Brooklyn Nine-Nine s07e07 Episode Script

What's this
meeting about?
Did someone find
my meatball sub?
A, we would never have
a meeting about that.
B, you are holding it.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Meeting adjourned.
Meeting's not over, dummy.
Terry said he had
some news from the office
of Commissioner Wuntch. Ugh!
What does that human blister want now?
Does she intend
to demote me even further?
Or perhaps she'll transfer me
to the swamps of New Jersey
so I can patrol the sinkhole
where she was spawned.
Or it's possible
the announcement
has nothing to do with you.
Oh, good thinking, Peralta.
You're right. Maybe
Madeline wants to inform us all
that she's a Cheuksin.
A what?
A Cheuksin.
A Korean toilet ghost,
lives in an outhouse,
wraps her hair
around your throat
and chokes you to death
while you move your bowels.
You know what?
I will give you $6,000
if the announcement
is she's a Cheuksin.
Okay, everyone.
I have some news.
That Madeline Wuntch
is a Korean toilet ghost?
Boring.
We already knew that.
Madeline Wuntch is dead.
Say what now?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Wait, Wuntch is dead?
Yeah. The Commissioner's
office just notified us.
No way that's true.
As Wuntch says
when she sees deodorant,
"I'm not buying it."
(LAUGHS)
Sir, she's dead.
HOLT: Oh, Terry.
Zombies can't die.
This is some sort
of scam.
If she were dead,
we would be hearing
the sounds of children
singing in the streets.
BOYLE: I don't know, sir.
You didn't believe it
when we told you
the Disco Strangler
died either.
And I was right.
He was faking it.
Maybe she's alive.
Why would Wuntch
fake her own death?
The same reason she visits
Mexico once a year
and sucks the blood
from all the goats.
For kicks.
Look, I don't know
what to tell you,
but she's dead.
What do you want?
To open up her coffin
and check for yourself?
Oh, she's very dead.
Hello, gentlemen.
Guess who's walking
the red carpet
this Saturday?
Chord Overstreet.
Who?
Sam Evans from Glee. No,
me. Why would you guess that?
I was clearly
talking about me.
Okay, but for the record,
I bet Chord Overstreet
will also be walking one.
Stop talking about
Chord Overstreet.
No, I'm going
to the world premiere
of Kwazy Kupcakes:
The Movie.
Whoa! How'd you get
the invite?
My buddy Mikey J.
hooked me up.
Oh, your ska friend?
Did he work on the movie?
No, he submitted
an unsolicited script
that a producer
accidentally opened
so legally they had to
give him a "story by" credit,
and now I've got four tickets.
Wow. So who
you bringing?
You know,
Cagney and Lacey love Kwazy Kupcakes.
They are crazy
Kwazy fans.
Cool. Well, if you guys
are free this Saturday
Stop, before you say
anything you regret,
you should know that
Kwazy Kupcakes
means a lot to Nikolaj.
At the orphanage,
that game was his only friend.
Touching, but Cagney and Lacey
don't have any friends at all.
Maybe they can
make some at this event.
So what do you say, Jake?
Whose kids do you like more?
What? Wait, wait, wait.
That's not what this is about.
No, Boyle's right. Whose
kids do you like more?
Tell us now.
Okay.
You guys are
being really intense.
I like all of your kids
an equal amount.
Just give me some space
and I'll figure out
who I'm gonna take.
Okay, backing off.
Stepping away.
Making room.
Letting you breathe.
PERALTA: Thank you.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Did you both just send me
pictures of your kids crying?
BOTH: No.
Ding, dong,
the Wuntch is dead.
Bagels for everyone!
So I guess
you believe it now.
Yep. Wanna see
the selfies I took?
Actually,
yes. I'll share the album with you.
Oh,
my God! I just heard about Wuntch!
She was so young!
For a redwood tree.
I don't understand
what's going on.
Why are you crying?
A person is dead.
I feel sad.
That's insane. You don't
feel sad when a monster dies
in a monster movie.
In E.T. did you feel
sad when E.T. dies?
Yes.
He wasn't a monster.
He caused a real commotion.
