Abbott Elementary (2021) s06e03 Episode Script

1
Okay, item 37, uh, the cafeteria staff
is cooking up some
- Boo. Boo.
- new options for, uh, lunches.
Uh, the menu is pretty set,
but they are allowing for one option
to be chosen by the community.
Ribs. End of discussion.
Mm-hmm. Yep. I was thinking something
a little maybe easier for the kids.
What could be easier than ribs?
You don't even need
silverware for that.
- Any other suggestions?
- [TEACHERS MURMUR]
Crab legs.
Say less because I like when my meal
comes with a bib in a bag.
Okay, how-how about something
that's not going to make a huge mess?
- Uh, burgers?
- [JACOB] Okay.
Now we're getting fired up! [CHUCKLES]
- Sliders.
- Yes, yes.
Yes. Slide, sliders, sliding.
Electrically, electronic.
Electric slide.
We're gonna do the
electric slide, y'all. Come on.
[JACOB] No, no, no dancing, okay?
We've got a big agenda here
because we danced all last time.
Okay, you know what? Let's just
["VIVA LA VIDA" PLAYING]
Can't line dance to that. [CHUCKLES]
I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman cavalry choirs ♪
Guys, we really have work to do!
Be my mirror, my sword and shield ♪
My missionaries in a foreign field ♪
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
Think about it. It doesn't even
actually make sense. Okay?
Oh, Ava, Ava, um, the podcasters and I
want to explore acoustics
and reverb today,
so we were hoping to use the gym.
No, step class is in there.
It's the one thing
those girls look forward to.
Besides, the last thing your kids need
is you plus reverb.
Okay.
Very well, to the stairwell!
["FORREAL" PLAYING]
Ay, I don't pop pills, I'm the wave ♪
- What is going on in here?
- [MUSIC STOPS]
I know you're not bootlegging
my choreography, Mr. Johnson.
Cut. Step team asked me
to record their audition tape.
Hate to go Fincher on y'all,
but we're going again.
You're filming for what now?
The Homeroom Showdown.
All-School Dance Contest is having
an open casting call.
If they like our tape, then we compete
to represent West Philly at regionals,
and then if we win regionals,
we get to go to Disneyland.
[TEAM CHEERING]
Disneyland.
Y'all sound goofy. Ah-hyuck! [CHUCKLES]
I know this is step club,
but that's a lot of steps.
- Mr. Jay, what's in it for you?
- [MR. JOHNSON] Haven't you heard?
Hollywood is snapping up all the
young YouTube
directors left and right,
and I'm next in line. Duh.
Let's go for another take, Mr. Jay.
[MR. JOHNSON] Come on, let's do this.
[MUSIC RESUMES]
Wave, wave, wave ♪
I'm not gonna stop them
from making a tape,
but let's be realistic.
This isn't going anywhere. [SCOFFS]
You saw that website, it was legit.
Not a single pop-up.
So, therefore, five-eighths
divided by three-fourths is
Michael, why don't we try using
this pencil, okay? Not the pen.
I think that's better.
Oh, sorry. [CHUCKLES] Go on.
[MELISSA] So that's Ms. Pitman.
She's a special needs teacher
working with my student Michael.
She's real good at her job.
It's very nice and everything to just
I don't love having someone else
in my classroom.
Nothing against her or anything.
I just hate it.
I'm pretty much done with this lesson.
The kids are just going to do
a worksheet from here on out.
So if you've got other classes
you've got to go to
Oh, nope. I've been assigned
to Michael today, so, uh, I'm here.
Yeah, and I know I know you've
got to be certified
to teach special ed,
but you know, I've been teaching
a long time, so
[CHUCKLES] Uh, I-I totally get it.
Um, it's just that you do need
the certification,
but it sounds like you'd be a great
candidate for the class I'm teaching.
A couple of months, you'll get your
classroom back and
you'll make more money.
Continue.
I know it's last-minute, but, um, we
actually have a few spots left, so
- Not anymore, you don't.
- Oh.
I know you're new, but around
these parts, I pick up the trash.
My job, janitor, your job, teacher.
I got something to tell you.
Some things you should know.
Is that the new sub getting
Mr. Johnson's classic trash lecture?
