Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e18 Episode Script

1
Ooh. You guys got compatible lovers.
Hear that? Me and famed supermodel Iman
are compatible as lovers.
Inappropriate.
And what is this?
It's, uh, Celebrity
Celestial Sweethearts,
an app that determines
your compatibility
with celebrities
based on your birth chart.
- You wanna try?
- Hell yeah.
- Absolutely not.
- Okay, when were you born?
When were you born?
Okay, I'm in. Go ahead.
- Uh, and which celebrity would you like
- Stanley Tucci.
Naturally.
- Says you're doomed.
- [MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
See?
That's why I chose not to participate.
Satan cannot get in
if you do not unlock the door.
- Check Jon Bon Jovi.
- Okay.
Also doomed.
Man, you know what?
Mercury is in retrograde is
what's happening.
Try me and Stanley Tucci.
Okay.
Says you're soulmates.
[CHUCKLES, CHEERS] Up top.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
Looks like that's trash.
Oh, no. It's April Fools' Day.
- [AVA] Ugh!
- Ugh.
Dun dun da.
Time for the worst person you know
to think they're
funny all of a sudden.
I hate April Fools' Day.
People shouldn't have to go an entire
day in fear of someone pranking them.
Who even came up
with this holiday? Some
- [STAMMERS] idiot, that's who.
- Fool was right there.
- Speaking of fools, where is Morton?
- Ha!
[JACOB] Every April Fools' Day,
Morton goes above and beyond
with his terrible pranks,
which makes him
even more annoying than usual.
The only trick
I want to see Morton pull is
a disappearing act,
straight out of my life forever.
- Actually, he called out sick.
- All right.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Good. I'm glad he's not here.
That man walks around here
on April Fools' Day like he's the king.
Your coffee, Ava.
I thought I told you to curtsey
when you bring this to me.
Is this my favorite flavor,
or that terrible kind you like?
Yes, Ava, of course it's your favorite.
I'm just glad I can relax,
don't have to worry about Morton
and his god-awful pranks.
Mm-hmm. Remember
when he put toothpaste in the Oreos,
and I had to eat
five before I realized
there was no new fluoride flavor?
Yeah, or when he gave me
the fake scratcher
to make me think I hit the jackpot.
I had already put a deposit down
on my very own hot tub.
Well, with Morton gone,
I'm sure it's going to be
a very nice and pleasant day.
- [JANINE] Mmm.
- [MELISSA] Yes, ma'am.
Looking forward to
a prank-free day of peace.
We don't have to look over our shoulder.
- [JACOB] Oh!
- [JANINE SCREAMS]
- [MELISSA] Are you okay?
- Are you
Why?
[GASPS] Who?
Wha What on earth?
[AVA] What the hell?
You see, this is what I'm talking about.
Who would even think to do something
like this?
Somebody who doesn't give a rat's ass
about the environment.
I don't know. [SIGHS]
I kind of feel right at home.
Oh. Seems like the
culprit left us a note.
Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"You thought you were safe. You're not."
[ALL GASP]
Flip it one more time to see
if it's only addressed to you.
That is the handwriting of a child.
If it's kids doing this
instead of Morton, it's worse.
They're nimble and undivorced.
And there's way too many of them.
We'll never catch them all.
You need to do something, Ava.
We cannot have all of these pranks.
It's gonna disrupt classes.
Oh. That sounds like a teacher problem
that has nothing to do with me
because I don't get pranked. [LAUGHS]
Never have, never will.
So if you need me, don't.
I'm gonna lock myself in the office
for the rest of the day. Um
Keep the door to the teachers' lounge
locked from now on.
Godspeed.
- [BARBARA STAMMERS]
- [JANINE] Um
All right, well,
once again it is up to us.
Maybe we can talk to the kids
and get them to stop?
Mmm.
[GREGORY] You know what?
I'm not doing this all day
with these damn kids.
April Fools' Day needs to be eradicated,
and while I may not be able
to bring it down nationally,
I can stop the bleed
in my own classroom.
Action's imminent.
Ava, what are you doing?
