Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e21 Episode Script

1
- [PHONE RINGS]
- [AVA] All right.
- So you have your marching orders?
- Yes. I'm going to lie to Janine
to get her and Gregory talking,
which will lead to them reconciling.
Then I will flirt with Gregory
like I used to,
and you know I only did that
to send him into the arms of Janine.
- I don't think that's why they
- Ready, break.
And that's how I know
Gregory thinks that you two should fly
and not drive to the Outer Banks.
He said if-if you're
a bird, he's a bird.
Gregory quoted The Notebook?
- Hey, big head.
- No.
[AVA SCOFFS]
Okay, don't be mad, but it didn't work.
Janine saw right through me
like my daddy's a glassmaker.
Same. I should've known Gregory
wouldn't believe I'd
step out on O'Shon.
- [CHUCKLES] Stupid.
- We can We can do this, okay?
- We just need to think.
- [SIGHS]
Okay. What about
Nah, nah, nah.
Okay, give me room. I'm circling.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
We've got nothing.
No, I-I really had something.
Okay, then finish your thought.
- Well, now it's too much pressure.
- Yeah.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
You ready for another planning meeting?
Just had some matcha.
It's disgusting,
but it really gets the brain going.
No, I've already given
their relationship more attention
than I've given any of my own.
I'm still trying to get the district
to upgrade my flight
to the teachers' conference.
Can't be jet-lagged in Miami.
It's the same time zone.
And on top of that,
AVA Fest is tomorrow.
- It's gotta be the best one yet.
- But we need to figure out a way
to get Janine and Gregory
back together, okay?
In fact, it should
be everyone's number-one priority.
Okay, look at me.
Hey, quit telling everybody what
their number-one priority should be.
And you two need to butt out.
They're young.
They will learn how to talk through it.
Well, that would require them being in
the same room,
which they refuse to do.
I got it.
I'll assign them to the dunk tank.
That way they'll have to
put it together, together.
Were we committed
to doing that this year?
Yes, Jacob. It's a tradition.
Deal with it.
- Anything I can do to help?
- You're asking for more work?
What the hell is wrong with youse guys?
Have I taught you nothing?
[DOMINIC] I feel like I've gotten a hang
of the teaching part,
but I don't feel like
I'm part of the Abbott culture.
So, I'm gonna help
out with the festival.
Even if that means
working more closely with Ava.
She kinda scares me.
You know what? Finally, I
have one teacher worth a damn.
Young Dom,
there are several things you can do
because I need to focus
on finding a headliner.
I'm sure you'll find someone incredible.
Ew, don't ever encourage me.
All right, you know, I can't
think of a better pair of teachers
to put this together than you two.
- Really?
- Well, I can call Morton over
- if you need a third.
- No, we're good.
- Great. Get to work.
- Thanks.
- Okay, so
- All right, so maybe we can do
- Oh, sorry, you go.
- No, you You can go first.
I was thinking we
could tackle this the
same way we did the dining room table.
Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing.
Okay.
[JANINE GROANS]
- Ready? [EXCLAIMS]
- [DRILL WHIRS]
Oh, my God. I'm s sorry.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
[BALLOON POPS]
Hey, man. You stop blowing
when the balloon is full.
- What up?
- [STUDENT] Yo.
Here go the hall passes.
That looks so fake.
The font isn't even correct.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not!
[SIGHS] I don't wanna
hear another word
about font, because it's fine. Dang!
Shouldn't "hall pass" be hyphenated?
Yeah, you know, sometimes you overhear
kids planning a lot of nonsense,
so it's best just to let them do it
and then you nab 'em afterwards.
'Cause this way it helps
with the consequences sticking.
And also, it gives me more time
of not having to do anything.
We should ask Courtney.
She'll know what to do.
- Courtney!
- What up, slime?
If you were to make fake hall passes,
how would you do it?
Don't start from scratch.
Next time you get a hall pass, save it
and just change up the date and time.
Yo!
- She's a mastermind.
- Yeah.
I bet if she came to Sephora with us,
we'd be able to steal
so much more stuff.
- Shh!
- Why are you talking so loud?
[AVA] Young Dom,
did you blow up these balloons?
- Yeah.
- Well, that was a waste of your time.
These are the wrong colors.
It's supposed to be purple and pink.
