Abbott Elementary (2021) s06e02 Episode Script

1
I'm Cassius. Nathan's twin.
Might that be enough General Hospital
for the day?
How about the news?
Muting it would also be an option.
Who has the remote?
[MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
Yeah, Mr. Johnson,
have you seen the remote?
Have I seen it? Yeah, nice remote.
[AVA] I couldn't find it this morning.
Somebody hit my car
chase group chat, and
I couldn't even switch
to live coverage.
Aren't there buttons on the TV?
- Eh! You're aging yourself, Barb.
- They got rid of the buttons.
Okay, everybody, just Shh!
Please, I'm trying
to watch my stories.
Jacob won't let me do it at home.
Damn right.
Who still watches soap operas?
People with taste, like me.
Soaps have got everything, man.
They got plots and schemes
and five new episodes a week.
These are the hardest-working actors
in show business.
They're like the teachers of Hollywood.
I don't know about all that.
What's crazy is,
this literally happened to my aunt.
Her son, fake Nathan,
revealed that he's
actually Nathan's
identical twin brother,
Cassius, who she didn't
even know was alive?
- Different names, but yeah.
- [DOOR OPENS]
They should let me on this.
Ooh, what are we watching?
[ALL] Shh!
Oh, my God.
Are you guys seriously sitting here
watching soap operas?
Wow, you're elementary school teachers.
You should know better
than to be watching this cr
So where's real Nathan?
And who plays him?
- [ALL] Same actor.
- Wow.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
Okay, corner office.
- It's not bad, right?
- Yeah.
- I'll be right out.
- Okay.
I have two roles this year, so
figured I might as well have two desks,
one for teacher me
and one for assistant principal me.
I'm holding check-ins
with the teachers all week,
and I'm already ahead of schedule.
I checked in with myself,
and it's going great.
Oh, hey, Courtney.
What are you doing here so late?
- Podcast Club.
- You joined? That's great.
Aw!
Wait, Podcast Club
went really late today.
Well, you know, Mr. C talks a lot.
I know that's right, girlfriend.
[CHUCKLES]
Cool. Um, how was Mr. Hill's lesson
on ethical editorializing?
- Enlightening. Bye.
- Oh.
Good talk, Court.
Good morning,
my bright and beautiful students.
- Hi.
- [BARBARA] Hello.
This year,
I have a new student named Justin.
Oh, he's a very good listener.
He loves superheroes,
and he happens to have alopecia areata.
It is an autoimmune condition that
can cause partial
or total loss of hair.
All right, class, when we have
a question, what do we do?
That's right, we raise our hand.
Yes, young man, what's your question?
Why doesn't he have any hair?
His parents have asked
that I not bring it up to the class.
They know the situation best,
so I will follow their lead
and hope the students follow mine.
- [JACOB] Hey, Melissa.
- Hey.
Does this mean anything to you?
Uh, paper towel? No.
No, no. It's what's
It's what's in the paper towel.
- Okay.
- Um
It's gum.
The kids have been chewing nonstop
during my class.
I asked them who's
allowing them to put
gum in their mouths
in the first place,
and what do you know?
It's none other than my inconsiderate
roommate and problematic landlord,
Melissa Ann Caterina Schemmenti.
It's a huge distraction, and they refuse
to throw it away post chew.
It's like teaching
a classroom full of cows,
except instead of digesting their cud,
they just stick it under their desk.
It's gross.
Okay, so what do you want 'em to do,
Jacob? Swallow it?
It'll live in their stomach
for seven years.
- I want 'em to throw it away.
- I thought you wanted them to stop.
Well, that too, but they're not
going to honor that request
if they can do it in your classroom.
Look, if it keeps them off their phones
and it keeps them focused,
that's a miracle.
Who am I to stop that?
This sounds messy.
Melissa is disrespecting my classroom.
Oh, boo, never mind.
I'm sure Gregory will love to hear
all about it during your check-in.
Are you
cute or what?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, sometimes I think that the fact
that I don't actually like kids
is one of my biggest strengths.
- Really?
- [AVA] How's it going?
Good.
You sure you don't want me to get a sub?
No, no, no. I got it handled. Trust me.
Okay.
I don't trust him. Gregory could do
all the check-ins he wants.
It's not gonna erase the fact
that he actually hired a AI teacher.
All men handle being proven wrong
the same way.
Stage one, rewrite history.
Stage two, double down.
And my favorite, stage three,
self-destruction.
Mr. Eddie, I'm done reading.
Uh, excuse me, I still have time left.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, okay, good job, Antonio.
Why don't you go
back and read it again
while I finish up with Ms. Hoffman?
Anything worth reading
is worth taking a second pass.
See? I got it.
He's in stage two.
Oh, my God, Janine,
This Abbott Life has
hit a record number
of subscribers. Eight.
