Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e17 Episode Script

1
Thank you all for attending the
inaugural Bi-weekly
District Staff Mixer.
What we hope will be
the first of many BDSMs.
As your liaison representative,
I just wanna remind you
that the spring food drive
starts next week.
Let's not overdo it
on the corn this year.
They expect me to get to
two of these a month?
I'm busy enough
running my school as it is.
Not to mention, we're implementing
an hour of PSSA test prep every day.
I know what you mean.
The amount of work I put into organizing
a new bookfair this year
has been so draining.
Well, Abbott had two new bookfairs
this year, so I'm twice as drained.
We're also having our teachers
coming in at 7:15 instead of 7:00.
My teachers come in late all the time.
The extra sleep for the teachers
improves results for students.
My teachers' start time is 7:16.
The extra minute
gives them more pep in
their step for grading
all that homework.
Your kids are still doing homework?
That's quaint.
- You got rid of homework?
- We rolled out a pilot program this year.
The studies are showing that
no homework decreases burnout
and improves kids' home lives.
My kids are doing no school. Yeah.
- What?
- They're doing school.
But also…
We are now a no-homework school!
And the school will be locked till 7:16!
- What?
- Yeah.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
This is preposterous.
Homework is the backbone of academia.
I mean, what if Sir Isaac Newton
didn't have homework?
Would we even have gravity?
Plus, it assists our youth
in developing crucial skills,
like time management and responsibility.
That's absolutely correct, Mr. Johnson.
And to piggyback off myself,
let me present a philosophical question.
If we take away homework,
what would the dog eat?
Look, maybe this would be
the big push that we really needed.
You know, the kids have enough
on their plates,
and the research shows that no homework
evens out the playing field.
Yeah, most kids use AI
for homework now, anyway.
You know, I got an essay last week
about how Rosa Parks invented parks.
- [MR. JOHNSON SIGHS]
- I teach math.
Look, I don't grade the homework,
but I do like to see that they did it.
You don't grade homework? [CHUCKLES]
How do you know how they're doing?
I mean, I keep track of who needs help,
but there's no point in grading
until the test.
Oh, okay, that's shocking.
A little alarming. [CHUCKLES]
And proves you learn
something new every day.
Like, that's where a grade
will come in, actually.
[BARBARA] I've seen
these fads come and go.
Silly social contracts.
Ergonomic chairs.
This too shall pass.
Homework has stood the test of time
for a reason.
And those policies still exist today
in countries like China…
- [BELL RINGS]
- …and North Korea.
All right. See everyone tomorrow.
There's really no homework, Mr. C?
'Cause you usually give us,
like, two hours' worth.
No, I-I promise there isn't.
But I do encourage you to think about
what we talked about today.
- That's homework.
- Sorry, force of habit. [CHUCKLES]
One more time. Have. H-A-V-E.
Have.
Great job!
Now, sight words can be a little tricky,
so when you go home tonight,
I want you all to do…
Nothing!
Because we no longer have homework.
[ALL] Yay!
[BELL RINGS]
Yes, I'm sure without
any practice at all,
you will all remember today's lesson,
no problem.
They won't remember a blessed thing.
- This no-homework thing is feeling good.
- [GASPS]
Seems like we are really
onto something here.
Oh, yeah, this is great.
I'ma use my free afternoons to go home,
watch some college hoops.
Look, I found this fun app
that lets you predict
how many points each team's gonna score,
and then here's a kicker,
you get it right, they give
you a little, like, prize money.
What's the catch?
No, there's no catch.
In fact, they give you a hundred bucks
just to sign up.
Mmm. Fun.
Well, now that I have
my afternoons free,
I can beat the 5:00 p.m. bike traffic.
I usually get doored once a month.
Oh, yeah? Sorry about yesterday, man.
I didn't see you.
[WHISPERS] Yeah.
- So let me get this straight…
- Mm-hmm.
…you give them the homework…
- Good morning.
- …they take it home, they do it,
and then you…
Look at it and say "great job."
But for what? [CHUCKLES]
For doing it. And
then I give 'em a star.