What's it look like?
Captains don't go down with their ship.
I hate practical jokes.
It's why I became a prepper.
After all, what are
natural disasters if
not Mother Nature's cruelest pranks?
I got a reputation to uphold.
I don't get got. Got it?
Now protect me with your life.
Dia, don't walk away from me.
I'm walking to my desk.
Oh. Well, take your pulse
while I take my nap.
Is that an eye patch?
I have to sleep with one eye open.
Okay, so I know
that April Fools' Day is super fun,
but we need to focus on the fun
work we have to do here today.
I'm talking word problems people, right?
Now, who wants to tell me
[ALL GIGGLING]
Uh [LAUGHS]
That's great, guys. It's good stuff.
It's a good one. [CHUCKLES]
Okay. I take it back.
This is not a good one.
Guys, this isn't a good one.
What kind of glue is this?
Now, you know that I have gotten
into my fair share of shenanigans.
Like, when I was a kid,
I put a for-sale sign
in front of Pete Girardi's house.
And then someone offered his parents
a boatload of money,
and they had to move, which was
That actually was kind of sad.
But anyway, no one likes a
good time more than your girl.
- You know what I mean.
- [ALL LAUGHING]
It's not that funny.
Okay, that is going too far!
Cowboys? That's not funny!
That is not
Why won't it [SCREAMS]
Some things Stop laughing.
Some things are not funny.
April Pools' Day. Billiards, anyone?
I don't know if you noticed,
but your kids aren't here.
I did notice that,
but thank you, Mr. Johnson.
I'm trying to come up with alternatives
for April Fools' Day.
So what you got?
April Cools' Day.
It's when everyone turns up their AC.
It's pretty chill.
April Jewels' Day.
It's when you wear your favorite jewels.
Uh, this one's fun. April Rules Day.
[SCOFFS] I thought
you were serious about this. [CHUCKLES]
That's it.
Mr. Johnson, you're a genius.
Tell me something I don't hear everyday.
- I don't know who's gonna see me in that.
- Look!
- Oh, they got you with the glue, huh?
- Yes.
[CHUCKLES] You look like a little
samurai holding that thing. [SNIFFLES]
What did they do to you?
- Those little menaces.
- Yeah.
They hacked my smartboard,
- and they put me in Cowboys' gear. [CRIES]
- [GASPS]
Hey, Janine, give me a Kleenex.
I'm Uh
- Jacob, can you get it? It-It-It's a snap.
- Yeah.
[JANINE] It's really easy
if your hands aren't glued.
- [JACOB] Um.
- [MELISSA] Yes. Thank you.
You know what?
These pranks are worse than anything
Morton ever came up with.
Yeah, we're not prepared for this.
This is a whole other level.
- Yeah.
- [JANINE] Yeah.
Who have they gotten
so far? Me, Gregory,
- Melissa.
- Me! [CRIES]
I know they're saving a big one for me,
but I think I'm doing a pretty good job
at playing it cool. [SCREAMS]
I hate this day. I wish it would end.
Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Have they gotten to Barbara yet?
- [GASPS] Barbara.
- [JACOB SIGHS, GRUNTING]
[BARBARA] All right.
We are going to read
- [MELISSA] Yo, Barb.
- Are you okay?
Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
They're pranking us
with some serious heat.
Yeah, and you or I might be next.
Oh, nonsense, Jacob.
I am Barbara Howard.
These children wouldn't prank me.
- But, Barb
- [BARBARA] I thank you for your concern,
but I've got to read to my class.
All right.
- [FARTS]
- [STUDENTS LAUGH]
All right, now remember
we say excuse me.
That was you.
[SCOFFS]
[CONTINUES FARTING]
- Ooh. What is happening to me?
- [ALL STUDENTS LAUGHING]
Damn, Barb, what'd you eat last night?
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Oh, my God, this is her worst nightmare.
- [MELISSA] Ow.
- [JANINE] Sorry.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [FARTS]
[GRUNTS]
[ALL GASP]
Satan's vapors!
I have been got!
Damn, Barb, a whoopee cushion?
