Black-ish (2014) s06e22 Episode Script

There's nothing quite like
the relationships you have
with your siblings.
And as an older brother,
I took looking after
my little sister seriously.
I'm not the one who needs to know
about square roots right now.
I got my high school diploma, Rhonda.
When you get yours, you can
forget about math, too.
Yo, Dre! We gonna be late to Freaknik!
Hey, man, them freaks can wait!
I'm saving my sister!
No, Rhonda, I don't think it's smart
to buy four houses with no money down.
You think they're gonna give
the first Black president
a strong economy?
Not now. I'm saving my sister.
And my looking out for my
sister carries on to this day.
A few weeks ago,
she and her wife, Sharon, split up.
Look, I know it's hard,
but you'll get through this.
Hey, this is what you do
have a glass of wine.
It'll relax you.
You know what?
I'll join you. I'm on my way.
- Hey, Bow!
- Yeah?
DVR "Madam Secretary"!
I'm gonna go save my sister!
And as she pulls her life together,
I'll continue to be there
in whatever way she needs.
Okay, okay. Hey, guys, guys,
cut off the movie.
Rhonda says she has
some news she wants to share.
Hey, everybody!
Big news
I'm adopting.
What? You're getting a dog?
No. A baby.
Okay, Rhonda.
A baby dog is called a puppy.
Dre, I'm adopting a baby human.
I'm gonna be a mom.
Oh, my God!
Rhonda? A mom?
Once again, I needed to save my sister.
Rhonda! Hey, Rhonda!
We are planning your shower,
and we're not gonna
take "no" for an answer.
Well, I hope so. After all
the baby gifts I got you,
I would be offended if you didn't.
Then it's settled! Oh, I'm so excited!
We're gonna have so much to talk about!
Uh, yeah, we're gonna definitely
keep talking about this.
All right, you guys,
more soon, all right?
I love you.
- Bye, Rhonda!
- Bye!
Look at God!
Another grandbaby.
Can't come soon enough.
These ones are starting to get old.
I didn't know Rhonda wanted to adopt.
I wonder what kind Rhonda's gonna get.
Chinese?
Korean?
One of those Romanians
who turns out to be a full-grown adult?
Come on, Grandma.
Let's go talk about
what we're not gonna say.
What? God, you can't say nothing.
I can't believe
Rhonda is about to be a mom.
A mom with a baby.
A baby with Rhonda for a mama.
Rhonda the Baby Mama!
Um what are you doing?
- Nothing. Just stating the facts.
- Mm.
Uh, bizarre,
mistakes-are-being-made facts.
Where did this come from?
Look, I get why she's excited,
but I also know when my sister's
about to jump into something
that she can't handle.
What makes you think
she can't handle this?
She bought a motorcycle last year, Bow.
What expectant mother buys a motorcycle?
And on top of that,
she just split from her wife
two seconds ago.
This is a rebound baby.
A "rebound baby" is not a thing.
Rhonda is a rebound baby.
It was 1984.
The Olympics were in Los Angeles,
and everyone was full of fever.
Nine months later boom!
Rhonda Joyner-Kersee Johnson was born.
Did you send us a calendar invite?
Oh. Yeah.
I wanted to tell you what we're doing
for Aunt Rhonda's baby shower gift.
Slow your roll, playboy.
Diane and I have been thinking.
We want to be in charge of this gift.
When it comes to decisions
in this family,
- we never get a say.
- Mm.
Okay. What's your big idea?
We're gonna curate
our cousin's whole wardrobe.
Buying clothes for a baby
is like buying caviar for a horse.
Trust me you're gonna
want to get something
that will last to mid-toddlerhood.
I'm talking strollers.
- Any specific
- The BabyJet 2800.
Fine. So we'll get the stroller.
- Easy.
- Yeah.
What, you think you can just
get the stroller?
You can't even sniff the 2800
if you're not verified on Instagram.
Luckily, I've already got a few leads.
My old high school
field hockey co-captain
- works at a
- I can't do this.
Come on.
We want to get Aunt Rhonda
the best gift,
and, like it or not, we need him.
Fine. We can work together.
But we get all the credit.
Your name doesn't go on the card.
Every time I see the smile
on that baby's face
as she glides down the street
on those 24s
that'll be my reward.
Hey! I see you're out here working
on my baby girl's shower.
- Yep.
- Can you believe I have a child
who's old enough to be a mother?
- Hey!
- Very much so.
Hey, I could really use your help.
Do you want to start
stuffing the gift bags?
Pass.
- Could you clean up in the liv
- Nope.
Could you make the tags
for the wishing tree?
Wishes are just miracles for sinners.
Yeah, okay. Sorry I asked.
I think the best way
for me to contribute
is to just be here for Rhonda.
We can bond over shading
your underwhelming baby shower.
