Ghosts (2021) s05e90 Episode Script

1
Polar Opposites sold.
The studio loved the
pitch for the trilogy,
and Paula wants me to write it.
- This is incredible.
- The thing is,
I'd probably have to be out of town
for a little bit for the shoot.
What if Kyle came and
stayed for a while?
[CHANTING]: Kyle! Kyle!
Sam, have you heard from Jay?
They're supposed to be back
by now. I hope Pete's okay.
This is really pushing it.
They landed 40 minutes ago.
They'll be back any second.
He's gonna be fine, Bertie.
JAY: Pete!
How's he doing?
- Oh, no.
- What?
He's gone.
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, Jay's waiting to
speak with Samantha.
She's on the set of that holiday rom-com
she wrote, Polar Opposites.
Which they filming in Australia,
because of powerful force
known as tax credit.
There's my girl.
Hey, babe. And any ghosts
if you're in there.
Oh. Hey, living butler!
She can't hear or see us
on the video chat, Nancy.
- Oh.
- THORFINN: That feature
they hopefully including in next update.
Has anyone seen Trevor?
I tracked down that old issue of
Maxim magazine he wanted.
The one with sexy Marge
Simpson on the cover.
- Oh, hey, Sam.
- SAMANTHA: Hey, Kyle!
How's the ghost-sitting going?
Well, I'm, uh, delivering cartoon smut
to dead people, so you know.
And Jay, any big Halloween plans?
What's the latest on bringing
Pete back with a séance?
Well, the good news is, I
think Jerry's coming over
with a box of Pete's old belongings.
Jerry was Pete's best friend in
life who cuckold him repeatedly.
- He good guy.
- JAY: Obviously, we don't know
if anything in there will be an item
that was on Pete's person when he died.
Jay texted Jerry to see if he
had the arrow that killed Peter.
For a moment, there were
little reply bubbles,
and then no bubbles, and then,
Jerry just ha-ha'd Jay's
weird text, and they moved on.
But even if we have
something, we don't know
if it'll bring Pete back.
I mean, technically,
he wasn't sucked off.
He disappeared.
It's going to work. It has to work.
Man, somebody's got to have it.
♪
JAY: Arondekar in the game.
He fakes left, he goes
strong to the hole!
Too strong, boss. That was a sweet move.
HETTY: Blind sycophancy from
your workers. Oh, I miss that.
Guess who's got a date with
the hot guy from the gym?
I did have to take a pretty
bad dive on a treadmill,
- but he finally noticed me.
- JAY: Nice.
- Where you going?
- Oh, he's taking me
to this big Halloween party tonight.
Oof. Kyle, relay my oof.
Trevor's expressing
some sort of concern.
Wait. What's he saying?
He's saying that a Halloween
party is the last place
you want to take this guy,
because it's, uh, his words,
"crawling with sexy lifeguards."
TREVOR: I died during peak Baywatch.
You insert your own specifics.
I hate to admit it, but
No Pants has a point.
Speaking of points, here's two more.
Arondekar backs down his
defender. Fakes right.
[ROARING]
[HETTY SCREAMS]
And they broke a mirror on Halloween.
That not good.
ALBERTA: Ooh. Big news, people.
That guy Jerry just
called Jay and confirmed
he'll be by later with
a box of Pete's stuff!
We're bringing our boy back.
- SASAPPIS: Oh. So, it's actually happening.
- Maybe.
If the box contains an
item that Pete died with,
and if séances work on
roamers who disappeared.
This is not the time for Lucid Flower.
We need pie-in-the-sky,
drug-riddled positivity right now.
[LAUGHS] Let's go!
Ah!
Oh, this isn't good.
What are you talking about?
Pete once shared with me that
if he ever got sucked off,
he didn't want to be brought back.
He had a DNS a "do not séance."
Whoa. Why did he have that?
Well, part of it was fear.
Remember how Hetty's maid,
who we brought back that one year,
told us that if she ever
revealed any specifics
she would literally melt?
