Rescue Me s05e17 Episode Script
Lesbos
Previously on rescue me - What's this? - Oh, it's a benefit for garrity, help him out with his medical expenses at the bar this saturday night.
My band's playing, we're totally gonna rock.
I suggest we pack the place full of totally hot chicks.
That's not a bad idea, actually.
Maybe you could have your girlfriend invite some of her friends.
You know, I'm sure she's got some hot phillies in her stable, right? Yeah.
And a couple of bulls, too, I think.
So you think I'm a lesbo 'cause your friends at work think I'm a lesbo? Hey.
I don't think that, ok? I've just been thinking about it.
I have needs.
You have needs.
It's mutual.
You're saying that you want to have sex with me - with no strings attached? - Yeah.
What, you're being intimate with janet and sheila again? - Maybe I am.
- Let me guess, it's a no strings arrangement, right? And it was their idea, am I right? - Yes.
- These are women, tom.
Women have--they got more strings than a goddamn baseball.
So what's up, man? When are you coming back to work? Soon, I think.
Doctor said I gotta take 2 weeks rest at home, then another couple weeks to get my strength back.
Dude, you know, you don't want to overdo it.
This whole experience has made me realize, I'm gonna totally overdo it from now on.
I'm just gonna live my life bigger, you know.
Wow! No sudden moves.
We don't want to frighten her off.
Ok, uh, who the hell is that and why is she looking for needles? Well that, my dear friends, is mrs.
Needles.
So needles got a russian mail order bride? I love you.
And when 2 people have that connection, you go for it.
You follow your first impulse.
Mine was to ask you to marry me.
It's the goddamn finals, lou! I know it's the goddamn finals, tommy! I've got 50 bucks riding on this! Your pieholes! - Hey, you getting the game on? - No, screw the game.
Dancing with the stars finals are coming on.
You bunch of queers.
Look at you.
Watching a bunch of hollywood pansies gliding around.
It's like figure skating without the skates.
And what the hell is this? Oh, it's a flyer for garrity's cancer benefit tomorrow night.
He beat the cancer.
Yeah, but he couldn't beat his medical bills.
So we're going to help him out by having a benefit down at the bar.
Ah, that's nice.
- Apache stone? - Yeah, that's mike's band.
Sounds like dances with wolves got a salt deposit in his kidney.
Thank you.
Ok, I've been saying that from the beginning.
Mike, you know I like your band.
But I think we can all agree-- the band name sucks.
Ok? Listen, when I was in high school, you know, we were thinking of maybe one day having a band and we came up with a name.
Of course we never formed the band, but I'm telling you, it's a cool name.
It's rock & roll, it's cutting edge.
That's what you need.
A lot of people don't even know the sex pistols' music, but you know the name of that band, right? That's what you need, something that's going to stick with people.
So get this-- the douchebags.
Hear me out.
Because you call yourself the dbs, right? Which is kind of mysterious and still rock & roll sounding.
But then when you get a little, you know, people are interviewing you and stuff, when they say, "what does db stand for?" You say the douchebags.
What do you think? Then everyone's going to think we're douchebags, tom.
- Oh, good, I got it.
- Yeah! All right! You guys watch posse full of pussies dancing.
I'm going up to my office to watch some football.
Yeah.
Hey.
Is that the defensive tackle from tampa bay? Yeah.
And he's teamed up with heather locklear, who's just out of rehab.
And he just got out of jail.
- He sure did.
- Slide over.
Anybody taking action? Lou is.
Put me down for 20.
Proudly Presents Season 05 Episode 17 How it's going? Hi.
How it's going? Ok, how are you? Oh, I've been better.
I just had a kidney removed.
Get a new line.
You know, I seriously did.
I'll show you the scar.
- What's up, bro? - Hey, man.
- How are you holding up? - I feel like shit.
- Because of the surgery? - No, the band.
I feel like I'm getting ear chemo.
- Me, too.
- Hey.
Hey, bro.
I hope you assholes are appreciating the level of talent that's showing up tonight, ok? We got some very smoking ladies here, and I'd say 70% of them are friends of carla'S.
So that means we can cease and desist with the my girlfriend's a lesbo talk, ok? Franco, first of all, it's ladies' night.
Second of all, look how touchy-feely they're being with each other.
It's just pretty goddamn gay.
And if 70% of these chicks know your girl, there's a pretty good chance that, statistically speaking, your girlfriend's a goddamned lesbian, son! Jesus christ.
You guys, I gotta get laid, all right? It's been forever, ok? I was sick and then I had the surgery.
It's been like 6 months.
I've been jerking off so much lately, any day now I'm going to yank my ass through to the front.
Hey, listen.
If carla's friends showed up and they were all a bunch of bull dykes, then maybe I'd start worrying that she was gay.
But that's not the case.
What you're looking at, son, is a flock of very fine lipstick lesbians, which means they're hot, possibly on the fence sexually, which means probably willing to play both sides of the line, which means you guys could be getting the same great sex that I'm getting with my alleged lesbian if you play your cards right.
Ok, well, I'm just going to check my penis at the door, 'cause clearly I won't be needing it tonight.
Thanks a lot.
- No.
- Hey, can I get another brew? - Hey, big lou.
- Yo.
Enjoying the scenery? Yeah, you know, usually I try to drink myself blind.
Tonight I'm going for deaf.
What, you're not a fan of apache stone? No, where's custer when you need him? Hoist your glasses, boys.
Your friend lou is getting hitched.
- Shut the hell up, really? - Yeah, yeah, absolute truth.
The girl asked, I thought about it, and then I took a page from garrity's grab the moment guidebook and I decided to go for it.
Live for today.
Live for today, yeah, but what about tonight? You never know, lou, something real interesting could walk through the door.
Oh, yeah, you know, be careful what you wish for.
Miss chechnya 2004 just drove up.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, and it looks like she's already had a few, boys.
