Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e16 Episode Script

1
- [BABY WAILING]
- [BARBARA] Attention, everyone,
let me introduce you
- to the most perfect grandbaby ever…
- [BABY CRYING]
- [CHUCKLING] …Zara Howard.
- [ALL] Aw!
Oh! Oh, they decided
to give the baby your last name.
- Well, not legally, sweetheart.
- [CRYING CONTINUES]
All right, let me see
the little meatball. [GASPS] Hello.
- [CRYING STOPS]
- [GASPS] Yeah.
You know, something about my physique
- just makes babies love me.
- [JANINE] Oh.
[IN CHILDLIKE VOICE] I don't know
why. You are just
the cutest. [GIGGLES]
- [ZARA CRYING]
- Oh.
Can I hold the baby, Barbara?
- Sure. Sure.
- [JANINE] Okay.
- She is a little fussy though. Yeah.
- I know. I hear.
- Hey, sweetie Aw!
- [CRYING STOPS]
- Oh! Well, you're not fussy with us. Hey.
- Yeah.
That's because Zara and Janine
wear the same shirt size. [CHUCKLES]
Now give me that baby.
- No. Oop… Oh, okay.
- [TEACHERS MUTTER, COO]
- I've always wanted to hold one of these.
- Hmm.
[SIGHS]
- All right, now I'm bored. Think fast.
- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- Okay.
- [ZARA BAWLING]
What in the world?
Okay.
Well, try Jacob.
The baby is bound to cry with him.
Oh, no, thank you. I'm… I'd rather…
- Jacob, take the baby.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- [BAWLING STOPS]
Hi, wittle sweetie. Aw.
[SCOFFS] Well… [SNIFFS]
…at least she's settled down now.
- [TEACHERS] Yeah.
- Yeah, give her back.
- Thank you.
- [SOFTLY] There you go.
[ZARA CRYING]
And now you've done it, Jacob.
Ooh, you've done it!
- [CRYING CONTINUES]
- [ALL STAMMER]
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
- Mmm.
- [LAUGHING]
My man. Okay.
- Whew! Look who's in a good mood.
- Yeah.
Every one of my kids aced
their spelling test.
- Hmm.
- You know, they're really in a flow state.
It… It took a while to get here,
but they're locked in.
Yeah. Always takes, like, half a year,
but then when you get 'em there,
oh, that feels good.
Right? And you still get them
after the first grade.
When I get them,
they're essentially starting from zero.
I beg your pardon?
Your students are
not starting from zero.
Oh. Yeah, well, n-no.
That's not what I meant.
Obviously,
you're an amazing teacher, Barb.
- This I know. Uh-huh.
- Damn straight.
It's just that, you know,
as far as them being "students"…
Oh, boy.
[STUTTERS] …I'm essentially
starting from scratch.
Exactly what is it you think I do all
day with my kindergartners? Babysit?
Uh…
No, um…
I'm not explaining myself well.
- [BARB SCOFFS]
- You think?
- You do a lot.
- Uh-huh.
But the expectations
of a first grader
Well, I tried to help you, man.
It was nice knowing you.
- I'ma just shut up.
- Good idea.
But what I'm saying is
- Really? Really?
- Gregory.
Okay, okay, okay.
Running late, I see.
Yeah, well, that is because
I'm being smeared by Ms. Schwartz
in the campaign for
51st District's school
commissioner's liaison representative.
Schmeared, huh? That makes me
want a bagel. Go get me one.
She's on Facebook telling folks
that I don't have any people
of color in my life. [SCOFFS]
Her only proof was a black-and-white
photo of my white-and-white family.
- Sounds like it's time to hit back.
- No, on principle, I cannot do that.
As principal, you should do that.
No, I want people to vote for me
because of where I
stand on the issues.
I won't run a campaign on vitriol.
All right, bring it down a notch.
Voters are dumb.
Most of them are just there
for the sticker.
Well, I am doing an interview later
to lay out my plan.
I'm gonna post it to
the teachers' forum,
and I think once people know
where I stand on the issues,
they will be clamoring to vote for me.
Well, Ms. Schwartz
just posted that you
don't believe in
ADA-compliant schools.
