Rescue Me s05e21 Episode Script
Jump
Previously on rescue me - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
You looking for mike? No.
I'm looking for you.
Turns out candy's got money.
She's got an uncle that made a tidy little bundle in the plumbing business.
- Her take?About 250 large.
- Holy shit.
No, she told me about the money thursday night.
You know, it was kind of like a test.
One that ken passed with flying colors.
Ma'am, you can't go-- Come on! Get her the hell out of there! That was awesome.
What the hell was in that box the other night? Yeah, yeah.
What was in that box the other night? None of your business.
I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I wasn't expecting any hanky panky at all.
You still got to go.
Ok.
You're not a rock star.
You're a fireman.
Yeah, for now, but kelly's hooking us up with this a&r guy.
And after we rock his world, he's going to sign apache stone to his label.
If I don't get back in the ring soon, I swear to god, I'm going to yank some bum off the sidewalk and beat him senseless.
Come on, man.
You might have a moral issue with this.
Guy brought it to me last week.
- It's a chick.
- A chick.
I married jimmy because he wasn't like me.
He was sweet.
I mean, you know, he was really sweet up until that time when he cheated on me.
He had an affair, and I found out.
Who'd you sleep with? Don't you worry about it.
Did you sleep with jimmy keefe? So what would be easier for you if I slept with jimmy back in the day before any of us got married, or if I slept with him a few weeks before he died? Are you sure that's a woman? Compared to her, I think i might be a woman.
Oh, good.
I thought I was the only one.
You know, when her manager said she put 2 guys in the hospital, I thought, you know, he was just building up her rep.
But after looking at her, it ain't that hard to believe.
She put 2 guys in the hospital? One was only there for a week.
And what about the other one? Well, you know, he's--he's walking.
Again.
- I'm not doing this.
- Hey, come on, franco.
Come on.
We're preparing for this forever.
Now, all of a sudden, you're afraid to get in there and hit what we all think is a woman? I'm not afraid of hitting her.
I'm afraid of her hitting me.
Don't look now, but your nephew is getting close to usurping franco as the 62 truck pussy hound.
Tough luck for the kid, huh? Cozying up to a room full of pussies that would rather be licked by a bitch than a hound.
Great.
Next time, a little louder.
- I'll be right back.
- Great.
- Relax.
- I'Mrelaxed.
- Really? - Yes.
Ok.
Cool.
It's like dike de soleil in here.
You know, I never really realized how many lesbians walk among us.
I mean, the big, manly, no makeup ones, you can see, sure.
I mean, you can look them up on google earth, see them from space.
But the good-looking ones--who knew? Really makes me rethink all the chicks I made out with in college.
And then the ones right after college.
And then that one a couple of years ago in paris.
But we were both on ecstasy at the time, so I don't think that was really, like, a fully-- - Ok.
- Lesbian-- - I got it.
- You want to talk about the kid? Yeah.
I'd--talk about anything you want to.
But let's start with the kid.
Let's-- I changed my mind about you.
Us.
And why would that be? I mean, it would probably be fun.
You know, seriously, if the parts fit right, it would be a cage match-- you know, blood on the wall, sparks flying, tons of crazy, angry sex, neighbors calling the cops, endless rounds of make-up sex.
But let's face it.
Both of us are a little too old for all of that.
Well, you are.
And if i was really being totally honest with you about what--uh, - what's his name again? - Damian? Right.
I'm here with him because he's easy.
You know?10, 12 tequilas--actually 5, in his case-- bullshitting, some small talk about--about--shit.
I don't even remember what he yammers on about.
I take him back to my place, we fool around, and I send him on his way.
It's easy.
- It was the kiss, right? - No.
Look.
I banged my head, number one, which I think i mentioned, ok? And then, you were looming over me.
I don't have a problem with the looming, but my head hurt, ok? So let's--go ahead.
12 tequilas? I can drink 12 tequilas.
And we'll take some ecstasy.
Let's, you know-- let's fly to paris and pretend I have tits.
- I don't-- - It wasn't the kiss.
What was it then? - It was the kiss.
- I figured.
I'm kidding.
It's me.
I told you, I'm not into boyfriends, and you got big, bad boatload of boyfriend written all over your david bowie face.
Taking the easy way out.
- Get your ice-cold beer here.
- Hey, thanks you.
What's his name again? Cutie pie.
Hey, let's go find a seat.
All right.
Come on, franco! What are you doing, franco? Come on! What are you doing, franc? I seen a lot of pussy in my day, asshole, but you are by far the biggest! Hey, relax, ladies.
Remember, you're all gentlemen.
Oh, blow me, asshole.
Well, whip it out, rupaul.
Look, I got one! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa! You know, I think I'm kind of over this boxing thing.
It brings out the worst in people.
I think I'm over this lesbo thing for the same goddamn reason.
Yeah.
You want to, uh, I don't know, maybe go grab a drink or something? Yeah, you're right.
Bad idea.
Good fight.
**************************** *************************** Season 05 Episode 21 Hey, guys, negotiator's on his way.
Copy that.
All right.
Guys, let's go easy here.
Easy.
Hey! Don't come any closer! Isn't this, like, a cop thing? You think I won't jump? I'm doing it! Yeah.
Our new friend is getting ready for his dismount.
You got an eta on this negotiator? Don't come any closer? Negotiator's 10 away.
Oh, my dear.
I hope we didn't wake him.
He's coming from a job uptown.
They're doing the best they can.
Well, it's not good enough.
Get away from me, all of you! All right, look.
One of us is going to have to engage this guy in conversation.
Tom? No.
You don't want me talking to him.
