Ghosts (2021) s05e15 Episode Script

1
ISAAC: It is sad, but you've
picked a wonderful place to die.
This is the library.
There are many fine works
of literature to peruse,
but of course we are limited
to whatever the Livings are perusing
because of our inability
to interact with the physical world.
[GASPS]
Yeah, this being a ghost thing is wild.
Oh, and that big Viking guy
was telling me something
about ghost powers.
Do you have one of those?
[SMACKS LIPS]
No.
[GASPS] There she is.
NIGEL: So it's true.
Um, hello.
I'm Nigel, and this is Creepy Dirk.
We live in the basement.
We're kind of the social
elite of the house.
So, are you dating anyone yet?
I died two days ago.
There's always a bit of a feeding frenzy
when a new ghost arrives.
Welcome. I'm Baxter, of the
Revolutionary shed ghosts.
I hear you're a musician.
Which is something we have in common.
- I play the fife.
- Oh, that's nice. [CHUCKLES]
ISAAC [CHUCKLING]: Okay, well,
now the competition's grown too intense.
So it would be pointless for
me to throw my hat into the ring
at this late date. [LAUGHS]
Darn! Darn!
[CHUCKLES] Anyway, may the best man win.
Isn't he
- Oh, yeah.
- Big-time.
Very much so.
♪
Jay, we're helping Trevor brainstorm
some gift ideas for his boss.
If you were turning
50, what would you want?
Batman action figure,
specifically the 1966
Marx Bendable Batman.
Did it shrivel your desire for him,
how quickly he came up with that?
Okay, you don't ask nerd boy
for help picking out a gift
for a finance baller like Brett.
I need to get this right.
The pressure is on.
This is for my boss!
Gifts are tricky, particularly
for your superiors.
One time, a butler
gifted me a silk scarf,
and it actually earned him a pay cut.
He should not be able
to afford a silk scarf.
Exactly. You don't want
to come on too strong,
or you'll be perceived as a kiss-ass.
But you can't go too cheap,
like when Sam got Jay's
mom that beer cozy.
- [BOTH GROAN]
- [SAMANTHA SCOFFS]
That was supposed to be ironic.
Because she drinks tea.
Oh, so the joke is that it's
useless to her. Good one.
Ooh! What about a jaguar?
I think a car is coming on too strong.
What? No, I'm talking about the animal.
Once trained, jaguars
make excellent pets.
Though not for the postal carrier.
Your jaguar attacked your mailman?
Okay, that's got to be Hetty.
Let me guess: They're
also delicious to eat.
A little gamy, actually, for my taste.
But their skulls make
handsome cocaine bowls.
Maybe one of those.
It's not too expensive,
and-and it's thoughtful,
given what you've said about
your boss's predilections.
Yeah, sure. Sam, can
you run over to Target,
see if they have any jaguar
skull cocaine bowls left in stock?
See? This discussion
was fruitful after all.
What you doing?
I'm waiting for Pete to get back.
He went to Jamaica to see if
any of my relatives are ghosts.
Pete also cross ocean for
Thor, but much further.
Greater risk he disappear.
- What's your point?
- Just that Thor special, too.
[SIGHS]: Okay.
Howdy!
Uhp, pardon me, I'm a little
shorthanded. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]: Oh, Pete, you're back!
THORFINN: Glad you back from Jamaica,
- which is much closer than Norway.
- [LAUGHS]
So, tell me everything.
How was your trip? Did you
locate any of my family?
As a matter of fact, I did.
Your grandmother, Hortense, is a ghost.
- Oh, my God. You talked to her?
- Yep.
She is a peach of a lady.
And she has a message for you.
Do you want me to do her accent?
- No.
- Copy that.
Well, she was thrilled to
learn that you're a singer.
She still remembers
you as a three-year-old
belting out spirituals
on a summer Sunday.
Alberta, she was just
beaming with pride about you.
I'm touched that you
would do this for me.
- Honestly, I'm getting a little choked up.
- Aw, yeah.
Donna thought you might react that way.