A few dozen.
She's definitely got a foreign load on.
- Mrs.
Needles! - Mrs.
Needles! - Hello! - Hi.
How are you? Yeah, gesundheit.
Uh, sure.
America.
Yeah.
You are peachy.
Listen, tonight, keep an eye on your vagina because the place is lousy with lesbos.
It's the chief's wife! She doesn't understand a word I'm saying.
Watch.
I like doggie style.
Do you like doggie style? Absolutely.
Yeah, here's a question I've always wanted to ask a chief's wife.
Are you shaved or unshaved? Oh, that's too far, dude.
That probably means unshaved.
- Unshaved! - To being unshaved.
- All right! - Yeah! # Innocence, insincere politics, # # told by society, # # when does meet the end # Party! What are you guys doing standing around talking? You gotta get one of these chicks! Party! Oh, man, some people just make shitty alcoholics.
- Amen, brother.
- Sorry about the delay.
There's lesbians 6 deep at the bar, and I guess they like their booze.
I never wanted to thank you for anything, you douchebag, but I want to thank you for getting me drinking again.
For the first time in years, I feel like I got nothing to hide.
Yeah.
Other than the gay thing.
Hey, guys, no, seriously, listen up.
You know, we've had our fun.
We had our little trip down memory lane, tied a couple on.
Had a good but I think it's time to take it down a notch now.
You know what I mean.
Straighten it up, pluggin' the jug.
What do you say? Why don't we get out of here, go find a meeting? I'm kidding! Forget it! You're so serious, all of you.
Jesus.
You had me going there.
I thought you were serious.
Jesus.
I think I'm gonna take a stroll around the room, see if I can get lucky.
You know, there's only 2 problems with that.
They're all gay, you're all married.
So what if they're queer? I like a challenge.
And as for ellie, now that I'm back on the sauce, so is she.
She spends half the time passed out flat on her ass.
Which means teddy can do whatever the hell he wants.
Last night, I didn't feel like walking all the way to the can.
So I took a leak in the kitchen sink.
Some people might call that a blackout.
I call it my little pocket of freedom.
I'm gonna go get me one of those lesbos.
All right, good luck.
See, eddie, don't ever get married.
Oh, right, I performed the Ceremony? Hey, you know, talking of weddings, when were you gonna tell us all about lou? What about lou? He's getting married.
Got some chick named candy.
- You're shittin' me.
- No.
Jesus christ.
Party! Rock & roll! Well, at least he's wearing pants.
Ok, you're into chicks, and I'm fine with that.
To each your own.
Ok, I'm cool with that, all right? But I just found out that my girl, she had this chick on chick thing going on in the past, and, I'll be honest-- it's freaking me out a little bit.
- Is she pretty? - Of course she's pretty.
You have a number for her?Maybe I can talk to her a little, see where she's at.
Does needles know his wife is here? She's here? Oh, shit, it's an epidemic.
I hope he's not here.
He wouldn't be too happy about this.
- I'm conflicted myself.
- Yeah, me, too.
I don't know whether to jerk off or run out and buy a disposable camera.
I think I'm sobering up.
I need a refill, this guy never sees me.
I'm going to the other end of the bar.
You guys want anything? - Yeah, get me a vodka rocks.
- I'll take a vodka rocks-- So getting married, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Is that a problem? Well, you're marrying your ex-hooker, ex-thief girlfriend, you didn't tell your supposedly best buddy in the world? Gee, you know, and I wonder why I wouldn't do that.
You know, I mean, I tell ya, it may sound crazy, but listening to garrity's speech last week about, you know, just grabbing life by the balls-- Ok, lou, let me get this straight.
You're taking life advice from garrity now? Why don't you just take driving tips from goddamn billy joel, for christ sake?Jesus.
I was thinking a lot about what sean said, too, you know? About, you know, life's a gift and you gotta do what you love to do.
Absolutely.
That's why I decided that I'm going to put in my papers so I can focus on my music.
- Why is that funny, lou? - You're not doing that.
That's where my heart is, tom.
Look, I don't give a shit where your heart is, asshole.
Think about where your wallet is, ok? The fire department, all right? What's going on? Garrity puts 2 sentences together for the first time in his whole life and you guys are latching onto it like it's goddamn scripture? I'm gonna start latching on, too.
I mean, here I am asking advice from strange lesbians about colleen when I should be going straight to colleen and deal with the issues myself, and deal with it head on.
Right now.
It's time to live for today.
- For today.
- Cheers to that.
You see what I'm saying? Now I just want to be clear here.
You're going to marry the ex-hooker, just like ernest borgnine in the poseidon adventure, you are going to give up your firefighting career for a supposed career in music with Aband.
You're gonna go have a face-off head to head with a female gavin? Damn right.
Franco, you got any stupid shit that you have planned? - No, I'm good.
- Ok.
I say go ahead, boys, it's a new day.
But hang on for dear life 'cause it's gonna be one never-ending gimongous shit storm.
- Hello, boys.
- Hey, garrity.
- Hey, want to do me a favor? - Yeah, mean.
- Next time you get cancer? - Uh-huh? Die.
What--what did I do? Guys! I tried to stop them! You're supposed to be watching the door! I told them they couldn't come in, and they pushed right past me.
Calm down! Pushed past you-- who pushed past you?Nils? Oh, christ.
Batten down the hatches, put locks on the men's room door.
We got bull dykes.
Jesus christ.
I'm banging a gay chick.
Yeah.
Jesus.
It's like dykeapalooza in here.
Yeah, why can't these chicks show up when we have, like, furniture to move.
Yeah, when they could use their powers for good.
I heard they don't get their periods.
Where'd you hear that, asshole? - Chief feinberg.
- It's true! All right.
Holy shit, one of them just got mrs.
Needles! Oh! Oh, my god, I think I'm going to puke.
Yeah, well, just aim towards your drummer, will you? Ok, guys, if needles finds out about this, we're all dead.