- Wow. Watch out, Amy Poehler.
- Yeah.
Man, I knew Courtney would be great
for Podcast Club. Good get.
Courtney's not in Podcast Club.
- She's not?
- Yeah, I've asked her a million times,
and, uh, she says no
in a different language each time.
Once, she hit me with hapana.
It's "no" in Swahili.
Why would she lie to me?
Whoa! Easy, cashew slayer.
I'm trying to refuel
before my next check-in.
[SQUEALS] Can't wait for mine.
I have a very important
issue to discuss.
Do you mind if we handle that right now
and get it out of the way?
My day is pretty jam-packed.
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
Not. As a community leader myself,
I respect the time
of my fellow administrators,
but I will be at your office
at 11:00 on the dot.
- [MELISSA] What's up, Barb?
- [BARBARA SIGHS]
Your brow is never furrowed.
My kindergartners
are starting to ask questions
about their classmate with alopecia.
Well, that's only natural, right?
Now, normally,
I would step in on something like this,
but his parents have asked me not to,
and I don't want this
to get out of control.
These parents have no idea
what it's like in a classroom.
But at least they're asking questions,
right? Not just staring.
Oh, they are staring
- Oh! [SUCKS TEETH]
- and there was a finger point too.
I don't want to single him out.
I just want him to feel comfortable.
Yeah, yeah.
- I got nothing.
- Mmm.
No experience in this area.
Yeah.
But I know someone who does.
When did that get there?
It's new. It's his
first time winning it.
I'm really proud of him.
Mr. Hill said you wanted to see me.
Yes, I did.
Why did you lie to me
about being in Podcast Club?
I don't have to tell you anything.
You're not my teacher.
That's harsh and true,
but as a steward of this school,
I care about all students.
Ms. Teagues, Davon
keeps calling me musty.
I think you should care about that.
No Courtney.
I don't know why I lied, okay?
I had a lot of homework
and didn't realize how late it was.
That's it. Can I go to class now?
Yeah, you can.
Davon, what did I say
about using the M-word?
I said don't. It's not nice.
My approach has never really
jelled with Courtney, but small win,
she owned up to her lie
and is now safe in class.
[BELL RINGS]
And if you'll excuse me,
I am off to go find some air fresheners.
Second graders are very M-word.
Courtney?
[YELLS] Wha Courtney! Courtney!
Courtney, where are you going?
Courtney, come back to school! Court
She can't hear me.
[SIGHS]
Do you mind if we wrap this up?
I only have lunch and
PE without my class
and I'm pulling all kinds of favors.
These are the first check-ins
we've ever had at Abbott.
I'm using my full ten minutes.
Now, about my paycheck
- [JANINE] Gregory, we have a situation.
- One second.
I don't have a second.
Can you give me special treatment?
Special treatment? Uh-uh.
She gonna just skip the line?
- I'm bringing this up in my check-in.
- Oh, no, no
Guys, he's not gonna give me
special treatment.
- No, no, no.
- Unless
No?
Okay, all right, it's totally fine.
I'm gonna go find Ava.
- Talk later? Okay.
- Okay, bye.
Okay, Terry, what were we saying?
Hey, Ava,
can I talk to you about something?
No, check-ins are with Gregory.
Oh, he's swamped.
Anyway, I just saw Courtney leave school
and she was wandering the hallways
late the other evening.
I think something might
be going on with her.
First of all, tattletale.
Second, that's bad
- and not like her at all.
- Right?
I'll talk to her homeroom teacher
and call her parents.
Great, thank you. I appreciate it.
Prove it by Cash Apping me.
I've already sent the request.
[SIGHS] How much?
You'll see.
And finally, any goals for this year
that the school can help support?
Look at you. I could cry.
[SOBBING] And I will.
I know you see that line of people
behind you. What are your goals?
My goal is to get Melissa fired.
No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding,
but I would like her to knock it off
with the gum chewing. It
Whoa, excuse me, not so fast.
Listen, you chooch,
my classroom, my rules.
Well, this is my classroom
and everybody's just doi
It's loud, it's unsanitary,
and at the risk of sounding crude,
- it's tacky.
- [MELISSA] Tacky?
Would a tacky woman have a Capodimonte
water feature installed
in her bedroom?
People are waiting.
My kids will be back soon,
all hopped up on PE.
- If we could just
- [JACOB] Melissa's got an idea.
Give them all a bunch of gum,
right, Melissa?
- Yeah.
- Time's up.
Okay, fine.
I will be back for my check-in later.
Excuse me.
Mr. Johnson, I have
a delicate matter that
I would like to have your thoughts on.
Finally.
How's my boy Justin?
How do you know his name?
Our struggles may be different,
but I clock every bald person
who walks through those doors.
His parents want to protect him,
and so do I.
But ignoring his classmates,
I'm not sure that's the way to do that.