If it takes too long, i might end up convincing him to pull a greg louganis, and the way my life's going, I might be right on his heels.
Back off, now! There's nothing you can do! I'll try.
You sure? Wouldn't be the first time.
What are you saying, you talked down a jumper before? My brother, like 5 years ago.
Got dumped by his girl and threatened to jump off the roof of our building.
Listen, just--just--just talk to him, all right? Just keep him engaged.
Just don't try to jump for him, all right? Don't do anything until that negotiator gets here.
- You got me? - Yeah.
I got your back.
Brought you a jacket.
I'm not cold.
You're turning blue, bro.
Who gives a shit? I got nothing now.
Money, wife, my daughter.
It's all gone.
Come on, man.
Talk to me.
What's your name? Leave me alone.
What's your daughter's name? April.
April.
That's a nice name.
So what happened? I got caught in a ponzi scheme.
Lost it all-- $11 million, my business.
Why wouldn't she leave me? What do I have left to offer? - Well, I'm sure you've got a lot more-- - Who gives a shit? - Ok.
I just thought-- - Who the hell are you, anyway? I'm shawn with the fdny.
Shawn.
You know what it's like to lose everything? Everything, no.
But I've lost things, people.
A person.
Nobody close.
Yeah.
Real close.
Man.
World's a crazy place right now.
A lot of people hurting.
Now, i don't blame you for being where you are, but you got to think about your daughter.
You know?I mean, you think it's tough losing your money and your wife.
How's april going to feel when she loses her father? Everybody loses something one time or another.
It's how we overcome this shit that makes us who we are.
Jesus christ.
What self-help book did you pull that out of? I thought I just made it up, but I guess I saw it in a movie or something.
- Jerry maguire.
- What? Jerry maguire.
You know, tom cruise, renee zellweger.
I think that's where that quote was from.
No, no.
No.
- That's not from jerry maguire.
- That was a great movie.
Yeah, it was a great movie.
But that was, you know, "show me the money" and "you complete me," ok, not what you're talking about.
- I hated that "you complete me" bullshit.
- Just a second.
You're thinking of the game plan with the rock, 'cause I know you see all the rock movies 'cause you think you look like him, ok? - So that's-- - Whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? That jerry maguire, man, that was all about the ladies, man.
I mean, the chicks dug it, right? Damn straight.
Yeah.
Come on, man.
Take the jacket.
You're turning into papa smurf over there.
Come on, man, take it.
- Ok.
- All right.
That's it.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
So what's your name? Brad.
- Oh, sh--oh-- Shawn! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Tommy! - Tommy, get me! - Come on! - Tommy! - Come on! You all right? Yeah.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
All right.
Come on.
- You see that? - What? Right there, another jumper.
No.
- It's right there.
Right there.
- No, no, no, man.
You all right? My mind must be playing tricks on me.
Look, man.
Sorry about your brother, you know? I don't have a brother.
Oh, man.
If at first you don't succeed I talked him down.
Looks like I'm zero for 2.
Well, listen-- Look, tommy, I don't want to hear any speeches, all right? Look Did you hear me? I don't want any goddamn speeches from you.
She told me how you handle your shit.
Jimmy keefe got killed, all them other brothers on 9/11, even when your son got run over, you did the exact same thing each and eveyr time.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
You got yourself good and shitfaced, jumped into bed with whatever piece of ass happened to catch your crotch at the time.
You know, that's what she thinks I'm going to do to her.
Goddamn, man.
No respect for the family.
No thought about anybody but you.
Now, that's all she knows, man.
That's the damage you did to her.
Now I got to deal with the shitstorm that you put in colleen's head.
Know what, man? You're a goddamn asshole.
A selfish, one-way, drunk-ass piece of shit.
You know that? What, man? Come on.
See, that's what I'm talking about, tommy.
That was my shit.
You're right.
Yep.
Listen.
Just don't--don't do what I did.
I mean, you know-- drinking, do--you know, you're full of rage.
That's not going to change anything.
That's not going to bring your brother back.
You know what I mean? You want to change something? Go in the house.
Go in the house and talk to colleen.
Tell her, you know, you love her.
Hug her.
She doesn't hug me anymore.
I mean, I can-- I can only get a hug out of her if I buy her something.
It's too late tonight.
All the stores are closed.
Just go in there, give her a hug, tell her how much you love her, tell her how pretty her eyes are, tell her how beautiful, sexy she is in her new prada boots.
She bought new boots? I bought her new boots 'cause I just didn't want to-- make sure she was still on my side in case the janet thing really goes south.
But Can things go any further south for you and janet, man? Hey, kid.
We're talking about marriage.
It's a bottomless well.
True south doesn't exist when it comes to marriage.
What? Well, hey.
That was some real father-son type shit there, tommy.
Yeah, well Hey.
You know This--the swaying shit's kind of creeping me out, man.
Come on, man, you know I love you.
Yeah.
You know, I think there is a guy on that bridge.
- Holy shit.
Where? - Aw, just kidding, man.
Jesus christ.
Get in there, man.
All right? Seriously, man, I love you.
Ok, ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for the D.
B.
S.
All right, guys, on 3.
Together!Ready? - Together! - Together.
Let's go.
we're--we're apache stone.
Uh--oh, yeah, right.
We're the D.
B.
S now.
We changed the name.
We used to be called apache stone, which I really dug, because I actually have, like, Shut up and play something, dickwad.
okay, uh this song's called synthetic cell phone.
Self.
Synthetic self.
# Nothin' left to look at but what lies inside me, # # my false reality cannot take what lies ahead, # # clear the path of destination is what you once said to me, # I--I wish the fresh time, # nothing left to spend # Boys, I don't know where to start.
