Abbott Elementary (2021) s05e22 Episode Script

1
Hey, Gregory, you want to watch
a movie together on the plane?
Oh. Sorry, I prefer the raw dog flights.
Just stare straight ahead,
no distractions.
- God! You're cool.
- Hello, ladies. Aah!
This is great and all,
but I don't understand
why we couldn't drive ourselves
to the airport.
Because, see, this way,
we don't have to pay for parking.
Although, usually, I just borrow
Captain Rob's fire decals
and I park that thing right by the gate.
Well, I'm not complaining
because the school district
is sending this mommy to Miami. Hey.
Have no fear, I'm here.
As soon as Janine changes, we can go.
I call shotgun!
W-What are you doing here?
Yeah, Mr. Jay,
this conference is for teachers.
You're forgetting I
subbed a few classes.
These kids wouldn't know squat about
hip replacements if it wasn't for me.
Eh. Well, he did substitute teach, so
Okay, but the district
didn't buy you a plane ticket.
A plane what?
See you later, Mr. Johnson.
- [AVA] I can't take care of everything.
- [BARBARA] Mmm. Mm-mmm.
Guess I won't be taking my talents
to South Beach after all.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
- Ooh. Look at this.
- Wow. Not bad.
- This is beautiful.
- [MELISSA] Yeah. It's good.
- [AVA] Speaking of beautiful
- Hey, y'all. What's up?
What's O'Shon doing here?
Yeah, what,
does the hotel have an IT problem, Ava?
Uh, I flew him out
on the district's dime. Duh.
What am I supposed to do
in the presidential suite by myself?
Hopefully the next time I see y'all
is on the plane ride home.
Wow.
Jacob Hill, is that you?
A fan or a hater? I can never tell.
Yeah, you're the liaison
for district 51, I'm 54.
But people are saying
you are a rising star.
Okay, who is saying that?
I want their names so I can hug them.
Uh, they'll all be
at the liaison's liaison "liater".
Wow. We are at the corny convention.
- Liaison, "liater", I got you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Hey, Schemmenti and Howard.
- Hey, Joy.
- Great to see you again.
- Hi. Yeah.
Happy PECSA to you. Love the fanny pack.
Did you guys hear
about all these crazy rumors?
Uh [CHUCKLES] I try to avoid
rumors because I'm addicted to them.
Spill the beans.
The superintendent got fired
for embezzling money.
[BREATHES DEEPLY] The school
of the future is becoming AI-only.
They're shutting down 15 schools.
And after Representative Sloss
got slapped,
she's using it as an excuse
to get a facelift.
- Wait, sorry. Fifteen schools?
- That-That can't be true. No.
- It was a pretty hard slap, though.
- [MELISSA] Yeah.
[JOY] Guys, wait up.
You're not gonna believe this.
Look, PECSA is full of rumors
that always turn out to be unfounded.
Yeah, our jobs will continue to be safe,
miserable and terribly paid.
- So just cheer up, kids.
- Yeah.
All right,
I'm gonna go find the other reps.
I'm sure they want some face time
with their rising star.
All right.
You could say I'm the Chase Infiniti
of the liaison
We're gonna go get our badges.
Ooh. Putting on this badge feels like
putting on an Olympic medal.
Oh, nice. Mine feels like a badge.
Oh, come on.
- Hey, I didn't think I'd see you two here.
- [JANINE] Hey.
- Of course we're here.
- We-We wouldn't miss it.
This is so exciting. You guys
should come to this panel with me.
I thought the panels
didn't start till tomorrow?
Yeah.
Nope. Attendance was so high this year
that they had to start early.
Oh. Okay.
"Comedy and sensuality"?
Is this a PECSA weekend?
PECSA weekend? Oh. What are the odds?
No, I'm here
for the MostlyFans convention.
Oh. MostlyFans is here.
Fun. Oh.
I-I thought that some of the teachers
had a hornier vibe than usual.
And if you're wondering whether
I'm a fan or a creator
I'm not wondering.
Of course, I dip my toes into both,
if you catch my drift.
Don't wanna catch anything here.
So, you're ready?
- [GREGORY] Uh
- [JANINE] Um
Oh, isn't that your ex-wife over there?
Ugh. Which one?