My bad. I just figured that red and
white are the classic carnival colors.
But this is a festival.
Did you get confused 'cause Janine
- has the world's biggest feet?
- No.
- Tell me you took care of the food.
- I did.
Just came from Fresh Grocer
and the fish sticks were on super sale.
What?
You're supposed to get chicken nuggets.
Now the guests are gonna
have sad childhood flashbacks
of when their parents used
to leave them home alone
and they had to eat soggy fish sticks
for dinner.
Okay, that's my bad.
I can redo both, but I think
you're really gonna love this.
Hey, Mr. Johnson. Can you grab
the other side of that banner for me?
- [SIGHS]
- Good thing you ain't wearing socks,
'cause yours was about to get blown off.
"Welcome to Abbott Fest"?
It's AVA Fest. A Very Abbott Festival.
- Why would it ever be called Abbott Fest?
- I'm sorry.
Now, I gotta fix all your mistakes
and I still haven't found a headliner!
Ain't it supposed to be purple and pink?
You know, we could rig it so that
Jacob never gets dunked, right?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, but think of the children.
- [CHUCKLES]
- You know.
I miss talking to you.
- [SIGHS]
- Yeah, not talking to you has been hard.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
- I got you.
- Oh.
[GASPS]
Chappell be thy Roan, it's working.
Finally. Their messy breakup was
distracting me from the actual issues.
- [DOMINIC] Oh, yeah.
- And what is that?
I think it's a fun house mirror.
Come on. Who wants
to be shorter and wider?
I've been thinking about it,
and what are we doing?
This feels wrong, right?
Yeah, you know, are
we really breaking up
over something as trivial
as flying or driving?
- Exactly. It feels silly.
- Mm-hmm.
And I actually crunched the numbers
in between.
Travel time to and from the airport,
the security line,
flight time itself and getting a car,
it's about the same amount of time
as driving.
- Yes! [CHUCKLES] So, why not fly?
- Or why not drive?
Because you just crunched the numbers
and it's all the same.
Except for price.
I was just crunching the numbers to
make sure that I wasn't being crazy.
Oh, so I'm being crazy?
- No, I was saying that I
- That's what that insinuated.
- We get caught up in this thing
- I feel like I know, but
What are you guys carrying on about?
- We're right back where we started.
- Yeah, I guess we are.
And I crunched the numbers, and
you can build the
dunk tank by yourself.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] It's fine.
- You know she's right.
It really is a one-person job.
[EXHALES]
Love is in the data center-polluted air.
- How I wish that were the case.
- What?
Janine and Gregory are
at each other's throats.
And not in the good way.
[EXCLAIMS] I don't understand
why they can't figure this out.
That's why I said no one should be
in a relationship until they're 65.
Once the brain is fully developed.
I'll just tell Gregory she's pregnant.
Then they'll definitely
get back together.
- No, don't do that.
- [GASPS] She's weighing in.
- They just don't have the tools.
- [MR. JOHNSON] Or the wisdom.
Barb, I know you said
you wanted to stay out of this,
but I think we ought to help them out.
Please, I am begging you.
[STAMMERS] I'm not gonna beg you,
but that would be nice.
- Fine. I'll talk with Janine.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- And I will talk to Jacob.
- No, Mr. Johnson.
You will talk to Gregory.
I know. I'm just tryna add
some levity around here. Damn.
Do you got a sec?
What is life,
but a collection of seconds passing
I got three pieces
of really bad news for you, okay?
- Three?
- Yeah.
Number one, you're about to be the mark
in a hall pass scam.
Number two, I just overheard
some of your homeroom students
talking about, they're
gonna go shoplift.
Number three,
they're getting Courtney to run point.
Every bit of that was
worse than the last.
- I know.
- Kinda like this matcha.
Now, if Courtney finds out just how good
she is at something like that,
it could lead her down
a really sketchy path.
- We both know where that leads.
- Yeah.
- Wall Street.
- Mmm.
- We gotta get her to change her mind.
- "We"? [SCOFFS]
Your homeroom, your problem, pal.
Oh, interesting,
because, you know, she reminds me
- of a certain former student of yours.
- Oh, wow.
Manipulating me by using
my past missteps against me.
What are you? My mother?
Courtney's a contrarian,
so we can't tell her to just not do it.
- It's gonna make her want to do it more.
