Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e14 Episode Script

1
[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING]
Jakey, wakey-wakey!
[GROANS]
[SHRIEKS]
Yeah, my brother Caleb is visiting.
I know. It was a surprise to me too.
But he and Melissa
really hit it off last
time he was here,
and when she found out
he was coming to Philly
to apply for a personal training job,
she invited him to come stay with us.
In my room. In my bed. [EXHALES]
I miss my bed.
Good morning, sunshine. You hungry?
- Scrambled eggs and smiley-face pancakes?
- [MELISSA] Uh-huh.
[CALEB] What is this, heaven?
Where are my pancakes?
Oh, yeah. Sorry, I ran out of batter.
But I threw the first one in the trash
if you want to dig it out.
I still don't understand
why Caleb can't sleep in the guest room.
I told you. Because the guest room's
for guests. Caleb's family.
Mel, do you think that maybe, um,
Jacob could come to my room later?
[STAMMERS] Because I rearranged the
furniture and made
a really sweet fort.
You can have whoever you
want for company. It's your room.
No, it's not!
- Yes, it is. Mel said. She said.
- No, it's not.
- I pay rent, Caleb. It's my room.
- I called dibs, okay? I
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
You all are doing so well,
and you did excellent on these tests.
So now we are moving on to explore
the deep blue sea.
[STUDENTS CHEER]
Things are really good. [CHUCKLES]
I'm down to 37 students
because I lost a few at the mall.
Not "lost" lost.
Lost because they transferred
to other schools. [CHUCKLES]
I mean, I'm so sad about it.
I miss them so much.
So who can tell me, what is the largest
body of water on Earth?
You need to be more
"Pacific." [CHUCKLES]
- You see what I did there?
- [JANINE CHUCKLES]
- Hey, Janine. You having a good day?
- Yeah, yeah.
Excellent. So, things going well?
- They are.
- Yeah. So, you enjoying life?
- Thanks for asking. Actually, I am.
- Not anymore.
Come on in, y'all.
Um, Ava, who are these children?
Oh, these are transfers
from McDowell Elementary.
Remember they stole our construction
crew then we stole them back
- so we could get out of that mall?
- Yeah.
Well, their floor collapsed, and
then the city condemned their school,
so here you go.
Okay, but I'm already at 37 students,
so five more is gonna put me at
Forty-two!
That is correct, Constance. Great job.
[CHUCKLES]
- Good luck, girl.
- No, A-Ava.
- [STUDENTS CLAMORING]
- O-Okay. Everyone, settle… settle down!
And what are your names?
Everything okay, bud?
Staring at that coffee maker
like it broke your heart.
Yeah, I forgot to put in a new pot.
It's fine. I'm just gonna drink
the leftover groundwater.
Good God, woman,
why not just brew a new cup? Whoa.
Hot. Gross. I don't have the energy.
My class is off the walls.
What is the word for "over overwhelmed?"
In English or Polish?
Swamped, crushed, distressed.
I just can't believe Ava dumped
all those extra kids on ya.
Oh, and you've got Julisa in your class.
That little girl alone has enough energy
to power a small city.
Her parents are actually
getting her tested for ADHD soon.
So there might be an explanation
for that. But she's
not even a problem.
The problem is
the sheer volume of children.
- And also the children's volume.
- [SCOFFS]
Anyway, I am now off to the basement
to see if I can find more desks.
You know,
I'm glad Julisa is getting tested.
Yeah, me too. Maybe she can get
some medication for that.
I just hope they really test her
and don't throw a pill at her
the way they used to.
Oh, yeah. Remember the '90s?
They were tossing out Ritalin
like Skittles to kids who didn't raise
their hand before talking.
It was just easier to find
a one-size-fits-all shortcut.
[MELISSA] Mm-hmm. That's right.
Sometimes I don't even know
if we need medication.
- [MELISSA] Mm-mmm.
- [DOMINIC] I have ADHD,
and if taking medication for it
is a shortcut,
then it's a shortcut I choose every day.
Hey, you guys think
I could pull that off?
[ALL] No.
- [JACOB] Why not?
- You don't have the calves.
Alan Cumming, on the
other hand: stunning.
Eh. You know what?
None of his outfits really do it for me.
