Abbott Elementary (2021) s06e04 Episode Script

1
I'm just saying, why isn't
there a golden Love Island yet?
I thought you were happily coupled
with Ms. Carroll.
I meant for you, Barb.
You deserve love too.
Oh, hey, look, that must be
the new sub for Mr. Gregory's class.
Oh, he might even be taller
than Ms. Alomar.
- Ooh.
- Imagine that.
Yeah, I guess we should go
introduce ourselves.
- [BARBARA] Yes.
- Hello, new sub.
I'm Melissa.
This is Barb, and this gentleman
I'm a special visitor from London
here to shake up things in the villa.
[NEW SUB] Nice to meet you.
So you're the new sub for Gregory?
[NEW SUB] Yes, I am.
That's my career job.
[CHUCKLES] Okay. W-What's your name?
[NEW SUB] I am Mr. C-Coatman.
Wait a minute.
That's yesterday's newspaper.
- [CHUCKLES] Rahim, Tapril, get outta here.
- [RAHIM, TAPRIL CHUCKLING]
Those two been trying to sneak
into the teachers' lounge for years.
That was clever though.
Anyway, back to golden Love Island,
which would be different
because this time, we show the sex.
Think about it.
["HOLD 'EM" PLAYING]
So you go to Speaker City and pick
up the subwoofers and the fog machine.
Oh, maybe see if they could throw us
some of those strobe lights too.
Yeah, my guys down there would
definitely give me a discount.
I'll get the alcohol and the ring light
because, as you know
[SINGSONGY] Bad bitches need
a photo booth.
Exactly.
I'm throwing the most sexiest, epic
Halloween party Philly has ever seen.
I went all out.
I rented a warehouse.
I hired a DJ. It's gonna be hype, turnt,
and most importantly, exclusive,
just me, O'Shon,
and our many sexy-ass friends.
Hey, man.
Nice Gerald costume.
Thanks. The, uh, hair is a little bit
heavier than I thought it would be,
but I'm getting used to it.
- And you are a IT person.
- I am.
No, I'm saving my costume
for Ava's party tonight.
Oh, it was last-minute.
Uh, Ava thinks it adds to the
exclusivity, but you should come.
Okay, yeah. Maybe I'll stop by later.
Okay.
Um, I'm actually doing
a little ring shopping.
But it shouldn't take too long.
You finally found a spot.
I found a ring that I liked online,
so I set up an appointment.
Plus I'm usually doing Food Driver
on Friday,
so Janine should not suspect a thing.
Bro, I am so happy for you.
- You guys deserve it.
- Thank you.
No matter what Ava says.
[GASPS]
The documentary makes it clear.
Two of his ex-wives are "missing,"
and he wrote a book called
And I'd Do It Again.
Yes, but they found
the eagle's feather in her hair.
- Okay, explain that.
- Wait, wait, wait, hang on.
[JANINE] Uh
How the hell did they wind up
with the couples costume?
Five years ago, these
halls were graced
with the presence
of one Gregory Eddie.
Speed up the story.
I felt an immediate bond,
and I asked if he wanted to do
matching costumes for Halloween.
And I, thinking that I would
never see this person ever again,
said, "Sure, in five years."
So I put a reminder in my phone for
five years, and voilà,
couples costume.
[CHUCKLES]
It's fun.
And I thought you two were the couple.
Okay, look, I'm not
part of it, so I just
decided to be Susie
Carmichael this year.
- A tier-two Rugrat.
- Excuse me.
[SIGHS] You guys are watching this
on break now?
Of course we are.
It's all part of our Halloween plan.
Yeah, Jacob's coming over
and we're gonna binge
true crime documentaries
until we're too scared to fall asleep.
Well, Ava's throwing a party tonight.
O'Shon told me, so maybe I can
meet you guys there after my shift.
Um, yes, please.
That sounds way better. [CHUCKLING]
Sorry, Jacob.
No, I agree. Yeah, I like to party.
- Yeah. Bring that back to me later.
- Yeah.
Ah. [CHUCKLES]
Jessie from Toy Story.
Giddy up.
Never has a character made
abandonment issues look so adorable.
- [MELISSA CHUCKLES]
- And Barb, are you, uh
- A Cheesecake Factory.
