Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e19 Episode Script

1
Principal Coleman,
we'd love to get your thoughts
on the spike in teacher
layoffs throughout the district.
Oh, I've got thoughts for days.
This Abbott Life has been
begging for a sit-down with Ava.
I was afraid it would go off the rails,
but they have some
really insightful questions.
I mean, this may be
our best episode yet.
But is this really how
you want to use my airtime?
Podcasts aren't for information.
They're for hot takes.
We love hot takes, but Mr. C thinks
we should keep things school-focused.
Yeah, I think it would be
best if we just kind of stay on
Well, I'm his boss, so overruled.
- No need to give me topics. I'll just go.
- Be our guest.
An actor's height should be
listed on screen whenever they appear.
Even if they're short?
Especially. I need to know
what I'm working with.
Music should not be sad.
But Giveon.
No, sorry, life's hard enough.
- Oh. Cheating is not a crime.
- [JACOB] Ava!
- On people or on tests?
- Both. [CHUCKLES]
I mean, you shouldn't do it,
but it's not illegal.
It's just a fact.
I can't wait
for our listeners to hear this.
[SIGHS]
I've already deleted the recording.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
[GRUNTS]
What about Rehoboth Beach?
Ugh. We really want
to try something new.
Yeah, somewhere neither of us have been.
Are you kids planning a trip?
Yeah, Gregory and I are taking
our first big vacation out of state.
Yeah, we want to go so far
we couldn't walk there,
- no matter how much I believe I could.
- Mm-hmm.
They're in the ideation phase.
Well, you know, you can't go
wrong with the Jersey Shore.
Just make sure that you call dibs
on your nickname first
'cause I was the original Situation.
Yeah, I think we want to go somewhere
a little more [SUCKS TEETH]
not the Jersey Shore.
- Yeah, somewhere with outdoor activities.
- Yeah.
Fine, have a bad time, see what I care.
Like day drinking on the boardwalk
is not an outdoor activity.
How about wherever your finger lands
on a spinning globe?
We know the perfect place
is out there for us.
Yeah, we'll figure it out.
My advice, just pick somewhere
good enough and make the best of it.
No couple ever agrees 100%
on the perfect vacation spot.
- Well, this couple can and will.
- [BARBARA STAMMERS]
Sorry, my bike got a flat this morning,
Elijah and I broke up,
and my kids won't stop
saying cream cheese bagel.
Janine and Gregory are all I have.
No designer labels.
Looks like a regular outfit, right?
Wrong. Those joggers, $900.
It's called stealth wealth.
Only another wealthy
like myself could clock.
Hey, hon, could I request a guest
pass for a Jonathan Pierce, please?
Who the hell is that?
Oh, he's an old student of mine.
Yeah, great kid, big, big success now,
which I can't help but think maybe I got
a little something to do with.
- Which field?
- Finance.
- Oh.
- And I knew he'd make it too.
Kid was always whip-smart, real hustler.
What's he drive?
- Ava, you have a boyfriend.
- [LAUGHS] Reflex.
Yeah, I'm gonna have him talk to
the kids, give 'em
a little motivation.
Well, do you at least
know his net worth?
- Barbara. Talk to your kids.
- Hmm?
They're throwing away your class snacks.
What on earth are you talking about,
Mr. Johnson?
I'm finding stray raisins
and cheese rounds all over the school.
Uh-huh. Well, it's not my children.
Mm-mmm.
They love their snacks and always have.
I know what I'm seeing.
They're gonna bring in the rats.
And when they bring in the rats,
what comes for the rats?
I haven't the slightest idea.
[WHISPERS] Bigger rats.
- Please leave, Mr. Johnson.
- Suit yourself.
But no one listens to the bald,
Black and beautiful protagonist
until it's too late.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Jacob, we figured out
where we're gonna go on vacation.
And you seemed so invested earlier, we
thought you should
be the first to know.
Thank you.
Yeah, well,
we are going to the Outer Banks.
Neither of us has been.
It's on Essence's top ten list
for vacation spots for Black couples,
- and it looks really nice.
- Well, I think it's genius.
I love the Banks.
