Ghosts (2021) s05e19 Episode Script

1
TAD: Jay, Mark,
I would like to discuss with you
my vision for Mountains
of the Valley, the world's
first upscale breastaurant.
I'm confused, Trevor.
I thought you owned the
trademark to that name
and you had refused to sell it to him.
Yes, but in the end,
Jay couldn't countenance
the alternative name
that Tad settled upon:
Boobs and Steaks.
So they asked me to let Tad
have "Mountains of the Valley,"
- and here we are.
- TAD: And how are we coming
with the menu, Jay? You
got my email about the lamb?
Yeah, I did.
Tad, it's just, you know,
the individual chops
are kind of my signature.
Yeah, got to be a rack,
otherwise it won't make sense
when the servers ask
if anyone would like
to see their huge rack.
Well, it's hard to argue with that, Tad.
And what exactly are jalapeño knockers?
That's for Jay to figure out.
But they're on the menu.
[SIGHS] Gabe, we have to
find a way to save Mahesh.
We can't let our
restaurant turn into this.
Okay, guys, I'll see you tomorrow.
[SHORT CHUCKLE]
Yeah, this is hell.
Who is that?
Nikki, the new barkeep.
She looks
very qualified.
Are you talking about those
strong muddling hands?
Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Calluses for days, am I right?
Oh, yeah. No mint is safe.
What do you mean, you're moving out?
I know this comes as a shock.
When I moved to the
basement, I considered it
a permanent and authentic decision.
But what can I say? My friends miss me.
[SCOFFS] Spare us, Isaac.
You moved down here so you
could run for ghost representative
as a basement dweller.
Now you don't need us,
so you're out of here. Fine.
Take your carpet and put it in your bag
- and shove it.
- Oh.
Well, this is emotional
for all of us. Hmm?
I, for one, will remember each
and every one of you fondly.
I'm back. [LAUGHS]
I'm free of those freaks.
[SNIFFS] Oh, do you smell that?
- I don't smell anything.
- Precisely.
Oh, it's good to be home.
Welcome back, Isaac.
SAMANTHA: Hey,
uh, Tad? I just wanted to
talk to you about something.
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
What if instead of
small, medium and large,
we offered our drinks
in a B cup, C cup and D cup?
I think this guy might be a genius.
Tad, are you sure that this rebrand
is the best thing for the business?
It's just, Mahesh is
very precious to Jay.
I mean, he named it after his dad.
I named the main character after my dad
in my classic noir film
Jimmy The Deadbeat.
- He must have been very touched.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Sons of bitches. Sorry, sorry.
City council is voting tomorrow
to officially remove me from office.
Oh, I thought that already happened.
Effectively, yeah.
It's just a formality.
But if the vote goes your way tomorrow,
you could be mayor again?
Never gonna happen.
Councilman Gus Heyward,
my nemesis,
is the deciding vote,
so unless he has a
miraculous change of heart,
I'm afraid you guys are stuck with me.
I always wanted to have a nemesis.
Well, what about your
friend who was sleeping
with your wife for all those years?
Oh, yeah. I guess I do have one.
- [CHUCKLES]
- SAMANTHA: Hang on,
if Gus did change his
mind and reinstate you,
is that something
you'd be interested in?
Yeah, of course.
Public service is my passion.
I just want to help people
and make the world better.
Hey, Tad, the tank tops came in but
they're not bedazzled like you wanted.
TAD: Seriously?
I spent 20 minutes on
the phone with that guy.
I sent him multiple sketches.
Sorry, excuse me.
This is interesting.
Sam, it seems like if you can get Tad
his mayorship back, he'll
drop the whole restaurant idea.
Whoa, ho, let's just take a beat.
What about Nikki? She just got this job.
Is anybody thinking about her?
'Cause I'm thinking about her.
I'm I'm thinking
about her quite a bit.
SAMANTHA: We got
to talk to this councilman,
see if we can change his mind.
Now, hold your horses.
You want to flip a politician,
- you're gonna need some leverage.
- What do you mean?