- [MELISSA] Yeah!
Jacob, I'll tell you
like I tell the waitress
when she delivers
my lettuce cups: bravo.
- Well, you both look spectacular.
- [MELISSA] Thank you.
- You guys going to Ava's party later?
- What party?
Oh, she's throwing some big thing.
Everyone's invited.
Well, Gerald and I
were just going to go to sleep,
but, Melissa, this might be
the perfect opportunity
to get Gerald and
Chief Robinson together.
- Yes, great idea, Barb.
- [BARBARA] Mm-hmm.
We were trying to find a way
to get our guys to be better friends.
So a Halloween party,
that's a great idea.
- [BARBARA] Yes.
- What did I tell you two?
You got to get out Oh.
You would dress up
as a flasher for Halloween.
I'm Inspector Gadget.
I was a flasher last year.
Oh.
You're telling me that
despite the fact that cell phone data
triangulated him
to the scene of the murder
and two separate eyewitnesses
spotted him covered in blood,
you still don't think he did it?
[DRIVER] Didn't you
ask for a quiet ride?
[STAMMERS] I would never ask for that.
- Janine, what do you think?
- Uh
That's weird.
An eagle can't murder a woman.
No, no, no, no.
I'm checking Gregory's location.
He's just been in the same spot
for a while.
And what's wrong with that?
Well, usually, his dot
never stops moving,
but he's just been sitting there
in Bensalem.
It's the middle of nowhere.
What's he doing all the way up there?
Yeah, I don't know.
And why would Food Driver even
send him all the way up there?
Okay, not to alarm you,
but this does sound exactly
like the Kansas City killer doc
we watched last night.
His dot stayed in the same spot
because he was busy digging graves,
and had surprisingly little
upper body strength.
Unlike Gregory
Wait, what is my point?
He's in a strip mall, but there aren't
any restaurants? [CHUCKLES]
[JACOB GASPS]
[JANINE] Hmm.
Where is he?
Uh, hello?
A-Anybody here?
[BELL DINGS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, h-hi, hello.
- Hello and hi. [CHUCKLES]
- Hi.
Sorry, I was just
I was back there and I was
"eating a salad." [LAUGHS]
Okay. Oh, I I'm the one
who called about the ring.
- Right. Hi.
- Yeah.
- Hi. Mm-hmm.
- The assistant principal.
This is exciting.
I've I've always wanted to meet one.
What's that like?
- It's fine.
- Oh, fascinating. [CHUCKLES]
I would have never guessed that.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Um, so the ring, uh
- Wait, so is today Halloween?
- Yes.
- LeBron James?
- Yes. [CHUCKLES]
- [LAUGHING] I knew it.
Okay. Let me go Let me go in the back
and get that ring.
- Okay.
- It's in a safe.
[GREGORY] Mm-hmm.
[WHISPERING] The combination is
my wedding anniversary.
[LAUGHS]
You know, I'm j
I'm gonna need just a minute
'cause I'm gonna have
to change that combination.
I don't know when your
wedding was, ma'am.
["CREEPIN' ON THE COME UP" PLAYING]
Whoo! This party's popping,
and you look perfect.
Honestly, I think you and Lil' Kim
will go together in real life.
I know, right?
I just gotta get the DJ
my do-not-play list.
If she plays "Thriller,"
I swear she is fired.
People like "Thriller." Many people
know the "Thriller" dance by heart.
I'm telling you, Janine,
we should get to the bottom of this.
It is always the boyfriend,
and Gregory wanted us
to stop watching true-crime docs.
What the hell are y'all doing here?
Oh, Gregory invited us.
Who the hell told Gregory?
[JANINE] Well
Is this a problem? [CHUCKLES]
100% yes.
You came to my grown and sexy party
dressed like a cartoon toddler.
Well, as always,
I can't tell if you're kidding,
but thank you so much for inviting us.
Oh, we can play Cards Against Humanity
over there.
- [JANINE] Thanks.
- Great party.
[BARBARA] It's mighty flashy in here.
Oh, hell no!
- Thank God I'm not prone to seizures.
- [MELISSA] Uh-huh.
I put on socks for a
party in a warehouse.