Inner, Outer, and Elizabeth.
Isn't the Outer Banks where all
those white teens murder each other?
[SCOFFS] No thanks.
Have fun getting merc'd.
- Wait, that's just on the show, right?
- Yes, don't listen to her.
[CHUCKLING]
But just to be safe, if you do see a
white teen, maybe across the street.
- I do that anyway.
- Yeah.
Right, well, now that that is all
settled, it's time for the fun part.
The itinerary.
[SQUEALS]
Melissa, your rich son is here.
Man, I wish. I am not that lucky.
[CHUCKLING] Hey.
You are that rich though.
I know a $750 belt when I see one.
Stealth wealth.
It's great to see you, kid.
Ah, it's good to see you too.
Oh, man.
Everybody, this is Jonathan Pierce.
He was in the first class I ever taught,
- and he is in town
- On business.
from New York City,
but don't hold that against him.
- [LAUGHS] Say hi.
- Hey.
Okay. Well, you guys
have got it good. Okay?
Because I would not be where I am today
without Ms. Schemmenti.
I don't get sentimental about much,
but a former student coming back
and telling me I made a difference,
that's right up there
with an Eagles victory.
You know, Jonathan, some of these
kids have been talking
smack about math.
They think it's about as useful
as a fork in a soup convention.
Well, you know, I used to
think the same thing [SIGHS]
but things get a lot more interesting
when you start using math
to supersize your wallet.
$500,000 cash or lunch
with Beyoncé's husband?
Always take the money.
Jay-Z told me that personally.
[BELL RINGS]
Okay, everybody, hey,
don't forget your homework.
It could make you rich someday.
All right, you're the real deal.
How long you in town?
Uh, you know, a few more days probably.
Great. Come back tomorrow.
I wanna talk NFTs, ETFs, and W-H-Y
they're not making me any money.
Man, I am
I am just so proud of you.
You're talking to the kids.
You're a businessman.
Thank you. You changed
my life, you know?
Not everyone keeps it real with kids,
but you?
"Stick it to the man.
The system is corrupt,
so you got to get yours."
And I stand by that.
So I wanted to ask you a favor.
Yeah, sure, what's up?
Well, I was hoping that you could
write a letter about my character.
Oh. For like a job?
Close. For a judge.
Oh. It's for a trial?
- Not a trial. I got convicted.
- [STAMMERS] What happened?
A little crypto coin here,
a little NFT there, rug pull,
and suddenly people
want their money back.
- [LAUGHS]
- Anyway, I'm looking at nine to 36 months,
so I was hoping that you could
help me out with that.
I found a great vacation rental.
And it has a kitchen
in case you want to cook.
Ooh.
See, I have been
looking at hotels 'cause
I thought we can
then get room service,
you know, or weird knocks
at weird times of the day.
Okay, well,
what about a bed-and-breakfast?
- Perfect.
- Yeah?
- Best of both worlds. Yes. [CLICKS TONGUE]
- Mm-hmm.
Hopefully we can find one close to a spa
so then we can get massages.
- That'll be great after all the hiking.
- Mm-hmm.
Or before.
- Either-or.
- Right. Mm-hmm.
Oh, I also have the perfect route.
If we leave by 4:00 a.m.,
we'll get to the Outer Banks by noon.
Wait, were there no more direct flights?
We should have did that first
because those go.
Uh, I meant for the drive.
Oh.
Why would we drive when we could fly?
Flying's expensive.
Yes, but it's quicker, you know?
Which leaves you more time to relax,
which is the point of vacation.
Yeah, it's a, um
It's a really scenic drive though.
Some people say it's better
than the Outer Banks itself.
The I-95, it's great.
It'll save us a ton.
I don't really wanna drive.
I'm not really trying to fly.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- It's Jacob.
Oh.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
I'm on the edge of my seat.
Tell me the rest of your perfect plan.
[GREGORY, JANINE CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]
- We're still We're, like
- We're It's
We're working on it,
pretty much right now.
- Well, then why did you answer?
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Okay, so if Sally and Tommy
wanna get from door one
to door two as efficiently as possible,
they would take
a straight shot.