I'm talking about dirt.
Who is this guy? What's he hiding?
Everybody has something
they don't want someone
- to know.
- Like my unpermitted deck.
I mean, I would've
done just about anything
to keep that from coming out.
The stairs weren't even
to code, God forgive me.
That makes a lot of sense, Joan.
I'm gonna go do some
digging on this councilman,
see if we can find anything useful.
It's like she doesn't
care about Nikki at all.
[SCOFFS] Heartless.
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
Isaac!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just can't seem to fall asleep.
Perhaps I'm out of
practice sleeping lying down.
In the basement, we sleep standing up.
Like cattle. Or horses.
Also, giraffes. Which,
as I understand them,
are kind of like tall, orange donkeys.
Look, I've got a big day tomorrow.
The new Peoplemagazine is arriving,
and I'm hoping for a Chalamet cover.
Oh. Wait, what happened to Momoa?
Oh, hunks are over. It's all
about hot rodent men now.
"Hot rodent men."
Okay, good night.
[GROANS]
I swear to God.
JOAN: Oh, God, this takes me back,
digging up dirt on a bigwig.
A politician with a dark past.
Classic noir stuff.
This guy's a saint.
Councilman Gus Heyward
volunteers at church,
fundraises for the Salvation Army,
fosters disabled dogs.
Boom. I got a parking ticket in 1996.
Is that anything?
Not exactly a dead
hooker, but it's a start.
Happy blackmailing,
everyone. How's it going?
JOAN: We've got bubkes.
This guy's cleaner
than Orson Welles' plate
after a steak dinner at Musso's.
She has a way with words.
I don't know what any of them mean,
but I like how she says 'em.
Wait, is that the guy?
- That's Gus?
- SAMANTHA: Yeah.
- Why?
- Because I've seen him before.
And if we need dirt,
oh, boy, I got a whole truckload.
Enough to get the mayor his job back?
And then some.
Oh! I got a second parking ticket.
A pattern emerges.
Just tell us, Pete. What
do you have on Gus
that would be so damning
that he would have
to reinstate Tad as the mayor?
Well, I will tell you
right after a patented Martino drumroll.
- I saw him in an orgy.
- Oh.
- What?
- You remember months ago
when we snuck into the
Farnsbys' media room
to move that bookshelf so that Thor
could watch his son get married?
We do have fun.
Yes, I remember. I jumped out the window
and I ran home to cancel our
Ever Creek water subscription.
Well, after you left, you'll
recall Jay was stuck in a closet
while your friends, who were
renting the Farnsbys' home,
put on a DVD of what they
thought was the movie Swingers.
But it turned out to be a sex tape
of people who actually were swingers.
Bingo,
a septuagenarian orgy,
one of the stars of which
was our friend Gus right here.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Jay, Gus was in that
amateur porn video you heard
in the Farnsbys' closet.
Oh, God.
That haunting knee
clicking? That was Gus's.
A click, a clack, a romp in the sack.
She can really sell some gibberish.
But, babe, none of this is good to us
unless we can get some hard evidence,
no pun intended.
Yes.
My guy's not afraid to go blue.
Well, we better get that tape.
Or we could accept that
Mahesh had a good run,
and Nikki gets to keep her job.
Who are we to play God?
So we'll get the tape.
- Yeah, we'll get the tape.
- Great.
Suddenly, Ward
McAllister opens his mouth
and vomits all over Alva
Vanderbilt's birthday cake.
Oh, and that's when I realize
- the clams have turned.
- [YAWNS]
Am I boring you?
I'm sorry, Hetty, I I
didn't get a wink last night.
I've been in the basement so long,
I think I've grown habituated
to their unusual nocturnal customs.
HETTY: Hmm.
You've been institutionalized.
Excuse me?
In 1876, my mother
made an offhand comment,
admitting to feelings of sexual longing.
She was thus diagnosed with hysteria
and whisked away to the local asylum.
- Naturally.
- Upon her return 18 months later,
she had grown accustomed
to the ways of the asylum,
and it was now home where
she felt a strange unease.
