Brassic (2019) s07e01 Episode Script

1
The following programme contains
very strong language, adult humour
and scenes that some viewers
may find distressing.
ERIN: Let's give
the best goodbye
to the beautiful man
that was Dylan Golding.
DAVEY: Go and give your
friend a fantastic send off.
The funeral he
would have wanted.
Come on let's have it. Scream
if you want to go faster.
(CHEERING)
(PANICKED CRIES, SCREAMS)
Oh fuck. (SCREAMS)
(LOW, TENSE MUSIC)
Woah. Woah. Woah. Cardi,
stop wriggling dude.
I've got a dead leg.
(COACH GROANS)
Fuck.
I'm too young to die,
I've never truly loved!
Yeah, or learned to drive.
There was a blowout!
Sonny's gonna be parent less, he's
gonna have to live with Sugar's mum!
That is bad actually.
What with her drinking
and her bad taste in men.
(COACH GROANS)
(PANICKED CRIES)
Shush. Can we just-can
we just stop talking
and concentrate on
not dying, please.
Where the ever loving
fuck are Jim and Shirley?
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)
Siri - take me to Calvert Dale.
Directions to Calvary
Sailing Club, Stoke on Trent.
Calvert Dale, Calvert Dale,
you cunting, cunting cunt.
Playing Country Music
songs from Spotify.
Oh for fuck's sake.
They're here! They're here.
Guys, it's Jim and Shirley.
(GRUNTS AND SHOUTS)
(COACH GROANS)
Oh fuck!
Hurry up.
Don't know why you
bothered turning up.
I could probably do this with
my tractor; my tractor's an ox.
My tractors stronger than your
tractor, any day of the week.
Your tractors a lady tractor.
Your tractors a cunt.
Your tractors a cunt!
Oyi. Wallace and fucking
Vomit, get a move on!
Alright, keep your
fucking hair on. Come on.
Can you hurry up.
OK.
We need to both start
pulling at the same time.
I'll count us, we'll
go on three, ready.
One, two
I never said three.
(CABLE PINGS)
(ALL CRY OUT)
(CRYING OUT)
(ROCK CRUMBLES)
(METALLIC GROAN)
(PANICKED CRIES)
(ROCKS GRINDING)
(YELPS) It's going to
drag us over the edge.
Fucking hell. I'm bailing.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(SCREAMING)
Oh God.
(CRASH) Fuck's sake.
Oh fu
Fucking hell, we slowed its
fall, they might still be alive.
Get some help.
(SHOUTS) We're getting
some help, hold on!
Siri - call mountain rescue.
SIRI: Calling Martin Risque.
Barrett Strong - Money ♪
Fuck's sake.
The best things
in life are free
But you can give them
to the birds and bees
I need money
(that's what I want) ♪
(MEDITATIVE HUMMING)
Hey Vinnie.
Hmm.
Fucking 'ell..
What the fuck are you doing!
I'm om-ing.
Coming?
No, I'm not fucking coming.
I'm om-ing, and you've ruined
it. It's a Hindu tradition.
Supposed to help you.
I don't know chakra or somert.
So it's true then, what they're
all saying - you've gone weird.
I haven't gone
weird, I'm just
just trying, to reflect
a bit that's all.
We all nearly died
that day, Vin.
But there's still pigs to feed
and shit to be shovel led.
Come on, taking you for a pint-
Hey. I'm not going drinking.
I've read about it.
It just contributes to it all
don't it, depression and
fucking anxiety and that.
Fuck me, this is more
serious than I thought.
Look, I'm no counsellor, Vin,
but as that cunt out
of Mork and Mindy said
when he got those little privileged
little twats to stand on desks
in that poetry
film - carpe diem.
You'll be right. I'm just
(SOFTLY) Fuck me man
My head, I don't know
why it does it. Just
I get really sick of myself.
And there's time I just
think fuck it, you know
I've wished for
this sweet oblivion.
And then I get to
it, and I just
You want to live.
Yeah.
Me too.
And this is the year of bukkake.
The Specials: A
Message to You, Rudy ♪
Dude. The fuck.
We're in a good spot
guys, we're doing well,
you know, there's no bloody
McCann: he's dead, bloody Manolito:
he's fucked it as well.
No-one's trying to cut
anyone's todger off.
I say, we just go
back to ways of old.
Do you know what I mean?
We grow the weed, sell the weed,
the odd fucking job on the side,
take each day as
it comes. Lovely.
