Ghosts (2021) s05e17 Episode Script

1
Look, I wish I could help
you, but that money was seized
as part of an investigation
into the illegal poker
game at your residence.
- So you can just keep it?
- It's called civil forfeiture.
And there's no way we can get it back?
I mean, there's a slim chance,
but it's a lengthy process.
Hey, Chief, where do you want
this new espresso machine?
- Oh, the break room's fine.
- JAY: Ooh.
Is that a Piaggi? I tried to get
one of those for the restaurant.
- Those things are, like, ten grand.
- Oh, uh,
- we got a good deal.
- SUE: Sorry to interrupt, Chief,
but for the Humvee, do we want to go
with the upgraded Napa leather
with the contrast stitching?
JIM: That doesn't come with
- the premium package?
- It's separate.
Sure. Why not? [CHUCKLES]
Well, that all sounds pretty expensive.
Ma'am, you can't put a
price on public safety.
We're never getting
our money back, are we?
No, you are not. But
I can offer you a cappuccino.
- Okay.
- Can I get light foam?
♪
SAMANTHA: So, yeah,
we are facing some
financial difficulties, and
we just thought that it was
important to come clean to you.
Mm. "Come clean" is a bit strong.
The man still doesn't know
that the root of your money woes
is ghost-related tax evasion.
- The details are not important.
- Hmm.
JAY: We knew we had
to share it with you,
'cause you're not just
our business partner,
I mean, you're our friend.
[PHONE WHOOSHES, CHIMES]
Are you even listening, Mark?
Hmm? Oh, yeah, that all sounds great.
We just told you we're in
serious financial trouble.
You're right. I'm so sorry.
Uh, they just came out with a new update
for this Fruit Smashgame.
It's very addictive.
They added raspberries, which
seems like not a big deal,
but they give you triple smash points.
Look, I appreciate you
guys being honest with me.
And I'm here for anything you need,
- short of lending you any money. [LAUGHS]
- ALBERTA: Ooh.
- Smart man, Mark.
- We'll figure something out.
Thank you for letting
us bend your ear, Mark.
- Mark!
- Sorry.
I'm just one cantaloupe
away from a fruit salad.
That's actually a very big achievement.
MARK: I'll catch you guys later.
I'm gonna go check out that thing
with the walk-in at the restaurant.
- Thanks, Mark.
- HETTY: What
Now what is the plan?
Are you gonna have to sell the house?
And, if so, have you
considered selling it to Kyle?
- TREVOR: Ooh! That would be amazing.
- Love Kyle.
Nobody turns a magazine page better.
But, obviously, we'd miss you dearly.
SAMANTHA: Of course
we don't want to sell,
but we are running out of options.
Sam and Jay.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Hi. Mayor Tad.
We met last year at that
fundraiser you hosted.
I only feel the need to
remind you because you were
"baked out of your minds." Your words.
Hello, sir.
Love a two-handed handshake.
Makes you feel special.
Not as special as a six-handed massage.
Have I ever told you guys
about Jordan Belfort's bachelor party?
To what do we owe the
pleasure, Mr. Mayor?
Well, I know you're in a
bit of a financial pickle.
I heard about your
visit to city hall today.
And I think I might have a solution.
- We're listening.
- I would like
to personally invest in your business.
The hotel, the restaurant.
I want to be part of the solution.
You would? But why?
Well, obviously, I have a
special connection with Woodstone.
Because your prom date
was chainsawed here. Go on.
And you guys aren't just
constituents. You're job creators.
I mean, if you were forced to sell,
there's no guarantee
this property wouldn't
just become some rich
person's third house.
I don't know if you can
technically call them rich
if they only have
three houses, but okay.
Well, it's definitely interesting.
Well, I'll tell you
what. Let's have lunch,
talk about it, see
if this is a good fit.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
- HETTY: Mm. now, Jay's double-handing it.
- This is too many hands.
SASAPPIS: Thank you all for gathering.
The day has finally arrived.
Ghost representative election day.
And now let's hear closing
statements from our candidates.