What? [SCOFFS] That…
That's all I believe in.
What's this?
Mr. Johnson? Trying to get
the whole school done at once?
This is how I work off my nerves.
What are you nervous about?
Acting like you don't know
the Genesis Ball is coming up.
- That's this week?
- The what?
It's the biggest soiree
of the custodial season, Melissa,
and Ms. Carroll's gonna be there.
This is the first time I've seen her
since our "mallmance."
Okay, so what's the big deal?
Well, for her, it seemed like a "Wham,
bam, thank you,
Mr. Johnson" type thing.
This is my one chance to change that.
Mmm, we'll help you.
Okay, you gotta stop saying "we"
before checking with the other party.
Look, we love love.
- We're in love.
- Yeah.
And we know a thing or two.
I don't know.
Come on. The fashion club
can spruce up your outfit.
Yeah, Ms. Carroll will love it.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
I feel like that girl in the fairy tale
going to the ball.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
You two are my fairy
god-ugly stepsisters.
So, in the sequel,
they do a four-way body swap with
the granddaughter and the stepsister.
That does sound
like a much freakier Friday.
Yeah, yeah, it's a little complicated,
but it works.
Mmm, mm-hmm.
Doing anything fun this weekend?
Every day is a weekend
for me, Gregory,
because, as you know,
I don't do anything.
I didn't say that. I don't think that.
I'm merely a glorified babysitter.
You said that, not me.
That's not what I heard.
Cool way to weigh in, Melissa.
Barb, I know you do a lot.
I don't think you truly understand
what I do.
I know what you do,
but I also know what I do.
- I don't think you do.
- I do.
Okay, listen.
There's only one way to settle this.
- We Freaky Friday it.
- Oh.
Yeah, you switch
classes for a little bit.
Oh!
Good idea, Melissa.
Yep.
Gregory? You in the mood
for a little vacation?
If I agree, would that help?
- It would.
- Okay.
- Well, then tomorrow, high noon.
- Oh.
Bring your class to the library,
and we will switch.
- [SIGHS] Mmm… Psych!
- Ooh!
But we are making that switch. Ha!
High noon.
Cortez, Imani, I'm excited to get
into the issues with you today.
District bureaucracy is
You've previously been critical
of MrBeast's exploitation
of what you called "human suffering."
So, explain your like
on this MrBeast post from 2018.
What?
- Where did you get that?
- Ms. Schwartz posted it.
[EXHALES SHAKILY]
It was a long time ago.
[STUTTERS] I was a different person.
He was a different beast.
But you know what stays the same?
District bureaucracy,
making it impossible to create change.
And that's what I want to focus
on today, not… not idle gossip.
Look, I won't be persuaded off message,
but word to the wise,
never like anyone's post, ever.
…which would benefit
both teachers and district.
And that is just one prong of my
multi-pronged communication system.
Okay, thankfully, Mr. C,
that's all the time we have.
Time we'll never get back.
Well, policy isn't
meant to be exciting.
It's meant to change the world.
Um… I hope you found at least
some of it compelling. Okay.
Well, what do you think?
Should I move my keys to the other side?
I think that if this is someone we're
trying to impress
that we can do better.
But this is what I
wore on our first date.
If I wear something different,
she might not recognize me.
You are more
than just your uniform, Mr. J.
Yeah. Kids…
Let's get to it. Mm-hmm.
That's janitor purple.
- [GROANING]
- You again?
Look at what Ms. Schwartz did
to my podcast interview.
And that would be one prong of my
multi-pronged communication system.
- What?
- [LAUGHING]
Uh…
- [SNORES]
- [SCOFFS]
Hey, no one loves process more than me.
- [COUGHS]
- [AVA GIGGLES]
[VIDEO] Ha-ha!
She is manipulating everything
in order to mischaracterize me.
She is politicking,
and the people are really responding.
You are getting cooked.
This is good.
It rivals some of my takedowns.
Oh, my God.
Am I really gonna lose
to somebody totally incompetent?
Hmm… What does that say about you?
No, not on my watch!
Be my campaign manager.
