Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e15 Episode Script

1
Okay, this is a good one.
Would you rather be your current
height or 3 feet tall,
but you can dunk?
Y'all might wanna get outside.
There's a car crash out there.
What?
What is going on?
[HAROLD GRUNTING, STRAINING]
Every bone in my body is broken
and my lungs have popped.
Why, oh, why was I
texting my chopped unc
whilst driving under the influence?
- [MALIKA CRIES]
- Oh, oh, no, no. Oh, snap.
Good morning, Abbott Elementary.
We're here
from the Philadelphia Fire Department.
Friends Against Drug Exposure.
And the Story Samurai.
[ROBINSON] And we're here
to teach you about fire safety.
Rap about the dangers of drugs.
And improvise about texting and driving.
[ROBINSON]
But safety is not a laughing matter.
Or is it?
- It is not.
- 'Cause it's a…
dancing matter.
The hell is going on?
The district combined
all the safety presentations
for the year into one day to save money.
[ROBINSON] Okay, guys, very good.
[HAROLD] Uh-huh.
[ROBINSON]
Moving inside, guys. Come on.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
All right, so, check it.
We're gonna be going
classroom to classroom,
and at the end of the day,
we'll all meet back up here
and recap what we learned about safety.
And now, Abbott, you are no strangers
to having firemen around here.
So nice to see Captain Robinson,
especially when it's not my fault.
I just can't believe he's this awake.
We were up till 4:00 in the morning.
Barb, don't you wanna know
why we were up till
I have my own sleep issues to deal with,
thank you.
I've been taking this new miracle pill
named melatonin,
and while it has been helping me sleep,
it has been giving me
the most vivid dreams
that I cannot make sense of.
I think I'm trying to tell me something.
Principal Coleman will
choose a teacher to expire
in a texting-and-driving accident.
They cannot talk for the rest of
the day, not even to other adults.
There is no other way
to teach you this lesson.
- I feel like there is.
- Yeah.
This feels dark for
an elementary school.
It absolutely is, but unfortunately,
because of budget cuts,
all elementary, middle, and high schools
now get the same presentation.
So, Ms. Coleman,
what teacher do you choose
to stalk these halls,
bumming everyone out?
[CHUCKLES] So, one of y'all
gotta pretend to be Mr. C all day?
[STUDENTS LAUGH]
You know, you can choose another teacher
to make fun of, sometimes.
Well, I hope you're
okay with those being
your last words because you're done.
- I choose Gregory.
- I didn't do anythi
Enough talking! You dead.
Huh?
Because texting "L-M-A-O-O-O"
was more important
than watching the road.
FYI, you also hit a horse.
- Oh, Gregory.
- What? I…
Put this on.
Suddenly, I'm sailing,
and Gerald is a baby
strapped to the mast,
and the rudder won't work.
Boring.
No dream talk
in the teachers' lounge, Barb.
Yeah, this is where dreams go to die.
[SCOFFS] Oh.
Certainly didn't expect this news today.
[BARBARA] Okay, well, hold on now.
Babies mean rebirth.
So, am I at a rebirth?
Is Gerald at a rebirth?
Or do we need a new car?
- Happy birthday to you ♪
- [ALL]Happy birthday to you ♪
It's no one's birthday. I just needed
your attention. Look at this.
Hiya. I'm Tina Schwartz,
running for West Philly's 51st District
Board of School Commissioners
"liason" representative.
W-What's "liason"?
It's liaison. She doesn't even
know the position's name.
Wait a minute, isn't that
that former Abbott teacher
- that kicked a student?
- Exactly.
I'm Tina Schwartz, and I approve
of your approval for this message.
What? She's completely unqualified.
- I mean… [STUTTERS] …can you believe this?
- No, I can't.
How did you find something I care
even less about than Barb's dream?
Barb, Melissa, care to weigh in
on this miscarriage of democracy?
Jacob, I've never even heard
of the board of the…
the board of the commissioners…
[SMACKS LIPS]
Whatever the heck it is.
At 51st District, which is exactly us
and three other schools.
No one cares about this position, hon.
Well, Mr. J, it looks like it's up to us
to, uh, stop this villainess.
