Abbott Elementary (2021) s06e01 Episode Script

1
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Every year, one lucky
school gets a new playground
built by the Philadelphia Eagles,
so I reached out and they
had already picked their school.
I told them, "Fine, I'll
reach out to the 76ers."
And I didn't get a response back,
so I did an Instagram call to action
in the tone of a threatening plea
to sort of pressure them
socially, and it worked.
- What's going on here?
- The Sixers are building us a playground.
As in six guys, or the
Philadelphia 76ers?
Oh. Don't be rude, Greg.
They said there's some
deep bench players,
which is why we don't recognize 'em.
- Uh-huh. And this is free?
- Yes.
Well, actually, um, the way it
works is we pay for it up front
and then they they're going to
reimburse us, uh, when it's finished.
It's a very interesting concept.
Sorry, who are you guys?
Hey, man. Be cool. I'm Dean Wade.
Nope, he's white. And what
position could you possibly play?
A point guard.
It's possible. You've
seen Jalen Brunson.
This looks kinda bad.
Maybe they're only
efficient at basketball.
Maybe. Let's find out.
Dean, check up.
[YELPS]
Shut it down.
The school year just started
and I'm already getting scammed.
All right, guys, get outta here!
Yo, what's up?
I'm Tyrese Maxey. This is
VJ. This is our new guy Jaylen.
We saw your Instagram post.
- Very effective.
- More like threatening.
Hey, man, sorry we
late, but we're here now.
Yeah, all right. Well,
if you're the Sixers,
where's LeBron James?
This is gonna sound like a lie,
but he's actually running
up the Rocky Steps right now.
- [LAUGHING]
- He loves that movie.
Yeah, right. Get the hell
out of here, you tall jerks.
Man, this one crazy as hell.
Really gotta start
watching men's sports.
Thank you. Ooh!
Damn, it's hotter in
here than it is outside.
[JANINE EXHALES]
I hope the gym isn't boiling
during the development meeting.
You know it will be. I just
hope the meeting goes fast.
I have a classroom to build.
This year I am theming my classroom.
So teachers on TikTok,
they're completely
transforming their rooms.
I've seen magic themes,
space themes But me?
Get your raincoat, baby.
[SQUAWKS]
'Cause welcome to the jungle
themed classroom.
I'm this way.
Oh, yeah, that's right,
Mr. Assistant Principal.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, oh, oh. Uh
- You got You got it? You all right?
- Yeah, I got it.
- It's good. You got Go ahead.
- Okay.
So last year I got bumped
up to assistant principal
after Abbott was saved at the
teachers' conference in Miami.
So I've been preparing all summer.
I took some continuing ed courses,
developed a rapport with
Interim Superintendent Collins.
I even hired my own replacement,
so the first graders will
be in excellent hands.
Janine says I'm flourishing.
I don't know about
all that, but you know
Blazay-blah.
Ah! We have two new teachers this year.
Mr. Eddie's replacement will
be here on the first day of school,
and second grade teacher
Elsa Hardaway will be joining us
from newly shut-down Bates Academy.
- Hey, what room is she taking?
- The first floor classroom, your old room.
It won't be a swing
space anymore, people.
Oh, crap. I wanna get my old room back.
My ankles and those stairs
go together like oil and vinegar.
Good for a side salad,
but not the main course,
- you know what I mean?
- Uh-huh.
- [AVA] Next, we have
- [ALL GASPING, MURMURING]
Oh! What the hell happened to you?
- [MELISSA] Barb!
- I'm fine. I I'm fine.
Barb, your phone is
cracked and your your hair
[MR. JOHNSON] Hate to interrupt you,
Barb, but the Neighborhoods app says,
"Black woman in purple
sweater collided with a car
- in front of Abbott Elementary."
- [ALL GASP]
- Melissa, you okay?
- Barb, you got hit by a car?
Are you okay? Do we need
to get you to the hospital?
- Yeah.
- [BARBARA] No, no, I'm fine.
