Roseanne s06e16 Episode Script

Is Darlene here yet? You don't see her washing my feet with her hair, do you? God, mom, I really hope you're not gonna be too hard on her.
You know I am more than fair, Becky.
Now, uhCan you think of a punishment That starts with "x"? She lived with her boyfriend 'cause she was in love with him.
Think back to when you were young.
You know, Becky, if you're feeling left out, Mommy has enough anger for all her children.
Excavate garden.
There's a punishment that begins with "x.
" Yard work.
Zoo with D.
J.
I'm done.
What do you think dad's gonna do When he sees her? Oh, Becky, your father is a reasonable man.
I figure he'll sit with her And have a nice long talk.
Of course, she won't listen, What with being dead and all.
I have had it, Roseanne.
I can't keep hiding David at my house.
I mean, it's been, like, a week.
I can't take care of him anymore.
Luckily, those maternal instincts are kicking in In the nick of time.
Have you told Dan about David yet? Yes.
Really? What did he say? Oh.
Oh, you mean the truth? No.
It's starting to get very uncomfortable.
Last night, he thought I tried to seduce him.
Well, it was kind of funny.
I just gave him a hug 'cause he said something sweet, And boom, now he thinks I want him.
That is so funny.
I know.
I mean, who'd want to go to bed With some big old fat lady? I got to go talk to Mark.
Anyway, david's acting really weird now.
He hasn't showered in three days 'cause he's afraid i'll walk in on him.
[Darlene.]
hello.
Well, hello, Darlene! Gosh, it's just so wonderful to have you home, Especially when you're in really, really big trouble.
I'm home.
Now what? Oh, gee, let's see.
It has been so long since I punished you, I wonder if I even remember how.
You're grounded.
There! Yeah, it's just like riding a bike.
You can't ground me.
I don't even live here anymore.
The only reason I came home Is because you said we could talk to dad about David.
You know, he's, like, really unhappy.
David is just fine.
Don't worry about him.
He's just a little shook Because aunt Jackie put the moves on him.
I did not.
Who'd want to sleep with some big old fat lady? David's got to come back here.
If you won't talk to dad, i'll do it.
I don't think this would be the right time With the mood your dad's in.
Let's face it: You need my help.
Ha.
Oh, you are twisted.
Do you think I take joy in punishing my children? Yes, I do.
See, Jackie? You must always let the child Know why they're being punished.
[door slams.]
[Dan.]
damn snow plow blocked the driveway again! Oh, god.
Don't worry.
We won't let you live hooked up to machines.
Did you see that son of-- Hi, dad.
Hey, sport.
Great to see ya.
Yeah, you, too.
What do you say we go get a sundae? Really? Oh, okay.
Great.
Here you go.
Uh, Dan.
What the hell were you doing there? Don't you know what's been going on For the last three months? We don't get to see her very often.
She's still one of our kids.
I know that, but you are being really nice to her Like she's a total stranger.
She's never gonna come home If every time she does it's miserable.
Why not? I do! [theme.]
Come on in, Darlene.
I'll put the game on.
Okay, i'll be there in a sec, daddy.
We went sledding.
Well, it's great that you're home.
Now you can do the dishes.
Oh, wait.
I think there's even a few more.
Dad, mom wants me to do the dishes.
Don't be silly! Come watch the game! Hey, you.
Get over here and do the dishes.
[announcer on tv.]
Takes it all the way along the base line-- What? What is it? Nothing.
It's just Have you been working out lately? Nah.
Well, not in a program.
Well, you're looking pretty buff there, dad.
Ah, quit it.
[tv volume lowers.]
So how's life? Well, school is okay.
Good.
You know, i'm kind of lonely since David left.
I mean, which is really weird 'cause I hated having him there.
Too bad.
I talked to him-- I mean, in Michigan.
H-he's not too happy.
He's really sorry, you know? We're both really sorry that we lied to you.
Well, it's over.
It's time to move on.
Dad, can David move back in the house? No.
You can't let him live with his mom.
I said no, Darlene.
The boy's done enough damage.
And I don't care how horrible his mother is.
He's not an infant! But, dad-- The boy's not coming back to this house, And that's final! Okay.
I need you.
I'm sorry.
What was that? I didn't quite hear what you just said.
Uh I-i'm a horrible, ungrateful daughter.
You're all-powerful and all-knowing, And i'm nothing but dirt at your feet.
Please, oh, please have mercy on me O great one.
Well, I know, David, but I can't sneak out Until everybody goes to sleep.
Hey, you're not supposed to be on the phone! You're grounded! It's nobody, David.
It's just that little kid we're growing In case one of us needs an organ.
You're talking to David.
Man, are you in trouble.
Uh, yeah, I got to go.
I got to use the phone cord for something else.
Here, I found these in my room.
It's gonna take some pretty good scrubbing To get all the cheese off.
