Ghosts (2021) s05e22 Episode Script

1
SASAPPIS: What's going on here?
Well, we are scouring photos
of Nancy's ancestral home
in the hopes of finding
the portrait featuring
the necklace that proves that
Nancy is the lost princess.
ISAAC: And if we can prove that,
Woodstone shall gain landmark status
and be spared from demolition
by the rapacious water
company Ever Creek.
Man, how long was I watching
that caterpillar eat that leaf?
[GASPS] Yep, those are my old digs.
You see that window?
That was my bedroom,
and that window was my second bedroom.
[GASPS] And there's my cake room
where I stored and ate my cakes.
You lived in a castle filled
with cakes, and you ran away?
Mistakes were made, Pete.
Who told you to die
wearing those shorts, huh?
Nobody's perfect.
SAMANTHA: Damn it, no one
will pick up the phone
at that damn castle.
I don't understand, isn't it
like a tourist attraction now?
Can't you book tours there?
Well, the website says they
do tours, but it also says
"Come celebrate the millennium with us,"
so I'm not sure how
frequently they update it.
Somebody must be working there.
I mean, there's recent Yelp reviews.
Dorothy M. raves about
the clean bathrooms.
NANCY: Oh, now, that is a
welcome change from my day.
All that cake had to go somewhere.
Okay, so no one's picking up the phone.
Samantha, have you
tried sending a telegram?
Or why not a carrier pigeon?
Over the Atlantic?
You'd send that bird to a watery grave.
SAMANTHA: I've sent several emails.
- No one will write back.
- [SIGHS]
Look, we have less than 72
hours to find that portrait
of Fancy Nancy wearing that necklace.
It sounds extreme, but I think
we may have to go to England.
- I think you might be right.
- ISAAC: Oh,
might be advantageous
to have Peter join.
He's proven valuable
to have on trips before.
Oh, let me, let me check my schedule.
- Available.
- SAMANTHA: Great.
- Pete's gonna join.
- A little Thanksgiving redo.
[BRITISH ACCENT]: British style.
I'm Henry the Eighth, I am ♪
Henry the Eighth I am, I am. ♪
♪
Jay, we should leave for the airport!
Okay, so, once again, an
elevator is called a lift,
an apartment is a flat,
and a cigarette
now, this one's weird
Okay, Pete, I don't think that's going
to come up a lot, but
thanks for your help.
- [CHUCKLES]
- TREVOR: Hey, while you guys
are over there, can you pop over
and check in on my daughter?
And by "check in,"
I mean "keep any creepy French guys
and their baguettes away from her,"
if you know what I mean.
[LAUGHS] Thor get innuendo big-time.
SAMANTHA: I suppose, once
we have the proof we need,
we could pop to "Paree"
for a quick visite.
Ooh, no can do, Sammy.
I mean, Europe's no hop, skip.
I-I don't want to press my
luck with my ghost powers.
I can't make a bunch of
side trips while we're there,
or else my baguette
will start to disappear.
Once again, Thor grasp.
This guy, keeping up.
ALBERTA: Plus we got a big day
coming up when Pete returns
the one-year anniversary
of when we started dating.
Our first non-facepalm kiss.
It's a good lesson for
the kids out there
if you try to kiss someone and
they resist, just keep trying.
I'm not sure that's the takeaway.
- [PHONE BUZZING, RINGING]
- Huh.
Paula?
Ooh, the Hollywood
producer? Get it, Sam.
Hello.
What the hell? Did you call me?
No, uh, I think you called me.
- This is a hot start.
- I was trying to copy your email.
They put the damn video button so close.
Why do they do that?
Anyway, I have news.
It's about your movie
script Polar Opposites.
Oh, if I had known
this was a video call,
I would have encouraged
a wardrobe change,
but you're doing great.
I showed it to the
studio, they loved it.
Oh, my God, really?
Ooh, does that mean
they're going to buy it?
Hey, Paula, I just got here.
Hey, Jay.
No, they're not buying it yet,
but they want to
continue the conversation.
Oh, we gonna be so rich.
Aquarium wall, here we come.
The studio wants a franchise.
I won't bore you with the details,
but basically, they want to
know what the next two films
in the P.O. trilogy are going to be.