That's the oldest trick in the book!
To be perfectly clear, it wasn't me!
I do not pass gas at work or ever.
- Barb.
- Or ever!
A refined woman, such as myself,
does not break wind
She is the wind.
No, no.
Oh, this cannot be tolerated.
Look, I agree with
Barb. Look at my hands!
- Damn. You ashy.
- [BARBARA] Oh.
Jesus, is that leftover glue
or shredded skin?
It's funny you should ask.
It's a painful combination of both!
- These kids are ruthless!
- [MR. JOHNSON] Tell me about it.
They swapped my mop water for Sprite.
Mopped the whole third floor before
I even thought of doing a taste test.
It's lemony fresh,
but not the way you want.
Well, they still haven't gotten me yet,
which is somehow worse
than getting pranked
because every waking moment is
an anxiety-ridden nightmare,
which maybe is the prank.
- I don't think so, buddy.
- [MELISSA] Yeah, no.
Now what the hell are you doing?
If you gotta ask,
it's already over for you.
- [JACOB] No, I can't take it anymore!
- Oh, boy.
I'm-I'm gonna I'm gonna prank myself!
No, Jacob. God, no, no. The kids.
They'll call you Mr. Pee.
I don't have any other choice.
[MELISSA] Oh, God, no.
- [MELISSA] Oh.
- Oh.
The kids will think
I've already been pranked,
and that'll be the end of it.
- [MELISSA] Oh.
- [JANINE] Hmm.
Oh. You kids really did it this time.
Oh, God. I am so humiliated.
You made it look like I
Is that my bike in the trophy case?
[MELISSA GASPS]
- [MELISSA] Oh, my God.
- [JANINE] How?
- They dismembered her.
- [JANINE] Oh, my God.
Oh. They can't possibly do this all day.
"We can do this all day."
[GASPS] Oh.
Oops, I found a mistake.
See, this is exactly what
we're not gonna do today.
The mistake was thinking that it was.
Welcome to Serious Day.
Dia, what's happening out there?
Is it dying down?
Last I heard,
they put Ms. Gibson's desk on the roof
and filled the librarian's hat
with popcorn.
It's a bloodbath. This has got to stop!
[PA SYSTEM BEEPS]
Attention students,
happy April Fools' Day.
You've all had your fun,
but this has gotten out of hand.
People are scared, and
your beloved principal is in isolation,
so y'all need to wrap this up.
- [STUDENTS LAUGHING]
- Seriously, guys.
[AVA] I am offering 100,000 Robux
to be split amongst you
to cease the pranking immediately.
Thank you.
No, no, no.
These pranks have been too good
to sell out.
Besides,
I still have Robux saved from Christmas.
Okay, look,
I would never ask youse to snitch.
In fact,
I think these pranks
have been really clever.
Kind of things got your fingerprints
all over 'em.
Flattered, but I'm not the ringleader.
Yeah, but I bet you got the juice
to make it stop, huh?
So maybe we form an alliance.
Maybe you don't prank
the middle school teacher
who wears her glasses
in a super cool way.
It's not that cool. [SCOFFS]
Okay, fine, I'll give you
three bathroom passes
to use however you want.
Hmm Make it five.
- Oh, jeez, okay.
- Yeah, okay.
Can anyone guess
the first tradition of Serious Day?
Being serious?
Always.
Before you prank, you think with facts.
And then we prank?
No, no, no, no, no pranking.
The opposite of a prank is a fact,
and on Serious Day, we share facts.
Did you know
that the fear of a long word is called
hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Did you know
that the chicken is the closest
living relative to the T. rex?
[ALL] Ooh.
See, all of these things can make you
forget about April Fools' Day, right?
[ALL] Yeah.
Good, because we have
even more Serious Day traditions
to look forward to.
One,
staring contest.
Two,
thumb war, which is an act of war,
so it's very serious.
And maybe, just maybe,
we'll listen to a little SiriusXM.
[ALL] Yeah!
Put me in Commanders,
I don't care. Giants.
Put me in Patriots.
Okay, well, not Patriots, but Dallas?
