Ghosts (2021) s05e13 Episode Script

1
(GRUNTS)
What about this guy?
Mm, I don't know, he looks a little old.
Aren't you like 200?
I am 175. How dare you?
- What's going on?
- ISAAC: Trevor helped Hetty set up
an online dating profile
to secure a companion
for St. Patrick's Day,
when, if precedent holds,
she shall be visible to Livings.
And I would like to
spend that time bewitching
and ultimately
frustrating a male suitor.
So, these are all your matches?
Kind of slim pickings.
Well, we are limited by the
fact that Hetty's profile picture
is an oil painting.
And she has some pretty
strict conditions.
"Seeking upper-class gentleman
for one day of civilized conversation.
Location not negotiable."
Yeah, I see how that could be limiting.
Ooh, it's after midnight.
(GASPS) Am I visible?
You're always visible to us.
Right. Hmm.
I have an idea.
(WHISPERING) Jay. Jay?
- Jay!
- (SHOUTS)
Oh, yes!
- What the hell?
- Oh, it's fine.
You've just seen a ghost.
Go back to bed.
♪
JAY: You guys are never gonna
guess who's on the reservation list
for tonight at Mahesh.
Cindy Cole.
The highly regarded event planner?
She was on the cover of
the November issue of Hudson Living.
Oh, that name is so offensive
to the dead community.
Why not just Hudson People?
- Babe, this is huge.
- Uh, yeah.
If she likes the
restaurant, it opens us up
to a whole bunch of new business.
We're talking wedding
ceremonies, corporate events.
Sounds like we really got
to be on our A game tonight.
I'm gonna take a quick
nap before dinner service.
How do you feel about Life magazine?
Uh I don't love it.
Hey, I'm a little bit
worried about Bela.
Have you noticed that she's
been sleeping a lot lately?
- Yeah, that is concerning.
- (DOOR OPENS)
Ever since her and Eric
broke up, she seems okay,
- but the napping, it's weird.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, uh, sorry I'm late.
Hey, Kyle.
Wait, what is Kyle doing here?
Okay, I didn't want to
tell you guys because I know
you get upset, but I have
to go out of town again
- for my friend's baby shower.
- ISAAC: And Kyle's gonna
- ghost-sit us while you're gone?
- Oh, hell yes!
- TREVOR: Kyle! Kyle!
- ALBERTA AND ISAAC: Kyle!
(CHANTING): Kyle! Ky
How are the ghosts taking it?
Pretty well.
I think just sometimes,
somebody different
You don't have to make it better.
I let them stay up late to watch TV.
Just stop.
ALL (CHANTING): Kyle! Kyle! Kyle!
JEFF: And here we have an amuse-bouche,
courtesy of Chef Jay.
Oh, well, wasn't that thoughtful?
Got it. Tommy Frangakis, party of four.
We'll see you on Friday.
Hey. Looks like it's going well, right?
The, uh, event planner lady
seems to be enjoying herself.
Jay, relax, she's having a great time.
Jeff is on it.
- Who's Jeff?
- New server,
poached from a nearby
fine dining establishment.
He's the best in the business.
Hetty Woodstone,
party of two.
What are you doing?
Oh, that's right.
It's St. Patrick's Day.
This is wild. Great 'fit, Hetty.
Why, thank you.
Has my date arrived yet?
You're the first from
your party to arrive.
Okay, no.
You are not going on
a date at my restaurant
on the same night that
the Cindy Cole is here.
What if someone walks
through you or something?
People will freak out.
Jay, I am visible for one day only.
Now, you can either let
me have my rightful seat
or I will go and stick my hand
through Cindy Cole's head.
Okay, fine, put her at table nine.
Good for you, Hetty.
KYLE: Hey, so, uh,
weird question: Do you have any smelt?
The fish?
Thor wanted to smell smelt
so that he could say he "smelt smelt."