I'm sorry, what? You saw Donna?
Your ex-girlfriend Donna?
Yeah, yeah. I was in the neighborhood,
so I thought, "Why not?"
Yeah. Why not? [CHUCKLES]
Because they used to have intercourse.
- Could be awkward.
- Oh, come on.
We're just friends.
It's not awkward at all.
If you say so.
Uh, Sam? We got to talk.
Oh. Trevor just came
in looking concerned.
Well, I settled on a birthday
gift for my boss Brett,
and it did not go over how I'd hoped.
- What'd you get him?
- It's called a stripper-gram.
SAMANTHA: Oh, my God.
Trevor got Brett a
stripper-gram for his birthday.
The Brettinator? I bet
he loved that, right?
He did. It's just,
Human Resources did not.
Okay, I'm taking from context
clues that a stripper-gram
is like a telegram,
but the message is delivered
by some sort of harlot.
She was dressed as an HVAC repairwoman.
The bit being that she felt
it was so hot in Brett's office
that she could not
perform her duties clothed.
Forget the stripping,
I'm hooked on the plot.
Apparently, stupid Linda
from accounting happened by,
reported the whole thing.
Didn't even let Candi
get to the big finish.
So what does this mean? Are you fired?
Not exactly, but it's bad.
HR wants to see me tomorrow, in person.
But you can't go in person.
And even if you could,
they could not see you.
HR wants to see Trevor
tomorrow, in New York, in person.
Okay.
This is simple.
Young Jay must simply redon
his persona of Michael Jackson,
which he did so successfully at
the work retreat at Woodstone,
and head into the
city in Trevor's stead.
The ghosts are saying
I know what they're saying, Sam.
They want me to get chewed
out by HR on Trevor's behalf.
Well, guess what.
I'm not doing it!
Uh, Jay
No, don't "Jay" me, okay?
It's a nonstarter.
What do I care if a
ghost lost their job?
Frankly, I think it's weird
that a ghost has a job at all,
and I don't think that's
a controversial opinion!
Are you gonna tell him or should I, Sam?
The thing is, we're sort
of how do I put this?
uh, dependent on Trevor's salary
- to stay financially solvent.
- [GASPS]
Excuse me?
It's just, we've encountered
so many unexpected expenses,
and I tried to make the numbers work,
but the math wasn't mathing, Jay.
So No Pants has been keeping us afloat?
Ironic for a guy who was fished
out of the bottom of a lake.
SAMANTHA: I wanted to tell you,
but I also didn't
want to stress you out.
You've been working so hard,
trying to get the
restaurant up and running.
But what about the list?
We-we got on the list.
And it's helping some.
We're getting busier,
and that's great momentum
that we need to build on.
But we're not profitable yet.
What about your book? You
were a stocking stuffer.
And again, that's great, but
it's not exactly a windfall.
I mean, most authors
also have a day job.
Candi's an author.
It's absolute smut but well told.
So, wh-what are you saying, Sam?
I'm saying we won't need
Trevor's money, eventually.
But if we want to make it to summer,
we got to save Trevor's job.
Looks like Michael
Jackson is going to HR.
Let me ask you guys something.
Do you think it's okay for
someone to make a special trip
to see their ex when
they're dating someone else?
It wasn't a special trip.
I was in the neighborhood.
Is Saint Lucia in the
neighborhood, though? [CHUCKLES]
I'm not a geography expert,
but I feel like you have
to go out of your way.
Well, you know, the Caribbean
isn't that big of a place.
Caribbean Islands span over
thousand miles east to west.
You know that because
of your Viking voyages?
No.
Captain Sandy sailed
ship out of Antigua,
season eight, Below Deck.
Reality TV is a fount of wisdom.
It doesn't get enough credit.
Donna and I are just friends.
It's still weird. She might be into you.
But I'm not into her,
so it doesn't matter.
Okay, well, that British
shed ghost Baxter and I
had a thing back in '29.
Would it bother you if he
and I started hanging out?
As friends, of course.
I was there when they met.
It was love at first fife.