Less than eight hours, same vehicle,
the most logical route.
Hey, I couldn't help but overhear
your math lesson, Mr. Eddie,
and funnily enough,
I am teaching a sociology lesson
with the exact same characters.
- Second graders?
- Yeah.
Here are Tommy and Sally
smiling and laughing, right?
Having a beautiful and low-effort time
at the airport.
Until their flight gets delayed,
and then all that airport time starts
cutting into their vacation time.
[JANINE] Mm-hmm.
Which is much better than being stuck
in traffic for hours in a cramped car.
Well, Sally could throw
her feet up on the dashboard.
You know her feet can't reach.
- So
- Sorry, not sorry to interrupt, children.
Mr. Johnson,
we're in the middle of something.
[MR. JOHNSON] See that?
I've been stepping on raisins
and walking lopsided all day.
- And it's all your little faults.
- [CHILDREN GASP]
Excuse me, but nobody gets
to accuse my students
of snack crimes
without definitive proof.
In fact, I'm going to
end this right here.
Children, if you like the snacks that
I pass out, please raise your hands.
I love your snacks. They're yummy.
They're lying.
Mr. Johnson, I have been teaching
kindergarten long enough to know
when my students are lying
and when they are not.
This is a not.
So please go look elsewhere
because I have a lesson to teach.
Is it on gaslighting?
Because I know a few experts.
Mr. Johnson, Thank you, sir.
Thank you so much.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- [AVA] Is Jonathan here yet?
I got a hot new
investment to run by him.
Did you know you could put
money into your retirement?
Yes.
I did too.
It's just that he makes
it sound so fresh.
- Mmm.
- That man is going places.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, prison.
- What? For how long?
- Well, it depends. On me.
He asked me to write
a letter to the judge
because they got him
on some crypto thing.
But you know what?
All those finance guys do
that kind of thing, right?
- Yeah, all the good ones.
- Yeah.
So, I believe in second chances.
Hell, I'll give you a third or fourth
if my mother makes me.
It's the only reason
my sister is still alive.
Anyway, I wrote him the letter, so
You wrote a letter by yourself?
Humans don't have to do
that anymore, Melissa. [CHUCKLES]
I was cleaning up.
I found this trail of raisins.
I'm following it to see where it leads.
Probably to a giant rat king,
which would be horrifying and exciting.
[PANTING]
Oh, my God.
Hey, guys.
What's wrong?
- Nothing.
- Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought.
Elijah said nothing
right before he said everything.
We're just having some
disagreements on the itinerary.
Yeah, he wants to start a vacation
with an eight-hour drive.
Seven hours and 37 minutes.
I found a shortcut.
You know what doesn't need shortcuts?
Air travel.
Okay. All right. How about
Let's just take a breath.
Um, yeah, it's just a
just a bump in the road.
Yeah. There are no roads when you fly.
You two are
the greatest couple known to Jacob
and Abbott and probably the world, okay?
You can figure this out. I know you can.
You are Gregory and Janine,
super couple.
Nothing can stop you.
Okay, you know what?
Jacob, you are right.
You would've been right
without holding our hands.
Yes.
Yeah, we'll figure something out.
We got this.
- Yeah.
- That's right, you will! And, yes, you do!
[LAUGHS]
But in the end, who helps Jacob?
- What?
- It's about time you showed up.
Feast your eyes on this.
[BARBARA] Oh.
What in the world am I looking at?
- Mount Cheesy Raisin.
- [GASPS]
Remember what I've been saying to
you, and you've been
saying I was wrong?
My students have been lying to me.
And they've been lying to you.
You gotta do whatever
it takes to get yours,
'cause believe me,
everybody else is getting theirs.
Yeah, but you could also do
good things with your money, right?
Like you could give it to charity or
That is a great point, Ms. Schemmenti.
Kids, charities will go a long way
when tax season rolls around.
- Doesn't anyone ever come after you?
- Oh, yeah, they used to.
All the time. That's why I
do things the right way now.
See, when you're
looking for people to invest,
make sure they are vulnerable.
Like desperate even.
Okay, uh, class dismissed.