And then I laughed, and
he said "No, I'm serious,"
so now, here I am.
You're so funny, Kyle.
I don't think we have any smelt,
but you could check the walk-in.
- Uh, great, thank you.
- (DOOR OPENS)
BELA: So, everything seems under control
with dinner service, so
I might just head back
to the house and take a
quick 20-minute power nap.
Well, you know, Bela, um,
hmm, I was just thinking.
You're single, and Kyle is single.
Okay, this is interesting.
And you know it's hard for him to date
because women find his whole
"seeing ghosts thing" weird.
If Kyle marries Bela,
he might move in, and
we'd have a backup butler.
Okay, truth is, I'm
sort of seeing someone.
You are? Why didn't you tell me?
It's Sasappis.
Aw, come on. Sass?
I mean, we hooked up in
my dream that one time
and we thought that was gonna be it,
but then things evolved.
That's why she's napping all the time.
Honestly, I am relieved.
I thought she'd come
down with febricula.
I was gonna send
Samantha out for leeches.
This is insane. Where
is this possibly going?
I don't know. We haven't
really talked about that.
Look, I gotta go.
I'm supposed to meet him
in Paris in 15 minutes.
You can control where you dream?
I'm getting really good
at it. I read an article.
JAY: Okay, just checking in,
seeing how everyone's
enjoying everything.
Oh, well, we're liking the pakoras,
but we're loving the Jeff.
Stop, please.
Right after you call my
mother and repeat every word.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, he truly is the best.
Well, let me know if
you need anything else.
Oh, with Jeff in our corner,
we haven't a care in the world.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, poor Hetty.
It appears her suitor
has still not arrived.
- (SIGHS)
- JEFF: Hello, ma'am.
I noticed you're still waiting
for the rest of your party.
Did you? Did you notice that, Jeffrey?
I'm sorry, I was just wondering
if you wanted to order
something while you wait.
An appetizer, maybe.
Oh, you think I'll be
waiting here a while,
so you might as well run up
the tab on the stood-up lady?
(LAUGHS) I was gonna tip
you a nickel. No longer.
I really didn't mean to touch a nerve.
And now I'm hysterical.
Well, you might as well just
ship me off to Michigan, Jeffrey.
And who made you a
relationship expert, anyway?
I don't see a ring on that finger.
Well, that's because
my husband left me last
week for the dog walker.
Oh, I I-I didn't know.
I can't do this.
I knew it was too soon
to come back to work.
I'm sorry, Jay. I have to go.
That's a mean lady.
(JEFF WHIMPERING)
(DOOR OPENS)
Hetty.
What the hell, Hetty?
Jeff was by far our best
waiter, and Cindy was loving him.
I do not understand
what the big problem is.
Don't you have some other
urchin that can just fill in?
It's not that easy, Hetty.
Jeff's not some high school kid.
He's a career waiter.
Please, a monkey could do that job.
Quite literally.
We once had a capuchin serve
cocktails at a garden party.
You only think it seems easy
because you never had an actual job.
What's going on? We heard Jeff quit.
We're down to one server.
Brian was a no-show.
Where's Bela? Could she hop in?
I guess I could go get her,
but she's kind of taking care of
some business back at the house.
Pretty generous way to
describe a sex nap, Jay.
Who's that lady standing
at Cindy Cole's table?
HETTY: Hello. My name is Hetty.
Jeffrey wasn't feeling well,
so I shall be filling
in for the evening.
- What the hell is she doing?
- CINDY: Oh, no.
What happened to him?
He got consumption.
It happens.
Look at this schlemiel,
powerless to turn on the TV,
just waiting for "The Finger" to arrive.
I've asked you multiple times
not to call yourself that.
And I'm just waiting
for Bela to fall asleep.
Why?
Because we're sort of dating.
Yeah, we had plans to
hang out in her dream,
but she had an afternoon coffee,
and now she's just tossing and turning.
You dirty dog.