We gotta break this shit up pronto.
All right, I got the chains.
Who's got a trailer hitch? Judging from the crowd, there's probably 5 or 6 parked right out front.
Hey, what's the deal with all the bull dykes? It's hard enough trying to make it with a lesbian.
I don't need this goddamn competition.
All right, well, we gotta get that blonde broad away from that one dyke over there in the corner.
I can take her.
Hell, I can take her right now.
I'm 3 and oh against dykes.
And I'm not talking about the soft bitches, either.
I'm talking lawrence taylor with a vagina type broads.
All right, well, you can distract them.
Mike, lou, you grab mrs.
Needles and meet me out front.
- Who's got a car? - Mine's a couple blocks away.
Grab it! Meet us a couple doors down in a few minutes.
You ready? When it comes to fightin' lesbos, I was born ready.
- You heard of mike tyson? - Yeah.
I'm dyke tyson.
Uh, you guys think we should go back him up? Yeah! Let's do it! Hey, samantha ronson, mind if I cut in? Yeah, that's right.
I know who she is.
What did you just say, shithead? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, I speak cock, which I know you don't understand.
You shouldn't have done that.
Come on.
Hey.
Where is she? - Who? - What do you mean, what? - Oh, she's gone.
- Gone where? She got lost in the fracas 'cause you were inside lollygagging.
My uncle's fighting a lesbian, you call that goddamn lollygagging? - Seriously, where is she? - I don't know where she went, she's gone.
Yo, guys, you're not going to believe this.
I'm in the hallway puking, and some hot ass blonde chick just gave me a blowjob.
- What? - No, I'm serious.
I've got to get her number.
- Where'd the hell she go, tommy? - He lost her.
Oh, shit! - Yo, come on, not on my rims! - Hey! You want to come get this crazy white bitch out of my apartment? Hey, don't touch that! That don't belong to you! Oh, lord, jesus! Hey, that's the chick that blew me.
I didn't get your number! Hey! What the hell are you two doing here? Special delivery.
- What happened? - She showed up at the bar.
Must have found one of those apache stone flyers lying around the firehouse.
And you two let her get blasted? - Hey, it was an apache stone gig.
- And she's the lucky one.
The rest of us had to listen to the band play.
- Yeah, us and the lesbos.
- There were lesbos? - Yeah.
You don't want to know.
- And bull dykes.
Why is she laughing? - Becausehere was a little-- - I don't want to know.
I can't believe you brought her here, to work.
Well, it was either here or the gulag.
- The russian embassy.
- I know what a gulag is.
You, watch her.
- In here, rasputin.
- Rasputin.
The way I figure, you kind of owe me a big favor.
So I would like you to stop busting my balls and holding all this shit over my head.
And by all this shit, you mean your excessive drinking, sex with your wife in the storage closet of this house, a physical altercation with a superior officer, namely me? And your general tommy gavin cowboy bullshit behavior? Yeah, that would be it.
So we're square.
Tom, come here.
We're not even close to square.
All right, what you did tonight was personal, and I appreciate it, I really do.
But everything else between us is professional.
The ball busting's going to continue.
- You understand? - Yeah.
- Good.
- Ok.
Professionally, I think I'm going to go down to the ins and just report that you might have a completely illegal alien as a wife.
- How's that for-- - Sneezy, sneezy, sneezy-- no, no, mrs.
Needles, mrs.
Needles, this-- this is not right! Me and you are square.
- Me and you got a problem.
- No, no, no, I'm the victim! - You're goddamn right you're the victim! - I'm the victim! - I'm the victim! - Get out of here! You all right? You ok? Did he hurt you? He is an idiot van.
He didn't hurt you, did he? - Da.
- Good.
Good night.
Well, we sure raked it in at that benefit last night.
Yeah.
Who knew lesbians were such big tippers? It's 'cause we had that piper perabo-looking chick working the bar.
Coyote ugly, baby.
You know, speaking of ugly, exactly what look is your drummer going for? - Uh, gay.
- Yeah.
I was going to go along the lines of fabio with aids, but gay works.
Come on, guys.
You know he's just-- you know, he's trying to-- I guess he does look pretty gay.
That one thing though, those lainy dykesters just paid for all the repairs, all the damage.
I know, they're classy broads for broads who don't, you know, really look like broads.
Maybe we should just go back to a full-time lesbo bar.
Yeah.
Take out the urinals in the men's room.
Although I did see one of them piss in a urinal.
I didn't think that shit was possible.
We are not going to turn this place into a lesbo bar, ok? I'm kind of anti-lesbo right now, seeing as how my ex-girlfriend might be one.
Might be, he says.
Still can't believe mrs.
Needles blew derek.
What? Uh, no, no, no, when I said blew, I mean blew as in flew right past him to get to that lesbian chick.
Who she was just talking to.
Right, guys? We do not know what you are talking about, damian.
- No, my brother.
- Ah, nothing.
I'm only going to say this once.
I'm aware of the lesbian situation.
In fact, I myself am pro lesbo.
But from this day forward, the word lesbian and my wife will not be uttered in the same sentence in this house ever again.
Understood? - Got it.
- Got it.
But what if we use her first name? Just kidding.
Kidding.
Hello, boys.
- Hey! - Hey, honey.
Hey, lou, I brought some cake! Nice! I thought that maybe you guys needed something to soak up the copious amounts of booze that you consumed last night, and whoever tells me who left damian drunk in my elevator in his underwear gets the first piece.
Ma No, you could have caught an pneumonia.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
- It was lou.
- Lou.
- Thank you! - Oh, man! You know, it's ok, I'll cut it up for when you guys come back, ok? Oh, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, I want to get a picture of you in your little fire pants! Wait! Hold on!Hold on, hold on! Oh, damn it! Brand new! Come on, guys, hurry up.
Hey, listen.