[CHUCKLES] Actually, "love"
is a bit of an overstatement.
I needed it for the turn of phrase.
You know what?
I-I think if you wanted to
catch up with your ex Baxter,
I would be fine with it.
Okay.
"Okay," like we're good
and that's the end of it?
Yep.
Thor not think that the end of it.
Okay, Trevor is gonna
give you a crash course
in everything you need to
know about your character:
Michael Jackson, financial analyst.
What the hell is my life?
Born on the outskirts
of the Motor City
I don't think we have time
to go through the
entire backstory, Trevor.
Yeah, maybe just give me the must-knows.
TREVOR: Okay. [SIGHS]
First of all, there's a major flirtation
with my coworker Maggie,
who you know from the
work retreat we had here.
So, there's a flirtatious
thing going on with Maggie.
But he says to keep it respectful.
No, I didn't.
Trust me, Maggie does
not appreciate respectful.
Wait, time-out, Sam.
Why do I need to know any of this?
I'm just going to ask HR
to forgive Michael Jackson
for sending his boss a stripper-gram.
Okay, but you're going
into the lion's den, baby.
You have no idea who you're gonna meet,
and you need to be prepared.
Also, can you find out what happened
with Candi and the HVAC?
I am dying to know.
He says that you just need to be ready,
in case you run into anybody.
Okay. Continue.
So, if he runs into anybody on my team,
this is definitely gonna come up.
Okay.
Michael Jackson is
currently closing a deal
for the McDaniels
Corporation, who makes soap,
to acquire the McCallister
Corporation, who makes sponges.
Now, McDaniels is offering 30 million,
but McCallister wants 40,
but Trevor thinks you'll close at 35
and then celebrate at
Peter Luger's with the CEOs,
Conan McDaniels and Galen McCallister.
Sam, I'm not gonna remember any of that.
Also, I told them I could moonwalk,
so make sure Jay is prepared for that.
- Seriously?
- What?
How are your moonwalking skills?
Not good, Sam.
Not good!
ALBERTA: Well, it is really good
to catch up with you, Baxter.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, guys. What's, uh, going on in here?
Oh, just hanging out with a friend,
doing a little catching up. [CHUCKLES]
- You okay with that?
- Of course.
Yeah, two friends catching up.
What could be more wholesome
or totally okay than that?
It's just, we have so much
in common, Alberta and I.
For instance, the whole music thing.
Right.
You know, I played a
mean oboe in my day.
That's nice, although I
died with my instrument,
- so it's sort of a different kettle of fish.
- Mm.
Well, good for you.
Ha! You remind me of
my flatmate Jenkins.
He's always saying that.
"Goody for you."
[LAUGHING]: Oh, my God!
You do the best Jenkins impression.
How was that an impression?
They're both just British.
He barely changed his voice.
This is an impression:
[IMITATING RICHARD NIXON]:
"I am not a crook."
Oh. Is that Trevor?
[NORMAL VOICE]: No, it's Nixon.
Here's one for you:
"How 'bout we all pop out to the shed?"
- [LAUGHS] Nigel! Classic!
- Ha!
- In one. Well done.
- [LAUGHING]
It's not Th-they all sound the same!
Are you all right, Peter?
[MOCKING BRITISH ACCENT]:
No! I'm not all right.
[NORMAL VOICE]: This is my girl,
and if she's gonna be laughing
at any impressions,
they're gonna be mine!
Oh, my. I'm deeply sorry.
You know what?
Go fife yourself!
BRETT: I'm sorry that you had to do
this whole, uh, "come
in and talk to HR" thing.
I mean, honestly, I thought
the stripper-gram rocked.
Oh, well, that's very
kind of you, Brettinator.
No, seriously,
no one has the balls to
send a real present anymore.
BRETT: Hey, so how about McCallister
- with that counter?
- Oh, yeah.
Be honest, what do you think
about that termination fee?
Oh, it was brutal.
Or good, depending on if you
are McCallister or McDaniels,
vis-à-vis the counter.
Hey, you-you guys want
to see me moonwalk?