How's it going?
Uh, honestly?
I know it's crazy,
because we're on different
planes of existence,
but I'm really into her.
Who am I to judge crazy?
I hooked up with a Puritan
in a Hebrew and butter
churning fit of lust.
We're all on our own journeys.
Yeah. It's only been a couple weeks.
Um, do you think it's too soon
to ask Bela to be my girlfriend?
What? Yes.
You always come on way too strong.
And then they ditch you.
Or leave you for roast beef.
It wasn't just roast beef.
It was also the call of the open road.
But your point is taken. I hear you.
Trust me, the less
interested you seem in her,
the more interested she'll be in you.
I know it sounds crazy
but it works.
Huh.
How is the lamb vindaloo prepared?
Excellent question.
- They cook it.
- JAY: Uh, Hetty?
Could I please speak with you?
Excuse us for one moment.
You cannot wait tables
at the restaurant.
Number one, you are a ghost.
And you know what? I'm
gonna rest my case right there.
Jay, relax. You need me.
Your remaining server Michael,
he's a bona fide idiot.
And that aside,
you are looking to
impress the upper crust.
Who better than one of their
own to help you do that?
You need to put your best foot forward,
and tonight, my friend, I am that foot.
Okay, but just don't screw this up.
I got ghosts waiting tables,
ghosts hooking up with my sister.
So sorry about that.
Now, what would you like
for your first course?
Ah, well, let's see. We'll
have the samosa flight,
the dahi puri but only if the shells
are made with semolina, not wheat.
Semolina, yes.
Oh, can we get that without chickpeas?
Of course.
Do you want to write any of this down?
Nope.
It's all right up here.
Well? What did they order?
Absolutely no idea.
Seriously, Hetty?
It just all came so fast,
and then they wanted modifications.
And don't even get me
started on Duncan's allergies.
Yeah, honestly, Duncan probably
shouldn't be leaving his home.
It's a borderline bubble boy situation.
AMANDA: How did you get this job?
Weren't you a customer,
like, 30 minutes ago?
I am sort of a distant
relative of Samantha's.
I am her great,
- great, great
- Nope.
wonderful aunt.
NEEL: Hey, that, uh,
Cindy lady seems like she's getting
a little impatient out there.
Ugh, this is a disaster.
I thought waiting tables would be easy.
But, ooh, it is not.
As much as it pains me to admit it,
Jay, you were right.
This is beyond my female abilities.
Yo! That was not my exact wording.
And I am so sorry to let you all down.
Oh, God. Come on, Hetty.
Y-You're being too hard on yourself.
Yeah, come on. You can do this.
You just, you need a little help.
- Really?
- AMANDA: We'll coach you up.
There's little tricks
to remember orders.
Mnemonic devices.
You're not gonna be
like Jeff in one night,
but we're gonna get
you through the shift.
Why are you all being so nice to me?
'Cause a restaurant is a
team, and we got your back.
Me on a team. (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Like a regular common woman.
Nothing common about you.
Hi. I'm Neel. Do you like ice cream?
Sorry it's not Paris like we planned.
When I was reading about lucid dreaming,
I saw a pop-up ad for
glamping, and here we are.
SASAPPIS: Oh, that's sort of Parisian.
Creepy, but Parisian.
Okay, can we, like,
get some space, dude?
(CHUCKLES) That's better.
So, I know this is not the
most conventional relationship,
but where do we see this going?
Like, you and me?
Uh
I don't know. (CHUCKLES)
I'm cool. Whatevs.
Okay. (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
But if you had to, like,
put a label on it
what would you say we are?
Oh, yeah, labels aren't really my thing.
You know, um, I thought
we'd keep it caszh.
I see.
CINDY: Aloo gobhi, three
basmatis, chicken tikka
and two orders of garlic naan.
Can you actually make that three orders,
and light cheese on the saag paneer?
Oh, this is impossible.