I guess I can ignore OSHA regulations
for one night.
Hey, Ava, we're gonna need a hitching
post 'cause these dogs are barking.
- What?
- I'm tired. I want to sit down.
I sure hope you play "Thriller."
Who invited these dogs?
You told me distinguished guests only.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, hey.
There you go.
You got Werther's Originals at my party?
Why don't you just cheat?
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but you did say to invite my friends,
so I invited Gregory, and I guess
he invited some other people,
but I think it's fine, babe.
It won't be fine. Look!
They're dancing like they're free
to be themselves.
Yeah, but you'll want
to stay away from rubies
- Okay.
- because it's, like,
a known thing through all of America
that those are for elderly whores.
So that brings us to emeralds,
and a fun factoid about these
By the way,
did you know factoid is longer for fact?
Yes, you mentioned it
when you were going through the opals.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
- Yes. [CHUCKLING]
It's my birthstone. [GASPS]
- May.
- Wow.
- [LAUGHING] Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Next we have diamonds.
- Great.
- Mm-mmm. That's what you want, so
- Mm-hmm.
Wonderful. If you could just
ring that up, I'll be on my way.
Nice. [LAUGHS]
Ring me up. [LAUGHS]
Some big-city humor right there.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Okay, last but not least,
we have the black diamonds.
Now, I don't know
if the lovely lady is
[BRITISH ACCENT]
perhaps a bit Goth.
- Ma'am
- Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES]
We're not Goth.
- [NORMAL VOICE] Oh, okay.
- No. No.
But if I could just
take this one and go
Yeah, of course.
- Yeah. All right.
- You just
You have to look at it
through the loupe first
to make sure it's up to your standards.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah, it's part of it.
- Yeah, part of getting the ring. Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- I can't see it. Oh.
- Yeah.
- Okay. You have to really get close.
- Oh, my God. An ant! [GASPS]
- Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my Lord.
- Nobody move! Nobody move!
- So sorry.
Freeze! Oh, no!
Everybody stay still!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[SIGHS] Okay.
- Okay, we're gonna handle this.
- Okay.
- Abby, you're gonna handle this.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
- Are we good?
- [EXHALES]
- It's all right here. I'm looking at them.
- [SIGHS]
Okay, you can stand.
Okay, now I'm just gonna
I'm gonna have to do inventory to
make sure everything is accounted for.
- Okay, okay.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
This is gonna take a while.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
So I hear you two like basketball.
Oh, look at that. Basketball.
That's a fun shared interest.
- Dominique Wilkins!
- Hakeem Olajuwon!
Scottie Pippen!
Moses Malone.
- Moses.
- Are they speaking in code?
Why aren't they using
any verbs or adjectives?
[ATTENDEE] Nice fan.
Oh, I never leave home without it.
Here, take it.
I've got extra.
They were five for five
at the dollar store.
No, thanks. Bad
bitches never carry fans.
Honey, take the fan.
You don't want to wreck
that beautiful makeup.
It's only a matter of time before
every day is just one long hot flash.
Right? [CHUCKLING]
You know what? Sure.
I am so hot and my feet are killing me.
Oh, honey.
[CHUCKLES] Whoo!
- The fan.
- Thanks.
[LAUGHTER]
What in the world is going on?
Oh, hey!
And who the hell are you?
I'm Elijah. I'm, uh, Jacob's boyfriend.
You must be Barbara.
- [GASPS] What in
- Oh, it's okay, babe.
Oh, I knew she wasn't Barbara.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
Did he respond to your text?
No, and he's still in the same location.
His dot isn't moving.
Well, I don't know what's worse,
the fact that I can't decide between
Saves America Pack
or Climate Catastrophe
or that Gregory is
potentially a murderer?
Oh, Gregory? He definitely is.
- You remember his old apartment?
- You know what? Enough, okay?
I'm gonna call him, okay?
[PHONE BUZZING]
Just one second. Oh.
- Hey, hey, hey. What's up?
- [JANINE] Hey!
How's your shift going?
Um, I-I texted earlier,
but I haven't heard back from you, so
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, um,
I've just been busy,
you know, with food and
driving, you know, Food Driver.
Okay. Well, are you
are you still coming to the party?