Yep, that's Natalie.
[CHUCKLES] I remember
when he first gave me that talk.
I cried for a week.
I stopped by the class earlier.
The kids seem to like her.
- Mmm.
- Hopefully this one sticks.
Yeah, I'm very tired
of meeting new people.
By the time I finish the friendship
bracelets, they're already gone.
I don't know. I feel like if Mr. Jay
keeps it up with the trash talk,
we're going to lose her.
You know what?
Let's skip the initiation phase
and bring her right
into the inner circle.
I can't be that fast, but yes,
let's do that. It's a good plan.
Oh, here she comes. Everybody smile.
- Oh, okay.
- [GREGORY CLEARS THROAT]
[JACOB] Hey, Natalie.
How's subbing going?
Kids giving you a hard
time for being new?
Heavens no. [CHUCKLES]
They've been nothing short of angelic.
Besides, I used to get a little rowdy
to subs back in school,
so who am I to throw the first stone,
you know?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Yeah.
Hey, I don't know what you're
up to later, but the three of us,
we're going to go to Bone Town
after school.
You know, get some dinner,
if you want to join.
Oh, my gosh. I'd love to.
I have to meet my sisters,
but I can come after.
- Absolutely. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'll see you there.
- Okay.
[JANINE] Yes, yes.
Hey, Barb. Barb, Barb, Barb,
what do your evenings look like
for the next, say, six months?
- I'm not certain.
- Great, clear your schedule.
Because Ms. Pitman just told me
that she's teaching a course
in special ed certification,
and it's basically
stuff we already know.
So we would just get to hang out
and make some extra dough.
Yeah, six months
sounds like a long time.
It's 2,000 bucks.
2,000 bucks will go a long way
on a cruise.
- Mm-hmm.
- And it's stuff we already know?
Yeah, it'd be like a walk in the park,
all the way to the bank.
- All right, I'm in.
- Yes.
- For the kids, of course.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- For the kids.
- Mm-hmm.
Of course.
[KIDS LAUGHING]
We got in, Principal Coleman!
We made it to the tryouts!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This office is at
capacity for both
people and positivity.
What's up, y'all?
We're going to tryouts.
Follow our journey
straight to the championship.
[AVA] Okay, well, hold on now.
We're trying out
against dozens of other teams.
Now I gotta figure out
transportation, chaperones.
Don't you guys want to skip it
and go to the arcade?
They got Dance Dance Revolution.
It's kind of like stepping,
and you can win a lava lamp.
I'm here to share
the good news. [CHUCKLES]
My film got accepted. They love me.
Step competition today,
Independent Spirit Awards tomorrow.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
It's important to build trust
I'm just excited to be back
in the classroom.
Yeah, me too. It's gonna be fun.
Hello.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh, class started at 4:00.
Yes, but I have a standing nail
appointment, so you see my dilemma.
Yeah, Laura, this is Barb.
It's okay. She's cool.
- I prefer you call me Ms. Pitman.
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLING] What?
- You're both late.
Yeah, but somebody here
is probably taking notes.
Probably that guy.
Take your seats. Quietly, please.
- Ooh.
- Okay.
Miss Thang.
- It's Ms. Pitman.
- [MELISSA] Oh.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, folks,
chips and guac for the table.
Yay. Oh, I thought we ordered queso,
didn't we?
Again, we don't have queso on the menu.
[JANINE] Mmm.
I can bring you a slice of cheese.
- That would be amazing. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- [JANINE] Yes. Love cheese.
- [GREGORY] Uh-huh.
Hi. [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
- Hey.
- Uh, hi.
- Boo! Early Halloween?
- [JANINE CHUCKLES]
Ah, I have always thought
Halloween should be a week long.
We contain multitudes.
One day is not enough. [CHUCKLES]
- [GREGORY] Right.
- [CHUCKLES]
Nope, no costume.
- So so you're a nun? [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLING]
Oh, Ava didn't tell you?
I'm not a nun. I'm a sister.
You know, I've never been
to Bone Town before. [CHUCKLES]
So as you may recall,
I have been known
to partake in marijuana after school
and, as you may also know,
it is after school.
