Ghosts (2021) s05e14 Episode Script
The Water Heater
1
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- [DOOR OPENS]
Isaac. The voting for class
president has concluded.
And? Don't keep me waiting, man.
What were the results?
- Well, you: one.
- Oh, I won?!
[GASPS] I shall write
to Father immediately.
Huzzah! What a day to
be Isaac Higgintoot.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh
Oh, no. Yes, that is my mistake.
I was saying, "You, colon, one."
The number one. O-N-E.
- What?
- You received one vote.
Ebenezer Hubbard received the rest.
So, you: one.
Ebenezer Hubbard: all the rest.
Why would you say it like that?
And surely you miscounted.
I must have received two votes.
One cast by myself and the other by you,
my roommate.
It's just that Ebenezer Hubbard
was offering more pudding
- in the dining hall.
- Oh!
You and your single-issue
pudding voting.
You know that's a treat for children?
You have a problem, sir.
I'm sorry. I'm just upset.
You know what makes me
feel better when I'm upset?
Don't say pudding.
♪
- ALBERTA: Oh! Uh, Is it smaller than a breadbox?
- Yeah.
- [GASPS]
- Is it a Dane's head again?
Ha! You are most excellent guesser.
Guys, this was so much fun.
I can't believe we've never
done a double date before.
Girl, we've done this many times before.
Oh. [LAUGHS] Right on.
What is this? You guys have
been going on double dates?
Apparently.
Well, till next time. [SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
Why haven't you guys invited me
and Bela to these group dates?
We're another couple in the house.
Well kind of. [CHUCKLES]
You can only see her when
you visit her in her dreams.
Yeah, no disrespect, but
you guys are sort of a night couple.
- And we love that for you.
- Look,
I know my thing with
Bela is unconventional.
I mean, our last date
took place in a hot air
balloon floating over Mars.
But our relationship is just
as real as anyone else's.
Okay, Sass.
Would, uh, you and Bela
like to go on a double date
with me and Pete later?
Say, after we smell lunch?
We'd love to. Oh, and let us
know if we can bring anything,
because my girlfriend can carry stuff.
Ooh.
Sounds great. We're excited.
- How is this gonna work?
- I have no idea.
[SIGHS]
Yes, I'm sorry, Mrs.
Stevens, but we are aware,
and we're working on the
hot water issue right now.
You know, a lot of high-end
spas offer a cold plunge
that guests actually pay extra for
And she hung up on me.
As a former penny stock slinger,
I appreciate the attempt
to polish that turd.
Well done.
You know, it's great that
we're getting more guests
since we got on that
boutique hotels list,
but I'm a little worried
about the strain it's putting
on the old water heater.
Thor not understand why
anyone need hot bath.
Or bath.
Uh, one of my greatest pleasures in life
was indulging in a hot bath.
The steam, the solitude,
the pained grunts of my servants
as they lugged the boiling
water up three flights of stairs.
Didn't you have some
big epiphany last week,
something about a newfound
respect for the working man?
Did I? That does sound familiar.
Hello, all. Happy election day.
Oh, that's right. Today's the day
those cretins downstairs
choose their nominee
- for ghost representative.
- ISAAC: Yes.
If I win this, and then
later, I best Flower
in the general election,
the office is mine. [LAUGHS]
Samantha, what's going on?
You're not wearing your button.
Well, I was wearing it,
but then guests kept asking
what "Isaac For Ghost
Representative" meant,
and I didn't really have a good answer.
What does ghost
representative even do again?
Is ghost who speak with Sam
on behalf of other ghosts.
Dates back to early days when Sam
gain ability to see ghosts,
but now more of a figurehead position.
Exactly. I've always
wanted to be a figurehead.
Oh, I'm so nervous. [CHUCKLES]
I stand on the precipice of
my first-ever election victory.
I don't understand how
this thing is even close.
Isn't your opponent
literally named Creepy Dirk?
Mm, down there, creepiness
isn't a liability.
It's just something
that makes you relatable.
Hey, babe. Mark and I were just
working on the water heater.
[CHUCKLES] Well, Mark was working.
Jay just held the flashlight
and screamed, "Aah! Cobweb!"
It's bad news. You're
gonna need a new unit.
Yeah, we're gonna need a new unit, babe.
ISAAC: A new water heater?
Samantha, that's not going to
go over well in the basement.
They love that water heater.
Are you sure we can't just
repair the current unit?
Unfortunately, no. But the good news is
I can get you a new one pretty quick.
Yeah. Yep, we can get it expedited.
- Please stop doing that.
- Okay.
Jay, this isn't good.
The basement ghosts are really attached
- to that old water heater.
- Why?
It's basically their god.
Why?
Why did the ancients revere Zeus?
Why did I have my foreskin removed
while people gave speeches and ate lox?
The point is,
they love that water heater,
and who are we to question it?
Isaac, maybe just don't mention
this to the basement ghosts.