Yeah, it's gonna take some pretty good scrubbing To get all your skin off, But, uh, I got time.
You can't do anything to me, 'cause you're in too much trouble.
Hey, d.
J.
, how would you like A second plate in your head? Hey.
Hey.
Dad, you're up.
Yeah.
What are you doing? Oh, I was just getting my jacket Because, uh, the basement's cold.
You don't have to do that.
I'll just turn the heat up.
Oh, right, of course.
Yeah.
Yeah, I keep it down Because it enhances the youthfulness of one's complexion.
Plus it keeps my beer cold.
All right, well, thanks.
Then I guess i'll turn in.
Listen, Darlene, i'm sorry I yelled at you earlier.
I know the whole thing with David wasn't your fault.
Yeah, okay.
As far as i'm concerned, The whole matter's behind us.
It's as if the whole thing never existed.
Yeah, right.
Tell that to my baby.
Darlene.
Good night, dad.
[knocking.]
I've been waiting in the park for hours.
Get your coat.
Meet me out front.
I can't get past my dad.
There's an F Troop marathon on.
Well, I can't come in 'cause your mom said I wasn't allowed in the house.
Oh, that's right.
We're not supposed to be speaking, either.
See ya.
All right, all right.
I'll come in.
Hey.
Hey.
Things sure are a mess, huh? Well, you give a decorator complete control, and I meant us.
Yeah.
I know.
I miss this room.
I miss you.
I still love you, Darlene.
Yeah.
Me, too.
[sigh.]
So what'll we do? I don't know.
Hey, Darlene, I brought you an ex-- Mr.
Connor, i'm sorry.
Shut up.
Shut up! Dad-- What's the matter, boy? Can't keep your pants on? Dad, stop it.
I made him-- I'm not talking to you, Darlene! Yeah.
I can fight my own battles.
David, just go back to jackie's.
All right.
Jackie's? I thought he was staying with his mother.
Later, Mrs.
Connor.
What the hell's going on? Yeah, what the hell is going on? You told me you sent David away, And this whole time, he's been staying at your sister's.
Uh Well, yeah, I did send him away.
Uh, but, you know, then Jackie got involved, And, uh Dan, didn't we say we would never raise our voices In front of the kids? After everything that boy's done, You've been helping him out? No, I haven't been helping him out.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm sorry, Dan.
I don't know.
I'm--i'm just soft.
Oh, I can't handle this.
I'm out of here.
No, you're not going anyplace.
You're grounded.
Okay, wait a minute.
Now, i'm grounded for lying to you guys About living with David, right? Right.
Just like you lied to dad And said that you didn't know That I was living with him in Chicago, Even though you did, right? Excuse me? Oh, you are in so much trouble now.
Uh, the--ratting out your own mother-- There's just, like-- There's just nothing lower than that.
I mean, am I right, Dan? Is that, like-- Ratting out your mom, That's got to be the worst, right? I'm going to jackie's.
What are we gonna do with her? You mean you knew the whole time? No! I didn't-- no, I didn't know the whole time, no.
No, of course I-- You know, just for, like-- Okay, the--you know, uh, like, the last couple of days, When I went up there, you know, uh, And I dragged David home, And I put an end to it all by myself.
I handled it all by myself, Dan, Because I just didn't want to get you upset.
I took all that stress on myself, And--and, uh--of course, now that you're on board, I--i'm feeling a lot of relief, Dan.
Dan? [knocking.]
Oh, well Well, isn't this nice? What a great aunt you are, Making them just so comfortable.
Why don't you tack up the bathroom mirror on the ceiling? Because, mom, Then when we do it in the bathroom, We won't be able to watch.
Darlene, you're not helping.
Darlene, you take your butt home right now.
I'm not going back to that house Just so you can torture me.
Wrong.
That is exactly why you're going back there.
You're in big trouble, And your punishment is not gonna be Sex with your boyfriend Well, obviously, You've never had sex with my boyfriend.
You know, it's a good thing I'm not living with my abusive mother.
Well, that's better.
Now it's just us three girls.
I will be in the kitchen Making sure that David doesn't disturb us.
Mom, I don't need you to punish me.
Huh.
Yes, you do.
I'm your mother, and it's my job To correct you when you make a mistake.
But I know living with David was a mistake.
It was miserable.
No punishment you could give me Could make me feel any worse.
Oh, so it'll be a challenge.
You don't get it.
I learned my lesson.
David and I were not ready to live together.
You know? I know that now, And I learned it on my own.
Wasn't that just great? I'm so proud of you, Darlene.
And lesson number 2 is what? Uh Always share? No.
It's you don't treat your mother like crap.
You know, you lied to me constantly For three months, okay? It's gonna take a lot of work Before you and me are square again.
All right, fine.
I'll do the dishes.
I'll clean the house.