So I am high.
Please don't tell her, though.
She'll tell God.
Sorry, I was running late
from Bible study,
and I didn't have
time to do my hair. I
didn't mean to catch
you all off guard.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
none of us We don't
- Yeah. Yeah.
- We don't judge. No.
We just leave that
to the big man upstairs.
- [JANINE] Yeah.
- [NATALIE] Well, that's good to hear
'cause people usually do treat me
differently when they find out.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
What is wrong with people?
Jesus. I mean Oh, my God.
Oh! Holy hell, Jacob.
Jacob, Jacob, stop talking.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[CLICKS TONGUE] Janine, say something.
- Peace be with you.
- [GREGORY] Mmm.
- [JANINE] Right?
- [GREGORY] Mmm.
All right, drinks are ready.
- Who had the Sex On The Beach?
- [GREGORY] Mmm.
[WHISPERING] Oh. Yeah.
- [WAITER] And Porn Star Martini.
- That'd be me. [CHUCKLING]
- Thanks. Yeah.
- And you ordered
Nothing.
- You did.
- [GREGORY] Mm-mmm.
- You ordered the two Buttery Nipples.
- [JANINE] Mm-hmm.
[SMACKS LIPS]
- [WAITER] You did.
- [JANINE] Yeah.
- Thank you.
- [WAITER] Enjoy.
I am so sorry.
The drinks at Bone Town are all really
sacrilegious, and we should do better.
You guys, it's cool.
Relax, really, just treat me
like you would anyone else.
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING] You've never been Bone Town.
That's such a good
joke because of course
you haven't because
you're not allowed to.
But that's okay.
Thank you.
Can you believe
we've been assigned homework?
I know, right? Seems like a waste of
time. Let me just copy your worksheet.
Eyes on your own paper, Melissa.
It just says, "I heart Gerald."
[BARBARA] Because I do.
Oh, look at this.
They are recommending
sensory headphones
to ease moments of overstimulation.
That's weird. I never heard of that.
Like, that would make it harder
to listen in class, right?
You know, they've got a few of those
over in admin if you ever need
Jacob, we're trying to study.
- [BARBARA] Mmm.
- [JACOB MUTTERS]
Oh, hey, did you guys tell everyone
about last night?
About how the three of us took a nun
to Bone Town?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You did what now?
Thanks for the invite.
What she means is
we took the new sub to Bone Town,
and by "sub" we mean
the new substitute,
and by "Bone Town"
we mean the restaurant.
- Yeah, it turns out she's a Catholic nun.
- [BARBARA GASPS]
Yeah, and it was really funny to me at
the time, but now it's just unnerving.
You know, I was almost a nun.
- [TEACHERS CHUCKLING]
- [MR. JOHNSON] Yeah, right.
Why does everybody always
I could have done it.
Well, I for one think
it's wonderful that
we have another woman
of God amongst us.
Who's the other one?
[GREGORY]
Well, technically she's a sister,
but I got to say I
admire the simplicity
and discipline of the lifestyle.
Yeah, now I went to Catholic school
and it was hell, okay?
We didn't have a single recess
in third grade
because Sister Mary Teresa told us
that we broke a commandment,
but wouldn't say which one.
I mean, there's ten of them!
[STAMMERS] Either she goes or I do.
- [JANINE] We'll figure it out, buddy.
- [GREGORY] Okay. Yeah.
- [SIGHS]
- Take a deep breath. You're okay.
Checking in for Abbott Elementary.
Terrific.
Your audition slot's in about an hour.
You can check the website for results
in a couple of days.
Feel free to warm up
wherever you can find space,
and there's a water bottle
filling station around the corner.
And where do we get the water bottles?
[CHUCKLES] The teams bring their own,
of course.
Or, wait, you were joking,
weren't you? [LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
I'm so bad at jokes.
["SWEET LIKE HONEY" PLAYING]
That's Chester Preparatory.
West Philly champs, three years running.
[SIGHS] Well, this should be quick.
At least we don't have to waste time
filling any water bottles.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Melissa,
did you say you bought dinner?
- [MELISSA] You know it.
- [BARBARA] Oh.
Might I interest you
[BRITISH ACCENT] in a cobb salad?
