Brassic (2019) s07e02 Episode Script
Germany
1
Fucking state of that.
Honestly, you send them a perfectly good
passport photo, they send it you back
looking halfway between Pablo Escobar
and the local paedophile.
I think you look cute. I tell you what,
- if I was ten years younger
- Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth,
but we, A: have it on good authority
that you do in fact have a
how do we call it, cursed vagina?
- Bewitched.
- It's wise.
And B: I think it's highly inappropriate
for you to be flirting with me,
because I am to be your future manager.
Oh, dear God.
After the financial bloody
clusterfuck you made
of the Rat and Cutter,
you're now gonna buy this, are you?
Not buy it, Vincent, lease it.
And no, I haven't made
a fucking clusterfuck of it,
I've turned it around.
Now I've got me sights set on
(WHISTLES) ..this place.
And you're doing what you always do,
fucking bull at a shagging gate.
Just do one thing at a time, man.
Is exactly NOT the advice
of every great entrepreneur.
And I should know,
I watch a lot of Dragons Den.
Yeah, well get that fucking
jukebox fixed then.
- And get some bar snacks!
- Why is he always here?
Hey, when I was young,
this bloke used to
come round with a basket of fish
and we all used to say to him,
"Have you got crabs?"
(LAUGHTER)
You know, for a laugh!
What, the good old days, was it?
I had you in here enough times.
Well, I say "in here."
You were in the van in the car park
- with a packet of prawn cocktail crisps.
- Yeah, I know.
Seeing as I drove you home
on more than one occasion.
How are you gonna afford this,
when all your money's wrapped up
in the Rat and Cutter?
Well, therein lies a very cunning
plan, one which involves me
going for a four days to Dusseldorf
to meet Veronica,
my son's mother, and her
Drum roll please.
(DRUMMING)
..her very wealthy parents!
(ALL GROAN)
Yeah.
Why would Hans' German grandparents buy
- a fucking run-down pub in Hawley?
- I've asked Hans,
and it turns out his granddad
is an angel investor,
so all I've gotta do is
turn on me natural pizzazz,
and a few well-placed lies,
and kerching!
Liz Jones and her cursed fanny
are my new employees.
Why's it cursed?
Please can we not
talk about my mother's fanny?
It's dangerous. It's killed
several men, an't it love?
Listen.
Only eight men have died.
The other 53 are roaming around
quite happy, thank you.
- That number's gone up.
- Yeah, well, it will.
Hear, hear. Aren't any of them
ever died mid-pump?
- Just the one!
- What's it like, Dusseldorf?
Hotbed of filth and debauchery,
I've no doubt.
Oh, it's beautiful city.
Beautiful, yeah.
Famed for its iconic Rhine Tower.
Although I do have,
you know, a few contacts over there
in the debauchment industry,
and I will be frequenting those
for a days prior to
toddling off and meeting the parents.
Anyway! Love to chat, must fly.
And, er, as they say in Germany,
"Hasta la Vista, cunts."
Is Dusseldorf not in Spain?
NENA: 99 Luftballons ♪
(SINGING IN GERMAN)
(SNORTS)
(DRUM AND BASS MUSIC BLARING)
Agh!
(PHONE RINGING FAINTLY)
- Yup?
- RECEPTIONIST: Hello, Mr Schaffner?
- Speaking.
- There is a visitor here in reception
- wishing to see you.
- Visitor? Who is it?
He says his name is
Bernard Law Montgomery.
BARRETT STRONG: Money
(That's What I Want) ♪
The best things in life are free
But you can give them
to the birds and bees ♪
Ta-da! He-hey!
W-What in the name of Jesus H Fuck
are you doing here?
Hey, I got your hotel details
from Vinnie,
bought myself a cheap flight over.
Come Fly!
Absolutely fucking shite airline!
W-W-W-Why would you do that?
W-Why would you make
such a strange and fucking incorrect
- decision, you manky old pube?!
- Hey, hey.
We all nearly died that day,
Tommo, on that coach.
- You weren't even fucking on it!
- I was fucking on the tractor,
getting fucking dragged
to my untimely end!
Well, not that untimely, eh, Jim?
Right, come on! Off you fuck. Allez.
Hey, and I made a vow that day
that all the things I'd been
putting off had to get done.
- Right.
- Fucking carpe diem. Fucking bucket list!
Right, and what, you've always
dreamed of visiting Dusseldorf?
Is that the right pronunciation?
Dusseldorf?
(WHISPERS) Bukkake.
Buk I'm so sorry about this.
Sorry. Fuck.
- You say Bukkake?
- Yeah, yeah! Well, it's famous
for it over here, innit? All the
underground whatnots and that.
And YOU know all
the fucking right places.
Right. OK. (LAUGHS)
I ca I can't believe
this is happening to me.
Right. How do I put it? Jim,
fuck off, you manky old scrotum.
Get on the next fucking overcrowded,
shitty flight back home!
- There we go! Avanti! Bon jour.
- Hey, hey, hang on!
Some people wanna fucking skydive,
or-or they fucking go
to the Great Barrier Reef.
This is my Taj Mahal, Tommo.
My Great Wall of China.
(TENDER PIANO MUSIC)
Good luck to you. (CHUCKLES)
(SUITCASE THUDS)
Fine!
I'll just ask around then.
(TENDER MUSIC CONTINUES)
Fuck! Fucking hell! Fine.
Jim. I do know people. I do know places.
But listen to me. Right?
Mark my words. Are you marking me?
- Marking, marking.
- Heed me
- Heeding.
- Jim. Right?
When you have shot your mugly
little wad, that's us done.
Right? We're finished.
We are not I repeat, we are NO
on a mini break together.
Yeah, absolutely not, no.
BILDERBUCH: Spliff ♪
(SINGING IN GERMAN)
(GASPING) Wow, fucking hell.
Jesus Christ, Jim. You've got
crisps in your beard, love.
Fuck's sake! Fucking hell.
- Thomas.
- Mila!
Meine kleine Frauleina.
This is my friend, James.
I say "friend," I mean, err,
he's more of a rancid old farmer
who I'm only acquaintances with
because we grow weed under his land.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Charmed to meet you, Mila.
- Hi.
Fucking hell.
So, I understand you are here
for the bukkake?
That's right.
- OK, we do classic bukkake here.
- Oh.
- Three men, one woman, OK?
- OK.
And And (CLEARS THROAT)
what if I wanted to be on my knees?
Oh. Hmm, this is extra.
Do you have cash?
Oh, yeah. Got a few bob here.
I say, Jim. Fucking hell.
Guten Abend.
And we will be joined
by Anton and Dieter.
Don't be intimidated.
They're extremely large,
- but just follow their lead.
- Congratulations.
Yeah, right, yeah.
So, off we go.
Go on. Good luck and, err,
don't be too gross, eh?
Hmm.
Oops, sorry, mate.
Fucking hell. (CHUCKLES)
Ah! Guten outfit. Ah. Sehr gut.
(PHONE RINGS)
(DISTANT MOANING IN GERMAN)
- Dad, are you in Dusseldorf?
- Hans, son!
I am indeed. Yes, I'm, err
currently soaking up the cultural
highlights of this fine city.
Fucking hell.
Sorry, love. I've just seen a cathedral.
Do you want to meet at Grandma
and Grandpapa's house or before?
And Mummy can't wait to see you.
- Really?
- Oh, yes!
She says it will be strange
after all the years,
but also wunderbar.
They are doing dinner at 6:00PM.
Alright. Well, listen, I've got
a few things to clear up here first,
but ping me over the address.
I've got a hire car
so I suppose I can, err,
toodle ooohh, shit.
(CRYING)
Err, Hans, love,
I'll see you at 6:00, alright?
Fucking hell, Jim! Jim?!
The fuck have you done, you?!
- Me? Nothing!
- I said, I said, don't be too gross.
- Did I not say that?!
- I wasn't!
Alright, I mean,
we were just getting to it and
alright, I know I've got a bit
of an intense jack-off face.
- Oh, Christ.
- But she just started crying and
and fled!
Ask fucking Ant and Dec!
Shit on fire,
you miserable old cunt! Sake!
Mila, sweetheart, love, baby, angel.
Are you alright in there?
- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no. Don't you be sorry.
He is a mangy cunt
with a horrible jerk-off face.
Just come out here
and we can talk about it.
- Is she alright?
- Fucking dickhead.
Argh! Argh, fucking amo
Hey, I'm sorry if it was me.
- I mean, the last thing I wanted
- No, no, it wasn't you.
(SNIFFLES) You were a gentleman.
It's me.
I shouldn't have come to work tonight.
I'm just so worried.
- W-W-Why? What's happened?
- My brother, Otto.
He's in the hospital.
He had a heart attack.
- Oh, that's that's terrible.
- Not ideal.
I have his phone, and he keeps getting
these messages
from someone named Boseman.
Right, so that's all in German,
in't it, so
(CRIES)
He says, "We want the gear.
When and where? Don't ignore me!
Fucking call me,
or I'll find you, ass face."
Ass face, right, that's
that's a rare insult that, in't it?
So, what's what's he got
himself involved in?
Envelopes.
Why?
Well, Otto runs the local post office,
and since the legalisation of cannabis,
people come here to smoke, to party,
from the UK, France.
And many of them get the idea
to post drugs back home.
So they google "local post office."
Otto's is the first hit.
So they wander in, and ask
How much to post a letter
back to the UK?
So he tells them the price of a stamp.
Otto knows they're posting
weed, mushrooms,
then he throws them into
a special red "delivery bag."
Which he then brings home with him.
Because who is going
to make a complaint?
"Oh, my drugs never made it home."
- Fucking clever. Perfect crime.
- But then,
he didn't know what to do with them all.
- Hence, Boseman?
- Fuck me. There's
There's thousands
of fucking pounds' worth.
Maybe tens of thousands.
People pay 40, 50 euros for mushrooms,
even more for the strong ones.
But I can't get involved.
I don't want trouble with the police.
Ah, well, congratulations, Mila,
because we deal with this sort
of thing all the fucking time.
For a small remuneration,
i.e. a cut of the profits, we could
get some of the contents
of these envelopes,
to, err, Mr Boseman.
Herr Boseman, if you will.
Deutscher, very good.
Err, and, you know,
make the transaction.
You would do that for me?
Mila, of course. Me casa es su casa.
You can have the money. I don't need it.
50-50. Eh? Let's say that.
- 80-20.
- 60-40.
OK, I accept 60.
Ah, fucking well done.
- Thank you so much, Tommo.
