Ghosts (2021) s05e20 Episode Script

1
Madame Ghost Representative,
we have a cabinet meeting
with Samantha in the living room.
Oh, right. Uh, thank you, Isaac.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- I mean,
Mr. Vice Ghost Representative.
- Mm-hmm.
- Cabinet meeting? I didn't know the ghost rep
actually did anything.
That was true under Creepy Dirk, but
under a Montero-Higgintoot
administration,
we will restore the position
to its original intent,
to pester and annoy
Samantha with minor requests.
Jay's been cooking a
lot of pancakes recently.
Could you ask Sam to tell Jay
that I would like to smell
something savory for breakfast?
Trevor, it's on the agenda.
But, uh, Flower, uh, we
were gonna go on walk.
Remember? I want to show you dead bee
that die in funny position.
Look like it dancing disco. [GRUNTS]
[GASPS] Oh, right. Shoot.
I Can we do it later?
Yeah, okay. I mean, if it not get eaten
or wind not blow it
into unfunny position.
Seems sort of risky to
wait, but okay, yeah.
Cool. See you later, Thor.
Man, that can't feel good.
- What you mean?
- ALBERTA: Well, it just seems
like now that Flower's
big and important,
she don't have time for you.
- You're the Stedman to her Oprah.
- ALBERTA: Oof.
That's tough, but true, Trev.
Who is this Stead Man?
Well, Oprah's a very
successful and powerful woman,
and Stedman is her man
who's just kind of there.
But Thor First Gentleman.
And we love that for you.
Is important role in its own right.
That's such a Stedman thing to say.
[GRUNTS]
♪
She's pulling up!
Who's pulling up?
Oh, you remember that woman Paula,
the producer who shot an episode
of the docuseries Dumb Deathshere?
Oh, yeah, you played Flower,
and Jay got shot in
the ass with an arrow.
[LAUGHS] That was a fun afternoon.
Well, she wants to scout Woodstone
as a possible filming location
for the upcoming season of Pete?
It's Getting Hot in Here:
All Star Edition.
- [LAUGHS]
- By Odin's loins, yeah!
Okay, maybe curb your
excitement a little, Thor.
We don't want her
thinking we got bad wiring.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Yeah, I got to run. I
just got to the location.
It's still run-down, but
yeah, hopefully cheap.
- Sam, Jay, good to see you.
- Hey, Paula.
Great to see you. I love your purse.
Ugh, yeah, it was a splurge.
I have a bit of an
online shopping problem.
Every time I take an Ambien, I black out
and see the damage on
my doorstep the next day.
I like this one.
- She's a spitfire.
- [PHONE RINGING]
Excuse me. What is it?
Well, you tell Lacey Chabert
that we think Mrs. Claus
would wear that bathing suit,
and if she doesn't
come out of her trailer,
Melissa Joan Hart is
circling the parking lot.
Sorry, I also produce holiday rom-coms.
Oh, my God. I love those.
- Yeah, you fit the demo.
- Thank you.
I don't know that that was a compliment.
Did you by any chance produce
Single and Ready to Kringle?
By the skin of my teeth.
That was a tough shoot.
Our Rudolph got a little hoofsy on set.
Mm. Can I take you to your room, Paula?
Absolutely.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Because it's called
Christmas in Cabo, Lacey,
and Mario Lopez already
agreed to wear a Speedo.
Yeah, I want to see how this plays out.
Sam, this is incredible.
You should tell Paula
about the holiday rom-com
script you've been writing.
Polar Opposites? Oh, I
don't know. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, Joan read it and loved it,
and she was a professional screenwriter.
I just don't know if it's ready.
What if Paula doesn't like it?
Hey, you miss 100% of
the shots you don't take.
I said that to Jerry once at a bar
when he told me there
was a girl he was into,
and he didn't think
he had a chance, and
Cheese and rice, that was Carol.
HETTY: Flower, I've been thinking,
with your recent
election, it would be nice
to honor the occasion with
some sort of gathering.
Mm. You mean like an orgy?
Like that, in that there
will be people there,
but I was thinking more along
the lines of an inaugural ball.
Flower, this is a big deal,
and it deserves to be acknowledged.
I actually attended
Nixon's inauguration.