Yes.
That's exactly how I'm feeling.
So what did you do?
Well, we realized she
needed to be weaned,
so for a time
we brought a taste of the
asylum back to Woodstone.
To help Mother go to sleep,
my sister Margaret and I
would wail psychotically
outside her door.
Interesting. So you're
saying I should bring
some of the basement upstairs,
at least until I've weaned
myself of their ways.
Indeed. Exactly.
Genius.
Thank you.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes.
Oh, it was a dangerous
summer for shellfish.
GARRETT: I'm surprised
you wanted to borrow a DVD.
Don't y'all have streaming over there?
I'm more of a physical media guy.
Me, too. Though I got
burned bad by Betamax.
How did VHS win?
It's a slightly inferior platform.
Oh, there's so many to choose from.
I think I'll just go with
some of the classics.
Uh, Master and Commander.
Oh, Die Hard.
Whatever this is
and Sudden Death
starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Uh, wait, that one's
not actually Swingers.
And Die Hard'snot
what he thinks it is either.
It's fine, whatever.
No, you really don't want to see that.
Well, that's what they
said about Batman Forever,
but guess what. I loved it.
It's the Farnsbys having sex
with a bunch of old people.
I can handle it.
What?
Thank you, see you later.
So, how's married life?
He snores so loud.
Yeah, Vikings.
ISAAC: Okay, Hetty,
that's perfect.
Pete, don't be afraid
to scoot right in there.
All right, now, Sass, feel
free to relax that posture.
We're looking for a nice,
casual slouch, all right?
That's it.
What the hell's going on here?
Hmm? Oh. [LAUGHS]
Well, uh, Hetty helped me see
that I had become institutionalized,
so in order to wean myself,
I've decided to temporarily recreate
the basement sleep experience upstairs.
Don't mind us, we'll just be
standing here quietly
watching you sleep.
ISAAC [LAUGHS]: Oh, it won't be quiet.
No, the subterranean sleep experience
- is a symphony of bodily noises.
- What?
Well, for example, Nancy died
with pus blocking the
majority of her nasal canal,
creating the most soothing nose whistle.
Hetty, I'm gonna need
you to recreate that.
Oh, unfortunately, cocaine
obliterated my septum.
The air blows through it
like a breeze through a mountain pass.
[SIGHS] Okay. Well,
there's also a scent element.
Did anyone die having
recently eaten an onion?
Creepy Dirk did, and that pungent aroma
has become a bit of a security blanket.
You know, Isaac, these
requests are a little more specific
than I anticipated.
I kind of just thought
it would be clumping.
So that's a no to the onion?
Okay, well, somebody
has to be in charge
of the bedtime stories,
and the main character's
name has to be Isaac
because that is how the
Trunk would always do it.
I think I'm out.
What? No.
I thought this would
be, like, funny weird,
but now it's just kind of sad weird.
- Okay, bye.
- ISAAC: Sass,
you can't leave. Three is not a clump!
All right. Alberta, you're in.
[SCOFFS] Dream on, Isaac.
I wish I could.
I wish I could.
JAY: Well, thank you
for meeting with me, Councilman Heyward.
Always happy to sit with a constituent.
Unfortunately, we've
seen your happy face,
and that's not it.
Now, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
I'm volunteering at a
soup kitchen this afternoon.
But what can I do for you?
Well, uh, sir,
I'm a colleague of the
soon-to-be former mayor's,
and I would like you to reconsider
stripping him of his mayoral duties.
We have seen him strip people before.
See, you're not the only
one who can do wordplay.
Look, it's a shame
what happened with Tad,
but he violated the trust
and faith of this community.
And unfortunately my hands are tied.
Not even gonna touch that one. Too easy.
Okay, I'm gonna cut right to the chase.
Tad is turning my dream restaurant
into an upscale breastaurant
and making me invent
jalapeño knockers,
so I'm going to slide
a DVD to you now
that will make you reconsider.
Aw, baby's first blackmail.
What is this? Swingers?