- You don't do that.
- [JANINE SIGHS]
Today has been rough.
Tell me about it.
Do you know how many pee puns there are?
And I still have to reassemble
an entire bike to get home.
I-I just want to reiterate that
flatulence that you
all heard was not me
We know, Barb, it's okay.
You can sit down. The
room's been locked.
We're safe in here.
Oh. Thank God for that.
- I feel like I can finally relax.
- [MELISSA] Yeah.
["DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY" PLAYS]
Here's a little song I wrote ♪
You might want to sing it
Note for note ♪
- Don't worry ♪
- Don't worry ♪
[JANINE CHUCKLES]
- Be happy ♪
- Be happy ♪
Those little backstabbers
replaced my branzino
with a Big Mouth Billy Bass.
Backstabbers?
Yeah, I cut a deal with Courtney,
so they'd stop pranking me.
Can't make a deal with a prankster,
so egg on your face.
Oh.
- And flour on yours. Or is that
- [JACOB SIGHS]
Yeah, it's flour.
Wait a second.
How did this happen?
Teachers. We're the only people
with a key to the
lounge, which means
An adult is helping the children.
- [JANINE] Yes.
- [JACOB] Morton.
I bet this is all him from afar.
He lives in the walls.
Who calls out sick on April Fools' Day?
A sicko, that's who.
Somebody get him on
the phone and not me,
because I do not have
that man's phone number!
[JANINE] I got it.
[RINGS]
- [JANINE GASPS]
- Hi, Janine.
Wow, it's nice of you to call
and check up on me.
[JANINE] Oh.
- [MR. MORTON] Hey, Jacob.
- Cut the bull, Morton.
We know you're behind the pranks
happening today at Abbott.
[MR. MORTON] What pranks?
I've been in the hospital for days.
It turns out staph infection is no joke.
In fact, it's pretty serious.
Okay, well, that's good.
We'll talk to you later.
- [LINE CLICKS]
- [JANINE] Wha [SCOFFS]
Well, if it's not Morton,
who could it be?
Melissa, are you gonna eat that?
Okay, look,
if it's one of youse guys, just fess up
so we can start the scolding
and get it over with.
This has to be Ava.
No one else could pull this off.
How?
She's been locked in her office all day.
[JANINE, BARBARA] Yeah.
I find it suspicious
that Barbara hasn't
said anything since she passed gas.
- [JANINE GASPS]
- I did not pass gas!
And I'm beginning to think it was you,
Mr. Johnson.
If I broke wind,
everyone in here would know.
No, the pranks.
Oh. Okay. In that case. It wasn't me.
[JANINE] You know what?
I'm having a hard time believing
that it wasn't Jacob,
given how much you hate Morton
and his favorite holiday.
Really?
You think I would do this to myself?
Someone's gonna
think I'm doing whiteface.
That's true. It's not Jacob.
Well, maybe it's you, Janine.
- [MELISSA] Ooh.
- Me? I'm too short.
- [JANINE CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, it's true.
[JANINE, BARBARA] Yeah.
It was Melissa
"Ol' Shifty Eye" Schemmenti.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where's Gregory?
[GASPS] Yeah, he hasn't been got
since the Saran Wrap.
- Which he may have done to himself
- [MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
to throw us off his scent.
It's genius, really.
- Yeah.
- Handsome genius.
There is no way that Gregory did this,
all right?
He cannot stand April Fools' Day.
So let's get real. [CHUCKLES]
How well do you know him?
Really, really know him?
- Oh, my God, he did do it!
- [BARBARA] Oh.
Okay, now that we've learned
about the serious art of refereeing,
let's take a moment
to have a serious discussion
about the fun but strict rules
of basketball.
[MR. JOHNSON] There he is.
[GREGORY] There you go. Hold on.
You guys here to check out Serious Day?
I got to say it's a hit.
- Zip it, silly boy.
- What?
Yeah, we're here because we know
what you've been up to, slick.
We know a teacher's been
helping the kids with these pranks,
and you being cooped
up in your room all
day has just been a
little too suspicious.