They are gonna figure it out
when Mark shows up
with a new water heater.
I know, but until then, I
don't need them complaining
and trying to talk me out of it.
I don't know, Samantha.
I don't feel right
withholding information from
those ghouls. I mean, my people.
What if I agree to wear the button?
[GASPS] Deal!
Hey. What are you still doing here?
Oh, uh, since they're so busy,
Sam asked me to stick around
and help out with ghost
stuff for a few days.
Thor wanted rams' testicles,
so I'm making Swedish meatballs
and hoping he can't
smell the difference.
- Who you talking to?
- Sass is here.
Oh, hey, babe.
Loved our balloon ride last night.
We gave those Martians quite a show.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Great.
SASAPPIS: Okay, this is perfect.
Would you mind asking Bela
if she's free to join me
on a double date with
Pete and Alberta today?
This isn't something that can
wait until Bela takes a nap?
Oh, does Sass want to meet
up? I had lasagna for lunch
ugh, heavy so I could see myself
falling asleep within the hour.
Cool. Um, he's actually asking
if you want to double date
with Alberta and Pete today.
Like, in a dream?
Oh, no, no, no, like
an actual double date
while we're awake. It's not
like we're just a night couple.
He's saying an actual date,
here, while you're awake.
Okay, fun. But how would that work?
Well, Kyle, this is where you come in.
Oh. No, no.
No, no, I will not be
acting as translator
on a ghost double date.
Oh, come on, Kyle, please.
Sass and I have never
been on a real date before.
Oh, okay, that is not true.
We've gone on plenty of real dates.
They're just
Please, Kyle?
It would mean a lot to us.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine, fine. I will join
as the fifth wheel on an
interdimensional ghost date,
all because I was knocked out
by a goose on a roller coaster.
- That's the spirit.
- KYLE: Now, do these
look like rams' balls to you?
- Oh, yeah.
- KYLE: Awesome.
Love my life. I'll see you later.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hi. Isaac Higgintoot,
running for ghost representative.
Seriously? It's me, Catherine.
We've been standing next
to each other for months.
Oh. [LAUGHS, STAMMERS]
Oh, it's just that
you look so different.
Is that a new sack?
It really brings out the
jaundice in your cheeks.
Not surprised he doesn't recognize you,
since he spends all his time upstairs
talking to his high-altitude friends.
Ooh, sick burn.
- Ha! Carpetbagger.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I am a basement ghost. I'm creepy.
I smell bad. People don't
want to be around me.
I'm one of you.
Look, Isaac, I wanted to give
you the benefit of the doubt
when you started this
whole thing, but a leopard
doesn't change its spots.
You're upstairs every chance you get.
He was upstairs 15 minutes ago.
You reek of sunlight and circulated air.
Okay, it's true,
I do spend time up there,
- but it's for you.
- [BASEMENT GHOSTS SCOFF]
- Okay.
- ISAAC: No, no, no, no.
For real, for real. In fact,
because I have ingratiated
myself and earned their trust,
I have come across some
intel, the likes of which
Dirk could never glean.
That's Creepy Dirk to
you. Show some respect.
Wait, what are you
talking about? What intel?
Sam and Jay
intend to replace the water heater.
- [BASEMENT GHOSTS GASP]
- ISAAC: Yes, but
if elected your ghost representative,
I won't let that happen.
I, Isaac Higgintoot, will save
the water heater!
[CHANTING]: Isaac! Isaac!
ALL: Isaac! Isaac! Isaac! Isaac!
- Oh, greetings, all.
- Oh, you're in a good mood.
[LAUGHS] Have you ever had
your name chanted at you?
It's intoxicating.
They chanted my name at Scores once.
They have to if you order the Boob Luge.
Isaac, what did you do
to receive such adulation?
Well, that's what I'm
here to talk about.
Samantha, there's
been a change of plans.
- In terms of ?
- ISAAC: The water heater.
You actually now cannot buy a new one.
What are you talking about?
Well, as it turns out,
my campaign was
barreling towards defeat.
Apparently, I'm viewed as somewhat
of an elite upstairs intellectual.
[CHUCKLES] So, in a
shrewd political maneuver,
I promised my subterranean constituents
that their beloved water
heater shall not be replaced.
This is unbelievable.
Isaac promised the basement ghosts
that we wouldn't get a new water heater.
Well, what if I said that I don't care
what one invisible person
promises another group
of invisible people?
Please, Samantha, I need this
election. It means everything.
And we need a working water heater.
We have guests, and the current one
can't keep up with the demand.
Or we could simply pour one bath
and allow your guests to take turns.
That is how we bathed our hounds.
Not the show hounds, obviously,
but the pigeon hounds.
Okay, it seems that
we're at an impasse, mm?
I need to sew up this nomination,
you need this new water heater.
Or we just go with Hetty's hound plan,
which is still on the table.