While it is true that I was
mowed down by a motor vehicle,
the good Lord protected
me from serious bodily harm.
I mean, could an injured person do this?
[VOCALIZING]
Oh, yes, a car and I made
unplanned contact this morning.
Now, normally there are
two sides to every story,
but in this case there
are not, so drop it.
- [VOCALIZING]
- [MELISSA] Okay, wait, wait
- Did you exchange information?
- How did this happen?
- Do we need to call the police?
- [BARBARA] None of that matters.
What really matters is
none of this would have happened
if-if we had that crossing
guard back on the corner.
Yeah, what happened to that
crossing guard, by the way?
Same as all the rest of 'em.
Crossed to the other side.
Barbara, as assistant principal,
I think that crossing
guard is an excellent idea
and our office will get right on it.
Uh, no, it will not.
Somebody else can do it.
51st District Board of School
Commissioners liaison representative
at your service.
Barbara, I'm excited
to work with you on this.
Oh, okay, so if we're all
done being run over by cars,
remember to finish your room tonight.
I know some of you use the first day
so that the kids will do it for you,
but the district's been getting on us
about child labor practices again,
so stay as long as you need.
Uh, nope, we get paid for an
eight-hour development day.
One minute past that, and
the union will demand overtime.
What?
- I am a union representative now.
- Ah!
This [BLEEP] sucks.
Yeah, and you can't curse at us.
- I hate unions.
- Okay, great meeting, everybody.
I was really pissed after what
the district pulled in Miami,
and then I remembered
the Teachers Union.
So I went to a few meetings,
quickly became a rep.
Call me Jimmy Hoffa.
Hey. So I've been thinking
about this crossing guard situation.
Well, stop.
That's a little traffic humor
for your obsessed ass.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Hey, Ava, my classroom that
you gave to Ms. Hardaway,
I'd like that to be mine again now.
[SIGHS] Perfect example.
Watch this, Gregory.
Melissa, handle it on your own.
Great.
No I'm genuinely concerned what
"handle it on your own"
means to that woman.
We're administrators.
Our energy is best spent
focusing on the bigger picture,
like cooling this place down.
I'm working on getting
portable AC units.
Okay, well, I would
love to help with that.
Perfect, because I'll need you.
To get my coffee, so I have the energy
to put a bow on Project Sweeney Todd.
What?
Later today, Superintendent
Collins's barbershop will be swatted,
forcing him to miss his
weekly shape and shave,
something he hasn't done in decades.
And that's when he'll notice
a flyer for another shop.
One owned by my father,
who so desperately wants
to get back in my life.
And then, when the superintendent
is leaned back over the bowl
with a razor to his neck, I'll
appear and ask for the ACs.
Or we could just call him.
Oh.
You think you could do
this job better than me, huh?
Somebody decides to propose to
Strawberry Shortcake's Black friend,
- and now he thinks he can do everything.
- Hey, hey! Shh! Who
How the hell did you know
I was proposing to Janine?
Gregory, did you think when
you were talking to O'Shon
you were talking to your man?
[CHUCKLES] 'Cause he's not.
He's my man.
And we don't keep
secrets. Secrets keep us.
Okay, I have mapped out
the crosswalk in question
where the crime of
the century took place.
Let's go over the
accident and figure out
where to place our new crossing guard.
Okay. Well, the driver was
making a right-hand turn
without looking where he was
going, and, uh, mowed me down.
Oh!
Hey, you must be the
new second grade teacher.
I'm Melissa Schemmenti
and you must be Elsa?
It's Ms. Hardaway.
Uh, Ms. Hardaway, I got
a little proposition for you:
your classroom for mine.
'Cause, trust me, you're gonna
want to be on a higher floor
when we get the next
flood at Abbott. [LAUGHS]
Thank you for that
offer, but no, thank you.
I'm not gonna be taking a
bunch of second graders upstairs.
Oh. Yeah, okay, you're not
aware of the hierarchy around here.
See, I'm the union rep.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, yeah, she's a tough cookie.
