Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e13 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Wow, you look great.
- Thank you.
- You ready to go?
Yes, let me just get my purse
and then finish up a little bit.
Also, did you know there's
an open can of sardines
out here on your stoop?
I did. I left it for this
cute little alley cat I saw.
- Janine
- I haven't seen him in a while though,
so, keep putting the food out,
keeps getting eaten.
You better not have scared him off.
No. Cats like me.
They don't care that I'm allergic.
They like making me look
like Will Smith in Hitch.
Hey. The hell are you doing?
You the one feeding
me all these sardines?
You're the one eating these cans?
My girlfriend thinks you're a cat.
Oh, no.
- I'm a man, man. [CHUCKLES]
- I
Actually, look,
I be riding that bus over there.
And what happened was, I was passing by,
I seen a can of sardines, and I'm like,
"What? Free snacks? Hell yeah."
So I've been bussing
'em down ever since.
Actually, bro, can you ask her to, like,
leave me a little bit of, like, bread?
Maybe some mustard. Make a little
sandwich, you know what I'm saying?
- [VEHICLE APPROACHING]
- Damn, that's my bus.
Don't forget. Mustard, all right?
Ooh! You saw the cat.
Yeah, he said leave mustard next time.
[SIGHS] Come on.
You got to be kidding me.
- What's up?
- They're raising my rent again.
I knew this was gonna
happen as soon as I saw
that "Sprouts Coming
Soon" sign last week.
You should've bought a house when I did,
summer of 2008.
Or learned how to
build a house yourself,
like the folks who built
Gerald and my home.
Right. Well, neither one of those
things are helpful, so thank you.
I guess I'll just take on
more food driver shifts,
but that barely covers it as is.
I'm gonna have to move.
Why don't you move in with me?
We could be two bachelors
living it up in the city.
That's a choice. Um
Or you can move in with me.
I know I just blurted that out
in front of everyone,
but I actually have been thinking
of the right time to bring it up.
I mean, you're at my place
all the time anyways.
It's much closer to school.
You will save a lot of money.
You know, I'm surprised you guys
haven't already been living together.
My ex-husband and I moved in
after one week of dating.
Of course, we're divorced now,
so, you know, grain of salt.
[BARBARA] I agree.
The concept of "living in sin"
is the only thing I disagree with
in the Bible.
What about stoning?
Eh.
I mean, I am there all the time anyway.
And it would make things easier.
Mmm!
Yeah, let's do it.
- Let's move in.
- [EXCLAIMS]
I'm confused.
You moving in with her or me?
I choose Janine, Mr. Johnson.
[SQUEALS] I'm so excited.
We're never gonna have to
say goodbye ever again. [SQUEALS]
Enjoy the mess.
What idiot doesn't want
a janitor for a roommate?
Don't forget, everybody.
Valentine's Day is coming up,
so make sure you tell your kids
about our "Give someone
you like some candy" event.
I don't understand why we
don't just call it "candygrams."
Because this way is simpler
and straight to the point.
Even my church does
give-someone-you-like-candy.
Although we always give it to God.
- But how does he receive
- Jacob. Mm-mmm.
No, I wanna know.
How does the candy get to God?
Tell you what, I don't miss
a bunch of eight-year-olds
being high off sugar all day.
It's gonna be so much easier this year.
[CHUCKLES] Melissa.
Candygrams are no walk in the park
with the older kids.
We are talking crushes,
secret admirers, hormones,
and one piece of candy can change
the course of their lives overnight.
Okay, Jacob, please don't talk to me
like I don't understand
the complexities of Valentine's Day.
I got valentines from
all three of the DeFazio triplets,
and I handled it quite well.
I dated all three,
at separate times.
Mostly.
Damn. I haven't seen this many hearts
since the time I accidentally made
my Instagram public.
This is all from you, Mr. Johnson?
You don't give gifts
when you're the present.
Now if you'll excuse me.
So, all these gifts
are from other men? [CHUCKLES]
Exes, suitors, fans, etc.
There's a woman or two in there.