I can start putting together some ideas.
Uh, but can it wait till next week?
I've got sort of a big couple of days.
No, we need to get on
a Zoom this weekend.
There was an incident on
the set of Christmas in Cabo.
Turns out, Mario Lopez
does not work with dolphins.
Anyway, they're looking to fast-track
its replacement, so
can you do it or not?
Don't worry about England, babe.
I'll go. You got this.
- I'll get to noodling, Paula.
- Great.
Thanks, Sam.
All right, Pete, looks
like it's you and me, buddy.
Let's ride.
- How's this going to work?
- ALBERTA: Didn't Jay almost
kill Pete on a trip to the market?
We'll call Kyle.
TOUR GUIDE: Now, if you'll follow me,
I'll give you a tour of the dungeon.
Hey, hang back a sec.
Man, what a tour.
I can't believe I didn't
know the difference
between a longsword and a broadsword.
I mean, it's negligible but interesting.
Have you seen Nancy's painting?
'Cause I'm starting to realize
I don't know what she
looks like. [CHUCKLES]
- Kyle, focus.
- [SNAPS FINGERS]
Oh, sorry, I just flew to
England at the drop of a hat
to help you, so excuse me if I
need to move a teeth cleaning.
Look at this suit of armor.
How you doing there, tin can?
KNIGHT: Not so great, to be honest.
- Oh.
- I've got this very specific itch
that I haven't been able to
scratch for 600 years now.
Whoa, Jay, there's a
suit of armor ghost.
Seriously? That is so damn cool.
[MUTTERS] How did he die?
Was it jousting or,
like, fighting a dragon?
Sadly, no.
As soon as I got all this stuff on,
I was leaning over to scratch me bum,
lost me balance, and
fell down the stairs.
It was a noble death.
Hey, guys, um, here in England
we all like to stick together on a tour,
so if you could kindly follow. Yeah?
- Yeah, that would be brill.
- JAY: You know, we were
kinda interested in
seeing some old portraits.
Would that be part of the tour?
Oh, sorry.
There was a big fire in the '70s.
The lady of the house left an
unattended crumpet in the toaster.
All the tapestries and
portraiture were lost.
Anyway, please follow me to the dungeon.
Uh, actually, I think we were
just here to see the paintings,
so we're probably going to head out.
Suit yourself,
but for five quid, you can
take your picture on the rack.
I mean, the painting thing
is obviously a setback,
but take it from a guy who's been
to his share of Ren faires
you're not gonna find a
better rack price than that.
JAY: We need that Nancy painting.
This is a disaster.
What are we going to do?
I think there's a gift shop.
Maybe they sell a book with a picture
of Princess Adeline's portrait.
I also wouldn't say no to
smelling a bag of prawn crisps.
You're looking for
Princess Adeline's portrait?
Yeah, we actually know her.
She goes by Nancy now and
she's dressed in a potato sack.
Oh, I would kill to have
died in a potato sack.
Oh, I bet she's just able
to itch everywhere, huh?
Yeah, and she does.
What, is the suit of
armor saying something?
Can you ask him how he went
to the bathroom in that thing?
Was it a complete removal,
or is there a little latch?
I know the portrait you speak of.
He's saying he remembers the portrait.
Uh, is she wearing this necklace in it?
Yes, yes, that very one,
but despite what the tour guide said,
it was not destroyed in the
Great Crumpet Fire of 1973.
That's because a few years
before the dread event,
it was donated to the
Museum of England in London.
He's saying it didn't
burn, it's in a museum now.
- Amazing.
- PETE: All right, let's go take
that picture on that rack
and then we can get going.
You don't even show up in pictures.
Yeah, but I'll know I was there.
FLOWER: Hey, guys.
What's going on?
Sam's waiting to see how
the studio liked her pitch
for what a Polar Opposites
trilogy might look like.
- Ah.
- She have high hopes
even though things generally
not work out for her.
Honestly, is kind of sad.
You got this.
PAULA: Well, I've got good news.
You killed that pitch, Sam.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yes.
Really, they like it?
- That's amazing.
- They have a few thoughts,
but nothing that's going
to be that hard to execute.