Yeah. They're all
just so loud. We get it.
- [MELISSA CHUCKLES]
- Seems like he's trying so hard.
And I know it sounds crazy,
but that is when Elijah
and I fell in love with honky-tonk.
- [GREGORY] Mmm.
- [AVA SIGHS]
Jacob, enough with the "honk talk."
Gregory and Melissa,
you're up next on the PE rotation.
- Oh. All right.
- Okay.
Wait, wait. We still need a gym teacher.
My brother Caleb's looking for a job.
I mean, he was hoping to get hired
to reflate The Rock,
but I bet he would do this.
I have so many other priorities
before I hire a gym teacher,
like leaving this conversation.
Yeah, stop trying to weasel your way
into Ava's inner circle.
It's just me and her against the world.
Guys, don't you think
Caleb would kill it?
Didn't he actually kill Melissa's uncle?
No, no, he just didn't know
how to check for a pulse,
and so he wrongly pronounced him dead.
But he's learned. He's grown.
Okay. Listen,
I love Caleb like he's my son,
but the thing about teaching PE is
you gotta be a coach to these kids.
You gotta treat them like little players
on a little football team
so you can get the most
out of their little bodies.
Yeah, I think we can handle it
till we get a real replacement.
I mean, not to brag,
but I'm somewhat of a gym shark myself.
Never met a leg day I didn't like.
Then accept my squat challenge.
No.
I've seen Mr. J's quadriceps.
Ain't no joke.
If he were to beat me, that would
damage my impression of myself,
and I'm not risking that.
And that's when you tell the one,
- "Oh, you carry."
- [STUDENTS CLAMORING]
- What was that?
- I dropped my pen.
Dropped your pen?
[STUDENTS GASPING] Whoa!
No, no, no. I don't know what they do
in your other school,
but this classroom
is a no-flip zone, okay?
- Where did you get that?
- My quiver. Duh.
Stop aiming that at me.
Stop walking where I'm aiming.
You pick something
to stare at, and then
you kind of hurl
your body into the air.
- Cool.
- No. No flipping. Especially you, Matty.
You have a low center of gravity.
You can't handle it. No.
- [THUDS]
- [STUDENTS LAUGHING]
I need a teacher's aide.
What did you say?
I need a teacher's aide.
Get your sweaty palms off my desk.
Why do you need an aide?
You can't handle a couple more kids?
No, I can't. Okay? "A couple of kids"
just sent it over the tipping point,
and now they are out of control.
I need help.
You can say that again.
I'll see what I can do
before you flip out.
[STAMMERING] Why would you say flipping?
Nobody's flipping.
This is why I need a "goodbye" sign.
Get out of my office, weirdo.
And tomorrow we will learn about
one of the worst sequels ever made,
World War II.
Hey. You got a minute?
Yeah.
I could use some advice.
Oh. Come in. Sit.
Let me share my wisdom.
I don't want to make
a big thing of this,
but that conversation in the
lounge yesterday, I can't shake it.
Oh, I totally hear you. 100%.
On the same page.
- But what are you talking about?
- Well, Mrs. Howard
and Ms. Schemmenti were talking,
and Mrs. Howard shared some opinions
that didn't sit right with me,
'cause I'm that way.
So it was a little offensive.
Oh, my God. I-I didn't realize you were…
[SCOFFS] Well, I am.
I caught Barb's microaggression
when she called Alan Cumming loud.
But I didn't know anybody else had.
[SCOFFS] My gaydar clearly needs a
tune-up because it
did not go off at all.
[CHUCKLES] It's
so nice to finally have
another queer teacher at this school.
I don't like to talk
about it. It's just,
I don't think Mrs. Howard
really gets the struggle.
[SPUTTERS] No, she does not.
And it was hard hearing her being
so flippant about it.
- I hear you, brother.
- Do they talk like that often?
You know, it's sad.
I barely even notice anymore.
Does anyone else know?
No. You're the only person
I've told at Abbott.
Well, what about your family?
How did they handle it?
They kind of knew all along.
- Yeah.
- Explained a lot.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I promise it gets better.
It has. Yeah. See, you get it.
If it's bothering you,
you could talk to Barbara.
I don't know.
I don't want to rock the boat.
You know what? Why don't I talk to her?