First up, somehow representing
the basement ghosts,
Isaac Higgintoot.
[CLEARS THROAT] Thank you, Sasappis.
My fellow Ghostmericans,
it has been a long
and eventful campaign.
And I have heard your problems,
and I have formulated solutions.
Remember, a vote for Isaac is a vote
for a movie-theater
style popcorn machine
in the main lobby.
- Oh, yes!
- ISAAC: And this is not a false promise.
I have actually secured
Samantha's agreement on this.
The aromatic scent of
freshly popped corn will waft
through these halls, you have my word.
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
And now, representing
the upstairs ghosts,
Flower Montero.
I'm nervous. I told her
she should walk through Gabe
to get smart before her
speech, but she refused.
Wanted to do it on her own.
Thank you, fellow ghosts.
I just have one question for all of you.
What is this for?
It's your closing statement
for the election, Flower.
Right. The election.
We got to run that son of a
bitch Nixon out of office, man.
By attending music festivals,
taking acid and sucking
nitrous out of balloons.
Who's with me?
Yeah! [LAUGHS]
We want the movie theater popcorn thing.
[CHANTING]: Popcorn thing!
Popcorn thing! Popcorn thing!
- Our girl's in trouble.
- Popcorn thing! Pop
TAD: I got to say,
the B and B is charming as hell,
this restaurant is incredible,
and neither of you currently seems
the least bit stoned.
Ah. The lowest of bars, cleared.
- You love to see it.
- [CHUCKLES]
So, long story short I don't know
I'm feeling pretty good about this.
We certainly need the money.
But cards on the table
we're a little worried
about selling a majority
stake in Woodstone. Right, Sam?
- Sam?
- Oh. Sorry.
I downloaded the stupid
game. I can't put it down.
I can help you get past that
Monster Melon. Let's talk later.
- Now, where were we?
- Look, I completely get it.
Woodstone isn't just a
business. It's your home.
Which you are going to lose
unless you close this deal.
I don't know what there
even is to talk about.
TAD: But it's you guys I'm investing in.
I don't have time to be hands-on.
I like what you're doing.
I want you to keep doing it.
So you're saying you
want to give us money
to save the business so
we can keep running it,
and nothing's gonna change?
She's one of the great
summarizers of her era.
Yes. And, you know,
if a few headlines pop up here and there
about how Mayor Tad
saved a local business
in an election year,
well, you know, so be it.
So, what do you say?
Uh we're in.
Woodstone is saved!
And it still doesn't mean
you can't ask Kyle to move in.
Hey, Jay, bad news on
the walk-in. Looks like
you might need a new control board.
Oh. Hello, Tad.
Mark.
You two know each other?
PETE: Am I crazy or do
Mark and Tad have some
sort of score to settle?
- TAD: Mark did some work on my kitchen.
- JAY: Great.
He's our business partner. [CHUCKLES]
He's the best.
Tad's interested in purchasing a part
of our share of the business.
I was interested.
Unfortunately, if
Mark's involved, I'm out.
What did Mark do to this man's kitchen?
I ain't leaving. I want to find out.
I'm sorry. Are you saying
you're not gonna invest
in the business because
Mark is involved?
That's right. Going into
business with someone
is all about trust, and Mark
is not to be trusted.
You said you wanted
bullnose countertops.
I would never.
Everything about me says sharp edges.
Guys, this doesn't
need to be a big deal.
- Misunderstandings happen.
- TAD: Yeah.
It wasn't a misunderstanding.
I couldn't have been clearer.
Yeah, I agree.
When we discussed this,
standing in your kitchen,
you clearly stated you wanted bullnose.
That is not what I said.
Two alphas going at it. I'm loving it.
Yup. She loves alphas.
Look, I like you guys,
I like your business,
I like the optics of me saving the day.
But it's either him or me.
Let me know what you decide.
Screw that guy.
Trust me, you're better off without him.
Oy vey. That deal fell apart faster
than when I took the Hobby Lobby
guys to Scores for lap dances.
What are we supposed to
do? We're deep in debt.