This is all great to hear, Paula.
We'll ideate and then talk next steps.
And I've got more good news.
Have you ever heard
of Aline Brosh McKenna?
She wrote a little movie
called Devil Wears Prada?
Thor love that movie! [LAUGHS]
It's inspiring story of
Anne Hathaway overcoming
boring boyfriend who
only talk about Jarlsberg.
SAMANTHA: Yeah, I love that movie.
- What about Aline?
- Well,
we're in talks to
have her do the rewrite
and hopefully the sequels.
I'm confused.
You want someone else to write my movie?
What are you doing?
Is Thor's impression of Dragon Lady
when she not like dress
from James Holt collection.
Look, this is a win.
They still want to buy your movie.
I don't know, I need to think about it.
Okay, but if you're not okay
with us bringing someone else in,
this whole thing could go away.
Thank you, Paula, I'll be in touch.
Yeah, we're going to huddle on our end,
and we'll ping you back by EOD tomorrow.
Hey, sorry to bother you.
We're looking for a painting
that we didn't see on
display in the museum.
Give me a second.
I'm reeling in a big
fish on a dating app.
She's a bit older, still fit.
Sure, good luck with her.
You know, they should
really slap a content warning
on that antiquities wing.
Some of the scenes
depicted on those urns
I mean, what was that
swan doing to that lady?
[PHONE RINGING]
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
Archives.
Peter.
Oh, my God, Amunhotep.
I think Pete ran into one
of his friends Amunhotep.
Mummy ghost, nice.
Uh, he tried to destroy
my squash with locusts,
but we're cool now.
- What are you doing here?
- My mummified remains are part
of a touring exhibit kind
of the centerpiece, actually.
It must be difficult being
separated from your wife again,
so soon after being reunited.
It is not the worst thing
to get a little space.
When you are apart from
someone for three millennia,
you tend to focus on
their good qualities
and forget how much
they talk about cats.
Ah.
Hey, uh, sorry, we're looking
for a portrait of Princess
Adeline Marie Dunham of Bedford,
and it would have been
donated in the early '70s.
Adeline Marie Dunham of Bedford.
Ah, yes.
I'm seeing the donation,
but the whole collection
was thrown into archives without
being digitized or cataloged.
Could be anywhere back there.
Can we go in there and look?
Of course.
We love letting strangers go back there
and root around our priceless treasures.
I'm pretty sure he's being sarcastic,
although it is hard to tell.
They are dry here.
Peter, what if we were
to enter the archives
and take a look ourselves?
Oh, that's true, we're ghosts.
This shouldn't be too hard.
Back in a jiff.
[PETE GASPS]
Oh, golly.
This is like the end of Raiders.
What is Raiders?
Oh, it's about this really cool
guy who goes to ancient Egypt
to steal a bunch of
priceless antiquities and
You know what?
It's, uh, it's not that good, actually.
Didn't really care for it.
Okay, we are running out of
time to find this painting.
And you remember what
Nancy looks like, right?
Yes, I met her at
Woodstone on Halloween.
She propositioned me while
wearing a potato sack.
That's our girl.
All right, why don't you
take the crates on the right?
I will take the ones on the left.
Peter, what's wrong with your hand?
Oh, that's not good.
I start to disappear when I'm
away too long from Woodstone.
I re-form when I get
back on the property.
Well, what happens if you
don't make it back in time?
I actually don't know.
Peter, perhaps you should leave now.
No, this is too important.
I'll be okay, I have enough time.
Please don't mention anything
to the Livings about this.
Jay's dealing with enough already.
Yeah, let's do this.
Okay.
Nope, just more Greek smut.
How did they invent democracy
when they were carrying on like that?
I mean, where did they find the time?
So, what do you guys think I should do?
You got to tell those movie
people to take a hike, Sam.
Agreed. You cannot give in.
Be like if Andy not return to work
after makeover montage with Tucci.
Let me tell you the story
about Mr. Sylvester Stallone.
Did you know, when he was trying
to sell the screenplay for Rocky,
that they only wanted it
if he didn't play Rocky?
- Is that true?
- But he stuck to his guns,
and in the end it was him
punching beef in that freezer,
it was him going 15
rounds with the champ,
it was him falling in love with that
actually, frankly very
weird girl from the pet store.