But I'm a cold glass of milk.
Ugh, I've been on hold
for the district for an hour.
- Do you have any contacts that
- [HISSING]
[ON-HOLD MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH PHONE]
- Are those misters?
- [CHUCKLES] Yep.
Took me all morning to
hook 'em up to the water line.
How good is that?
You didn't tell me you
were gonna have misters,
and these vines are
covering the smoke alarms.
- Is that a fire pit?
- Yeah.
I'm not gonna light it.
[SCOFFS] During the day.
I was able to look the
other way as a teacher,
but as assistant
principal, I legally can't.
You've got to take
this stuff out of here.
Uh
Come on, give me special treatment.
- No.
- [AVA SQUEALS]
[CHUCKLES] They're not
taking your call, are they?
[MUSIC STOPS]
Maybe I'll just go down
to the district instead.
- They can't put me on hold in person.
- Well, I'm coming with you.
I don't need you messing
up my Sweeney plan.
A fire pit? S'mores when we get back?
- Yes.
- No.
Ooh!
Janine, what in the world are you doing?
Well, I am giving my
classroom the ultimate makeover.
All the cool teachers are doing it.
Barb, you haven't seen
this on your phone?
I have not, but have you
heard this song on your phone?
I am a strong, Black
Incredible, sensational woman ♪
Barb Barb, Barb, Barb.
That song is AI.
Yes, it is. Absolutely incredible.
Anyway, decorating a
room should be easy.
I just get my Lakeshore
rug and call it a day.
[MELISSA] Yeah, I
mean, this ain't TikTok.
We're just Philly public school
teachers trying to get through the day.
This all feels just a
little unnecessary. No?
Can I help you two?
I'm just down here trying to get my
classroom back from Ms. Hardaway,
who's gonna learn the
Hardaway not to mess with me.
Barb, Barb, uh, we have a
volunteer ready to interview.
Huh! Looks good.
You're gonna have to
remove the dinosaurs.
It's historically inaccurate.
Doesn't make any sense.
It's gonna mess them
up before they get to me.
Barbara, uh, shall we?
Hey, girl, how's your mom?
Okay, Glasses?
[CHUCKLES]
Now, why didn't I see
you in church last week?
Just kidding, 'cause I didn't go.
[LAUGHS]
No one here likes you.
Ava, I'm gonna have to write you up.
For killing it in that dress.
You look great. [LAUGHS]
Oh.
Still busy slobbing down your coworkers?
Hmm. He's assistant principal now.
Oh, so not coworkers.
That's a power imbalance, right?
I'll set an appointment. Da-da-da-da!
Hi, uh, we're here to see
Superintendent Collins.
He's very busy.
Okay, well, we'll just wait then.
See, this is what superintendents do.
Let's go. My dad told me he
needs some sharper razors.
I think we might have a chance.
Ugh! You sound like
a loser on prom night.
No one's coming to surprise you,
Gregory. Take your little suit off.
So, Abdul, where do you
see yourself in five years?
Depends. If my cousin and my
business idea work out, then I
Abdul, can you hold a stop sign?
- Of course.
- Great. That ought to do it.
Hold on, now, hold on. Um
- Actually, yeah, that ought to do it.
- Mmm.
- Any questions for us?
- Yeah.
How much discretion do I have?
Like, should I bust out my
good friend Sarah McGlocklan
- if someone drives too fast, or
- [CHUCKLES] Well, that
- That's very clever, but no, no.
- No.
Okay.
Can you assure us that if someone
were looking down at their phone
while crossing the street,
that they would not get
hit by a motorized vehicle?
- Easy.
- Down at their phone?
Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES]
- Abdul, congratulations, you're hired.
- Yes!
- Uh, hello.
- Hey, how you doing?
What are you doing in here?
What are you doing in here?
This is my classroom.
Uh, Ms. Hardaway, girl, are you okay?
You gave me this
classroom back, don't you
Listen, I know.
Memory lapses are a common
side effect of perimenopause.