Well, a riot outside,
which I thought was going to be funny
because someone was like, "It's a riot,"
but it was an actual riot.
Ladies.
Oh, hey, Isaac. Hetty was just
telling me about the clothed,
nonsexual inaugural
ball she wants to plan.
Oh, that's a great idea, and
I could make some remarks.
I could speak about the
invention of democracy,
from Athens to Higgintoot. [LAUGHING]
And I shan't steal the spotlight.
Three, three and a half hours tops.
Isaac, that [EXHALES]
that sounds wonderful.
Unfortunately, you're far
too valuable to attend.
- What do you mean?
- You're the designated survivor.
God forbid, something
should happen at the ball
say, some sort of mass suck-off event
the remaining ghosts
would require a leader.
We simply cannot lose
both Flower and you.
So, instead of being a featured speaker,
I'm just not there at all.
Because of how important you are.
Makes sense.
Just an update [SIGHS]
disco bee blew away.
- Oh.
- What going on here?
Well, I am planning a
fabulous inaugural ball
for our Madame Ghost Representative.
I am not invited. Too important.
Wait. This feel like something
First Gentleman should be planning.
Oh, I didn't know you cared
about this kind of stuff.
[SCOFFS] Well, if it about
Flower, then Thor care.
It's just that, as
the lady of the house,
I do have extensive experience
planning these sorts of upscale events.
Well, maybe you two
could plan it together?
- Hetty, would that be okay?
- Well, I
imagine it would be
valuable to have his
- unique perspective.
- THORFINN: Good.
[LAUGHS] We plan together then.
And trust me, Thor know parties.
Thor once throw Viking party
where we slaughter caribou,
drink still-warm blood,
and then feasting on its innards.
Well, no idea's a bad idea.
So, Paula, will McNair
and Jordana be back
for It's Getting Hot in Here: All Stars?
Jordana, yes. McNair, unfortunately,
is going on next season of Sex House,
which frankly, feels
like no premise at all,
but people love it.
What has happened to my industry?
Knock, knock.
Just wanted to see how
you were settling in.
Not true. Our girl's got an agenda.
Everything's great.
McNair's making the leap to Sex House.
- Champa's gonna freak.
- So,
I know how you mentioned earlier
that you produce holiday rom-coms
- You got this.
- SAMANTHA: And I'm sure you hear this all the time,
but I am actually a writer,
and I have this script.
- What's happening?
- SAMANTHA: Is there any chance
you might take a look?
Well, I don't usually
read unsolicited material.
But for you, why not?
Really? Thank you. Here you go.
- No.
- What?
- Huh?
- You can't let her read that script, Sam.
- I thought you said you liked it.
- I was being nice.
If this producer reads that
script, you're done for.
Hey, Paula, my mom's asking,
"Will 'Brad the Assman'
be on this season?"
[CHUCKLES] It wouldn't
be All Starswithout him.
She's gonna be so happy.
You need to get that script
back from her at all costs.
SAMANTHA: You know,
Paula, on second thought,
maybe I could just do a quick typo pass.
- Oh, I don't care about that.
- JOAN: Ugh, I'm serious, Sam.
You only get one chance
at a first impression.
And now, I'm actually realizing,
that's not even my script. [CHUCKLES]
That's my will.
Jay, you're in for some good stuff.
Unless you're the one who did it.
What is happening?
Okay, this vamping right here,
this is gold compared to
most of her second act.
Okay, if you want to
do one last pass, fine.
- I have an hour in the morning to read something.
- Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go see if a spray-tan
booth will fit in the pantry.
They come out of those
parkas looking pasty.
Love the behind-the-scenes tidbits.
Sam, what the hell's going on?
Well, Joan lied to me.
First, she told me she loved the script,
and now, she's saying it's a disaster.
I didn't say disaster.
It's just not read-ready.
But we have the whole rest of the night,
and I died on a little
bit of amphetamines,
so let's get out your Smith Corona
and make this puppy sing.
Are you gonna help me do a
rewrite on Polar Opposites?
Yeah, it's already most of
the way there, sweetheart.
We just have to put
our two heads together,
like in my Siamese twins comedy,
Seven Brides for Six Brothers.
Oh, we actually watched
that one together.
It does not hold up.