That is insane. That'd be like if I… I…
All right, don't strain yourself.
I got it.
- [SCOFFS]
- [DARNELL] Gregory Eddie!
Don't worry.
I'm not here to beat your ass.
That's great. Why would you be?
- Ooh. Don't you tempt me.
- [JANINE] Oh, my God.
Go ahead, Son. Go enjoy your day.
Did you know
I'm not even Jabari's teacher anymore?
Oh, this is bigger than both of us.
See, Jabari tells me
he doesn't have homework,
and I know he's not lying because we
watch Power Book III: Raising Kanan.
They lie on that show all the time,
so he knows it's wrong.
- What is going on?
- Darnell, it is true.
Okay? There is no homework.
It's a new school-wide mandate.
But doing homework together
is how we bond. Okay?
And there's already
enough people trying
to tear Black fathers from their sons,
as we've seen on Raising Kanan.
Maybe we can suggest, um,
another way for you guys to bond.
Maybe watching Snowfall?
- Ms. Teagues, respectfully…
- Mm-hmm. Yes.
- …that is a ridiculous suggestion.
- It is.
He already watched Snowfall
when he was two.
- That's how he learned to speak.
- He learned to speak.
- S… Okay. That's on me, then.
- Yeah.
Okay. So, yesterday we saw how the
Cold War was really
starting to heat up.
Now, who can give me a quick hit
on how Sputnik ratcheted up tensions?
Who was Stud Nick?
Ah. Wouldn't we like to know?
No, come on, Sputnik.
Satellite. Come on, guys.
You should've read
about it in Chapter 30,
which was supposed
to be your homework.
Um…
Can't skip Skutnip. Skip Sputnik.
Freak it, we'll do it live.
Everybody, just open your books
to Chapter 31 and start reading.
[INHALES]
Mmm. [SIGHS]
So, to set the stage,
Dwight D. Eisenhower
is in his second term,
and we all liked Ike, but
[SHUSHES]
You know what, just skip
every other sentence. It's fine.
All right, class, we're going to
continue on with sight words.
Now, who can tell me what this word is?
Oh, come on, don't be shy.
We went through all of these yesterday.
- Yes, sweetheart.
- Uh, I don't remember.
And why would you?
Since flash card review would've been
a part of last night's homework.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Whoo! Jackpot. [CHEERS, LAUGHS]
Melissa, this new policy is killing us,
but you seem to be having
a grand old time.
'Cause I am. You know,
I think what you guys need to do is
you need to turn this whole homework
thing from a negative into a positive,
like turning three Fun Bucks
into sixteen on Reward Arena.
- The sports book app?
- Call it whatever you want.
All I know is, I put a little
money down, I do some research,
make a few informed decisions,
and bam, they give me more money back!
Wait, you're using
your real money for this?
But I use it to buy Fun Bucks, and
then if I log in three days in a row,
they give me four Fun Bucks for free.
It's like they're paying me to rob 'em.
I think we have made a grave mistake.
We need to bring homework back.
- Amen!
- Yeah, I kinda agree.
- You don't even grade it.
- Without at-home reading,
I'm needing to cram all of
the Apollo missions into one lesson.
And guess what? That is not the giant
leap Neil Armstrong was talking about.
Without homework,
my students aren't getting
the practice they need
for new information to really stick.
I tried to give Ava
the benefit of the doubt,
but I looked into it. [CHUCKLES]
And no one, and I do mean no one,
has rolled out a no-homework
initiative like this in March.
Well, that's not surprising,
because none of this makes sense.
I think we've given it enough time,
and minus Melissa
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Whoo! Jackpot! Hey! Ka-ching! [CHUCKLING]
[BARBARA] We all agree
that this is not working.
And it is in everyone's best interest,
including Ava's, that she knows it.
I think someone should say something.
Yep. Fine. I will do it.
Uh, no disrespect,
I think we're looking for somebody
who, no disrespect,
Ava would listen to.
No disrespect.
- Fine. I'll talk to her.
- Yeah.
- [JANINE] That's good.
- That's what I meant.