We have a situation with katie, but, um, you have to go, so I'm going to wait here and we can talk about it later.
Honey, it's--you can't be here, because we're on our way to a fire, a there's a new regulation that when we're at a fire, nobody is allowed in the firehouse at all.
So you're gonna have to come back.
- When did that happen? - Yeah, tommy, when did that happen? It was a memo that I saw.
I'm gonna wait in the kitchen.
OK.
- What is wrong with you? - Just thinking of safety first, honey.
Forget that I even asked.
- Get in the truck.
- Yeah.
Hello.
Hi.
Well, I was just-- I brought this cake here, and I was going to cut it up for the boys, for when they came back.
And you know, lou keeps this special cake knife in the pantry 'cause he doesn't want it to get lost or, you know, used for something else.
You know how crazy he is about cake.
So that'S what I was doing.
Ok.
It's nice to see you, too.
Jesus christ.
You goddamned chump.
Lou keeps the good coffee hidden in the other pantry in a special spot.
He doesn't want tommy and the guys using the regular crap the other guys use.
And did I--did you say something? I thought that you had said something? - Who, me? - Yeah.
- No.
- Oh, ok.
Mmm, that is good.
You just texted me.
Yes, I did.
You know what, I totally agree with you.
This is ridiculous.
Good, ok.
Um, so how is damian? He is fantastic.
- Katie? - Oh, she's great.
Great.
Yeah, you must be nervous about, you know, him becoming-- Oh, god, it is so nerve-wracking.
But, you know, it's what he wants, so You know, I could only imagine.
How's the baby? Oh, the baby's fine.
Ok, so what just happened, what was that? That--that look on your face.
What, did I have a look? Yeah.
You know what, it was probably the look of, um, disbelief.
You lost me.
Yeah, it was disbelief in reaction to that, uh, strange little smile that crossed your face when I asked you about the baby.
Don't even try to act like you didn't have a little smile on your sour little puss before you answered my question about the baby.
I don't even know why I bother to be nice to you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that you being nice to me? Why don't you go to hell, janet? Aren't you already there? You spelled it wrong.
- Hey! - Hey.
Hi, ladies.
Wow.
Fancy meeting you two here.
What are the odds that you'd be here at exactly the same time, huh? That's really--ha ha.
I'm not interrupting something, am I?'Cause - No.
- Oh, good, good.
Oh, hey, is that the new cell phone everyone's been talking about?That's awesome.
What's a cunf? I, uh, just came by to say hi to the guys, so I'm actually late.
I'm gonna I gotta pick up my watch.
I left it at the, uh it's good to see you both, though.
You look great.
Both of you.
Oh, hey, I'm glad you're feeling better.
Thanks.
The correct spelling? If you wanted my husband so badly, why haven't you just taken him? If you want him so badly, how come you haven't taken him back? Guys! Hey, listen! All right, both of the broads are still here, they gotta be in the building.
Listen to me, guys! Hey, hey! - This is private! - Not anymore.
Get out.
We just came for the cake.
No, seriously, get out.
You know, not for nothing, but technically, I'm in charge here.
Tommy! Hey.
You--you guys want some coffee? No.
What we, you know we all know what we all, you know, we talked about this.
We--you know, I know that I have nothing to feel guilty or even defensive, is, uh, because you know, you and i talked, and you and I, it was we all, you know, agreed on this whole-- there was never a same day thing, everybody was an individual, um, thing.
And, you know, and no strings.
- We all--we all-- - Just stop.
- I'm just trying to remind all of us-- - Shut up.
No strings.
There are very definite strings.
Ok.
Would you agree? I would agree.
I would agree that there are now very definite previously unattached strings.
If you want to be a monday morning quarterback-- Just as far as I'm concerned, it is either her or me.
I think that's fair.
You know what, um, I either want a real marriage or nothing at all.
Ok, because this little charade, I'm done with.
I'm sorry, what? What did you say? Did you just, uh, call me a charade? Am I a charade? - She didn't say that.
- Is that what you're saying? - She was jut talking about all of - Tommy, just make a decision.
Because I have a question for you.
You better hold me back! Are you trying to say that me and tommy are some sort of a game? A game to you, huh? Tommy, just make a decision.
- Answer me! - Oh, my god!You don't shut up.
Yes, yes, it is a goddamn game.
You, me, him, us, this whole goddamn thing, and now the jig is up.
Get off me! - Honey - I'm leaving.
Oh, no, you're not! I'm leaving! Hey! I'm leaving! Wait! Oh, shit! Seriously? - Cunf? - Cunf.
What do you think she meant by that? Cake? No.
- Scissors? - No.
watch out! get down! all right all right there you go.
Come on, mike.
gotcha.
Nice, nice! That's it, kid, get it out.
Get it all out.
- I feel like soup.
- Yeah, I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Chunky? - Very chunky.
- Chunky soup all around.
Hey, hey, hey! I need to get in there! The building is gone, ma'am.
Not the first floor, I can see my window.
Jesus christ, you're gorgeous.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no, just relax.
- Do you have a key to the inside? - Yes.
Whoa, easy, easy, easy! Jesus christ, mike, come on! Get your ass up and get here out of there! The back! Check the back! Come on.
Italian 3l, I need a second alarm on this box.
Let's move.
Over here.
We're gonna need a line, guys.
Everybody's all right? - This ain't happening.
- Let's go around.
Hey, chief, we couldn't make the rail.
We're coming back around.
Copy, fall back.
Everybody fall back.
I thought we had everyone out.
You guys check your whole floor? Shit, yeah.
She said she was on the first.
Damian and I swept the first floor, it was empty.
Yeah, well, no one's coming out of there alive.
Son of a bitch! Jesus christ.
You ok, tommy? Ah, I feel like I've been neutered.
About time.
Holy shit, it was hot in there.
Thanks, guys, I'm all set.
That was awesome.
I wonder what the hell was in that box.
