Malcolm in the Middle s05e22 Episode Script

1
Previously
on Malcolm in the Middle
I love you.
I want to break up.
DRILL SERGEANT:
Welcome to the US Army!
You are not
going to lie
to put someone in jail
who might be innocent.
Can't he at least
put some pants on?
Just as soon as we
get a good perp walk
out of him.
MAN:
Your court order says you have
to stay within
a 50-foot radius.
My drill sergeant's breath
is not my concern!
I know you're innocent,
and I can prove it.
Just make sure you stay
within 30 feet of this backpack.
I want you to explain
to these recruits
how the worst soldier
in the unit
has managed to put
them all to shame.
I just stopped thinking.
I'm the world's
happiest tool.
Mom, you've been in
there for three hours!
LOIS:
In a minute. I'm in the shower!
I think we got a bomb here.
Sir, I need you to step away
to a distance
of at least 150 feet.
I can't do that.
I'm I'm
I'm in the bomb squad.
Yes, no, maybe
I don't know
Can you repeat the question?
You're not the boss
of me now ♪
You're not
the boss of me now ♪
You're not the boss
of me now ♪
And you're not so big
You're not the boss
of me now ♪
You're not
the boss of me now ♪
You're not the boss
of me now ♪
And you're not so big
Life is unfair.
OFFICER :
You're not alone.
We've called every
available police officer
in the Tri-County area.
Are you sure
you don't need
any equipment?
We've got some
needle-nose pliers.
No! Stay away!
Everyone has to stay away!
This thing is picking up
a lot of vibrations right now.
I said get back.
Do you have a death wish,
Officer?
I'm Lieutenant Sortino
with the bomb squad.
I'm here to help.
What's your name?
No time for introductions.
We've got a level five explosive
with a gravity timer
and a percussion fuse.
What bomb squad
did you say you were with?
Millbrook.
I'm off duty.
Came by to return
a library book.
You've got a better
selection here.
And they charge 50 cents a day
back home.
Now, I know the fines help pay
for the place,
but that's really
a very small part of the budget.
Now, if we are finished
playing 20 questions,
I've got lives to save.
Since you guys seem
more up to date in Millbrook,
I'm just going to go call
your supervisor,
see if he can send
some backup.
Hoo-hoo! Sure.
If you can find him.
Okay, I'm going to try
to detach the coaxial
:
Oh, no!
I cut the wrong wire!
It's gonna blow!
Tell my wife I love her!
Five!
Four!
Three!
Two!
One!
See? You don't need
grocery money if
you're creative.
I wish I had better
news for you, Hal,
but the prosecution
has 30 eyewitnesses
that can all avoid
going to prison themselves
by fingering you.
How about my mystery guy?
He's only got
six months to live.
He doesn't want to die
with a guilty conscience.
He's gonna completely
exonerate me.
And he's not imaginary.
This is pretty much
how things
have been going
around here lately.
Dad's trial starts tomorrow,
we still have no idea
where Reese is,
and Mom kind of had
a breakdown.
It's okay. She's slowly
working her way back.
I think her new hobby's
helping her.
This one's name
is Sam Gundlebumps.
He grew up on a farm
where he was friends
with a turkey and a duck.
He can't see very well, so
he's always getting lost.
It'll be okay, Lois.
We're gonna find Reese.
:
Look, he picked flowers.
He's going a-courtin'.
Right face!
Left face!
About face!
Right arm windmill!
Hop on your left foot!
Teapot!
About face!
Forward march!
He'll do that all day.
He's got no more
thought than a bug.
It's almost enough
to restore my faith
in the future of this army.
I guess those subliminal ads
are working after all.
The army doesn't
use subliminal ads.
At ease!
Now, in a few days
we have some
very important
field training exercises,
and I want you
to be my number two,
because you will obey
my every command
like some kind of beautiful,
brainless zombie robot.
I'd be honored, Drill Sergeant.
Now let's go make
some bets
and march you
into the electric fence.