Why'd you put your
hand up, dude?
I've been talking, with my wife
and Carol, we were thinking that,
maybe it's t-time to
quit while we're ahead
What the fuck, what do you mean?
I mean, that we're
in a better place,
me and her, and we're not
getting any younger, Vin!
And I want to get old with her,
without being not alive.
He's got a point, Vin,
and that coach, right,
it's the not first time we've been
nearly been killed. Give over.
I mean alright, give
me another example,
of when we've nearly
been killed, come on.
There where that
time down sewers.
Won't there, when big old fatberg
and that, you know blocking us in.
(WET SPLAT) (PANICKED CRIES)
Alright the sewers and the
bloody coach. What else?
The lion. The lion
was dangerous. Jesus!
No he was a
fucking-He was caged.
Sixty-ish percent of
the time he was caged.
Alright, what about the time
Tillerton's head came off?
That fucking gang shooting us.
Fuck you! Shit.
(YELLING) (SPLAT)
(SCREAMING)
Thinking about it, you
know, we have been shot at
on multitudinous occasions.
(GUNFIRE)
(SCREAMS)
It's gonna fucking sound bad, when
you list it like this. Alright.
I'm not risking prison again.
Yeah. We've got a Sonny now. We
can't take them risks anymore.
And I've been developing a
YouTube personality actually;
I've been getting actually
quite a lot of followers.
What about you? Me?
Oh you know me, Vincent,
fingers in so many pies
they call me Fray Bentos.
Fucking fine. Get jobs then.
Get jobs, and pay
taxes like dickheads.
Chatting to fucking
Daryl from accounts.
I'm still available
Doh you and your face..
Settle petal. Simmer down. Just
fucking cross with you all.
While I've been working out,
how to keep us all together,
you fuckers have been
trying to move on.
(LIGHT MUSIC)
Fucking unbelievable.
That's the-that's it.
That is the start of the
fucking end, right there.
Nothing lasts forever.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Oh fuck It's Mrs Bishop.
Daphne. Hello boys
Now then. Oyi, whatever it is,
we're closed for fucking business.
What do you want? Want? Me?
I'm just here to see
a few friends of mine.
Toodle-oo.
Friends. She hasn't got friends.
She hasn't got fucking- She's
up to some shit, is what she-
The only time she ever comes here
is because she wants something
nasty doing to one
of her shag pieces.
Come on. Fucking up to somert,
telling you now dude
Oh God. Alright.
Oh for fuck's sake. Who the
fuck are these tight-skinned
fucking whippersnappers.
She's giving them money!
Fuck me, it's a new
gang. I fuckin' told you.
We have left the vacuum
and these, they've come,
and they've shagged the vacuum.
I'm fucked. Check this out now!
Oh stomp. Stomp, stomp Hagrid.
What the fuck is
all this shit, eh?
Friendship my fucking cock hole,
what's she fucking paying you
to do this bastard here, eh?
Who the fuck are you,
you tattoo'd old twat.
Oh That was really
fucking rude madam.
Rude, very rude. Rudas
a scarriott. Yeah.
Although to be fair you are very
heavily tattooed and you know,
nobody likes this
chin one. I regret it.
I'm getting married, Vincent
and these lovely young people
to help make my day
utterly perfect.
Right. Quick question.
Who the mucky fuck
will want to marry you?
Wouldn't you like to know, Tommo,
but it's real love this time, and
after all the
years that I've wasted
on that bastard, I think
I've finally deserve
Here we go! ..some
(CRIES)
I mean look at this shit.
Do you know what I mean.
This is what you'll be working
with, it's a fucking nightmare.
(LOUD CRYING)
Listen to me, hey,
give over now.
When these fuckers,
mess this job up,
please don't come crying to
me, I'm out like hocus pocus.
Poof! Poof. (CHUCKLES)
Bastards!
Did I flounce out? You
flounce a bit, you flounced
The fuck was Oh does
my fucking head in
Oh hello. Oyi. Vincent O'Neil.
You alright?
You don't remember me, do you?
No
Do you wanna enlighten me?
Say hello to my dad,
will yer, if you see him.
Who the fuck is her dad
I don't fucking know!
Her and her dad can
kiss my bum hole.
Oh my fucking God,
do you know that
What? That's Jim's daughter
Alison?
Yes. Back here?
Yes.
I haven't seen her since her
mum poisoned her against me.
How's she looking?
She's fucking bonnie.
I mean, she looks nothing like you,
you know what I mean, thank Christ.