I have four-quadrant appeal.
Athletes, oligarchs,
thespians, and lesbians.
I'm everyone's "one who got away."
Except for you, so you better watch it.
Boop, there I go.
Boop, there I go again.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm loving this bit where you pretend
to leave me. It's so funny.
- Then laugh at it.
- [FAKE CHUCKLES]
There it is.
You're just You're gonna
keep accepting all these gifts
from the people that you're not dating?
Why wouldn't I?
Ooh It's heating up.
Gregory Eddie.
Do you have any life-changing news
you wanna tell me?
Maybe that you are moving in
with the platonic love of my life?
And where'd you hear that?
You know,
just a little place called everywhere.
Give me the deets. Who asked whom?
Or was it whom asked who?
I said my rent was being raised.
And she said I should move in. I agreed.
Oh, my God. That's so romantic.
[CACKLES] This is humongous.
Yeah, I'm pretty excited.
Well, you should be.
It's the biggest deal of your life.
Because, you know,
it used to be her apartment,
and now it's your apartment.
All of her stuff with all of your stuff.
I never thought of it like that,
but I guess you're right.
Have you decided whose
colander you're gonna keep?
Or are you planning on
being a two-colander household?
Zach and I did that,
and it was a huge mistake.
No kitchen has that amount of room,
and you are never gonna
be making two carbs at once.
Don't do it. Promise me!
I promise you. Okay? Chill out.
You good?
- Yeah.
- All right.
Talent manager.
Heard you're moving
into my old apartment.
That means you're my tenant now.
Where's my money?
[GROANS] That's not
at all how that works.
And how does everybody know about this?
Uh, Nick just told me.
He's a very gossipy little boy.
Where is he?
Hmm. Uh, anyway.
If you find a GameCube
in one of the kitchen cabinets,
do not turn it off, okay?
I'm 5% through a perfect
Super Mario Sunshine speedrun.
Man, memories.
If those walls could talk
Do you think walls speak English,
or do you think they have
their own language amongst each other?
Like "Wallanese," if you will.
You think I can go up to a wall
and be like, "Konnichi-wall.
Hello. Kon Konnichi-wall."
"But it's also what makes math
so helpful."
Psst. Ms. Inez.
Can I look at that
give-someone-you-like-some-candy sheet
for my homeroom class?
Oh. Yeah, sure. Let
me find that for you.
Yeah, I wanna see who has crushes on who
so I can seat them apart.
Can't let the yearning get in the way
of the learning. Am I right?
[CHUCKLING] Yes.
[BARBARA] All right,
everybody grab a book.
Okay, this is not good.
[SIGHS]
All right, hot goss.
Unexpected classroom romance?
No. I got one kid
that no one's sending candy to.
Well, you can't expect
the whole class to get candy.
My whole class is getting candy
except this one kid,
Travis, who they all call a nerd,
but I don't see it.
I mean, I do, but I don't call him that.
Travis Gibson was in my class.
That boy was so shy,
he hardly ever said a word.
I know.
And if he's the only
one to not get candy,
- it'll break him.
- [BARBARA] Hmm.
A couple of wrong
turns like that in life,
a kid winds up Elizabeth Holmes.
Does he still carry around
that bag of rocks?
He makes stop-motion videos with them.
Oh, Tim Burton did that,
and he's totally normal.
Richard Burton.
- No
- That's Liz Taylor's husband.
Yeah, and right here is
where I thought we could
put your weight bench, right?
And then, while we're not using it,
we kick those puppies up
while we watch TV.
- Functional. Efficient. I like it.
- Yeah, right?
Yeah. Um, and obviously
we can keep my kitchen table.
My grandmother gave it to me.
So many memories.
Actually, she wasn't my grandmother.
She was this woman at the old
folks' home where I used to volunteer.
Yeah, she gave it to me before she died.
Well, she didn't give it to me.
She was throwing it out,
and I had space in my car that day.
And then she died. So
And, uh, what about these?
- Have these always been here?
- Oh! [CHUCKLES]
So those are from
when Tariq used to mark his height.
