Ghosts (2021) s05e21 Episode Script

1
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
NANCY: Good day, sir.
I'm a weary traveler. Do you, perchance,
have an extra bed or
sofa where I could rest?
Alas, I do not.
But you're welcome to this
hard pallet of pine wood.
Not to be discourteous, but
I don't think that's pine.
I'm pretty sure it is.
Whatever, I'll take it.
Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
Ooh. I am parched.
Do you have any water?
Oh, as a matter of fact, I do.
I just fetched some from yonder stream.
Right.
So, is this the same stream
I saw villagers using as a commode?
The very same.
But don't worry.
The village is many paces upstream,
and as the water tumbles
down toward my dwelling,
it cleans itself. That's science.
Works for me.
[SIGHS]
Hey, what's this I hear
about cholera going around?
Alas, it has felled
many of my neighbors.
If only we could figure
out how it spreads,
maybe we could stop it.
If only.
[SIGHS]
That hits the spot.
♪
TAD: Sam, Jay, thanks for hopping on.
No problem, Mayor Tad.
- How's the vacation?
- Huh?
No, no, not a vacation.
A working trip for the
people of Ulster County.
This man is deeply corrupt.
Good for him.
Thor miss the salty brine of the ocean.
[SNIFFS]
Can almost smell it from here.
Pretty sure that's just the wolf urine.
I wanted to thank you two again
for helping to get my mayorship back,
and to let you know I have sold
my controlling interest
in Woodstone B and B.
- What?
- Can he do that?
You sold your stake in our business?
To who?
Ooh, was it someone famous?
"Chateau Chalamet"
has a nice ring to it.
Get ahold of yourself, woman.
He's so small, it drives me crazy.
It's a company called Ever Creek Water.
The evil conglomerate
that won't pick up our
empty water bottles?
Oh, so you know them. Great. Yeah.
They just made me an obscene offer.
SAMANTHA: Well, what
does this mean for us?
What do they want with Woodstone?
Fair question, so
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- I've texted you a number.
They will answer any
questions that you have.
Hope it works out. Thanks
again for everything.
I said I wanted that
flaming. I gotta go.
Great, so this huge
corporation that we hate
now owns a majority of
our home and business?
Should we call the number?
I guess.
[LINE RINGING]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank
you for calling Ever Creek.
If you're calling about
new service, press one.
If you're an existing
customer, press two.
If you've received notification about
a hostile takeover of
your business, press three.
Oh, three. Press three.
That's you.
HETTY: Who's ready to
watch some oh, look.
The bunker ghosts are here,
sitting on the couch again.
- Hey, Hetty.
- You guys have been here for like five hours.
Yeah, I mean, I was
happy to free you all
from your afterlife of
eternal servitude to Bruce,
but you're kind of
bogarting the TV, man.
TREVOR: Don't you have any
bunker commitments you
got to get back for?
- Not really.
- EUGENE: Ever since
the cult disbanded,
there's kind of no schedule down there.
It was oppressive but structured.
Yeah.
All you hear about with
cults is the brainwashing
and the weird sex stuff.
People don't talk enough
about the upsides of
a predictable calendar.
Well, can we at least
put on Bodices and Barons?
I believe a new episode just dropped,
as they say.
Trevor, do your finger thing.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Actually, we're kind of
in the middle of a Houdini documentary.
As you know,
I do magic, and we
were here first, so
You were here first?
[LAUGHS]
You were here first?
Yeah.
I built this house.
Well, technically a group of
Irish day laborers built the house,
along with a plucky group of orphans.
She's hard to root for but we love her.
HETTY: I know you bunker ghosts
were just unearthed,
so let me explain how
things work on this property.
The basement ghosts
stick to the basement. The
shed ghosts stick to the shed.
And the upstairs ghosts, well, this
is our domain.
Okay, but this documentary's
really interesting.
Did you know Houdini died
from a punch to the stomach?
Don't give me any ideas.
Okay.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Please continue to hold.
