Ghosts (2021) s05e16 Episode Script

1
Thank you so much for meeting with us.
Ah, of course. It's my pleasure.
Who is this guy?
HETTY: It's the tax attorney
Samantha and Jay hired
to review the IRS's case against Jay.
No, this guy, with the earrings.
That's Jay.
Now, just to get things
straight, Mr. Arondekar,
you are a chef who decided
to also pursue a career
as a financial analyst.
Yep. Yep, that's right.
And instead of pursuing this
additional career as yourself,
you chose to illegally earn
income but not pay taxes
under the assumed identity
of "Michael Jackson."
Yeah, that was a weird
choice on my part.
Have I said sorry enough to Jay?
SAMANTHA: Husbands. First
they leave the toilet seat up.
Then they commit tax fraud
under an assumed identity.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Right.
Now, it's unlikely that the IRS
will refer this case to the DOJ,
which means no prison time.
Yes. Okay, we-we like no prison time.
As long as you pay the back
taxes, penalties, and fines
in a timely manner.
So you need to remit $220,000 to the IRS
- by the end of the month.
- ALBERTA: Damn, Trev.
That's some Capone-level
tax evasion. I'm impressed.
SAMANTHA: We don't have
anywhere close to that much.
What about offloading some
of your personal assets?
Have you considered
selling your property?
Sell my estate?!
Oh, I'll give him a piece of my mind
if he ever happens by
on St. Patrick's Day!
We are not selling Woodstone.
Well, then you better
come up with another way
to make a lot of money very fast
or you're in big trouble.
I hate to keep beating a dead horse
I'm not selling feet
pics on the Internet!
Okay.
♪
So, Sam,
heard you're in financial ruin.
Probably karma biting you
in the patootie for junking
our old beloved water heater.
That's right. I was
over it for a minute.
But two weeks without the gurgle
has me peeved.
Nancy, what were they supposed to do?
They didn't have any hot water.
Well, I never had any hot water
and I turned out just fine.
- [CHUCKLES]
- PETE: You died of cholera.
Very likely tied to the fact
that you didn't have
access to running water.
NANCY: Oh, whatever.
More gotcha journalism
from the upstairs elite.
I'm out of here!
How are we elite?
I mean, I did have a
Members Only jacket.
Well, Jay, the good news is,
just about everything we
put up for sale online sold.
You got $45 for the Boba Fett.
All I ask is that, before you ship it,
I get a chance to say goodbye.
At what moment in history
did it become acceptable
for adult men to have toys?
I'm genuinely curious.
What's going on here?
HETTY: Oh, Samantha and Jay
are selling whatever
measly possessions they can
in a futile attempt to
repay the government. [SIGHS]
The Woodstones
once we owned factories,
and now we peddle space toys.
JAY: Huh.
I got a missed call from Brett.
The Brettinator?
You're still in touch
with Trevor's old boss?
Yeah, he thought the
whole Michael Jackson
double life thing was baller.
And he's a sneakerhead,
so I reached out to him
about buying my collection.
Shoes. Selling our shoes.
JAY: I'm gonna try him back.
[LINE RINGING]
Whassup ?
Hey, Brett. I saw that you
called, which I assume means
- you were interested in those sneakers?
- Uh, no.
I actually found that very weird
and sad that you sent me that.
I did not like that.
- Oh, okay.
- But, look, I get it.
You tried to double-dip,
you paid the price.
The good news is, you need cash
and I have an opportunity for you.
Now, it's not exactly
legal, but I can't imagine
that's too much of a deal-breaker
for a bad boy like yourself.
[QUIETLY]: He has a way
for us to get some money,
but it's not exactly legal.
[GASPS] Oh, no.
He's gonna ask to use
Jay like a sushi tray.
Hmm. I doubt it.
But if it would save my house,
I say take off those clothes
and fill that belly
button with soy sauce.
SAMANTHA: Wh-what exactly
does he have in mind?
Hello?
Are you there? What do you say?
Yeah. I'm listening.
Okay.
Right here.
This is where they want it?
That's what Sam texted me.
But why do they want a
chair just all by itself
- in the middle of this creepy basement?
- I don't know.
They said it's supposed to
be some sort of a Zen space.