I mean, I don't like those odds, but,
you know what, I'm feeling generous.
I'll go 2-to-5 Barb.
I'll take that action.
- [TYPING]
- I heard Crystal's wack weave
affects her ability to principal.
- Got her.
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Ava, the teachers and I appreciate
you're doing something innovative,
but this no-homework thing is proving
to be detrimental to
how we do our job.
Seems effective to me.
[SCOFFS] Now that the students
aren't always talking about homework,
maybe we can get a D1 athlete from here.
But it's all so sudden and…
a bit overly ambitious.
I'm as ambitious
as any administrator out there.
- Are you saying I don't work hard?
- I didn't say that.
I'm just saying that I don't think
that this is going to work for us.
Oh.
- It's not gonna work for y'all, huh?
- No.
Well, everyone who is a principal at
this school, please raise your hand.
Oh, but…
I noticed you don't have your hand up.
That's because you're not the principal.
I'm the principal. You're the teacher.
And no homework
is the law of the land.
- I'm just saying
- You will just do as I say.
Thanks.
Oh, come on.
Oh, thank you.
Ooh. How'd it go? Has sanity prevailed?
No homework stays.
But what happened? I mean, did she have
any reports on growing pains?
- 'Cause that's where we are now.
- [BARBARA] No.
I was simply reminded
that I am not the principal,
and therefore, have
no say in the matter.
- Ava said that to you?
- [BARBARA] Mm-hmm.
I mean, she pulls rank with me
all the time, but you?
- Are you okay?
- No, she's not okay. She's seething.
- Look at how her pearls are vibrating.
- [BARBARA EXHALES]
You know, when someone is spoken to in
such a manner,
they've got two choices.
One, listen to them.
Two, slap them into last week.
But as a weak-wristed woman of God,
went with number one.
Barb lost, which means you lost.
Pay up, sister.
Yeah, okay, sure.
Let me just get my wallet.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, hey, hey! Get
back here with my $14.
[MELISSA] Catch me.
So, President Lyndon B. Johnson
used the Gulf of Tonkin incident
as a justification
for escalating the Vietnam War.
A decision that was so unpopular, he
didn't even try to run for reelection.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Silent reading has been
cutting into class.
So I'm kicking my lessons
into a higher gear.
If I go full Busta Rhymes mode,
then we still get time
for Socratic discussions.
Johnson underestimated the division
the war would have domestically.
But who won the war?
Well, that is an incredibly nuanced
question that we
should really dig into.
[BELL RINGS]
[STUDENTS GROAN]
Um…
My students are falling behind. Yeah,
they're forgetting how to multiply.
Yeah. Mine are falling behind too.
I think, without the practice at home,
it's just
How would you know if you're
not grading anything? [CHUCKLES]
- This is really bothering you, isn't it?
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
I've barely mentioned it.
You asked me about it
last night in your sleep.
- Okay. [SMACKS LIPS] I love you very much.
- Mm-hmm. Sure.
But what kinda lunatic
just gives out gold stars
like they don't have any weight
or any value?
If I'm being completely honest with you,
- I don't even like gold stars like that.
- Ugh.
If I'm giving out stars,
they're probably gonna be blue.
Oh, God! Would you… Stop.
'Cause I gotta get into a bed
with you later. And right now, I…
[JACOB] What are you
doing on your phone?
'Cause, you know, I can give you any
news updates with little to some bias.
No, I'm checking Cleveland's
average strip club rating.
Why?
Because if they don't have
very high-quality clubs,
James Harden's got a better shot
at scoring over 25 points.
I'll save you the trouble.
They're mid. Very mid.
And if he does, then I win
four Fun Bucks and it pays out twice.
That's gambling.
It is not.
Jacob, did you not hear what I said?
I'm making a sound investment decision
backed by solid data and intel.
This no-homework
atrocity has got to end.
- My students aren't retaining anything.
- Same.
You know, Ava is
simply wrong about this.
Now, she might have good intentions,
but she is not in these classrooms.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm.
- [GREGORY] Mmm. Yeah.
So we should do what we need to do.