We hope you're having a refreshing day.
Representative!
Representative! We
need a representative.
That's what we said.
To King George. [LAUGHS]
That's called political humor.
They call this customer service?
When I was a travel agent,
I was available for my clients 24/7.
I can't tell you how many times
I had to pick up a suitcase
in the middle of the
night and drive it out
to some guy on the docks.
Babe, do you think that
might have been mob stuff?
What? No.
- Yeah, probably.
- RUBIN: Thank you for holding,
how can I quench your
thirst for information?
Elegant how they pull water theme
through entire customer
service experience.
SAMANTHA: Yeah, um,
we just found out that our property,
Woodstone Mansion, was recently sold
to Ever Creek, and we were hoping
for some information
about what that means.
Of course.
I have that information on tap.
Give me just a quick sec.
I'm scared, babe.
What if they don't want us
to run Woodstone anymore?
It's gonna be okay, Jay.
I hope.
Okay, I've pulled up your file.
So, it looks like
nothing's gonna change
[LAUGHS]
for 48 hours, at which point
your home will be demolished
and construction on an
Ever Creek data center
- will commence.
- Wait, what?
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
Yeah, can you not demolish our house?
I know, that would be great, right?
Let me put you on a brief
hold while I look into that.
No, wait!
Splish, splash, I was takin' a bath ♪
Long about a Saturday night ♪
Water theme continue. [CHUCKLES]
HENRY: This is indeed a
problem, dear neighbors.
A data center? On this property?
I guess it's a whole thing.
They like to set up shop in rural areas
next to water sources.
Betrayed by the magical creek.
MARGARET: I don't understand.
What does Ever Creek have
to do with a data center?
I thought they were a water company?
I guess there's been a bunch of mergers.
Now, they're also in telecommunications,
sports betting, weapons manufacturing.
They also have big presence in beef.
[CHUCKLES] Interesting fact.
I saw something about this on TV.
Those data centers are a scourge.
We can't have that in our community.
Sorry to hit you with all this
right when you get back
from your RV adventure.
[SCOFFS] "RV adventure."
That's a polite way of saying
"coast-to-coast sex romp."
HENRY: It was a glorious trip.
There were just so
many nooks and crannies
to explore all across
this great country.
No one want to think about that.
Is one reason why we
threw elders off cliff.
SAMANTHA: Anyway,
we know you know local
ordinances inside and out.
Do you think there's anything
we can do to stop this?
Well, there might be.
If a building in Ulster County
is designated a historical landmark,
it cannot be torn down.
Great, so how do we get designated
as a historical landmark?
Well, you would have to be approved
by the county historian Joe Patterson.
I can put you in touch with him.
Thank you so much for this.
We really appreciate it.
Don't mention it. Come along, Margaret.
We have an RV to deep clean. [CHUCKLES]
Would be safer to just burn it.
It's just not right,
tearing down a mansion
to make way for industry.
That is what working-class
neighborhoods are for.
What is a data center anyway?
TREVOR: I looked this up online.
Apparently, it is just a big warehouse
filled with computer parts.
Oh, like a giant RadioShack?
Well, that's not bad. That's
kind of great, actually.
I wonder what Tandy version
they're up to by now?
8,000? 9,000?
No, this is just a giant
room that is freezing cold
and extremely loud and
bright, like all the time.
But where will we sleep?
I need my eight hours.
I don't know why I need it, but I do.
I guess we'd sleep in the woods?
PETE: Well, you know me, I love
a campout, but every night for eternity?
Without s'mores, or getting to
pee on a fire in the morning?
TREVOR: Well, our
options are limited here.
These data centers are huge.
Everything is gonna be demolished,
except probably the bunker.
Ooh, well, why don't we
just ask the bunker ghosts
if we can live with them?
Right.
That may be complicated
at the moment, huh?
TREVOR: You mean because
you screamed at them,
and told them to stick
to their own domain,
which now you'd be asking to live in?
PETE: Well, maybe they're over that.