That's the thanks you get,
for wiping their arse,
for-for cradling them
through sleepless nights
No. That's a lie.
I don't think you ever
did anything like that.
Well it's not the
fucking point, is it?
I was there - providing! Yeah.
Working my hands to the
bone to put fucking rusks
in her slobbery little gob.
And just because I had a
sexually adventurous love affair
behind her mother's back,
and she got the wrong end of
the stick when she caught me
in the back of that Mini Metro
with her best mate's mam,
she ditches me.
Selfish Her own father.
Unreal. Not a call,
not a fucking text
I mean, she's not my favourite
daughter, but I'm fond of her.
What a beautiful story, by
a wonderfully beautiful man.
You're a dick dude.
Do you want my advice,
fucking bell her up,
life's too short to be
holding grudges Jimbo.
Yeah right
Maybe
Fucking maybe, oyi, you can ask
her what she's bloody up to an all,
she's a rum fucker. I wanna
know what she's doing
Eh. It'll be somert good.
She was very bright, Ally,
took after her old man
(SCOFFS) Wow.
Hey, hey fucking 'ell, fucking
brain the size of a planet me.
Is the planet made of
gas and white dog shit?
Oh (PHONE RINGING)
Oh fucking 'ell. Oh
madam, the plot thickens,
check that out.
My bitch ex-wife is
getting married again.
Hmm. Right
Minute the divorce came through,
bang, ring on her finger.
The guy's loaded, of course,
owns his own PR firm,
and I'm telling you now,
she only wants his money.
Aye. So what's it to you?
Well she takes me
for half of my cash
and now she's gonna get her
hands on somebody else's money,
oh no, no, no, not on my watch.
Here is this ornamental.
No.
It looks ornamental.
Well it's not.
Don't fucking hurt
yourself, will yer.
It's great big sword love.
You know what I mean.
So erm what've you
done to your finger then?
It's just an accident.
An accident with a fish.
A fish.
I am not fingering fish.
We didn't say that. You said
that. No one mentioned it. Just
So come on then, what
do you want us to do?
Fuck the wedding up.
Get the whole
thing called off
This now and then the same again
when she's crying into her tiara.
You can't ruin a woman's wedding,
it's the happiest day of her life.
Have you met my ex?
No.
No. Well these'll tell
you, she's a piece of work.
I mean she's what you'd
call a common end garden
run of the mill, bell end.
Listen. Listen, I'm grateful
you brought us the job.
But we're thieves aren't
we, professional thieves.
Our skills aren't
tailored to breaking up
fucking relationships man.
So you can't do the job them?
No. We can't no.
Right, OK. It's just that I've-
I've heard about another
crew rolling around,
that might not pass
up my money, so
Really? Hey. Young I hear.
Fuck off. For fuck sake.
Well then alright then.
He's got us there
He's a bind.
Oh and this time I wanna
see your mastery at work.
I know where he lives.
I'm in!
(SWOOSH) Argh! Argh!
My fucking toe.
Oh hell Not ornamental.
MEENA: What are we doing here,
I can't believe you're
dragging me into this.
No. No, I'm not. Don't you fucking
dare, because right a hearse
is the perfect cover in't it,
besides what the fuck
else were you doing today.
Actually nothing,
it's very quiet.
Dead, is it?
Dead. There he is,
Kenton Baldwin - director
of KenWin Public Relations,
biggest client
COME FLY airlines.
Yes. Exactly, and a smugger
twat you could not hope to meet.
We should go through his
bins. Dig up some dirt
He keeps his bins down
the side of his house.
We'd have to gain access through
this fucking front gates.
Yeah. No problem. Just buzz
in and say we're the bin men.
(SCOFFS)
It's OK, alright I'm sorry
to break it to you love,
but it isn't that simple.
(BUZZER TRILLS) (PLAYFUL MUSIC)
WOMAN: Hello? Bin men.
(DOOR BUZZES) Oh.
Fair do's fair do's yeah.
His cars there, he might
be in. Hurry the fuck up!
This wasn't what I had in mind.
So listen, we'll do the
paper, you do the general.
You know, for a traveller,
you're surprisingly au fait
with suburban bin
divisions aren't yer?!
I take my recycling
very seriously.
Good for you. Now
look at this
This breaks my heart,
some idiot has emptied
their bathroom bin in here.
Is that paper? No.
Is that paper? No.
I swear to God,
if I was prime minister, I'd make
it a fucking hanging offence.