Look, the debate is tomorrow,
and the vote is immediately following.
I need your help to take her down.
So you're telling me I have almost
no time to turn this thing around?
What do you think I am, some kind of
miracle worker? [LAUGHS] 'Cause I am.
Please, I wouldn't ask you
if I wasn't desperate.
If I help you,
you have to do exactly what I say,
even if it goes
against everything you believe in.
- Do I really have to do that?
- Yes.
Now say, "Trickle-down economics
helps the lower class thrive."
Ava, [STUTTERS] we both know
that is a lie. I mean
Forget the truth
or you're never gonna win. Now say it!
Fine. Trickle-down economics
helps the lower class thrive.
[RETCHES, GROWLS]
Good. Now say it again.
Upon extensive research,
I've determined that
this is your problem.
Okay, I think this was a bad idea.
Do you wanna be the next Beto
or the next AOC?
Trick question. Beto never won.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, the goal isn't to get people
to vote for you.
That ship has already sailed.
The goal is to get people
to vote against Ms. Schwartz.
Okay, but how?
We get nasty.
We spin every question, every point,
and we make it an attack on her.
Example, what is your stance
on standardized test prep?
Well, my stance is
Weak, woke, wack.
Your stance is, "Lock her up."
Come on, man, look alive.
All right, students, Mr. Eddie and I
are going to conduct
a little experiment
since it seems that
some teachers aren't valued
as much in the eyes of others.
That's not true, but
And so for the rest of the week,
we are going to switch classes.
I am going to teach Mr. Eddie's class.
[ALL] Yay!
And I'm going
to teach Mrs. Howard's class.
I love Mrs. Howard.
She's the best teacher ever.
Yeah, well,
your sample size is, like, two, so…
Mrs. Howard's class, follow me.
You guys can stand.
Please don't make me leave Mrs. Howard.
[CRYING]
It's okay. It's all right.
Come on. Let's go.
- [JANINE] Okay, just be still.
- [WOLF WHISTLE]
Nice! Colman Domingo called.
He said save some red carpet for him.
[LAUGHS]
Ms. Carroll's gonna freak.
We'll see. I usually woo ladies
with my mop work,
but she's seen me clean an entire mall
and walked away.
Okay, so, what's our
plan to win her over?
I've been working
on this mentalist routine.
It's all about subtle suggestion.
Pick a number. Any number.
Yeah, or we lose that,
and you just tell her how you feel.
Okay, I got my number.
I've dated wild horses like her
in the past.
I'm afraid if I come out
and tell her how I feel,
she'll be out of my life
before she's ever in it.
I understand. It can be scary, Mr. J,
but you know what?
The important thing
is you move forward,
whether it's with her or without her.
Mm-hmm.
Melissa.
Was your number five?
- No.
- Oh, my God.
My number was five. How did you do that?
Subliminal messaging.
You never noticed I
had a thumbs-up
next to the number five.
Whoa. Wow.
Okay. So, what is 30 minus 20?
What's 30?
Can we have blocks?
No, it's not playtime.
But I need them to count.
Okay. Well, then, yeah, use the blocks.
Now, when we're taking 30, and then we…
Hey, excuse me. Ladies, excuse…
Hey, there's enough for everybody
to have their own set.
Relax, relax, relax.
Can we sit down, please? Thank you.
Okay, let's pivot. What were you guys
working on this week in language arts?
We were talking about U.
Me?
No, the letter U.
You were spending
a whole week on the letter U. Why?
We haven't gotten to Y.
No. [SIGHS] W-H-Y.
What's W?
[CRIES]
[GREGORY] Okay. It's… It's okay.
[STUDENTS CRYING]
Apathy among teachers
is at an all-time high.
What will you do to combat that
in this role?
Great question.
Here's what I'd like to combat.
This magnificently unqualified candidate
who is unprepared for the rigors
of this position.
Whack her again.
It actually seems unfair
that we would share the stage
since this isn't a social media post,
and you can't edit yourself
to look competent!
[LAUGHS] Now insult that outfit.
All while wearing that lipstick
with that dress? Shameful.
Ugh! I'm imagining
it, and it is shameful.
Now for the knockout blow.