- [CHUCKLES]
- No time for our usual shenanigans, Jacob.
Gregory drove his car into a horse,
and I gotta sub.
Janine will know what to do.
Oh. But she's in mourning.
Oh, wait, but that's not real.
[SLIM] That's a great question.
If I had to put it into words,
I'd probably say…
Okay, if you don't get up there
and start your presentation,
- I'm gonna set myself on fire.
- Please don't.
- This school is so flammable.
- [MELISSA SCOFFS]
Plus, it wouldn't reflect very well
on the Philadelphia Fire Department's
newest battalion chief.
Newest what now?
I'm getting a promotion.
I found out this morning.
It won't be official
until the swearing in,
but if you wanted to start calling me
Chief Robinson,
yeah, that would turn me on quite a bit.
So, you're going to be a-a suit?
Well, no, it's a tucked-in shirt,
but on Fridays, I can go Hawaiian.
No more climbing ladders
to pull kitties out of trees or
Hey, cats get themselves
into those messes.
They can get themselves out.
So I thought to celebrate,
I'd get a bottle of champagne
and reactivate my HBO Max account
for the month.
Yeah, no, that sounds great.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
[SLIM] That's what Molly felt like
the first time.
Every time after that though, it's been…
[PANTS]
I better get up there.
Okay. Thank you, Slimothy.
Yeah, for that, thank you.
It's-It's good to know we finally won
the war on drugs.
Okay. Everybody,
take out your homework.
We're gonna go over the stuff
Uh-uh. Why are you talking?
You killed a horse.
All right, class,
now that Mr. Eddie is Mr. Deadie,
Mr. Johnson will be taking over.
- Ava, I think that's
- Uh-uh!
- Mr. Eddie is breaking the rules.
- [STUDENTS GASP]
Now, I hate to speak
ill of the deceased,
but everything that jabroni was
teaching you is trash.
All right, class, you're in good hands.
- Janine.
- [JANINE] Yeah.
- Did you see that campaign video I sent?
- Yes, got my vote.
- What? Did you even click the link?
- No.
Well, that maniac Tina Schwartz is
running for district liaison. Look.
Look at her Facebook post about it.
Oh, my God,
she is still updating her status.
- What a sicko.
- Yeah, but look at her platform.
[STAMMERS] She thinks we don't need
a consensus clause.
What the hell… [SIGHS]
…is that? I think I know?
Well, look, it says she's hosting
a town hall over lunch.
- Maybe you could go.
- Oh, my God, yes.
All I have to do is inform the
electorate of her incompetence,
and her campaign will sink itself.
- [JANINE] Mmm.
- Whoo! Okay…
- I feel better already.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm.
Democracy has never been more alive.
[STUDENTS] Thank you, Captain Robinson.
Thanks, guys. [CHUCKLES]
- Okay.
- Yes?
Okay, quick follow-up.
What does it mean, in a dream,
if you are on fire, but cold?
- Sorry, Barb, you're on your own.
- [SIGHS]
Hey, there, honey bear.
Hey, I gotta go to
the next presentation,
but, uh, how about I grill us up some
steaks to go with our bubbly time?
Oh. Are you sure you're still allowed
that close to an open flame?
Well, I can tell you this much.
Captain Robinson grilled flank steaks.
Chief Robinson grills rib eyes.
- [MELISSA] Mmm.
- [BARBARA] Ooh.
What time should Gerald and I join you?
Okay. Just kidding.
- Barb, I'd invite you. Let me know.
- [BARB LAUGHS]
[GASPS] Melissa, that man is a treasure.
He's got star power, safety know-how,
and he is absolutely smitten with you.
Yeah.
I'm gonna dump him.
Okay, you're gonna dump who, exactly?
'Cause I know it's not that fine fireman
who is in love with you.
Barb, he got that promotion.
He's basically gonna
be a fire accountant.
Melissa, you can't really be upset
at the man for getting a promotion.
No, I'm happy for him,
but what's he gonna do?
He's gonna sit at a desk,
do a bunch of paperwork, teach people?
The hell kind of life is that?
Okay, before you extinguish that fire,
you better make sure
it's dying down the way you think.