- Bitte schon. (CHUCKLES)
If you meet them, you might
need someone who speaks German.
Do you know anyone?
Mila, would you believe it
I know just the man.
Here he fucking is, eh!
Listen, are you gonna be alright
with this? You won't tell your mum?
- It's just, err, our little secret.
- Yes, it is exciting.
- Oh, yes.
- Like a movie.
The illegal drop in a discreet location.
Oh, yes, well, listen.
That's how your father rolls.
It's wall-to-wall adventure
and intrigue, in't it? Oh, yes.
Yeah, except we're meeting them
round the back
of a large garden furniture warehouse.
Alright. On that note, avanti!
Let's go.
(CHUCKLES)
It's a quick in-and-out.
Stick to the plan
and we'll be sipping steins
on the Rhine.
Bob's yer fucking uncle.
Right.
Jim, you stay here with the gear,
me and Hans'll go and negotiate.
Yeah. I don't like this.
They've got nasty eyes.
They're probably gonna kill us
and dump our bodies in the Seine.
The Seine is in France.
You're missing the fucking point.
I am THIS close to achieving
a lifelong ambition,
and now I'm gonna get shot in the face
on some misguided
envelope-based fucking scam.
Jim, love, how do I put this gently?
Um, shut the fuck up,
you stupid old cunt!
Ah, Mr Boseman.
Wo ist Otto?
Tell him that, err, we are colleagues
and we have what he needs.
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
(REPEATS WORD)
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
(GRUNTS)
(IN GERMAN) Did Otto send Santa and his
two sidekicks to do the dirty work?
(IN GERMAN) Why is the
english Santa looking so tottery?
Post-Brexit-Weihnachtsmann.
(LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.
Yeah, what's he saying?
Erm, they say Otto sent Santa Claus,
I think they mean Jim,
and his two elves,
that's us, to do his deal for him.
OK.
And then they did a bunch
of follow-up stuff
which is German humour and won't
be funny to you.
OK. I see.
(IN GERMAN) What do these dwarfs want?
Now they are asking how much
you want for the gear.
Yes, right. We want 20,000 euro.
(TRANSLATES)
(BOTH LAUGH)
- 20,000 Euro?
- Yeah.
(IN GERMAN) Was Santa lookin
into the whisky bottle too early?
They say that Santa must be drunk
on all the whiskey if we want 20K.
(CONTINUES IN GERMAN)
We offer you a deal.
If you fill up our Christmas stocking
there will be 4000 € for you.
They will give us 4K if we agree
to fill their Christmas stockings.
Jesus Christ, fucking
gentle humour this, in't it?
Actually, tell 'em 15 grand
and that's me final offer.
- (in German) 15,000.
- (LAUGHTER)
Rude. Right, alright, ten grand,
- and that's as low as I'll go.
- (IN GERMAN) 10.
- (SPEAKS GERMAN)
- They say five.
Remind those cunts who won the war!
No, Jim. We're not going down
that route, thank you very much.
Alright, nine grand.
Nine grand, and that is it.
That is as low as I'll go
or may God strike Jim down.
(IN GERMAN) Nine. This is the best offer.
- (SPEAKS GERMAN)
- Eight.
- Fine, done.
- JIM: Fucking great.
Now let's get the dough
so we can get on with the bukkake.
Tell them we want to see the cash
before the drugs get handed over.
(IN GERMAN)
We want to see the money first. Please.
- (IN GERMAN) See the money.
- (IN GERMAN) Sure.
(IN GERMAN) But before that, I want
a selfie with Santa.
They want a photograph with Santa Claus.
You what? Are you for real?
Yes, they want to send it to a friend.
- Crikey. Alright, err go on.
- Hey. Hey.
Having a grey beard does not
make me Santa Claus.
- Oh. my God.
- Rasputin had a grey beard.
Fucking Fidel Castro
(GRUNTS) Get in that fucking selfie,
you cunt!
They're wearing disposable gloves!
Only killers wear disposable gloves.
Ah, well, I don't know,
maybe he's got a germ phobia.
Go on, get in the selfie, love.
There we go!
- Ja, schnell. Sehr gut!
- Fuckin' hell.
Ja, super cool.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
(IN GERMAN) Now one with everyone.
Come, come.
He says, "Now one with all of us in."
You joking? What?
OK!
(STARTS SINGING "STILLE NACHT")
- Ah, we're singing?
- (ALL SING)
Yeah, lovely!
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Argh!
Argh, Jesus! Fuckin' hell!
(GROANING)
- Hey!
- No, no, no, no!
(BOTH GRUNT)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(TYRES SKID)
The fucking hire car! No!
Fuck!
No!
My best shirt was in that suitcase.
And my tingly body rub.
And my corn plasters.
You honestly gonna go through
that old weird smorgasbord?
They've nicked off with our
fucking luggage, our passports,
and my fucking hire car,
that I didn't get insured!
- You didn't take the insurance?
- No.
- Would you like to take the insurance?
- Nah.
Four days in Dusseldorf,
what's the worst that can happen?
(ECHOING) 'Would you like
to take the insurance?'
- Fuck!
- We lost a car, but
we gained a jacket! Ah!
Stop it. I've not got time
for whimsey now, love.
Oh. What's this?
What is it? What-What-What is it?
"Br-Brauerei Schumann, 10:30"?
- That's a beer hall.
- That's a that's a fucking meet up!
- He's going there tonight!
- Unless it was last night
- and it was just still in his pocket.
- I swear to God, man.
But Dad, we have to go
to Grandma and Grandpapa's.
- Aaah.
- In fact
we need to be there in 22 minutes.
OK, OK. Hmm. Here's what we're gonna do.
We will go to the relatives,
have a bit of din dins, lovely.
Then early to bed, we sneak out
and retrieve what's rightfully ours.
- Brilliant. Call an Uber.
- Hang on a minute!
What about me getting what I came for?
Jim, read the fucking room.
Events have moved on.
So you're just gonna go off
to dinner and leave me here
in the middle of fucking nowhere?!
You can come with us.
As you say in England,
the more of the people,
the merrier the situation.
- Nice one! Yeah. Yeah.
- Dickhead.
It's Mummy.
This is a huge moment.
My mother and my father reunited
after so many years.
Alright, alright, I'm coming.
Words which, ironically,
led to your creation.
- Mummy!
- And that's what I said when I came.
- Hans.
- It's Daddy. Thomas.
Well, yes. It has been a very long time.
- Yes.
- Hello again.
Hello, Veronica.
You're looking well.
Very, err, Germanic.
With your hair like that and, err,
the roll neck and that, you know.
And you look very English.
- Thank you. I think.
- Who is this?
- This is Jim, a friend of Dad's.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
Good to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
Well, the 16-year-old you,
the one that liked cowgirl
on school trips.
Jim! Sorry about that.
Veronica, Hans!
- Papa!
- Hello!
Kinder.
(LAUGHTER)
So good to see you.
(LAUGHING)
(EXCITED SQUEALING)
Better have a drink first, eh?
Like being at the circus.
- Meine Liebe.
- HANS: Opa?
- Ja?
- Das ist mein Vater, Thomas.
- Vater.
- Und sein Freund, Jim.
Freund.
- Did you not bring any luggage?
- We had it stolen.
- I hope you have insurance.
- Hah.
GEORGE BAKER: Little Green Bag ♪
Fifty quid? Fuck that.
(INHALES)
What's the worst that could happen?
(SCREAMS)
Never mind.
I'll lend you some of my briefs.
- Let's go.
- Come!
Did he say briefs?
Thomas. Come. Hurry up. Schnell.
This is our sauna,
and I built it with my own hands.
Just as Gitta is preparing us
the most amazing feast,
and there's nothing more enticing
for the appetite than a
cold plunge.
- Oh.
- So, the secret is
complete submersion
all the way to your neck.
And you hold it for two minutes,
and not a second less.
Two Two min
Two full minutes? Right.
Now follow me.
(SPLASHING)
(GRUNTS)
- Yeah.
- Now you, come.
- OK.
- Off you go.
(CHUCKLES) Here goes nothing, eh?
Just, er, test the water,
as it WERE! Argh!
Oh, fuck me. Yes, no, that is
That's very, very cold actually.
Don't allow yourself to think about it.
Yes, no, I have thought about it
and the brain is very much saying,
"No, thank you!"
So I'm just gonna go sit in there.
Alright, count him in. Funf
ALL: Vier drei
zwei eins
Have I mentioned that
I do have a heart defect?
And so I'm a bit concerned this
might bring about a cardiac arrest.
Dear God!
(SPLASH)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, God.
Hey, reminds me of the Merchant Navy.
Except then we were all naked.
I'm fucking freezing!
I'm just gonna get some wine
for Uncle J.
Alright.
Oh, and get me some tampons, will you?
I told you, use a Moon Cup.
Fay, just get the tampons.
You get 'em. I'm not buying
shitty single-use plastic.
Weirdo.
("DON'T SWEAT THE TECHNIQUE"
PLAYS ON RADIO)
(SIGHS)
(SONG CONTINUES IN SHOP)
Excuse me, love.
Parked your way today.
In your dreams.
Don't sweat the technique
Alright, fucking go! Go! Fucking joking!
(ENGINE REVS)
Fuck's sake, Fay. You were meant
to go in for a bottle of wine.
- Well, an opportunity arose.
- Did you hit him then?
- Only gently.
- Fuck me!
Thought we were leaving
all this small-time shit behind.
And where are my fucking tampons, eh?
That guy in there was probably just
doing his fucking job, minimum wage,
probably get into all
kinds of trouble now.
It's not right, Ally.
You're asking me to compromise
my moral standpoint on these things.
Moral fucking standpoint?
As if you didn't just fucking
smash a guy in the face
for a couple of quid?
I fucking told you to use a Moon Cup.
Oh, fuck off.
- Danke schon.
- Bitte schon.
So (CHUCKLES)
Ernst, or, er,
perhaps now that we're related,
I could venture to call you "Papa."
- Keep it as Ernst.
- OK. As you wish.
Er, listen, about earlier,
er, the whole ice plunge situation,
I think we got off on the wrong foot,
didn't we? Because you see,
the whole great outdoors, it's not
really my natural environment.
You know, I'm more of a
nighttime economy guy.
You know, er, pubs, clubs,
bars where people can go
and find fun and friendship.
- Everyone to their own.
- Hmm. And you know, as it happens,
I do have a small portfolio
of venues in the UK,
er, but I'm ever looking to expand.
Hm. I see.