And that tallest one is from
when he was trying to
go for the world record
for world's tallest Afro.
I kind of forgot they were there,
but I can clean those off.
I'm sure it'll come off
with, like, a rag or spit.
And you know,
I have a few dishes I'd wanna bring.
- Yeah.
- Do you have any room in your cabinets?
Um, I should. Probably like on the top.
I haven't been up there in a while
'cause getting the stepladder out
is a whole to-do. [SIGHS]
Look, I-I like Tariq. I
Okay, I wouldn't
say I like Tariq, but
I wouldn't live with Tariq,
and there's a lot of Tariq in here.
So, I think we can
do a little bit better.
- You know, I have an idea.
- Mm-hmm.
What if, for fun,
we went and looked at some other places?
- You know, just for inspiration?
- Hmm.
Okay, yeah.
Oh, like on House Hunters,
but for an apartment.
Yeah, like a
like a fun role-play date kind of thing.
I love that. That's great.
Okay, we'll go see some other places.
We'll see how they have it laid out.
Ah! And then we'll get ideas
for when you move in with me.
- Exactly, yeah.
- Okay.
Oh! I hope we don't fall in love
with any of the other apartments
'cause then what would we do? [CHUCKLES]
So when's the move-in date?
Oh, my God, can I help Gregory move?
I love helping people move.
You know, one of the best ways
to increase intimacy is through misery.
Not for a few weeks.
We're gonna go see some other
apartments in the meantime.
But I thought he was moving
into your place.
He is. Gregory just thought
it'd be this cute couples' thing
if we go see apartments for inspiration.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
Okay, Janine, I'm gonna say something
that you're not gonna wanna hear.
Wh-What is it?
I am stealing that
idea for me and Elijah.
- That is such a fun date idea.
- I know, right?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hey, uh I rebooted the server,
so I'ma head out.
What's wrong with you?
Uh
Well, to be honest,
I'm not comfortable with you accepting
Valentine's Day gifts from other people.
- They just send them.
- I'd prefer they didn't.
So, you want me to call
my exes and admirers,
and, what, talk to them? [SCOFFS]
You're being insecure.
I'm not. It's a respect thing.
[SCOFFS]
You think I don't respect you?
I am committed to this, to you,
but I ain't gonna pretend
like I'm cool with you accepting, uh
What is this? Wimbledon tickets
from some dude you used to date?
What? But then what major
should he send me tickets to?
He plays better on grass.
Yeah, uh, I gotta go.
But we can talk more later.
[SIGHS]
Guess we'll just end
on this lingering tension.
[SCOFFS]
See, I don't think my
sixth graders are using
terms like "pining for you."
Well, they should. It's elevated.
Students like Travis have it
difficult enough as it is.
- Mm-hmm.
- So Melissa and I have decided
to send him some candy.
Yeah. And all we're doing
is pretending to be a kid.
We
Which, you know, contrary to how
that sounds, this time it's okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
For the last time, you are dealing
with forces you don't understand.
Jacob, we're trying to protect
the kid's feelings, all right?
No one's getting hurt here.
Look, I never got a
candygram growing up,
and it was brutal,
but that was my truth.
Okay? At least I knew where I stood.
And, hey, I turned out all right.
[BARBARA] Mmm
- Okay, you convinced us.
- Yeah.
We absolutely have to do it.
- It would be cruel not to.
- Yeah, do it, do it.
Hey, I got us an appointment
to view another listing.
This one has a full
bath and his and her
- Vanities?
- Stovetops.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
That's just a regular stove top. Wow.
This place is smaller than mine.
Should be cool to see
how they have it laid out.
- Yeah. Can't wait to see the layout.
- Yeah?
- That's the whole reason we're going.
- Yeah.
Oh. I also figured out
our characters, yes.
I am going to be the fashion editor
of a high-profile magazine
and you are going to be
a doctor who, twist,
just woke up from a coma.
Why do I need to have just woken up
from a coma?
Because you can't see an apartment
while you're unconscious, Dr. Eddie.