- You got something in your eye?
- Y… [SIGHS]
I'm saying what we do in our classrooms
is our business.
- Okay.
- [BARBARA] Yeah.
Right. Just one more time,
just walk it out for me.
Ava doesn't need to know
what goes on in our classrooms.
[ALL] Oh.
- We give the kids secret homework.
- Just one more time.
- We give the kids secret homework. Yes.
- [GREGORY] Yes.
As educators, it is on us
to do what is best for our students.
So we've been coming up with creative
ways to get them their homework.
Because we will not be deterred.
We will not be defeated.
We will do what's right.
Oof.
Gave myself goose bumps.
Ms. Teagues, I'm a man of my word.
And I made a promise
that if Jabari's grades ever slipped,
which I can only assume
they have without homework,
that I was gonna come back here
and I was gonna kick Gregory's ass.
Wait, so you mean to tell me that
no matter what grade Jabari is in,
if he falls behind,
you're gonna come "beat my ass"?
Yep. That promise lasts forever.
Okay. Look, maybe there's something
that we can do, Darnell, right?
Jabari, come here.
Come here, come here. Okay, turn around.
What is that?
Well, let's just say
a little slip of paper
fell from the sky
and entered Jabari's backpack.
And maybe you can check later
when you get home, right?
It could be a little work.
Are you on drugs?
Because I've heard about you.
No, no. I'm not on drugs.
It's secret homework.
Oh.
[AVA SIGHS]
Ah.
And what is this?
It's my classwork.
[SNIFFS]
This has barbecue sauce on it.
We haven't served chicken nuggets
in two weeks.
This work has been in a home.
I found this homework contraband
on one of Janine's students.
Who put you up to this?
Was it Barbecue Barbara?
[JANINE] Barbecue B… [SIGHS]
Barbara didn't put me up to anything.
Look, there's no grand conspiracy
to undermine you. [CHUCKLES]
There is, and we're all in on it.
[BREATHES HEAVILY] We have been
secretly assigning homework!
What is wrong with you?
This is why I get kicked out
of all my Signal chats.
If this many teachers felt called
to assign secret homework,
then the initiative must not be working.
Look, we meticulously plan
our curriculums for the entire year.
Yes, and with that planning
and a little bit of luck
and a few miracles, we do it.
But you pulled the
rug out from under us.
I sat in on a pop quiz
in Ms. Washington's class the other day.
All the students aced their tests.
They've never been happier.
Look, I know a few other schools
have tried this, like Liberty Rings
Crystal Riley doesn't know
what she's doing.
Crystal Riley doesn't have
a better school than me.
And Crystal Riley did not give up.
It will take some time to adjust,
but we'll be fine.
Does this nonsense
have anything to do with
your trying to compete
with that Crystal Riley?
Why would you say that? [CHUCKLES]
'Cause you said her name
three times unprompted.
That is why we have been traumatized
by this experiment?
You're trying to bring down
the entire school
just because you're trying
to one-up your friend?
- That is ridiculous!
- Yeah.
- You are being a bad principal.
- Whoa.
What did you just say to me?
Why would you do something so selfish?
- Let me tell you something!
- Okay, all right, all right.
I know you're real angry. Just be
careful about what
you're gonna say next.
[SIGHS]
[EXHALES]
That was a nod of someone
who was about to say something crazy.
Are you here to apologize?
I am not. I am here to talk further.
Which will end in a "sorry"?
No, because I'm not wrong.
Ava, it has become crystal clear
that you are letting Crystal Riley
affect how you do your job.
Pfft. She wishes.
What is it about Crystal
that gets to you like this?
I don't know.
She's been one-upping me since college.
I get a new shirt,
she gets a new wardrobe.
I date a linebacker,
she dates a quarterback.
I get a D, she gets an A-plus.
It started making me feel bad about
it. So, I started one-upping her back.
Well, this has got to end,
because you will not feel good
about one-upping her forever.
Wrong. It feels great every time.
And if I stop the
no-homework initiative
right now, it will look like I lost.
Ava, you are not in college anymore.