It's not.
When I lost all my
hair, I had no one to
show me the way, no one to look up to.
You see, pressure makes pearls,
and pearls are beautiful
and famously bald.
That's why I became
a champion free diver.
Best thing you can do for that boy
is get him some flippers
and get his classmates some goggles.
Mr. Johnson, this has been very helpful,
not in the way you think.
Or exactly in the way I think.
No.
Then every morning
at the breakfast table,
Jacob's journaling,
so loud you would not believe it.
Journaling is supposed
to be internal, right?
[CHUCKLING] Nah, not the way he does it.
Melissa, anything school-related?
Well, you said no more gum talk, so
Not so fast.
She's assassinating
my character, isn't she?
- Oh, come on.
- Jacob, you already had your check-in.
That Melissa interrupted.
You know what? I think I figured
this out. Both of you need to leave.
- What about him trying to boss
- Aren't you gonna discipline
Leave my office now.
It's a classroom, Gregory.
Wake up.
Oh, hey, Ava, any news?
I was using my VIP entrance
to avoid this interaction, but fine.
Dia found Courtney hanging around
outside. She's in my office now.
Oh, okay.
Did you reach out to her parents?
Yeah, turns out they're divorcing.
Super messy. I would've loved
to have gotten both sides,
but I didn't want to
pry, and she hung up.
Well, uh, wait, sorry.
So are you going to, like, talk to
her about her family issues or
No. I hated when people did that to me
when I was growing up.
What's there to say?
Exactly.
People get together, babies are
born, couples split
up, hard-knock life.
Courtney's smart,
she doesn't need me to tell her that.
She needs me to remind her
what's at stake.
- Hey, Dia, how you doing?
- Well, my surgery went
That's great.
Could you just, for one second, shh?
I'm sorry, just quiet.
Skipping class has never helped anyone.
Eighth grade is not the time
to lose focus.
You're Abbott's shining star, but
that comes with a lot of expectations,
and we're here to help you exceed them.
I know you can do it.
You know you can do it, so do it.
Focus on the things you can control.
That will get you through anything.
All right [SIGHS]
get back to class.
[SIGHS] Okay. I'm sorry, Dia.
What was it about your surgery?
No, don't act like you care now.
- Plus, it sustains
- What was that?
Yo, Mr. Eddie.
Your students have moves, bro.
They just taught me this dance.
- and it smells like
- Not now.
Guys, just hang tight and take a seat.
Thank you. Thanks, Caleb.
Um, you were saying something
about your your free periods, right.
- Yes, so
- Excuse me. Thank you.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- You can't cut.
- Ooh! I'm Barbara Howard.
- I'll be right with you, Barbara.
I'm so tired of you
and your little clique.
Y'all think y'all run this school,
but you don't! Man, I'm pissed.
Barbara, did you happen
to schedule an appointment?
Because there's a whole line of people
behind you.
- This can't wait, Gregory.
- Okay.
The school is all out of tape.
Do you have any?
- Are you serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.
I don't right What happened?
I got my head stuck in a chair.
I got sent to Principal Coleman,
but she sent me to you.
- Okay, all right, well, just take a seat.
- I can't.
Not on that one.
Take a seat on another chair.
Find something else,
and we'll handle it later.
- Hey, Gregory.
- No, no. I
[KIDS CHATTERING]
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
[AVA] Stage three, self-destruction.
Right on time.
I should write a book on this.
I did.
What To Expect When Proving Men Wrong.
Buy anywhere ebooks are sold.
This is the only physical copy.
Good afternoon, Ava.
How can I help you?
- Well, I tried, but I can't do both jobs.
- Do both jobs.
- I know.
- Then why didn't you say anything?
If I had said something,
would you have listened?
No.
I want to do this
assistant principal thing right,
and I can't do that
if I'm still teaching.
I pulled a list of subs
that you can go through
until we can hire someone full-time.
Threw a couple of AI options in the
mix to see if you learned your lesson.
Thank you.
Welcome to the big leagues,
Assistant Principal Gregory Eddie.
No.
Whoa, hey, where'd you get the tape?
I thought we were out.
Mr. Johnson has some.
Uh, may I ask what it is you're doing?
Well, Janine, I'm crossing a boundary.
- Oh! This early in the year?
- Well, I tried not to,
but I've been doing
this long enough to
know when I need
to follow my instincts.
I have a student that needs reassurance.
Hmm.
Well
What if it wasn't your student,
but you still thought you could help?
Instincts.
- Thanks, Barb.
- Mm-hmm.
But seriously,
what the hell are you doing?
Someone parked in my spot again.
Jesus, this neighborhood!
Yeah, this neighborhood wasn't
a problem for you when you moved in.
- [SIGHS] Spaghetti again?
- Yeah, I had a hard day.
I wanted a little comfort food.
