Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e20 Episode Script

1
Morning, sleepy head.
I made you a coffee.
- How'd you rest?
- [GROANS]
Good. Fine. Yeah.
Hey, that's good.
I haven't slept a wink in days.
Well, as you know, me
and Janine broke up.
It's been an emotionally rough
couple of days, still processing,
but I wanted to do the right thing
and give her some space.
So, I'm staying with Jacob
and Melissa and Caleb.
To be honest, I don't really know
what's going on.
I'm just putting one foot
in front of the other,
but no one is taking
it harder than Jacob.
[MELISSA] Morning.
Okay, this ain't a Motel 6,
and I ain't a maid.
So why don't you pick up your crap
instead of standing there
looking like a wartime widow.
- [CALEB] Morning.
- [GASPS]
Good morning, sunshine. [GIGGLES]
Ooh. Dude, we gotta get you
out of this funk, man.
Are you time?
What?
Are you time itself?
Because that is the only thing
that will get us out of this funk.
Hey, um, does anybody need the bathroom
or can I hop in the shower?
Gregory, I would sooner piss my pants
than get in the way of you doing
whatever you need to do, okay, buddy?
Yeah.
Okay, we are all suffering under
the weight of an immeasurable loss.
Everyone's just bopping around here
like nothing's happened.
[STAMMERS]
I'm with you, man. I'm feeling this too.
- Good.
- [MELISSA] Who wants smiley face omelets?
Ooh!
[SING-SONGY] Your smiley face boy does.
[SIGHS]
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
Mmm. Good morning.
Hey, good morning. How'd you sleep?
Your couch continues to suck,
but I took enough edibles last night
to sleep pretty much anywhere,
so I'm feeling pretty great.
- Good.
- How about you? How are you feeling?
Uh Bad, sad.
I don't know. Honestly, I
think I'm still in shock. So
After I said we should break up,
Gregory and I just spent
the rest of the night in silence.
And then in the morning,
he said he was gonna give me my space.
I didn't think our
first big fight would
be our last big fight.
But I don't know.
Well, at least you get to go to work
and take your mind off things.
He works next to me.
And that's on you, bitch.
Who told you to date a coworker?
But things will get better, I promise.
Yeah. And I think I'm gonna brave
the teacher's lounge today.
There you go.
Thank you so much for staying here
and just being with me.
Please, where else
would I be? [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, so my lease
was up on my old place,
and my new one doesn't start
for another week, so
But I'd be here anyway
because Janine is my girl.
But the timing really did
work out for me personally.
I mean, he almost ran me off the road.
- I'm telling you.
- Ridiculous.
[CHATTERING]
Janine.
I know you're going through a breakup,
but you know the rules.
You can't sit here.
Yeah, it's nothing personal, kid.
It's like a seniority thing.
This is the big kids' table.
- I know. Okay. I'm sorry.
- [MELISSA] Okay.
[MELISSA] Yeah.
Morning, Gregory.
- Sir, you know the rules.
- Hey, whoa. What are you doing?
I just need the chair.
- It's for my bag.
- It's for her bag.
Oh, I am verklempt.
You know, in all these years,
I never sat by this window.
I could use some vitamin D.
Only took 15 years,
but I finally got my seat back.
[LAUGHS]
What the hell going on in here?
In the words of Chinua Achebe,
"Things Fall Apart." Love is no more.
Somebody that knows
how to answer a question, please?
Gregory and Janine broke up,
and I got my seat back.
Wh When?
Just now.
- What?
- They broke up last week.
The number four couple in the school
breaks up and it
doesn't cross my desk?
That's prime-time gossip.
I got to get to my classroom.
I love choosing sides, but don't worry,
I'm team Janine. For now.
Oh. That really isn't necessary, so
What an incorrect opinion.
You're single now, which I used
to be great at. We're going out.
You know, I actually need
to get back to my classroom too, so
And it's Thursday.
That's dance night at Rubenstein's.
What a great day.
Can you two do something
about this, please?
- Nope.
- Jacob, those are young people's problems.
And as you correctly pointed out,
we ought not to get our noses in the
business of young people's love lives.
Hey, this is serious, okay?
It's not a joke.
Do you see me laughing?
Do you see anyone laughing?
- [LAUGHING] Oh, my gosh.
- [MELISSA LAUGHING]
Yeah, you, like, spit
when you said that.
Yeah.
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Oh. Mr. J, don't forget
the white cheddar popcorn for tonight.
Like I'd remember.
Mmm?
Oh, we're just gonna watch that, uh,
latest Avatar movie,
that Fire and Ash.
- God, I wish Pandora was real.
- [GASPS]
Ooh, I saw that trailer. Mm-hmm.