Right, well I don't think
they do hanging anymore, love.
Well I'd bring it
fucking back. Right.
(RETCHES) What is it?
Used condom, very used condom
wrapped inside a tissue.
What's that? A used condom?
Right, let's have a
look. Out the way.
(GROANS)
(SNIFFS) (RETCHES)
That is not old
spunk. That is fresh.
How deep were it?
How's she supposed to
know how deep it went?
In the bin, you clown,
not the fucking vagina.
Like here
That's two or three days
tops, then that in't it
Right so, here's the thing,
if Daphne has not been over
in his house in the last two or
three days then this my friends,
could be our smoking gun.
Hey! You aren't bin men!
Fuck! Leg it. Leg it.
(CHAOTIC POP MUSIC)
(GROANS)
(ARGUING) (ENGINE STARTS)
Right we have found his bank
statements. Here, here and here
Last June: we have this OBPAY.
OBPAY? What the fucks OBPAY?
Well quite, yes, meaningless
and benign to the untrained eye,
but with a trained eye, i.e.
this guy, OBPAY is very much
the method of payment employed
in your adult establishment.
Oh that's fantastic,
that is good news.
Right, alright so he's fucked then,
got a bit of dirt on him there.
We've got the used johnny,
we've got the wank codes.
You want dirt - look in bins.
A very cocky energy coming off you Michael. WEBVT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000, MPEGTS:0
Well that's him fucked in it.
We've got dirt on him already.
Oh yes, he's definitely giving
the 'grab 'em by the pussy' vibes.
Vinnie Vin!
Well, do come in
won't you. What?
I've been thinking,
like him with his long lost son,
I want to try and be part
of Ally's life again.
Err bababa. Asabababa.
Hang on a moment, right,
because Hans never knew me.
I never knew Hans.
Whereas, your Alison might
have got the measure of you,
you mankie old scrote in
her pre-pubescent years.
Oi fucking Tom Thumb, I'm
a fucking changed man.
I've fucking mellowed!
And I want you to
broker a truce.
Why-why do I have
to fucking do it?
Well it were your idea.
Please Vinnie..
Alright then, where-where
can I find her?
Here.
I told her mother that I wanted
to put her in my inheritance,
and I needed her number to
fill out the forms. Hey.
Not a daft cunt.
I've only got a few minutes,
OK. I know, it won't take long.
Christ
Alison.
Dad.
My little girl
You're a woman.
Bloody good looking
woman as well
mind you, your
mother was hot
in her day.
Not now, now she looks like
she's been left out in the sun
too long and no amount
of Botox is gonna-
Pa pa pa pa Yes yeah.
I just want to say that I
know I wasn't a great husband,
and I definitely could
have been a better father.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Well let me fucking
finish. Oh come on,
you were either farming or
drinking or tryna get your leg over
anything that moved Well,
back then it was fucking work
hard play hard, wasn't it
Fucking pre-me too, you could
slap a woman on the arse
No ..and it was considered
a sign of- Da da
da da da, just
Fine!! Fine.
I'm sorry.
I was a bad father
and I want a second chance
to be a part of your life.
Yeah alright
I mean, well seen as we're
clearing the air, I erm
I would like you to
admit one thing to me.
Andrea was always
your favourite.
(LAUGHS)
Favourite?
Parents don't have
favourites Lying bastard.
Dad, come on, I'm a grown
woman, I can take it.
I know you loved me, I just,
always felt you loved
Andrea that little bit more.
All I'm asking is,
for you to finally
admit it.
(MOUTHS)
It was no more than sixty forty.
Wow.
Arsehole.
I hope you die old and lonely,
you've got all dressed up and
you still reek of fucking pigs.
Alison Ally.
How do you think
that went, then?
Now then.
Do you live in this thing?
Yeah. Me and Fay, no
fixed abode and all that.
I think it's fucking cool.
So are you erm
are you back for
your dad or what?
No. Fay just seems to think
we'll get more work round here.
That's all. Hmm.
I hear you grow the
best weed in Hawley.
I do. I grow the best weed
this side of Amsterdam,
tell your shagging
mates that an all.
Just take your time,
it's a bit strong.
That is good. It's
alright, in it?
So, how's it going
with Mrs Bishop?
Good, good, yeah, yeah,
yeah, erm fantastic.
The 'fantastic' bit.
That's a fib that. I'm getting
definite fucked it vibes here.
No, I've not! Yes you've
No, I've not! Give me that back.