Much like Cindy and Mindy's shared neck.
So, I hear you two are planning
Flower's inaugural ball.
What are you thinking?
Well, I am advocating
that the evening commence
with a series of dances.
A waltz, a quadrille,
a polka if we're feeling frisky.
Boring! [SIGHS]
First Gentleman have better idea.
We have Sam and Jay capture Dane
and then watch as they throw
frozen cabbages at head.
- [LAUGHS]
- HETTY: And I just think
perhaps Samantha may balk at
kidnapping a Danish person.
THORFINN: Doesn't have to be Dane.
- [HETTY SIGHS]
- Thor would settle for Finn or Swede.
Dutchman in a pinch.
I think these are all great ideas.
As far as decorations are concerned,
I was thinking lilies,
perhaps some bunting.
- Classic.
- THORFINN: Thor think decorations
should be more fish-based.
Well, what a shocker.
Oh, like, uh, like an
"Under the Sea" theme?
No, more like fish out of the sea
and being smoked from rafters.
Will be most pungent. Perfect for party.
HETTY: We will not be having
rotten fish carcasses
at Flower's inaugural ball.
Not rotten.
Cured by cold smoke.
You see what Thor
have to deal with here?
[SIGHS]
SAMANTHA: Okay, okay, but hear me out,
what if we put the scene
where Nathan and Jenny kiss here?
[GASPS] Before the mix-up
at the peppermint factory?
I don't like it, I love it.
We are bippin' and boppin'.
You really can move fast
when you don't have to literally
cut and paste the paper.
SASAPPIS: Just to
circle back, did you guys
hear my pitch about
the locomotive engineer
- being a snowman?
- JOAN: Yeah,
wouldn't the heat from the
steam engine make him melt?
Okay, the mayor is a polar bear,
but sure, let's be rigorous
about the laws of thermodynamics
when it comes to snowmen driving trains.
So, that just brings us to our ending.
Which I think really works now.
Y-You don't think it's a bummer
they don't end up together?
No, that's what makes it fresh.
Jenny chooses herself.
It's a rom-com. Don't
reinvent the wheel.
Just give the people what they want.
Okay, I think I'm gonna
stick with my ending,
and if Paula doesn't like it,
that is feedback that she can give me.
Sam, I mean it.
A downer ending can ruin a whole read.
Joan, I've made my decision.
Thank you, but I'm
gonna go print this out
and give it to her in
the morning to read.
[SCOFFS]
This is not good, Sass.
The ending is everything.
Sam's gonna blow this.
Maybe Paula will like it.
You're saying Sam knows better than me?
I'm saying she's alive and might have
- her finger on the pulse
- [GASPS]
you know, 'cause she has one.
Okay, what about this?
We run a little test.
You go into Paula's
dream and suss her out.
See if she has any strong
feelings on happy endings
versus that nuanced mumbo
jumbo Sam's been pitching.
Interesting. And then we can
present Sam with the evidence.
- Okay. Yeah. It's a good idea.
- Thank you.
See how easy that is to say?
That something's a good idea?
We're not doing the snowman thing.
Flower.
The, uh [CHUCKLES] planning committee
is at an impasse, so we need
the Ghost Representative
herself to weigh in.
- Great, let's go find her.
- [THORFINN CLEARS THROAT]
Flower, that you.
Right. Right. Oh, cool beans.
So, as a neutral party,
Peter will lay out our
competing visions, anonymously,
for you to make an unbiased opinion.
- Sure. Works for me.
- PETE: Okay.
I will be presenting two
very valid, viable options.
You'll have no idea whose is whose.
- [GASPS]
- PETE: Option A:
we begin with dancing,
then proceed to toasts,
followed by the smelling of brandy.
The room will be festooned with lilies
and filled with classical music.
Hmm, that sounds nice.
Option B, again, completely anonymous:
we will line the
rafters with smoked fish.
We will humiliate someone
of Northern European descent,
and we will smell copious
amounts of rams' testicles.
Hmm
Those both sound
great. Um, let me think.
Ooh, tough call. [LAUGHS]
I guess the first one,
- if I have to pick.
- Damn it, Pete!
Why you not sell Option B good?
You totally leave out cod luge.