Yeah, I'm just finishing up
with the last customer right now.
Hey, Mr. Assistant Principal, I'm
ready for you to check out this pair.
They're all-natural.
- Wh-What's happening?
- Nothing.
Gregory, can you even imagine what
you would do with something that big?
Tell you what, I'd love to find out.
[GREGORY] All right, I love you. Bye.
[DISCONNECT TONE]
Look, if I can just take this ring
right here and go,
that would be great.
Ooh.
I'm so sorry, I forgot
to offer you water.
- It is okay. I don't need it.
- Hmm.
No, no, no. Let me go clean you a cup.
- No, please, no. No, it's okay. I don't
- I'm gonna clean you a cup.
Believe me, you want me
to wash it. [CHUCKLES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
So, is Gregory a murderer?
No, worse.
I-I think he might be cheating.
Oh! I knew it.
All right, look,
here's my relationship advice.
You poke a hole in his car tire.
You'll see
if you're dating a boy or a man.
- Trust me.
- [ATTENDEE] I know that's right.
Well, you wanna know
how I got a good man like Gerald?
- I covered it up!
- [MELISSA CHUCKLES]
Yes, I put away the cheeks
and put on the sundress.
O'Shon, come here!
What's up, baby?
It's an emergency. The vibes are dying.
Really? Should I take my shirt off?
No! Stop objectifying yourself.
Should I take my shirt off?
Maybe. DJ!
- Turn the music up!
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
Pump up the fog machine!
I don't want anybody to see each other!
And you need to double the shots!
- Nobody's ordering shots.
- That's the problem. Put it in the wine.
If you wanna turn the heat up
in this party,
turn the heat up to 90
and pour out all the water.
Trust me.
I know how to party.
Playboy Mansion, Studio 54, Freaknik.
Don't believe me?
Ask your mama.
O'Shon, come on! Get into it.
I don't know what crazy-ass household
you grew up in,
but where I'm from,
we play based on the manual.
- Okay! Shut it down! Shut it down, people.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
All right, strippers.
It's about damn time.
We got a noise complaint
from the church next door.
We're going to have
to shut this party down.
- Hey, guys.
- [JACOB SCREAMS]
- Whoa. What's going on here?
- Police, the murderer is here.
He's right there. Book him.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Officers, thank God.
Arrest these people immediately
for breaking and entering my party.
This is your party?
I know it doesn't look
like much right now, but trust me,
the vibes were immaculate
before these people,
who I don't know and did not invite,
showed up. Lock them up.
Ma'am, this warehouse is zoned for
short-term storage
of goods, not people.
We're shutting it down.
I know you didn't just call me ma'am.
- [OFFICER] Hey, fellas.
- Larry, man.
Haven't seen you
at the hardware store recently.
Don't tell me you've gone TaskRabbit.
[LAUGHS] How the hell are you, man?
[LAUGHING] Chief Rob, Big Dog Howard.
[ALL] Woof, woof.
What are you goofy bastards doing
at a warehouse party?
You know, I was just asking myself
that same question.
Hey, sorry about the music, boys.
We'll make sure to lower the volume.
Yeah, we got a little carried away
with the fog machine.
We don't want to be
breaking any local ordinances.
Yeah, chapter 400 is what keeps
the city together. Am I right?
[ALL LAUGHING]
All right, I'm gonna have
to ask everybody to get down.
- DJ, hit it!
- [ALL CHEERING]
[MUSIC RESUMES]
You two gotta do
something for me though.
- Get those prostates checked, huh?
- [CHUCKLES]
Us men of a certain age,
we need to stay on top of that.
Ah, you got it, brother.
[ALL WOOFING]
Hey, quick question:
Why'd you tell the cops to book me?
The jig is up, Gregory.
We know you're a murderer.
And what could possibly
make you think that?
We've got, like, a ton of evidence.
We were watching your little dot,
and it wasn't moving at all!
And And
Janine, get his ass!
Well, it's also just
that I called you,
and I heard a woman's voice say,
and I remember this word for word,
"Check out these big all-naturals."
Yeah, who was that?
Your-Your paramour or your victim?
Or your mistress.
- Oh, okay. Now I know what paramour means.