[BARBARA, BRITISH ACCENT]
Well, you most certainly may.
- Oh, and did you happen to bring
- Don't insult me.
- [BARBARA] Ooh.
- Okay, just say when.
Ooh.
[GRINDER SQUEAKING, RATTLING]
Mmm. Mmm. When.
Okay, not only is that
way too much pepper [SCOFFS]
I'm going to have to separate you two.
You stay there.
You sit over here.
- [MOUTHING] Me?
- Yeah, come on.
A-pepper police.
[COUGHS, SNIFFLES]
Sorry, it was it was the-the pepper.
I think we just watch Sister Act 2
tonight and get it out of our systems.
Okay, honestly, I prefer the first one,
but
I can't believe we're dating sometimes.
- Well, believe it.
- Mmm.
- Hi, you two.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry, um
- Oh, God.
Janine had an eyelash
that fell into her mouth.
Mm-hmm. He was getting it out.
So just sitting in the car
with the engine off, Natalie?
Oh, I was just wrapping up with
Saint Christopher on the holy hotline.
- You can call him?
- Praying for a traveling grace.
- Praying, praying.
- Yeah, okay, yeah.
Don't worry, I included you lovebirds.
- [CHUCKLES] Thanks.
- [CHUCKLES]
It is so wonderful that you carpool.
Yes, yeah, of course we carpool
because we live separately
in our very separate homes,
for we're not married,
we are just [LAUGHING]
Have a great evening.
- [JANINE] Bye!
- [GREGORY] Bye.
[JANINE CHUCKLES]
- Did you hear the way she said that?
- There was a tone.
There was definitely a tone.
- Yeah, she got to go.
- Yeah.
["FORREAL" PLAYING]
Wait, wait, now
I'm going outta state ♪
You ain't where I'm from
So you can't relate ♪
Man, these, man, these bums
Get 'em out my face ♪
Go and get a check,
all you do is hate ♪
Charge it to the game
'Cause I'm here to play ♪
I been going in, I don't need breaks ♪
No, for real ♪
Wave, wave, wave, wave ♪
I don't pop pills, I'm the ♪
Wave, wave, wave, wave, wave ♪
I don't pop pills, I'm the ♪
[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
Principal Coleman, we crushed it.
All right, all right,
everybody calm down.
You all did great,
but sometimes the judges get it wrong,
- so let's just take it step by step.
- That's what they've been doing.
I know, I'm just saying
let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Totally, totally.
Real quick, can I get
dibs on the window seat to Disneyland?
[TEAM LAUGHING]
[AVA] This is gonna be bad.
I know what it's like
to have your dreams crushed.
When I was little, I tried out for
Annie. They told me I was Black.
Should've waited a couple of years.
I've got to do something about this.
And that is why we use alpha commands.
Directions like "sit in your chair" or
"voices at zero" are
clear and concise.
You know what's always worked
in my classroom,
is when I threaten more homework.
Boom, alpha!
Well, we don't want to threaten, okay?
[CHUCKLES] What's direction
without some stakes? I mean
I like to add a touch of warmth
so their little spirits don't bruise.
Oh, please.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Mm-hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Marcus, baby, the good Lord gave
you two ears and one
mouth for a reason.
Please hush.
[MELISSA] Mm-hmm.
Marcus is one of my students.
Yeah, that is not what I'm teaching
in this class.
But I think you could,
which is why I'm telling you.
[MELISSA]
Yeah, we were just trying to help.
I'm just saying your alpha commands
could use a little more bite.
- Oh, oh, great idea.
- [MELISSA] Yeah.
Out of my class, now.
See, that's much better.
Get the hell out of my class.
Uh, that was for us.
Alpha, boom.
Hmm.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
What time do you think
step practice is over today?
Ms. Carol and I have front row tickets
to see the new Street Fighter.
Oh, I canceled practice
for the rest of the week.
Why? Those girls live for step practice.
Because until we get the results,
those girls'll be all giddy
thinking they're going to Disneyland,
and they're not.
If I cancel practice
until after they find out,
then they'll have less time together
to get their hopes up.
Hold on,
did you see the same performance I did?