I guess I wasn't clear on
what that meant exactly.
Like, is the luge shaped like a cod
or do the cod slide down it?
- Both, obviously!
- HETTY: Thor!
It does not matter
who came up with what.
Flower herself has given us a direction,
and we need to honor her decision.
No. Thor not want to plan party anymore,
because apparently,
First Gentleman
actually Worst Gentleman.
Ugly moment but, I got to
say, nice wordplay. [CHUCKLES]
SASAPPIS: So then, I
went into Paula's dream
to try to find out which
type of ending she prefers.
Well, what did she say?
He got no answer.
She started asking for
context, and we got sidetracked.
She had a lot of questions.
Yeah, sure, it's hard to just
judge an ending out of context.
We just ended up getting
into a lot more details
that I hadn't planned on discussing,
and then, Mario Lopez came in
to see if she was ready for her massage,
and then, Paula asked me to leave.
Hey, guys. Today's the big day.
Oh, Joan, thank you so much
for all your help last night.
I am so excited for
Paula to read the script.
- I hope she likes it.
- I'm sure she will, kiddo.
Yeah, and then we can
all celebrate together
- at the inaugural ball.
- ISAAC: I won't be attending.
I'll be sitting alone
in the woods. Surviving.
Designated surviving.
I don't care if it's 5:00 a.m. in L.A.
I have to tell you about
this idea I came up with.
I'm on with the coast.
It's a holiday rom-com
set at the North Pole,
and get this, it's
called Polar Opposites.
It came to me in a dream, fully formed.
Jenny Polar is in love
with Nathan Opposites.
[DOOR CLOSES]
What did you do, Sass?
It was Joan's idea.
SAMANTHA: You went into
Paula's dream and told her
my movie idea? How
could you guys do this?
- I'm sorry, Sam.
- No, it's my fault.
I-I was so desperate
to prove I was right.
It's been so long since
I've been in the game.
I got carried away.
Samantha, there's a
simple solution to this.
Just show her your completed script.
What would that prove?
At best, she'll think
that I had the same idea.
In which case, why buy it from me?
And at worst, she'll think
I heard her on the phone
and had AI spit out a draft.
A.I. Rosenberg? That guy's
still knocking around?
He was no spring chicken in my day.
Okay, we can figure out a solution.
There is no solution. She
thinks she came up with it,
and now, my movie's gonna be made,
and I will get none of the credit.
Not so fast.
We had a term in my day, "gaslight,"
based on a 1940s film of the same name,
in which a husband convinces his wife
she's gone crazy.
That's still very much a term today.
So, here's what I'm
thinking, we gaslight Paula
into thinking she's
read your script already.
Okay, but how do we do that?
Oh, I know exactly how we do it.
The seeds were planted
in the very first moments
she arrived here at Woodstone.
You couldn't write it any better.
Hey, Thor.
Just wanted to check on you.
You seemed pretty upset before.
Thor not upset. Thor just confused.
Not sure how anyone
at party will have fun
- without fish luge.
- [CHUCKLES]
I guess I'm just a little
surprised you care so much
- about planning a party.
- [CHUCKLING]
Why?
Thor love party.
Some of Thor's biggest
heroes plan party.
Sven the Reveler.
And the Great Lisas
Rinna and Vanderpump.
[SIGHS SOFTLY]
Thor, what's this really about?
[SIGHS]
You Ghost Representative now, and
Thor very happy for you
but just worried that new fancy Flower
not need Thor anymore.
What are you talking about?
You need Thor spell it out?
You Oprah,
Thor Stedman.
Who's Stedman?
Exactly!
- Oh.
- Look,
Thor just figure that if he
plan party as First Gentleman
that it make Thor useful.
That he not get
left behind.
Thor. [CHUCKLES]
Just because I'm a little busier
and have some big title now
doesn't mean you're
going to get left behind.
No?
If anything, having more
on my plate makes me realize
how precious the free time I do have is.
And I love spending
that free time with you.
Thor love you more than Sven
the Reveler loves reveling.
Which was kind of his thing.
- [SIGHS]
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Okay, the computer's all set.
Is Jay in position?
[QUIETLY]: Affirmative.
He's ready to go.
Let's gaslight this broad.
[KNOCKING]
Hey, Paula. I have some
fresh towels for you.