I will leave your name out of it.
Sometimes I can be so subtle,
it's like I said nothing at all.
[STUDENTS CLAMORING]
[JANINE] Daniel, sit down.
Guys, stop doing that dance.
It is inappropriate.
- Why?
- I can't even explain.
Argh. It's always
some struggle with you.
Is that what you came in here to say?
Yes.
- And also, good news: I got you an aide.
- Oh.
In fact, I got you the best aide
this district has to offer.
She's multitalented, multifaceted,
multi-award-winning,
holder and defender
of the best teacher's aide certificate
- three years and counting…
- Oh, no.
- …Ashley Garcia!
- [EXCLAIMS]
- [THUDS]
- [OBJECTS CLATTERING]
I'm back. I'm back.
Where are your shoes?
[ASHLEY STUTTERS]
[CHUCKLES]
Ashley, why don't you go
introduce yourself to the students
while I talk with Ava really quickly?
- Okay, good idea.
- And put your shoes on.
Hey, everyone. I'm Miss Garcia,
and I hope you're thirsty,
because I'm a "Kool-Aid."
- [AVA] She said "Kool-Aid."
- [JANINE] Yeah.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Ava, I asked you for help,
not a 43rd student.
Well, she's the only aide available,
so take her or leave her.
I'd like to leave her, please.
You can't. This is why I never help you.
I already filled out
the paperwork, and
you need to be careful
what you beg for.
What you want me to do,
send out another email?
Come on, Ms. Teagues.
You gotta get in on this.
No. No. Can you stop?
You know what that means.
Set, hut.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Are you sitting, or are you leaning?
- Leaning.
- Come on. Sit like you mean it.
Really sit into it. Knees, 90 degrees.
Core, activated.
- Feel that burn. Feels good, doesn't it?
- No.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
You call that the Brotherly Shove?
What is that?
It is 4th and 2. There are
three seconds left on the clock.
Do you even want to make the playoffs?
Can we play a normal game like tag?
You wanna play tag instead
of practicing the most effective play
in the history of football?
- Now get to tush-pushing.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
Come on. The last 30 seconds
are the most rewarding.
Do not stop now.
We getting to the end of the rainbow.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- May I have a word with you?
- Please come in.
I want to talk to you about something
you said the other day
when you were talking to Melissa.
I just want to encourage you to be a
little more thoughtful when you speak
and to consider the people around you.
To whom and what are you referring?
I am not at liberty to say.
Well, Jacob,
if I wanted to read a mystery novel,
I would go to the library.
So please leave.
I have gold stars to distribute.
Look, just be careful what you say
and who you say it around,
especially when bicon Alan Cumming
is involved.
I do not understand what it is
you are talking about,
but if I agree with
you, will you go away?
- Absolutely.
- Wonderful. Thank you.
Have a seat, please.
Guys, what is with the paper?
Um, do you mind keeping it down in here?
Some of us are trying to work.
Not me, but some of us.
Well, this isn't working.
Ashley is making things worse.
Oh, no. This isn't an invitation
for you to complain. Figure it out.
Hey, guys, quiet coyote. Quiet coyote.
Ocean, put that arrow down.
Constance, get away from the sink.
Jamir. No, drop the chalk.
Take that out of your mouth.
Hey, Marissa. I said no tattoos, okay?
If you want to calm them down,
I know a trick.
I mean, by all means, Ashley,
your help is welcome at any time.
Except for now. Who is that,
and why am I looking at him?
It's Paul Walter Hauser as Richard
Jewell from the movie Richard Jewell.
If you just hold up this picture of him,
the kids will be quiet.
It works every time.
Ashley, I've been teaching
for a very long time now,
so I'm not exaggerating
when I say that
is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Look, it's been three years
since you saw me.
I've learned a lot,
watched a lot of movies.
I'm a three-peat Aide of the Year
with 1,000 followers on Letterboxd.
You think those things aren't related?
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
We'll split the
classroom into two, okay?
You take the left side.
I'll take the right side.
I said, you take the left side.
Oh, you meant "left" left. [CHUCKLES]
I thought you meant
stage left. My bad.
Proper stretching prevents injury, okay?
So focus up.
- Where are y'all going?
- [CALEB] Melissa.
- Melissa.
- Get down.