It isn't just Wuntch. I
started seeing a fertility doctor
and she has me
taking hormones
to help with ovulation
and my emotions
are in overdrive.
Well, I know just the thing
to cheer you up.
Wuntch is dead! Bagel!
Bagel! Bagel!
Sir, I am loving
this color on you,
but don't you think
you should tone it down?
Why, in case I run
into her family?
I'm not planning any trips
to the Bronx Zoo.
Wait. Does this mean you're
gonna be captain again?
It does. The Chief
of Personnel called
to say the promotion
is in the works.
Her death means
I've won.
It's finally over.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
An email
from Madeline Wuntch?
Subject line,
"It's not over."
My friends,
I have a proclamation
to bestow upon ye.
Why are you
talking like that?
And why'd you have us come
in here? Is this about the tickets?
It is indeed
about said tickets,
and said proclamation about
said tickets is in fact
Jake, just tell us.
No one is liking this.
I'm loving it.
You sound so smart.
Oh, thank you,
my loyal subject, Charles.
Now, as you know, this decision
has been quite hard upon me,
title of mine sex tape
but I have made it
at long last,
and it is my decree
that the recipient
of said tickets shall be
- Both of you.
- What? Did you talk to Mikey J.
And get more tickets? Indeed I did not,
but it is my decision
that I will cut all
of said tickets in twain.
Twain? Terry doesn't want a
twained ticket to Kwazy Kupcakes.
That's not how tickets work.
You'd just be ruining them.
None of us would get in.
Are you dumb?
No!
All right, full disclosure.
I was trying to do
that Bible thing
and then one of you was
gonna take the high road
and say that rather than see
the tickets destroyed,
you would just bow out,
and then that person
was gonna get the tickets.
Nope. If I don't
get them, no one does.
Agreed. Boyles or bust.
Cut them up. (SIGHS)
I'm not gonna do that.
I'm just gonna have to think of
another way to figure this out.
Stupid Bible with stupid
lessons never solved crap.
So you were right. Wuntch was
not able to claw through her coffin
and write the email herself.
It turns out, the lawyer
for her estate sent it.
I wish I had
taken the LSATs.
Not to be a lawyer.
Just seems like a fun test.
Dude, you're bumming us out.
All right. The email
contains a link to a video.
I'm going to play it.
Brace yourselves.
If it shows Madeline, be sure
not to look directly into her eyes.
Because we'll turn to stone?
No. Because her eyes are ugly.
Hello, Raymond.
Surprised to see me?
(KEYBOARD CLICKS) Well,
I didn't say Bloody Mary
three times, so yes.
When did she record this?
Judging by the flames around her,
it could be a livestream.
(CHUCKLES) Very good,
Rosa. (LAUGHING) (KEYBOARD CLICKS)
I'm sure you consider
my untimely death a victory,
but I'd never let you win.
I told everyone that
in my final days,
we reconciled and you insisted
on hosting and organizing
my NYPD memorial service.
I know you won't be able
to resist badmouthing me
at the service. All the
top brass will be there,
and when you speak ill of me,
it will end your career.
It's over. I won.
Bye, Raymond.
Oh, no. I'm doomed.
Seriously? All you have to do
is not insult a dead woman
at her own memorial service.
Exactly.
It's impossible.
Oh, you must be
feeling better.
You're heating up your favorite meal,
beans.
They're refried.
It's bad enough
they were cooked once,
let alone twice,
and now the toaster oven makes
it three times. (OVEN BEEPS)
I couldn't be crying
for help any louder.
So I take it you couldn't get out
of organizing Wuntch's memorial.
Oh, no.
It's impossible.
She has bested me yet again.
Well, then stop being
such a moron, you idiot.
Amy! Sorry, it's the hormones.
They're making me
really irritable.
Angry Amy's right.
All you have to do is say
a few nice comments
during the memorial.
As God said when Wuntch tried to
sneak past the gates into heaven,
"It ain't happening, honey."
(LAUGHS)
I tried to write a kind
speech about her last night,
and this is what came out.
Oh. It's, like,
20 pages long.
Why is it in all caps?
So I remember to yell it.
Oh, well, you obviously
can't read any of this.