Trevor's right, Samantha.
All of us ghosts carry
regrets with us
those shots we did not take,
those rails we did not snort.
- Amen.
- You know, I used to think
that this house and all the
things in it were what mattered,
but now that it might
be taken away from me,
I realize that you,
Samantha, are my true legacy.
You never know what life will bring,
so you need to seize the opportunities
- when they present themselves.
- ISAAC: Agreed.
Many people said I didn't
have what it took to pull off
a strategic surrender
at Fort Ticonderoga,
but I didn't give up.
Isn't a surrender literally giving up?
Yes, but with honor
and having secured enough horsemeat
for all my men, which
was a huge morale boost,
although not for the men in the cavalry.
[CHUCKLING]: That was sort of
a nightmare scenario for them.
I think what Isaac's trying to say is,
this is your moment, Sam.
Yeah, you only regret
the bears you didn't hug.
Wait, no.
Yeah wait.
SAMANTHA: You guys are right.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY]
I know it's a risk, but
I got to stand my ground.
[CHEERING]
THORFINN: This like moment
when Andy return from desk,
successfully wearing Chanel boots.
Triumphant!
You are one weird damn Viking.
JAY: Okay, Winston, this text is
not bad, but you're
gonna want to pull it back
with all the exclamation points.
Way too thirsty.
But I am thirsty.
Still, maybe throw some typos in there
so you look like a busy, happening guy.
"Busy, happening guy"?
I do not have a lot of game.
We found the painting.
Nancy wearing the necklace.
Aisle 37, box nine.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- [SIGHS DEEPLY]
Archives.
They found the painting.
Great, but we still
need a picture of it.
We got to distract this guy
so that we can get into the archives
and take a photo of that
painting to send back to Sam.
Right, but how?
Kyle could engage him in
some short-form improv,
or Jay could fake a heart attack,
or there's always the
tried-and-true pointing
and saying, "Hey,
what's that over there?"
Pete has some ideas.
They're not great, though.
AMUNHOTEP: What if I use
my ghost power to summon
a swarm of locusts to
descend upon the museum,
distracting him away from his post?
Yes, and then Pete and
I can slip in undetected.
Uh, the mummy is going to do locusts.
Oh, hell yeah.
[PANTING]
[WIND WHOOSHING]
[THUNDER CRACKING]
Yeah.
I'm gonna have to put
you on a brief hold.
- What the hell is that?
- [LOCUSTS BUZZING]
And I may not have written
several beloved films yet,
but I know that there
is greatness within me.
I just need the chance.
You know what? You got balls, kid.
Okay, and from her tone,
I'm thinking the testicle
statement is one in our favor?
What the hell? The job is yours.
- [CHEERING]
- What, really?
Congratulations on selling
your first screenplay.
And don't screw up the trilogy.
Oh, my God, thank you,
Paula, I won't let you down.
Yeah, this is great news.
Send the paperwork over,
and we'll have our people
hash out the details.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Ooh, it's a text from Jay.
- They found the painting.
- [GASPS] Uh, I got to go, Paula.
Oh, interesting.
Big shot now, huh?
That's fine, I've got
stuff to do, too, you know.
[LAUGHTER]
HETTY: Ah, look at
that, the little troll's
- really a princess.
- [CHUCKLES]
Thank you for coming
out on such short notice.
We are right up against the
deadline with Ever Creek.
It's no problem at all. [CHUCKLES]
I have a lot of free time
since my wife started sleeping
with Matthew, her Pilates instructor.
I'm not gonna lie,
I'm worried about Joe.
So, what do you think of the painting?
Deft redirect, nicely done.
I think you're going to be very pleased.
This painting is conclusive evidence
this necklace belonged
to Princess Adeline.
- Yes!
- So you're saying
that you now believe that
she died here at Woodstone?
'Cause Stuart gave me poop water.
Indeed I am.
I hereby declare your property
is a historic landmark,
and as such it is
immune to redevelopment.
HETTY: Oh, thank God.
My life's work, my true legacy is saved.
Wait, what about all that business
about Sam being your true legacy?
I was coping.