I mean, that's not such a big
deal. I see that all the time.
For instance, your face
is melting right now.
Regardless, we can't go
through with this séance.
Okay, but Alberta seems really
set on going through with it.
I know. It's going to be a tough talk.
Well, maybe the box of Pete's belongings
won't include an item that he died with.
Or maybe a gas leak
will blow up the house.
Jay did break a mirror on Halloween.
True. We do have that going for us.
Ah, hey, how'd it go?
We found an incredible match.
- Yeah, we did.
- What going on?
Jay's been scouring antique
stores across the Hudson Valley
in an attempt to hide from
Samantha that he broke her mirror.
- Wow. That was quick work.
- JAY: Right?
Maybe even quick enough
to cancel any bad luck,
because we immediately made
things right with the universe.
Kind of like when Indy
quickly switched out that golden
statue for the bag of sand.
But didn't that not work?
And then, the temple crumbled,
and then Indy almost got
squashed by that giant boulder.
- It's a it's a good theory, Jay.
- And
voilà!
Am I right? Sam's not
gonna be able to tell.
Can you spot a difference?
Well, I can spot one kind
of m-major difference.
Who are you? Where am I?
Is it the slightly lighter patina?
I don't think she's gonna notice that.
There's a ghost in the mirror, Jay.
Seriously?
Ghost in the mirror, people!
Things are getting weird!
There's a ghost in the mirror?
Yeah, I was already a little
creeped out by the ghosts.
And now this? Mm-mm. Mark out.
You look so familiar.
No, it can't be.
Well, I can assure
you we have never met.
THORFINN: Yeah. You used to
live here, but you had, um
mustache.
Oh, my God.
- Margaret.
- [SCOFFS]
- Hetty.
- You two know each other?
That's my sister.
This is your mustachioed
sister Margaret?
I don't get it. Why the nickname?
Ah. So, apparently, mirror
ghost is Hetty's sister.
JAY: Okay. Well, that sounds more
strange coincidence than ominous.
How on earth did you find yourself
in this terrible predicament?
- It was all Hetty's fault.
- What?!
There may be some beef
between the sisters.
For one, Hetty seems to be responsible
for Margaret getting
trapped in the mirror.
Ah, come on, ghosts. Let's
keep it light this year.
The year was 1890.
I was dying from a toothache,
which was common at the time.
Is there anything else
you can do, Doctor?
There is one last thing.
What is that? A miracle elixir?
It's shaving cream.
This soup strainer's
been driving me nuts.
She should be presentable
to meet her maker.
I'm bereft.
[SIGHS] Please do not
think any less of me
for requiring the aid
of medicinal cocaine.
How could I? I prescribed it.
Although, can't it wait?
Those mirrors are covered for a reason.
If her spirit catches
even a glimpse of itself,
she would end up trapped inside,
possibly for all eternity.
[LAUGHING]: Oh, please, that
is just an old wives' tale.
It was not an old wives' tale.
My spirit left my body,
I saw my reflection,
and, whoosh, in I went.
That's why you don't have your mustache.
Not the main takeaway, but yes.
KYLE: So, basically, if a
spirit sees itself in the mirror
at the moment when you die,
it gets trapped, and
that happened because
Hetty was snorting lines
next to Margaret's deathbed.
- Mm-hmm. That's our girl.
- HETTY: Okay.
There is no way that I could have known
that superstition
would end up being true.
You were warned many times.
It was a commonly held belief.
You just never listened.
HETTY: Well, we believed a
lot of crazy stuff back then.
We thought your uterus could fly
out during a bumpy train ride.
That was also true!
I don't have to take this. You,
Living who apparently can see ghosts,
storm me out of here!
As angrily as you can.
Uh okay.
I don't understand.
Where are all the girls?
It's actually a pretty interesting
strategy Bela's come up with.
Per your warning,
she was concerned about
taking this Evan guy
to a party full of sexy chicks.