Or maybe none of this will even matter
because Sam and Jay will
find a way to save Woodstone
by outmaneuvering a powerful,
multinational corporation.
Yeah, I better go eat
some crow. [SNIFFS]
SAMANTHA: Thank you so much
for meeting with us, Joe.
As I shared on the phone,
our property has been sold
to an evil water conglomerate
and they're planning on tearing it down.
That's a shame. It's a
beautiful old building.
I love how you've kept so many
of the original details intact.
Definitely choice, not just because
they too broke to renovate.
JAY: You know, we were told that
if Woodstone is designated
a historical landmark,
then Ever Creek wouldn't
be allowed to demolish it.
The criteria for what
qualifies is quite specific.
Woodstone, while grand,
is rather run-of-the-mill
for mansions of this era.
[LAUGHS] Dibs on telling Hetty
this guy called her
house "run-of-the-mill."
Okay, well, what would qualify us?
Well, I recently awarded landmark status
to a nearby Revolutionary
War-era tavern, Pierre's.
Oh, I spent many an evening there.
The leg of horse, mmm.
So tender, the meat
fell right off the hoof.
JOE: But Pierre's hosted a bevy
of legendary figures from history.
Ben Franklin was a regular there.
Ben Franklin was a
regular at every tavern.
You know what would have
been historically significant?
If he had had a piece of broccoli.
What if I told you
someone historically
significant actually died here.
That would be very interesting.
That would command my attention.
All right, we all know
where this is heading.
Bertie Town.
Have you ever heard of
the famous jazz singer
Alberta Haynes?
She was murdered right
here at Woodstone.
Actually, I have heard of her.
- Yes!
- But, no,
she's nowhere near famous enough.
You son of a bitch.
Oof, that humiliation on par
with dying with small stupid hat.
JAY: Ooh!
There's also evidence
that Isaac Higgintoot died here.
SAMANTHA: Yes. He was a
Revolutionary War officer.
He negotiated the surrender
at Fort Ticonderoga.
And he was just across the street
during the signing of the
Declaration of Independence.
JAY: He would have been there,
but they started earlier.
Yeah, it doesn't sound great
when you line it all up like that.
Tell them about time Isaac turn into bat
and attack Alexander Hamilton.
That was from the book.
You know that wasn't real, right?
Yes.
[WHISPERING]: Dumbass.
Hey, guys. See, I told you
the water line would take us right here.
[SHRIEKS] That was harrowing!
I think a snake went
right through my face.
EUGENE: Well, if it
isn't the upstairs ghosts.
Hetty.
Uh, I came here to apologize.
I was wrong to lash out as I did.
And truth be told, I was a little
I believe the word is "hangry."
She hasn't eaten since the
Grover Cleveland administration.
HETTY: The point is,
I do deeply regret my behavior.
Yeah, we heard about the data center.
Let me guess, you all
want to move in here
now that they're
tearing down the mansion?
Oh. Nothing could be
further from the truth.
But now you bring it up,
it is a gracious invitation
we happily accept.
I'll tell you what, we'll let you all
move in here, except for Hetty.
Hey, man, Hetty is our friend,
and we're not gonna
abandon her like that.
Indeed. We are one and we have spoken.
Well, if that's your
choice, then, I respect it
but none of you can move in.
Enjoy huddling together
outside in the dead of winter.
- Yeah, okay, we'll take the deal.
- Sorry, Hetty.
- Can I get a top bunk?
- Ugh!
Apparently, they can't
tear down the mansion
if someone historically
significant died here.
I might be historically significant.
I ate an orange once.
Yeah, I'm not sure that's
gonna move the needle.
You should tell them your secret.
Oh, shut it, you sack of turds.
I don't want anyone to know about that.
- Not even if it saves Woodstone?
- [EXHALES]
Okay, so, you're saying
a Viking died here.
- That's right.
- Which would be
extremely historically significant.
Is nice to hear.