Is that all right with you?
I'm just saying I had a hard day too.
Jeez, you can't say
anything around here.
Here we go again. First it's the gum.
Now it's my cooking.
You know, I don't charge extra for this.
This food's included.
Is it so much to ask for
a little variation at dinner time?
- Well, then you cook it.
- I like spaghetti.
- Thank you.
- Go to my room!
Hey, don't talk to him like that!
This is my house that I rent.
I can do what
Is there another man here?
Yeah, Chief Rob!
Oh, right. Duh.
What happened to us?
This isn't who we are.
No.
Can you just get the kids
to stop chewing gum in my class?
Yeah, you know, I'll just get them to,
like, throw it out before they leave.
This spaghetti is delicious.
[CHUCKLES]
Some of us have tall hair,
some of us have small hair.
Some of us might have no hair at all,
like Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson.
Yes, sweetheart.
Who's that, Ms. Howard?
Justin, I'm so glad
you asked that question.
This is Christopher Reeve,
and he had alopecia,
but do you know
what we called him in my day?
[ALL] What?
Superman!
- [ALL] Ooh!
- Mm-hmm.
The most important thing
isn't what's on your head,
it's what's in your head, your mind.
[CLAPPING]
Wait. Why isn't my
picture above Jordan's?
I'm S-Tier, Barb.
S-Tier.
Mr. Johnson, I do not know
what that means, but good for you.
Mrs. Howard, why aren't you bald?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Mrs. Howard?
Hey, Courtney.
- Am I in trouble?
- [CHUCKLES] No, no, no, no.
I was thinking of making some
modifications to my jungle classroom
and I just wanted to know
if I could get your feedback.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
There aren't dinosaurs in the jungle.
There are not.
It's not my place
to put any more pressure on Courtney
or to try to fix her family issues.
But I think I could be there for her.
You know, Courtney, believe it or not,
I used to cut class.
Yeah, I would go down to the art museum.
[LAUGHS]
So what about you? Did you go
anywhere fun? Or did you go home?
I didn't want to go home.
Um, I went to South Street.
You went clubbing?
[CHUCKLES] No, I
went to Ishkabibble's,
got a cheesesteak, walked around.
Okay, yeah, good food, fresh air.
I get that.
Principal Coleman
already talked to me about it.
I'm not going to cut class anymore.
Good. Good.
And Courtney, look, just so you know,
if you ever need to talk,
my door is always open.
How did that get shut?
I'm sorry, excuse me.
- Always open.
- Always open. [CHUCKLES]
- Have a good day.
- Bye.
[JANINE] I'm breaking through.
And I'm going to take a look
at the dinosaurs.
They seem to be hurting
more than they're helping, so
Oh, hey, I brought
enough for both of us.
Oh, don't worry, Gregory,
we renewed our vows.
Great. I knew you could.
- See why I don't get involved?
- Mm-hmm.
We binged a season of Couples Therapy
and talked it out.
Yeah, those couples think
that being married is tough?
They should try being
roommates and coworkers.
He loves my spaghetti, by the way.
Yeah.
Okay, this is you.
Hey.
So you still down
for happy hour after school?
Yes, please.
I've been looking forward to it.
Good.
- Hey, Ms. Teagues.
- Hey, Courtney.
Are you going to be around
after school today?
- I will be.
- Cool.
Rain check?
Good morning. [GASPS]
Oh!
Seeing that smile
on Justin's little face,
knowing I made a difference,
ooh, that never gets old.
Mm-mmm.
God, I'm good.
And God is good.
All the time.
Amen.
What the hell is my son
learning in your class
that made him think
he should shave his head bald?
I just wanted to be like Mike.
Are you teaching these kids
Chicago Bulls propaganda?
I'm teaching them to respect each
other and embrace their individuality.
- And you, you're looking good, sweetheart.
- Thank you.
[BARBARA] Yes.
You know, perhaps you might consider
placing the clippers out of reach.
Now, that is parental tip
from yours truly, Barbara Howard.
Have a good day. Bye-bye.
- [TV PLAYING]
- So Sonny's been trying to whack Sidwell
since Sidwell put a hit out on Sonny.
And Sonny's adopted son, Michael,
almost died in a penthouse firebomb
he meant for Sonny.
And Sonny almost killed
his other son, Dante.
For being an undercover cop,
but then he realized they were related.
Yeah, they got through all of that.
But when Sonny's grandson, Gio,
returns to the Quartermaine Mansion
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
whose kid is Gio?
That's an interesting question.
- So
- Look what I found.
Someone hid it in the pocket
of the pants I was wearing Monday.
Mr. Johnson, thank you.
You found the remote.
- Now we can finally turn this up.
- [MELISSA] Yeah.
[TV VOLUME INCREASES]
Mmm.
Oh!
sync & corrections awaqeded