Bring up the fact
that she kicked a student.
And in case you aren't all dissuaded
from voting for her,
Ms. Schwartz once punted a student.
And the extra point is good.
[GIGGLES]
Politics looks good on you, Jacob.
Okay. Look, everybody, this is nap time,
so no talking, please. Shh.
I'm not tired!
Just close your eyes.
My eyes don't close.
- Yes, they do.
- Stop yelling at me!
- Okay.
- [STUDENTS WHINING]
Well, this was fun.
And now I feel like a terrible teacher.
On the bright side,
I also feel like a terrible person, so…
Correct.
Aw, we are really cooking now. Mmm!
Hello, Mrs. Howard.
I'd like to switch back now, please.
Mr. Eddie.
It seems you finally found a garden
you can't handle. Kindergarten.
- Hmm. Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]
Uh, Mr. Johnson? It's
Janine and Melissa.
Yeah, we finished your corsage,
and the kids fashioned you
this unbelievable suit jacket.
[DOOR OPENING]
- Hey.
- Ta-da!
[IMITATES FANFARE]
Thank you both.
Unfortunately, I won't be needing
any of this.
What? What are you talking about?
There was an accident.
Semitruck full of glitter bombs crashed
into a Carpet & Tile Depot.
My God.
And they need all hands on mopping.
So Genesis Ball is canceled.
- I'm so sorry.
- Okay, surely that couldn't have happened.
Well, it did, Janine.
It's over. That's
the universe telling me to drop it.
Love is not in the cards
for everybody, ladies.
And when she twists your words,
you bring up kickgate.
Don't pull any punches.
- Twist, kick, punch.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, Gregory, you came.
- Hey, hey, hey, focus.
You came to support Jacob?
Of course. Didn't hurt that my
nail salon is right across the street.
Well, well, well,
look who decided to show up.
May the best Schwartz win. Huh?
- Or Hill.
- [SCOFFS]
Your last name is a mound of dirt.
Let's start with 60-second
opening statement, shall we?
Before I get into the nuts and screws,
I want to share with you
why I wanted to run.
And, uh, well, it starts with the story
of my deepest shame.
You see, I poured everything I had
into my first job as a teacher,
and I pushed too hard
because I cared too much, you know.
And, uh, well, at my lowest,
I, uh, I kicked a kid.
[CROWD MURMURS]
It was wrong, but more than that,
it was human and a testament
to the struggles
we teachers face every single day.
I mean, who here hasn't been pushed
to the brink?
You know, forgiving
myself wasn't enough,
so I brought someone
with me here today.
Rajon, come on out, friend.
- [JACOB COUGHING]
- [CROWD GASPS]
No limp?
He is so much more
than a kid who got kicked,
and I'm so much more than the kicker.
Sorry for the brief recess.
Our cat got out,
and my husband is blaming me again.
Anyway, how would each of you improve
working conditions and school morale?
Mr. Hill, you first.
Well, I think we can all agree
that morale would improve in any school
if there were no kicking of children.
Why do you keep bringing it up, man?
It's triggering.
Because he wants to live in the past
while I'm worried
about our students' future.
So much so I wrote a poem.
[SCHWARTZ CLEARS THROAT]
- "I stay up late wondering…"
- Jacob isn't very good at this.
Yeah, this is rough.
Looks like he and I both
taking L's this week.
[SCHWARTZ] "Are we all
in trouble? Are we…"
Are you still upset
about what happened earlier?
[SCHWARTZ] "Then I awake, my heart…"
Honestly, after seeing everything
that you do,
I feel like I don't do enough
when I get them.
Gregory, every grades' needs
are different.
Besides, I've seen you teach.
Trust me, the students
are learning just
as much from you as they did from me.
It's not a competition.
It's a collaboration.
- [SCHWARTZ] Firstly, I think we all agree…
- I like that.
[SCHWARTZ] …that school days
are way too long.
Although I am at the beginning,
which makes me the foundation and
therefore the most
important. [CHUCKLES]
Mr. Johnson, you gotta come quick.
There's an emergency.
Oh, no, a second glitter truck
hit the depot?