And I love that shade of blue. I'd join.
[MELISSA] Yeah.
Okay, Barb, whom I love, just can
be a little tough to
watch a movie with.
She asks too many damn questions,
but at least she'll be a buffer.
I thought I was going to have to build
a pillow wall between me and Melissa.
Did you think we were
watching the movie in bed?
[SCOFFING] That's what you thought.
Okay, you guys have a good day.
Buck up, because
we're going out tonight.
Stand down 'cause no, we are not.
He doesn't need to go out.
- He needs to stay in.
- Hey!
I told you guys not to come in here
at the same time. Somebody go.
The best way to get over a girl
is to get under
- Whoa, don't.
- the spell of a DJ.
- Oh.
- I'm good.
Listen, I know what
you're going through, okay?
I've broken up with five women
seven times this year alone. Trust me,
the club is the best medicine.
Okay, he's not trying
to meet "dime pieces" at the "club"
to "impress" Mom and Dad.
He wants to be alone in my room,
popping dark chocolate cacao nips,
listening to Mitski.
I could maybe do one drink.
I do beg your pardon?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [JANINE CLEARS THROAT]
- Oh. Hey.
- Hey, girl.
- You didn't go to work today?
- Oh, I'm working from home.
Ah.
I didn't know 911 dispatchers
could do that.
Oh, it's frowned upon for sure,
but just for legal reasons.
- Oh, okay.
- So, how was today?
How'd your trip to the lounge go?
Um Bad.
- Yeah.
- Dang.
- I'm sorry, girl, that sucks.
- Yeah.
But your coworkers,
they all know, right?
Yeah. Well, actually Ava just found out,
and she's insisting
on taking me out tonight.
911, what's the address
of your emergency?
- [ON PHONE, INDISTINCT]
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
A little ass shaking might do the trick.
- Oh. Not you. Do not move him.
- Oh.
- Where are we going?
- We're not going anywhere.
Okay? I don't think I'm up for all that.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Okay, ma'am. Yeah.
Besides, Ava just says stuff all the
time. I doubt she actually meant it.
Okay. You don't have to yell.
Why aren't you dressed?
I told you we're going out.
- So, is he bleeding?
- [SCOFFS]
It's just like downstairs
except upstairs.
Y'all really thought
y'all did something.
What's up, phone sex?
Damn, you live here too?
[CHUCKLES] With y'all broke asses.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Come in, come in.
- We have arrived for the Avatar.
- [MELISSA] Oh, good.
Gregory.
Nice shirt.
- Do you think I [SPLUTTERS]
- Sorry.
Does it matter that
I have not seen Avatar one or two?
Only if you care to be a part of the
last bit of monoculture we have left.
We're a weaker society without it.
Mono, what?
[CALEB] Ooh. Car's here.
Wait, put these in your pockets.
It's vodka, gin and rum.
Well, which is which?
What do you mean?
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CHATTERING]
See, it's poppin'.
There's fine men everywhere.
This is where Gregory and I
used to come for dates, you know?
- Okay, let's get you a drink, baby.
- Okay.
What you want?
Um, can I have one vodka soda, please?
Actually, no bubbles. That's too fun.
Can I have a vodka water?
Oh, brother.
We'll have a round
of Long Island iced teas.
Ooh!
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CHATTERING]
I did an ass load of research,
and this place has it all.
One, it's open. Two, vibes. And three,
it has an ideal demo for my boy.
What do you think?
This is the first place
Janine and I danced.
And four, great track record.
Also, I learned there's only one thing
that a white guy can
do at a Black club
to make a good impression.
I bought a table.
Balling straight out of the gate.
And supporting Black businesses.
You know, with the money
you are spending here tonight,
you could probably pay first
and last month's rent on an apartment?
Why would I do that?
I already have a place to stay.
Now, to quote music legend Pitbull,
"Life is not a waste of time,
and time is not a waste of life."
So let's stop wasting time, get wasted,
and have the time of our lives.
We don't need to do
- [GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS]
Dale!
Okay, buckle up.
Who's ready for a third trip to Pandora?
Yeah.
Okay, pause.
Where are they and who is the president?
Pandora,
and they haven't had an election yet.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Does this TV get any bigger?
I mean, can you zoom in?
Do you know how a TV works?
Oh, yeah, we're off to a great start.
I just want to watch the [BLEEP] movie.
[JANINE] Over there is where
we lost the costume contest.
And back there,
actually, is where Gregory
ordered garlic bread for the table.
It was a really big night for him.
Janine, look at me, hear me.
From the moment you two got together,
I knew you were gonna break up.
- What?
- So what you got memories here?
All the more reason
to reclaim the space.
She's not wrong. Tonight's
the night to make new memories.