Wait a minute. How do
you know my ex-wife
It's rare for the school to be deserted
even on the weekends.
Teachers like to come in and work
because they're strange people.
So, I'm deep-cleaning the place
while everyone's in Florida
having fun without me.
[CHUCKLES]
But the joke's on them.
I don't even like Miami.
I love it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Shoot, I forgot my book in the room.
I'll be right back.
Uh, what are your eyes gonna do with
a book while I'm sitting right here?
Well, hello. Are you on MostlyFans?
Um. Sorry. Out of your league.
B-Y-E, BBL.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I
You know what? Maybe it'll be safer
if I go get your book.
Until I return.
[O'SHON] Thanks, baby.
[CHATTERING]
[KRISTIN] Hey, sis.
Thanks for saving me a seat.
[BARBARA] Oh, my goodness.
I thought we weren't gonna see you
all weekend.
Had to find out if the rumors were true.
And O'Shon was getting
too much unwanted attention,
so I left him in the room
with the door locked.
- ["PARTY ROCK ANTHEM" PLAYS]
- [RICK] Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Flying low for some high fives,
not seeing any yet, no.
Oh, I got one. I'll take it. Oh.
Uh-oh, here we go. Jam.
It's dangerous.
[MUSIC ENDS]
Hello, PECSA weekend!
As the saying goes,
Bienvenidos a Florida.
Oh. We have so many wonderful things
in store.
We have booked an authentic Cuban band
from Tampa
for the, uh, famous PECSA party.
There's a caricaturist by the bathroom.
Numerous lectures.
I'm excited to say that we finally
have one of our most tenured teachers
leading one tomorrow morning.
Let's give it up for Barbara Howard!
[JOY] Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
We've been hearing wild rumors
and we need to know what's going on.
Uh [SIGHS]
Okay, this is not a Q&A, but sure,
I'll address this one real quick.
It's true.
Superintendent Reynolds has been let go.
[CHATTERING]
But-But our new acting superintendent
will be here on Sunday.
We're on top of it.
You may sit down. Thank you.
Okay, so what about AI schools?
These rumors are ridiculous. I assure
you, AI schools are not happening.
We looked into it. It's too expensive.
Okay, what about the rumor
that 15 schools are closing?
You cannot believe everything you
hear. Fifteen schools are not closing.
I told youse.
- It's 20 schools.
- What!
- I know. I know! I know!
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
But I assure you, it
is well thought out.
This has been based
on concrete criteria
involving the safety
of school buildings,
performance
and neighborhood vulnerability.
It only is partly a money issue as we
have [CLEARS
THROAT] run out of it,
only partly because of the embezzling
and flying you all to Miami.
- Okay, which schools are closing?
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
Guys, did you hear me say
there are caricatures?
Which schools?
Fine. I will read the list
since you all are so concerned. [SIGHS]
The 20 schools closing are
Addington Elementary
[BLEEP]
- Bates Academy, Cass High
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
Wait, wait,
he's going in alphabetical order.
- That means Abbott is safe.
- Yeah.
All these people are losing their jobs.
O-Once again, you're welcome.
I hope you all remember my services
when I'm up for reelection.
Ultra Academy, Vernon Elementary
and finally Abbott Elementary.
- Oh, my God!
- [BLEEP]
[GREGORY STUTTERS]
- What about the list being alphabetical?
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah. It-It did seem that way, huh?
No, funny coincidence.
I can reread them in that order
if it makes you feel better.
- I'm gonna kill him. No. Just, no.
- Mel. Mel, Mel.
- One shot. Come on.
- Addington Elementary, Bates Academy
I cannot believe
they're gonna shut down Abbott.
I mean, what am I supposed to do,
n-not teach at Abbott?
I think that's what we're all
going to have to not do.
Might have to go on
unemployment and I'm
probably gonna have to raise the rent.
[BLEEP]
I have worked too long and too hard
to start all over again
somewhere else.
This might be it for me.
Thank God being principal
is my lowest-paying job.
Well, I'm not gonna
take this sitting down,
or maybe sitting down
is exactly what I need to do.
Jacob, don't do a sit-in.
Your pants are white.
- [JACOB] Oh.
- [BARBARA SIGHS]
And we're just supposed to take this?