Come on, talk to the man.
You two have been together a long time.
- Yeah, you're right. I owe him that.
- Yes.
- That's good advice. Thanks, Barb.
- You're welcome.
A coyote gave it to me
in a dream. Mm-hmm.
All right, class…
[LAUGHING] Whoa.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, Jacob Hill from Abbott.
- Oh, wow. Gosh.
- [JACOB] Uh
Ah, it's good to see you. Have a
cookie. Heck, take a
couple. [CHUCKLES]
I took them from our break room.
They're from Monday. [CHUCKLES]
- It's Friday.
- It is.
Uh, where is everybody?
Why aren't issues being discussed
and/or debated?
Um, since I'm running unopposed,
this is technically a formality.
Or… No.
Formally a technicality.
Well, if you don't mind, I have
a few questions about your platform.
Platform?
Making me sound like an influencer.
Yes. Okay.
[SIGHS] What are your
election questions, my sir?
What is your stance
on the consensus clause?
The Tim Allen movie?
I'm not really into body horror.
What do you think about the current
student-to-crossing-guard ratio?
That's a trick question.
I don't see ratio.
Okay. And, um… Yeah, just one more.
Uh, do you even know
what the 51st District Board
of School Commissioners
liaison representative even does?
And how are you pronouncing that?
Why are you even
running for this? Seems
like you don't care about it at all.
All my friends have kids now,
so I need something to fill my time.
This was fun, you little grill master.
If no one else in the audience
has any questions, though…
Okay, then I think
it's a pretty good time to call it.
Lots to think about. [CHUCKLES]
It was great to see you.
Vote for me. [LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
I'm not gonna lie to you,
none of your names have great SEO.
[HAROLD] Knock, knock.
Howdy, y'all. [SIGHS]
So, I know this class has
been through a lot today,
so are we ready to talk
about how improv can solve everything?
[STUDENTS GROAN]
Hey. Gregory, I need to talk to you.
It's very important.
Okay, settle a debate
me and the second graders are having.
Would you rather be
a normal human being,
or you have superpowers, but you
always have to go to the bathroom?
- The kids are saying
- [AVA] Random reminder, Abbott.
Speaking to Mr. Eddie is
strictly off-limits today
because of the bad choices he made.
Thank you.
I thought she said
she took the cameras out of here.
- She's right. Stop talking to him.
- Sorry.
- [HAROLD] Unless the…
- [GREGORY SIGHS]
Mr. Eddie,
what happens when people die for real?
[HAROLD] …word of the day is safety.
Powerful word, safety.
Not as powerful as "yes" or "and," but…
- …way more powerful than "no and "but."
- Okay.
Yeah, I'm actually not mad at this.
I don't have to answer
any wild questions from the kids.
I mean, where was Safety Day
when Mira asked me what a BBL was?
Gregory.
I went to Tina Schwartz's town hall.
She wasn't prepared
for a single question.
Tell me, when you picture the 51st
District Board of School Commissioners
liaison representative,
do you picture her?
Right, you can't talk.
But you can listen.
If someone would just run against her,
they would win, easy. [SCOFFS]
My God, of course.
Why can't I be the one who…
asks Janine to run. [CHUCKLES]
Great idea, Gregory.
Hey, while I've got you, settle in.
Elijah and I got into another fight
about ethical shrimping.
[SNIFFS, CHEWS]
This is actually so bad.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
Hey, there's my little firecracker.
Feels like I've barely seen you all day.
You hiding from me?
I was just thinking, this promotion,
that's, like, something you want?
That's a done deal or…
- Do you not want me to be promoted?
- No, I'm just…
You got such a good thing going now.
Like, you really…
You're helping people and you ride
around the greatest city in the world
on top of 50,000 pounds
of shiny red metal,
- swinging ax, hauling hose.
- All right.
Careful. There's kids here.
[CHUCKLES] I'm just saying,
why would you wanna give that up?
- For what? For signing paychecks?
- [STUDENTS SHUSH]
That is a very small part of the job.
I'm gonna be assisting and organizing
the city's emergency response teams.
Are you listening to yourself?
You wanna be an assistant organizer?
Why would you want that?