We need this Tad deal
to go through, babe.
You got to solve the Tad-Mark beef.
Get those two to kiss and make up.
Alberta says we need to get Tad
and Mark to resolve their issue.
How? It's a he said-he said.
No one who wasn't standing
in that kitchen with them
knows the truth about
how it really went down.
Then why don't we see if
anyone else was in that kitchen?
HETTY: You've got ghosts.
Specifically, one who
can leave the property.
Okay, Jay, what if we sent
Pete over to Tad's house
to see if there were any ghosts
who witnessed the conversation
that Mark and Tad are arguing about?
Maybe there's a ghost who
heard something helpful.
Interesting. It's worth a shot.
HETTY: And if it doesn't work out,
are debtors' prisons still a thing?
They may be satisfied
with just the husband.
That's some good news.
NANCY: I cast my vote for
- Isaac.
- [LAUGHS] Thank you.
Another mark in the Higgintoot column.
This is turning into
a bit of a landslide.
Don't be down, Flower.
There is still time to
turn this ship around.
Is boat analogy 'cause, Viking.
You're the best, Thor.
I would like to vote in the
ghost representative election.
Though I prefer
theocracy over democracy.
Hi, Patience. It's been a minute.
Haven't seen you since the whole
Christmas canoodle with Trevor.
A lapse we shall not speak of again.
He proved to be a man of low morals,
his thick thighs and sublime
buttocks notwithstanding.
Which leads me to the
only question that matters.
For whom did Trevor vote?
He voted for Isaac.
Ah. Then I shall cast
my vote for Flower.
- Oh, right on.
- ISAAC [LAUGHING]: No matter.
My lead is still comfortable.
RICHARD: Not so fast.
The bunker ghosts cast
their votes for Flower.
[LAUGHING]: Oh, hey, guys.
ISAAC: What? My former brethren.
Did our four hours in the
cult together mean nothing?
Oh, sorry, Isaac,
but Flower freed us from
Bruce's evil clutches.
And by my count, that is
seven more votes for Flower.
And we're tied, folks.
- [LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]
- ISAAC: No, no.
FLOWER: Isaac, it's kind of a bummer
for either of us to have to lose.
What if we just did the ghost
representative thing together?
A power-sharing arrangement?
Never. I have an idea.
So, you guys all still just
staying in bunker?
Yeah. Just seemed
like the easiest thing.
Plus, the cots are super nice
now that the coroner
removed all our corpses.
Yeah, it's a total refresh.
- Hmm.
- Oh.
PETE: Well,
turns out a ghost at the
mayor's house did witness
the infamous bullnose counter
discussion in question.
Really?
Pete says a ghost at Tad's place
did witness the conversation.
And the verdict is
[IMITATES DRUMROLL]
Tad was telling the truth.
- [GASPS] Mark is lying?
- Seriously?
Not lying. Mistaken.
Uh, apparently, the
original agreement had been
to install the bullnose countertops.
Mark had sold the mayor on the idea
that they were a "classic aesthetic
that would stand the test of time."
Same reason I installed an
aquarium wall in my condo.
PETE: But importantly,
this conversation
happened two years ago,
coinciding exactly with
the last major update
to the game Fruit Smash.
Okay.
So, it turns out the mayor was clear
about wanting the
straight-edge countertops
but Mark wasn't listening
because he was busy playing Fruit Smash.
Hey, so good news about the walk-in.
The control board's actually
still under warranty,
so looks like you saved a few bucks.
Hey, Mark, the whole thing
that happened with
the mayor's kitchen
when was that, exactly?
Hmm, it's got to be
couple years ago, now.
Couple years ago. Wasn't
that right around the time
of a new Fruit Smashupdate?
Why are you asking?
Oh, he's thinking maybe this'll
jog Mark's memory. That's smart.
Well, it's just, um,
couldn't it be possible
that the mayor was clear
about the countertops,
and you weren't listening
because you were smashing fruit?
[SCOFFS] I see what's going on here.
Look, if you want to
side with the rich guy
so you can get your
precious money, go for it.