Uh hell yeah, we do!
Okay.
- [LAUGHS]
- Thought you'd never ask.
- [GRUNTS SHARPLY]
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
- Oh!
- You're the smooth criminal, MJ.
- [SCATTING]
Ow! are you doing?
I am Michael Jackson.
Anthony Valerie from HR.
Okay, so we'll just
leave you guys to it.
Good luck, MJ.
Thank you for coming in, Mr. Jackson.
Oh, no, no, it's no problem.
And I just want to say right off the bat
that I know that the
stripper-gram was in poor taste,
and it'll never happen again.
Here's the thing.
Once we started interviewing
people about the incident,
other complaints emerged
regarding your time here.
Take a seat, Mr. Jackson.
We have a lot to talk about.
October 4th, while referencing
a new Slack headshot
of a female coworker, you commented,
"Giggity, giggity, giggity."
Which a quick Google
search reveals to be
the horny catchphrase of
a popular animated pervert.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, I was unaware
of that phrase's origins,
and I deeply apologize for that.
October 10th.
You asked your entire team
to, quote, "send nudes."
You know, I think I-I meant
to type, um, "send news."
[CHUCKLES] You know,
I'm a huge news buff,
but I'm also so busy that I
don't have time to locate it.
It's a difficult combination.
Look, I get it boys will be boys,
and this is the finance industry,
but it's not the '90s.
People don't act this way anymore.
You're right.
I joined this industry at a
time when things were different,
and-and I've had trouble adjusting,
but I am committed to
correcting my behavior.
My mother raised a better man than this.
I hear that.
We're all just out here trying
to make our moms proud, right?
Right? My mom always says,
"You can't make a perfect khichdi.
You just have to keep tasting
it and trying to make it better."
And that is how I treat my life.
Yeah. That's really good.
And kind of familiar. Where
have I heard that before?
I-I just came up with it.
No, it's a pretty specific anecdote,
and I remember hearing it.
Uh, wait.
Have you ever listened to The Todd Pod?
I'm not sure.
Huh, this chef said the exact
thing that you just said.
Yep, here it is. Chef Jay Arondekar.
Wait a second.
This is clearly you.
No, not clearly.
What the hell is going
on, Mr. Arondekar?
Um you want to see me moonwalk?
Well, I got fired. Or Trevor got fired.
Michael Jackson got fired? I don't know.
- We're fired.
- Seriously? What happened?
You couldn't get Trevor off the hook?
No, I managed that all pretty well.
It wasn't easy.
This guy's got a lot
of complaints about him.
ISAAC: Given the speed
at which you type,
it's actually impressive
how prolifically
problematic you manage to be.
But then the HR guy recognized me
from our appearance on The Todd Pod.
Creepy Todd strikes again.
He was willing to overlook
some light sexual harassment,
but he drew the line at identity fraud.
So that's it. I'm fired.
Security carried me out mid-moonwalk.
It was humiliating.
Well, this day has taken a turn.
Michael Jackson's good name
dragged through the mud.
I'm sorry, Jay.
I shouldn't have put
you in that situation.
JAY: It's not just that.
You lied to me.
There shouldn't be
financial consequences for us
if a ghost loses their job.
Why didn't you just tell
me what was going on?
I was just trying to protect you.
I didn't want you to worry.
I don't need protecting.
He's right, Sam.
You don't hide secrets
like that from your spouse.
Didn't you keep kind of
a whopper from Beatrice?
The truth is, I wasn't
just protecting you.
I I was also protecting myself.
Oh, what does that even mean, Sam?
I was embarrassed, okay?
You've made so much
progress on the restaurant,
and it's only been a year.
Meanwhile, on my side of things,
we're five years in, and the
B and B is still struggling.
Yeah, you're mad at me.
Well, I get it. That makes two of us.
- So
- So?
I think it's possible
that you were right.
A little louder.
You were right.
It bugged me.
Even though I know you're not
gonna do anything with Baxter.
You aren't, are you?
No.
[SIGHS]: Okay, good.