- The danger would be gone.
- Yeah, exactly.
Would you prefer I
kept a more dangerous,
lower-paying job with worse hours?
- Of course.
- Y'all, this is a library.
I shouldn't have to tell this
to a teacher and a fireman.
I really thought
you'd be happy about this.
- I'm not sure what the problem is.
- [MELISSA SIGHS]
The problem is that I didn't sign up
to be with a…
desk jockey.
Come on, my class, let's go.
[PHONE RINGS]
- Hey, Ava. How's your day?
- Fine.
Well, that's a relief
because I'm having
such a hard time
not talking to Gregory.
We normally check in with each other
throughout the day,
but now, I have no idea
if he enjoyed his lunch or not.
Hmm. I also asked him
a really hard "would you rather."
I have no idea which he'd rather.
It really goes to show you, you know,
one day you're driving,
and the next day you hit a horse.
Hold that thought.
Tragic news, Abbott Elementary.
Another Safety Day accident.
Ms. Teagues was texting and driving,
and her car caught on fire
while on the way to improv,
and now, she's gone.
No, kids, I'm here and I'm alive.
She was also doing drugs.
Those were her last words.
Hey!
[SIGHS]
How'd the talk go with Captain Robinson?
I don't think he gets why
I don't want him to take the promotion.
Honestly, neither do I.
Captain Robinson getting this promotion
doesn't seem
like it would change your life at all.
Maybe not directly, but, Barb,
what if he wants me to slow down?
'Cause that ain't happening, Barb.
I've lived a life of craziness,
and that crazy ain't stopping
anytime soon.
And what about your lifestyle is
gonna change
because of this man's promotion?
He's not gonna smell
like burning buildings anymore.
- Should I get him to start smoking?
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- Melissa.
- No.
It seems to me that
you are more concerned
about your own
future than you are his.
- Maybe.
- Mm-hmm.
And now that I've helped you,
it's your turn to help me.
Why would I be dreaming
of a volcano filled with milk?
- Barb, that's a sex dream.
- [GASPS]
But…
Gang, gang,
chat's low-key going off right now.
Smile, homes. It's selfie time.
[SLIM] And freeze.
Okay, now using what we learned today,
who spotted how my bro Harold messed up?
- Anyone?
- Janine.
[SLIM] Come on, y'all.
Just the champion
the 51st District's been waiting for.
Gregory and I had
an amazing convo earlier,
and we think that you should challenge
Ms. Schwartz for office.
Why not?
Look, I know
you're not the hero we deserve,
but you are the hero we need.
[SLIM] Dang, and it's been bugging me
all day too.
- Okay
- [HAROLD TUTS]
No talking!
Now, you were saying fire is bad,
even though something that is fire
is really good?
Say more.
I don't know how I would.
[JACOB] Ava.
- Please revive my friends.
- No.
They made the choice to text and drive.
They were probably texting you.
Okay, you joke, but now I'm gonna
have to process
that hypothetical guilt.
As 51st District members,
what are we gonna do?
I mean, can you imagine the damage
that could happen
if we let an unqualified lunatic
into a position of power?
Well, it's working out okay
for this school.
- Other places, not so much.
- Somebody's got to challenge her.
Why don't you do it?
Wait, are you mocking me,
or do you really think I could do it?
- Do what?
- Uh-huh.
You test my resolve,
but maybe it could be me.
I mean, I do prefer grassroots
localized elections over state,
and hell, I'll say it,
even federal politics.
Okay, I'm gonna do it.
I have a campaign video to record.
Fellow teachers of the 51st District,
my name is Jacob Hill,
and I am asking for your vote
for District Board of School
Commissioners liaison representative.
[EXCLAIMS, CHUCKLES]
If little Jacob could see me now,
he would be thrilled.
And then, he'd be like,
"We're gay? Do we have a boyfriend?
Is he hot? Tell me everything."
And I'd be like, "Oh, my God, he's hot.
You have no idea how hot he is." And
[SLIM] So that's a
long way of saying no.
Texting while doing drugs
isn't technically illegal
Well, the drugs part absolutely is.
- [ROBINSON] And I know this isn't…
- Where have you been, Janine?