Yeah, I guess it's sort of peaceful.
What's all this?
Well, as you know, Sam and Jay
have been frantically selling
all of their possessions.
But they were unable to find
a buyer for this recliner.
So we said, "Why not give
it to the basement ghosts?"
We know nothing will
replace your old water heater
and its beloved intermittent gurgle,
but maybe in the meantime,
this chair will provide some
small measure of comfort.
PETE: Oh, boy. They may not know
- what a chair is. Um
- Oh. Eh.
Uh, y-you guys know about
the concept of sitting, right?
We know what chairs are.
Yeah. A guy in my village had one.
We're just not really
chair type of people.
SASAPPIS: Well, why not just
give it a shot, you know?
Maybe you'll like it.
I suppose it couldn't hurt
to try it just this once.
Oh.
So, how is it?
It's the greatest
pleasure I've ever known.
- [GASPING]
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
Better than that one
time when you ate a berry?
Better than the berry.
[GASPING, CHUCKLING]
All right, well, let me
just talk it over with Sam
and I'll get back to you.
[CHUCKLES]: Okay.
Thanks, Brett inator.
Well?
Okay, so, basically, Brett is a regular
in an underground
high-stakes poker game.
Underground? I wonder
if Patience is in it.
I know about this game.
Brett used to always invite me,
but I could never go because of obvious
"can't leave the property" reasons.
So what does he want from you?
He wants us to host the game.
The last venue got busted
and they're looking to move
it somewhere with less heat.
Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Well, he did say we'd
get a sizable hosting fee,
like ten grand.
Jay, that won't even make
a dent in what we owe.
You're thinking too
small, Sam. The real money
is what you're gonna
win at that poker game.
HETTY: They are not good at card games.
Lest we forget the Go
Fish paper cut incident.
ALBERTA: Do I need to
spell this out for y'all?
You got ghosts.
We can help you cheat.
Now, Trevor, this game has
some high rollers, right?
Oh, yeah. Loaded with whales.
- [INHALES]
- Not that kind of whale.
- Thank you.
- ALBERTA: With us ghosts telling you
what cards everyone has,
- you literally can't lose.
- SAMANTHA: Oh.
- I don't know. That seems unethical.
- Hmm?
The ghosts are saying we could
use them to cheat at poker.
Really?
But where will the players sit?
In giant tanks of water?
[CHUCKLES] How do they hold
the cards in their flippers?
- Mm, she's back to the wrong kind of whale.
- JAY: Okay,
on the one hand, it
does sound dangerous.
But then, on the other hand,
if we don't get the cash
to pay for the fines and the back taxes,
I could go to jail,
which also sounds dangerous.
So what are you saying?
I'm saying shuffle up and deal.
Let's host an illegal poker game.
Yes! You will not regret this.
I mean, you might, but [SCOFFS]
whatever. I'm excited.
Eight and nine and ten.
Time's up, Nigel.
Just a little longer.
Hey, I counted up to ten several times.
Which I know how to do because
of my full year of schooling.
- [CHUCKLES]
- DIRK: You heard the lady.
It's time to give someone else a turn.
- Like me, perhaps?
- CATHERINE: You already had a turn, Creepy Dirk.
DIRK: Exactly. The rest of you
don't even know what you're missing.
So it's far more tragic
when I'm not in the chair.
PETE: How's it going, basement buddies?
We need more chairs.
- Oh, sounds like our gift was a big hit.
- Oh,
stop patting yourselves on the ass
and start rounding up some chairs.
CATHERINE: They got a
ton of furniture up there.
We'll take ten chairs
and another ten chairs.
You want 20 chairs?
No one knows what that means, Pete.
Just get us some damn chairs!
We're sick of taking turns.
We need help!
Okay, okay.
We'll go upstairs and
see what we can do.
I'll go with just to make sure
you little heinie
holes don't screw it up.
Doesn't 11 come after ten?
Shut your piehole, Copernicus.
BRETT: This is the guy
I was telling you about.
Top-notch chef by night,
financial analyst using
an assumed name by day.
- How baller is that?
- JAY: [CHUCKLES] Well,
you know I love analyzing stocks
and, uh, having people
not know it was me.