That was the most complicated
order I've ever heard.
My order was always tandoori chicken,
side of basmati rice, extra yogurt.
- Pete, what are you doing?
- What?
I will put your order right in.
Well?
Butter chicken, aloo
gobhi, rogan josh ♪
Three basmatis ♪
Mango chutney on the side ♪
Vindaloo but make it mild ♪
Chicken tikka, rice that's wild ♪
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Three garlic naan breads ♪
And no cashews unless
you want Duncan dead. ♪
- (SHOUTS)
- (APPLAUSE)
I told you. The song thing, it works.
Yes! And I did it all without cocaine.
All right. Wow, you might be
a restaurant worker after all.
(EXHALES) Aw, I'm sorry,
I'm just well, I'm touched.
When I was alive
Watch the past tense.
Which I still am.
Like all of you, my life is ongoing,
and I am living it.
- Nice save.
- Anyway,
it's thanks to all of you that I
I feel this sense of purpose
and, well, pride in menial
labor that I never knew.
And it feels good.
JAY: Oh, look who's back.
Jeff to save the day.
He now makes way more than I do.
- Welcome back, Jeff.
- What is that lady doing here?
Oh, well, um, she felt bad
about what happened before,
so she's been filling in,
but now that you're back,
we don't need her anymore.
Oh, really? I can, I
can stay if you need.
Nope. You are no longer necessary.
You're off the hook.
I see.
Okay, Jeff, let's get you out there.
Cindy's gonna be so happy to see you.
Hey, Kyle. What are you up to?
Oh. Hey, Bela. Just, uh,
making my famous guacamole for Nancy.
You have to cut the shallots
so fine they almost disappear.
- Less talky. More guac-y.
- Sorry.
There you go.
(INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES)
We meet again, my little green friend.
BELA: So, Kyle, um, earlier today,
Jay had this kind of crazy idea.
He thought you and I should go out.
I mean, that actually
makes a lot of sense.
- It does?
- Yeah.
I mean, we get along, and
most of my dating problems
stem from my freakish ability
to interact with the dead,
but you already know
about the ghost stuff.
Yeah, and it doesn't bother me.
NANCY: Well, what are you waiting for?
Ask her out, you big weenie.
I'm not a weenie.
Sorry, no, I
What I meant to say is, uh,
would you like to get
a drink with me tonight?
Yeah, I'd really like that.
NANCY (LAUGHS): Yeah.
Now, how about you two
slather yourselves up
in some guacamole and start making out?
I'm just gonna watch. (CHUCKLES)
There you are.
We wanted to see how you were doing.
I'm fine.
You're not upset about
being replaced by Jeff?
You think I'm upset
about not being required
to do menial labor?
Well
- you're right.
- ALBERTA: Well, stop
sitting around here wasting
your last hours of visibility
and go get your job back.
But you heard what Jay said.
I'm no longer necessary.
Oh, I also heard Jay tell Sam
they were going to watch
The Mandalorian last week,
and what did they watch?
13 Going on 30, again.
Was it creepy that Ruffalo
was dating a 13-year-old? Sure.
But an 11-year-old Tom Hanks
slept with Elizabeth Perkins in Big.
The point is, body switching
is ethically complicated.
Peter, maybe stand down
for this conversation.
You just need to be firm
with Jay and tell him
how important this is to you.
What's the point of being visible
if you're not going to be seen?
What does that mean, exactly?
I don't know.
But I saw it on Emma Watson's Instagram.
So, she tells me to
drop my pants and cough,
and-and then, like, two seconds later,
my real doctor walks in, and
suddenly, I have to explain
why I'm waiting for her half naked.
- (LAUGHS)
- So, it was a ghost?
That's so funny.
You know, I-I'm actually
really enjoying this.
It's such a relief to be able
to talk about my power openly.
Hey, Kyle! Um, I heard you
were on a date with Bela,
but the thing is, you
know, we've been dating,
and I really want to win her back,
so, um, I was wondering if
you can translate for me.