- Yeah.
Look, I I'd rather
not say where I was.
Oh, my God! So you
really are a murderer!
No, I'm not. I just
I-I can't say where I was at.
Really, Gregory?
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[POP SONG PLAYING]
[AVA] No belt marks on the walls.
Ain't been one fight.
This party's a flop.
I could blame you, but I'm growing.
Let's blame Janine.
Wait, wait, look.
I see a bunch of grown folks
having a good-ass time.
[AVA] Yeah, but grown without
the "and sexy" just means old.
Where's the sexy? Where's the intrigue?
I think it's over there.
Hold up. Is that [CHUCKLES]
Chrisshon and Brian, yep.
W-We've been trying
to get them together for
Months. I know.
I think they're hitting it off.
I'm gonna tell the DJ
to turn it down a bit.
- All right, babe. Hadouken!
- Oh.
Look at you two.
You really bonded over there.
Yeah, I mean, now that you've saved
the party, you've got to consider
Thank God.
You've got to consider
yourself friends, right?
What are you talking about?
Chief Rob's
one of the closest friends I have.
What? You hardly
ever talk to each other.
You heard us have that full conversation
about basketball earlier.
Yeah, we've been yapping away.
We felt bad you couldn't get a word in.
- Moses Malone, right?
- Moses Malone. Mmm.
And don't get us started talking
about the Eagles. Randall Cunningham.
[ROBINSON] Oh, Cunningham? Come on now!
Come on now.
Girl, let's go get a drink.
- Pinot grigio.
- Mmm. Merlot.
- [MELISSA] Chardonnay.
- Rosé.
All day.
- Come on now.
- Come on now.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Where's Janine?
She went to the bathroom.
You know, where you go to wash
your hands after committing a murder.
Washing your hands in the sink would
leave evidence, so
that wouldn't be smart.
I need you to stop this, okay?
I'm not a murderer.
I'm not a cheater.
I'm proposing to Janine.
Proposing what?
Oh, my God!
Relax. I'm sorry.
I was in Bensalem getting a ring,
but I need you to stop
with this witch hunt
- or else you're going to ruin it.
- Sorry, sorry.
First of all,
yes, I will be your best man.
Although I did tell Janine
that I would be her man of honor.
It's okay. It's okay.
I'll run back and forth.
Second, how could you keep this
from your Arnold?
But I know
I know exactly how to fix this.
- Wait. No, no, no, no!
- Okay. Janine!
No. No, it's fine.
It turns out there is
a reasonably perfect
explanation for what
Gregory was doing.
He's gay.
- What?
- Why do you go to that?
I don't know.
I'm-I'm drunk.
Doesn't it seem
like the wine has notes of tequila?
What's happening?
- [GREGORY] Go sit down.
- Okay.
Janine.
I'm not a murderer.
I'm not a cheater.
I'm not gay,
and I'm not a gay cheating murderer,
but I cannot tell you what I was doing.
But I promise you
it'll all make sense soon.
I just need you to trust me.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
I trust you.
[SIGHS]
Gregory is getting us a puppy!
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
"Guillermo del Toro is a master
of horror, but even he's afraid of"
"Public speaking."
Mr. Johnson,
you can't just write your own answers.
Well, what's the fun in that?
Let me get one of those fans.
["GIDDY UP" PLAYING]
What you cheesin' about?
I just found out that
Gregory's planning
something pretty amazing for us.
Something that's gonna change our lives.
A day I've been dreaming about
since I was a little girl.
Oh, so you found out
about the proposal? [CHUCKLES]
What?
Damn. I've been keeping
the hell out of that secret.
This is Gregory's fault.
He should have ended this.
You know what? You should say no.
You don't wanna be tied
to a procrastinator.
So I'm not getting a puppy,
but
["WHEN I HEAR MUSIC" PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Oh, somebody ought to stop this.
He might hurt himself.
If he pops it one more time, he's not
gonna be able to
lock it back in place.
- Ow! [GROANS]
- [ALL GASPING]
Now he's done it!
- Oh.
- Chief Rob, help!
- Oh!
- [ALL CHEERING, CHUCKLING]
Suckers.
[CROWD CHEERING]
sync & corrections awaqeded