No, Mark. It's not like that.
I'm your friend and your partner.
If you should believe anybody,
it's me, 'cause I'm in the right here.
Of course you are.
But what if you're not?
You know what? Forget you guys.
You want to get into
bed with Tad? Go for it.
But make sure he buys my share, too,
'cause I don't want to be in business
with people who don't even trust me.
Mark, wait.
How do you get past
Commander Cantaloupe?
JAY: Great. My best friend hates me
and thinks I don't trust him.
Whoa, best friend?
He means best visible
friend, baby. He's upset.
Yes, this is unfortunate
on a personal level.
But at the end of the day, with Mark
hating you and wanting to be bought out,
the path is cleared for a deal with Tad.
Hetty's saying that with Mark walking,
it does kind of solve
our problem with Tad.
I don't want to solve
our problem this way.
There wouldn't be a restaurant
if it wasn't for Mark.
I know. It doesn't feel good.
- Again, it was Hetty.
- Mm.
- This is a stressful situation.
- TREVOR: Yeah,
these kids could both benefit
from a little six-handed massage action.
I know these chicks
from the Belfort bach.
They're probably in their 60s now,
but if you close your
eyes, their hands are 25.
JAY: You know what? Mark doesn't think
that we trust him, but I know a way
that we can prove to him that we do.
Come with me, Sam.
Six-handed massage.
You are classless.
My aquarium wall would disagree.
SASAPPIS: Okay, well,
with all the votes recorded,
it's looking like this
is an unprecedented tie.
- [LIVELY CHATTER]
- Unless there's anybody who hasn't voted yet.
In fact, there is someone
who hasn't voted yet.
Bruce, the time has arrived.
- [LIVELY CHATTER]
- Oh, my God.
Howdy, everyone.
Oh, boy.
Where he come from?
We summoned him from the dirt.
We played Cream over a loudspeaker
until he came through the basement wall.
Sorry, Flower.
Really want to smell
that movie-theater butter.
SASAPPIS: Um, okay, so, uh,
probably a formality, but Bruce,
who do you vote for?
Who do I vote for? Hmm.
That is a very interesting question.
I spent the last month
wandering around in a dark exile,
foisted upon me
by this traitorous
woman I now stand before.
Not looking good for Flower.
I had a lot of time
to think in the dirt.
Think about ways to plot revenge.
- Ah.
- But then a funny thing happened.
Between the bouts of pure panic,
there was a clarity that settled in.
And I realized
I was grateful to Flower.
- I'm sorry. What?
- ALBERTA: Oh,
- this is taking a turn.
- For, by exposing me as a fraud,
she freed me from my web of lies.
It is for that reason
that I cast my deciding vote
- for Sister Flower.
- [ALL EXCLAIM]
Oh, come on.
Then it's official.
Flower is the winner.
We have a new Ghost Representative.
- FLOWER: Yay!
- ALBERTA: Yeah, Flower. Yeah!
Hey, Mark, wait.
There's nothing left to talk about, Jay.
You have every reason to be mad at us.
We accused you of something
that we couldn't prove.
But here's the thing. We don't
just think you were wrong.
We know you were wrong.
- I'm sorry, is this an apology?
- SAMANTHA: The reason that
we know what happened in
that mayor's kitchen
is a ghost told us.
What?
Sam can see ghosts.
And we have a ghost on our property
who can travel to other properties.
It's a very rare and cool ghost power.
Anyway, our ghost talked
to a ghost at Tad's house,
and that's how we know what happened.
- This is insane.
- SAMANTHA: This is us
showing you how much we trust you.
By letting you in on our
most closely-guarded secret.
Sam, ask the ghosts
to do that thing where
they prove their existence.
You're gonna love this.
SAMANTHA: Uh, sweetie, there aren't
- any ghosts out here.
- Seriously?
They're always around
except when you need 'em.
I'm gonna go. Don't call me.
Mark, hold on!
Just come back in the
house. We'll find a ghost
and then, we'll straighten this all out.