What if hm
we just delay the water heater by a day?
That way, I can tell the basement ghosts
that I convinced you
not to touch the old one.
And then, after I win the election,
we can bring in the new water heater.
But won't they just be mad later?
ISAAC: Well, then I'll
deal with that then.
The important thing is
to win the election first.
Or you could just be a real leader
and tell your constituents
the hard truth now.
Oh, like you're a profile in courage
when you tell Jay that your moisturizer
costs only eight dollars.
SAMANTHA: Uh, Jay, now I'm thinking
maybe we should delay the water
heater installation by a day.
JAY: Oh, why, babe?
Ghost stuff.
Uh, circle? Uh, moon? Uh, planet!
SASAPPIS: Man, they're good.
Bela, are you having
fun? Kyle, please relay.
Uh, so are you having
fun? Sass is asking.
Totally.
I mean, I'm looking at an empty room,
but when it's our turn,
I think it's gonna be pretty exciting.
Uh, ape. [GASPS] Planet of the Apes.
Ding, ding, ding, ding!
Point, "Beauty and the Pete."
Okay, Sass and Bela, you're up.
Bela, it's your turn to guess,
so, Sass, here is your clue.
Lime? What the hell
kind of clue is lime?
Oh, he can't say it out
loud, that's cheating.
- She can't hear me, Pete.
- Right.
Uh, what's wrong with my clue?
Limes were my favorite garnish.
So, quit whining and start miming.
- Ooh, babe, that was good.
- [ALBERTA LAUGHS]
Is the date still happening, or
Kyle, put 60 seconds on the clock.
Kyle?
Uh Fine. [CLEARS THROAT]
- Go.
- Uh
Screwing in a lightbulb?
Why are you twisting
your hand like that?
This is how you get it out of the tree.
- Nuh-uh, no verbal cues.
- Is it a squirrel?
Who pulls a squirrel off a tree?
Uh, okay. Uh, try this.
- Uh, turning a doorknob?
- No. Uh
Oh. Cleaning a glass?
Wait, w-why'd you stop doing it?
She's not getting it.
Okay, maybe, uh, charades
wasn't the best idea.
It's fine. We got it, Pete.
What's happening now?
Sass is kind of snapping at Pete.
Well, don't tell her that.
Look, this was a lot of fun,
but maybe we just call it a day?
I think we just need
a different clue, okay?
Kyle really wasn't getting that one.
I'm doing it exactly how you're
How is this not juicing a lime?
Oh, and now, he said it out loud.
That's actually a point for us.
And time.
Oh, that was a disaster.
- He said it was a disaster.
- Seriously?
My God, man, show some judgment.
All right, you two, any
final words before we vote?
Just remember who's
responsible for saving
our dear, dear water heater
and its precious gurgles.
[CHUCKLES] Some people are
calling me the Gurgle King.
NANCY: Yeah, they are.
[CHANTING]: Gurgle King!
ALL: Gurgle King! Gurgle King!
WORKMAN: I thought we were
supposed to install this tomorrow.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, but me and Tracy
are doing this daytime date tomorrow.
Our couples therapist thinks
it could be a game changer.
It's a new water heater.
Is it, though? It could
be a water softener.
Or-or one of those Japanese toilets.
Anyway, I believe we were about to vote.
But why would there be a
new water heater if Isaac
got Sam and Jay to agree
to keep the old one?
I think I know what happened.
- You do?
- NANCY: Yep.
Clear as day.
Sam friggin' stabbed Isaac in the back.
You had a deal with her
and she decided to take
a big old ten-dollar dumperoo on it.
That witch. How dare she. [LAUGHS]
Let's go up there and give
all her guests cholera!
- What? [STAMMERS]
- Yes.
Or-or-or
we just let bygones be bygones?
[SCOFFS]
I kid, of course. Let's
do the cholera thing.
NANCY: Yeah! Cholera!
- ALL: Cholera! Cholera!
- Cholera.
Oh, yeah, Mom, no,
things are good. Well
we did have to splurge
on a new water heater,
but hopefully, that is the last
surprise for a little while.
Huh? Bela? Dating anyone?
Um, not that I've seen.
Oh, that's clever. Good one, Steve.
All right, you three
head up to the guest rooms
and cholera anyone with a pulse.
The rest of us will fan
out on the main floor.
What's going on?
Well, uh, funny story,
actually. Samantha betrayed us,
so we're sort of up here
to take revenge by, you
know, giving everyone cholera.
- [CHEERS]
- FLOWER: Wait, because
they're getting a new water heater?
It's not just that.
It's that she deceived us
and broke her promise to Isaac.
Broke her promise to Isaac?
That doesn't sound like
something Sam would do.
And yet here we are.
Now, let's get to cholera-ing everyone
and ruining Sam and Jay's business.
I just feel like with Woodstone
getting on that B and B list,
things are finally
turning around for us.
- Now, let's make them pay.