WOMAN:
I saw the defendant
hack through
the proxy server's firewall,
and delete the SPE files
without leaving any tracks.
I didn't totally understand it,
but he said the
dummy corporation
could be used to launder
all the money we siphoned off.
You can threaten
my children all you want!
I don't care!
I have to tell the truth!
For God's sakes,
do something.
Just be patient.
There's such a thing
as too much evidence.
Eventually they'll get bored.
The prosecution
calls Gordon Walker.
That's him.
That's my guy.
I was worried about what
I would say when I got up here,
but deep down, I knew
I would have to tell the truth.
There's a conspiracy
going on here,
and it's all been orchestrated
by that man.
:
Is he pointing at someone
directly behind me?
And after he shredded
the last of the documents,
he delivered the punch line
to yet another
racist joke.
PROSECUTOR:
No further questions.
Turns out I'm gonna live.
They had the wrong X ray.
Boy, when you've had
a scare like mine,
you realize what's
really important--
staying out of jail.
Good luck.
MALCOLM:
With this many people lying,
we've got to be able
to find something
to trip one of them up.
Let's not get
our hopes up.
Mom, I know you've
had a rough time
and that your little
projects are very
therapeutic for you,
but Dad is in very big trouble.
You have to start helping.
Honey, I know this is a crisis,
and believe me,
I'm doing everything I can.
I spent extra money
on quick-drying glue,
so no matter how you shake it,
the sequins won't fall off.
After what happened
at Compulsories,
Rebecca's really got to nail
her long program.
Those flour bombs
just don't do it for me.
I miss the old days
when we got to use
live ordnance.
That looked like the movies.
Tell your men advance
northwest, 20 meters.
Advance northwest, 20 meters!
North-northeast,
five meters!
North-northeast, five meters!
Crap. I'm hit!
I'm gonna go die
over here in the shade.
Get to the rendezvous point!
Bravo, lay down cover fire!
Alpha, flank right.
Get to the rendezvous point!
Bravo, lay down cover fire.
Alpha, flank right!
You are really showing
leadership, soldier!
I am really
showing leadership!
I'm allergic to wheat products!
This is going
to be awesome.
You've got
to watch this.
He swells up
like a balloon.
Hey!
We got a vehicle
from Blue Team approaching.
Squad Leader!
Intercept that vehicle!
Yes, Sergeant!
Oh, no!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
God, I love that boy.
More Blue Team vehicles
approaching-- should we run?
Sergeant! Sergeant!
Forget the sergeant!
Just say we can run!
Sergeant? Sergeant?
Idiot! Move!
Reese! Come on!
Can we go?!
Sergeant? Sergeant?
Sergeant? Sergeant?
Sergeant?
Ladies and gentlemen, you have
heard a staggering amount
of evidence
against the defendant.
Let me clarify what we now know.
Three members of
the board of directors
testified that the defendant
submitted altered financial
statements on August 9.
The Senior VP of Finance
heard the defendant plot to hide
company assets offshore
on December 6.
The Chief Operations Officer
saw him shredding documents
in a stairwell
on February 21.
And on June 27,
the Director of IT Services
testified that the defendant
showed him pictures
of his new yacht
which he named Above the Law.
And, on July 11,
you heard the Senior Analyst
break down in tears
as he revealed
the defendant's scheme
to bilk the company
out of millions
What are you
doing?
Shh. I'm awake.
I'm trying to get you
grounds for an appeal.
Mom?
Are you coming out for dinner?
I'm just taking
Penelope's temperature.
I think she caught
Ambrosia's cold.
Is Penelope
the foreign correspondent
or the candy striper?
No, she's just
a homemaker,
but a big candy
company's
interested in her
taffy recipe.
Can I have the potatoes?
You can have anything
you want, son,
if you're willing
to work for it.
Just reach
for the stars
and never let go.
I should have told you that
a long time ago.
And when you write
an angry letter,
hold onto it
for a day.
You might not feel the
same in the morning.
And never invest
in a friend's
restaurant. Never.
You know what?