Thank you for giving
my daughter and I this gift.
This baby is so lucky
they're not getting her genes.
Nah! Okay, you open up.
Hey, Dre, I got the baby picture
that Bow asked me for.
All right.
He is so cute, Dre.
Yeah, he's all right now.
You should've been here 20 minutes ago,
when he dumped those Cheerios
on his head.
Hey, being a parent is a lot of work.
I bet it is, but I'm pretty prepared.
I know you are, and that's why
I believe in you, all right?
But you're gonna miss
some things, though.
Sleep. Not a lot of that as a parent.
Is that why you're always
sleeping on the couch
every time I come around?
Being a parent is like cramming
for a test that never comes.
And it gets expensive fast.
Formula is 35 bucks a tub.
That's more than a bottle
of that cupcake-flavored vodka
that you like.
I know what I'm getting
myself into, Dre.
For sure, and that's why
I believe in you.
But single motherhood?
That's taking it
to a whole nother level.
There's a reason that rappers
thank their mamas before God
at the Grammys.
What are you getting at, Dre?
I wouldn't be doing my job as a brother
if I didn't tell you the truth.
This it ain't all that great.
Hey, d-don't get me wrong.
I mean, he's cool.
And while I believe in you
and I know that you can handle this
you can't handle this.
What?
Look, I just think
you should take a beat.
All right? I don't think you need
to get a baby right now.
Get a fish and see
if you can keep it alive.
Do you know how out of bounds
you are right now?
I'm just saying.
You just went through a divorce.
You moved into a new apartment.
I don't want to see you
complicate your life.
- Luckily, you don't have to, Dre.
- Hmm?
Because that's not
your decision to make.
So I'm gonna leave here
before I burn this house down.
Uh See? Now you sound like Mama.
- Hey, Super Dad.
- Yeah?
Your son got out of his booster seat.
What?
Devante!
- Dre!
- On the patio.
Oh, oh, there you are. Hey, hey, hey.
Can you help me get all
the party stuff out of the car?
I don't want to brag,
but this baby shower
is going to kick all other baby showers
in the baby maker.
Here's the thing.
I don't think there's gonna be a shower.
I think she thinks I think
she's not ready to have a baby
because
I told her so.
- Why would you do that?
- What was I supposed to do?
I'm her big brother.
I had to tell her how I feel.
- Did you, Dre?
- I
Because the other option is
for you to support the decisions
that your sister makes
about her own life.
But I'm terrified for her, Bow!
She
She's not ready.
Oh, God, Dre.
No one's ready to have a baby.
No one.
Do you remember how scared we were
when we first got pregnant with Zoey?
Oh. The condom snap
heard 'round the world.
We were so unprepared,
but we made it work
with what little we had.
Sweetheart, I know
you're anxious, but every time
that you have been worried
about Rhonda in the past,
it's what's made you
step up to support her.
And if there's ever a time
that she needs me
Exactly!
Your niece or nephew
is going to need you, too.
Dre
you're gonna be Uncle Dre.
- I've always wanted to be an uncle!
- Yes.
It's way less work than being a daddy.
You know, it's all the fun parts,
- without the responsibility.
- Oh, yeah.
You know what?
I've been looking at this wrong
the entire time.
Being an uncle
could be the best thing
that ever happened to me.
And Rhonda!
Mm, I wouldn't go that far.
No, Bow, I'm her footprints in the sand!
If Rhonda's gonna do this alone,
she's gonna need me
to be a positive influence.
I'm gonna need to be the uncle
that makes sure they have
everything they need!
So, what are we doing for dinner?
Oh! Uncle Dre is taking you
to Dave & Buster's.
Wait. Really?
No. I'm your daddy.
Go make a sandwich.
Can you make one for me, too?
He's 10 minutes late.
He'll be here.
Ricky always had my back,
on and off the field hockey field.
Oh, snap.
Okay. Here it is the 2800.
You are really doing me a solid, bro.
Hold up.
This box feels light.
Aluminum light.
Bro, did you take me to dinner?
What?
I said, did you take me to dinner?
No?
Then why are you trying to screw me?
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Go back and get me the 2800.
Okay. Yeah.
Write down the date, Jack.
Today, I'm actually
impressed with Junior.
Yeah. You got to get up pretty early
to pull one over on a man
who reads Stroller Illustrated.
Wh
Scratch that date, Jack.
I never wrote it down.
The day of the shower,
I wasn't just playing my role
as world's greatest host,
but I was making my debut
as world's greatest uncle.
- Hey, babe, thank you.
- Yeah?
- This is beautiful!
- Thanks.
You know, I never knew
that yellow and gray
- was the color combo that I wanted.
- Mm-hmm.
But it turns out it's
the color combo that I needed.
Okay, my inspiration
was the first day of spring
in the Carolinas.