- I'm sorry?
- What's happening?
Uh, Sass is here,
and he says that you two were dating?
He used the word
"dating"? (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
'Cause I thought it was
more of a casual thing.
SASAPPIS: No, I just listened to some
stupid advice from Trevor,
but the truth is, I really like you,
and I do want to give us a real try.
Please, relay.
W-we're kind of in the middle of
- What's he saying, Kyle?
- (STAMMERS)
He's saying he followed
some bad advice from Trevor,
but he doesn't want it to be casual.
And you don't need
to settle for this guy
you clearly don't care about
just to make me jealous.
Please, relay.
I don't really want to say that.
- BOTH: Say it.
- (SIGHS)
Fine.
Bela, you don't need to settle. For me.
So, you really want to
give this a shot, Sass?
More than anything.
And, Kyle, make sure to get
the passion in my voice right.
He says, "More than anything."
Terrible.
Thank God red makes me sleepy.
Sass, I'll see you in my room in ten.
And, Kyle
uh, feel free to use my
employee discount on the bill.
Aw. (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry, Kyle.
Um, but you know that
Hetty's single, right?
- Just go.
- Yep.
Bested by a guy with no physical form?
That's a first.
Go ahead. Go get your job back.
- Jay, we need to speak.
- Um, little bit busy.
We're in the middle of dinner service.
I would like the opportunity
to finish my shift.
You see, Jay, I started this day
thinking very little of service workers.
But I've gone on a
journey, and I've discovered
that there is dignity in hard work.
And despite widely held beliefs,
waiting tables is not something
that could be done by an actual monkey.
Oh, she said it. That's growth.
I appreciate that,
Hetty, and, um, I'm glad
that you went on that
journey, but Jeff is back
and there's too much
on the line. I'm sorry.
I see.
Amanda, how's that paneer coming?
- Amanda?
- Sorry, Chef.
If Hetty's not working tonight,
then I'm not working tonight, either.
What?
For Hetty.
Seriously?
COBRA: Me, too, Chef.
For Hetty.
Oh, my God. Jay is getting Rudy'd.
- For Hetty.
- For Hetty.
Wait, who's Hetty?
- She's Hetty.
- Oh.
For Hetty!
Okay. Fine.
Jeff you're benched.
What does that mean? Is that
some sort of sports thing?
If there's one rule I live my life by,
it's that you don't want to get caught
on the wrong side of a Rudy.
Hetty, get back out there.
- (LAUGHS)
- (CHEERING)
So happy to have you back, Hetty.
Ah! Get away from me. Don't touch me.
Right, no, yeah.
And thank you, one and all.
Ooh. Here's to another
great night at Mahesh.
That event planner had an awesome time.
I think we have some
business heading our way.
Thanks to Hetty.
- Aw.
- Hey. To Hetty.
- ALL: To Hetty!
- (LAUGHS)
Oh, this is like when I got
into the cult on the first try.
- How is it like that?
- You know, just a situation
where a group of people
really, really liked someone.
- You wouldn't understand.
- NEEL: Who wants to take
this party to a second locaysh?
Never go to a second locaysh with Neel.
- What's happening?
- AMANDA: We sometimes go
to The Quarry after work.
It's this little dive bar.
So, you coming?
I would love to.
I got shots!
(LAUGHTER)
Hey. Where'd Hetty go?
Oh, I think I just saw her run out.
I mean, sh-she must have been tired.
Well, okay, thanks
for the Irish goodbye.
How dare you? Cobra,
you're better than that.
That was insane.
She-she didn't run out.
She just, like, poofed away.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Okay, Gabe.
How high are you?
Oh, yeah. I'm pretty high.
(LAUGHTER)
I got to cut back.
I'm sad to say I must be on my way ♪
So buy me beer or whiskey,
'cause I'm going far away. ♪