I mean, she's great, I guess, also,
but thank God, my house has been spared.
Long live this shrine to my greatness!
So now what? Do you,
like, stamp something or
How do we make it official?
Oh, I just have to go back to
my office and fill out a form.
Uh, but that won't be a problem,
seeing as I sleep there now.
Oh, come on, Sam, one
follow-up question.
The man's just looking for a
tiny bit of human connection.
Well thank you, take care.
THORFINN: Oof.
She colder than the ice off
the coast of Honningsvåg.
- It very cold place.
- Ah.
So, yeah, he just looked
at the picture you guys
sent and said we were good.
So now Ever Creek
can't demolish the mansion.
This is great news.
Uh, less important but
still worth sharing
the archivist texted me.
Him and Linda are at
the pub, hitting it off.
What does that mean?
That means your man's texting
game is still on point.
Not something a wife loves to hear.
Oh, uh, tell Pete I
can't wait to see him.
SAMANTHA: Alberta says
she can't wait to see Pete.
Just tell her I can't
wait to see her, too,
and don't mention my arms.
I don't want anyone to worry.
[STAMMERS, SIGHS]
He says he can't wait to see her, too.
And more big news.
Polar Oppositessold.
Oh, my God, babe, that's awesome.
The studio loved the
pitch for the trilogy,
and Paula wants me to write it.
"Wants" is a little strong.
I'd say "settled for" is more accurate.
But still a win.
- This is incredible.
- SAMANTHA: The thing is,
I'd probably have to be out of town
for a little bit for the shoot.
How do you feel about that?
JAY: Um, yeah, it'll be hard,
but, babe, this is your dream.
We'll make it work.
Yes. Yes, it'll be very hard.
Hey, what about Kyle as a
ghost sitter while you're gone?
Oh, my God, that would be amazing.
Kyle is the best.
[CHANTING]: Kyle. Kyle.
Kyle!
It'll probably be pretty hard
for the ghosts, too, I imagine.
Yeah, they're pretty upset.
[CHANTING]: Kyle! Kyle! Kyle!
Hey, uh, what if Kyle came
and stayed for a while?
Oh, that's an interesting idea.
Hey, I might actually
have something to do.
Do you?
Well, I mean, no, but I could have.
SAMANTHA: Okay, thanks very much.
Great news.
They're letting you return that sweater?
No, that was Ever Creek.
Since they can no longer use
Woodstone as a data center,
they're selling it back
to us at a reduced rate
and they're calling the
property "essentially useless."
- Yay! And how dare they?
- THORFINN: So,
can you afford to buy back
seeing how as you are famously poor?
SAMANTHA: Well, I happen
to have an ace up my sleeve.
Finally selling those feet pics.
- Good for you.
- No, I'm talking
about the payment I'm
getting for Polar Opposites.
Hope there'll be a little left over
for that movie theater-style
popcorn machine.
Oh, uh, yes.
That is next on my to-do list.
It's just that it was
sort of the centerpiece
of my whole acceptance speech
when I became ghost representative,
and if you make me look like a
fool, I'm going to destroy you.
Also, congrats on the movie.
- That's so great.
- ALBERTA: Sam, have you heard from Jay?
They're supposed to be back by now.
I know their flight
was delayed taking off
due to a swarm of locusts
in the London area.
Amunhotep he gives with one
hand and takes with the other.
I hope Pete's okay. This
is really pushing it.
They landed 40 minutes ago.
They'll be back any second.
He's going to be fine, Bertie.
Pete. H-How's he doing?
KYLE: Uh,
it's going to be close, Jay.
Hang in there, buddy,
we're going to get you home.
Here I go again on my own ♪
Goin' down the only
road I've ever known. ♪
I sing Whitesnake when I'm nervous.
It started when I was nervous
at a Whitesnake concert.
Lot of people close together,
and those bathroom lines
Yeah, those are tough.
Let's-let's get home fast, okay, Jay?
We're going to get you there, Pete.
We're only a few minutes away.
Here I go again on my own ♪
Goin' down the only
road I've ever known ♪
Like a drifter, I was
born to walk alone. ♪
Pete?
Oh, no, Pete.
- What?
- He's gone.