So, she threw her own party
and invited only dudes.
All dudes? On Halloween?
This is a travesty.
Thor calling party the Halloweiner.
Is clever combination of
"Halloween" and "weiner."
Oh, damn it, that's good!
EVAN: It's funny. I see
you at the gym all the time,
but I never see you working out.
Oh, I only go when I run
out of body wash. Kidding.
I also go to watch Real Housewives.
I don't pay for cable.
You're hilarious.
Why don't I, uh, get us some drinks?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Thor think these two destined
to lay together tonight.
- Shall be a most successful Halloweiner.
- [LAUGHS]
BELA: Amanda, you look amazing.
What the hell are you doing here?
Is that Amanda from Jay's restaurant?
She cleans up nice.
[SPUTTERS] It's easy to clean up nice.
What's tough is looking hot dirty.
Gabe told me everyone from the
restaurant had to come scare people
because you were doing
another haunted house.
I'm gonna get you guys
when you least expect it.
Gabe, you moron, I
invited you to a party.
The haunted house was last year.
Ah, dang. I missed it?
No. You were there.
Now, Amanda, I do kind of need you
- to scram, so
- Amanda?
Oh, my God, Evan?
We went to Wesleyan together.
- We played Ultimate Frisbee.
- BELA: Oh, my God.
That's so crazy. [LAUGHS]
It's too bad you can't stay.
Hey, remember when Davis
floated me that scoober,
and I had to pancake-catch
it to beat Amherst?
Uh, yeah. You were incredible that game.
- EVAN: Stop it. You were incredible.
- No, you stop it.
Yeah, guys, stop it.
THORFINN: Two people shall
be lying together tonight,
but Thor fear one shall not be Bela.
[SIGHS]
Hetty, we just wanted
to see how you're doing.
Fine. I know how to
keep a stiff upper lip,
which is much better than a hairy one.
Ah, damn that doctor
for ruining my insults.
ISAAC: Listen, Hetty,
everyone makes mistakes.
So you consigned your sister
to a mirror for 130 years.
[LAUGHING]: I once sneezed and
accidentally shot and killed Nigel.
You also sneezed and
lost Patience to the dirt,
where she proceeded to lose her mind.
Okay, yeah, but we're
not doing me right now.
The point is, is you have a chance
to repair your relationship
with your sister.
I don't want to repair the relationship.
What you don't know is that
Margaret ruined my life.
What are you talking about?
Do you remember the painter
that I was madly in love with?
The one that my father
forbade me from seeing again?
Of course. You let him
paint your bare ankle.
I mean, I was cool with
Andy Warhol taking Polaroids
of me doing naked cartwheels,
but for you, ankle was a very big deal.
Well, it was Margaret
who reported our romance to my father.
[GASPS]
It was my one chance at love,
and she took it from me.
That sounds truly awful, Hetty.
And I can't imagine how
tough that all must have been.
But she is your sister.
As a ghost, I witnessed
you two as children,
and early on, you were quite close.
I haven't thought about
those days in ages.
Oh, come on. Don't you remember
the pranks you would pull?
Hiding your father's watch in the
butler's pocket to get him fired?
Oh. More than fired. I believe
Henrick ended up on a
chain gang in Appalachia.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, no, I hear you. We did have fun.
All I'm saying is that you've been given
the rare chance for a fresh start,
and I think you should take it.
I suppose you might have a point.
FLOWER: Great. Now imagine this,
but with my hoo-ha totally out.
- [THUDDING ON FLOOR]
- Ooh.
Didn't have to imagine it.
Okay, could this old VCR work to
bring Pete back at the séance?
We think it has to be something
that was on his person when he died, so,
unless he got shot in the neck
while rewinding The Goonies,
- this is not gonna get it done.
- Ooh.
- What about these glasses?
- JAY: Those seem promising.
SASAPPIS: I mean, are we even sure
- those are the ones he died in?
- ALBERTA: Those are the ones.