- Yeah. Okay, okay.
So, here's what we do.
[HUSHED] You find where she puts her
- Why am I whispering? There's nobody here.
- Mm-mmm.
I accept the rush
job fee. Do you still
offer the "beautiful woman" discount?
Not since June? [SCOFFS] Okay, thanks.
You're costing me money, Dom.
I'm so sorry. I was just trying to help.
Do I look helped to you? Look at that.
I haven't hobbied in days.
Yo, is that a BattleBot?
- Get out!
- Yes, ma'am.
[DOMINIC] Okay, this is bad.
But I can turn this around.
You know, I've been thinking about it,
and I might actually
have some connections
that can make this
the best Abbott Fest yet.
AVA Fest.
Make this the best AVA Fest yet.
- Janine, do you have a moment?
- I have many moments.
As many moments as you need.
Okay, I don't want to overstep,
but I'd like to discuss your breakup.
Well, I don't really know what to say.
I mean, we just got into it again
because he's insisting
on doing things his way.
I just don't think it's gonna work out.
Just because you have a fight,
doesn't mean
you're not supposed to be together.
Gerald and I, we've had many a fight.
Where to live, how
to raise the children,
and [SCOFFS]
some of his nasty relatives. Mmm.
Honestly, your fight, it's lightweight.
And I know it's hard, but if you love
someone, you really care about them,
then you owe it to each other
and your relationship
to work these things out together.
I know, but we can't.
Every time we try to talk it out,
it feels like something
just grabs ahold of me.
And it feels like it's
the most important thing in the world.
- Yes. Right.
- Yeah, I've been there.
When you tell a man something is
important and he
doesn't give it to you,
- that's when you walk away.
- Wait. [CHUCKLING]
- Who taught you that?
- [SCOFFS] Life, Barb. [CHUCKLES] Life.
No. Really think about it.
Who taught you that?
I guess the women I've seen
in relationships most in my life
would be Harriette Winslow
and then, second
- my mom.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, no.
Okay, everyone, don't forget
AVA Fest tonight. Tell your folks.
Hey, Courtney, do you mind
sticking back for a bit?
Oh. Did you need some help
with the lesson?
[SCOFFS] Hardy-har-har.
No, not this time.
I bet you're wondering
where your backpack is right now.
Why would I wonder that?
It's where I always put it.
Except it's not, because we stole it.
And I want you to really sit
with how you're feeling right now.
Doesn't feel too good
to have something stolen from you.
It probably wouldn't
if y'all were competent thieves.
But I saw my AirTag on the move earlier
and got it back.
- Damn it!
- [COURTNEY CHUCKLES]
Why'd you try to steal my backpack?
I overheard some kids trying to
rope you into their harebrained scheme
about stealing from a Sephora.
So, we wanted
to teach you a lesson in empathy.
[CHUCKLES] You know stores
don't have feelings, right?
Okay, fine. Just promise
not to steal anything, all right?
Yeah, I'm not risking my future
for star-shaped zit stickers.
Also, you heard people talking
about shoplifting and you came to me?
Shouldn't you be talking to those guys?
You know what? You are correct.
But before you do that, I bet
you're wondering where your bags are.
- [JACOB] What? My journal!
- Okay, no fair. We robbed you first!
[MR. JOHNSON] Hey, Gregory.
I think we should have
a little chat about you and Janine.
It's a private matter.
No such thing as privacy
in a public school.
All right, well, fine.
I just don't wanna talk about it.
Then I'll take a page from your book,
and let it go.
Just like you're letting Janine go.
- Okay, that's not what's happening.
- Why is it not?
She said that she didn't think
that we could work through that fight.
So, she ended things.
- Did you tell her you disagree?
- When a woman says it's over,
- that's the end of the conversation.
- Where'd you pick that one up?
My father said there's a list of rules
every man should follow
and that's top of the list.
Followed by, "You can only cry one tear
like Denzel in Glory"
and "Never wear flip-flops."
If you believe you can work
through this, Janine should know that.
Yes, you follow the advice from a man
who wears sneakers to the beach.
But you're your own man, right?
It's not rhetorical.
- Are you your own man, or not?
- Yeah, yeah.
Then what are you waiting on?
- [JANINE] Hey, Barbara.
- Mm-hmm?