No, not me. Nope. No.
I am gonna do something.
I don't know what I'm gonna do,
but I'm gonna go out there
and I'm gonna figure it out
and don't you try to stop me.
I know not to. There's a 24-hour
Naked and Afraid marathon on.
For whatever reason, watching them
try to start a fire in the nude
causes me to do my best thinking.
And you'll be prepared
in case we need to live off the land.
- Exactly.
- [JANINE SIGHS]
You stay here.
I'll walk the hotel and when we meet
back, maybe we'll have a solution.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
- I love you.
- I love you too.
[DOOR OPENS]
I can't believe I got my spark back
just to lose it and my job too.
[SIGHS] Welcome, everyone.
We are Barbara Howard
and Melissa Schemmenti
from Abbott Elementary
and this is the Joy of Teaching. Now
Should've been called
the Rage of Teaching.
[BARBARA] Uh, Melissa,
I don't think that
You know that this woman has
given her-her whole life to this job?
For what? For what?
Once we've kicked in the nuts,
that's what.
What are we gonna do?
- Well, there's nothing you can do
- [BARBARA] Uh.
except you take all you can while
you can because screw the man.
Screw the man!
[MELISSA] Yeah,
here's what you're gonna do,
you're gonna take that per diem money,
you're gonna blow
it all on the minibar.
Those overpriced chocolates,
lick them, put them back.
And those tiny tequilas, bring those
to me because school is out [BLEEP].
- [BLEEP]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
Yeah!
Dang.
Had my money on the water bottle. Uh-oh.
I sprayed away the parking lines. Damn.
[TEACHERS CHANTING] Hell, no.
We won't go. Hell no
Okay, this is our moment.
District's coming.
Okay, he will not pass through our
sit-in without meeting our demands.
Hi, teachers. Bye, teachers.
Um
What
I think he's buckling.
Hey, Janine. PECSA are going well?
Oh, Morton. Oh, no.
You haven't heard yet. Okay.
The district announced
that they're shutting Abbott down.
- But that school's home to me.
- I know, for all of us.
- No, it's literally home. I live there.
- Oh.
Hey, Morton.
You're ready for the next panel?
Janine, this is Sally.
She's huge on MostlyFans.
- Oh.
- I sit on cakes.
Not as weird as it sounds.
- I'm fully clothed, most of the time.
- Yeah.
Anyway [CHUCKLES] you're thinking
of joining MostlyFans?
Uh
Well, I do need to supplement my income
or obtain an income. [SIGHS]
Well, then come to the panel with us.
Lots of teachers have to find
other ways to make money.
I guess it couldn't hurt to listen.
[SALLY GIGGLES]
There are many different
kinds of cakes that you could sit on.
- I mean, sheet cakes, cupcakes
- Mm-hmm.
- mini cupcakes. [GIGGLES]
- [GIGGLES]
- Bundt cake.
- Oh.
He's not a celebrity, you know.
Don't do anything weird with that.
Oh. So annoying. It's just
like high school all over again.
We need to, like, ugly you up.
What do you think? Shave my beard?
And release that
jawline? Get out of here.
There are so many different ways
to attract fans.
You can give fitness advice,
cooking tips, share your music.
As for me, I used to think my
farts were worthless, but they're not.
Now I put them in jars and sell them
and that's how I bought
a multimillion dollar home
and you can too.
So, I want you to ask yourself,
what's your fart in a jar?
Yeah! [CHEERING]
["LOS AFRICANOS" PLAYS]
[CHATTERING]
Wow, I'm good. Maybe too good.
I don't know if I could
be seen with you.
I feel free.
[GRUNTS]
I've been on a hunger strike
since right after breakfast.
Melissa, do you mind if I just
smell your pigs in a blanket?
Uh, listen, Gandhi, I'm telling you,
keep your nose out of my food.
Well, it looks like the fire
from your impassioned speech
has been officially extinguished.
Hey, what's the matter with youse?
I thought you were gonna get wild.
Reality is setting in. We're sad.
Y-You know what?
No, not on my watch.
Mm-mmm.
Uh, Perdóname, this is an emergencia.
- Okay, listen up, everybody.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
I know you're upset
and I know it isn't fair,
but if this is gonna be our last hurrah,
let's turn this place out!