Mm. Hans helped me financially
to set up my flagship venue,
The Rat and Cutter,
and now I've got my little eye
on, er, another local bar,
very up-and-coming,
and I was wondering
if you might want to chat
investment opportunities.
You got my daughter pregnant.
Now let me ask the question:
Why do you think Veronica never told you
that you're Hans' father?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Because we met when we were very
young, and on a school exchange.
So it's one of them, innit?
(CHUCKLES)
She went through hell.
She was 16 years old
with a newborn child.
Couldn't go out with her friends.
Couldn't go on holidays.
She had to postpone college.
And why?
Because some English boy
was too cheap to buy prophylactics.
A fucking condom.
(CHUCKLES) Well,
it wasn't the expense as such,
you know
She didn't tell you
because she thought
you are a bad bet.
She thought your life
will be chaotic and failing.
Even though
she was physically attracted to you,
at that age,
she was smart enough,
even then, to realise
you're the kind of guy
that can't be relied upon.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Well, how wrong was she, eh?
Yeah. Was she?
I think of myself
as a good judge of character.
It comes with my line of work.
And I think Veronica,
my daughter, she is too.
- Right.
- Ernst, answer this for me.
I've always wanted to know.
What's with the fucking umlaut?
- (LAUGHING)
- Huh?
Oh, my God, this is
(DIALOGUE DISTORTS) (TENDER MUSIC)
Look, there's something
I didn't tell you about my uncle.
Hmm, and you thought you'd wait
'til you got to the door, did ya?
It's not a big deal. It's just,
he doesn't look like you'd expect.
- Right?
- How do you mean?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
There is plenty of space.
The bathroom is just outside.
And, er,
I will bring you some towels.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
WAYNE NEWTON: Danke Schon ♪
Thank you for all the joy and pain
The fuck you doing here, Jim?
You can't stay the night.
As soon as we've got that gear,
you're fucking off to your hotel.
What hotel?
- What do you mean, what hotel?
- Well, I didn't book one.
I just thought I'd sort it once
I got here.
Who the fuck does that?
I thought you might have
a spare bed in your room.
- Why Why would I have
- There you go.
- Oh.
- Speak if you need anything else.
We are only upstairs.
I want that fucking bukkake, Tommo.
And I'm not going home until it's done.
Your actions
are not the actions of a reasonable man!
What a mess
Danke schon ♪
It's like Morecambe and Wise,
this, innit?
Two grown men sharing a room.
Separate beds. Simpler time, you see.
He said he'd give us a signal
when they went to bed. Where is he?
No one thought anything of it back then.
Is this the same halcyon age when
Jim Davidson were doing Chalky White
and Benny Hill were chasing
scantily clad women
round the grounds of stately homes?
Oh, go on. That's right.
- Sully it with your woke agenda.
- Oh, fuck me.
Everyone's fucking offended nowadays.
- It's got so you can't say anything.
- Oh, my God.
When we were kids,
you got given a nickname,
you just got on with it.
When I was young,
people used to call me "Pig Shit Jimmy,"
cos I lived on farm.
And it hasn't done me
any harm, has it, eh? Eh?
I'm not so sure about that, love.
(SLOW MEDITATION MUSIC PLAYS)
(INHALES)
Ein
(DOOR OPENS)
..und aus.
Ein (INHALES)
(MOUTHING SILENTLY)
..und aus. (EXHALES)
Immer im Rhythmus.
(UPBEAT, SNEAKY MUSIC)
Jim, get your fucking shoes on.
We're going without him.
(CAR LOCK BEEPS)
(CHUCKLES)
(BAND PLAYING CHEERFUL MUSIC)
Prost!
ALL: Prost!
Oh, hello.
Someone's been on the Jaegarbombs.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Keep your eyes peeled, Jim.
You remember what he looks like?
Hey. A fucking memory of a fox, me.
Do foxes have good memories?
Well, if they haven't,
why would I have said it?
(CROWD CHEERS)
(IN GERMAN)
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the
biggest Drink-Walk competition in Dusseldorf
(CROWD CHEERS)
Oh, right. Yes. Yes!
(IN GERMAN) You can now
register at the stage
Prost!
(ALL CHEER)
What the fuck's going on here?
What's going on, pal?
Es ist ein Drink-Walk-Wettbewerb.
- Sprechen Sie English?
- Nein!
(SCOFFS)
You don't speak fucking English?
- He's a rude man.
- Him? Oh, yeah, he's fucking awful.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, well spotted.
Erm, sorry,
what the fuck is going on here?
It is a famous drink-walk competition.
Everyone has put in five euro and the
winner gets to keep the pot of money.
Eh, what, cash prize?
- Fuck it, I'm getting involved.
- Hm?
What? No, no, Jim, Jim, no!
(CHEERFUL MUSIC CONTINUES)
(CROWD CHEERS)
Ah, fucking hell.
Stale.
- I couldn't get away.
- I know, I saw.
- You took granddad's car.
- Yeah. He hasn't noticed, has he?
No, he went to bed, but he won't
be happy if he finds out.
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
A drink-slash-walk competition.
How fantastic.
Fucking have it.
- Yes, Jim!
- Twat.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
- There's the man.
- What? Jacket man?
- Yeah. It's definitely him.
- It is him and all, yeah!
Right, we've got him. He's trapped.
Los!
(CROWD CHEERS)
Ah, we've got you now, you cunt.
ANNOUNCER: (LAUGHING) Wow. Oh!
Hey! Ja!
Oh! (SPEAKS GERMAN)
(CROWD JEERS)
OK. OK.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Ya-hey! Fucking hell!
(CONTINUES IN GERMAN)
(LAUGHING) Ja!
- Genau! Schneller!
- HANS: Yes, Jim!
Ja!
Fuck off! One nil to me, pal.
- Scheisser!
- Fuck off!
Dickhead!
(BOTH GRUNT)
Fuckin' hell.
Shit, he's gone! What?
Fuckin' bomber jacket's gone!
He's given us the fucking slip!
Jesus Christ.
(JIM GRUNTING)
Right. Got you now.
Oh, fucking hell.
(DOOR SHUTS)
No, no, no, no, no, no! It's locked!
- It's fucking locked!
- No, there's a door release button.
Oh, right, yeah.
It's the back car park.
(CAR LOCK BEEPS)
Oh, there! It's me fucking hire car!
He's leaving.
Not if we fucking
block the way, he's not!
(ENGINE REVS)
(TYRES SCREECH)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Checkmate.
Why's he just staring at us?
(TYRES SCREECH)
No, no, no, no, no!
(BOTH YELL)
Grandad's car!
Me fucking hire car!
Why won't it fucking move?!
(TYRES SCREECH)
Would you like to take the insurance?
(ENGINE REVS)
No, no, no, no! Not again!
(CAR SLAMS)
Agh!
Four days in Dusseldorf.
What's the worst that could happen?
(GROANS)
(TYRES SCREECH)
- I have an idea.
- What? No, no, no, no!
Fucking hell!
THE REVEREND HORTON HEAT:
Psychobilly Freakout ♪
(ENGINE REVS)
(GRUNTS)
(GLASS CRACKS)
(CAR CRASHES)
Ooh, that's not good.
(GROANING SOFTLY)
Oh, he's alive. Thank God.
Mate? No. Right, tell you what.
I'm having that. (CHUCKLES)
Deutschland! Like father, like son.
Right, you check the boot.
- Nothing back here.
- Oh, jackpot!
His mobile telephone. (LAUGHS)
Let's get this cunt into our car.
- Are we taking him to the hospital?
- No, are we fuck.
No, this bastard's a bargaining chip.
- Is it chip or is it chit?
- Dad, I don't like this.
I-I think I might be out of my depth.
- I can't take a man hostage.
- Look, love, you're only a hostage
if you're being held against your will.
And he's gagging to come with us,
aren't you, mate?
(SNORING)
(DOOR SHUTS)
Get me the fuck out of here!
They're all fucking psychos!
There we go. How do you like that,
you great German shit?
Right, here is the plan.
We bell Boseman up off laddo's phone,
Boseman's gonna pick up the phone,
cos he thinks it's one of his guys,
and we're gonna say to him,
or rather you're gonna say to him
because you speak German,
"You're not getting your lad back
until we get
A: our passports, B: our luggage
and C: the fucking gear
that he stole from us!"
- Yar!
- I can't do that.
What? No, no, darling.
If we don't get our passports back,
we can't go home.
As much as you might be the nation
who invented socks and sandals,
you do not deserve
a crusty old racist farmer.
Fine! Give me the telephone.
- Yeah.
- But I want to do it my way.
- With politeness.
- Good for you.
- Good lad. Nice.
- Politeness?
Are you fucking sure he's your kid?
Says the man with the super
smart lesbian daughter.
Lesbian? As in?
She's a fucking lesbian.
She sleeps with women.
What do you think I'm
- Oh, my God, did you not know that?!
- You're saying that my Ally
- is a fucking doughnut bumper?
- Jim, honestly,
as much as it might be difficult for
you to get your head round the fact
you have spawned a homosexual,
maybe you should be grateful.
Cos she's a lovely
young woman, in't she?
This is her fucking mother, this.
I told her not to introduce her
to fucking hockey! All them young girls,
short skirts, big wooden fucking sticks!
I worry about your world view.
I really do, Jim.
Hey, look. There's a place here,
half a mile away.
Look, it says catering
for "all erotic desires."
Jesus Christ, Jim. If you mention
bukkake one more fucking time!
You fucking promised you'd help me.
No, no, no, no.
Factually inaccurate that.
What I seem to recall happening,
is you following me
to a foreign nation,
like a fucking sex dementor.
What did he say, love?
He said you can keep him.
- What?
- The man in the back.
He said, "I don't care. Keep him."
Fucking hell!
Fucking Argh! Fuck you, Germany!
Halle-fucking-lujah. (GRUNTS)
Fill your boots!
Actually, don't fill your boots.
Wish I'd not said that.
It's a horrible image.
Grandad isn't going to be
very happy about the car.
Oh, that's a fucking understatement.
But to be honest, love,
I reckon your grandad's opinion of me
wasn't that high to begin with.
- What makes you say that?
- Hmm?
Oh, call it a hunch.
And your mum, fucking hell.
She were a bit, err cool.
Frosty, ice cold, you know?
Mum is the sort of person who keeps
her emotions inside herself.
Hmm.
She will have been nervous
about seeing you again, I think.
I suppose I'm just
a stranger to her, aren't I?
I'm just, err, someone she had a
youthful fling with many moons ago.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Is what it is, sweetheart.