I'm not hungry.
Come on, Dewey,
let's go teach you
how to shave.
Great!
When you
tip a valet,
always fold your
dollar up real tight.
That way, by the time
he sees what he's got,
you're down
the block.
Dad?
I made coffee. You want some?
Oh, hi.
I was just singing.
Always have a song
in your heart, son.
Thanks.
You know what
the worst thing is?
I have always
hated that job.
I wanted to quit
ten years ago
when they started
deducting for sick days.
I wanted to quit
a year ago
when they started making us
vacuum out our own cubicles.
If I'd have
done that,
they would have
found another patsy
and I wouldn't have been
in this mess.
They should have just fired me.
I was a terrible employee.
I never read a memo,
I came in late,
I blew off Fridays.
What the hell is wrong
with those people?
Just promise me
that you'll learn
from my mistakes.
Don't ever settle, Malcolm.
I won't.
I'm going to go make love
to your mother one last time.
I probably wasn't going
to sleep tonight anyway.
Malcolm, we have to talk.
We've been avoiding
this, but it's
time to face the facts.
We need you to forge Dad's
signature on this document
declaring Mom
mentally incompetent.
That way, when Dad
goes to jail,
you can get emancipated
and I'll take custody
of Dewey and Jamie.
It's funny.
I always figured Mom for jail
and Dad for the loony bin.
Life, huh?
I can't fake
Dad's signature.
I do Mom.
Reese does Dad.
What?
You should each
be able to do both.
What did I tell you
about building
a little redundancy
into the system?
Wait a second.
Oh, my God.
What is it?
I need to talk to Dad right now.
Maybe I'll wait 20 minutes.
What were your
orders, Private?!
I don't know.
Ask the sergeant.
Tell us your call signs
and frequencies!
I don't know.
Ask the sergeant.
We don't have
to do this
the hard way.
Let's all take
a break
and relax
a little.
You want a glass
of water?
I don't know.
Ask the sergeant.
Stop saying that!
This may not be a real war,
but I got an extra day's leave
riding on this,
and a girlfriend
who is in model school.
Model school!
Now you will talk or I will make
your life a living hell!
You don't think I want to?!
This sucks!
I've been a good soldier!
I shut off my brain
like the Army wanted.
Everyone said I was
doing great, but I'm not!
I have to help my squad.
The guys are depending on me,
but I can't!
You know what?
I don't care what the Army says.
I'm sick of this!
I'm turning my brain back on!
Did it happen?
Did what happen?
Wait
I think it's
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
Is it?
Damn, I wish there was
more of a difference.
Look, you can act
as crazy as you'd like,
'cause I got nothing but time.
And no one's coming
to rescue you.
Not your sergeant,
not your squad,
and your mama's
not going to come
and wipe your nose
and change your diaper.
Mom.
Mom. Of course.
Freak held
his breath
until he turned blue
and then passed out.
Yeah! Whoo!
Haven't done that in a while.
You okay?
I'm fine.
I know how to get us
out of here.
That's impossible. Look around.
We're in prison, man.
Wrong. We are not in prison.
We're grounded.
And there's always a way
to get out of being grounded.
You can pry up
some floorboards
set your bed on fire.
There's only two things
you have to remember.
You need a diversion
and the little guy
gets screwed.
But that's okay.
He's too little to do
anything about it.
You're going to have
to eat some dirt-- about
three pounds of it.
What good's a diversion
going to do? We're tied up.
I guess your brothers
never tied you up
and left you in a Dumpster
on trash day.
Okay,
start eating.
It's not fatal,
it only looks like it.
We need more shovels!
And just get every
bucket you can find!
You might want
to hike up your pants.
He's got another
half hour of this.
Good news, sir.
It looks like Red
Team's about to fold.
Two squads have
been captured,
the others are pinned down
here, here, and here.
Okay, now we've just got to
sneak the keys out of his purse.
Test, test.
Test, test.
The microphone works.
The chair
is perfect,
and your hair
looks fine, sir.
Can we proceed?