I recognize the scratch on the lens.
I looked past them
every time I would stare
into Pete's beautiful baby browns.
Alberta's positive these
are the right glasses.
Okay, great. Well, I'll
go get the séance candles,
which is a sentence I've
said way too many times
since moving into this house.
Wait. L-Look, I didn't
say anything before because
I didn't know if we were going
to be able to find an object,
but I know for a fact that
Pete had a Do Not Séance.
He didn't want to be brought back.
- Why not?
- He was afraid he'd say too much
about the after-after-life and melt.
A Do Not Séance? Oh, come on.
TREVOR: Ooh. I kind of get it.
Pete was a famous over-sharer.
SASAPPIS: And a travel agent.
What if they had little
hotel soaps up there?
Or in-room dining, or the
24-hour fitness center?
You don't think he'd
be raving about those?
This is ridiculous. Even if
he did have a Do Not Séance,
that was before we were dating.
I know Pete,
and there's nothing he wouldn't
risk to make it back to me.
But, again, he could melt.
Like the Nazis in Raiders.
Which I know is a movie Pete liked,
but probably not one he
would want to reenact.
You wouldn't be doing
this for Pete, Alberta.
You'd be doing this for
yourself, and it's selfish.
- How dare you.
- How dare you!
Whoa. He turn it around on her.
Powerful use of repetition.
ALBERTA: I lost someone
that was very special to me,
and I never even got the
chance to say goodbye.
This is my chance.
We are doing this
séance, and that's final.
Huh. A well-thumbed TV Guide
with Loni Anderson on
the cover. Kind of random.
Yeah, you're probably going
to want to put that down.
Hello, sister.
Have you thought of some
new way to ruin my afterlife?
Perhaps you'd like to
move me to the bathroom?
No. I've come to talk.
MARGARET: Why has the
constable been called?
Are there some deadbeat Irish about
to be evicted by the homeowners?
Oh, no, uh, there's a
costume party downstairs.
It's Halloween.
Is it?
Uh
- Well, as I was saying
- Henrietta,
I can see that you're
extending an olive branch.
I propose a fresh start.
You mean we just sweep
our difficult histories
under the rug and move
on like nothing happened?
- I love it.
- Come, sister,
so that we may join our
hands in a gesture of peace.
[GASPS]
[LAUGHS] Ah!
Now that feels much better.
[SCOFFS]
I don't understand! What
happened to our fresh start?
I don't want a fresh start.
I only pretended when I
found out it was Halloween,
the one day where the veil
between worlds is thin enough
to allow passage through the mirror.
Then why not just come out?
Why condemn me to this prison?
Because the mirror is one in,
one out, so get comfortable.
But I thought we were
forgiving each other.
[LAUGHING]: Oh.
No, Henrietta. What you
did to me was unforgivable.
Trapping you was an accident!
Again, we had a lot of weird
superstitions back then.
We thought riding a bicycle could
change the shape of your face.
We called it "bicycle face."
Well, that was also true!
It happened to my
friend Windswept Wendy.
But I'm not talking about the mirror.
I'm talking about something much worse.
What? What did I do?
Well, if you don't remember,
I'm not going to tell you.
You'll have a lifetime in
the mirror to figure it out.
Meanwhile, I'll be far, far away.
Au revoir.
Wendy wasn't windswept.
She was just losing weight!
She had a parasite!
Okay, so, according to the
instructions that Sam sent me,
I say the incantation, and then,
everybody holds hands
and repeats after me.
"Spirit, spirit, draw in near.
From beyond, join us here."
ALL: "Spirit, spirit, draw in near.
From beyond, join us here."
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Ooh.
[LAUGHING]
[GASPS] Pete!
I missed you all so much.
Especially you, Bertie.
I knew you'd feel that way.
PETE: I'm so happy to
see you all, I'm not even
gonna miss my nightly turndown
service with Swiss choc
[ALL SCREAMING]
That worst thing Thor ever
see, which is saying something!