[PEOPLE MURMURING]
And it's an open bar!
[PEOPLE CLAMORING]
No, it's not.
Oh, yes, it is an open bar.
All right, screw it. My mom's a teacher.
- [PEOPLE CHEERING]
- [BARBARA] Hey!
Now is the time for civil disobedience.
[CHEERING STOPS]
Let's burn the place down!
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
[FESTIVE MUSIC RESUMES]
You went to what with who?
I know. I was desperate. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God. But you know what I learned?
The gig economy is hard work.
I can't hack it. [CHUCKLES]
I don't wanna put anything in jars.
I'm glad I don't know what that means.
Gregory, I just want to be a teacher,
but what if the universe
doesn't want me to be one?
The universe wants you to be happy.
More importantly, that's what I want.
I promise you when we get back, we
will figure all of
that stuff out, okay?
But for now, let's
just just have fun.
All right, I'm gonna go help Jacob.
I warned him not to starve then dance.
He's gonna pass out.
[KISSES]
[KRISTIN] I'm glad that you're here.
No, I'm glad you're here
because you know what?
We got to spend more time together.
- Because I love you.
- I I admire you.
- Absolutely. I actually admire you.
- [MELISSA] I love you. Wait, wait.
Shh, I got an idea, let's call Mom
and tell her you're pregnant.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Wait, but
- Schemmenti sisters are back!
Schemmenti sisters are back.
Ya scurvy dogs, who wants
to walk my plank with Sea Barbara?
Whoo! Permission to come aboard.
Permission denied.
[GRUNTS]
How you're holding up, man?
This Abbott news is crazy.
I'm trying to stay positive for Janine,
but honestly, I'm freaking out.
[O'SHON] Mmm.
My life was finally coming together.
Teaching was going well.
And honestly, no offense,
I was hoping to one day
end up with your girlfriend's job.
Uh, nah, you don't want that smoke,
but I could see you as a principal.
- Everything's just so up in the air now.
- [O'SHON] Mmm.
[GREGORY] What are our lives
gonna look like now?
I mean, we just got through this
huge fight and we're stronger for it.
It made me realize I wanted to take
things to the next
level, but now, I
Hey Next level?
You mean You mean like
Nice.
All right, Miami.
I'm about to jump off this stage.
- Who's gonna catch me?
- [PEOPLE CHEERING]
Barbara, no! You're of a certain age!
- [BARBARA SCREAMS]
- [JANINE] Barbara, don't do it.
Anchors aweigh!
[ALL] Whoo!
We need to, like, hydrate.
Lots of electrolytes.
I just wanna thank you all
for not allowing me to jump
into that crowd last night.
Barb, you did jump
into the crowd last night.
All right, look alive, everyone.
Meeting with the new superintendent.
This might be our last chance.
Hey, you know what?
Let's not go.
What?
I had so much fun last night
and if that's gonna be my final memory
as a teacher at Abbott,
then I want to hold on to it.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah. Ain't gonna fire me twice. [SCOFFS]
They already fired you twice.
Well, third time ain't
gonna be the charm.
All right, well,
I just can't let this go yet.
- You got this, Jacob.
- We're with you.
Round of shots
for when he comes back defeated?
- Barbara. Yeah, okay.
- [MELISSA] Yes.
- Hair of the dog.
- Okay.
- Ava, it's this way.
- [GREGORY GRUNTS]
For the most part, these teachers
will stalk you all week
- Excuse me.
- Oh, here we go.
Hi. Uh, I'm Jacob Hill,
one of the liaison reps.
Are you the new superintendent?
Acting Superintendent Derek Collins,
nice to meet you.
We have to get going.
I'm sorry, but I just have to speak up
for my school that you are closing,
Abbott Elementary.
We have gone through so much this year.
Uh, a teacher fell through the ceiling.
We were in a mall for a month
after our furnace broke
- Which cost a fortune to fix.
- I'm so sorry to hear that.
- But unfortunately, my hands are tied.
- Mm-hmm. Have a good day, Jacob.
- [JACOB] Yeah, but
- What's that about money for a furnace?
[RICK] Ugh. It was so expensive.
Hey, y'all wanna see a dead body?