And you actually had
remains that could prove it,
but for some reason,
you pushed those remains
out into the middle of a
lake and set them on fire?
It was sort of a Viking funeral.
Uh, perhaps the first
one in Ulster County.
Huh? Is that something?
It is something,
just not something
that can help you here.
ALBERTA: Oh, this isn't good.
We're running out of ghosts.
Anyway, I should probably be going.
Hey, guys. What's going on?
Uh, w-what about Pete
Martino, who died here?
He-he was a famous local cuckold.
Okay, not my favorite
way to walk into a room.
I'm not sure I know who that is,
and if being a cuckold were
enough to get landmark status,
my home would have
had a plaque years ago.
Feels like there's a story there.
It was wonderful meeting you two.
I'm sorry this didn't go your way.
[SIGHS]
What are we gonna do?
We are so screwed.
I heard you're looking for
someone who's dead and famous.
Well, look no further.
Nancy, what are you talking about?
I've got a story to tell.
It's something I never
wanted anyone to know,
but if it'll save Woodstone,
I guess now's the time to tell you.
The thing is
I'm a princess.
Jay, Nancy just told everyone
that she's a princess.
- Okay.
- ALBERTA: Yeah,
we're gonna need you to say more.
Nancy's not my real name.
I was born
Princess Adeline Marie
Dunham of Bedford.
We lived in a castle. I had servants.
I crapped in a golden
bowl. The whole nine.
Mother, why must I
sit for this portrait?
It is most tiresome.
We intend to send it to
the Prince of Liechtenstein.
Hopefully, it will make
a favorable impression,
and he will take you for his wife.
Mm, but I don't wish to marry him.
I hear he smells bad.
I mean, we all smell pretty bad,
so if you're hearing
about how someone smells,
that can't be pleasant.
Don't be ridiculous.
It will be a comfortable
life of teas and balls
with others of the noble class.
It is the life you were born for.
Oh, but those things don't interest me.
I wish to cavort by creeks,
run in fields, speak plainly
and, if I'm being honest, lay
with many different people.
You're describing the
life of a commoner.
So, I ran away.
On a royal trip to Canada,
I slipped away in the night,
ditched my fancy duds and
reinvented myself as Nancy.
You're the lost princess of Bedford?
I-I read about that in
school. That was a big deal.
JAY: Okay, now, that sounds
- plaque-worthy.
- THORFINN: Nancy,
why you never tell anyone?
'Cause I'm embarrassed.
It was a dumbass thing to do.
What did I think was so terrible, huh?
Eating bonbons all day? Frickin' idiot.
This whole time, Nancy was fancy.
The problem is, Joe is gonna want proof.
What about this?
It's got my initials on it.
Nancy has a locket with
her real initials on it.
Okay, but how does that help
us? We need the real necklace.
Well, hell, I don't know.
My cholera-ravaged corpse
has got to be around here somewhere.
Go rooting around.
So, we have to dig up your body?
JAY: Okay, I'll go
put on my grave-digging gloves.
No need. Thor has seen necklace before,
and Thor know where to find it.
You people have some nerve.
What are you talking about?
No, seriously, I do
need to get caught up.
TREVOR: Hetty, let's be adults
about this. I get that you're upset.
Did someone eat your alfalfa sandwich
from the commune fridge,
even though you clearly marked it?
I hate when that happens.
How could you all so
quickly accept that offer?
We were simply cutting to the chase.
How exactly do you figure?
Inevitably, you would have told us
to carry forth without you.
We would've objected,
you would have insisted.
TREVOR: Back and forth it would go,
until finally, we gave in to your wish.
[WHISPERS]: You're welcome.
This has been a most difficult day.
The thing I spent my life building
my house, my life's work
could very well be demolished.
And it shall be as
though I never existed.
And it is in this darkest of hours,
that my "friends" choose to forsake me.
Are you two happy with yourselves?
I hope that sandwich was worth it.
Necklace in there.
How do you know that?