Look, neither of us did
anything technically wrong
spending time with Donna or Baxter,
but when you're in a
relationship, you have to
consider how it's gonna
make the other person feel.
I-I get that now. I do.
And don't worry, I won't
go to Saint Lucia again.
Thank you, Pete.
Or Stockholm.
Or Banff. Or Denver.
- Pete.
- Sorry.
I went on a bit of a tear when
I first discovered I could roam.
This was way before we were together.
It's just kind of like, everywhere I go,
I'm the new ghost, and
you know how that is.
- Oh, my God.
- But here's the thing.
Yes, I can go anywhere in the world,
but there's nowhere I'd rather
be than right here with you.
Oh, Pete.
Hey, y-you didn't really think
any of Baxter's impressions
were good, did you?
Let it go.
It just gets me steamed.
I mean, it's an art form!
You got to respect it!
Sam, I just want to apologize.
I know I put you in a really tough spot.
I just wish that there was
something that I could do.
Don't worry about it. You
were just trying to help.
I shouldn't be in a position
where I needed your help.
It's my fault I can't
run my own business.
Look, Samantha, I
know you're struggling,
but you're gonna figure this out.
We believe in you.
TREVOR: And when you do,
I think you're gonna
look back at this time
with a lot of fondness.
What do you mean?
This time, right now,
while you're grinding it out
and-and living in that uncertainty,
I know it doesn't feel like
it, but that's the good stuff.
SASAPPIS: He's right.
Having a goal, having a purpose,
like, that's such a big part of life.
And I miss that.
Also eating. [SIGHS] That was good.
Many times, so-called
"overnight success"
only come after years of failure.
That's true. He's right, Sam.
This actually embarrassing
for Thor to admit,
but early in Thor's career,
I struggle to even kill just one Dane.
But then Thor turn 13,
and blood run like river.
I guess tangentially
that's what we're saying.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, hey, babe.
I was thinking about
what you said before,
and I just want you to know
that there is no your thing or my thing.
It's all our thing.
He is a keeper.
These kind words will
surely reap kind acts.
Sex, I mean.
JAY: There are no sides.
We win as a team, and we lose as a team.
Besides, there wouldn't be
a restaurant without you.
It was your idea.
I guess it was, huh?
I mean, it was right there.
It wasn't like she invented calculus.
And we're making real
strides with the B and B.
We got on that prestigious
list of small hotels.
Thanks to the fact the list
guy was a huge cocaine fiend.
And now our bookings are up.
I mean, we're about to turn
a corner, I can feel it.
You know, some of the ghosts were saying
we're actually gonna
look back on this time,
on-on the struggle,
and we're gonna miss it.
Sometimes they can be pretty wise.
I recall one evening,
our wine steward dropped dead
right before a dinner party,
so I was forced to wield
the corkscrew myself.
In many ways, it was the
sweetest wine I've ever tasted.
Some of them struggled more than others.
Am I crazy or is it, whenever
you're worried about money,
that suddenly a bunch of bills show up?
No, we can keep complaining
or we can tighten our belts
and do something about it.
Look, you guys are resourceful.
You'll find a way to
hustle up some extra income.
Pete's right. Your feet are one
pumice stone away from being Web-ready.
Okay, I meant like a
bake sale. My God, Trevor.
Okay, I appreciate everyone's
ideas, but we will handle this.
We're gonna be fine.
JAY: Babe, this is a
letter from the IRS.
Apparently, I'm being
investigated for tax evasion
because Michael Jackson hasn't
paid any taxes for two years!
What? Trevor, you didn't pay your taxes?
I'm a ghost! I don't use
any government services.
Also, Isaac told me I didn't have to.
He said it was taxation
without representation.
Yes, Sam, please tell
Jay that his nonpayment
stands on firm philosophical grounds.
We are so screwed!
Uh, where exactly is Trevor in the room?
He's on the couch, on my other side.
Good. I want to make sure I
address this directly to him.
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
Trevor, I forgive you.
Ah.
Right after I do this.
[SCREAMING]