TREVOR: Love that Brett still thinks
that Jay/me is a baller,
especially after all that's gone down.
That's a true friend.
So how exactly does this work?
I mean, I've seen Molly's Game.
A-are you, like, the "Molly"?
MICHELLE: This is just a
casual gathering among friends.
Now, if you'll both grab a wall,
I'll need to pat you down for wires.
So these are the high rollers.
[CHUCKLES]: Oh, this is exciting.
- Run me through the roster.
- It's everyone you'd want
in an illicit high-stakes poker game.
There's Boris,
the intimidating Russian.
Irene, the Miami
snowbird with a dark past.
And who's that guy?
He looks like a child.
HETTY: Is that Young Sheldon?
Yeah. That's the actor who played him.
Iain Armitage.
Sup? I'm Iain.
[RUSSIAN ACCENT]: Oh, yes.
You're a child actor.
Uh, I was a child actor.
Sort of going through
a rebrand right now.
I just got cast in a
pretty gritty poker movie.
So I'm here. Doing research.
- Okay.
- My agent's comparing it
to when Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls.
'Cause it's edgy.
I'm edgy now.
Hey, Iain, here's your apple juice.
[CHUCKLES] You know what? No.
A-Apple juice is what I used to drink.
I'll take a Pepsi.
Straight up.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] You got it.
SAMANTHA: Hey.
Just wanted to talk to you guys,
make sure we all know the plan.
She's doing that thing
where she talks on the phone
but she's really talking to us.
Oh! That's a good bit.
We haven't done that in a while.
So, we know what we're doing?
- We all set?
- ALBERTA: Sure are.
I've assigned each ghost a player
whose cards they will watch.
Everyone knows their
man and is ready to go.
Wait, I didn't get assigned anyone.
ALBERTA: Well, there aren't any left.
But there's five of us
and five players, aside from Sam.
Yeah, but I'm taking two
players, so you get it.
Right. But why would you take two?
God, she is lucid at
the most annoying times.
Sam, do you not want me to help?
Do you not think I'm smart enough?
I just didn't want you to
have to worry about anything.
I wanted you to enjoy
yourself at the party.
It's nothing against you, Flower.
There's just way too
much riding on this.
I see. Hmm.
[SIGHS]
That was difficult, but
it needed to be done.
Hey, guys! Ooh, the poker thing.
Can I help?
And now we have to do it again.
It's crazy.
It's like I'm standing
but with my butt instead of my feet.
That's just sitting.
You're describing sitting.
Okay, guys, I've got bad news.
It's a big no on the new chairs.
- [SCOFFS]
- Apparently,
they offloaded a lot of extra furniture
at that Halloween yard
sale a couple years ago.
And they don't want to part with
any of the stuff
they're currently using.
Let's give 'em all cholera.
Okay, we can't always jump
right to giving everyone cholera.
NANCY: Plus, they're doing this poker
cheating thing to try to save the house.
So we don't want to do
anything that would threaten
our continued access
to the living butler.
NIGEL: Yeah. It's kind
of like cutting off
your nose to spite your face.
- BRAD: Hey!
- Sorry, Noseless Brad!
It's just an expression!
So what are we gonna do?
Oh, this is bullcrap!
Why do we all have to share a chair?
NANCY: I'm with you guys.
No more turns.
It's time for the law of the jungle.
- Ooh
- What does that mean?
It means might makes right.
And that chair is mine.
- Come on. [GRUNTING]
- No!
- I'm not moving!
- [OTHERS YELLING]
I'm taking it!
- You wish!
- Stop!
Help!
Hi, Iain.
Do you mind if I get a quick pic?
My mom is a huge fan.
Sort of playing poker here, man.
- Okay.
- [SHUTTER SOUND EFFECT]
- Thank you.
- MICHELLE: Sir,
get your butt away from the table.
Sorry.
- Check.
- She got two pair.
Sam, you got her beat.
Hmm.
I bet a thousand.
I call.
Let's see what you got.
Three pretty ladies.
Oy gevalt.
Sorry, Irene.
Yes.
[INSECTS TRILLING]
IAIN: Hey, check it out.
I wear cologne now.
I got it at Nordstrom.
Adult Men's section.
ALBERTA: Okay, Sam,
it's just you and
Boris left in this hand.