Uh, class started five minutes ago.
Then do your worksheet, okay?
Let's go. Ticktock.
[SIGHS] Man, it's just that
inspiring the youth inspires me.
That is a great line for the letter
if you're still working, by the way.
- Anybody need help with their math?
- [STUDENT] Uh. Yeah.
[JONATHAN] What you got
going on over here?
- Hey.
- [JANINE] Hey.
Okay, so I figured it out.
Oh, my gosh. [CHUCKLES] Great.
'Cause I'm still stumped.
I know you don't want to be
in the car for seven hours,
and I respect that, and I hear it.
So I have a solution.
- Flying.
- Atlantic City.
That way the drive is
only an hour and a half.
Oh. But I feel like that's a place
that we could still walk to.
Yeah, but it'd be like 32 hours,
still pretty far.
Okay.
But this option
cuts out flying altogether.
Absolutely.
I wanted to go to the Outer Banks.
[SIGHS]
[JACOB] Ah, there you are.
Gregory told me the problemo went adios.
My words, not his.
So, what's the plan, Stan?
Atlantic City. Problem solved.
Why isn't your beautiful smile
reaching your beautiful eyes?
It's great, you know. I just
I really wanted to go to the Outer
Banks. Out of the tristate area.
But-But Atlantic City is great too.
[SCOFFS]
That's it. I'm going full millennial
because you two are #couplegoals.
Waves got rough, you stayed the course,
and here you are arriving
on the coveted Compromise Island.
Which Elijah and I can't seem to dock
on, but maybe I
could bring the anchor.
- You're right.
- About what? I know I just said a lot.
Compromise is the key.
But what if there was
a better compromise out there?
Exactly. Plenty of
compromises in the sea.
- Let's go talk to Gregory.
- Ta-ta-ta.
I will talk to Gregory.
And maybe you should call Elijah?
- Aye, aye, Captain.
- [JANINE CHUCKLES]
Wow, big things ahead for those kids.
- Well, they loved you.
- Aw.
So, um, you got any big plans
for after you get out?
Any takeaways from this?
Yeah, lots of changes,
lots of room for improvement.
- Okay.
- You don't have to worry about that.
I'm worried 'cause I
looked up your case.
Senior citizens,
that's who you're scamming?
I mean, come on. You got any remorse?
You got any plans to make it right?
Oh, yeah, big time. All that.
Okay, so I I wrote the letter.
Phew. Thank you.
You know, it was no after no
until I was finally like,
"Hold on a minute,
who is the ultimate hustler?"
- Right.
- "Ms. Schemmenti."
Next time I'm coming to you first.
Okay, wait. [SCOFFS] Next time?
No, you're right, I'm not
gonna get caught again. No paper trail.
You taught us that back in the day.
I never taught you to punch down.
I taught you give them
a taste of their own medicine,
not make it so nonna can't afford hers.
Okay, look, I can't
sign off on this, kid.
No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. Wait.
You're right. No more old people.
I'll find a different group
for my next thing,
and I'll let you invest.
I'll give you a great deal. Okay?
Whatever it takes. I just
- All right. Listen.
- I need that letter.
You were a really bright kid, Jonathan.
But more than that,
you had a good heart.
And I know it's still in there.
So that's it?
I guess.
[SCOFFS]
[SIGHS]
Mr. Johnson.
I have spoken to my class,
and there will be no more snacks on
the floor or shoved into the cabinets.
- Where they gonna shove them then?
- Nowhere.
I've reminded them that snacks are
for eating and trash
is for the garbage.
Although who knows if I can even
tell if they're being
truthful anymore.
And I thought I had
them all figured out.
These aren't the kids of yesteryear.
Oh, honey, you got that right.
Between Pokémon,
YouTube Kids and the Zeus Network,
who knows what they're
learning on these tablets?
- Mmm.
- Tell you what.
I got your back as long as you got mine.
- Deal?
- Deal.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
For your shopping,
here's a list of snacks
that I've always wanted to try
that the kids might like too.
Most of them have been discontinued,
and the rest can only be found
in North Korea. [CHUCKLES]
I've got it.
- Got what?