- Yeah!
Isaac, do something.
Sam and Jay are your friends.
Here we go. Ducks on the pond.
Hope your toilets are working better
than your water heater, Jay.
No, no, no, stop this.
Oh! This is terrible.
Wait! I lied.
Samantha's innocent. [WEAK CHUCKLE]
What are you talking about?
Well, um, she never promised she
would keep the old water heater.
- I just told you that she did.
- But why?
Because I wanted to win the election.
My plan was to secure your votes
and then, well, deal with
the fallout afterward.
- [LAUGHS]
- So you just wanted to trick us?
It's been 250 years. I needed a win.
I mean, this is crazy.
That mouth-breather John
Adams got to become president.
And I can't even become
a nominee to compete
in the general election
for ghost representative.
We almost hurt a bunch
of innocent people
because of your lies.
I just thank God nobody got hurt.
Oh. Uh-oh.
Okay,
that one's not on us.
[GROANS]
My tum-tum.
Hey, guys. I just wanted
to come and apologize
about the date earlier.
Oh, hey, that's okay.
And I'll say what we're all thinking.
Kyle he biffed it.
Like, just copy me. It's so easy, right?
Like, come on. [CHUCKLES]
So stupid. Kyle sucks.
R-Right. Yeah. No, no. It
was-it was all Kyle's fault.
Next time, I say we get Sam.
Sam knows how to juice a lime.
Unlike Kyle.
Next time? There ain't
gonna be a next time.
- Alberta.
- No, uh-uh.
He needs some tough love.
Baby, this wasn't Kyle's fault.
Your girlfriend cannot see you.
Y'all are a night couple.
And if you think it's gonna
be anything more than that,
you're gonna be sorely disappointed.
PETE: Yeah, I don't know
if I would've shouted
it quite so bluntly,
but, um, I do agree.
I mean, Bela's a living woman,
and you died 500 years ago.
- So what are you guys saying?
- ALBERTA: We're saying
Bela's great, and so are you,
but maybe you both
deserve something more.
But Kyle's lime work
Oh, yeah, it definitely
left something to be desired.
Where are you taking us?
You'll see.
Whoa.
What's all this?
It's a funeral for the water heater.
It doesn't make up
for what I did to you,
and I'm not trying to win your vote.
I know that ship's already sailed.
But you all lost something
that's important to you.
And that's worth taking
a moment to acknowledge.
CREEPY DIRK: Wow.
None of us even had
funerals for ourselves,
and we're people.
- Arguable.
- [JAY GROANS]
I-I'm cold, Sam. I'm so cold.
He'll be better in a few hours.
Technically, he walked through me.
Hurt me for a minute. I forgive him.
If Thor may,
Thor have speech prepared.
He was up all night working on this.
My condolences.
Oh, I think that's it.
That was beautiful, Thor.
I don't know if this is the right time,
but my sincerest apologies
for my grandparents
dumping you all in a mass grave.
Oh. That's very thoughtful.
So you got the living butler
to throw a funeral for an appliance?
I suppose I did.
That's more than Dirk's
done in four years.
Not my fault.
It's hard to ask for favors
when the good-smelling lady
refuses to talk to me because
she doesn't like being smelled.
Isaac seems to be really in with her.
I mean, like, she'll
do anything for him.
- Oh, well, I don't think
- It's true.
She bends to my whim.
He got her to write a book about him.
Aw, screw it.
Isaac made a mistake,
but he owned up to it.
And who cares if he's a pompous windbag?
He gets results.
Wait, what's happening?
All in favor of Isaac
being the basement nominee?
- Aye.
- OTHERS: Aye!
Oh, my God. I did it.
I won. W-O-N.
That's not my vote tally.
That's what happened.
[SNIFFS]
Please stop.
Well, we finally made it to Paris.
I watched Amélie and Moulin Rouge
before going to bed to make
sure it worked this time.
[LAUGHS]
- We should talk
- I've been thinking
- Oh, uh
- No. [STAMMERS]
- You first.
- O-Okay. Uh
- Look, I really like you, but I
- But this is insane?
Yeah.
You're amazing and
you deserve to be with someone
that you can interact with
during waking hours.
Well, that's a low bar,
but thank you, Sass.
You're amazing, too.
I think we
both have had a tough time
of it, dating-wise, lately.
- Yeah.
- Maybe it felt good just to
get away from reality,
but I've been sleeping way too much.
I haven't been sleeping
at all. I'm exhausted.
I think I'm abusing melatonin.
[LAUGHS]
Okay, so, um
This is good.
Yeah.
And whoever you end up with,
he's a lucky guy.
You know who's still single? My Eric.
Sorry, that's my ex's mom.
I must be feeling guilty
because she keeps
popping up in my dreams
after I broke up with him.
He'll treat you like a queen.
Do you want to go check out
the Eiffel Tower? As friends?
I'd love that.