You are a grown woman.
You've got a man, a wonderful career,
friends and coworkers
who appreciate you.
And you're right. You are the principal.
You make the calls.
The decision is yours.
Homework is back!
[STUDENTS] Boo.
Okay, maybe that was not the best way
to deliver what is,
in fact, good news.
Okay? 'Cause at least we can all have
class discussions again.
We all missed that equally, right?
I hate homework. Let's be clear.
But I definitely miss
class discussions.
But you just give us
so much homework, though, Mr. C.
Okay, so it's not the homework,
but the amount?
I guess some homework is good.
Dang, did Mr. C
just make us like homework?
- [JACOB] Ah!
- [STUDENTS MURMURING]
Love it.
Okay, all right, less homework it is.
But for now, since we missed
so much discussion time,
we are going to do a truth zone.
Ask me any question you want about the
chapter, not my love life, thank you.
And I will give you
the real, unvarnished truth
that you will not find in the textbook.
But let's make it a speed round.
Rapid-fire. Who's got one?
- Henry K…
- Kissinger?
War criminal. Next.
[STUDENT 1] Ooh! Ooh! Right here.
Hallelujah.
The students have their homework again.
A welcome return to normalcy.
Yep, my plan worked.
I took it away
so you'd appreciate it more.
Look how happy you all are now.
You're welcome.
Just a sky full of
stars over there, huh?
You know, Gregory, I really…
[STAMMERS]
Feels good, huh?
Yeah, you know what? It really does.
- Do me next. Do me next!
- [JANINE] Yeah.
God! [BREATHES HEAVILY]
Ugh, I swear to God, if this guy tanks
this game, I'm gonna
find his address
Melissa, you are gambling
in the middle of a school day.
I can't help it
when they air cricket, Jacob.
Also, I gamble, and this is not
gambling. Gambling happens in a casino.
I mean,
they advertise this app on national TV.
You think they'd do that
if it was gambling?
- Yes.
- [MELISSA] Well, you're wrong.
- Also, I'm playing with house money, so…
- As in "Fun Bucks"?
No, as in if I lose this money,
I lose my house.
Oh, my God, I've been gambling.
Well, it has been an absolute dream
come true to be with you this evening,
but sadly, all dreams must end.
[CLEARS THROAT]
See you all the week after next.
So, Ava,
how's the no-homework policy going?
Eh. I tried it,
but the teachers wanted it back.
And you know what? They were right.
It's too bad you couldn't figure it out.
I admire that, though.
Sometimes, good leadership
means listening to criticism.
Yeah, I considered
the no-homework policy,
but if it didn't work for you,
maybe I'll rethink our approach.
Well, Crystal, I'd love to hear
how you pulled it off at Liberty Rings.
How'd you do it without classes
falling behind and
test scores dropping?
Oh, that's easy. The kids were failing,
- so we don't do tests anymore.
- What?
We're a metric-free school now.
No homework, no tests,
no grades, just vibes.
Metric-free? [CHUCKLES]
Those kids are going nowhere.
Have a good night.
[DARNELL] Yo.
I saw Jabari got a gold star
on his homework.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm.
- So, we're good, man.
For now.
- Did he get taller?
- I don't know. It's all the same to me.
And did someone start using
the star system?
Well, I get it now.
[CHUCKLES] I'm just
happy I don't have a
parent coming up here
threatening to beat my ass
anytime their child is struggling.
- [GREGORY] Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
Hey. So I heard about my ex
threatening Gregory,
and I just wanted you to know
you have nothing to worry about.
Darnell will only ever hit Gregory.
He would never hit a woman.
- Well, that's progressive.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is it?
- But don't worry.
- If Jabari falls behind…
- Mmm.
…I'll beat your ass,
'cause we two girls.
- Oh. Um…
- Mm-hmm. Yes, I got you, girl.
He has a Little League game this
afternoon, so you better pray he wins.
- Hey, baby. How was school? Good?
- [JABARI] Good.
[LISA] We'll go home.
We'll make the chicken…
Oh. Wait, get your ball.
sync & corrections awaqeded