Please.
Mark, you are my best visible friend.
I promise you, I wouldn't make this up.
Prove it.
SAMANTHA: You know what, I
think they're in the barn.
Follow me.
Yep, here are the ghosts.
They're gathered for the ghost election.
Right. The ghost election.
Samantha, I have suffered
an ignominious defeat,
but I would like to request
that you still go forward
with installing the
movie-theater popcorn machine
in the lobby, because
the people deserve it.
- Aw.
- Oh, hey.
What are you talking about?
What movie-theater popcorn machine?
I asked you earlier.
We had a whole conversation.
Was I playing a game on my phone?
- Perhaps.
- Yeah, I don't remember agreeing to any of that.
And it sounds insane
and expensive, so, sorry.
Oh. A colonial ghost
wants a popcorn machine.
Welcome to my life.
[LAUGHS] Guys, listen up.
We told Mark that Sam
can talk to ghosts, and we
need your help proving it,
so, uh, check his pockets,
see how many fingers
he's got behind his back.
You know, the classics.
We happy to help. Want
Thor do light thing?
Yes, great. The Viking ghost
is gonna make the lights blink.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
Wait one second, Thor.
I hate to do this,
but I do have a fiduciary
responsibility to my constituents.
We'll prove your abilities to Mark,
but we need your word
that you will procure
that popcorn machine for the lobby.
Damn, Flower. Did you walk through Gabe?
No. I'm just momentarily lucid.
So, what's supposed to happen here?
Uh, Flower, are you extorting us?
Oh, yeah. Big time.
My God.
- She's good at this.
- SAMANTHA: Okay.
Fine. You can have the popcorn machine.
- Yeah!
- [CHEERING, LAUGHING]
Thorfinn, do your thing.
Ah.
- [SHOUTS]
- [LIGHTS BUZZING]
And that's just an amuse-bouche.
There's more.
On the one hand, I can't believe it.
But on the other hand,
it explains so much.
I mean, no offense, Sam, but
your behavior has been
deeply weird for years.
A lot of that behavior has
nothing to do with ghosts.
We probably should have
told you a lot sooner.
We've told very few people.
Oh. My office said you wanted to speak.
No. What is he doing here?
Did I not make myself
clear? If he's in, I'm out.
I asked Sam and Jay to
get in touch with you.
There's something I want to say.
Please just hear him out, Tad.
After replaying things
in my mind a little bit,
I think, uh, maybe I got it wrong.
- Really?
- I know I got it wrong.
So, I'm sorry. And as
a gesture of my remorse,
I'm willing to redo the
countertops, free of charge.
Actually, the bullnose
kind of grew on me.
- Seriously?
- TAD: You were right, man. It's timeless.
It was just the principle of the thing.
Your apology
that's good enough for me.
So we have a deal?
We have a deal.
[LAUGHING]
Woodstone is saved!
I know I screamed that earlier,
but this time, I think it's gonna stick.
Oh. Hey, man.
Madame Representative.
Isaac, we're friends.
You can call me Jennifer.
Wait, that doesn't sound right.
Did you come here to gloat, Flower?
Is this the type of reception
I have to look forward to
over the next four years?
No, I actually came to ask you for help.
It's just, ghost rep
seems like such a big job.
And I don't really have a lot
of experience with politics.
I mean, I was orgy co-chair of my cult,
but that was mostly
just picking the music.
What I'm saying is
I think I might
need a vice ghost rep.
Really?
It's just, I don't really have the time.
I could use help carrying the load.
You know, public
appearances, glad-handing.
All the boring stuff
where people are really
just kissing your butt.
I mean
I mean, I suppose, if it would help you,
I could
take some of that butt-kiss
receiving off of your plate.
Mm. I really appreciate this, Isaac.
You're welcome, Flower.
And if you must know,
I actually think
you're not going to be terrible at this.
With my help, of course.
Not terrible at what?
At being ghost representative.
Is it hard?
Oh, I was orgy co-chair of my cult,
but that was mostly
just picking the music.
- Cool.
- Mm.