Is it just me or does it seem very
much like those two men over there
are heading this way
with rather large sledgehammers?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
They are definitely coming
in this direction.
I mean, no one knows we're here.
No one's followed us.
So they can't be here for
..us.
Release Lukas.
- How the fuck do they know he's here?!
- Release him now.
- Dad, this is scary.
- No, no, no, sweetheart.
They're trying to frighten us,
aren't they? Er, I'll handle this.
(CLEARS THROAT) Um, Guten Abend!
- Guten Abend.
- Er, ja.
Er, den sledgehammer
How do you say,
"Put down the sledgehammer?"
Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
(REPEATS PHRASE)
Just speak English. Your German
is worse than a three-year-old.
Listen, right,
I've told Boseman we'll release him
when we get our passports
and the gear you stole!
Now, or we fuck up your car more.
It's not my car,
it's my son's grandad's, so
Your son's grandad? So not your
father, but your wife's father?
No, she's not my wife, actually, either.
In fact, I barely even know her.
We had a brief sexual encounter
- two decades ago.
- And you didn't use protection?
- Fucking hell.
- How did you find us?
Find My Phone app.
- Fucking hell!
- Of course. Everyone has this.
(HONKS HORN) Ugh.
No, right, listen. Listen, right?
We had a fair deal, hmm?
And Boseman shafted us
right up the arsehole!
And-And this dickhead in the back,
- he's written off me hire car.
- Didn't take the insurance?
No, I did not!
Look, I am going to count to three,
and then you release Lukas.
You'll do as you fucking like, love.
We're not giving him back,
- until we get what's rightfully ours.
- Eins.
- We have to let him go.
- They're bluffing.
- Zwei.
- I don't think they're bluffing.
Course they are!
In front of the car, aren't they?
- I'll run 'em over.
- Don't run them over.
Drei.
See, what did I say? Bluffing.
(BOTH YELL)
(HAMMERS POUNDING)
Fucking
Start the car, drive away!
- Where's Jim?!
- They're gonna kill us!
(WAILS)
Don't do that. Do not do that!
No, fuck off! Argh!
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh, fucking hell!
No, no, no. Don't you Fucking no.
- He's opening the doors!
- No, he's not.
Fuck! He's got me!
(GRUNTING)
Open the fucking car door or
we slash your granddaddy's tyres!
(TEETH CLENCH)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Agh! No, no!
No! No!
JIM: That's enough!
Step away from the fucking vehicle!
(EXTINGUISHER HISSES)
Yeah! Fucking hell.
- Unlock the door!
- Come on, Jim.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(TYRES SCREECH)
- What if they follow us?
- Oh, throw the phone out the window.
- Throw the phone out the window!
- Or I could turn off Find My Phone.
- Yeah, yeah, no, do that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you for saving us.
- Did you do the deed? Eh?
The deed, have you done the deed?
- Is the deed done?
- No, it fucking isn't!
And what you doing with him in the back?
We can't take him back
to my grandparents house.
Explaining the car is
going to be bad enough
- without a hostage in the boot.
- He's not a hostage!
He's free to go at any time.
Well, Uncle J took a shine to you,
told me in the kitchen.
Said you were a keeper.
Yeah, bet he did.
(SCOFFS)
Fuck off.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
And he said he'd get us some work.
Yeah, what kind of work?
Dunno, like
I dunno, but we can trust him.
It'll be good.
- Mm.
- Now then,
admit it.
How sexy did you find
me robbing that shop?
(CHUCKLES) Come on.
- You know you did.
- Did not.
- You did.
- Did not.
You loved it.
JULIA JACKLIN: Someday ♪
VINNIE: Davey?
Liz says you're up here. Is that right?
Davey?
(KNOCKS)
Davey, love?
I've told you,
the name's Alfred Barnard.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Of course you're stood right there.
Bloody terrifying. Stop!
Stop being Alfred Barnyard
for a minute. I know it's you.
Oi. Liz has told me
that you've demanded
to move in here a little bit.
- Demanded?
- Why are you still doing the voice?!
Listen, she told me that you're
like a crazy woman in an attic.
Are you listening?
The only time she ever sees you
is when you want sustenance,
and to the best of her knowledge,
you been in this fucking room for
three bloody weeks. Is that true?
She likes to talk,
doesn't she, Miss Jones?
Yeah, but listen,
I'm worried about you, Davey.
I've stayed in the Crow's Nest
before, it fucking sucks!
Did you know that that television
console has only got Freeview.
- Right.
- I've spent my days
watching re-runs of A Place in The Sun.
Ooh.
One couple wanted
to sell their house in Burnley
and relocate to Fuerteventura.
Imagine the idiocy.
What's going on?
What the fuck's happened?
Somebody made it abundantly clear
that they wanted me dead.
I can smell your balls from here.
I'm sorry, dude.
You haven't been showering.
I had a flannel wash this morning,
thank you very much.
Come on. We're going for a drive
and you can tell me what's gone on.
Donna had scurried off back to Liverpool
with her tail between her legs,
and I was feeling very proud of myself.
McCann dead,
me in Manolito's mansion
ruling the roost.
I was the king of the fucking world.
And then one night
I woke up
and I could feel something wet
in the bed alongside me.
And I was thinking,
"What on earth can that be?
I'm alone in bed.
What could be wet down there?"
(GROANS)
Well, fucking 'ell, what was it?
You've seen the Godfather,
I assume, with the horse's head?
You're jokin'. Wasn't a fuckin'
Was it that?
No.
(GROANS)
Worse.
- Your Donna?
- No!
I wouldn't give a shit about that.
No. It was
(GROANING)
(SCREAMS)
Ooh! Oh, fuck me, the exotic zoo!
- Yes, correct, Vincent.
- Shit.
There was a note, telling me
if I didn't leave that evening,
then it would be my head
in my mother's bed.
- Shit.
- Shit indeed, sweetheart.
And I'm not ashamed to say it,
it shook me.
Do you know who it was?
Was that cross-dressing cunt, Kittens.
- Ah.
- Revenge for McCann.
And why did I get McCann killed, hmm?
For you. To help you.
And now look. Comes back to haunt me.
Well, I mean, it suited you
down to the fucking ground,
- didn't it and all? Him being dead.
- Shhh.
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
What's that?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
- That's Demis Roussos.
- Who the fuck's that?
Demis Roussos.
It's my mother's favourite.
Who the fuck did you tell we were here?
I haven't told anyone we're up here,
you fucking nutcase.
Calm down. Jesus, what's wrong with ya?
This is how it ends.
On a cold, lonely road!
With you by my side.
- Quick! We better run!
- It's a man on his way home.
- It's just a random dickhead.
- Run now, Vincent! Vincent, quick!
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Hans, get inside.
And you, in!
Where have you been?
Er, that is a
very long story.
Leading my boy astray?
What are you doing here, Tommo?
Why did you come here?
I sometimes wish he had never found you.
He should have left
the past in the past.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Pretend I don't exist?
It's alright, love. He, erm
Your dad Your dad let
the cat out of the bag.
Why you didn't want
to let me know that I had a son.
He, er yeah.
What did he say?
He said, erm
Do you know, right, when
when you're me, right,
when when you grew up
like I grew up
shit parents, bounced around
from care home to care home,
people have a certain way
of looking at you.
They don't have high hopes for you.
And, erm
you know, you go to school
and careers and all that,
and they do the same thing.
And they You got the best
condescending pat on the back,
but they tell you basically,
"You are fucking nothing.
You're nothing.
And yeah, you're always
gonna be nothing."
Right? And so you have
to just sort of either
fall in line without thinking,
or, like, fight back, you know.
Fight to
prove yourself,
to prove those dickheads wrong.
But it fo it follows you,
erm, and
and, you know,
people looking down on you
and thinking that you're nothing,
you're worthless and you're shit,
follows you around. (CHOKES UP)
I've fucking tried, man.
I have fought really hard, right, to
And I'll keep fighting now for him,
for my lad, and for
Just to prove to your dad,
and the fucking 16-year-old you
that I'm not shit actually,
and that I can make
something of my life.
Hey.
I didn't tell you
I was pregnant because
I was scared you'd reject me.
I felt like I loved you
and I wanted to have your child, but
I was scared you'd tell me
to get rid of it.
I thought about you so much
over the years,
and I did want to tell you, but
weeks turned to months and
I'm glad you
I'm glad you didn't get rid of him,
because he is the best thing
in my whole life.
Sorry, fucking hell.
And you, you've done a fantastic job.
You really have.
I'm sorry for all this mad shit
that I've fucking got him into now!
You are both back safe, and
apart from the state
of my father's car,
hopefully it's all done
and dealt with now.
It is. Yeah, it is.
(MUFFLED WAILING, BANGING)
Except for the fella
tied up in the boot.
DIE HOCHSTE EISENBAHN:
Was Machst Du Dann ♪
(SINGING IN GERMAN)
I'm sure you have done worse.
I hope your car insurance
fucks you and your shit car,
you damned arseholes!
(TOMMO GRUNTING)
Fucking hell.
(EXHALES)
Joy riders, innit?
Fucking joy riders.
We'll say we went for an early walk,
and when we came back,
Daddy's car was gone.
Must have been stolen in the night.
Veronica, you are a fucking angel.
An angel in woman form. And, er,
speaking of which, I, er
I hear that your father
is an angel investor.
I was wondering if, you know,
maybe if I get in my briefs again,
if you might be able to facilitate
a business discussion.
Let's see what we can do.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh!
- Good morning!
- Oh, good morning, Gitta.
Just recovering from last night.
Fucking hell.
Oh!
How would you like to start
the day off in the sauna?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.
Not sure about that.
I think you'll find it invigorating.
Come on.
Err, OK.
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
We heard what you said.
What you are looking for.
BILDERBUCH: Maschin ♪
We are very open-minded people.
Sexually.
F-Fuck's sake.
I negotiated with Boseman.
He now has membership to my club.
Mila, you are an absolute
fucking superstar.
State of this car though, eh? Christ.
You took the insurance?
SIR JOE QUARTERMAN:
(I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind ♪
- What do you mean, go back to school?
- It's a school reunion.
Let's get smashed!
- Meet me in the science lab.
- Ooh!
That body was destined to be in
a leotard, on a stage, Ashley.
You look like you wanna hit me.
Fuck off!
I was bullied here too. I could
get TJ and you could get mine.
I think our Ronnie is about
to do something really stupid.
ALL: What the fuck?
Sub extracted from file & improved by
I got so much trouble in my mind
I got so much trouble in my mind
I got so much trouble in my mind
Give me the strength to carry on
Give me the strength to carry on ♪
Fucking state of that.