- It's nothing to be ashamed of.
- Hey!
I didn't give you this classroom.
- [SCOFFS]
- Mm-mmm.
And my memory is pristine.
And my periods are so regular
that my doctor basically begged
me to become a surrogate for hire.
So that is my chair.
You're gonna regret this.
Extortion doesn't work
without a little information.
I got nothing on this broad.
Important announcement. Y'all
out of ink. Give it up, Gregory.
There's one way, and one way only,
to get the superintendent's
undivided attention.
You know what? I'ma just knock.
Like, it's harder to say
no to people in person.
Uh, not true. I say no to
everybody all the time, and I enjoy it.
Actually, he's not in there.
[GREGORY] Then where is he?
He's at the golf course. I thought
you guys would have left by now.
[AVA CHUCKLES] See?
- Well, I guess it's tee time.
- Tea time?
Okay, well, Dia has a surgery.
- She says it's elective, but I don't
- Just come on.
[SIGHS]
[JANINE] The classroom is coming along.
Um, it's been a lot of work.
Those TikTok teachers really
made it look easy. [CHUCKLES]
Not everyone gets it,
but it's not for the adults.
It's for the kids, who will treasure it.
[EXHALES]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Mmm.
- Sorry. Mrs. Lyons?
- [CHUCKLES] Yes, Ms. Teagues.
- Hi, it's so nice to meet you.
- Yes. Nice to meet you.
So I brought all the information
regarding Georgia's
allergy restrictions.
Yes. Thank you. Fantastic.
I will definitely look these over later.
- I promise, um, yeah.
- Okay.
Working on the classroom.
- Oh! Yeah, wow, this is so nice.
- Thank you.
But just a warning, Georgia
is a little Tasmanian devil.
I don't know if all of this
will last more than a day.
[CHUCKLES] Kids just yank stuff down.
Yeah. [SIGHS] It'll be fun, though.
Um It has been a lot of work.
- I'm, like, exhausted.
- Oh. Well, don't stress yourself.
I heard you're an excellent teacher,
so you just teaching
these kids will be enough.
Oh.
Do you need help?
- No, I got it. Thanks.
- Okay.
- I'll see you soon.
- Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
- You, hold it. Right.
- [JACOB] Yeah.
There you are.
Can we help you?
This morning, that lady
cracked my headlight.
You're the maniac
motorist? Citizen's arrest!
- Abdul, let's hear Sarah McLachlan sing
- I've been waiting my whole life.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Sir, maybe we can go somewhere
and talk about what happened.
What is there to talk about?
You were watching your
phone, not paying attention.
I rolled down my window
to get her to pay attention.
What did you do? You kept
walking, bashed into my car.
- Oh. Is this true?
- Of course not.
[ABDUL] Oh, snap, someone
uploaded the video on Neighborhoods.
- [BARBARA SQUEALS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [MAN] Oh, damn!
- [HORN HONKING]
[BARBARA] Ooh, okay.
I lied.
I just didn't wanna start
this year off on a foolish foot,
especially not in front
of all the other teachers.
Well, as a man humiliated before
his peers on the daily, I understand.
- Thank you.
- Damn, you smashed into his car!
Oh. I wanna see.
- [THUD]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
Oh, my God.
Whoa! Oh!
Help, help! Is anybody out there?
- Ah! Oh, Mr. Johnson.
- What are you doing?
And why did you knock
over the trash can?
I I'm trying to take
down my classroom decor.
- Why? This is incredible.
- Yeah, but it's just
[STAMMERS] It's just taking a
lot of effort, and it's really silly.
Taxes are silly.
This is beautiful. I can feel
my mind expanding already.
Thanks.
If I had a classroom
like this growing up,
I could have probably been president.
Or better yet, the
highest-paid janitor in the world.
[CHUCKLES]
The kids are never gonna forget this.
- Catch you later.
- Bye.
No, wait, wait, Mr. Johnson!
