] BOWLING DATE, HUH?
TO ALICE AND SAM.
ALICE AND SAM?
US?
ALICE, WE COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.
(all) SPEECH! SPEECH!
WELL, I'M SORRY, I, UH, DON'
HAVE A SPEECH FOR THIS OCCASION,
MOSTLY ON ACCOUNT OF BECAUSE
THERE IS NO OCCASION.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ALICE?
DIDN'T YOU AND SAM
ELOPE TONIGHT?
WE NEVER EVEN SHOOK HANDS. WHA
MADE YOU THINK WE GOT MARRIED?
WELL CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE.
I GOT IT. I BET THEY CONFUSED
US WITH MY COUSIN CLARA.
CLARA?
YEAH, CLARA IS GOING
TO ELOPE TOMORROW,
AND SAM AND I ARE GONNA STAND
UP FOR THE BRIDE AND GROOM.
[chuckling] OH, NO.
ALICE, I'M SORRY. WE THOUGHT
I THINK WE GOOFED.
OH, PLEASE ACCEPT OUR APOLOGIES.
OH, SURE.
WE'LL ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGIES.
I'll ALSO ACCEP
A LITTLE MORE CHAMPAGNE.
[all laughing]
OK. COMING UP. THANK YOU.
SAM, AS LONG AS THEY WEN
TO ALL THIS TROUBLE
ALICE, SAY NO MORE.
FOLKS, I HAVE A VERY IMPORTAN
ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
TONIGHT,
ALICE AND I
ADVANCED TO THE FINALS
IN THE BOWLING TOURNAMENT.
[all laughing]
(Carol) IT'S A PARTY ANYWAY.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
[sighing] COUSIN CLARA
NEVER LOOKED PRETTIER.
[sniffling]
IT WAS THE NICEST ELOPEMEN
I EVER WENT TO.
BOY, IT MUST HAVE BEEN
TO HAVE MOVED YOU SO.
EVEN SAM WAS AFFECTED.
WE'RE ENGAGED.
ALICE, CONGRATULATIONS!
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
WHEN'S THE BIG DAY?
WELL, I'VE GOT SAM
PRETTY WELL PINNED DOWN NOW,
THE PLACE, THE HOUR, THE DATE.
THERE'S JUST ONE THING
HE WON'T COMMIT TO.
WHAT? WHAT'S THAT?
THE CENTURY.