Have you seen his 401k?
He contributes regularly.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- [DOOR OPENS]
Isaac. The voting for class
president has concluded.
And? Don't keep me waiting, man.
What were the results?
- Well, you: one.
- Oh, I won?!
[GASPS] I shall write
to Father immediately.
Huzzah! What a day to
be Isaac Higgintoot.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh
Oh, no. Yes, that is my mistake.
I was saying, "You, colon, one."
The number one. O-N-E.
- What?
- You received one vote.
Ebenezer Hubbard received the rest.
So, you: one.
Ebenezer Hubbard: all the rest.
Why would you say it like that?
And surely you miscounted.
I must have received two votes.
One cast by myself and the other by you,
my roommate.
It's just that Ebenezer Hubbard
was offering more pudding
- in the dining hall.
- Oh!
You and your single-issue
pudding voting.
You know that's a treat for children?
You have a problem, sir.
I'm sorry. I'm just upset.
You know what makes me
feel better when I'm upset?
Don't say pudding.
♪
- ALBERTA: Oh! Uh, Is it smaller than a breadbox?
- Yeah.
- [GASPS]
- Is it a Dane's head again?
Ha! You are most excellent guesser.
Guys, this was so much fun.
I can't believe we've never
done a double date before.
Girl, we've done this many times before.
Oh. [LAUGHS] Right on.
What is this? You guys have
been going on double dates?
Apparently.
Well, till next time. [SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
Why haven't you guys invited me
and Bela to these group dates?
We're another couple in the house.
Well kind of. [CHUCKLES]
You can only see her when
you visit her in her dreams.
Yeah, no disrespect, but
you guys are sort of a night couple.
- And we love that for you.
- Look,
I know my thing with
Bela is unconventional.
I mean, our last date
took place in a hot air
balloon floating over Mars.
But our relationship is just
as real as anyone else's.
Okay, Sass.
Would, uh, you and Bela
like to go on a double date
with me and Pete later?
Say, after we smell lunch?
We'd love to. Oh, and let us
know if we can bring anything,
because my girlfriend can carry stuff.
Ooh.
Sounds great. We're excited.
- How is this gonna work?
- I have no idea.
[SIGHS]
Yes, I'm sorry, Mrs.
Stevens, but we are aware,
and we're working on the
hot water issue right now.
You know, a lot of high-end
spas offer a cold plunge
that guests actually pay extra for
And she hung up on me.
As a former penny stock slinger,
I appreciate the attempt
to polish that turd.
Well done.
You know, it's great that
we're getting more guests
since we got on that
boutique hotels list,
but I'm a little worried
about the strain it's putting
on the old water heater.
Thor not understand why
anyone need hot bath.
Or bath.
Uh, one of my greatest pleasures in life
was indulging in a hot bath.
The steam, the solitude,
the pained grunts of my servants
as they lugged the boiling
water up three flights of stairs.
Didn't you have some
big epiphany last week,
something about a newfound
respect for the working man?
Did I? That does sound familiar.
Hello, all. Happy election day.
Oh, that's right. Today's the day
those cretins downstairs
choose their nominee
- for ghost representative.
- ISAAC: Yes.
If I win this, and then
later, I best Flower
in the general election,
the office is mine. [LAUGHS]
Samantha, what's going on?
You're not wearing your button.
Well, I was wearing it,
but then guests kept asking
what "Isaac For Ghost
Representative" meant,
and I didn't really have a good answer.
What does ghost
representative even do again?
Is ghost who speak with Sam
on behalf of other ghosts.
Dates back to early days when Sam
gain ability to see ghosts,
but now more of a figurehead position.
Exactly. I've always
wanted to be a figurehead.
Oh, I'm so nervous. [CHUCKLES]
I stand on the precipice of
my first-ever election victory.
I don't understand how
this thing is even close.
Isn't your opponent
literally named Creepy Dirk?
Mm, down there, creepiness
isn't a liability.
It's just something
that makes you relatable.
Hey, babe. Mark and I were just
working on the water heater.
[CHUCKLES] Well, Mark was working.
Jay just held the flashlight
and screamed, "Aah! Cobweb!"
It's bad news. You're
gonna need a new unit.
Yeah, we're gonna need a new unit, babe.
ISAAC: A new water heater?
Samantha, that's not going to
go over well in the basement.
They love that water heater.
Are you sure we can't just
repair the current unit?
Unfortunately, no. But the good news is
I can get you a new one pretty quick.
Yeah. Yep, we can get it expedited.
- Please stop doing that.
- Okay.
Jay, this isn't good.
The basement ghosts are really attached
- to that old water heater.
- Why?
It's basically their god.
Why?
Why did the ancients revere Zeus?
Why did I have my foreskin removed
while people gave speeches and ate lox?
The point is,
they love that water heater,
and who are we to question it?
Isaac, maybe just don't mention
this to the basement ghosts.