- Uh Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Chloe.
And for you, Travis.
- Really?
- Whoa, Travis got one?
Okay, Trav.
[STUDENTS OOHING]
He was grinning from ear to ear,
so look at that.
Seems like someone put a giant smile
on that kid's face.
He's climbing the social ladder now.
And that's all because of me
and Barb's harmless interference.
- Yeah.
- Well, I guess I stand corrected.
- [BARBARA] Hmm.
- But we will never know
if Travis was going to be
his generation's next angsty poet.
So, live with that.
You requested my services?
Yeah, Barbara somehow managed
to get another virus on her computer.
I need you to go fix it.
Why don't you just call your man?
We're fighting right now because
I'm accepting gifts from other people.
I can't help if I'm desired by everyone.
My life is hard enough as it is.
Hand me that Louis Vuitton.
Ugh. I'm so tired of
getting the same color.
Look, I get it.
I used to drown in unsolicited
Valentine's Day gifts myself.
If you feel like
you haven't done anything wrong,
maybe you should consider
how O'Shon feels.
You know, you're the first doctor
I've ever shown an apartment to before.
Yeah, well, being in a coma for so long
can really take a bite
out of one's finances.
So, it's a one-bed?
Yeah, and one bath.
Uh, speaking of,
why don't you guys, uh, look around?
I gotta go take a d a call.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Enjoy the loo.
Bloody good apartment
you have here. [CHUCKLES]
So, what do you think?
High ceilings, decent neighborhood.
Definitely better than the
first two places we saw.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES] But I don't know.
I'm just really not getting
any decor inspiration from this place.
Yeah, but the potential is out
of control, and bones are here.
I'm just throwing this out there.
What if we submitted an application?
Mm-hmm. Yes.
[BRITISH ACCENT] As long as it has
a carport for our many, many cars,
and a stable for our Clydesdales.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah. No, I mean, for real.
What if we made this our new apartment?
Okay, but I thought we
were just doing this for fun.
That's what you said.
We-we were, we were, but
these high ceilings, right?
- Not that high.
- And this view is just [SIGHS]
Gregory, this place sucks.
I mean, it's way worse than my place
which is nice and
charming and wonderful.
What's going on?
I don't want to move
into your apartment.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[MANAGER] Hey, I could use a little help
getting out of the bathroom.
It's a "bring your own knob"
kind of place.
You don't want to live together?
No, no. I-I want to live with you.
I just think that moving into your place
will feel like moving into your space.
And I guess I want a space
that feels like it's ours.
Right. But it will be our space.
Yeah, but you've been there
for so many years
and you've lived a lot of life there.
Is that bad?
I just think that we could find a place
that is big enough for both of us,
with stuff that we picked out together
and where you don't have to
walk through a doorway
where you see how tall your ex was.
Did you know that Tariq has a GameCube
in your top kitchen cabinet?
- No.
- He asked us not to unplug it.
I want to start fresh.
Okay, I get that. I get that.
So the whole apartment-hunting thing
was a ruse.
Do you even like House Hunters?
Janine, I love House Hunters.
- But, yeah, it was a "ruse."
- Mmm.
All right, well, I hear you.
And finding a place together,
that does sound kind of nice.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- [DOOR RATTLES, OPENS]
- [MANAGER SIGHS]
So listen, Doctor,
if you're worried about crime,
we all are, but what are you gonna do?
[CHUCKLES]
- Definitely not this place.
- Not this place.
- [BOTH] Thank you.
- Thank you.
I want to know who sent my man
a give-someone-you-like-some-candy.
Okay, what's going on now?
- Oh, Mrs. Bag of Rocks is here.
- [MELISSA] Oh.
This is not a big deal.
I just want to whoop
whoever gave Travis his candy's ass.
- Where are you at?
- Yeah, where are you at?
Here you at.
You should've listened to me.
You should've stayed out of it.
- Travis has a girlfriend?
- Okay, look, relax, okay?
It's just Mrs. Howard and I.
We just wanted to send Travis
a little candy.