Fantastic.
It was fantastic.
I see a lot of potential here, all right? You're all going to be rich and famous in less than 12 months.
- All right.
- Dude, that's awesome.
Yeah.
What was your name again? Hey.
I'm mike.
Yeah.
Just got to get rid of him.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell you talking about?It's his band.
Look, no.
I give your friend credit.
He put together a talented group of musicians here who are going to do just great standing behind this gorgeous 21-year-old junkie from san diego I signed.
Hey, listen, you little twerp.
I'm detecting a little bit of tone here, and I'm not sure that I like it.
- What tone are you picking up? - That you don't like mike.
Mike would be? Yeah.
Mike is him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't like him.
All right.
Other guys, you can either stay with him or you can sign a deal with the next big thing.
Your choice.
Well, I'm out.
Yeah.
See, I got into this thing for one reason-- pussy.
But I've got more than enough since being a firefighter, so I don't really need to be in a band with a bunch of douchebags.
No offense.
All right.
What's it going to be, guys? We in business? You all get 20 grand as a bonus as soon as you sign.
- Really?I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Let's do it.
- Wait--wait a second.
Hold on.
Now, back up, all right? Let's just take a deep breath here.
What this guy's telling you-- come on.
They're just promises, words, maybes.
Mike and I, we will give you more than this guy could ever give you, right? Remember me?I'm the guy that hooked you up with the routan.
- Whoa.
You got routan? - Yeah.
I've heard about that stuff.
It's great.
You got, like, pills, powder? Uh, no.
It's a van.
It's a car.
It's a V.
W.
Guys.
Come on.
Look at this baby, huh? See this? This is real, ok?You can reach right out and touch it.
This is mikey and me believing in you guys, all right? - That's a V.
W.
- Yes, it is.
I got a buddy in jersey owns a dealership.
You get me 3 of them, that color.
What? You get me 3 of them in that color.
Yeah.
Need one for the city, one for my place in the hamptons, one for the vineyard.
You give him my card.
You tell him to call me.
Sweet, dude.
I just unloaded 3 routans.
Sorry about that dumbass remark, man.
Really, just heat of the moment.
Don't worry.
Pleasure doing business with you.
- Hey, buddy.
- What the hell, dude? This guy just shitcans me from my own band, and you're, like, best friends with him? No, dude.
Come on.
3 routans.
You know.
Sorry.
Hey, fellas.
Let's get out of here, huh? Come on.
Office is uptown.
Get some drinks, grab a b-12 shot, you know, talk a little contracts.
Come on.
Let's go.
Now get out of here, you genius.
Miga, ginger, show the boys a good time.
There you go.
Hey, I'm back.
You know, you left the door unlocked.
It wasn't even closed all the way-- ken? Kenny? - Hello.
- Hey.
Hey.
- It's me.
- That helps.
Little more specific, please.
Tommy.
- Gavin? - Yes.
- The firefighter.
- Oh, jesus.
- I'm kidding.
- What's up? Whoa.
Listen.
I don't think you're telling me the truth, ok? I don't have to tell you the truth.
Hello? Tommy? Hello? Shit.
Yeah.
It's open.
Come in.
I bribed the super 50 bucks to cough up where you were.
Want to tell me what the hell's going on? Why don't you go first? I go out of town 2 nights.
I come back-- All right.
You know what? I'll go first.
I'll go first, ok? All right.
Ok.
Number one--ahem.
Probably not, in retrospect, a good idea to get a joint bank account because, it turns out, I got a little bit of residual anger left over from when you took all my money a couple of years ago.
So what I did was, i went out and I just bought a whole bunch of stuff.
I got a flatscreen tv.
I got this beautiful massaging recliner that's on its way over.
And--oh! I got this.
Oj simpson's heisman trophy.
I saw it on ebay, and I just had to have it.
Of course, when it got here, I realized there was an "s" missing from heisman, so really what I have is a heiman trophy.
But it's still money well-spent in my book.
You spent all my money.
No, no.
No.
I, uh--I gave some to charity, and, um-- and, you know, the rest I'm keeping, the amount that you stole from me, plus interest.
You asshole.
That money was left to me by my uncle.
Yeah.
Uh, your uncle that died.
- Yes.
- Which brings me to point number 2.
In the future, you should probably do a much better job at hiding any kind of personal identification that has your real, actual name on it, barbara callahan.
You know, I never liked the name barbara.
I had an aunt barbara.
She used to fondle me when I was a kid, which, don't get me wrong, i didn't mind, but she also used to make me eat my broccoli.
That kind of killed the whole buzz for me.
So, hide it, honey, because your husband could just very easily jump on the internet and find out a whole bunch of information on you, including the fact that your uncle is still very much alive and living - outside of madison, wisconsin.
- My uncle is dead.
Well, if that's the case, he's an amazing conversationalist.
And he sent me a picture of you from about 10 years ago.
And it's definitely you.
A husband knows these things.
And he also, um, ahem, told me to give you a heads-up that there's a warrant for your arrest, um, from tampa, florida, probably the last guy that you ripped off to the tune of about 250,000 dol-- isn't that the same amount of money that your dead uncle left you? Ok.
You want to know the truth? No.
You know what, honey? Forget about the truth.
You're no good at it.
Just let it go.
What happened in tampa-- I'm innocent.
Ok.
Which brings us to point number 3.
I paid the super 100 bucks to give me a heads-up on when you were on your way over here, and I'm looking out of my big, new, magnificent, beautiful new windows, and I see you walking up into my building, and I call the cops, and I tell the cops that I have a fugitive from justice in my apartment.
So you know what? If you're innocent, please, sit down and join me for a drink.