Okay.
Have you even been to the Carolinas?
- Yes, I
- Muggy and buggy.
No, thank you. Now, where's Rhonda?
I want to see how many times we
can wrap this around her belly.
Ruby, no, no, no! No.
First of all, Rhonda is not pregnant,
and this is not that kind
of shower, okay?
We're not gonna be doing
any toilet-based activities.
And where is this coming from?
I thought we agreed
that I was planning the shower.
Rainbow, I don't have to be the magician
to bring the magic.
Speaking of magic,
I gotta go fill a plastic bosom
with some jelly beans.
No! Wait, Ruby, no bosom!
Oh. They've come a long way.
Ahh, there she is,
the mother-to-be of the year.
Wow. This is beautiful.
Thank you. I did it all myself.
For you.
I'm always there for you,
like I've always been
whatever you need.
- Thanks, bro.
- Okay, just say it, and I'll do it.
No ask is too big. No job is too small.
- Okay. Well
- All right.
I just kind of want to
greet my friends at the door.
- Okay, well, let me help you with that
- No, I got it!
- I got it! I got it.
- Okay! Okay! I can reel it back in.
- I'll reel it back in. Okay.
- Thank you so much.
Ohh. There you are.
Okay.
All right. Enjoy. All right.
Tell Speedy I said hey.
Hey! How are you? Thank you for coming.
Hi. I'm Stella.
I'm Dre, Rhonda's brother,
but you can call me Uncle Dre.
Just kidding.
You don't have to call me that.
But the kid will.
We are so excited for
Rhonda to be a mom.
She's already so on top of things.
She aced her infant safety class,
and her new apartment is
in such a good school district.
You know what's an even better
school district?
Private school!
Oh, hey, babe!
- Hey. Hi, Stella.
- Hey.
Hey, I thought Rhonda had
her heart set on public school.
- No. No. The baby's gonna be a Johnson
- Oh!
and we Johnsons
go to Valley Glen Prep.
- Mm!
- Rhonda said that?
Ah, well, you know,
just want to make sure
little baby LaKeef
has the best education possible.
I think you're kinda getting
ahead of yourself there, babe.
Oh, you're right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Could be a girl.
Baby LaKeefa is gonna have
the best education possible.
- Welcome!!
- Oh, my
You must be Rhonda's mom.
Can I grab you a drink?
Oh, sweetie, I'm flattered, but, uh
I'm heterosexual.
However, if you're interested
in identifying
melted candy bars in diapers,
- the game is starting in five minutes.
- Okay. Okay.
Hi! I'm so glad you came!
Have you stopped by the wishing tree?
Oh, I wish you would.
It's over there. Okay.
Ruby, this is my shower.
Okay?
And nobody's gonna eat out of diapers.
I've already microwaved
the candy bars, okay?
This train has no brakes.
Now, just come on!
Coming through. Excuse me.
Biggest gift at the party.
If you're feeling bad, you should.
You got shown up by children!
Oh, man, look at
all these small, stupid gifts!
It's like they don't even care
that Auntie Rhonda is gonna open them
in front of everyone
to judge and mentally rank.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
Pretty big gift. Hmm.
Kim and I got her a stroller.
Don't tell.
Stroller?
So thoughtful!
Bet it looks like a
troll's hammock next to the 2800.
It was kind of a pain to get in the car,
but it's the BabyJet 2900,
so it's totally worth it.
There's a 2900?
Oh! There's the mother of the hour.
Hey, are you having fun?
I am!
Hey.
I have a gift for our baby.
Look here.
It's just a little something
to show you how much I care.
Thank you, Dre.
I'm gonna open presents
after everyone leaves.
Ah, well, I'm not everyone, okay?
Come on, open it.
- Open it, open it!
- Okay, I'm opening.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
You got me a live-in nanny?
Yes, paid in full for a whole year.
You can make all
the baby mistakes you want,
and they won't matter.
Bam!
You have been Uncle Dre'd.
I don't need a nanny.
Eh, trust me. You do.
No. I don't.
And I don't need you
taking control of the situation.
- I'm just trying to
- No.
You don't believe that I can
actually do this by myself.
Dre, lesbians just don't
have babies by accident.
- Okay.
- You know how many hoops
I had to jump through
in order to get this far
in the adoption process?
Everyone has signed off but you.
Hey. Hey.
But I support you.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, hey, Rhonda, I got your back.
- Yeah, okay. Eh.
- O-O-Okay?
Hey, don't throw your hand up
at me, like you're Mom.
Ehh!
I'm your footprints in the sand!
Uh seems as if Rhonda
doesn't want to open up
her gifts right now,
so, uh peace out.
Well if she's not gonna open them
in front of everybody, I mean
Respect.
You know, I can't believe
Rhonda rejected my gift
after all I did for her.