Well, it's not the Vince
Vaughn love letter
to the Los Feliz of the '90s.
That is septuagenarian porn.
It's an orgy filmed at the Farnsbys'.
Oh, no.
That got his attention quicker
than Ms. Farnsby walking
in with a riding crop.
Look, I could get Tad
his mayorship back,
but that won't fix things.
There's someone else
who wants Tad taken down,
and she'll stop at nothing.
[GASPS] A mysterious femme fatale.
The plot thickens.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the person who told me
about Gate-gate in the first place.
The whistleblower.
She's desperate to end
Tad's political career,
and she's got more dirt
where that came from.
Well, who is she?
I can't tell you that.
And now that I have this,
I don't have to.
And you won't be able to prove a thing.
Dude, I have copies.
Oh.
Can I have those?
No.
Okay.
In that case, I'll tell you.
The whistleblower is
Tad's wife.
JOAN: The wife did it.
Classic twist.
But tell me more
about this breastaurant.
Is there a back room,
and do you rent it out to large groups?
Okay, yes, I was the one
who turned Tad in for Gate-gate.
You enjoying your food?
It's delicious.
Who are you talking to?
Oh, I I'm a ghost.
I thought you knew.
Worked at Pizza Barn back in '05.
Four restaurants ago.
Didn't you see the
check spike in her back?
What's delicious?
I was talking
to you. The betrayal.
The betrayal is delicious.
JAY: Mm, she is
a big fan of betrayal,
which, you know, keeps me on my toes.
So, circling back, why did you sabotage
your own husband's political career?
I did it for our marriage.
After our daughter went to college,
it was supposed to be our time.
We always said we'd
sell the house, buy a boat,
sail to the islands, but
our time never came.
Love your outfit.
PETE: They're clearly in a conversation.
Have some ghost-to-Living etiquette.
MELANIE: After he
sold the car dealership,
then he ran for mayor.
I saw even less of him then.
So you took him down, but then,
instead of spending more time with you,
he just dove into a new project.
Exactly.
He's never going to stop working.
She's a bit of a bummer, but
you've got to feel for the broad.
[SIGHS]
- [CHUCKLES] Melanie.
- MELANIE: Tad?
What are you doing here?
I'm picking up my moo shu pork.
Jay recommended this place to me.
Jay, you recommended this place to Tad
and suggested it to Melanie
for our secret meeting?
Well, it's a great place, but
they're not doing very well.
I'm just trying to support them.
- What's she talking about, secret meeting?
- [MELANIE SIGHS]
I'm tired of this.
Tad.
I'm the one who blew
the whistle on Gate-gate.
What? How could you?
Because I miss you.
It's actually kind of
sweet, if you think about it.
Who cares? You ruined
my political career.
[SIGHS] I can't believe
you'd do this to me.
So, do we think that moo
shu pork is up for grabs?
- Jay.
- Well, I don't want it to go to waste.
[GHOSTS SNORING]
- Isaac.
- No, shh, shh. Back to sleep.
Hey.
- No, no, let's just
- STUART: Isaac, you're back.
Hey, everyone, Isaac's back.
Oh. Look who came
crawling back, standing up.
No, no, no, no, I'm not back. I
simply want to sleep with you.
- Listening.
- Uh, no, I mean,
I've been having
trouble sleeping upstairs,
so I thought I would just come
down here to get some shut-eye.
Yeah, right. I know what this is.
- You miss us.
- [ISAAC SCOFFS]
Yeah, right. What do I miss, hmm?
Dirk's onion breath?
Stuart's idiotic
pontificating about wood?
The warm, womb-like
security of the clump?
Okay, fine, I miss you
freaks. There, I said it.
Isaac, just because you
don't live down here anymore
doesn't mean you can't come visit.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
We have an open-door
policy down in the pit.
Mostly because someone
nailed a door shut
to make sure we died in here.
- Yeah, you're always welcome.
- Yeah.
Oh, there's that onion
breath I've missed so much.
Oh, what do you say, one more overnight
- for old times' sake, hmm?