Probably my balls.
No, if they were your balls, she wouldn't need a box that big.
Walk it off, man.
My band's playing, we're totally gonna rock.
I suggest we pack the place full of totally hot chicks.
That's not a bad idea, actually.
Maybe you could have your girlfriend invite some of her friends.
You know, I'm sure she's got some hot phillies in her stable, right? Yeah.
And a couple of bulls, too, I think.
So you think I'm a lesbo 'cause your friends at work think I'm a lesbo? Hey.
I don't think that, ok? I've just been thinking about it.
I have needs.
You have needs.
It's mutual.
You're saying that you want to have sex with me - with no strings attached? - Yeah.
What, you're being intimate with janet and sheila again? - Maybe I am.
- Let me guess, it's a no strings arrangement, right? And it was their idea, am I right? - Yes.
- These are women, tom.
Women have--they got more strings than a goddamn baseball.
So what's up, man? When are you coming back to work? Soon, I think.
Doctor said I gotta take 2 weeks rest at home, then another couple weeks to get my strength back.
Dude, you know, you don't want to overdo it.
This whole experience has made me realize, I'm gonna totally overdo it from now on.
I'm just gonna live my life bigger, you know.
Wow! No sudden moves.
We don't want to frighten her off.
Ok, uh, who the hell is that and why is she looking for needles? Well that, my dear friends, is mrs.
Needles.
So needles got a russian mail order bride? I love you.
And when 2 people have that connection, you go for it.
You follow your first impulse.
Mine was to ask you to marry me.
It's the goddamn finals, lou! I know it's the goddamn finals, tommy! I've got 50 bucks riding on this! Your pieholes! - Hey, you getting the game on? - No, screw the game.
Dancing with the stars finals are coming on.
You bunch of queers.
Look at you.
Watching a bunch of hollywood pansies gliding around.
It's like figure skating without the skates.
And what the hell is this? Oh, it's a flyer for garrity's cancer benefit tomorrow night.
He beat the cancer.
Yeah, but he couldn't beat his medical bills.
So we're going to help him out by having a benefit down at the bar.
Ah, that's nice.
- Apache stone? - Yeah, that's mike's band.
Sounds like dances with wolves got a salt deposit in his kidney.
Thank you.
Ok, I've been saying that from the beginning.
Mike, you know I like your band.
But I think we can all agree-- the band name sucks.
Ok? Listen, when I was in high school, you know, we were thinking of maybe one day having a band and we came up with a name.
Of course we never formed the band, but I'm telling you, it's a cool name.
It's rock & roll, it's cutting edge.
That's what you need.
A lot of people don't even know the sex pistols' music, but you know the name of that band, right? That's what you need, something that's going to stick with people.
So get this-- the douchebags.
Hear me out.
Because you call yourself the dbs, right? Which is kind of mysterious and still rock & roll sounding.
But then when you get a little, you know, people are interviewing you and stuff, when they say, "what does db stand for?" You say the douchebags.
What do you think? Then everyone's going to think we're douchebags, tom.
- Oh, good, I got it.
- Yeah! All right! You guys watch posse full of pussies dancing.
I'm going up to my office to watch some football.
Yeah.
Hey.
Is that the defensive tackle from tampa bay? Yeah.
And he's teamed up with heather locklear, who's just out of rehab.
And he just got out of jail.
- He sure did.
- Slide over.
Anybody taking action? Lou is.
Put me down for 20.
Proudly Presents Season 05 Episode 17 How it's going? Hi.
How it's going? Ok, how are you? Oh, I've been better.
I just had a kidney removed.
Get a new line.
You know, I seriously did.
I'll show you the scar.
- What's up, bro? - Hey, man.
- How are you holding up? - I feel like shit.
- Because of the surgery? - No, the band.
I feel like I'm getting ear chemo.
- Me, too.
- Hey.
Hey, bro.
I hope you assholes are appreciating the level of talent that's showing up tonight, ok? We got some very smoking ladies here, and I'd say 70% of them are friends of carla'S.
So that means we can cease and desist with the my girlfriend's a lesbo talk, ok? Franco, first of all, it's ladies' night.
Second of all, look how touchy-feely they're being with each other.
It's just pretty goddamn gay.
And if 70% of these chicks know your girl, there's a pretty good chance that, statistically speaking, your girlfriend's a goddamned lesbian, son! Jesus christ.
You guys, I gotta get laid, all right? It's been forever, ok? I was sick and then I had the surgery.
It's been like 6 months.
I've been jerking off so much lately, any day now I'm going to yank my ass through to the front.
Hey, listen.
If carla's friends showed up and they were all a bunch of bull dykes, then maybe I'd start worrying that she was gay.
But that's not the case.
What you're looking at, son, is a flock of very fine lipstick lesbians, which means they're hot, possibly on the fence sexually, which means probably willing to play both sides of the line, which means you guys could be getting the same great sex that I'm getting with my alleged lesbian if you play your cards right.
Ok, well, I'm just going to check my penis at the door, 'cause clearly I won't be needing it tonight.
Thanks a lot.
- No.
- Hey, can I get another brew? - Hey, big lou.
- Yo.
Enjoying the scenery? Yeah, you know, usually I try to drink myself blind.
Tonight I'm going for deaf.
What, you're not a fan of apache stone? No, where's custer when you need him? Hoist your glasses, boys.
Your friend lou is getting hitched.
- Shut the hell up, really? - Yeah, yeah, absolute truth.
The girl asked, I thought about it, and then I took a page from garrity's grab the moment guidebook and I decided to go for it.
Live for today.
Live for today, yeah, but what about tonight? You never know, lou, something real interesting could walk through the door.
Oh, yeah, you know, be careful what you wish for.
Miss chechnya 2004 just drove up.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, and it looks like she's already had a few, boys.
A few dozen.
She's definitely got a foreign load on.
- Mrs.
Needles! - Mrs.