Hold that thought,
Judd. Let me just, uh
Working hard, you silly son of a
- Ava.
- I was gonna say bitch.
We were at your office. I tried
to call but couldn't get through.
Your secretary told
us that you were here.
So are you here embezzling or cheating?
It's always one or the
other with you suits.
What? No. This is Judd Allen.
He develops vacant
properties in Philadelphia.
This is actually a meeting to discuss
how to replace two
schools that shut down.
Uh That's cute.
Look, we're sorry for interrupting,
but we just need ten
new portable AC units.
The old ones that we had are broken,
and it doesn't seem
like an emergency, but
It is one because it's
just way too hot out here.
And we would have gotten
them on our own, but It's
No, no, no, going through the
district is definitely the right call.
Way to show initiative, Mr. Eddie.
Now, we'll get that done for you.
Do you mind if I get back to my meeting?
Oh So you're just gonna give us
the ACs because he, what, aksed?
Yeah, it seems like a pretty
straightforward request.
Uh And what if we
had held you hostage,
would you have said yes then?
Uh
I wanna say no to that.
Remember to keep your left
arm straight on the back swing.
- Thanks.
- Any other big things we need to handle?
[PHONE BUZZES]
[COLLINS] Oh, my God,
my barber just got swatted.
Wait, wait, wait, Ms.
Hardaway, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, honesty time, full disclosure,
I tripped and hurt my ankle
real bad like two years ago,
and those stairs are killing me.
Please, for the love of God, have mercy
and let me have my old classroom back.
Not my ankle, not my
stairs, not my problem.
Were you looking at Morton?
Morton? Is that his name?
You like Morton?
He's very handsome.
[CHUCKLES] What in
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, I get it.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what?
His classroom is right
across from mine upstairs,
and he walks by all the time.
[HUMMING]
- Whoo!
- We have air.
- Yes!
- Once we get the hose and everything
Yeah. You did it. Take
a bow, take a bow.
Is Gregory really
better at this than I am?
Damn.
Is it too late for me to join the WNBA?
I don't hoop, but my tunnel
fits would break the Internet.
Hey, don't don't look at
the other cars. Look at me.
I'll tell you when to go.
All right, now go.
One thing I'ma do is protect these kids!
Hey, stop, stop.
You stop when you see
this strong, Black, incredible,
sensational woman on her phone!
How you doing, Mrs. Howard?
I like that color on you.
- Thank you.
- All right. Kids, watch me.
Barbara, didn't you learn anything?
For Pete's sake, at least look up.
Don't have to. Crossing guard.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Well,
where's that new teacher you hired?
I don't know.
He said he would have
to miss Development Day,
but that he'd be here today. He
He emailed me.
[AVA] Let me see that.
[CHUCKLES]
What?
That's ChatGPT.
- [LAUGHING]
- No, no, this is a real person.
I interviewed them on Zoom, and
I recorded the interview for safety.
Yeah, see?
Well, first of all, look
at that head shape.
Who got a head shape like that?
Um Whatever.
The plant just moved! Look
at that warped background.
Look how he's pausing so the
computer can figure out what you said.
Ugh! You interviewed a deepfake!
[LAUGHS]
What would anybody gain by doing this?
Welcome to 2026, Gregory.
You're old, dumb and swagless.
O-Okay, um, I'll just teach the
class until we get somebody else.
Perfect. Have a great
first day, assistant principal.
[AVA LAUGHS]
They said I was washed,
that my reign was over,
that I'll never make it back to the
top of the charts, but guess what?
Abbott don't Elementary without me.
It's gonna be the best year yet.
Welcome in, class.
Wow, it's a jungle in here.
It is.
This is the coolest thing ever.
[KID] Oh, wow.
Yes. Go ahead, sorry.
It's good.
All right, guys, do
me a favor, find a seat.
Welcome to second
grade. How are we doing?
[ALL GASPING, MURMURING]
It's okay.
Anything can happen
in the jungle, right, guys?
Go ahead, find a friend,
get a seat. Let's get started.