Your vibes are all wrong mate.
Take your fucking old man
vibes and vibe-o-metre
and go and buy some fisherman's
friends or whatever.
Well fucking fine,
I will then. Fine.
Fine. But I'm telling you
now, I've got a real feeling
that you might've fucked
this thing right on up there.
Well there was a slight hiccup.
Fucking sick
Explain yourself. Cheers.
She said, her first
wedding, was awful
and the minute she stepped in
the venue, she knew it was
Cursed.
But I can sense that the marriage
wasn't going to be a happy one.
And that man, he stole
the best years of my life.
But this time, I've got my
heart set on Ardley Hall.
With it's Crittall windows
and Georgian buttressing
The problem is, it's
a very popular venue
and it's booked up
for years in advance.
They only do weddings
on a Saturday.
So they've popped me on the waiting
list but no fuckers cancelling,
so I'm having to matters
into my own hands.
She a lunatic. Honestly..
I've acquired a list of
all the brides that are due
to get married in
the next six weeks,
and if, by some
terrible misfortune,
one of these couples should
happen to change their mind,
it means that I get the
wedding of my dreams.
Yay.
She selfish, spiteful and
fucking mean spirited.
Anyway we decided we
weren't gonna hurt anyone.
Right, so what have you done?
So, you know my girlfriend
Fay, the one that called you-
Tattoo'd old twat. Yes. Yes.
So, we chose the first
people off the Bishop's list,
Martyn Dale and Jennifer Frost.
Love you, Marty pops.
Love you, Jen Jen.
I looked 'em up online,
they're like super square,
super conservative, so Fay decided
the best course of action was
Animal porn.
Fucking animal porn?
I know. That's what I said.
But listen, you
guys are old school,
our generation we know about
tech and all that stuff.
It's best way to
screw people over.
We'll plant it on
his computer
Then we'll bell her
up, anonymously,
and tell her where to find it.
(ANIMAL NOISES)
(GASPS)
And within a day or
two I can't do it.
Oh fuck.
The wedding's off.
Jen?
So what have you done then? Well,
it was all going swimmingly.
We'd followed him to this cafe,
found his laptop password,
so all we needed to do
was break into the house,
find the laptop and
plant the porn. Right.
Now our guy Baxter, he
is the top at break-ins.
Trouble is, he's not
the brightest spark.
The stupid thick bastard gets
inside the house, finds the laptop,
and all he has to do is transfer
the contents onto the laptop.
(GRUNTS) Knocked out cold.
Now Martyn arrives home.
Finds him. Police get called.
Oh. Hmm.
And now his brother Darren's saying
he hasn't the stomach for it.
So it's just me and Fay.
Oh.
Oh alright, you smug twat.
I know what you're thinking.
What am I thinking?
Young idiots not up to the task.
That is exactly
what I'm thinking.
You know, I always admired you,
when I was a kid and you
used to come to the farm.
Thought you were a
bit like Robin Hood.
Fuck it, really? No,
I'm being serious, I am.
You know, you always
used to say like,
'we're the forgotten generation,
us lot, so we make our own rules'.
I mean, that's how we feel now,
we just need a bit of
guidance, bit of time to learn.
Someone to learn from.
No. You can't seriously be
suggesting that I work with you
and fucking Peter
Pan. Oh come on.
We're young, we're energetic
and from what I'm hearing your guys
aren't so enthusiastic anymore.
My guys, are just
you know, busy with
a lot of different
They'll be back, they're
all gonna fucking listen,
don't you worry about my guys.
New blood, what new blood.
And they've got a tough one too, and
Jim's daughter's a computer whizz.
What, really?
J- Jim's daughter?
Have they got a vehicle guy?
They've got a vehicle guy.
They've got Bishops jobs
too, it's like the old days.
I'm thinking one more job
wouldn't hurt. Would it?
Yeah, one more job Yeah..
One job, like the old
days. What are you saying?
No. No. I'm going back to
Blackpool in a couple of days.
Sugar? Tommo,
I'm not helping you ruin the
happiest day of a woman's life.
Alright, alright, alright,
OK, much as I am sympathetic
to your romantic inclinations,
let me tell you this
sweetheart, this list, right,
it's exclusively made up of,
how do I say this posh cunts.
It's a fucking double barrel led
bonanza over here, you've got err
Hayley Taylor-Clarke,
Miranda Morgan-Fry,
Sarah Cheeseman
Actually that's just-
Sarah Cheeseman?