Now then, Hal, we've heard
a lot of testimony
from people about what
you've done at this company.
Why don't you tell us
in your own words
what kind of
an employee you were.
Marginal.
At best.
Would you care to elaborate?
When you work for a big,
impersonal corporation
like this
You know those nature shows
where a wasp paralyzes
a caterpillar,
then injects it full of larvae?
It stays alive for weeks,
completely aware,
feeling every little bite
as the larvae
devour it from the inside.
I sat in a cubicle every day
envying that caterpillar
'cause at least
he got to be on TV.
I hated that job.
I was a crappy employee.
And yet countless
eyewitnesses paint you
as a man at the center
of an ingenious conspiracy.
Shh-shh
Time and time again
you were placed
at a crucial event.
Do you have any way
of refuting these claims?
Well, I didn't.
Who could remember
what they were doing
on January 25, 2002
or March 14, 2003?
But my son
figured something out.
Stand up,
Malcolm.
I know he
looks normal,
but my son is a freaky genius
with numbers.
I'm telling you,
his head should be
the size of a medicine ball.
You give him
any day of any year,
and he can tell you
what day
of the week it is.
And what does that have
to do with anything?
Well, he figured out
that every date on the board
is a Friday.
Every one.
You can check the calendar.
DENNIS:
I'm sorry,
I don't understand
why that would be
so important.
I haven't shown up for work
on a Friday in 15 years.
He didn't show up on Fridays
for 15 years!
That isn't going to be
on the record, is it?
Do you have any evidence
to back up this wild assertion?
Well, yeah, once I knew
what to look for,
I realized I had almost
everything I need
right here in my memory box.
The prosecution maintains
that you handed
the board of directors
a set of cooked books
on August 9.
Yes, that's when I went
to Bavaria Land.
And when
you were
supposed to be hiding money
offshore on December 6?
I went to The Nutcracker.
Pretty good for a community
college production.
DENNIS:
February 21.
My driver's
license
from Grand Prix Go-Carts.
June 27.
Pilgrim Village.
July 11.
There was a ghost
in my car.
Right in my car.
And finally,
August 22.
Well, I was chosen
to be a junior trainer
at Oceanland.
He did all the work.
I just stood there.
Congratulations,
Hal.
Sorry about my little
outburst there at the end.
But they really
should say
"Innocent" instead
of "Not guilty."
It's confusing.
Lois, we won the case.
Now we can get
our lives back
to the way they were.
You didn't work
on Fridays?
After all
the sacrifices
I made for this family.
For 15 years
I worked double shifts,
drove carpool,
cleaned the house
while you were
feeding Shamu!
Actually, it's Keiko 2.
He's smaller, but you get
just as wet in the front row.
It's a really good show.
Let's
We should see it
sometime.
All right, let's
get this over with.
Red Team surrenders.
Come on, Hendrix,
you can put a little
feeling into it.
Yes, sir.
That leaves us with
the matter of the wager.
I believe I can
expect to see you
bright and early
tomorrow morning
marching on the
parade grounds
wearing patent leather
pumps and a bustier.
Now, I've always
favored red, but
far be it from me
to tell a lady
how to dress.
Captain,
I suggest you surrender.
If not, I have enough flour
packed in this
barrel to bake
500 cakes.
All right, don't fire.
We hereby surrender.
Ah, what the hell.
Things are finally
back to normal.
Well, except for the fact
that Reese is still missing,
Mom and Dad both
don't have jobs,
and we're
$20,000 in debt.
It's a letter from Reese.
Oh, my God,
he's joined the army.
"Dear family, I'm fine.
"I waited till I was
a success to write to you.
"I finished basic
training at the top
"of my class.
"My drill sergeant told me
I've earned some
sort of reward."
All right, gentlemen.
We've entered
Afghani airspace.
We expect
both hostile
and friendly fire.
The better you remember
your training,
the longer you will survive.
On your feet!
How soon do we land?
Well, that's
up to you.
Remember, pull the green cord
before the light green cord.