They killed it.
They were amazing,
I'll be the first one to say it.
But entering a competition against kids
who just stepped off Dance Moms
thinking it'll go our
way is delusional.
They're kids,
a little delusion's not gonna hurt them.
Take it from me, that fairy tale
nonsense can ruin kids like these,
because how many of them are
really gonna get a happily ever after?
I'm just trying to protect them.
Life's gonna hit them with defeat.
It's inevitable,
but who's to say if it's now?
And if it doesn't work out
and they get their hopes crushed,
at least they'll have you
to teach them how to get through it.
It's a win-win even if they lose, lose.
So I guess we can say
I won that conversation.
Can y'all make some noise
for the new lunch menu?
[STUDENTS] Yeah.
I can't hear you.
- [STUDENTS] Yeah!
- [AIR HORN HONKS]
I can't believe they're doing
a whole assembly
just to announce the
school lunch lineup.
Well, how else are they supposed
to get the word out?
[SCOFFS] A lousy email?
This is lunch, Barb, lunch.
Oh, Michael, where are you going?
Don't you want to find out
when Corn Dog Day is?
It's just really bright and loud,
and people keep bumping into me and
Okay, sweetheart,
come on now, just come
on and just stand
right here, next to me.
- There you go.
- Wait a minute, Barb.
[WENDELL] Next up,
we've got chili bowl
[BOTH] Sensory headphones.
I guess Ms. Pitman
isn't the worst teacher after all.
Yeah, yeah, 'cause
when you boil it down,
we're just too good of students
to not keep taking her class.
Role models. That's what we are.
Then coming up on the 9th
We got sliders, y'all!
- [STUDENTS CHEERING]
- [AIR HORN HONKS]
Are you sure this is gonna work?
Are you kidding me?
It's freaking bulletproof.
One look at me in this getup
selling drugs on campus,
you two, like, canoodling.
We're gonna scandalize Little
Miss Sister right out of the school.
Yes, let's show her
what a bunch of untamed
public school educators
really look like, right?
Yes, I know. Here she comes.
- Oh, um
- [GREGORY CLEARS THROAT]
- I can't keep my hands to myself.
- [GRUNTS] And why would you?
Because we don't care about
the rules of the school, or otherwise.
- Mm-mmm. Mm-hmm.
- We like to do the nasty.
- We like to be nasty.
- Yeah.
Hey, Gregory Eddie.
I heard you've been talking trash
about the Pope.
- What the No. What happened to the drugs?
- You said drugs.
- Oh, you need drugs? I got
- Stop.
Please, please stop.
You're all so bad at whatever it is
you're trying to do right now.
I'm already quitting.
- Oh, you are?
- [NATALIE] This happens all the time.
I told you, people get weird
when they find out I'm a sister.
I just thought you guys would be cooler,
but you clearly are not,
which is why I took a job
at a Jesuit school.
They can hang.
Did she just break up with us?
Why do you never stick
to the script of this character?
Because the character
doesn't like rules, Gregory. Huh!
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, now keep that energy up.
That's it.
[MUSIC FADES]
All right, y'all, looking good.
- Looking good? We're looking unstoppable.
- Okay, confidence. I like that spirit.
Just know, no matter what happens,
we've got each other.
Sorry, afraid I got some news.
We got in!
- We're going to regionals!
- [ALL CHEERING]
Wait, wait, wait, bad news.
I forgot to hit record.
Okay, everybody back to one,
we're losing daylight, people.
[ALL CHEERING]
Mr. Johnson was right.
Maybe believing's not so bad. [CHUCKLES]
We're gonna get our ass kicked
at regionals, though.
But you never know. [CHUCKLES]
Dream big. That's what I always say.
Okay, so let's talk support plans.
That was really sweet.
[BOTH SHUSH]
Earlier, I got so inspired by myself
that I decided
to make my own short film
based on my own original idea.
Behold.
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
Action!
Where am I?
What's going on with the lights?
[CLICKING]
[RATTLING]
Who's there?
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[MUSIC ENDS]
Oh, it's just you.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]
[MR. JOHNSON SCREAMING]
[CLATTERING]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
What are you doing?
sync & corrections awaqeded