PAULA: Come on in.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
So, how are you enjoying your stay?
It's been very productive.
That's great. [CHUCKLES]
Look, I, uh, got to ask,
what did you think of the script?
What script?
Polar Opposites.
What?
What are you talking about?
Did you hear me talking
about that earlier?
I'm confused. That's the script
I gave you to read last night.
[KNOCKING]
Hey, Paula.
You got a delivery.
I did?
Now go, go.
PAULA: I didn't order anything.
And I don't know
what you're talking about with a script.
I had a dream about a
movie, Polar Opposites.
But it was my idea.
SAMANTHA: Paula, I
don't want to be rude,
but are you gaslighting me?
What? No.
JAY: I think I might know
what happened here.
Um, is it possible
that you may have taken
an Ambien last night?
I don't remember taking an Ambien.
[CHUCKLES] You guys are monsters.
- Well done.
- SAMANTHA: Yeah.
Didn't you say that sometimes
when you take an Ambien
you kind of black out and online shop?
- [CHUCKLES]
- JAY: Mm.
That would explain the delivery.
Uh, I didn't order anything.
Oh, but there's a
bunch of purses for sale
on your computer.
Mm.
Ugh.
That's weird.
I usually have much better
taste when I black out.
SASAPPIS: Jay got that for
Sam for their last anniversary.
Ooh. Swing and a miss.
Oh, my God!
"Polar Opposites. Screenplay
by Samantha Arondekar.
A Samantha Arondekar joint"?
- Maybe I should refamiliarize myself.
- Of course.
Take your time.
Uh, and just for what it's worth,
I really like the purse.
I think you can wear
it for a fancy night out
or, you know, even a casual
trip to the grocery store.
It's dog crap.
Let her read.
Well? What did you think?
I'm completely sober
and I still love it.
- [GASPS]
- You are one hell of a writer, young lady.
[CHUCKLES] That's a relief.
But I can't take all the credit.
- What do you mean?
- I owe
a debt to the trailblazing
female screenwriters
who came before me.
Okay.
It was all you, Sam.
I just helped flesh it out a little.
I do have one note though.
The ending.
It's a bit of a bummer.
Really? I thought it might be, you know,
- fresher if
- No, no, no.
You want fresh, work
at a farmers market.
We want the girl to get the
guy, the guy to get the girl,
and Mario Lopez to show up
at the midpoint in a Speedo.
- [CHUCKLES]
- I'm not joking.
He's got a two-picture deal.
Make that happen.
That's a good note, Paula.
People love a happy ending.
Mm. Remember? That's what I was saying.
SASAPPIS: So Mario Lopez
in a Speedo at the North
Pole in the middle of winter
makes more sense than my snowman pitch?
- Yes.
- Yeah, I'm gonna watch the crap out of this movie.
[CHUCKLES]
Thank you, guys, so much.
I had a really groovy time
at my inaugural ball.
THORFINN: Got to hand it to you, Hetty.
That was best non-orgy
party Thor ever attend.
HETTY: Aw.
And I am personally
glad we ended up going
with your hanging cod idea.
[CHUCKLES] It was a pungent addition
to an otherwise aromatically
conventional affair.
Hey!
Hey, babe. I'm trying
to make cod for dinner,
- but there's none in the freezer.
- Yeah,
it's hanging from the
rafters in the ballroom.
- Okay.
- Anyway,
big news. Paula emailed
and we are officially booked to host
IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE: All Stars.
- What?!
- [GASPING]
It getting hot in here?
Yes.
My mom is gonna freak out
if I get to meet Skylar L.
SAMANTHA: And, also,
Paula confirmed that she submitted
my screenplay to the studio.
And, apparently, they're
"excited to read."
Yes! Oh, babe, I'm so proud of you.
ALBERTA: Oof.
Isaac's gonna be so jealous
Polar Opposites might
be made into a movie
- before his vampire book.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I want to tell him.
Hold on. Where is Isaac?
Did anyone tell him
that the ball is over?
SAMANTHA: I mean, it ended
three hours ago.
I'm sure he figured it out by now.
I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy ♪
Yankee Doodle do or die. ♪
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- [BIRD HOOTS]
- [GASPS]