But if you're not, I would start running, mrs.
Shea.
You have just made the biggest mistake of your life.
So I'm leaving, but not because the cops are coming.
And you're going to be alone and I hope you spend every second thinking about what you've just done.
At least I still got my heiman.
Intact.
Kelly? I heard the television.
I know you're in there.
I swear to god, kelly.
I'll break this goddamn door down.
Yeah.
I'd like to see that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All right.
Well here I go.
I'm going to do it.
Ok.
Ok.
Jesus christ.
That goddamn door's made out of-- Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
- Get out.
- What? - Get out.
- Yeah, right.
Yeah.
Get out.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
Get out.
Get out.
Ok.
Ok.
I'm not leaving, ok? Because you're lying.
You're lying about that box, and you're lying about the-- kissing, which is--taste-- tasted good.
But you can't bullshit a bullshitter.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey! No.
No.
- Yes.
- No.
Yes.
You're going to tell me what's in this box.
No, you're going to give me it.
- What the hell are you so afraid of? - Give me the box.
- Last chance.
- It's my goddamn box.
Tell me what's in the box, or I open it myself.
S-s-she's beautiful.
She's dead.
She was 4 months old and one sunday, she woke up with a cough.
And then, it got worse during the day, so I called the doctor, and he thought she was just colicky, but I thought--well, anyways I brought her in that night, and, um then her breathing started to get bad, and then, they told me she had a heart defect, and then, on monday, she passed away in my arms.
She had such a sweet little face, you know, and when she went, her cheeks, they turned-- gray.
So suddenly, they-- just gray.
Uh, my son--ahem.
It was kind of the same thing.
We were--you know, we were on the-- street outside the apartment.
He was riding his bike, and he was further down the block, and after he got hit, uh--was a few seconds for me to run from where I was to where he was, and in that-- uh, amount of time s--in my gut was that he--he was gone by the time i got there.
But--I mean, my brain didn't want to believe it, but I knew that, uh, you know-- as soon as I laid eyes on him, it was Yeah.
See, that's exactly what I don't need.
I don't need to hear somebody else's story.
I don't need anybody to understand.
I don't need anything.
I just need you to leave.
You're not leaving.
No.
All right, guys.
One for everyone.
Nice.
Now--ahem.
I have a few words I'd like to say.
If I could just get all your attention.
You know, you guys are the best bunch of goddamn firemen I've ever worked with, and I know we just had a little situation--a little setback-- but we did the best that we could, which is all we can do.
And I'm going to tell you right now, if that situation happened again you're still a bunch of goddamn firemen i would like behind, beside, and beyond me.
- Thank you, tommy.
- Well-said.
Bottoms up.
More whiskey? Shit turns my stomach.
Hey, don't worry about it, black shawn.
We got a little something in the back for you-- peach-flavored vodka.
Really?That's what I'm talking about.
Well, then, what the hell we doing drinking this shit?Bring it on.
- Yeah!Yeah! - Come on, man! All right.
All right! Unbelievable.
Yeah.
I like peaches.
You know what would be a great invention? Peaches that, when you bite into them, the vodka's already in them.
How can we get that going? Well, first off, we're going to need an alcoholic with an orchard.
Easy, honey.
Easy.
Slow down.
Shut up, queer bait.
Goddamn, I love this woman.
No one's in charge of me.
Right, tom? That is right, sweetheart.
Yeah, but you know what? You might want to take it easy.
That's all he's saying.
Really? Listen, why don't you go order up another wife on the internet, asshole, ok?Because the one you got, she kisses like a doorknob.
Yeah.
What the hell are you laughing at? That line, a wife on the internet, tickled me.
Yeah?How about you tickle my balls? One more drink.
So, how's your cock? What color is it now? It's teal.
Really? - You don't want to know.
- No, no.
You can't say that your cock is now teal-colored and not expect-- All right.
I used a bleaching agent, ok? It's supposed to lighten your skin, you know, how like michael jackson did when he was black, and then he turned almost white.
Well, you know, you do the math.
What math? You're not supposed to use it on your cock or your balls.
Ok.
What color are your-- not going to ask what color your balls are.
I-- where's this faggoty-ass vodka at? Well, here's one bottle.
I think there's another case somewhere behind all that other shit.
I'll go get them started.
- Ok.
- Uh, they're pink, by the way.
My balls.
In case you were still wondering.
They're supposed to be pink.
Perfect.
Jesus christ.
You got nothing to say to me? No? Ok.
Just wanted to drop by, make sure you knew that-- I wasn't lying to you when i told you I wouldn't have slept with janet, you know, after 9/11.
If you had died instead of me, I just wouldn'T.
Especially since, well, seeing as how I'd already had her - Everything all right? - Yeah.
- You need a hand? - No, no, no.
No.
- Hey, can-- - Nah.
Busy.
You guys drank all this shit already? - Mostly shawn.
- Where the hell did ellie go to? She went to pick up the dog at the kennel.
You guys got a dog? Yes.
Yes, we do.
Does it drink? I don't know.
But I'm sure if it was here and you were pouring, it would sure as hell start.
Well, guys, listen.
I want to make a toast to tommy.
Let me get you started, shawny.
So, tommy, who's got us all back on the road to liver failure.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
We'll follow you anywhere, tom, as long as you keep dishing out the booze.
Oh, yeah?Well, you better pack a couple of bags, guys, 'cause it's going to be a long goddamn trip.
All right.
To tommy, greatest goddamn fireman, best goddamn father, best goddamn father-in-law.
I got you! You should have saw--the look on your face was funny.
I'm just busting your balls, son.
Come on, drink up.
- Cheers! - Cheers.