You gotta embrace the single life.
Drink up.
Okay.
- Oh!
- Yeah. [LAUGHS]
I think it was the right thing
to walk away.
I-I don't know.
It's-It's-It's crazy to
- It is crazy. It's very crazy.
- It's not crazy.
I'll tell you what is though
in three, two
I told them it's your birthday!
- You get way more free drinks that way.
- [GREGORY STAMMERS]
You are one trillion percent
getting charged.
Ladies, join us.
It is my friend's birthday.
Look, I don't need all of this.
I just wanted a drink.
This is the single life, buddy.
Cheers. Welcome to it.
You gonna choose me or what,
white chocolate?
I thought you said Zoe Saldaña was in
this movie, because
that woman is blue.
Zoe's blue in the movie.
- Okay. [LAUGHS]
- [MELISSA] Right.
- And what is an avatar?
- [MELISSA] Okay, that's it.
Barb, listen, we're really just trying
to enjoy the movie, so how about this?
If you've got a question, just look
it up on your phone quietly, okay?
[SCOFFS]
Okay.
I can take a hint.
- Wasn't really a hint.
- It wasn't a hint.
- You guys were right. I needed this.
- [R&B MUSIC PLAYING]
I just feel, like, free and less tense,
and am I wilding
or have I never looked better?
- Both things can be true.
- Get it, girl.
Uh-oh.
Oh, oh. [LAUGHS]
Hey. What's up, lil mama?
If you don't back
up off of me with that
uptown fade, looking like Oscar Proud.
[LAUGHING] Go on.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Were you tryna dance with my man?
Uh, was you tryna get in my face, bitch?
Back up!
Yeah, better had. [SCOFFS]
- ["THIS IS WHY I'M HOT" PLAYING]
- Oh, no! This is my [BLEEP]!
This is why I'm hot
This is why I'm hot ♪
This is why, this is why
This is why I'm hot ♪
Caleb! He is way
too fragile for this, okay?
And that is not at all why he is hot.
We need to get him home
and draw him a warm bath immediately.
It's okay. He's good.
This is the pinnacle of single manhood:
popping bottles at the club
with your boys, bagging chicks.
I mean, look at him up there.
Hey, DJ! Turn this up.
- [MOUTHING WORDS] Stop?
- What? Are you deaf? Turn it up!
[CHEERING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
Now how do they stay on those banshees?
Actually, it's stunt performers
in performance capture suits.
You don't have to whisper.
I paused the movie.
I said it's stunt performers
in performance capture suits,
and a lot of these online forums,
they are calling it a miracle.
Wow. I had no idea.
- Mmm.
- Great. So, can we go now?
How did they get the Na'vi underwater?
They built a water tank
to simulate oceanic movement,
much like on the Titanic.
The film, not the boat. Common mistake.
That really enhances
my viewing experience.
Ooh!
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
Ew, don't touch me.
Wait, where are you going? [LAUGHING]
Ah, ah! Thank you. [LAUGHS]
- That's not Oh.
- Mmm.
Hey. What's up, man?
Look, play "This Is Why I'm Hot."
I already played it.
- Okay, but, like, again.
- Nah.
- It's a killer. Everybody loved that.
- Ay, back up, man.
This is why I'm hot ♪
Okay. Okay. You just gotta spin it back.
[DJ] Back up.
And according to Reddit user
Handstandbandaid51,
some Na'vi hands were rendered
10,000 times for underwater close-ups.
Okay, enough.
We are less than halfway
through this movie.
Now you just gotta,
like, watch the movie
in silence, or hit
the bricks so I can.
Caleb told me he's got a TV
in Jacob's old room.
Toodle-oo, Melissa. I guess you do not
want to know how they did the whales.
Wait. H-How'd they do the whales?
[CHUCKLES] All right. They are called
Tulkun, and although fictional,
they are smart enough
to understand both
hand symbols and
spoken word, girl. Ooh!
- No [BLEEP].
- Hmm.
You don't have to grab me, okay?
I have rights. I'm a citizen.
Your friend is one push away
from getting bounced.
- Girl, are you good?
- Yeah, I'm fine, okay.
I didn't know there's so many rules
in this bar about pushing, okay.
They need to make a rule
about being a weak-ass bitch.
- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHING] Get it!
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hey, so this is obviously getting dark
in a very bad way.
I think it's time that we go.
She's clearly hurting.
She's fine. Let her work it out.
Go 'head, Janine,
with your short self. [LAUGHS]
Did you just say short? To me?
I know you not talking with
your cheaper than Temu clothes,
and a bag that
I wouldn't carry groceries in.
Little Miss "Used to
date an NBA champion
but now sleeps with a member
of the Geek Squad."