Jacob and Caleb, what
are you doing here?
So I overheard some students saying
that they weren't having
the most amazing time in gym class.
No, you heard wrong,
'cause they love this class.
No, we hate it.
- She hates everything.
- She's got an attitude.
I just thought maybe you could use
some help, and so I brought Caleb.
Maybe he could take the wheel
for a little bit.
Look, I know you guys look at me and
you just see a ripped TikTok trainer,
but I'm more than that.
I was also a ripped camp counselor
for five years
and a ripped junior trainer
in the kids zone at my last gym.
I can do it.
- Come on, just give the boy a chance.
- Come on. Put me in, coach.
Okay, here, fine.
These are the plays we're working on.
Whistle. Good luck.
[WHISPERING] Whistle. Plays. Yeah.
Start with seven sets
of Bulgarian split squats, okay?
Play nice.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Attention, fitness freaks.
Who's ready to have some fun, huh?
- [STUDENTS] Yeah.
- [BLOWING WHISTLE IN RHYTHM]
Fun? Yeah, physical education
is not supposed to be fun.
Yeah. It's supposed to make you
hate your life.
- Yes.
- Is nothing sacred anymore?
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
Then reach up. Very good, very good.
Okay, keep that
going. I'll be right back.
Hey. What do you guys think?
How am I doing out there?
It's not what I would have done,
but the kids do seem
to be enjoying themselves.
Yeah, you are weirdly good at this.
- Why? What is your secret?
- That's my job.
Kids don't need to
burn as many calories
or gain muscle mass like adults do.
- I knew that.
- Plus,
you know,
they actually like these activities.
That little girl's asleep.
No, no. That's called corpse pose.
It's great for recovery.
[MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
Oh, wait. No. No, yeah, she's asleep.
Also great for recovery.
Bye, y'all. Enjoy your lunch.
- Hey, Dom.
- What's up?
So I had a very productive
conversation with Barb.
It's just that generation, you know?
Thanks, man. It just
gets to me sometimes.
What if she says
something like that to a student?
Exactly. But, um, she heard me,
and don't worry,
I did not tell her you were gay.
Okay, good.
Uh, why would you?
No, I would never.
It-It is your truth to share.
- It's not, though.
- Yeah, no, I-I get it.
[CHUCKLES] It wasn't easy for me to
come out either,
but you are not alone.
I'm also not gay.
Yeah, okay, I just feel
like we're going backwards here, man.
You know, I already know.
Remember? You told me.
No, I didn't, because I'm not gay.
Is this what you talked
to Mrs. Howard about?
No…
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Or rather, yes, but kinda no.
So, if you're not gay, what made
you uncomfortable in the lounge?
I have ADHD.
Gay-DHD?
- No, straight-DHD.
- Damn.
I take medication for it,
and it really helps me.
So when Mrs. Howard said… [SIGHS]
Stuff like that is part of the reason
why medication is still stigmatized.
Well, first of all,
thanks for sharing that with me.
- You're welcome.
- Second, uh,
we might have a bit more work
to do with Barb,
but I could circle back and I could
pretend to get a call
from my pharmacist
You know what, man?
Thank you very much for all your help.
I'll take it from here.
Okay.
[CLAMORING]
Ashley, my side can't focus.
I know that you think splitting up
the classroom is a good idea,
but, and hear me out, it is not working.
Oh. You don't think it's working?
No.
Is it time to bring down
the house with Hauser?
Ashley, there is no way
a stupid picture of Paul Walter Hauser
is gonna calm down 42 second
[CLAMORING STOPS]
How?
[CHATTERING]
[JANINE] Hey, hey, hey.
Back to reading.
[ASHLEY] I learned two years ago
that much like a slice of cheese
being thrown on a crying baby's head,
Paul Walter Hauser as Richard Jewell
in Richard Jewell disorients the mind
of anyone under 12 years old
into complete silence.
Trust me.
- [WHISPERING] Hey, Ashley.
- Shh! We're reading.
- It was me.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Can you make this quick?
I'm getting to the good part.
Okay, um…
I owe you an apology.
Facts. And I think you, like the FBI,
owe Richard Jewell an apology.
- Yeah, I-I owe you both an apology.
- Mm-hmm.