I have been looking for somebody,
anybody, to help me with my dreams.
Okay, so now, what does it mean if
your teeth are falling
out of my mouth?
- Well, first of all, Barb
- [HAROLD TUTS]
Lady, please,
I'm-I'm trying to do something here!
Why don't you go sit with the other
irresponsible teacher in the back?
[WHISPERING] Analyzing dreams with Barb…
that is my dream.
Safety Day is a nightmare!!!
[SLIM] Life is random as hell.
I have a friend who died
when a helicopter landed on his head.
[ROBINSON] Is it possible
you maybe hallucinated this situation
while under the influence of drugs?
[SLIM] No, I know what I saw.
Yo. Captain.
Hey, come on.
Hey, hey, hey, slow down, slow down.
- Who me?
- Yeah.
I thought me slowing down was
creeping you out, Melissa.
Listen, I'm sorry I was weird
about the promotion, okay?
It's just… you and me, we're fun.
I never know
what we're gonna get up to next.
That's what I love about us.
You know, I just…
I don't want that to change.
[SIGHS] My crazy ass ain't changing.
It's just gonna be in a better chair,
making more money…
that I was thinking
about blowing on a Harley.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
- What do you think this is for?
- Oh, yeah. Okay, hell yeah.
- I look great taking my helmet off.
- You look great doing everything.
Congratulations on your promotion.
I'm really proud of you.
And I should have led with that.
Chief.
[SIGHS] You're nuts, you know that?
- Yeah, now you're getting it.
- [ROBINSON CHUCKLES]
Eventually, I am
flying over what seems
to be the Divine Lorraine building,
but different, and then I wake up.
- You said flying?
- Yes.
Yeah, that sounds
like a little more than melatonin.
Yeah, but I thought
that with your studies in hallucinations
that you might be able
to help me understand what it means.
I actually gotta go.
- Yeah, but
- I got somewhere to be at 4:20, so…
Ms. Howard, you were flying?
Yes, in a dream, which is something
that nobody wants to hear about.
- We wanna hear about it.
- Really?
Okay, let me set the scene.
So, I am free-falling,
and have been for 20, 30 minutes,
and I don't know what it means.
Maybe you're worried
you're gonna fall off the bed.
[BARBARA] Wow.
Can I run another one by you?
[JACOB] Circles and X's?
They're probably gonna know…
Oh, no.
Schwartz? I thought
you were under a conservatorship.
Not anymore.
I came down
because I saw that campaign video
that you posted on the district website,
and I just wanted to tell you
that you screwed up,
because it says that you're running
for that thing that I'm running for.
Well, the only thing screwed up is
your election chances.
I am running against you
for 51st District Board of School
Commissioners liaison representative.
Ew. Who told you to do that?
- Good for you, Jacob.
- [YELLING]
Hey, why?
Because you are completely unqualified
for the position.
Who cares?
Me. And… [SCOFFS]
I cannot, in good conscience, let
you take that seat
without a fair fight.
Well, then, good luck, chump.
Because I always get into fights
at the fair.
That's…
Oof.
She looks great. [CHUCKLES]
Getting out of this school was the
best thing that ever happened to her.
Jacob, I'm very proud of you.
Even though, sweetheart,
I have no idea what that position is.
Where have you been all day?
He's running for Mayor of Area 51.
He's probably
gonna be assassinated for it.
- [BARBARA GASPS]
- [JACOB] Okay.
[BARBARA] Mmm.
[IMITATES GUN]
All right, done for the day.
I can get those pinnies back
and you can talk now.
Not that you ever stopped.
Actually, I think
we're okay being silent. Just
Whoo! Damn. Okay. I've been waiting to
answer that "would
you rather" all day.
If I had to go to the bathroom
all the time, but I was a superhero.
One, how badly do I need to go?
Two, is it number one or number two?
Uh… Hmm.
Also, you've been wearing
mismatched socks.
Oh, no, those were on
purpose. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, my goodness,
these are the wrong socks.
- You still here?
- I just need to get the other
Shh!
- Wow.
- Okay, number one,
- but with the threat of two.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] I've been there.
sync & corrections awaqeded