I'll do the whole alphabet.
But i'm not going home While dad is acting like a psychopathic lunatic.
Oh, Darlene, your father is a reasonable man.
You just give him enough time, And he'll get over it.
So, uh You want to watch a movie on tv or something? I got to kill a couple of hours Before I can go back.
Hey, Dan? Ready to go? Just a minute.
Whoa.
Looks like somebody's been riding the couch.
Hey, this was my choice, so it's not embarrassing.
Dan, this is between you and Roseanne, okay? I don't want to get involved.
Hey, pal, you're already involved.
You got her sister pregnant, And if I was you, i'd sue for custody now, 'cause by the time the kid's 17, You won't have any claim on him at all.
A custody suit? Damn women.
Who the hell do they think they are? We're sugar and spice and everything nice, So bite me.
Hey, Roseanne.
Why, hello, Fred.
I think I shall be the one Taking Dan to work today.
I think Fred should.
Dan, i'm sorry, but I got to agree with Roseanne here.
[whispering.]
with you, buddy.
On second thought I might just like to walk to work today.
Oh, you don't even like to walk to the car.
Do you have any idea How this discussion is supposed to begin? You're supposed to apologize.
You lied to me.
Well, it's not like I feel good about it.
I mean, you found out.
The whole thing would have never happened If you hadn't have brought David into this house.
What the hell were you thinking? I wanted him to live here.
I still do.
Why? Well, maybe because I still think he's a good kid.
Gee, you know? He's handy to have around the house.
You never know if i'm gonna need something on the low shelf.
What is with you? Why are you taking david's side? Well, somebody has to.
God, Dan, you're blaming the whole thing in chicago on David.
Well, Darlene was there, too, you know.
It's not like David forced her to hide him out there.
All I know is before David came along, Darlene was not the kind of kid Who would move in with her teenage boyfriend.
Before David came around, Darlene was 12.
You know what I mean.
The teenage boy, they can be very persuasive.
Have you met Darlene at all? You seen the control she has over David? I mean, David isn't even his real name.
She just made that up.
Roseanne, you've been saying it for years.
I'm finally gonna agree with you.
Men are pigs.
I mean, you were every bit as bull-headed as Darlene was.
I managed to persuade you.
Right.
You remember our second date? You were upset because you had this big fight with your mom.
I wasn't thinking about your feelings.
I was thinking you were ripe for the picking.
Show a little charm, pour a few drinks down her.
Boom! We're at the blue rooster motel: Cock-a-doodle-doo.
My mom was in indiana.
There was no fight.
I just set the whole thing up So that you would be able to take advantage of me In my time of need.
So you've been lying to me from the beginning.
Face it, Dan, I seduced you, And Darlene may very well have seduced David, okay? So you can't keep blaming David for this whole thing.
Darlene had sex because she wanted to have sex.
I got to go to work.
The fact that I had my nightgown in my purse Should have tipped you off.
[knocking.]
[Dan.]
hey, it's me! Hi.
I didn't hear your car.
[panting.]
rode d.
J.
's bike.
May have to take it to the shop tomorrow.
What can I do for you? No.
Now, I shouldn't have to leave.
This is my house.
And since this is my house, I should offer you some coffee, Which I will make in the kitchen, Which is still in my house, so i'm not really leaving.
Mom send you to get me? I didn't come to get you.
I came to get David.
Really? Yeah.
Wait, so you're, like, cool with this? No.
I just don't blame David for everything anymore.
You don't have the right to be mad at me for having sex.
Did you expect me to be a virgin for the rest of my life? No.
I expected you to be a nice kid.
I'm not a kid anymore.
I know that.
I don't like it, but I know it.
I also know you lied to me and your mother For the last three months.
I had to.
You guys would have freaked out.
I had a good reason for everything that I did.
That's great.
You had your reasons.
I just don't know If things between me and you will ever be the same.
Well, why not? I mean, Becky ran off and eloped with Mark.
You let her off the hook.
Maybe I expected more out of you.
Hey, David.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hi.
Do you want to come home with me? For what? It's okay, David.
He's offering to take you back.
Really? Thank you, Mr.
Connor.
I'm gonna go get my stuff.
David, I'm glad you're coming back.
But no more lying.
Okay.
Look, Mr.
Connor, there's something I want to say to you.
Something that you should know.
I really love your daughter, And you should realize that When she and I When weWhen we're having our Tenderness-- David, stop.
Thank you.
Darlene, I got you an extra-- Mr.
Connor, i'm-- shut up.
Just shut up.
Dad-- What's the matter with you, boy? Huh? Can't you keep your pants on? Dad, I made him come in.
[off-camera laughter.]
Darlene, i'm not talking to you.
I can fight my own battles.
David, just go back to jackie's.
All right.
Jackie's? I thought he was staying with his mom.
That method acting will get you in trouble.