They are gonna figure it out
when Mark shows up
with a new water heater.
I know, but until then, I
don't need them complaining
and trying to talk me out of it.
I don't know, Samantha.
I don't feel right
withholding information from
those ghouls. I mean, my people.
What if I agree to wear the button?
[GASPS] Deal!
Hey. What are you still doing here?
Oh, uh, since they're so busy,
Sam asked me to stick around
and help out with ghost
stuff for a few days.
Thor wanted rams' testicles,
so I'm making Swedish meatballs
and hoping he can't
smell the difference.
- Who you talking to?
- Sass is here.
Oh, hey, babe.
Loved our balloon ride last night.
We gave those Martians quite a show.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Great.
SASAPPIS: Okay, this is perfect.
Would you mind asking Bela
if she's free to join me
on a double date with
Pete and Alberta today?
This isn't something that can
wait until Bela takes a nap?
Oh, does Sass want to meet
up? I had lasagna for lunch
ugh, heavy so I could see myself
falling asleep within the hour.
Cool. Um, he's actually asking
if you want to double date
with Alberta and Pete today.
Like, in a dream?
Oh, no, no, no, like
an actual double date
while we're awake. It's not
like we're just a night couple.
He's saying an actual date,
here, while you're awake.
Okay, fun. But how would that work?
Well, Kyle, this is where you come in.
Oh. No, no.
No, no, I will not be
acting as translator
on a ghost double date.
Oh, come on, Kyle, please.
Sass and I have never
been on a real date before.
Oh, okay, that is not true.
We've gone on plenty of real dates.
They're just
Please, Kyle?
It would mean a lot to us.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine, fine. I will join
as the fifth wheel on an
interdimensional ghost date,
all because I was knocked out
by a goose on a roller coaster.
- That's the spirit.
- KYLE: Now, do these
look like rams' balls to you?
- Oh, yeah.
- KYLE: Awesome.
Love my life. I'll see you later.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hi. Isaac Higgintoot,
running for ghost representative.
Seriously? It's me, Catherine.
We've been standing next
to each other for months.
Oh. [LAUGHS, STAMMERS]
Oh, it's just that
you look so different.
Is that a new sack?
It really brings out the
jaundice in your cheeks.
Not surprised he doesn't recognize you,
since he spends all his time upstairs
talking to his high-altitude friends.
Ooh, sick burn.
- Ha! Carpetbagger.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I am a basement ghost. I'm creepy.
I smell bad. People don't
want to be around me.
I'm one of you.
Look, Isaac, I wanted to give
you the benefit of the doubt
when you started this
whole thing, but a leopard
doesn't change its spots.
You're upstairs every chance you get.
He was upstairs 15 minutes ago.
You reek of sunlight and circulated air.
Okay, it's true,
I do spend time up there,
- but it's for you.
- [BASEMENT GHOSTS SCOFF]
- Okay.
- ISAAC: No, no, no, no.
For real, for real. In fact,
because I have ingratiated
myself and earned their trust,
I have come across some
intel, the likes of which
Dirk could never glean.
That's Creepy Dirk to
you. Show some respect.
Wait, what are you
talking about? What intel?
Sam and Jay
intend to replace the water heater.
- [BASEMENT GHOSTS GASP]
- ISAAC: Yes, but
if elected your ghost representative,
I won't let that happen.
I, Isaac Higgintoot, will save
the water heater!
[CHANTING]: Isaac! Isaac!
ALL: Isaac! Isaac! Isaac! Isaac!
- Oh, greetings, all.
- Oh, you're in a good mood.
[LAUGHS] Have you ever had
your name chanted at you?
It's intoxicating.
They chanted my name at Scores once.
They have to if you order the Boob Luge.
Isaac, what did you do
to receive such adulation?
Well, that's what I'm
here to talk about.
Samantha, there's
been a change of plans.
- In terms of ?
- ISAAC: The water heater.
You actually now cannot buy a new one.
What are you talking about?
Well, as it turns out,
my campaign was
barreling towards defeat.
Apparently, I'm viewed as somewhat
of an elite upstairs intellectual.
[CHUCKLES] So, in a
shrewd political maneuver,
I promised my subterranean constituents
that their beloved water
heater shall not be replaced.
This is unbelievable.
Isaac promised the basement ghosts
that we wouldn't get a new water heater.
Well, what if I said that I don't care
what one invisible person
promises another group
of invisible people?
Please, Samantha, I need this
election. It means everything.
And we need a working water heater.
We have guests, and the current one
can't keep up with the demand.
Or we could simply pour one bath
and allow your guests to take turns.
That is how we bathed our hounds.
Not the show hounds, obviously,
but the pigeon hounds.
Okay, it seems that
we're at an impasse, mm?
I need to sew up this nomination,
you need this new water heater.
Or we just go with Hetty's hound plan,
which is still on the table.
What if hm
we just delay the water heater by a day?