To you, tom.
- Oh, hey.
You looking for mike? No.
I'm looking for you.
Turns out candy's got money.
She's got an uncle that made a tidy little bundle in the plumbing business.
- Her take?About 250 large.
- Holy shit.
No, she told me about the money thursday night.
You know, it was kind of like a test.
One that ken passed with flying colors.
Ma'am, you can't go-- Come on! Get her the hell out of there! That was awesome.
What the hell was in that box the other night? Yeah, yeah.
What was in that box the other night? None of your business.
I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I wasn't expecting any hanky panky at all.
You still got to go.
Ok.
You're not a rock star.
You're a fireman.
Yeah, for now, but kelly's hooking us up with this a&r guy.
And after we rock his world, he's going to sign apache stone to his label.
If I don't get back in the ring soon, I swear to god, I'm going to yank some bum off the sidewalk and beat him senseless.
Come on, man.
You might have a moral issue with this.
Guy brought it to me last week.
- It's a chick.
- A chick.
I married jimmy because he wasn't like me.
He was sweet.
I mean, you know, he was really sweet up until that time when he cheated on me.
He had an affair, and I found out.
Who'd you sleep with? Don't you worry about it.
Did you sleep with jimmy keefe? So what would be easier for you if I slept with jimmy back in the day before any of us got married, or if I slept with him a few weeks before he died? Are you sure that's a woman? Compared to her, I think i might be a woman.
Oh, good.
I thought I was the only one.
You know, when her manager said she put 2 guys in the hospital, I thought, you know, he was just building up her rep.
But after looking at her, it ain't that hard to believe.
She put 2 guys in the hospital? One was only there for a week.
And what about the other one? Well, you know, he's--he's walking.
Again.
- I'm not doing this.
- Hey, come on, franco.
Come on.
We're preparing for this forever.
Now, all of a sudden, you're afraid to get in there and hit what we all think is a woman? I'm not afraid of hitting her.
I'm afraid of her hitting me.
Don't look now, but your nephew is getting close to usurping franco as the 62 truck pussy hound.
Tough luck for the kid, huh? Cozying up to a room full of pussies that would rather be licked by a bitch than a hound.
Great.
Next time, a little louder.
- I'll be right back.
- Great.
- Relax.
- I'Mrelaxed.
- Really? - Yes.
Ok.
Cool.
It's like dike de soleil in here.
You know, I never really realized how many lesbians walk among us.
I mean, the big, manly, no makeup ones, you can see, sure.
I mean, you can look them up on google earth, see them from space.
But the good-looking ones--who knew? Really makes me rethink all the chicks I made out with in college.
And then the ones right after college.
And then that one a couple of years ago in paris.
But we were both on ecstasy at the time, so I don't think that was really, like, a fully-- - Ok.
- Lesbian-- - I got it.
- You want to talk about the kid? Yeah.
I'd--talk about anything you want to.
But let's start with the kid.
Let's-- I changed my mind about you.
Us.
And why would that be? I mean, it would probably be fun.
You know, seriously, if the parts fit right, it would be a cage match-- you know, blood on the wall, sparks flying, tons of crazy, angry sex, neighbors calling the cops, endless rounds of make-up sex.
But let's face it.
Both of us are a little too old for all of that.
Well, you are.
And if i was really being totally honest with you about what--uh, - what's his name again? - Damian? Right.
I'm here with him because he's easy.
You know?10, 12 tequilas--actually 5, in his case-- bullshitting, some small talk about--about--shit.
I don't even remember what he yammers on about.
I take him back to my place, we fool around, and I send him on his way.
It's easy.
- It was the kiss, right? - No.
Look.
I banged my head, number one, which I think i mentioned, ok? And then, you were looming over me.
I don't have a problem with the looming, but my head hurt, ok? So let's--go ahead.
12 tequilas? I can drink 12 tequilas.
And we'll take some ecstasy.
Let's, you know-- let's fly to paris and pretend I have tits.
- I don't-- - It wasn't the kiss.
What was it then? - It was the kiss.
- I figured.
I'm kidding.
It's me.
I told you, I'm not into boyfriends, and you got big, bad boatload of boyfriend written all over your david bowie face.
Taking the easy way out.
- Get your ice-cold beer here.
- Hey, thanks you.
What's his name again? Cutie pie.
Hey, let's go find a seat.
All right.
Come on, franco! What are you doing, franco? Come on! What are you doing, franc? I seen a lot of pussy in my day, asshole, but you are by far the biggest! Hey, relax, ladies.
Remember, you're all gentlemen.
Oh, blow me, asshole.
Well, whip it out, rupaul.
Look, I got one! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa! You know, I think I'm kind of over this boxing thing.
It brings out the worst in people.
I think I'm over this lesbo thing for the same goddamn reason.
Yeah.
You want to, uh, I don't know, maybe go grab a drink or something? Yeah, you're right.
Bad idea.
Good fight.
**************************** *************************** Season 05 Episode 21 Hey, guys, negotiator's on his way.
Copy that.
All right.
Guys, let's go easy here.
Easy.
Hey! Don't come any closer! Isn't this, like, a cop thing? You think I won't jump? I'm doing it! Yeah.
Our new friend is getting ready for his dismount.
You got an eta on this negotiator? Don't come any closer? Negotiator's 10 away.
Oh, my dear.
I hope we didn't wake him.
He's coming from a job uptown.
They're doing the best they can.
Well, it's not good enough.
Get away from me, all of you! All right, look.
One of us is going to have to engage this guy in conversation.
Tom? No.
You don't want me talking to him.
If it takes too long, i might end up convincing him to pull a greg louganis, and the way my life's going, I might be right on his heels.