Honestly, you send them a perfectly good
passport photo, they send it you back
looking halfway between Pablo Escobar
and the local paedophile.
I think you look cute. I tell you what,
- if I was ten years younger
- Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth,
but we, A: have it on good authority
that you do in fact have a
how do we call it, cursed vagina?
- Bewitched.
- It's wise.
And B: I think it's highly inappropriate
for you to be flirting with me,
because I am to be your future manager.
Oh, dear God.
After the financial bloody
clusterfuck you made
of the Rat and Cutter,
you're now gonna buy this, are you?
Not buy it, Vincent, lease it.
And no, I haven't made
a fucking clusterfuck of it,
I've turned it around.
Now I've got me sights set on
(WHISTLES) ..this place.
And you're doing what you always do,
fucking bull at a shagging gate.
Just do one thing at a time, man.
Is exactly NOT the advice
of every great entrepreneur.
And I should know,
I watch a lot of Dragons Den.
Yeah, well get that fucking
jukebox fixed then.
- And get some bar snacks!
- Why is he always here?
Hey, when I was young,
this bloke used to
come round with a basket of fish
and we all used to say to him,
"Have you got crabs?"
(LAUGHTER)
You know, for a laugh!
What, the good old days, was it?
I had you in here enough times.
Well, I say "in here."
You were in the van in the car park
- with a packet of prawn cocktail crisps.
- Yeah, I know.
Seeing as I drove you home
on more than one occasion.
How are you gonna afford this,
when all your money's wrapped up
in the Rat and Cutter?
Well, therein lies a very cunning
plan, one which involves me
going for a four days to Dusseldorf
to meet Veronica,
my son's mother, and her
Drum roll please.
(DRUMMING)
..her very wealthy parents!
(ALL GROAN)
Yeah.
Why would Hans' German grandparents buy
- a fucking run-down pub in Hawley?
- I've asked Hans,
and it turns out his granddad
is an angel investor,
so all I've gotta do is
turn on me natural pizzazz,
and a few well-placed lies,
and kerching!
Liz Jones and her cursed fanny
are my new employees.
Why's it cursed?
Please can we not
talk about my mother's fanny?
It's dangerous. It's killed
several men, an't it love?
Listen.
Only eight men have died.
The other 53 are roaming around
quite happy, thank you.
- That number's gone up.
- Yeah, well, it will.
Hear, hear. Aren't any of them
ever died mid-pump?
- Just the one!
- What's it like, Dusseldorf?
Hotbed of filth and debauchery,
I've no doubt.
Oh, it's beautiful city.
Beautiful, yeah.
Famed for its iconic Rhine Tower.
Although I do have,
you know, a few contacts over there
in the debauchment industry,
and I will be frequenting those
for a days prior to
toddling off and meeting the parents.
Anyway! Love to chat, must fly.
And, er, as they say in Germany,
"Hasta la Vista, cunts."
Is Dusseldorf not in Spain?
NENA: 99 Luftballons ♪
(SINGING IN GERMAN)
(SNORTS)
(DRUM AND BASS MUSIC BLARING)
Agh!
(PHONE RINGING FAINTLY)
- Yup?
- RECEPTIONIST: Hello, Mr Schaffner?
- Speaking.
- There is a visitor here in reception
- wishing to see you.
- Visitor? Who is it?
He says his name is
Bernard Law Montgomery.
BARRETT STRONG: Money
(That's What I Want) ♪
The best things in life are free
But you can give them
to the birds and bees ♪
Ta-da! He-hey!
W-What in the name of Jesus H Fuck
are you doing here?
Hey, I got your hotel details
from Vinnie,
bought myself a cheap flight over.
Come Fly!
Absolutely fucking shite airline!
W-W-W-Why would you do that?
W-Why would you make
such a strange and fucking incorrect
- decision, you manky old pube?!
- Hey, hey.
We all nearly died that day,
Tommo, on that coach.
- You weren't even fucking on it!
- I was fucking on the tractor,
getting fucking dragged
to my untimely end!
Well, not that untimely, eh, Jim?
Right, come on! Off you fuck. Allez.
Hey, and I made a vow that day
that all the things I'd been
putting off had to get done.
- Right.
- Fucking carpe diem. Fucking bucket list!
Right, and what, you've always
dreamed of visiting Dusseldorf?
Is that the right pronunciation?
Dusseldorf?
(WHISPERS) Bukkake.
Buk I'm so sorry about this.
Sorry. Fuck.
- You say Bukkake?
- Yeah, yeah! Well, it's famous
for it over here, innit? All the
underground whatnots and that.
And YOU know all
the fucking right places.
Right. OK. (LAUGHS)
I ca I can't believe
this is happening to me.
Right. How do I put it? Jim,
fuck off, you manky old scrotum.
Get on the next fucking overcrowded,
shitty flight back home!
- There we go! Avanti! Bon jour.
- Hey, hey, hang on!
Some people wanna fucking skydive,
or-or they fucking go
to the Great Barrier Reef.
This is my Taj Mahal, Tommo.
My Great Wall of China.
(TENDER PIANO MUSIC)
Good luck to you. (CHUCKLES)
(SUITCASE THUDS)
Fine!
I'll just ask around then.
(TENDER MUSIC CONTINUES)
Fuck! Fucking hell! Fine.
Jim. I do know people. I do know places.
But listen to me. Right?
Mark my words. Are you marking me?
- Marking, marking.
- Heed me
- Heeding.
- Jim. Right?
When you have shot your mugly
little wad, that's us done.
Right? We're finished.
We are not I repeat, we are NO
on a mini break together.
Yeah, absolutely not, no.
BILDERBUCH: Spliff ♪
(SINGING IN GERMAN)
(GASPING) Wow, fucking hell.
Jesus Christ, Jim. You've got
crisps in your beard, love.
Fuck's sake! Fucking hell.
- Thomas.
- Mila!
Meine kleine Frauleina.
This is my friend, James.
I say "friend," I mean, err,
he's more of a rancid old farmer
who I'm only acquaintances with
because we grow weed under his land.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Charmed to meet you, Mila.
- Hi.
Fucking hell.
So, I understand you are here
for the bukkake?
That's right.
- OK, we do classic bukkake here.
- Oh.
- Three men, one woman, OK?
- OK.
And And (CLEARS THROAT)
what if I wanted to be on my knees?
Oh. Hmm, this is extra.
Do you have cash?
Oh, yeah. Got a few bob here.
I say, Jim. Fucking hell.
Guten Abend.
And we will be joined
by Anton and Dieter.
Don't be intimidated.
They're extremely large,
- but just follow their lead.
- Congratulations.
Yeah, right, yeah.
So, off we go.
Go on. Good luck and, err,
don't be too gross, eh?
Hmm.
Oops, sorry, mate.
Fucking hell. (CHUCKLES)
Ah! Guten outfit. Ah. Sehr gut.
(PHONE RINGS)
(DISTANT MOANING IN GERMAN)
- Dad, are you in Dusseldorf?
- Hans, son!
I am indeed. Yes, I'm, err
currently soaking up the cultural
highlights of this fine city.
Fucking hell.
Sorry, love. I've just seen a cathedral.
Do you want to meet at Grandma
and Grandpapa's house or before?
And Mummy can't wait to see you.
- Really?
- Oh, yes!
She says it will be strange
after all the years,
but also wunderbar.
They are doing dinner at 6:00PM.
Alright. Well, listen, I've got
a few things to clear up here first,
but ping me over the address.
I've got a hire car
so I suppose I can, err,
toodle ooohh, shit.
(CRYING)
Err, Hans, love,
I'll see you at 6:00, alright?
Fucking hell, Jim! Jim?!
The fuck have you done, you?!
- Me? Nothing!
- I said, I said, don't be too gross.
- Did I not say that?!
- I wasn't!
Alright, I mean,
we were just getting to it and
alright, I know I've got a bit
of an intense jack-off face.
- Oh, Christ.
- But she just started crying and
and fled!
Ask fucking Ant and Dec!
Shit on fire,
you miserable old cunt! Sake!
Mila, sweetheart, love, baby, angel.
Are you alright in there?
- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no. Don't you be sorry.
He is a mangy cunt
with a horrible jerk-off face.
Just come out here
and we can talk about it.
- Is she alright?
- Fucking dickhead.
Argh! Argh, fucking amo
Hey, I'm sorry if it was me.
- I mean, the last thing I wanted
- No, no, it wasn't you.
(SNIFFLES) You were a gentleman.
It's me.
I shouldn't have come to work tonight.
I'm just so worried.
- W-W-Why? What's happened?
- My brother, Otto.
He's in the hospital.
He had a heart attack.
- Oh, that's that's terrible.
- Not ideal.
I have his phone, and he keeps getting
these messages
from someone named Boseman.
Right, so that's all in German,
in't it, so
(CRIES)
He says, "We want the gear.
When and where? Don't ignore me!
Fucking call me,
or I'll find you, ass face."
Ass face, right, that's
that's a rare insult that, in't it?
So, what's what's he got
himself involved in?
Envelopes.
Why?
Well, Otto runs the local post office,
and since the legalisation of cannabis,
people come here to smoke, to party,
from the UK, France.
And many of them get the idea
to post drugs back home.
So they google "local post office."
Otto's is the first hit.
So they wander in, and ask
How much to post a letter
back to the UK?
So he tells them the price of a stamp.
Otto knows they're posting
weed, mushrooms,
then he throws them into
a special red "delivery bag."
Which he then brings home with him.
Because who is going
to make a complaint?
"Oh, my drugs never made it home."
- Fucking clever. Perfect crime.
- But then,
he didn't know what to do with them all.
- Hence, Boseman?
- Fuck me. There's
There's thousands
of fucking pounds' worth.
Maybe tens of thousands.
People pay 40, 50 euros for mushrooms,
even more for the strong ones.
But I can't get involved.
I don't want trouble with the police.
Ah, well, congratulations, Mila,
because we deal with this sort
of thing all the fucking time.
For a small remuneration,
i.e. a cut of the profits, we could
get some of the contents
of these envelopes,
to, err, Mr Boseman.
Herr Boseman, if you will.
Deutscher, very good.
Err, and, you know,
make the transaction.
You would do that for me?
Mila, of course. Me casa es su casa.
You can have the money. I don't need it.
50-50. Eh? Let's say that.
- 80-20.
- 60-40.
OK, I accept 60.
Ah, fucking well done.
- Thank you so much, Tommo.
- Bitte schon. (CHUCKLES)
If you meet them, you might
need someone who speaks German.