Let's have a look.
(OMINOUS TONE)
I'm in.
Right, come on now,
concentrate, let's get started.
What about Cardi? Has
he said he was coming?
Not in so many words no.
Well he fucking knows where we are,
doesn't he, if he changes his mind.
We're fucking up two weddings today,
we need to do it in specific order.
First, were gonna fuck
up Cheeseman's wedding.
Alright. Mrs Bishop pays us.
Then we fuck up her wedding.
And Mr Bishop pays us for that.
Alright.
First up Sarah Cheeseman.
Yes! Cheese off.
We have a few options
open to us. Yes.
Number One: We cut
off all her hair.
Including her
eyebrows. I like that.
Number Two: We mangle her hands
so they can't get ring on.
That's a bit much that, in't it?
And C
No. No.
It's not one, two, C is
it, it's not one, two, C
It's one, two, three. Right,
whatever, C, whatever
We go for the teeth.
Teeth. No.
Teeth, hang on a minute, am
I hearing this correctly?
Who is gonna mess up her teeth?
Can we not just shave
her shagging hair off.
What if she wears a wig? Well
then fucking do her eyebrows,
Ashley. Lord fire.
I mean she's not gonna wanna get
married looking like fucking Beaker.
Bald cunt with the glasses from
the Muppets, is it that same one?
Dr Bunsen. That's the
bastard. Well in dude.
Wait Muppets?
That the ones with the frog
that's wanting to fuck the pig,
but the pig's all like cunty
and like whacks him with a
karate chop, but he still
he still fucking wants her.
Also that's such a fucking weird
take, but yes, that is the Muppets.
That is-That is the Muppets
in't it. Yeah she's got it.
Fucking shut up, I think we
should split into two groups,
alright we've got a Cheeseman
group. And Mrs Bishop group.
Find out how we can shave
Cheeseman's hair off.
OK. Here we've got
her personal calendar.
How did you get
into that so quick?
Easy peasy. Let's have
a look, we've got
Nail appointment
tomorrow, dress pick up,
fiance's suit from dry cleaners,
cake and favours delivery,
God getting married's
stressful. Tell me about it.
What's O-W-L?
It's a night time bird.
It's an acronym.
Google it JJ.
Overwhelmingly large;
Olympic weight lifting;
older woman's league;
online weekend learning.
Well it's none of them is
it. Ongoing weight loss.
Bingo. That's the
one! Well done.
Right, yeah but that's not
what we're looking for, is it?
I know there's literally everything
here except her hair appointment.
How we gonna fuck it up if we
don't even know when it is?
Won't she have it
done on the day?
Have it done on the day, there'll
be pre-treatments, trims,
root tints, conditioning masks.
For me this is personal, so
I'm going to that nail bar,
I'm gonna get reacquainted
with my old friend.
Right, I need to ask
you a serious question,
why do you hate her so much?
(WISTFUL STING)
(PARTY CHATTER)
(CLATTER)
(DRILL WHIRRS) (SINISTER STING)
(MUSIC ENDS) It's a long story.
Right, let's just say we're getting
our nails done for a weekend away,
alright, we're mates.
Aw nice, where we going?
I don't know, do I.
Well that's not much of
a cover story, is it.
Here what about - The Lake District,
I've always wanted to go there.
No, it just pisses
down all the time.
Well what if were going
for a spa weekend.
Why we getting our nails
done for a spa weekend,
where we could just get them
done there? That's true.
Because we've been before
and the woman who does them
has the worst halitosis
you've ever smelt.
Oh God, the disgusting bitch.
OK, alright, we're good on
our story? Alright, let's go.
(BELL DINGS)
Oh my God. (LAUGHS)
Sarah!
Erin, hi.
Hi.
How long's it been?
Years. Years.
Erm girls, this is erm Sarah,
we used to work together,
back in the day.
Well, she used to work for
me, I was assistant manager,
she was store supervisor.
But it's so nice to
see you again. Yeah.
How old's that little
boy of yours now.
Err twelve. Gosh, big.
Big.
You did so well,
having him on your own.
I suppose you had no choice,
baby with a one night stand.
Oh that's a lovely ring,
when's the big day?
Weddings on the
twelfth, Ardley Hall,
and you won't believe the
ceremony I've got planned,
oh I was just telling
Benita here about it.
Honestly, I am so excited,
my Ged is a huge
Harry Potter fan.
Is he A grown
man. He loves it.