No!
"Spirit, spirit, draw in near."
- Stop!
- Uh, what is it, Alberta?
We can't do this.
Sass was right.
I wasn't doing this for Pete.
I was doing this for myself.
But it's just
It's too risky.
SASAPPIS: I know this
must be really hard,
but you're making the right call.
We're all gonna miss Pete so much, but
we're gonna get through it together.
We love you, Bertie.
Kyle, what's going on? Fill me in, bro.
Oh, sorry. Uh, Alberta changed her mind.
She doesn't want to do it anymore.
Oh.
So why are we still holding hands?
I don't know.
MARK: Looking good, you guys.
You heading to the Catalina Wine Mixer?
Oh, is that a reference to
the film Step Brothers?
I've never seen it. Uh, Jay just
told me to wear this costume.
- JAY: So how's it going here?
- MARK: Bad.
Evan and Amanda have been bonding
over Ultimate Frisbee
for the last half hour.
BELA: Ugh. All I want is
a guy who won't abandon me
at a party I threw just to trap him.
Is that too much to ask?
- Oh, my God, Margaret.
- [YELPS]
- You're out of the mirror!
- Yes.
My sister and I made amends,
and I suppose being released from that
emotional prison released me
from my physical one, as well.
Wow. Hetty must be so
happy. Where is she?
She had to walk it off.
The vulnerability took a toll.
KYLE: Okay, so, fun update.
Uh, Margaret made up with Hetty,
and it released her from the mirror.
Well, that's amazing.
Thank you all for your hospitality,
but I think I should join my
beloved sister on her constitutional.
I'm catching up here, but are
you saying that that ghost lady
who was stuck in the mirror got out?
JAY: Yeah, but it
still kind of feels like
the mirror is vaguely cursed.
I wonder if that antique
store takes returns.
ISAAC: Or exchanges.
Kyle, perhaps you
could look for a mirror
that has, say, a buff
paleontologist in it?
MARK: The mirror was final sale,
but for my holiday rate,
I could drop it off at the dump for you.
Halloween counts as a holiday?
Do I have to pay for your mileage, too?
Jay, come on. Of course you do.
Alberta,
we know you sad because
you not get to see Pete one last time.
Yeah, I guess I just
wanted a little closure.
And now, his death day's
coming up next week.
That's gonna be a hard milestone.
Well, we looked through that
box of stuff Jerry brought,
and it turned out there
was a tape in that VCR.
It's a TV spot that ran
locally in the early '80s.
[GRUNTS]
[VCR WHIRRING]
- [ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]
- Howdy, friends.
I'm Pete Martino,
and I want to help you
get where you're going.
- Oh.
- Whether it's beautiful Sicily,
or vibrant Havana, here
at Randuzzo Travel,
we specialize in
vacations so incredible,
a surprising number of
our clients never return.
Phone call for you,
Pete. It's a
It's a client with a problem.
I need to take this,
because at Randuzzo Travel,
you're not just a
customer. You're
- famiglia.
- Famiglia.
Bye now.
[SNIFFLES, CLICKS TONGUE]
Bye, Pete.
How did he not know he was in the mob?
Yeah, child, the signs
were all there. [LAUGHS]
You want me to take anything else
to the dump while I'm making the trip?
The dump?!
I'm good. Hey, what about
Canadian Thanksgiving?
Does that trigger your holiday rate?
I have a cousin from Edmonton, so, yes.
Duly noted.
Oh! Put me down! Unhand me. Unhand me!
I don't want to go to the dump!
Kyle! Ghosts!
Somebody help!
You watch where you
touch me, you pervert!
Hetty!
What are you doing in the mirror?
Oh, Trevor, my sister tricked me,
and now these goons are
trying to get rid of me.
- [YELLING]
- [JAY AND HETTY YELL]
[TREVOR GASPS]
What the hell, Gabe?!
Hetty?!
Damn it. Another seven years bad luck.
Got that Knicks
championship in just in time.