Do you know anyone?
Mila, would you believe it
I know just the man.
Here he fucking is, eh!
Listen, are you gonna be alright
with this? You won't tell your mum?
- It's just, err, our little secret.
- Yes, it is exciting.
- Oh, yes.
- Like a movie.
The illegal drop in a discreet location.
Oh, yes, well, listen.
That's how your father rolls.
It's wall-to-wall adventure
and intrigue, in't it? Oh, yes.
Yeah, except we're meeting them
round the back
of a large garden furniture warehouse.
Alright. On that note, avanti!
Let's go.
(CHUCKLES)
It's a quick in-and-out.
Stick to the plan
and we'll be sipping steins
on the Rhine.
Bob's yer fucking uncle.
Right.
Jim, you stay here with the gear,
me and Hans'll go and negotiate.
Yeah. I don't like this.
They've got nasty eyes.
They're probably gonna kill us
and dump our bodies in the Seine.
The Seine is in France.
You're missing the fucking point.
I am THIS close to achieving
a lifelong ambition,
and now I'm gonna get shot in the face
on some misguided
envelope-based fucking scam.
Jim, love, how do I put this gently?
Um, shut the fuck up,
you stupid old cunt!
Ah, Mr Boseman.
Wo ist Otto?
Tell him that, err, we are colleagues
and we have what he needs.
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
(REPEATS WORD)
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
(GRUNTS)
(IN GERMAN) Did Otto send Santa and his
two sidekicks to do the dirty work?
(IN GERMAN) Why is the
english Santa looking so tottery?
Post-Brexit-Weihnachtsmann.
(LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.
Yeah, what's he saying?
Erm, they say Otto sent Santa Claus,
I think they mean Jim,
and his two elves,
that's us, to do his deal for him.
OK.
And then they did a bunch
of follow-up stuff
which is German humour and won't
be funny to you.
OK. I see.
(IN GERMAN) What do these dwarfs want?
Now they are asking how much
you want for the gear.
Yes, right. We want 20,000 euro.
(TRANSLATES)
(BOTH LAUGH)
- 20,000 Euro?
- Yeah.
(IN GERMAN) Was Santa lookin
into the whisky bottle too early?
They say that Santa must be drunk
on all the whiskey if we want 20K.
(CONTINUES IN GERMAN)
We offer you a deal.
If you fill up our Christmas stocking
there will be 4000 € for you.
They will give us 4K if we agree
to fill their Christmas stockings.
Jesus Christ, fucking
gentle humour this, in't it?
Actually, tell 'em 15 grand
and that's me final offer.
- (in German) 15,000.
- (LAUGHTER)
Rude. Right, alright, ten grand,
- and that's as low as I'll go.
- (IN GERMAN) 10.
- (SPEAKS GERMAN)
- They say five.
Remind those cunts who won the war!
No, Jim. We're not going down
that route, thank you very much.
Alright, nine grand.
Nine grand, and that is it.
That is as low as I'll go
or may God strike Jim down.
(IN GERMAN) Nine. This is the best offer.
- (SPEAKS GERMAN)
- Eight.
- Fine, done.
- JIM: Fucking great.
Now let's get the dough
so we can get on with the bukkake.
Tell them we want to see the cash
before the drugs get handed over.
(IN GERMAN)
We want to see the money first. Please.
- (IN GERMAN) See the money.
- (IN GERMAN) Sure.
(IN GERMAN) But before that, I want
a selfie with Santa.
They want a photograph with Santa Claus.
You what? Are you for real?
Yes, they want to send it to a friend.
- Crikey. Alright, err go on.
- Hey. Hey.
Having a grey beard does not
make me Santa Claus.
- Oh. my God.
- Rasputin had a grey beard.
Fucking Fidel Castro
(GRUNTS) Get in that fucking selfie,
you cunt!
They're wearing disposable gloves!
Only killers wear disposable gloves.
Ah, well, I don't know,
maybe he's got a germ phobia.
Go on, get in the selfie, love.
There we go!
- Ja, schnell. Sehr gut!
- Fuckin' hell.
Ja, super cool.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
(IN GERMAN) Now one with everyone.
Come, come.
He says, "Now one with all of us in."
You joking? What?
OK!
(STARTS SINGING "STILLE NACHT")
- Ah, we're singing?
- (ALL SING)
Yeah, lovely!
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Argh!
Argh, Jesus! Fuckin' hell!
(GROANING)
- Hey!
- No, no, no, no!
(BOTH GRUNT)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(TYRES SKID)
The fucking hire car! No!
Fuck!
No!
My best shirt was in that suitcase.
And my tingly body rub.
And my corn plasters.
You honestly gonna go through
that old weird smorgasbord?
They've nicked off with our
fucking luggage, our passports,
and my fucking hire car,
that I didn't get insured!
- You didn't take the insurance?
- No.
- Would you like to take the insurance?
- Nah.
Four days in Dusseldorf,
what's the worst that can happen?
(ECHOING) 'Would you like
to take the insurance?'
- Fuck!
- We lost a car, but
we gained a jacket! Ah!
Stop it. I've not got time
for whimsey now, love.
Oh. What's this?
What is it? What-What-What is it?
"Br-Brauerei Schumann, 10:30"?
- That's a beer hall.
- That's a that's a fucking meet up!
- He's going there tonight!
- Unless it was last night
- and it was just still in his pocket.
- I swear to God, man.
But Dad, we have to go
to Grandma and Grandpapa's.
- Aaah.
- In fact
we need to be there in 22 minutes.
OK, OK. Hmm. Here's what we're gonna do.
We will go to the relatives,
have a bit of din dins, lovely.
Then early to bed, we sneak out
and retrieve what's rightfully ours.
- Brilliant. Call an Uber.
- Hang on a minute!
What about me getting what I came for?
Jim, read the fucking room.
Events have moved on.
So you're just gonna go off
to dinner and leave me here
in the middle of fucking nowhere?!
You can come with us.
As you say in England,
the more of the people,
the merrier the situation.
- Nice one! Yeah. Yeah.
- Dickhead.
It's Mummy.
This is a huge moment.
My mother and my father reunited
after so many years.
Alright, alright, I'm coming.
Words which, ironically,
led to your creation.
- Mummy!
- And that's what I said when I came.
- Hans.
- It's Daddy. Thomas.
Well, yes. It has been a very long time.
- Yes.
- Hello again.
Hello, Veronica.
You're looking well.
Very, err, Germanic.
With your hair like that and, err,
the roll neck and that, you know.
And you look very English.
- Thank you. I think.
- Who is this?
- This is Jim, a friend of Dad's.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
Good to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
Well, the 16-year-old you,
the one that liked cowgirl
on school trips.
Jim! Sorry about that.
Veronica, Hans!
- Papa!
- Hello!
Kinder.
(LAUGHTER)
So good to see you.
(LAUGHING)
(EXCITED SQUEALING)
Better have a drink first, eh?
Like being at the circus.
- Meine Liebe.
- HANS: Opa?
- Ja?
- Das ist mein Vater, Thomas.
- Vater.
- Und sein Freund, Jim.
Freund.
- Did you not bring any luggage?
- We had it stolen.
- I hope you have insurance.
- Hah.
GEORGE BAKER: Little Green Bag ♪
Fifty quid? Fuck that.
(INHALES)
What's the worst that could happen?
(SCREAMS)
Never mind.
I'll lend you some of my briefs.
- Let's go.
- Come!
Did he say briefs?
Thomas. Come. Hurry up. Schnell.
This is our sauna,
and I built it with my own hands.
Just as Gitta is preparing us
the most amazing feast,
and there's nothing more enticing
for the appetite than a
cold plunge.
- Oh.
- So, the secret is
complete submersion
all the way to your neck.
And you hold it for two minutes,
and not a second less.
Two Two min
Two full minutes? Right.
Now follow me.
(SPLASHING)
(GRUNTS)
- Yeah.
- Now you, come.
- OK.
- Off you go.
(CHUCKLES) Here goes nothing, eh?
Just, er, test the water,
as it WERE! Argh!
Oh, fuck me. Yes, no, that is
That's very, very cold actually.
Don't allow yourself to think about it.
Yes, no, I have thought about it
and the brain is very much saying,
"No, thank you!"
So I'm just gonna go sit in there.
Alright, count him in. Funf
ALL: Vier drei
zwei eins
Have I mentioned that
I do have a heart defect?
And so I'm a bit concerned this
might bring about a cardiac arrest.
Dear God!
(SPLASH)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, God.
Hey, reminds me of the Merchant Navy.
Except then we were all naked.
I'm fucking freezing!
I'm just gonna get some wine
for Uncle J.
Alright.
Oh, and get me some tampons, will you?
I told you, use a Moon Cup.
Fay, just get the tampons.
You get 'em. I'm not buying
shitty single-use plastic.
Weirdo.
("DON'T SWEAT THE TECHNIQUE"
PLAYS ON RADIO)
(SIGHS)
(SONG CONTINUES IN SHOP)
Excuse me, love.
Parked your way today.
In your dreams.
Don't sweat the technique
Alright, fucking go! Go! Fucking joking!
(ENGINE REVS)
Fuck's sake, Fay. You were meant
to go in for a bottle of wine.
- Well, an opportunity arose.
- Did you hit him then?
- Only gently.
- Fuck me!
Thought we were leaving
all this small-time shit behind.
And where are my fucking tampons, eh?
That guy in there was probably just
doing his fucking job, minimum wage,
probably get into all
kinds of trouble now.
It's not right, Ally.
You're asking me to compromise
my moral standpoint on these things.
Moral fucking standpoint?
As if you didn't just fucking
smash a guy in the face
for a couple of quid?
I fucking told you to use a Moon Cup.
Oh, fuck off.
- Danke schon.
- Bitte schon.
So (CHUCKLES)
Ernst, or, er,
perhaps now that we're related,
I could venture to call you "Papa."
- Keep it as Ernst.
- OK. As you wish.
Er, listen, about earlier,
er, the whole ice plunge situation,
I think we got off on the wrong foot,
didn't we? Because you see,
the whole great outdoors, it's not
really my natural environment.
You know, I'm more of a
nighttime economy guy.
You know, er, pubs, clubs,
bars where people can go
and find fun and friendship.
- Everyone to their own.
- Hmm. And you know, as it happens,
I do have a small portfolio
of venues in the UK,
er, but I'm ever looking to expand.
Hm. I see.