He's read all the books,
he's watched all the films,
he even refers to his
you-know-what, as his magic wand
(ALL CHUCKLE)
Anyway, err as a surprise
I'm decorating the chapel
at Ardley in a Hogwarts theme.
It's a great idea isn't it?
And the crowning glory and I can
hardly believe I've managed this,
I've hired the North's
only fully trained owl
to swoop down, on cue,
over the guests heads,
and deliver our
rings for the vows.
Wow, that's quite something.
Thank you.
It'll be a hoot, Harry Potter.
You what?
You know Dobby
the elf, thingy.
'Slam my ears in the
oven door, to punish me'.
'Dobby only meant
to mutilate Master'.
The master OK,
enough Dobby
That owl's gonna be the centre
piece of the whole wedding.
It's gonna be the
most perfect day.
What happens if the
owl doesn't perform?
Well it will perform, or
it gets 'disciplined'.
And I've got a rehearsal
with the handler, so
Yeah. Right. Well err.
Sounds like it's gonna be
the most wonderful day.
Erm yeah nice to see yer.
We'll leave you to it.
Bye. Bye.
You didn't get to the hair.
Fuck the hair, she won't get married without that owl.
WEBVTT X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000, MPEGTS:0
(PLAYFUL TENSE MUSIC)
Here we go. Right
that's him there.
That's the poor twat who's marrying
Mrs Bishop. Christ Almighty
Flashy cunt.
Exactly that, yes, and we
have reason to suspect,
that he frequents
massage parlours
and occasionally uses
yer casual sex worker.
Oh yeah. How do you know that?
Because we're professionals.
So how do we know that?
We through his bins.
Went through his bins.
Now listen, we can't just go
assuming, we need a bit of proof.
We're gonna send our mate in,
Rory Finnegan, to entrap him.
Alright. Who is Rory Finnegan?
That's the website done.
Now you need to make a date
with Mrs Bishop's fiance.
My name is err Jeremy Chandler.
I'm the senior assistant
of Rory Finnegan
of Finnegan Enterprises Dubai,
my company is looking to set
up a very large leisure centre
over there and would like to
raise it's profile here in the UK.
WOMAN: Dubai, you say?
You're very welcome to check
out our website of course,
but we would prefer to
meet Mr Baldwin in person
to discuss the potential
of his involvement
in this exciting new venture.
Right here, we've got a
High Def: WiFi IP camera.
Cystal-clear sound.
And the final piece
of the puzzle.
the room key.
(SOFT HIP-HOP MUSIC)
(SOFT CONVERSATION)
Kneecap: Better Way to Live ♪
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
Oh Mr Baldwin, I presume.
Rory Finnegan MBE,
but I don't like to
talk about my titles.
It's a delight to meet you.
Come in. (CHUCKLES)
Shall we? Yes.
(BIRD CALLS) (SOF
SECRETIVE MUSIC)
Right, now are you gonna
be OK as getaway driver?
Only, statistically, women
are safer drivers than men.
Oh really? Are they?
Well, statistically
Motorhead: Ace of Spades ♪
(ENGINE ROARS)
If you like to gamble
(TYRES SQUEAL)
You win some, lose some,
it's all the same to me
(MUSIC ENDS)
Well you asked for that.
The White Stripes:
Seven Nation Army ♪
I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army
couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Takin' their time
right behind my back
(AIR HISSING)
And I'm talkin' to myself
at night Because I
Now you leave the owl to me,
because I watched a YouTube video
last night and I know
what I'm doing, OK.
You ready. One, two
Fuck sake
Sarah Cheeseman.
Yes? Good afternoon.
(SPRAY HISSES) (SCREAMS)
Shit.
(CRYING OUT) (FIGHTING)
(CRIES OUT)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
JJ. JJ. JJ give me a hand here!
(YELPS)
Ow, my fucking eyes.
What the fuck JJ.
(OWL SCREECHES)
No no no no no, down
Get it you fucking idiot.
(WHACK) (SPLAT)
MAN: Oh, my eyes.
Fuck. (SCREAMING)
What happened?
Nothing. Err it's
still breathing.
Right let's go! I can't see.
Fuck sake. Hold my jacket.
Fucking hell
('Seven Nation Army' CONTINUES)
Thought you lot were professionals.
What have you done to it?
It's resting. Get in.
Get in!
(ENGINE STARTS, ROARS)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
there would be trips to and from,
for yourself and your colleagues
but essentially what we're
looking for old chap is a UK based
promotional agency to help us
Oh I am starving.