Are you going gray?
How could you do this to us? To me?
Why would I be pranking y'all?
I was a victim too. Do you not remember
when I almost broke my neck
walking through Saran Wrap earlier?
Well,
that's what you wanted us to believe,
- but we don't.
- [JANINE] Mm-mmm.
I understand you lying to Janine,
but me, I thought we had something.
Now what's the
point of being principal
if you got to make your own coffee?
[SMACKS LIPS] These kids got me talk
to myself like some
kind of damn recluse
or a loser. [CHUCKLES]
Or Janine.
This tastes like vinegar!
Somebody tampered with this.
I've been pranked.
I just got got. But how?
Now who would have known to put vinegar
in my favorite
I know who it is!
Look, y'all, it's not me!
Janine.
I rode in to work with you this morning.
When would I have had time
to Saran Wrap the whole lounge?
[STAMMERS] Yesterday after school?
We rode home together,
and we watched The Steve Harvey Show.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. [CHUCKLES]
That episode was so funny.
See, Regina, she couldn't take a hint
that Ced and Lovita
[BOTH] They didn't want her
on the ski trip.
- And so Steve was like
- [JACOB] Guys, guys, guys!
Look, while I, too, enjoy the comedy
of the Steve Harvey program,
there is still a mystery afoot.
And if Gregory isn't behind all of this,
then who is?
Probably whoever's doing that.
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Oh, my God, now what?
Oh. What in the world
[GREGORY] All right, kids,
just take a serious five.
[PERSON GRUNTS] Somebody help me!
I'm a child!
- Oh, no! A child!
- [MELISSA] Oh.
Janine!
That voice does not belong to a child!
- Yeah.
- Where-Where's Janine?
- Janine!
- [JACOB] Who is doing this?
- It's her, it's her!
- Who?
Dia!
[COUGHING]
[JANINE] Wait, so [COUGHS] just
to be clear, there's no child in here?
- [DIA] No.
- [JANINE GRUNTS]
- Sorry.
- So it was you.
You're responsible
for all of these pranks!
Me and the kids.
When I learned Morton wasn't coming in,
I thought to myself, finally.
His pranks are weak,
amateur, and childish.
Wait, wait. Did you poison Morton?
You can be honest with me. I get it.
What? No.
Well, the man is in the hospital.
Is he okay?
Who cares? Let's get back to the point.
When he didn't come in,
I knew that this was my chance
to take center stage
and show you what real pranks look like.
I love April Fools' Day.
In fact, I was literally born on it.
Wait, so today is your birthday?
And we forgot it every year?
Oh, I see now.
Well
- Happy birthday to you ♪
- Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday. You're fired.
Really? After today?
April Fools!
[DIA] Now this was fun.
All right, everybody,
back up so I can clean this up.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Gregory, you want to tell us more
about this Serious Day thing?
Yeah, because I'm not going through
whatever this was again.
So Serious Day was an idea
that I got from Mr. Johnson.
I remembered as a child when I
was watching C-SPAN with my father
and my cousin tied
my shoelaces together,
and I just couldn't let that stand.
Not bad foam for a civilian.
Anything else before I head out?
No.
I just wanted to say
you look radiant today.
Did you do something new
with your lanyard?
- No.
- Oh.
So those pranks you
did were really good.
I was just telling O'Shon
we need to recruit you
to prank his landlord. [SCOFFS]
Begging for money every month. [LAUGHS]
Grow up, right? Am I right?
No.
So just to clarify. The pranks are done?
I don't know.
There might be one hidden around here
I probably forgot about.
Cool.
That's cool.
There isn't a hidden prank,
but she'll always think there is.
[GRUNTS]
- Are you sure you don't want a ride?
- [JACOB] Nah.
You might not know this about me,
but I'm a bit of a nerd for details.
Putting this thing together, I dare
say it's as easy as riding a bike.
[MELISSA] Mmm.
All right. She's back!
Come on, kid, let's go.
Yeah. Okay. Um
Right behind ya. [GRUNTS]
Could you Yeah, never mind.
sync & corrections awaqeded