Mm. Hans helped me financially
to set up my flagship venue,
The Rat and Cutter,
and now I've got my little eye
on, er, another local bar,
very up-and-coming,
and I was wondering
if you might want to chat
investment opportunities.
You got my daughter pregnant.
Now let me ask the question:
Why do you think Veronica never told you
that you're Hans' father?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Because we met when we were very
young, and on a school exchange.
So it's one of them, innit?
(CHUCKLES)
She went through hell.
She was 16 years old
with a newborn child.
Couldn't go out with her friends.
Couldn't go on holidays.
She had to postpone college.
And why?
Because some English boy
was too cheap to buy prophylactics.
A fucking condom.
(CHUCKLES) Well,
it wasn't the expense as such,
you know
She didn't tell you
because she thought
you are a bad bet.
She thought your life
will be chaotic and failing.
Even though
she was physically attracted to you,
at that age,
she was smart enough,
even then, to realise
you're the kind of guy
that can't be relied upon.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Well, how wrong was she, eh?
Yeah. Was she?
I think of myself
as a good judge of character.
It comes with my line of work.
And I think Veronica,
my daughter, she is too.
- Right.
- Ernst, answer this for me.
I've always wanted to know.
What's with the fucking umlaut?
- (LAUGHING)
- Huh?
Oh, my God, this is
(DIALOGUE DISTORTS) (TENDER MUSIC)
Look, there's something
I didn't tell you about my uncle.
Hmm, and you thought you'd wait
'til you got to the door, did ya?
It's not a big deal. It's just,
he doesn't look like you'd expect.
- Right?
- How do you mean?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
There is plenty of space.
The bathroom is just outside.
And, er,
I will bring you some towels.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
WAYNE NEWTON: Danke Schon ♪
Thank you for all the joy and pain
The fuck you doing here, Jim?
You can't stay the night.
As soon as we've got that gear,
you're fucking off to your hotel.
What hotel?
- What do you mean, what hotel?
- Well, I didn't book one.
I just thought I'd sort it once
I got here.
Who the fuck does that?
I thought you might have
a spare bed in your room.
- Why Why would I have
- There you go.
- Oh.
- Speak if you need anything else.
We are only upstairs.
I want that fucking bukkake, Tommo.
And I'm not going home until it's done.
Your actions
are not the actions of a reasonable man!
What a mess
Danke schon ♪
It's like Morecambe and Wise,
this, innit?
Two grown men sharing a room.
Separate beds. Simpler time, you see.
He said he'd give us a signal
when they went to bed. Where is he?
No one thought anything of it back then.
Is this the same halcyon age when
Jim Davidson were doing Chalky White
and Benny Hill were chasing
scantily clad women
round the grounds of stately homes?
Oh, go on. That's right.
- Sully it with your woke agenda.
- Oh, fuck me.
Everyone's fucking offended nowadays.
- It's got so you can't say anything.
- Oh, my God.
When we were kids,
you got given a nickname,
you just got on with it.
When I was young,
people used to call me "Pig Shit Jimmy,"
cos I lived on farm.
And it hasn't done me
any harm, has it, eh? Eh?
I'm not so sure about that, love.
(SLOW MEDITATION MUSIC PLAYS)
(INHALES)
Ein
(DOOR OPENS)
..und aus.
Ein (INHALES)
(MOUTHING SILENTLY)
..und aus. (EXHALES)
Immer im Rhythmus.
(UPBEAT, SNEAKY MUSIC)
Jim, get your fucking shoes on.
We're going without him.
(CAR LOCK BEEPS)
(CHUCKLES)
(BAND PLAYING CHEERFUL MUSIC)
Prost!
ALL: Prost!
Oh, hello.
Someone's been on the Jaegarbombs.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Keep your eyes peeled, Jim.
You remember what he looks like?
Hey. A fucking memory of a fox, me.
Do foxes have good memories?
Well, if they haven't,
why would I have said it?
(CROWD CHEERS)
(IN GERMAN)
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the
biggest Drink-Walk competition in Dusseldorf
(CROWD CHEERS)
Oh, right. Yes. Yes!
(IN GERMAN) You can now
register at the stage
Prost!
(ALL CHEER)
What the fuck's going on here?
What's going on, pal?
Es ist ein Drink-Walk-Wettbewerb.
- Sprechen Sie English?
- Nein!
(SCOFFS)
You don't speak fucking English?
- He's a rude man.
- Him? Oh, yeah, he's fucking awful.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, well spotted.
Erm, sorry,
what the fuck is going on here?
It is a famous drink-walk competition.
Everyone has put in five euro and the
winner gets to keep the pot of money.
Eh, what, cash prize?
- Fuck it, I'm getting involved.
- Hm?
What? No, no, Jim, Jim, no!
(CHEERFUL MUSIC CONTINUES)
(CROWD CHEERS)
Ah, fucking hell.
Stale.
- I couldn't get away.
- I know, I saw.
- You took granddad's car.
- Yeah. He hasn't noticed, has he?
No, he went to bed, but he won't
be happy if he finds out.
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
A drink-slash-walk competition.
How fantastic.
Fucking have it.
- Yes, Jim!
- Twat.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
- There's the man.
- What? Jacket man?
- Yeah. It's definitely him.
- It is him and all, yeah!
Right, we've got him. He's trapped.
Los!
(CROWD CHEERS)
Ah, we've got you now, you cunt.
ANNOUNCER: (LAUGHING) Wow. Oh!
Hey! Ja!
Oh! (SPEAKS GERMAN)
(CROWD JEERS)
OK. OK.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Ya-hey! Fucking hell!
(CONTINUES IN GERMAN)
(LAUGHING) Ja!
- Genau! Schneller!
- HANS: Yes, Jim!
Ja!
Fuck off! One nil to me, pal.
- Scheisser!
- Fuck off!
Dickhead!
(BOTH GRUNT)
Fuckin' hell.
Shit, he's gone! What?
Fuckin' bomber jacket's gone!
He's given us the fucking slip!
Jesus Christ.
(JIM GRUNTING)
Right. Got you now.
Oh, fucking hell.
(DOOR SHUTS)
No, no, no, no, no, no! It's locked!
- It's fucking locked!
- No, there's a door release button.
Oh, right, yeah.
It's the back car park.
(CAR LOCK BEEPS)
Oh, there! It's me fucking hire car!
He's leaving.
Not if we fucking
block the way, he's not!
(ENGINE REVS)
(TYRES SCREECH)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Checkmate.
Why's he just staring at us?
(TYRES SCREECH)
No, no, no, no, no!
(BOTH YELL)
Grandad's car!
Me fucking hire car!
Why won't it fucking move?!
(TYRES SCREECH)
Would you like to take the insurance?
(ENGINE REVS)
No, no, no, no! Not again!
(CAR SLAMS)
Agh!
Four days in Dusseldorf.
What's the worst that could happen?
(GROANS)
(TYRES SCREECH)
- I have an idea.
- What? No, no, no, no!
Fucking hell!
THE REVEREND HORTON HEAT:
Psychobilly Freakout ♪
(ENGINE REVS)
(GRUNTS)
(GLASS CRACKS)
(CAR CRASHES)
Ooh, that's not good.
(GROANING SOFTLY)
Oh, he's alive. Thank God.
Mate? No. Right, tell you what.
I'm having that. (CHUCKLES)
Deutschland! Like father, like son.
Right, you check the boot.
- Nothing back here.
- Oh, jackpot!
His mobile telephone. (LAUGHS)
Let's get this cunt into our car.
- Are we taking him to the hospital?
- No, are we fuck.
No, this bastard's a bargaining chip.
- Is it chip or is it chit?
- Dad, I don't like this.
I-I think I might be out of my depth.
- I can't take a man hostage.
- Look, love, you're only a hostage
if you're being held against your will.
And he's gagging to come with us,
aren't you, mate?
(SNORING)
(DOOR SHUTS)
Get me the fuck out of here!
They're all fucking psychos!
There we go. How do you like that,
you great German shit?
Right, here is the plan.
We bell Boseman up off laddo's phone,
Boseman's gonna pick up the phone,
cos he thinks it's one of his guys,
and we're gonna say to him,
or rather you're gonna say to him
because you speak German,
"You're not getting your lad back
until we get
A: our passports, B: our luggage
and C: the fucking gear
that he stole from us!"
- Yar!
- I can't do that.
What? No, no, darling.
If we don't get our passports back,
we can't go home.
As much as you might be the nation
who invented socks and sandals,
you do not deserve
a crusty old racist farmer.
Fine! Give me the telephone.
- Yeah.
- But I want to do it my way.
- With politeness.
- Good for you.
- Good lad. Nice.
- Politeness?
Are you fucking sure he's your kid?
Says the man with the super
smart lesbian daughter.
Lesbian? As in?
She's a fucking lesbian.
She sleeps with women.
What do you think I'm
- Oh, my God, did you not know that?!
- You're saying that my Ally
- is a fucking doughnut bumper?
- Jim, honestly,
as much as it might be difficult for
you to get your head round the fact
you have spawned a homosexual,
maybe you should be grateful.
Cos she's a lovely
young woman, in't she?
This is her fucking mother, this.
I told her not to introduce her
to fucking hockey! All them young girls,
short skirts, big wooden fucking sticks!
I worry about your world view.
I really do, Jim.
Hey, look. There's a place here,
half a mile away.
Look, it says catering
for "all erotic desires."
Jesus Christ, Jim. If you mention
bukkake one more fucking time!
You fucking promised you'd help me.
No, no, no, no.
Factually inaccurate that.
What I seem to recall happening,
is you following me
to a foreign nation,
like a fucking sex dementor.
What did he say, love?
He said you can keep him.
- What?
- The man in the back.
He said, "I don't care. Keep him."
Fucking hell!
Fucking Argh! Fuck you, Germany!
Halle-fucking-lujah. (GRUNTS)
Fill your boots!
Actually, don't fill your boots.
Wish I'd not said that.
It's a horrible image.
Grandad isn't going to be
very happy about the car.
Oh, that's a fucking understatement.
But to be honest, love,
I reckon your grandad's opinion of me
wasn't that high to begin with.
- What makes you say that?
- Hmm?
Oh, call it a hunch.
And your mum, fucking hell.
She were a bit, err cool.
Frosty, ice cold, you know?
Mum is the sort of person who keeps
her emotions inside herself.
Hmm.
She will have been nervous
about seeing you again, I think.
I suppose I'm just
a stranger to her, aren't I?
I'm just, err, someone she had a
youthful fling with many moons ago.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Is what it is, sweetheart.
Is it just me or does it seem very
much like those two men over there
are heading this way
with rather large sledgehammers?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
They are definitely coming
in this direction.