Um, so I've been sitting
with the whole "my mom" revelation
and I really don't wanna be that way
in relationships.
Well
I don't think you're gonna solve this
by picking flying or driving.
Oh, my God. Please
don't say take a train.
No, I'm saying you need
to find the want behind your want.
Okay. The other day,
Gerald and I had an argument
because I wanted to go out
and have a nice dinner at Ruth's Chris,
and he didn't want to
because it's too expensive
and the name's confusing.
He's got a point. Who is Chris
and why does Ruth own him, right?
So, we had to actually decide
what did we really want?
The lobster mac and cheese.
- It's
- No.
What I wanted was to get away
from his sister
who has been spending
far too much time with us.
And he wanted to have a nice meal
and spend time with me.
Aw. So, what did you do?
We settled on The Capital Grille,
and we had a good old time.
- [JANINE CHUCKLES]
- Mm-hmm.
It wasn't about the place
or anything else.
It was just about us wanting
to spend time together.
So, what do you want?
What's the want behind your want?
Okay. To go on vacation with Gregory.
- Uh-huh.
- To see the water
- Ooh.
- and to relax.
Forget about everything else
and start right there.
You said
the Bacon Brothers were available.
Now you're saying Kevin's out?
Well, the event is tonight.
I'm Bacon or bust.
Ava.
Let me call you back.
What you do now? Make the Kool-Aid
with flour instead of sugar?
Come here, man.
What am I looking at?
You're looking at the
Philadelphia Eagles
championship wide
receiver, DeVonta Smith.
He's going to headline AVA Fest.
We're play cousins.
Does your "play cousin" play music?
- I play football.
- Well, that's useless to me.
Everybody comes to
AVA Fest for a concert.
I can play the recorder.
[SIGHS]
I can't play the recorder.
They made me go to football practice
instead of first-grade music, which
it kinda worked out.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um
We never finished
putting the dunk tank together.
Yeah, we should probably get that done
before the festival starts.
Mmm.
I can help. Pretty good with my hands.
- No, thank you, DeVonta Smith.
- Yeah.
I kinda wanna do this with her.
Yeah, we wanna figure this out together.
- Also, hi. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.
Big fan of your your work.
Here if you need me.
- The, uh The pieces are over here.
- Okay.
- [BALLOON POPS]
- [DOMINIC GROANS]
Damn it.
Hey, man, you okay?
- I ruined Abbott Fest.
- AVA Fest.
[GROANS] Golly. AVA Fest.
What is wrong with me?
If there's one thing
I learned from football,
it's not over till it's over.
You're down, under two minutes,
fourth and long.
- That's right, you play football.
- Damn, can I finish?
And people pay to watch you play
football. It's like a whole business.
DeVonta, that's it.
Okay.
Of course you're
offering me Pentatonix.
'Cause no one wants
them after Christmas.
Ava. Ava, Ava, Ava, Ava.
- We got an idea.
- Celebrity football game.
[SIGHS]
[JANINE]
Okay, just tighten the last bolt. And
- I wanna be with you.
- I wanna be with you too.
- I'm sorry.
- So I feel like
- So
- Well, um
- I was talking to Barbara and
- You
- You first. Yeah.
- I'll go, okay. Um
Look, when we had our fight,
I wasn't feeling heard,
so I got defensive and I ran away.
And I promise
that I will not run away again.
And I won't let you.
I was being rigid and I couldn't see
past my way of doing things, but
- I forgot that we were a team.
- Right.
And, you know, if we're gonna be
together, there's gonna be fights.
There's gonna be issues.
But I think the key is
to communicate through them.
And no matter what it is,
we will figure it out together
because I do not wanna do
that breakup [BLEEP] ever again.
Oh, my God, me neither.
I got banned from Rubenstein's.
I got banned from the Hookah Lounge.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
[GRUNTS]
[BARBARA] Janine and Gregory just needed
a push in the right direction.
Now they're back to being that headass
couple we all know
and love. [CHUCKLES]
- We probably should've helped earlier.
- Uh-uh.
I stand by how long I waited.
I had things to deal with too.
Gerald wants to cancel the cable,
and I was like, "Uh-uh.
I'm not missing American Idol."
[PARTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, y'all. Welcome to AVA Fest.
And for the first time ever,
sign up for our celebrity football game.
Featuring Philly's best, DeVonta Smith.