Needles! - Hello! - Hi.
How are you? Yeah, gesundheit.
Uh, sure.
America.
Yeah.
You are peachy.
Listen, tonight, keep an eye on your vagina because the place is lousy with lesbos.
It's the chief's wife! She doesn't understand a word I'm saying.
Watch.
I like doggie style.
Do you like doggie style? Absolutely.
Yeah, here's a question I've always wanted to ask a chief's wife.
Are you shaved or unshaved? Oh, that's too far, dude.
That probably means unshaved.
- Unshaved! - To being unshaved.
- All right! - Yeah! # Innocence, insincere politics, # # told by society, # # when does meet the end # Party! What are you guys doing standing around talking? You gotta get one of these chicks! Party! Oh, man, some people just make shitty alcoholics.
- Amen, brother.
- Sorry about the delay.
There's lesbians 6 deep at the bar, and I guess they like their booze.
I never wanted to thank you for anything, you douchebag, but I want to thank you for getting me drinking again.
For the first time in years, I feel like I got nothing to hide.
Yeah.
Other than the gay thing.
Hey, guys, no, seriously, listen up.
You know, we've had our fun.
We had our little trip down memory lane, tied a couple on.
Had a good but I think it's time to take it down a notch now.
You know what I mean.
Straighten it up, pluggin' the jug.
What do you say? Why don't we get out of here, go find a meeting? I'm kidding! Forget it! You're so serious, all of you.
Jesus.
You had me going there.
I thought you were serious.
Jesus.
I think I'm gonna take a stroll around the room, see if I can get lucky.
You know, there's only 2 problems with that.
They're all gay, you're all married.
So what if they're queer? I like a challenge.
And as for ellie, now that I'm back on the sauce, so is she.
She spends half the time passed out flat on her ass.
Which means teddy can do whatever the hell he wants.
Last night, I didn't feel like walking all the way to the can.
So I took a leak in the kitchen sink.
Some people might call that a blackout.
I call it my little pocket of freedom.
I'm gonna go get me one of those lesbos.
All right, good luck.
See, eddie, don't ever get married.
Oh, right, I performed the Ceremony? Hey, you know, talking of weddings, when were you gonna tell us all about lou? What about lou? He's getting married.
Got some chick named candy.
- You're shittin' me.
- No.
Jesus christ.
Party! Rock & roll! Well, at least he's wearing pants.
Ok, you're into chicks, and I'm fine with that.
To each your own.
Ok, I'm cool with that, all right? But I just found out that my girl, she had this chick on chick thing going on in the past, and, I'll be honest-- it's freaking me out a little bit.
- Is she pretty? - Of course she's pretty.
You have a number for her?Maybe I can talk to her a little, see where she's at.
Does needles know his wife is here? She's here? Oh, shit, it's an epidemic.
I hope he's not here.
He wouldn't be too happy about this.
- I'm conflicted myself.
- Yeah, me, too.
I don't know whether to jerk off or run out and buy a disposable camera.
I think I'm sobering up.
I need a refill, this guy never sees me.
I'm going to the other end of the bar.
You guys want anything? - Yeah, get me a vodka rocks.
- I'll take a vodka rocks-- So getting married, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Is that a problem? Well, you're marrying your ex-hooker, ex-thief girlfriend, you didn't tell your supposedly best buddy in the world? Gee, you know, and I wonder why I wouldn't do that.
You know, I mean, I tell ya, it may sound crazy, but listening to garrity's speech last week about, you know, just grabbing life by the balls-- Ok, lou, let me get this straight.
You're taking life advice from garrity now? Why don't you just take driving tips from goddamn billy joel, for christ sake?Jesus.
I was thinking a lot about what sean said, too, you know? About, you know, life's a gift and you gotta do what you love to do.
Absolutely.
That's why I decided that I'm going to put in my papers so I can focus on my music.
- Why is that funny, lou? - You're not doing that.
That's where my heart is, tom.
Look, I don't give a shit where your heart is, asshole.
Think about where your wallet is, ok? The fire department, all right? What's going on? Garrity puts 2 sentences together for the first time in his whole life and you guys are latching onto it like it's goddamn scripture? I'm gonna start latching on, too.
I mean, here I am asking advice from strange lesbians about colleen when I should be going straight to colleen and deal with the issues myself, and deal with it head on.
Right now.
It's time to live for today.
- For today.
- Cheers to that.
You see what I'm saying? Now I just want to be clear here.
You're going to marry the ex-hooker, just like ernest borgnine in the poseidon adventure, you are going to give up your firefighting career for a supposed career in music with Aband.
You're gonna go have a face-off head to head with a female gavin? Damn right.
Franco, you got any stupid shit that you have planned? - No, I'm good.
- Ok.
I say go ahead, boys, it's a new day.
But hang on for dear life 'cause it's gonna be one never-ending gimongous shit storm.
- Hello, boys.
- Hey, garrity.
- Hey, want to do me a favor? - Yeah, mean.
- Next time you get cancer? - Uh-huh? Die.
What--what did I do? Guys! I tried to stop them! You're supposed to be watching the door! I told them they couldn't come in, and they pushed right past me.
Calm down! Pushed past you-- who pushed past you?Nils? Oh, christ.
Batten down the hatches, put locks on the men's room door.
We got bull dykes.
Jesus christ.
I'm banging a gay chick.
Yeah.
Jesus.
It's like dykeapalooza in here.
Yeah, why can't these chicks show up when we have, like, furniture to move.
Yeah, when they could use their powers for good.
I heard they don't get their periods.
Where'd you hear that, asshole? - Chief feinberg.
- It's true! All right.
Holy shit, one of them just got mrs.
Needles! Oh! Oh, my god, I think I'm going to puke.
Yeah, well, just aim towards your drummer, will you? Ok, guys, if needles finds out about this, we're all dead.
We gotta break this shit up pronto.
All right, I got the chains.