I mean, no one knows we're here.
No one's followed us.
So they can't be here for
..us.
Release Lukas.
- How the fuck do they know he's here?!
- Release him now.
- Dad, this is scary.
- No, no, no, sweetheart.
They're trying to frighten us,
aren't they? Er, I'll handle this.
(CLEARS THROAT) Um, Guten Abend!
- Guten Abend.
- Er, ja.
Er, den sledgehammer
How do you say,
"Put down the sledgehammer?"
Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
(REPEATS PHRASE)
Just speak English. Your German
is worse than a three-year-old.
Listen, right,
I've told Boseman we'll release him
when we get our passports
and the gear you stole!
Now, or we fuck up your car more.
It's not my car,
it's my son's grandad's, so
Your son's grandad? So not your
father, but your wife's father?
No, she's not my wife, actually, either.
In fact, I barely even know her.
We had a brief sexual encounter
- two decades ago.
- And you didn't use protection?
- Fucking hell.
- How did you find us?
Find My Phone app.
- Fucking hell!
- Of course. Everyone has this.
(HONKS HORN) Ugh.
No, right, listen. Listen, right?
We had a fair deal, hmm?
And Boseman shafted us
right up the arsehole!
And-And this dickhead in the back,
- he's written off me hire car.
- Didn't take the insurance?
No, I did not!
Look, I am going to count to three,
and then you release Lukas.
You'll do as you fucking like, love.
We're not giving him back,
- until we get what's rightfully ours.
- Eins.
- We have to let him go.
- They're bluffing.
- Zwei.
- I don't think they're bluffing.
Course they are!
In front of the car, aren't they?
- I'll run 'em over.
- Don't run them over.
Drei.
See, what did I say? Bluffing.
(BOTH YELL)
(HAMMERS POUNDING)
Fucking
Start the car, drive away!
- Where's Jim?!
- They're gonna kill us!
(WAILS)
Don't do that. Do not do that!
No, fuck off! Argh!
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh, fucking hell!
No, no, no. Don't you Fucking no.
- He's opening the doors!
- No, he's not.
Fuck! He's got me!
(GRUNTING)
Open the fucking car door or
we slash your granddaddy's tyres!
(TEETH CLENCH)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Agh! No, no!
No! No!
JIM: That's enough!
Step away from the fucking vehicle!
(EXTINGUISHER HISSES)
Yeah! Fucking hell.
- Unlock the door!
- Come on, Jim.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(TYRES SCREECH)
- What if they follow us?
- Oh, throw the phone out the window.
- Throw the phone out the window!
- Or I could turn off Find My Phone.
- Yeah, yeah, no, do that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you for saving us.
- Did you do the deed? Eh?
The deed, have you done the deed?
- Is the deed done?
- No, it fucking isn't!
And what you doing with him in the back?
We can't take him back
to my grandparents house.
Explaining the car is
going to be bad enough
- without a hostage in the boot.
- He's not a hostage!
He's free to go at any time.
Well, Uncle J took a shine to you,
told me in the kitchen.
Said you were a keeper.
Yeah, bet he did.
(SCOFFS)
Fuck off.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
And he said he'd get us some work.
Yeah, what kind of work?
Dunno, like
I dunno, but we can trust him.
It'll be good.
- Mm.
- Now then,
admit it.
How sexy did you find
me robbing that shop?
(CHUCKLES) Come on.
- You know you did.
- Did not.
- You did.
- Did not.
You loved it.
JULIA JACKLIN: Someday ♪
VINNIE: Davey?
Liz says you're up here. Is that right?
Davey?
(KNOCKS)
Davey, love?
I've told you,
the name's Alfred Barnard.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Of course you're stood right there.
Bloody terrifying. Stop!
Stop being Alfred Barnyard
for a minute. I know it's you.
Oi. Liz has told me
that you've demanded
to move in here a little bit.
- Demanded?
- Why are you still doing the voice?!
Listen, she told me that you're
like a crazy woman in an attic.
Are you listening?
The only time she ever sees you
is when you want sustenance,
and to the best of her knowledge,
you been in this fucking room for
three bloody weeks. Is that true?
She likes to talk,
doesn't she, Miss Jones?
Yeah, but listen,
I'm worried about you, Davey.
I've stayed in the Crow's Nest
before, it fucking sucks!
Did you know that that television
console has only got Freeview.
- Right.
- I've spent my days
watching re-runs of A Place in The Sun.
Ooh.
One couple wanted
to sell their house in Burnley
and relocate to Fuerteventura.
Imagine the idiocy.
What's going on?
What the fuck's happened?
Somebody made it abundantly clear
that they wanted me dead.
I can smell your balls from here.
I'm sorry, dude.
You haven't been showering.
I had a flannel wash this morning,
thank you very much.
Come on. We're going for a drive
and you can tell me what's gone on.
Donna had scurried off back to Liverpool
with her tail between her legs,
and I was feeling very proud of myself.
McCann dead,
me in Manolito's mansion
ruling the roost.
I was the king of the fucking world.
And then one night
I woke up
and I could feel something wet
in the bed alongside me.
And I was thinking,
"What on earth can that be?
I'm alone in bed.
What could be wet down there?"
(GROANS)
Well, fucking 'ell, what was it?
You've seen the Godfather,
I assume, with the horse's head?
You're jokin'. Wasn't a fuckin'
Was it that?
No.
(GROANS)
Worse.
- Your Donna?
- No!
I wouldn't give a shit about that.
No. It was
(GROANING)
(SCREAMS)
Ooh! Oh, fuck me, the exotic zoo!
- Yes, correct, Vincent.
- Shit.
There was a note, telling me
if I didn't leave that evening,
then it would be my head
in my mother's bed.
- Shit.
- Shit indeed, sweetheart.
And I'm not ashamed to say it,
it shook me.
Do you know who it was?
Was that cross-dressing cunt, Kittens.
- Ah.
- Revenge for McCann.
And why did I get McCann killed, hmm?
For you. To help you.
And now look. Comes back to haunt me.
Well, I mean, it suited you
down to the fucking ground,
- didn't it and all? Him being dead.
- Shhh.
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
What's that?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
- That's Demis Roussos.
- Who the fuck's that?
Demis Roussos.
It's my mother's favourite.
Who the fuck did you tell we were here?
I haven't told anyone we're up here,
you fucking nutcase.
Calm down. Jesus, what's wrong with ya?
This is how it ends.
On a cold, lonely road!
With you by my side.
- Quick! We better run!
- It's a man on his way home.
- It's just a random dickhead.
- Run now, Vincent! Vincent, quick!
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Hans, get inside.
And you, in!
Where have you been?
Er, that is a
very long story.
Leading my boy astray?
What are you doing here, Tommo?
Why did you come here?
I sometimes wish he had never found you.
He should have left
the past in the past.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Pretend I don't exist?
It's alright, love. He, erm
Your dad Your dad let
the cat out of the bag.
Why you didn't want
to let me know that I had a son.
He, er yeah.
What did he say?
He said, erm
Do you know, right, when
when you're me, right,
when when you grew up
like I grew up
shit parents, bounced around
from care home to care home,
people have a certain way
of looking at you.
They don't have high hopes for you.
And, erm
you know, you go to school
and careers and all that,
and they do the same thing.
And they You got the best
condescending pat on the back,
but they tell you basically,
"You are fucking nothing.
You're nothing.
And yeah, you're always
gonna be nothing."
Right? And so you have
to just sort of either
fall in line without thinking,
or, like, fight back, you know.
Fight to
prove yourself,
to prove those dickheads wrong.
But it fo it follows you,
erm, and
and, you know,
people looking down on you
and thinking that you're nothing,
you're worthless and you're shit,
follows you around. (CHOKES UP)
I've fucking tried, man.
I have fought really hard, right, to
And I'll keep fighting now for him,
for my lad, and for
Just to prove to your dad,
and the fucking 16-year-old you
that I'm not shit actually,
and that I can make
something of my life.
Hey.
I didn't tell you
I was pregnant because
I was scared you'd reject me.
I felt like I loved you
and I wanted to have your child, but
I was scared you'd tell me
to get rid of it.
I thought about you so much
over the years,
and I did want to tell you, but
weeks turned to months and
I'm glad you
I'm glad you didn't get rid of him,
because he is the best thing
in my whole life.
Sorry, fucking hell.
And you, you've done a fantastic job.
You really have.
I'm sorry for all this mad shit
that I've fucking got him into now!
You are both back safe, and
apart from the state
of my father's car,
hopefully it's all done
and dealt with now.
It is. Yeah, it is.
(MUFFLED WAILING, BANGING)
Except for the fella
tied up in the boot.
DIE HOCHSTE EISENBAHN:
Was Machst Du Dann ♪
(SINGING IN GERMAN)
I'm sure you have done worse.
I hope your car insurance
fucks you and your shit car,
you damned arseholes!
(TOMMO GRUNTING)
Fucking hell.
(EXHALES)
Joy riders, innit?
Fucking joy riders.
We'll say we went for an early walk,
and when we came back,
Daddy's car was gone.
Must have been stolen in the night.
Veronica, you are a fucking angel.
An angel in woman form. And, er,
speaking of which, I, er
I hear that your father
is an angel investor.
I was wondering if, you know,
maybe if I get in my briefs again,
if you might be able to facilitate
a business discussion.
Let's see what we can do.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh!
- Good morning!
- Oh, good morning, Gitta.
Just recovering from last night.
Fucking hell.
Oh!
How would you like to start
the day off in the sauna?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.
Not sure about that.
I think you'll find it invigorating.
Come on.
Err, OK.
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
We heard what you said.
What you are looking for.
BILDERBUCH: Maschin ♪
We are very open-minded people.
Sexually.
F-Fuck's sake.
I negotiated with Boseman.
He now has membership to my club.
Mila, you are an absolute
fucking superstar.
State of this car though, eh? Christ.
You took the insurance?
SIR JOE QUARTERMAN:
(I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind ♪
- What do you mean, go back to school?
- It's a school reunion.
Let's get smashed!
- Meet me in the science lab.
- Ooh!
That body was destined to be in
a leotard, on a stage, Ashley.
You look like you wanna hit me.
Fuck off!
I was bullied here too. I could
get TJ and you could get mine.
I think our Ronnie is about
to do something really stupid.
ALL: What the fuck?
Sub extracted from file & improved by
I got so much trouble in my mind
I got so much trouble in my mind
I got so much trouble in my mind
Give me the strength to carry on
Give me the strength to carry on ♪