Lying about your degrees and de-weaves.
That's an overnight delivery,
polyester-ass wig. Uh-huh.
Yeah, you ordering hair from a bald man.
She started so many failed businesses,
they had to put her
ass in a dead mall.
[CACKLES] Don't talk to me.
[LAUGHS] Whoo!
It's time to go.
Janine.
She lost her damn mind.
This hair is expensive.
Ain't 'coz you're not ♪
[JACOB] Gregory. Gregory!
- Oh!
- You need to get down. No.
This isn't Coyote Ugly, okay?
Bud, people are starting to get mad.
No. No, no. Look at this guy.
He hyping me up.
No, I'm telling you to get down.
- Get down.
- I am getting down.
- [BARTENDER] Get
- Ayo, DJ, run that back.
- I played it seven times.
- Then play the remix.
Yo, so I'm kind of a
body language expert,
and what I'm getting is that Gregory,
- he's not in a good place.
- Yeah, you think?
- Gregory, Gregory, hey.
- Catch me.
We gotta go. No, Greg!
We'll go. We'll go.
Gregory! Gregory! Greg!
Ugh.
[GROANS]
- Morning.
- Oh, my God. [GROANING]
What happened last night?
You got drunk as hell and mean.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
You know, when I'm really sad
and I drink a lot,
I kinda turn into my mom.
Yeah, you called the rideshare driver
a dirty whore
when he wouldn't stop for fries.
Oh, no.
And then you gave him one star.
- Oh, God, that's his livelihood.
- Yeah.
[GROANS]
- You slept over?
- I had to.
You need an intervention.
Look, I think I'm having
a really hard time with this breakup.
Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?
Because this is unsustainable.
Do you want to get back with Gregory?
I can't 'cause I'm the one
who ended things,
and and he didn't push back,
so it doesn't matter what I want.
Well, we have work, so chop chop.
You're out of lotion and makeup wipes
and toothpaste.
- Wait, I'm out of toothpaste? I just
- No, but I am, so I'm taking yours.
- You were very mean to me last night.
- Mmm. You really were.
[SIGHS]
[GROANS]
What's happening?
Why are we at the school?
- You begged us to come here.
- You said you could dunk.
That's ridiculous.
- Did I do it?
- No.
Go check out my boy, Gregory.
Check out my boy.
[JACOB] Let's go!
- Greg, Greg, Greg!
- [CALEB] Greg, Greg, Greg.
Oh, oh, oh
- Greg? Gregory?
- [SNORING]
You just left me there?
You really didn't want to move, man.
I tried to give you a mat.
You took the basketball though.
I tried to I couldn't.
- I dunked.
- [CALEB, GREGORY SNICKER]
Why is everybody always
laughing at me? I did. I swear.
When you guys were passed out.
I'd show you, but my phone is dead.
- Uh-huh.
- Sure, Jakey.
Gregory, are you finally ready to admit
that you are going through it?
[GROANS] Yeah.
I am.
You want to get back with Janine?
I've always been told
that if a woman says
that she doesn't want to be with you,
you don't push it, you don't beg.
You just accept it,
so that's what I'm doing.
Ball's not really in my court.
I guess this is my life now,
clubbing and waking up in gyms.
Oh, yeah, the freaking dream, bro.
Insane to be straight.
Spider began shooting his scenes
when he was 12 years old,
and he didn't finish until he was 16
because so much time had passed
during production.
- Oh, wow.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Oh, gosh.
Where you going?
We only got an hour left.
Yeah, but because we paused it
every 12 seconds,
we gotta go get ready for work.
What do y'all take in your coffee?
Cream and sugar. And girlfriend,
I need an outfit I can borrow, please.
Okay, but not the red leather one
with all the zippers.
Those are pajamas.
You need anything, Mr. J?
No, I keep that thing on me.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
Oh, my God.
Okay, can I get some of that?
[CLATTERING]
What kind of night did you have?
Caleb and I went out with Gregory,
and it was a lot.
Okay, because I took Janine out,
and her ass is crazy.
Talk about it.
Gregory thinks his life is partying
and debauchery now. I'm at a loss.
Jacob, Janine said hurtful things,
things I couldn't even come up with,
and I take that personally.
They're both so, so sad.
Are we having the
same thought right now?
We need to get
- Croissant breakfast sandwiches.
- No.
And over breakfast,
we can talk about how
to get Janine and
Gregory back together.
Have either one of you ever heard
of a little film franchise
that I like to call, Avatar? Yes.
[WHISPERING FANFARE]
Whoo!
Did you guys see that?
Guys?
[GRUNTING]
Learned it all from High School Musical.
Thank you, Troy Bolton.
Whoo!
sync & corrections awaqeded