Many years ago, Thor watch
Hetty's father take necklace
off Nancy's dead body,
then gift to Hetty.
- Lovely.
- He claim he had it made for her
by fine European jeweler.
Hetty keep necklace in there.
Oh, my God, Jay, I think this is it.
Yeah, there it is. The one
thing I kept from my old life.
A.D., for "Adeline Dunham,"
which is Nancy's real princess name!
Wow, crazy stuff happening
in ghost world today.
But how did Hetty's dad
explain those initials?
He say it stand for "adorable daughter."
Quick thinking, Thor thought.
He awful, but wise.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, guys.
I think a groundhog
went through my stomach.
Oh, I hate the dirt.
What do you guys want?
We want to talk to you about the whole
"leaving Hetty out" thing.
I-It's not cool.
FLOWER: Yeah, cults aren't
about excluding people.
They're about bringing people in,
gradually poisoning all of
their outside relationships
and then not letting them leave.
And while we appreciate
you agreeing to shelter us,
we could not abandon
our friend to do so.
Okay. Sounds good.
- Yeah, good luck with everything.
- Yeah.
Oh, come on, bunker buddies.
Why can't you just take Hetty in?
She hates us and she's so mean.
- Yeah.
- Very astute.
- She
- How about this?
We agree to take you in, Hetty included,
but we want our TV privileges back.
Even in the event that Woodstone
is spared from demolition.
But if Woodstone were to be spared,
we wouldn't need your help any longer.
That's their point, Isaac.
They're exercising leverage.
It's something I understand
well from my trading days.
You guys know who Jordan Belfort was?
No.
Well, I was at his bachelor party.
So, do we have a deal?
Fine.
And thank you. We shall be on our way.
A-Actually, we'll come with you.
There's a six-part
Doug Henning documentary
I wanted to jump into.
[SIGHS]
No groundhogs, no
groundhogs, no groundhogs
[SHOUTS] Right in my mouth!
Damn these dirt squirrels.
Oh, thank you again for
stepping up in the end.
- Mm.
- I truly appreciate your friendship.
- Oh, we could not abandon you.
- Hmm.
Can you two keep it down?
I can't hear Doug talk about
the wonder of magic.
But next time, don't ever
make a deal without me.
- You all got hosed.
- Yeah, that's fair.
- [SHUSHES]
- FLOWER: Maybe sleeping outside
wouldn't have been so bad. [CHUCKLES]
Although nature can be scary.
I was once eaten by a bear.
Hmm. That was tough to watch.
The cubs were cute,
though, when they joined in.
[SNORTS]
Well, this is exquisite.
Late Regency. The period
certainly seems to be correct.
And those are clearly the lost
princess's initials, right?
True, but unfortunately, this necklace
could have belonged to
anybody with these initials.
JAY: Uh Joe, buddy, this is close.
Tie goes to the runner. Plaque us up.
I'm just saying, it's not conclusive.
Unlike the texts I
found on my wife's phone.
We didn't have texting in my day.
Otherwise, I would have figured out
the whole Carol/Jerry
thing a lot sooner.
They go away for two-week
trip to Bermuda, Pete.
Tell you it was for "bowling league."
Okay, there were signs.
Let me know if you're able to
find more concrete evidence.
Thank you.
Okay, we need to tie
this necklace to Nancy.
Well, this is a long shot,
but there's a painting of me wearing it.
What? Really? W-Where is it?
Oh, beats me.
Mother was gonna send it to that prince
so he could perv out on it,
but then I left, so
my best guess is that
it's still in my family's
castle collecting dust.
I mean, maybe, but it
could be anywhere by now.
Nancy says there is a portrait
of her wearing the necklace,
but it might be in her family's
castle, or anywhere, really.
So, we have less than
72 hours to track down
a 200-year-old painting which
may or may not still exist,
and if we don't, an
evil water conglomerate's
gonna destroy our home and business?
You know, Sam gets most of
the credit for summarizing,
- but he's not bad, either.
- Mm-hmm.