That way, I can tell the basement ghosts
that I convinced you
not to touch the old one.
And then, after I win the election,
we can bring in the new water heater.
But won't they just be mad later?
ISAAC: Well, then I'll
deal with that then.
The important thing is
to win the election first.
Or you could just be a real leader
and tell your constituents
the hard truth now.
Oh, like you're a profile in courage
when you tell Jay that your moisturizer
costs only eight dollars.
SAMANTHA: Uh, Jay, now I'm thinking
maybe we should delay the water
heater installation by a day.
JAY: Oh, why, babe?
Ghost stuff.
Uh, circle? Uh, moon? Uh, planet!
SASAPPIS: Man, they're good.
Bela, are you having
fun? Kyle, please relay.
Uh, so are you having
fun? Sass is asking.
Totally.
I mean, I'm looking at an empty room,
but when it's our turn,
I think it's gonna be pretty exciting.
Uh, ape. [GASPS] Planet of the Apes.
Ding, ding, ding, ding!
Point, "Beauty and the Pete."
Okay, Sass and Bela, you're up.
Bela, it's your turn to guess,
so, Sass, here is your clue.
Lime? What the hell
kind of clue is lime?
Oh, he can't say it out
loud, that's cheating.
- She can't hear me, Pete.
- Right.
Uh, what's wrong with my clue?
Limes were my favorite garnish.
So, quit whining and start miming.
- Ooh, babe, that was good.
- [ALBERTA LAUGHS]
Is the date still happening, or
Kyle, put 60 seconds on the clock.
Kyle?
Uh Fine. [CLEARS THROAT]
- Go.
- Uh
Screwing in a lightbulb?
Why are you twisting
your hand like that?
This is how you get it out of the tree.
- Nuh-uh, no verbal cues.
- Is it a squirrel?
Who pulls a squirrel off a tree?
Uh, okay. Uh, try this.
- Uh, turning a doorknob?
- No. Uh
Oh. Cleaning a glass?
Wait, w-why'd you stop doing it?
She's not getting it.
Okay, maybe, uh, charades
wasn't the best idea.
It's fine. We got it, Pete.
What's happening now?
Sass is kind of snapping at Pete.
Well, don't tell her that.
Look, this was a lot of fun,
but maybe we just call it a day?
I think we just need
a different clue, okay?
Kyle really wasn't getting that one.
I'm doing it exactly how you're
How is this not juicing a lime?
Oh, and now, he said it out loud.
That's actually a point for us.
And time.
Oh, that was a disaster.
- He said it was a disaster.
- Seriously?
My God, man, show some judgment.
All right, you two, any
final words before we vote?
Just remember who's
responsible for saving
our dear, dear water heater
and its precious gurgles.
[CHUCKLES] Some people are
calling me the Gurgle King.
NANCY: Yeah, they are.
[CHANTING]: Gurgle King!
ALL: Gurgle King! Gurgle King!
WORKMAN: I thought we were
supposed to install this tomorrow.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, but me and Tracy
are doing this daytime date tomorrow.
Our couples therapist thinks
it could be a game changer.
It's a new water heater.
Is it, though? It could
be a water softener.
Or-or one of those Japanese toilets.
Anyway, I believe we were about to vote.
But why would there be a
new water heater if Isaac
got Sam and Jay to agree
to keep the old one?
I think I know what happened.
- You do?
- NANCY: Yep.
Clear as day.
Sam friggin' stabbed Isaac in the back.
You had a deal with her
and she decided to take
a big old ten-dollar dumperoo on it.
That witch. How dare she. [LAUGHS]
Let's go up there and give
all her guests cholera!
- What? [STAMMERS]
- Yes.
Or-or-or
we just let bygones be bygones?
[SCOFFS]
I kid, of course. Let's
do the cholera thing.
NANCY: Yeah! Cholera!
- ALL: Cholera! Cholera!
- Cholera.
Oh, yeah, Mom, no,
things are good. Well
we did have to splurge
on a new water heater,
but hopefully, that is the last
surprise for a little while.
Huh? Bela? Dating anyone?
Um, not that I've seen.
Oh, that's clever. Good one, Steve.
All right, you three
head up to the guest rooms
and cholera anyone with a pulse.
The rest of us will fan
out on the main floor.
What's going on?
Well, uh, funny story,
actually. Samantha betrayed us,
so we're sort of up here
to take revenge by, you
know, giving everyone cholera.
- [CHEERS]
- FLOWER: Wait, because
they're getting a new water heater?
It's not just that.
It's that she deceived us
and broke her promise to Isaac.
Broke her promise to Isaac?
That doesn't sound like
something Sam would do.
And yet here we are.
Now, let's get to cholera-ing everyone
and ruining Sam and Jay's business.
I just feel like with Woodstone
getting on that B and B list,
things are finally
turning around for us.
- Now, let's make them pay.
- Yeah!
Isaac, do something.