I mean, who doesn't?
Anyway, now that I
have your attention,
I got a little proposition for you.
Hey, how'd you do?
[LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, RIP Abbott Elementary.
Oh, well
Thank you.
We had some good times at Abbott.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we did.
Remember when I set the school on fire?
- [MELISSA] Yep.
- [BARBARA GIGGLES]
And I met the love of my life
at Abbott Elementary.
Aw, Captain Rob?
No, Sweet Cheeks. But also Captain Rob.
And I met the love of mine. Yeah.
In a bathroom, covered in pee,
standing next to a reversy toilet.
We should come up with a new story
of how we met.
- Yeah.
- [GREGORY] Yeah.
- Oh, I'm gonna miss our kids.
- [JANINE] Yeah.
Oh, you snakes.
How much did you bribe him?
What are you talking
about, Looney Tunes?
They just made an announcement on stage.
Abbott got spared.
- What?
- What?
[IMITATING] We didn't know.
Huh? Oh, no. Oh, no, no.
- Come on. Come, come, come.
- [MELISSA] Wait. Where? Where?
Man, this is not worth five bucks.
Seriously.
Hope you take traveler's checks.
- [JACOB] Oh.
- [JANINE] Where is he?
- Hi, um, excuse me.
- Sorry.
[STUTTERS] What happened? You said
there was no way Abbott would be safe.
I did, but I received some new
information that changed things.
- [JACOB GASPS]
- Was it our test scores?
And our rate of improvement.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, no. No.
Actually, it was your furnace.
- What?
- [DEREK] Yeah, it doesn't make sense
for us to close a school that we've
already put that much money into.
The only fiscally responsible thing to
do is to keep it
open. So, you're open.
[CHEERING]
Oh, my God!
Now I can delete my MostlyFans.
Your what?
Now there's some housekeeping to do
in order to make this work.
We're gonna have to let some people go.
We're gonna need those funds
to hire an assistant principal
to share the load of a bigger school.
- I know just the person.
- [JACOB GASPS]
[JANINE] Hmm.
My friend Lena needs a job.
Okay, but we kind of like
to keep it in-house if possible.
Our first-grade teacher, Gregory Eddie,
was briefly interim principal.
- And did an excellent job.
- Yes.
That will work.
I still think y'all
sleeping on Lena, but
Gregory, uh, I guess
you're my assistant principal.
[CHEERING]
So I came to Miami.
I lost my job, my future,
my girlfriend became a cam girl.
Then I got a promotion and a raise
and Janine's a teacher again.
And I also got to watch
that episode of Naked and Afraid
where that guy loses 37 pounds
and gets a flesh-eating bacteria.
So, I'd say it's been a perfect trip.
["VIBING THROUGH THE NIGHT" PLAYS]
Hi.
Disguise must be wearing off.
No, I'm starting to
think maybe they can
sense you have a
good heart or whatever.
Oh, my God, stop fishing.
So much for burning it all down.
That was just an expression.
Well, I set my room on fire.
- Whoo! Do you, girl.
- Yeah, good for you.
[JACOB SIGHS]
You know,
this whole thing's got me thinking
I should get more involved
with the district.
Maybe I could make things better.
Yeah, I think you'd
be really good at it.
You're the kind of guy
we need down there.
Okay, the humidity has made me a sappy
son of a bitch, all right. So what?
Congrats, assistant principal.
Yeah. [GIGGLES]
Hey, you and Ava
gonna make a great team.
You think so?
Just don't interrupt her nap time
and you'll be good.
Oh. Oh, yeah?
Assuming your big life plans are still
on, I help set up
Wi-Fi in Jewelers' Row.
Could get you a discount
if you're interested.
Yeah, I think I might
take you up on that.
What the hell?
Is it me, or are these
parking spots getting smaller?
- And who painted this, a blind man?
- Look. Careful.
What?
- Jacob. Ooh. Oh.
- Don't Don't hit my car.
[BARBARA SIGHS]
[MELISSA] Okay.
Now what?
The one day I drive.
[BARBARA] All right.
Oh.
[SIGHS] Morning.
Good morning.
And let's go.
The one day I forget my bag. [SCOFFS]
sync & corrections awaqeded