This would be a big opportunity
for you to clean him out.
Isaac, what does Boris have?
ISAAC: He looked too quickly before.
I wasn't able to catch it.
But he always checks
again after the river.
[SINGSONGY]: I know the lingo.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Okay, well, here's the river.
What's he got, Isaac?
[SNEEZES, SNIFFLES]
Oh. Oh, no.
Are you kidding me? Did you miss it?
It was a chemical attack!
HETTY: How many lives
must your sneezes ruin?
I saw it. I saw his cards.
He has a seven and a three.
Okay, if that's true,
Sam, you got him beat.
If you go all in, you
could end this now.
Woodstone would be saved.
Mm. It's a lot riding on Flower.
We were all thinking it.
I just said it out loud.
Sam, you have to trust me.
I know you guys don't think
I can do this, but I am 100% positive.
I saw those cards.
Sam, action's to you.
Sam, you have to believe me.
I'm all in.
Boris call.
Three kings.
[SIGHS] Nice hand.
Unfortunately,
not nice enough.
I have three aces.
[EXHALES]
- Flower
- FLOWER: No.
No, no, no, no, no, I swear.
I-I know what I saw.
I
I know what I saw.
You trusted Flower?
What were you thinking?
- Jay, Flower's in here.
- Good.
Hey, Flower, I know you got
a lot of great qualities.
I mean, I assume. You seemed nice
that one minute I met
you when Pete dislodged
my soul from my body that one Christmas.
Oh, that was fun.
But you're not exactly
known for your lucidity.
And I don't think that that
is a controversial statement.
Michelle just made an announcement
that the game is going
to resume in two minutes.
I think that was for the players
who haven't been completely knocked out,
but I thought I'd pass it along.
Sam, you have to believe me.
I know what I saw.
Boris must be cheating.
- What do you mean?
- Well, he must have had
those two aces hidden somewhere
and then switched them
out at the last second.
Now that you mention it, he
was fiddling around down there.
I thought it was just
your standard rearrange,
but perhaps there was
something nefarious to it.
Flower thinks that Boris
somehow switched out the cards.
Okay, okay. Sure.
Or maybe hear me out
the permanently high ghost
that thinks the wallpaper is moving
is mistaken.
Look, I know what I know.
He had a three and a seven.
And really?
No one else ever sees
the wallpaper moving?
You guys are missing out.
SAMANTHA: Also, Isaac saw
Boris fiddling around in his pants.
JAY: Oh.
Okay, then.
There's a very simple
solution to this problem
that doesn't involve us
confronting a Russian gangster
based solely on the
word of a dead hippie.
So what does it involve?
They think he's hiding
cards in his nether region?
Make one of the ghosts go
crotch diving to confirm.
- Oh, hell no.
- I shan't be going near
- anyone's nether regions.
- SAMANTHA: I mean,
Trevor, this is kind of all your fault.
You should probably do it.
Oh, no.
I think he was mainly
scratching his left inner thigh.
But fog of war
who knows?
Be thorough, Trev.
We need this.
[EXHALES] Fine. I'm going in.
Another hero move for the ages.
Wish me luck.
Trevor's doing it.
We'll know momentarily.
TREVOR: Oh, my God, it's awful.
I hate it!
Do you see the cards?!
The cards are strapped to his
inner left thigh with a garter.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Flower was right, Jay.
- What?
- Ha.
TREVOR: He ruined garters for me.
Oh, this is a dark day.
[YELLING]
- Oh, no! What is this?!
- Hey, stop it!
Guys, what is going on?!
- [GRUNTS] We'll tell you what's going on!
- [PANTING]
Your stupid chair tore us apart.
Why have you brought this
cursed technology to us?
We were just trying to help!
This is our fault.
We violated the Prime Directive.
What are you talking about?
Star Trek. It-it was this TV show.
Basically, they had this rule
that you're not supposed to interfere
when you encounter another civilization.
And here we are,
shoving our sitting
ways down the throats
of a beautiful standing culture.
SASAPPIS: Pete's right.
We shouldn't have interfered.
We're sorry.
[SIGHS]
As much as I love blaming
anyone who wears shoes,
I don't think this is all your fault.