- Come on, clump up, buddy.
[NANCY AND OTHERS SIGH]
[ISAAC SIGHS]
[GHOSTS SNORE]
So I could be mayor again
because Gus goes to senior sex parties?
I know you're processing a lot,
but, yes, that is pretty
much the gist of it.
Are the parties just for seniors?
Or do young people
just choose not to go?
TAD: I don't know.
With my marriage falling apart,
maybe it's better to just turn the page,
launch this restaurant. I mean,
you nailed these jalapeño knockers.
Idea what if they were served
in a bra basket that the
customer had to unclasp?
We are watching a
once-in-a-generation talent.
And the clasp is an onion ring.
- What a mind.
- SAMANTHA: Uh, Tad,
there's someone here to see you.
I came to apologize.
It's true, I've been unhappy,
but I never should have
blown the whistle on Gate-gate.
In my defense, I had just
polished off a box of
white zin. [LAUGHS]
She'd probably get along really well
with that wino Lucille Ball.
- [CHUCKLES]
- TAD: Honestly,
I'm not mad at you. You were desperate.
And it's true, I I
I do love my work.
But I also love you,
so I'm not sure where that leaves us.
Well, here's a "cake and
eat it, too" suggestion.
He wants to work, she wants
to spend more time together.
What if they took a page out
of the Sam and Jay playbook
and worked together?
What if there was a way
that you could still be mayor
and also spend more time together?
By being like me and Jay?
- What do you mean?
- Cash-strapped?
- Inept at business?
- Friendless?
Maybe you could work
together at the mayor's office.
Oh, I would love to
work with Tad, but
I don't know if I'm built
for the world of politics.
I don't know, that was pretty
manipulative and underhanded,
the way you derailed Tad's career.
That's true.
She could be your chief of staff.
Oh, uh, I already have one.
Not after you throw Jeremy under the bus
for any residual Gate-gate fallout.
My God, that came to her easily.
I like it. We're gonna
do great things together.
We could even do some traveling,
like you wanted, but on the city's dime.
He heard he's getting his
job back five seconds ago,
and he's already
knee-deep in new corruption.
JAY: Oh, no.
You probably won't
have time to be the mayor
and run a world-class
breastaurant, though, huh?
That's true, but I don't want it
happening without me. [SIGHS]
I'm gonna have to pull the
plug on Mountains of the Valley.
You can still put jalapeño knockers
on the Mahesh menu if you want.
Thank you. I will take that
under serious consideration.
Thank you guys for everything.
TAD: We got to go,
but we'll write you from St. Kitts,
where we'll be on a catamaran,
working tirelessly for the
people of Ulster County.
And in the end it all worked out.
The girl got the guy,
the guy got the job,
and I got to smell something
called moo shu three ways.
Which, ironically, was
the name of the move
Gus was doing on that tape.
NEWSCASTER [OVER TV]:
Well, it seems that Mayor Tad
has somehow survived
the Gate-gate scandal
and will not be stepping
down anytime soon.
Oh, good news for Tad, bad
news for jalapeño knockers.
Yeah, sorry, Trevor.
This is a setback for the
upscale breastaurant industry
as a whole.
But we have been through
worse and we will be back.
And in a surprising twist,
Tad's return to office was aided
by a longtime political
foe Gus Heyward.
I caught up with the city
councilman earlier today.
That's the thing about politics.
You never know when people
are going to come together.
That language felt purposeful.
- I think you're probably reading into it.
- My point is,
you have to be flexible.
Sometimes you just have
to reach across the aisle
and give someone a hand.
Okay, well, there's
no reading into that.
Okay, yeah, this guy's a freak.
He did that same wink on
the tape. Ugh, it haunts me.
NEWSCASTER: And now let's turn it over
to brand-new Channel Five
weatherwoman Nikki Snow.
A cold front is expected to
move in over the next few days.
Wait, is that the bartender
from Mountains of the Valley?
- Yes.
- Glad she landed on her feet.
Can't keep that kind of talent down.