Sam and Jay are your friends.
Here we go. Ducks on the pond.
Hope your toilets are working better
than your water heater, Jay.
No, no, no, stop this.
Oh! This is terrible.
Wait! I lied.
Samantha's innocent. [WEAK CHUCKLE]
What are you talking about?
Well, um, she never promised she
would keep the old water heater.
- I just told you that she did.
- But why?
Because I wanted to win the election.
My plan was to secure your votes
and then, well, deal with
the fallout afterward.
- [LAUGHS]
- So you just wanted to trick us?
It's been 250 years. I needed a win.
I mean, this is crazy.
That mouth-breather John
Adams got to become president.
And I can't even become
a nominee to compete
in the general election
for ghost representative.
We almost hurt a bunch
of innocent people
because of your lies.
I just thank God nobody got hurt.
Oh. Uh-oh.
Okay,
that one's not on us.
[GROANS]
My tum-tum.
Hey, guys. I just wanted
to come and apologize
about the date earlier.
Oh, hey, that's okay.
And I'll say what we're all thinking.
Kyle he biffed it.
Like, just copy me. It's so easy, right?
Like, come on. [CHUCKLES]
So stupid. Kyle sucks.
R-Right. Yeah. No, no. It
was-it was all Kyle's fault.
Next time, I say we get Sam.
Sam knows how to juice a lime.
Unlike Kyle.
Next time? There ain't
gonna be a next time.
- Alberta.
- No, uh-uh.
He needs some tough love.
Baby, this wasn't Kyle's fault.
Your girlfriend cannot see you.
Y'all are a night couple.
And if you think it's gonna
be anything more than that,
you're gonna be sorely disappointed.
PETE: Yeah, I don't know
if I would've shouted
it quite so bluntly,
but, um, I do agree.
I mean, Bela's a living woman,
and you died 500 years ago.
- So what are you guys saying?
- ALBERTA: We're saying
Bela's great, and so are you,
but maybe you both
deserve something more.
But Kyle's lime work
Oh, yeah, it definitely
left something to be desired.
Where are you taking us?
You'll see.
Whoa.
What's all this?
It's a funeral for the water heater.
It doesn't make up
for what I did to you,
and I'm not trying to win your vote.
I know that ship's already sailed.
But you all lost something
that's important to you.
And that's worth taking
a moment to acknowledge.
CREEPY DIRK: Wow.
None of us even had
funerals for ourselves,
and we're people.
- Arguable.
- [JAY GROANS]
I-I'm cold, Sam. I'm so cold.
He'll be better in a few hours.
Technically, he walked through me.
Hurt me for a minute. I forgive him.
If Thor may,
Thor have speech prepared.
He was up all night working on this.
My condolences.
Oh, I think that's it.
That was beautiful, Thor.
I don't know if this is the right time,
but my sincerest apologies
for my grandparents
dumping you all in a mass grave.
Oh. That's very thoughtful.
So you got the living butler
to throw a funeral for an appliance?
I suppose I did.
That's more than Dirk's
done in four years.
Not my fault.
It's hard to ask for favors
when the good-smelling lady
refuses to talk to me because
she doesn't like being smelled.
Isaac seems to be really in with her.
I mean, like, she'll
do anything for him.
- Oh, well, I don't think
- It's true.
She bends to my whim.
He got her to write a book about him.
Aw, screw it.
Isaac made a mistake,
but he owned up to it.
And who cares if he's a pompous windbag?
He gets results.
Wait, what's happening?
All in favor of Isaac
being the basement nominee?
- Aye.
- OTHERS: Aye!
Oh, my God. I did it.
I won. W-O-N.
That's not my vote tally.
That's what happened.
[SNIFFS]
Please stop.
Well, we finally made it to Paris.
I watched Amélie and Moulin Rouge
before going to bed to make
sure it worked this time.
[LAUGHS]
- We should talk
- I've been thinking
- Oh, uh
- No. [STAMMERS]
- You first.
- O-Okay. Uh
- Look, I really like you, but I
- But this is insane?
Yeah.
You're amazing and
you deserve to be with someone
that you can interact with
during waking hours.
Well, that's a low bar,
but thank you, Sass.
You're amazing, too.
I think we
both have had a tough time
of it, dating-wise, lately.
- Yeah.
- Maybe it felt good just to
get away from reality,
but I've been sleeping way too much.
I haven't been sleeping
at all. I'm exhausted.
I think I'm abusing melatonin.
[LAUGHS]
Okay, so, um
This is good.
Yeah.
And whoever you end up with,
he's a lucky guy.
You know who's still single? My Eric.
Sorry, that's my ex's mom.
I must be feeling guilty
because she keeps
popping up in my dreams
after I broke up with him.
He'll treat you like a queen.
Do you want to go check out
the Eiffel Tower? As friends?
I'd love that.
Have you seen his 401k?
He contributes regularly.