- [CHEERING, WHOOPING]
- Come on out here, Smith!
- Hey, did he bring his Super Bowl ring?
- Did he bring his Super Bowl ring?
[CHUCKLES] Did he bring
his Super Bowl ring?
- [AVA] Who's up first?
- Excuse me.
- Well, don't push the kids.
- Them ain't my kids.
- Have fun.
- George, Mackenzie, Jayden. Get over here.
You guys, I overheard your little plan
about doing the shoplifting.
- And just don't do that, okay?
- Hey, come on.
Stealing is wrong, you guys know that.
And don't try and rope Courtney
into your plan either.
- We're off that now.
- Yeah, Courtney already talked to us.
- Wait, Courtney talked to you?
- Yep.
And she told us you already know.
Wow, it seems like Courtney's been
a good role model for you, then.
So are we in trouble?
[SIGHS] Nah, go have fun.
- [STUDENT] Yes.
- There you go. Don't fight over 'em.
I think today we really
made a difference.
All we did was steal Courtney's backpack
for, like, ten minutes.
Okay, shouldn't you be getting ready
for the dunk tank?
[BLEEP]
Now, DeVonta, I need you
to hit them with a [GRUNTING] Right?
And then come through
with a [GRUNTING]
- Just throw me the ball.
- Uh-huh. Here we go.
Down, white 80, set. Hut.
- [CHEERING, WHOOPING]
- Come on! Come on!
Did you get that?
Uh, I'm gonna be honest with you, no.
- [AVA] Young Dom.
- Yes, ma'am.
- You really screwed up earlier.
- I know.
But then you saved it, which really
embraces the true spirit of AVA Fest.
That's the closest you'll ever get
to a "thank you" from me.
I'll take it.
Now add some extra salt to that popcorn
so people buy more water.
Yes, ma'am.
Nothing compares to the dopamine hit
of almost getting a thank you.
I finally understand being a teacher.
I feel like our fight wasn't
really about the Outer Banks.
Really? 'Cause it felt very much
about the Outer Banks.
[CHUCKLES] I think it was actually
about what the Outer Banks signified.
Look, I want to go
on a nice vacation with you
where I'm not stuck in the car
for half the time,
just because that's not relaxing for me,
you know.
And preferably on a beach.
Preferably out of the tristate area.
What do you want?
I want the same.
I just don't wanna have to deplete
my savings in order to do so.
Okay, I hear that.
Well, the Outer Banks can't
be the only beach in the world.
I mean, I don't even wanna hear
the words Outer Banks ever again.
Yeah, same. Forget about that place.
Ain't nothing but a poor man's
Martha's Vineyard.
[CHUCKLES] All right.
We gotta be able to find something
that checks both of our boxes.
Don't we have that teachers' conference
coming up in Miami?
Yes. I don't consider that a vacation.
But they do have a breakfast buffet,
complimentary. So I can see
No, no. I mean,
what if we combine our trips?
The district is covering
our flights down to Florida.
What if we got a flight from there
to somewhere else
- like Saint Lucia or the Bahamas or
- Oh! The Bahamas?
We could even drive there.
Okay, we cannot.
But it looks like
flights to the Bahamas
from Florida are pretty reasonable.
- Cheap even.
- Wait.
- You wanna go through customs with me?
- I do.
[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna get
so many key chains. One with sand in it.
- One with a palm tree.
- Sure. Yeah.
If this wasn't
already full of water, I
could fill this tank with happy tears.
Ava, we did it! Oh!
Come on, Barb.
[MELISSA] Yes! Oh! That's close.
It's really more for the parents, Barb.
Hey, you know what?
She paid her tickets
just like everybody else, pal.
- Quiet, please. I must focus.
- Okay.
You got this. Let's go. Go.
- That should've gone.
- Janine and Gregory built it wrong.
They were too focused
on their emotional turmoil.
- Here, you should try this.
- [JACOB] Wait, Barbara.
You are a woman of integrity.
Come on, respect the rules.
You can't
[CHEERING, WHOOPING]
- Yeah! Thank you.
- [MELISSA LAUGHING] In your face!
Oh, yeah, DeVonta.
You are a special kind of guy.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah. You can
never leave Philadelphia.
Is that a compliment or a threat?
Yes.
sync & corrections awaqeded