- [CHEERS]
Okay, so I love how
you and I can compromise,
but I thought,
what if there was a compromise
that was a little bit more compromise-y?
[STAMMERS]
Okay, I guess I'll be open to that.
I thought that you would,
which is why [LAUGHS]
I went ahead and purchased
our plane tickets to the Outer Banks.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, we both wanted to go there.
It's the perfect place.
Money was the issue. I took care of it.
Uh, no, the issue was that we
shouldn't be spending money on flights
if we don't have to. It's a waste.
Well, it was my money.
I don't think it was a waste.
Look, you and I have
always had different
philosophies on money, you know?
You like to budget your tokens
at Dave & Buster's,
which I think is insane,
but we make it work.
Well, it works because my system
yields the best result.
Buying the tickets isn't a compromise.
All right, well, to
be fair, your idea
Atlantic City was a good compromise.
Except only you chose it.
It was a cheap idea.
I'd rather be cheap
than be bad with money.
- What was What was that?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
[JACOB] Are those the chirps
of my jet-setting lovebirds?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Ready to go?
- Ready.
- Yeah, yeah, let me, um
Hey. Did you send that
man to the slammer?
Okay, well, I didn't personally,
but I kind of feel like I did.
[CHUCKLES]
Come on. He is not your responsibility.
It's not like you're his mom,
his dad or his teacher.
Okay, you had me till the last one.
He's had plenty of teachers
before and after you.
Hell [SCOFFS]
maybe it was Barbara's fault.
[SCOFFS, SNORTS]
I just feel like he took
the wrong idea from
my lessons, you know.
No offense,
but you're not that influential.
If you were, you'd be getting asked
to write a lot more
of those statements.
I've written one
for every member of my family.
But that's family.
Look, this is how he wants you to feel.
The only thing scammers
love more than scamming
is blaming other people for their scams.
He did what he did.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
Thank you, Ava.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
It's what I do.
Now, did he happen to explain any of
the inner workings
of that scam to you?
[CLICKS TONGUE]
I'm not doing this with you.
I need to supplement my income.
I took a pay cut in my relationship.
[GREGORY SIGHS]
Look, I think we both said things
that we didn't mean earlier.
And I love you.
I love you too.
[SIGHS] All right.
So what are we gonna do?
I still think we can
make Atlantic City work.
Gregory, I don't want to do that.
Okay, well, then I guess we're
driving to the Outer Banks then.
- You're not hearing me.
- I am hearing you, but it doesn't change
the way I feel about spending
money on flights. It's irresponsible.
You understand you're calling me
irresponsible when you say
- No, I'm not. I didn't.
- You are!
- I didn't say anything about you.
- That's been the implications of this.
Janine, I don't want
to fight about this.
You think I want to? I don't either.
Maybe we just shouldn't go on vacation.
So what, we're never
gonna go on vacation?
I would love to,
but if we can't figure out
how to travel without pointlessly
spending money, then I don't know.
Okay, well, that's not a good sign
for our relationship.
Then I'm at a loss.
That's not a good sign either.
This shouldn't be this hard.
I mean, if we cannot
figure out something like this,
then how are we even
going to make it together?
We won't if we can't
get on the same page.
Then maybe we should break up.
[GREGORY SIGHS]
That was not, uh
I have no idea what just happened.
[WHISTLING]
What are you doing here so early?
I woke up on cloud nine.
Elijah came over last night,
and we got back together.
Life is good.
Thought I'd come in early
and take a gratitude stroll.
Feeling pretty grateful myself
this morning. [LAUGHS]
Now that I'm with Ms. Carol,
trash smells even sweeter.
I'm happy for you, Mr. Johnson.
And, hey, if you two ever need advice,
don't hesitate to come to me.
Stay out of grown folks' business.
I'm just saying, I've become
sort of the relationship expert.
Ask Janine and Gregory.
They're in love as a clam
all 'cause of me.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- [JACOB CHUCKLES]
Oh. That's Janine
texting me now. [LAUGHS]
[RETCHING]
Damn it, Jacob, I just put
a bag in that. [GROANS]
sync & corrections awaqeded