And I can't believe I'm married to a man
who has managed to turn
a PTA meeting, a NASA launch,
and a baby shower
into being about himself.
What?
I just don't get
what Rhonda wants from me.
You know, I tell her what
I really think, and she's mad.
I-I-I-I support her fully,
and she's still mad.
She's a child.
She's not a child.
She's in her mid-30s, Dre.
Come on. I would've
remembered if my sister turned 30.
It was five years ago.
She had an escape room party.
You refused to go.
What Black man pays to be locked up?
I can't believe my sister's
old enough to run for president.
That can't be right.
You know what, Dre?
I know what you're going through.
I remember when Santamonica
had her first wedding.
I was like, "How could she be
getting married?
What? She still sleeps
with a night light."
You know, when I see Rhonda,
all I see is the little kid
whose mistakes I still have to clean up.
Maybe she doesn't need you
to do that anymore, Dre.
Look, you don't have to stop
being her older brother.
Maybe it's time for you
to just stop treating her
like your baby sister.
Yeah.
Maybe she can handle more
than what I give her credit for.
Dre, I don't think
your mom has ever been
to a baby shower before.
Do you know that she hired
male strippers
for a lesbian baby shower?
Ooh! These baby shower leftovers
are no joke.
I ate 14 deviled eggs.
The curry ones were my favorite.
They were all the same.
You ate spoiled eggs.
Hey, guys. I just wanted to apologize.
I was re-reading Hill Harper's
"Letters to an Older Brother,"
and I just couldn't shake the feeling
that I had failed you.
No way.
As much as I love a morning grovel,
you saved the day.
You switched the cards.
Even I didn't think of that.
I was just gonna
throw their box in the fire pit.
Well, you guys wanted to make
a name for yourselves,
and I totally took it over.
Picking out outfits
for your new baby cousin
is the kind of personal touch
Aunt Rhonda would've really appreciated.
Junior, you do a lot for us.
For everybody.
Yeah.
I mean, without you,
Mom and Dad would not be able
to handle Devante.
It's true.
The other day, I caught them arguing
about whether or not Devante
has a capital "V" in his name.
Is there?
There's not.
Oh. Okay.
Am I the only one in this family
who cares about that child?
Hey, Rhonda.
What, are you here to tell me
how to put together this crib?
Nope. Not at all.
But, uh, I can help.
What you got there?
Okay, that's a
Oh, what's this, 1/4"?
Ah. 5/16".
Yeah, there you go.
I don't know what I'm doing. No.
Bow always puts together the baby cribs.
Figured.
Your Timbs are nonfunctional.
Ah.
You know what?
I owe you an apology, Rhonda.
You know, every time I see you,
I just see younger versions of you
laid on top of who you are now,
and that's not fair.
You know, I still remember
when they brought you home
from the hospital.
And when you were little, I remember
you couldn't say your R's,
so you always called me "Dwe."
I still look at you as my big
brother with the Jheri curl.
Why was it so dry?
Okay, you know what?
Curl activator was expensive. Okay?
You know, this kid doesn't know it yet,
but he or she is going to win the lotto
when they get you as a mom.
You know, it's something
I've always wanted.
Unfortunately, Sharon was not on board.
Is that why you guys split?
Because she didn't want to have kids?
Yeah. What'd you think?
I I don't know, you know?
I thought maybe she just
kept taking your bras or something.
I don't know.
Seriously, do you have any gay friends?
Okay.
Yeah, Sharon she wanted
things to stay the same,
but I knew I was meant to be a mom.
And you're going to be a great mother.
Thank you.
Aww, you're welcome, sis.
Thank you, Uncle Dwe.
- Uncle Dwe!
- Ooh! I'm gonna be an uncle!
You keep it about me right now.
Okay. I'm sorry.
But just know I'm gonna be here
with you every step of the way,
so whatever you need, I got you.
Uncle/godfather.
Now, what makes you think
you're gonna be the godfather?
Who else is it gonna be?
Junior!
Junior's gonna be the godfather?
- Yeah.
- Godfather Junior?
Mm. Makes sense.
He is the only one
who hasn't lost Devante.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey.
Hey, Junior!
I just got off the phone
with Auntie Rhonda,
and she is over the moon
about that stroller you got her.
It is so hard to get those things!
It was nothing.
I mean, yes, it was incredibly difficult
and objectively a show-stopper,
but, you know, it was nothing.
Sweetheart, don't sell yourself short.
The 2900?!
Mm-hmm.
You really must've had to
pull some strings, huh?
I mean, you don't get to be a godfather
without greasing a few palms
along the way.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, you know what I thought
was weird, though?
That you would spend all that
energy getting that stroller
and then have it engraved
with "From Stella & Kim."
I'm not gonna be
the godfather now, am I?
I think I'm the Godfather now.