Who's got a trailer hitch? Judging from the crowd, there's probably 5 or 6 parked right out front.
Hey, what's the deal with all the bull dykes? It's hard enough trying to make it with a lesbian.
I don't need this goddamn competition.
All right, well, we gotta get that blonde broad away from that one dyke over there in the corner.
I can take her.
Hell, I can take her right now.
I'm 3 and oh against dykes.
And I'm not talking about the soft bitches, either.
I'm talking lawrence taylor with a vagina type broads.
All right, well, you can distract them.
Mike, lou, you grab mrs.
Needles and meet me out front.
- Who's got a car? - Mine's a couple blocks away.
Grab it! Meet us a couple doors down in a few minutes.
You ready? When it comes to fightin' lesbos, I was born ready.
- You heard of mike tyson? - Yeah.
I'm dyke tyson.
Uh, you guys think we should go back him up? Yeah! Let's do it! Hey, samantha ronson, mind if I cut in? Yeah, that's right.
I know who she is.
What did you just say, shithead? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, I speak cock, which I know you don't understand.
You shouldn't have done that.
Come on.
Hey.
Where is she? - Who? - What do you mean, what? - Oh, she's gone.
- Gone where? She got lost in the fracas 'cause you were inside lollygagging.
My uncle's fighting a lesbian, you call that goddamn lollygagging? - Seriously, where is she? - I don't know where she went, she's gone.
Yo, guys, you're not going to believe this.
I'm in the hallway puking, and some hot ass blonde chick just gave me a blowjob.
- What? - No, I'm serious.
I've got to get her number.
- Where'd the hell she go, tommy? - He lost her.
Oh, shit! - Yo, come on, not on my rims! - Hey! You want to come get this crazy white bitch out of my apartment? Hey, don't touch that! That don't belong to you! Oh, lord, jesus! Hey, that's the chick that blew me.
I didn't get your number! Hey! What the hell are you two doing here? Special delivery.
- What happened? - She showed up at the bar.
Must have found one of those apache stone flyers lying around the firehouse.
And you two let her get blasted? - Hey, it was an apache stone gig.
- And she's the lucky one.
The rest of us had to listen to the band play.
- Yeah, us and the lesbos.
- There were lesbos? - Yeah.
You don't want to know.
- And bull dykes.
Why is she laughing? - Becausehere was a little-- - I don't want to know.
I can't believe you brought her here, to work.
Well, it was either here or the gulag.
- The russian embassy.
- I know what a gulag is.
You, watch her.
- In here, rasputin.
- Rasputin.
The way I figure, you kind of owe me a big favor.
So I would like you to stop busting my balls and holding all this shit over my head.
And by all this shit, you mean your excessive drinking, sex with your wife in the storage closet of this house, a physical altercation with a superior officer, namely me? And your general tommy gavin cowboy bullshit behavior? Yeah, that would be it.
So we're square.
Tom, come here.
We're not even close to square.
All right, what you did tonight was personal, and I appreciate it, I really do.
But everything else between us is professional.
The ball busting's going to continue.
- You understand? - Yeah.
- Good.
- Ok.
Professionally, I think I'm going to go down to the ins and just report that you might have a completely illegal alien as a wife.
- How's that for-- - Sneezy, sneezy, sneezy-- no, no, mrs.
Needles, mrs.
Needles, this-- this is not right! Me and you are square.
- Me and you got a problem.
- No, no, no, I'm the victim! - You're goddamn right you're the victim! - I'm the victim! - I'm the victim! - Get out of here! You all right? You ok? Did he hurt you? He is an idiot van.
He didn't hurt you, did he? - Da.
- Good.
Good night.
Well, we sure raked it in at that benefit last night.
Yeah.
Who knew lesbians were such big tippers? It's 'cause we had that piper perabo-looking chick working the bar.
Coyote ugly, baby.
You know, speaking of ugly, exactly what look is your drummer going for? - Uh, gay.
- Yeah.
I was going to go along the lines of fabio with aids, but gay works.
Come on, guys.
You know he's just-- you know, he's trying to-- I guess he does look pretty gay.
That one thing though, those lainy dykesters just paid for all the repairs, all the damage.
I know, they're classy broads for broads who don't, you know, really look like broads.
Maybe we should just go back to a full-time lesbo bar.
Yeah.
Take out the urinals in the men's room.
Although I did see one of them piss in a urinal.
I didn't think that shit was possible.
We are not going to turn this place into a lesbo bar, ok? I'm kind of anti-lesbo right now, seeing as how my ex-girlfriend might be one.
Might be, he says.
Still can't believe mrs.
Needles blew derek.
What? Uh, no, no, no, when I said blew, I mean blew as in flew right past him to get to that lesbian chick.
Who she was just talking to.
Right, guys? We do not know what you are talking about, damian.
- No, my brother.
- Ah, nothing.
I'm only going to say this once.
I'm aware of the lesbian situation.
In fact, I myself am pro lesbo.
But from this day forward, the word lesbian and my wife will not be uttered in the same sentence in this house ever again.
Understood? - Got it.
- Got it.
But what if we use her first name? Just kidding.
Kidding.
Hello, boys.
- Hey! - Hey, honey.
Hey, lou, I brought some cake! Nice! I thought that maybe you guys needed something to soak up the copious amounts of booze that you consumed last night, and whoever tells me who left damian drunk in my elevator in his underwear gets the first piece.
Ma No, you could have caught an pneumonia.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
- It was lou.
- Lou.
- Thank you! - Oh, man! You know, it's ok, I'll cut it up for when you guys come back, ok? Oh, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, I want to get a picture of you in your little fire pants! Wait! Hold on!Hold on, hold on! Oh, damn it! Brand new! Come on, guys, hurry up.
Hey, listen.
We have a situation with katie, but, um, you have to go, so I'm going to wait here and we can talk about it later.