No, someone threw up in the gym,
and then someone else saw it,
and then they threw up.
It's best to let it dry overnight.
No, we can't 'cause…
Man, just come to the gym.
[SIGHS]
I'm telling you, if you let it dry,
you can shovel it the next day.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, I'll be.
You aren't vomit at all.
But how?
Your friends called me.
- [CHUCKLES] Well, I called.
- And you used my phone.
I know you clean up well.
But you also clean up well.
I was worried you wouldn't recognize me.
- I do.
- Hmm.
I mean, she's wearing that lipstick
with that dress?
- Shameful.
- [CACKLES]
One more outburst like that,
and I will be forced to ask you to stop.
[SIGHS] It's fine.
He's worried about my dress,
and I'm worried about
fixing the budget crisis.
Okay. Yeah, I'm not sure how,
because that's not what the role is.
[STUTTERS] We can only convey
our budgetary needs.
We have no idea what the total amount
is gonna be from the district.
My God. [IMITATING JACOB] "We can only
convey our budgetary needs"… [TRILLS]
Do you even know
what this position does?
[SCOFFS, CHUCKLES]
Can we move on?
Geez, this guy is insufferable.
You know what?
Maybe you're right. I am insufferable.
I may not have the skills to edit
TikToks to manipulate interviews.
And photos.
But at the very least, I know who to
contact if your school needs supplies
or wants to fund a trip
or even needs a counselor.
I mean, tell me, Ms. Schwartz,
do you have a plan in place to gather
the needs of the 51st school district?
[SCOFFS] Do I?
Sure. Look, I may be
agonizing, annoying
Ooh! Grating.
And I may not know when to stop talking,
but isn't that who you want
fighting for you?
I am insufferable, but I will always
suffer so that you don't have to.
Yes.
[AVA YELPS]
I told him to say that.
No matter what happens,
I'm glad I did it on my own terms.
That's a Jacob Hill I'll die on.
Ah, why didn't I say that?
All right, let's see
a show of hands for Jacob Hill.
Nine votes for Jacob Hill.
All in favor of Tina Schwartz?
And eight votes for Tina Schwartz.
That officially makes Jacob Hill
the 51st District Board of School
Commissioners liaison representative.
[BARBARA] Thank God we came.
Hey, man, come on, let's go.
- And, uh, let's go.
- Come on, Barbara, let's go.
Yeah, let's go.
I know I went off script there
a bit, but
Jacob, you don't have to say it.
[CHUCKLES] You're welcome.
What? No, I-I did the opposite.
It's what I do.
Just want to say good luck
doing whatever it is this job does.
Well, I really appreciate that,
and I'm sorry for the things
I said earlier.
I hope we can put
our differences aside now.
So glad to hear you say that.
So I can count on your endorsement
when I run for school board.
Run…
Oh, God, what have I done?
["ON BENDED KNEE" PLAYING]
Girl, it's drivin' me insane ♪
After the mall, I never thought
I'd see your beautiful face again.
But we agreed we didn't
want it to get messy.
One thing we know in our line of work,
that life is messy.
What's important is cleaning it up
for the ones you care about.
Can we go back to the days… ♪
[MELISSA] Aw! It's so sweet.
[JANINE WHIMPERS] What's happening?
I can't see. Tell me everything.
We did good here today, kid.
Hey, would you mind switching?
'Cause I can't feel my arm.
No, keep twirling.
The feeling will come back.
Okay.
Can somebody tell me
How to get things back ♪
The way they used to be? ♪
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Jacob won by one vote.
[MELISSA] Whoa.
Okay, please don't tell him
I wasn't there.
Please tell him I wasn't there.
Y'all ready to go?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[JANINE] I have
a big vocab test to prep for.
You know, it's funny.
My second graders have come so far.
They basically come to me as nothing.
Their little minds just completely
and totally empty,
like a blank page in a blank book.
[MR. JOHNSON]
Where do you think you're going?
Uh, home?
Are you crazy? I know you don't think
we're cleaning this place up.
Also, the hallways could use a
once over. I had a rough day earlier.
Come on, baby.
Bye, y'all.
sync & corrections awaqeded