What did you bring?
Right, well listen I don't
know your tastes do I,
so I just got a selection.
I got ham, cheese
and the old reliable
tuna sweetcorn.
Oh I fucking hate tuna.
You can't take that
Shit, shit, shit
Fuck, where is he going?
He's going in the fucking room.
Distract him. Fuck's
sake. I'll handle it
Don't go.
Oh mate, mate, sorry, there's
just been a little bit of
a misunderstanding
about the room, erm
(CRACK)
Oh. Oh Now we're
talking! (LAUGHS)
Bit over-zealous, but
err very effective.
(PHONE LINE RINGING)
SARAH: Hello, who is this?
(DISTORTED) We've got your
I can't hear a word
that you're saying.
I said: we have your owl.
Towel?
No, fucking forget it.
Postpone the wedding!
Or the owl gets it!
Just to be clear, we're not
actually killing the owl.
I'll kill you before
I'll kill the owl.
Argh. Oh sorry.
Excuse you.
You look like a man who
knows how to enjoy himself.
Ahah. You've got that right.
We're men of means,
men of the world,
what say we find ourselves
a couple of companions
for the rest of evening.
Unfortunately, Rory Yeah
those days are behind me. Oh.
I've met a wonderful woman
and I'm getting hitched.
Yeah, well, what the
eye doesn't see
the heart can't mourn.
(LAUGHS) No. No?
No, no, no.
What happens in Hawley
stays in Hawley.
Daphne's a fucking
catch. Is she?
Oh yeah, let me tell you.
Amazing in the bedroom.
What she can do with her tongue.
Yes must be laws against it.
(LAUGHS) (BURPS, GRIMACES)
So apart from the
occasional condom wank.
(SNIFFS) (RETCHES)
I'm a one woman man.
Have fun. (LAUGHS)
See yer.
Sorry lads. I tried everything,
but there's no chance
he's cheating on Mrs B.
He is smitten, this lad. We saw.
What is yo use all smiling
for? Look at his face.
Look at his little face.
You don't know, do you?
No. (LAUGHS)
Excellent work fella.
(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)
Yeah. Go Ashley.
(CHAMPAGNE POPS)
You got me my venue!
I hope you have the
most wonderful day.
Black Rebel Motorcycle
Club: Spread Your Love ♪
Release the hounds.
(GLASSES CLINK)
(TAPE WHIRRS)
Fabulous money making caper but
have you ever flown, COME FLY?
The people on that airline
it's like a Rochdale
nightclub at throwing out time,
hideously ugly people going
on hen do's and lads weekends.
Mick the builder, with his tats
and his big tit girlfriend.
They haven't got three
brain cells between them.
COME FLY: taking hideously
dumb chavs abroad since 1982.
(LAUGHING)
Stop! Stop!
Fly. Fly, fly, fly
A prominent PR mogul has resigned
today after making a series
of disparaging remarks about
the customers of one of
his biggest clients.
Earlier today, a private
conversation was published in
which Kenton Baldwin made a
series of shocking comments
about customers
('Spread Your Love' CONTINUES)
(FLAPPING)
(EXCITED CHATTER) (LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)
Hey up me duck, err
here I am, guess where?
Ireland. With me wife Carol,
she wants to show me where
she grew up, and err
She says we might even meet a
leprechaun if we're lucky
Oh yes, we'll probably
see some leprechauns.
But they'll probably be
cobbling their shoes.
Cobbling their little
boots. Or is it a joke.
Anyway I love you man and
err, don't die or anything.
Oh he's a fucking heart breaker.
(SOFT CHUCKLE)
What do you think then?
I think you've done a good job.
I am concerned your dad might not
approve with your career choices.
Oh fuck him. My dad's a cunt.
You have a lot more in common
with him, than you know.
God.
What the fuck
Urg Just I'm sorry,
hang on a minute. Be back.
Davey.
Not me Guvnor.
Davey, what the fuck
are you doing, man?
Now the name is
Alfred. Alfred Barnard.
(LOW, TENSE MUSIC)
How are you gonna afford this?
Therein lies a
very cunning plan.
Which involves me going
for a four days
(CHEERING) ..to Dusseldorf.
You are here for the bukkake.
Yeah right. Yeah. What's
the worst that can happen.
No no no no no.
You didn't take
the insurance? No.
(SCREAMING) (GAS HISSING)
You mention bukkake
one more fucking time.
Fingering fish again?