Honey, it's--you can't be here, because we're on our way to a fire, a there's a new regulation that when we're at a fire, nobody is allowed in the firehouse at all.
So you're gonna have to come back.
- When did that happen? - Yeah, tommy, when did that happen? It was a memo that I saw.
I'm gonna wait in the kitchen.
OK.
- What is wrong with you? - Just thinking of safety first, honey.
Forget that I even asked.
- Get in the truck.
- Yeah.
Hello.
Hi.
Well, I was just-- I brought this cake here, and I was going to cut it up for the boys, for when they came back.
And you know, lou keeps this special cake knife in the pantry 'cause he doesn't want it to get lost or, you know, used for something else.
You know how crazy he is about cake.
So that'S what I was doing.
Ok.
It's nice to see you, too.
Jesus christ.
You goddamned chump.
Lou keeps the good coffee hidden in the other pantry in a special spot.
He doesn't want tommy and the guys using the regular crap the other guys use.
And did I--did you say something? I thought that you had said something? - Who, me? - Yeah.
- No.
- Oh, ok.
Mmm, that is good.
You just texted me.
Yes, I did.
You know what, I totally agree with you.
This is ridiculous.
Good, ok.
Um, so how is damian? He is fantastic.
- Katie? - Oh, she's great.
Great.
Yeah, you must be nervous about, you know, him becoming-- Oh, god, it is so nerve-wracking.
But, you know, it's what he wants, so You know, I could only imagine.
How's the baby? Oh, the baby's fine.
Ok, so what just happened, what was that? That--that look on your face.
What, did I have a look? Yeah.
You know what, it was probably the look of, um, disbelief.
You lost me.
Yeah, it was disbelief in reaction to that, uh, strange little smile that crossed your face when I asked you about the baby.
Don't even try to act like you didn't have a little smile on your sour little puss before you answered my question about the baby.
I don't even know why I bother to be nice to you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that you being nice to me? Why don't you go to hell, janet? Aren't you already there? You spelled it wrong.
- Hey! - Hey.
Hi, ladies.
Wow.
Fancy meeting you two here.
What are the odds that you'd be here at exactly the same time, huh? That's really--ha ha.
I'm not interrupting something, am I?'Cause - No.
- Oh, good, good.
Oh, hey, is that the new cell phone everyone's been talking about?That's awesome.
What's a cunf? I, uh, just came by to say hi to the guys, so I'm actually late.
I'm gonna I gotta pick up my watch.
I left it at the, uh it's good to see you both, though.
You look great.
Both of you.
Oh, hey, I'm glad you're feeling better.
Thanks.
The correct spelling? If you wanted my husband so badly, why haven't you just taken him? If you want him so badly, how come you haven't taken him back? Guys! Hey, listen! All right, both of the broads are still here, they gotta be in the building.
Listen to me, guys! Hey, hey! - This is private! - Not anymore.
Get out.
We just came for the cake.
No, seriously, get out.
You know, not for nothing, but technically, I'm in charge here.
Tommy! Hey.
You--you guys want some coffee? No.
What we, you know we all know what we all, you know, we talked about this.
We--you know, I know that I have nothing to feel guilty or even defensive, is, uh, because you know, you and i talked, and you and I, it was we all, you know, agreed on this whole-- there was never a same day thing, everybody was an individual, um, thing.
And, you know, and no strings.
- We all--we all-- - Just stop.
- I'm just trying to remind all of us-- - Shut up.
No strings.
There are very definite strings.
Ok.
Would you agree? I would agree.
I would agree that there are now very definite previously unattached strings.
If you want to be a monday morning quarterback-- Just as far as I'm concerned, it is either her or me.
I think that's fair.
You know what, um, I either want a real marriage or nothing at all.
Ok, because this little charade, I'm done with.
I'm sorry, what? What did you say? Did you just, uh, call me a charade? Am I a charade? - She didn't say that.
- Is that what you're saying? - She was jut talking about all of - Tommy, just make a decision.
Because I have a question for you.
You better hold me back! Are you trying to say that me and tommy are some sort of a game? A game to you, huh? Tommy, just make a decision.
- Answer me! - Oh, my god!You don't shut up.
Yes, yes, it is a goddamn game.
You, me, him, us, this whole goddamn thing, and now the jig is up.
Get off me! - Honey - I'm leaving.
Oh, no, you're not! I'm leaving! Hey! I'm leaving! Wait! Oh, shit! Seriously? - Cunf? - Cunf.
What do you think she meant by that? Cake? No.
- Scissors? - No.
watch out! get down! all right all right there you go.
Come on, mike.
gotcha.
Nice, nice! That's it, kid, get it out.
Get it all out.
- I feel like soup.
- Yeah, I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Chunky? - Very chunky.
- Chunky soup all around.
Hey, hey, hey! I need to get in there! The building is gone, ma'am.
Not the first floor, I can see my window.
Jesus christ, you're gorgeous.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no, just relax.
- Do you have a key to the inside? - Yes.
Whoa, easy, easy, easy! Jesus christ, mike, come on! Get your ass up and get here out of there! The back! Check the back! Come on.
Italian 3l, I need a second alarm on this box.
Let's move.
Over here.
We're gonna need a line, guys.
Everybody's all right? - This ain't happening.
- Let's go around.
Hey, chief, we couldn't make the rail.
We're coming back around.
Copy, fall back.
Everybody fall back.
I thought we had everyone out.
You guys check your whole floor? Shit, yeah.
She said she was on the first.
Damian and I swept the first floor, it was empty.
Yeah, well, no one's coming out of there alive.
Son of a bitch! Jesus christ.
You ok, tommy? Ah, I feel like I've been neutered.
About time.
Holy shit, it was hot in there.
Thanks, guys, I'm all set.
That was awesome.
I wonder what the hell was in that box.
Probably my balls.
No, if they were your balls, she wouldn't need a box that big.
Walk it off, man.