Back off, now! There's nothing you can do! I'll try.
You sure? Wouldn't be the first time.
What are you saying, you talked down a jumper before? My brother, like 5 years ago.
Got dumped by his girl and threatened to jump off the roof of our building.
Listen, just--just--just talk to him, all right? Just keep him engaged.
Just don't try to jump for him, all right? Don't do anything until that negotiator gets here.
- You got me? - Yeah.
I got your back.
Brought you a jacket.
I'm not cold.
You're turning blue, bro.
Who gives a shit? I got nothing now.
Money, wife, my daughter.
It's all gone.
Come on, man.
Talk to me.
What's your name? Leave me alone.
What's your daughter's name? April.
April.
That's a nice name.
So what happened? I got caught in a ponzi scheme.
Lost it all-- $11 million, my business.
Why wouldn't she leave me? What do I have left to offer? - Well, I'm sure you've got a lot more-- - Who gives a shit? - Ok.
I just thought-- - Who the hell are you, anyway? I'm shawn with the fdny.
Shawn.
You know what it's like to lose everything? Everything, no.
But I've lost things, people.
A person.
Nobody close.
Yeah.
Real close.
Man.
World's a crazy place right now.
A lot of people hurting.
Now, i don't blame you for being where you are, but you got to think about your daughter.
You know?I mean, you think it's tough losing your money and your wife.
How's april going to feel when she loses her father? Everybody loses something one time or another.
It's how we overcome this shit that makes us who we are.
Jesus christ.
What self-help book did you pull that out of? I thought I just made it up, but I guess I saw it in a movie or something.
- Jerry maguire.
- What? Jerry maguire.
You know, tom cruise, renee zellweger.
I think that's where that quote was from.
No, no.
No.
- That's not from jerry maguire.
- That was a great movie.
Yeah, it was a great movie.
But that was, you know, "show me the money" and "you complete me," ok, not what you're talking about.
- I hated that "you complete me" bullshit.
- Just a second.
You're thinking of the game plan with the rock, 'cause I know you see all the rock movies 'cause you think you look like him, ok? - So that's-- - Whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? That jerry maguire, man, that was all about the ladies, man.
I mean, the chicks dug it, right? Damn straight.
Yeah.
Come on, man.
Take the jacket.
You're turning into papa smurf over there.
Come on, man, take it.
- Ok.
- All right.
That's it.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
So what's your name? Brad.
- Oh, sh--oh-- Shawn! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Tommy! - Tommy, get me! - Come on! - Tommy! - Come on! You all right? Yeah.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
All right.
Come on.
- You see that? - What? Right there, another jumper.
No.
- It's right there.
Right there.
- No, no, no, man.
You all right? My mind must be playing tricks on me.
Look, man.
Sorry about your brother, you know? I don't have a brother.
Oh, man.
If at first you don't succeed I talked him down.
Looks like I'm zero for 2.
Well, listen-- Look, tommy, I don't want to hear any speeches, all right? Look Did you hear me? I don't want any goddamn speeches from you.
She told me how you handle your shit.
Jimmy keefe got killed, all them other brothers on 9/11, even when your son got run over, you did the exact same thing each and eveyr time.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
You got yourself good and shitfaced, jumped into bed with whatever piece of ass happened to catch your crotch at the time.
You know, that's what she thinks I'm going to do to her.
Goddamn, man.
No respect for the family.
No thought about anybody but you.
Now, that's all she knows, man.
That's the damage you did to her.
Now I got to deal with the shitstorm that you put in colleen's head.
Know what, man? You're a goddamn asshole.
A selfish, one-way, drunk-ass piece of shit.
You know that? What, man? Come on.
See, that's what I'm talking about, tommy.
That was my shit.
You're right.
Yep.
Listen.
Just don't--don't do what I did.
I mean, you know-- drinking, do--you know, you're full of rage.
That's not going to change anything.
That's not going to bring your brother back.
You know what I mean? You want to change something? Go in the house.
Go in the house and talk to colleen.
Tell her, you know, you love her.
Hug her.
She doesn't hug me anymore.
I mean, I can-- I can only get a hug out of her if I buy her something.
It's too late tonight.
All the stores are closed.
Just go in there, give her a hug, tell her how much you love her, tell her how pretty her eyes are, tell her how beautiful, sexy she is in her new prada boots.
She bought new boots? I bought her new boots 'cause I just didn't want to-- make sure she was still on my side in case the janet thing really goes south.
But Can things go any further south for you and janet, man? Hey, kid.
We're talking about marriage.
It's a bottomless well.
True south doesn't exist when it comes to marriage.
What? Well, hey.
That was some real father-son type shit there, tommy.
Yeah, well Hey.
You know This--the swaying shit's kind of creeping me out, man.
Come on, man, you know I love you.
Yeah.
You know, I think there is a guy on that bridge.
- Holy shit.
Where? - Aw, just kidding, man.
Jesus christ.
Get in there, man.
All right? Seriously, man, I love you.
Ok, ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for the D.
B.
S.
All right, guys, on 3.
Together!Ready? - Together! - Together.
Let's go.
we're--we're apache stone.
Uh--oh, yeah, right.
We're the D.
B.
S now.
We changed the name.
We used to be called apache stone, which I really dug, because I actually have, like, Shut up and play something, dickwad.
okay, uh this song's called synthetic cell phone.
Self.
Synthetic self.
# Nothin' left to look at but what lies inside me, # # my false reality cannot take what lies ahead, # # clear the path of destination is what you once said to me, # I--I wish the fresh time, # nothing left to spend # Boys, I don't know where to start.
Fantastic.