Uh, yuck. Y'all are sick.
We just thought that Travis was gonna
be the only one in his
class not to get one.
Wait, so these are pity Skitties?
- Well
- Oh, what? Don't eat that.
I know y'all ain't just have pity
on my man.
Okay, Travis, Travis's girlfriend
Uh, I have a name.
That don't mean I'm
telling you, stranger.
Okay, Travis, anonymous
teen, we're sorry.
Travis, you're a special child,
and we didn't want you to doubt that
just because you didn't get some candy.
Thanks, but I got a girl.
And for future reference, I always will.
- Clock it. Let's go.
- [BARBARA] Ah.
[STUDENTS OOHING]
You wanted to talk to me?
You need me to wrap one of your gifts,
hang a flat screen, hide the wires?
Stop. Look around.
What do you see?
- Nothing.
- Exactly.
Happy Valentine's Day.
I texted everybody, and I told them,
"Look, I only want gifts from one man."
I'm sorry. I know I joke around,
but I'm committed to you too.
All right? You ain't got
nothing to worry about.
That's why I didn't even
think anything of it.
You the only milk chocolate that I want.
Okay, baby girl. What did you do
with all the gifts, though?
Donated them to the needy.
Then there was that
time I was in Namibia
swimming with the
elephants on the beach.
So he's baby girl now?
- Yeah
- [TARIQ] Nick!
Oh. Phew! There you go.
I was just thinking about y'all.
So the GameCube
I know y'all really worried about it,
so, got it out of your hair.
You came by?
Yeah. Last night. You didn't hear me?
Made a smoothie and everything.
Where's Nick?
Oh, my God. Nick!
- Does he still have a key?
- Hope so.
It definitely won't happen at our place.
I know.
See anything you like?
Mmm. Some, but it's all so expensive.
[CHUCKLES] I can't even afford
the open apartment above me.
- [GROANS]
- And how much is the one above you?
Uh, it's like 400 more,
but it's not a basement.
It's better sunlight, it's bigger.
You know, it's the stuff
you pay the big bucks for.
Well, we can afford 400 extra dollars.
No, I can't.
But we can.
No, we cannot, Gregory.
The math isn't there.
I mean, I'd have to take another job,
take out a loan, hit the pole
Uh Janine, you do realize that
we will be splitting the rent, right?
Wha Oh. Oh!
Did you get so used
to Tariq not contributing
that you forget that I got a job?
And, like, utilities
we'd be splitting those too?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES]
That changes everything, okay?
Does Philadelphia have castles?
'Cause, like, I want to look at those.
Let's start with the one
in your building first, but sure.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh!
I'll get all the toilet paper, though.
You don't have to do that.
We can split that too.
Yeah.
Wow, really does feel
amazing to be right.
I can see why you two
insist upon it so much.
I can't wait to tell Elijah about this
tonight at Valentine's Day.
Oh, my God, I forgot to get him a gift.
[BARBARA SCOFFS] Well, that
horse doesn't feel so high now,
does it, Jacob?
At least we got our men covered.
Nope, I left Captain Rob's present
in the cart.
Well, good luck to you both,
'cause Gerald's going
to love his men's Bible.
As much as he loved
the one you got him last year?
[ALL] Shopping!
Let's go. I'll drive.
- Whew!
- First piece of furniture together.
- That was easy.
- Yeah. I mean, it's perfect,
and it's so us,
and Wayfair delivered it so fast.
Now we just have to figure out
where we're gonna sit.
Hmm. Well, we can sit
at opposite ends of the table.
- Okay.
- Right?
Maybe when company is over.
This feels too formal, yeah.
- Side by side?
- Yeah.
Maybe hug a corner?
- That one?
- Yeah.
- This is good, yeah.
- Perfect.
Mmm. And we even get to look
at our wonderful view.
It's like being in the penthouse
of a skyscraper.
- That has two floors.
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, my goodness. What is gonna happen
to the cat I've been feeding?
He's gonna be so confused when
he doesn't have any sardine dinners.
[CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS]
Yeah, about that