The truth is, I think
we're all a little raw
from the loss of the water heater.
But we have to accept
that she's never coming back
and life is never going to be the same.
[CLICKING]
- What was that sound?
- [LOW HUMMING]
What sound?
There was, like, a series of clicks.
I think it came from
the new water heater.
Oh. Whoa!
There's kind of, like, a low hum.
You hear that?
Yeah, I hear it.
- That's very interesting.
- [CLICKING]
Whoa!
More clicks!
They're intermittent!
- We got an intermittent sound, folks!
- [LAUGHS]
This thing is spinning gold over here!
[CHUCKLING]
There you go.
Thank you for playing.
What's this?
Boris is cashing out.
Still on Moscow time. Little tired.
Oh, not so fast, Drago.
Rocky IV.
- Great reference.
- SAMANTHA: We have reason to believe
Boris cheated on the last hand.
- Excuse me?
- MICHELLE: This is a pretty serious accusation.
Do you have any proof?
Yes. But it is tough to say
that a ghost was
face-deep in Boris' crotch.
I saw Boris switch out
his cards for two aces
that he had hidden in his pants.
Which means that the original cards
are still in there.
So we need him to drop trou.
Oh. Poker and a show.
Sam, stall him.
I'm going back in.
SAMANTHA: Listen, Boris,
you're not going anywhere until we get
- to the bottom of this.
- BORIS: Okay,
I did not want things to get
violent in front of the kid.
IAIN: I'm fine. I
recently watched John Wick,
which is rated "R."
Because I can do that now.
BORIS: For the last time,
Boris did not cheat.
- [STRAINING]
- And he does not have
hidden cards anywhere on his body.
[GASPING]
Whoa. Would you look at that.
Aha! The cards.
I told ya!
Well done, Trevor.
ALBERTA: You and that
big Russian have had
quite a night together.
- [LAUGHS]
- MICHELLE: Boris,
you are banned from my game.
And that money belongs to Sam.
- [SIGHS] Okay.
- [SAMANTHA CHUCKLING]
Yes!
- Woodstone is saved!
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [LAUGHING]
- SUE: Uh, hello?
What's going on here?
Oh, why are you here?
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Well, your husband posted
a selfie of Mr. Armitage.
And we're huge fans
and we were hoping to meet him.
- Jay!
- Yeah, but, uh,
now that we're here, it's
kind of obvious from the chips
and the literal duffel
bag of cash you're holding
that this is an illegal
high-stakes poker game.
Oh, it's Miami Beach all over again.
If I were to testify against the others,
do I get to go free or ?
Wh-what? No, please, I'm just a kid.
Now he's just a kid.
- That's convenient.
- ISAAC: He's 17.
In my day, he'd be a
battle-hardened father of six.
SUE: No one's going to jail.
That's not how this works.
- [SIGHING]
- That said, uh,
- we are gonna have to confiscate the money.
- No.
[GROANING]
Okay, I think it's back
to my original plan.
I'm not selling feet pics!
Mm.
Shame.
You just had to post that
Iain Armitage pic right away,
- didn't you?
- Okay, in retrospect,
not a great call.
But then again,
- I did get almost 50 likes.
- ALBERTA: Uh,
- in what world is 37 almost 50?
- Plus,
it was getting late,
and a lot of my followers
are New York-based.
I got to get in right
at that 8:00 p.m. hour.
They just got home from work,
but they haven't gone out yet.
Hey, guys.
Maybe pick up some
early London scrollers.
By the way, it's called "Instagram,"
as in "instant."
People don't honor that enough.
Flower, I think we owe you an apology.
ALBERTA: Yeah, we're
sorry we doubted you.
FLOWER: It's okay. I'm just glad
everything worked out in the end.
HETTY: Yeah, but it
didn't work out at all.
The money got taken,
they're back to square one,
and they're still in debt with the IRS.
Well, at least we all
still get to live together.
Flower, they may have to sell the house.
- Oh.
- JAY: Ooh,
two more likes. See,
this thing's going viral.
We're not selling the house, Flower.
We'll think of something.
Does Jay sell some feet pics?
Oh, they're not bad. Not bad at all.
I mean, they're not house-savers,
but they might take
you out to the movies.