It was fantastic.
I see a lot of potential here, all right? You're all going to be rich and famous in less than 12 months.
- All right.
- Dude, that's awesome.
Yeah.
What was your name again? Hey.
I'm mike.
Yeah.
Just got to get rid of him.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell you talking about?It's his band.
Look, no.
I give your friend credit.
He put together a talented group of musicians here who are going to do just great standing behind this gorgeous 21-year-old junkie from san diego I signed.
Hey, listen, you little twerp.
I'm detecting a little bit of tone here, and I'm not sure that I like it.
- What tone are you picking up? - That you don't like mike.
Mike would be? Yeah.
Mike is him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't like him.
All right.
Other guys, you can either stay with him or you can sign a deal with the next big thing.
Your choice.
Well, I'm out.
Yeah.
See, I got into this thing for one reason-- pussy.
But I've got more than enough since being a firefighter, so I don't really need to be in a band with a bunch of douchebags.
No offense.
All right.
What's it going to be, guys? We in business? You all get 20 grand as a bonus as soon as you sign.
- Really?I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Let's do it.
- Wait--wait a second.
Hold on.
Now, back up, all right? Let's just take a deep breath here.
What this guy's telling you-- come on.
They're just promises, words, maybes.
Mike and I, we will give you more than this guy could ever give you, right? Remember me?I'm the guy that hooked you up with the routan.
- Whoa.
You got routan? - Yeah.
I've heard about that stuff.
It's great.
You got, like, pills, powder? Uh, no.
It's a van.
It's a car.
It's a V.
W.
Guys.
Come on.
Look at this baby, huh? See this? This is real, ok?You can reach right out and touch it.
This is mikey and me believing in you guys, all right? - That's a V.
W.
- Yes, it is.
I got a buddy in jersey owns a dealership.
You get me 3 of them, that color.
What? You get me 3 of them in that color.
Yeah.
Need one for the city, one for my place in the hamptons, one for the vineyard.
You give him my card.
You tell him to call me.
Sweet, dude.
I just unloaded 3 routans.
Sorry about that dumbass remark, man.
Really, just heat of the moment.
Don't worry.
Pleasure doing business with you.
- Hey, buddy.
- What the hell, dude? This guy just shitcans me from my own band, and you're, like, best friends with him? No, dude.
Come on.
3 routans.
You know.
Sorry.
Hey, fellas.
Let's get out of here, huh? Come on.
Office is uptown.
Get some drinks, grab a b-12 shot, you know, talk a little contracts.
Come on.
Let's go.
Now get out of here, you genius.
Miga, ginger, show the boys a good time.
There you go.
Hey, I'm back.
You know, you left the door unlocked.
It wasn't even closed all the way-- ken? Kenny? - Hello.
- Hey.
Hey.
- It's me.
- That helps.
Little more specific, please.
Tommy.
- Gavin? - Yes.
- The firefighter.
- Oh, jesus.
- I'm kidding.
- What's up? Whoa.
Listen.
I don't think you're telling me the truth, ok? I don't have to tell you the truth.
Hello? Tommy? Hello? Shit.
Yeah.
It's open.
Come in.
I bribed the super 50 bucks to cough up where you were.
Want to tell me what the hell's going on? Why don't you go first? I go out of town 2 nights.
I come back-- All right.
You know what? I'll go first.
I'll go first, ok? All right.
Ok.
Number one--ahem.
Probably not, in retrospect, a good idea to get a joint bank account because, it turns out, I got a little bit of residual anger left over from when you took all my money a couple of years ago.
So what I did was, i went out and I just bought a whole bunch of stuff.
I got a flatscreen tv.
I got this beautiful massaging recliner that's on its way over.
And--oh! I got this.
Oj simpson's heisman trophy.
I saw it on ebay, and I just had to have it.
Of course, when it got here, I realized there was an "s" missing from heisman, so really what I have is a heiman trophy.
But it's still money well-spent in my book.
You spent all my money.
No, no.
No.
I, uh--I gave some to charity, and, um-- and, you know, the rest I'm keeping, the amount that you stole from me, plus interest.
You asshole.
That money was left to me by my uncle.
Yeah.
Uh, your uncle that died.
- Yes.
- Which brings me to point number 2.
In the future, you should probably do a much better job at hiding any kind of personal identification that has your real, actual name on it, barbara callahan.
You know, I never liked the name barbara.
I had an aunt barbara.
She used to fondle me when I was a kid, which, don't get me wrong, i didn't mind, but she also used to make me eat my broccoli.
That kind of killed the whole buzz for me.
So, hide it, honey, because your husband could just very easily jump on the internet and find out a whole bunch of information on you, including the fact that your uncle is still very much alive and living - outside of madison, wisconsin.
- My uncle is dead.
Well, if that's the case, he's an amazing conversationalist.
And he sent me a picture of you from about 10 years ago.
And it's definitely you.
A husband knows these things.
And he also, um, ahem, told me to give you a heads-up that there's a warrant for your arrest, um, from tampa, florida, probably the last guy that you ripped off to the tune of about 250,000 dol-- isn't that the same amount of money that your dead uncle left you? Ok.
You want to know the truth? No.
You know what, honey? Forget about the truth.
You're no good at it.
Just let it go.
What happened in tampa-- I'm innocent.
Ok.
Which brings us to point number 3.
I paid the super 100 bucks to give me a heads-up on when you were on your way over here, and I'm looking out of my big, new, magnificent, beautiful new windows, and I see you walking up into my building, and I call the cops, and I tell the cops that I have a fugitive from justice in my apartment.
So you know what? If you're innocent, please, sit down and join me for a drink.