I learned a lot
in my first years of teaching,
and I shouldn't have assumed
that you wouldn't have done the same.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank me.
- Thank you.
Of course, girl.
What else y'all want to talk about?
How Janine's getting
worse at teaching?
How she's lying about being short?
When has holding up a picture
of a white man ever stopped me?
[CHUCKLES] Think about it.
Why would she need those big-ass feet
if her body is really small?
Mrs. Howard, can we talk?
Sure. What's on your mind?
Well, it's not something
I usually talk about,
so it's kind of difficult
for me to articulate.
Sweetheart, if you could just pick up
the pace a bit, please.
I have a dinner date
with my new grandbaby.
Well, the other day in the lounge,
something that you said bothered me.
Why is everybody talking in riddles,
and what am I saying?
I'm not good at the first one,
and I don't remember the second.
It was about ADHD.
Oh.
I have ADHD.
I was diagnosed in middle school.
You were always a rambunctious student,
but I had no idea.
Yeah, my doctor actually
suggested medication,
but because of the stigma around it,
I didn't want to try it.
It wasn't until college when I
finally decided to give it a shot,
got a prescription.
It really helped me. And it still does.
I'm happy that you took action
for yourself.
Thank you.
I worry that calling
it a shortcut might
make some of the
students feel ashamed.
First of all, I'm sorry if I made you
feel anything less than good, Dominic.
That is the last thing that I would
want, and I promise you in the future,
I will be more careful
about how I use my words.
- I really appreciate that, Mrs. Howard.
- All right.
[DOMINIC SIGHS]
Anything else?
I'm not gay. See you later.
Okay.
He's got the first graders playing
freeze tag to practice balance.
[MELISSA] Yeah, middles are Hula-Hooping
for focus and endurance.
Got the big kids doing yoga
for flexibility.
I am so proud.
Of myself for being right.
Hell, yeah, little buddy.
That's that confidence we talked about.
Listen, Ava, I know he's my son…
- Literally not.
- Congratulations.
The kid is undeniable.
You've gotta hire him.
I only do nepotism
hires for Black people.
Plus, he doesn't have
proper credentials.
You didn't have a
single credential when
you started here, and that worked out.
Kind of.
Sort of. Eventually.
I mean, we getting there.
Freeze tag rules.
You're the best, Coach C.
No, you're the best, Lonnie.
Cool.
Look at that. You have to hire him.
My God, okay. But only part time,
and he has to get all his credentials,
which I assume is just running a
mile and learning
how to blow a whistle.
Maybe now I'll get
my room back. [CHUCKLES]
Maybe I'll never get my room back.
Now, the mini Zen garden
is great for focus.
- Okay.
- And the lava lamp is really good
Let me guess that one. Mood regulation.
Close, but no.
It just enhances grooviness.
Wow. You really have thought
of everything.
- It is amazing how locked in you are now.
- I know.
Ashley, come on.
My algorithm overheard O'Shon talking
about software deployment,
and now it thinks I'm an army wife.
I need you to reset it. How many
videos can you watch in an hour?
- You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
- [JANINE] Wait.
Ashley, we're in the middle
of something important.
Sorry, girl. You know
I'm still deeply unserious. [CHUCKLES]
Duty calls.
Can you at least tell me
what the hot sauce does?
Sprinkle it by the door. You'll see.
I have no idea what it does,
but maybe like me…
[WHISPERS] …it'll prove itself.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I don't know. But
we're about to find out.
I'll clean it up. Sorry.
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
- so help you God?
- Yes.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]
- So, you do this for all the new hires?
Uh-huh. Standard protocol.
First question.
- What's your full name?
- Caleb Whitney Hill.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]
- Are you sure about that?
- Y-Yes?
- [DEVICE CHIMES]
Interesting.
[TYPING]
Where do you live?
- At Jacob's house.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]
- [CHUCKLES] Sorry. At Melissa's house.
- Which one is it?
- Jacob's house. I mean, Melissa's house!
- [DEVICE CHIMES]
Earlier today,
you and I did the squat challenge.
Who won by a landslide?
- Well, I did.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]
- You… You did, sir. You did, sir.
- [DEVICE CHIMES]
- You're damn right I did.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]
Don't you ever forget it.
sync & corrections awaqeded