But if you're not, I would start running, mrs.
Shea.
You have just made the biggest mistake of your life.
So I'm leaving, but not because the cops are coming.
And you're going to be alone and I hope you spend every second thinking about what you've just done.
At least I still got my heiman.
Intact.
Kelly? I heard the television.
I know you're in there.
I swear to god, kelly.
I'll break this goddamn door down.
Yeah.
I'd like to see that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All right.
Well here I go.
I'm going to do it.
Ok.
Ok.
Jesus christ.
That goddamn door's made out of-- Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
- Get out.
- What? - Get out.
- Yeah, right.
Yeah.
Get out.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
Get out.
Get out.
Ok.
Ok.
I'm not leaving, ok? Because you're lying.
You're lying about that box, and you're lying about the-- kissing, which is--taste-- tasted good.
But you can't bullshit a bullshitter.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey! No.
No.
- Yes.
- No.
Yes.
You're going to tell me what's in this box.
No, you're going to give me it.
- What the hell are you so afraid of? - Give me the box.
- Last chance.
- It's my goddamn box.
Tell me what's in the box, or I open it myself.
S-s-she's beautiful.
She's dead.
She was 4 months old and one sunday, she woke up with a cough.
And then, it got worse during the day, so I called the doctor, and he thought she was just colicky, but I thought--well, anyways I brought her in that night, and, um then her breathing started to get bad, and then, they told me she had a heart defect, and then, on monday, she passed away in my arms.
She had such a sweet little face, you know, and when she went, her cheeks, they turned-- gray.
So suddenly, they-- just gray.
Uh, my son--ahem.
It was kind of the same thing.
We were--you know, we were on the-- street outside the apartment.
He was riding his bike, and he was further down the block, and after he got hit, uh--was a few seconds for me to run from where I was to where he was, and in that-- uh, amount of time s--in my gut was that he--he was gone by the time i got there.
But--I mean, my brain didn't want to believe it, but I knew that, uh, you know-- as soon as I laid eyes on him, it was Yeah.
See, that's exactly what I don't need.
I don't need to hear somebody else's story.
I don't need anybody to understand.
I don't need anything.
I just need you to leave.
You're not leaving.
No.
All right, guys.
One for everyone.
Nice.
Now--ahem.
I have a few words I'd like to say.
If I could just get all your attention.
You know, you guys are the best bunch of goddamn firemen I've ever worked with, and I know we just had a little situation--a little setback-- but we did the best that we could, which is all we can do.
And I'm going to tell you right now, if that situation happened again you're still a bunch of goddamn firemen i would like behind, beside, and beyond me.
- Thank you, tommy.
- Well-said.
Bottoms up.
More whiskey? Shit turns my stomach.
Hey, don't worry about it, black shawn.
We got a little something in the back for you-- peach-flavored vodka.
Really?That's what I'm talking about.
Well, then, what the hell we doing drinking this shit?Bring it on.
- Yeah!Yeah! - Come on, man! All right.
All right! Unbelievable.
Yeah.
I like peaches.
You know what would be a great invention? Peaches that, when you bite into them, the vodka's already in them.
How can we get that going? Well, first off, we're going to need an alcoholic with an orchard.
Easy, honey.
Easy.
Slow down.
Shut up, queer bait.
Goddamn, I love this woman.
No one's in charge of me.
Right, tom? That is right, sweetheart.
Yeah, but you know what? You might want to take it easy.
That's all he's saying.
Really? Listen, why don't you go order up another wife on the internet, asshole, ok?Because the one you got, she kisses like a doorknob.
Yeah.
What the hell are you laughing at? That line, a wife on the internet, tickled me.
Yeah?How about you tickle my balls? One more drink.
So, how's your cock? What color is it now? It's teal.
Really? - You don't want to know.
- No, no.
You can't say that your cock is now teal-colored and not expect-- All right.
I used a bleaching agent, ok? It's supposed to lighten your skin, you know, how like michael jackson did when he was black, and then he turned almost white.
Well, you know, you do the math.
What math? You're not supposed to use it on your cock or your balls.
Ok.
What color are your-- not going to ask what color your balls are.
I-- where's this faggoty-ass vodka at? Well, here's one bottle.
I think there's another case somewhere behind all that other shit.
I'll go get them started.
- Ok.
- Uh, they're pink, by the way.
My balls.
In case you were still wondering.
They're supposed to be pink.
Perfect.
Jesus christ.
You got nothing to say to me? No? Ok.
Just wanted to drop by, make sure you knew that-- I wasn't lying to you when i told you I wouldn't have slept with janet, you know, after 9/11.
If you had died instead of me, I just wouldn'T.
Especially since, well, seeing as how I'd already had her - Everything all right? - Yeah.
- You need a hand? - No, no, no.
No.
- Hey, can-- - Nah.
Busy.
You guys drank all this shit already? - Mostly shawn.
- Where the hell did ellie go to? She went to pick up the dog at the kennel.
You guys got a dog? Yes.
Yes, we do.
Does it drink? I don't know.
But I'm sure if it was here and you were pouring, it would sure as hell start.
Well, guys, listen.
I want to make a toast to tommy.
Let me get you started, shawny.
So, tommy, who's got us all back on the road to liver failure.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
We'll follow you anywhere, tom, as long as you keep dishing out the booze.
Oh, yeah?Well, you better pack a couple of bags, guys, 'cause it's going to be a long goddamn trip.
All right.
To tommy, greatest goddamn fireman, best goddamn father, best goddamn father-in-law.
I got you! You should have saw--the look on your face was funny.
I'm just busting your balls, son.
Come on, drink up.
- Cheers! - Cheers.
To you, tom.