Look, since you can't
say anything nice,
try saying the opposite
of whatever you're thinking.
Interesting.
I'll give it a whirl.
Madeline Wuntch was
A friend.
See? It's not that hard
to say something
Oh, you're vomiting.
(RETCHING)
Hi, Jake.
It's me, Nikolaj.
Hey, bud.
What are you doing here?
It's Thursday. Shouldn't
you be at tailoring class?
I want to say thank you.
Dad said that you
were giving us tickets
to the Kwazy Kupcakes movie.
Oh, he did, did he?
Excuse me one second.
(WHISPERING) Of all
the twisted moves!
Don't hate the player.
Go ahead. Tell Niko
he's not going.
I dare you.
(GRUNTS AND
CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Hey, listen.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Niko, there's something
I gotta tell you.
BOTH: Uncle Jake!
Uncle Jake!
Slow down, girls.
No need to run.
Uncle Jake is family. Now,
what do you wanna say to Uncle Jake?
BOTH: Thank you
for the tickets.
Oh, that's so cute
how you said that
at the same time without
rehearsing it in the car.
It sure is. Hey, Terry,
Charles, can I speak with you
in the break room
for a moment?
Uh, hey, kids,
look at this.
Pimping out your kids?
I hate to say this,
but you two are
acting like bad dads,
and I should know. One time my
father forgot to pick me up from school
'cause he was having sex
with my best friend's mom.
Oh, my God.
That's terrible.
Yeah. I was 15.
I just walked
to the mall and watched
Empire Records by myself,
but the point is,
you're both acting ridiculous.
No, this is
on you, Jake.
You need to make a choice.
That's not fair.
You both want to go
and I don't want
to hurt either of you.
But maybe I don't have to.
I can let fate hurt you.
We'll flip a coin.
Terry, call it in the air.
Heads or tails.
(GRUNTS) Neither.
Oh, my God. Did you just
fold my quarter in half?
Fate's a bitch.
You make the choice.
Wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow.
Just so you know,
I would never bend your money.
Yeah, 'cause you can't.
Correct, I cannot.
No one can.
How did he do that?
Now these fertility drugs
are making me sweat.
Is it noticeable?
No.
Yes. Oh. I thought we
were gonna lie to her
because it's so
upsetting to look at.
Just tell me what room
the memorial is in.
We don't have a lot
of time to set up.
About that. Yesterday,
before you convinced me
to hold a respectful service,
I sent some instructions
for how I wanted
the room to look.
We may need
to make some tweaks.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
So many balloon arches.
I know. It all has to go.
Okay! Everyone,
we have work to do.
(FUNERAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Better?
Much.
But to be clear,
the first version was dope
and you have
my respect for life.
Excuse me. Is this the
memorial for Madeline Wuntch?
Yes, this is the memorial
for Madeline Wuntch.
Just saying her name
brings tears to my eyes.
Why, because her heart
was made of onions?
Excuse me? Madeline
Wuntch was what you get
when you cross a slug
with an anal fissure.
We spent our entire lives
trying to destroy each other.
I was her one true nemesis.
No.
Hey there, Jake. I felt bad
about folding your quarter in half,
so I got you a new one.
Thank you.
But that's not a quarter.
Wow, you're right.
That happens to be an 1883
Carson City silver dollar
in near-mint condition
complete with
commemorative case.
(WHISTLES) That's
gotta be worth $138.
You know what? Keep it.
Shame. Shame,
Terrence Jeffords, shame!
You probably didn't
realize this, Jake,
but the lieutenant over here
is trying to bribe you.
Yeah, I don't think
he's hiding that.
I am not.
Well, neither am I.
Here's a check for $200.
Another silver dollar. Ooh,
looks like I'm up to $276.
Well, here's
a second check for $77.
I am up $1.
Four more.
How many silver dollars
do you have?
As many as it takes.
Well, this checkbook
is only on 304,
so I can write checks
all day long.
Well, you know what?
Here's my watch.
Yeah, melt this down.
Enough! I'm tired of being
stuck in the middle of this.
You figure out who gets
the tickets and tell me.
That should keep them busy
for a little while.
Hey, Jake, we've decided
how to settle this.
We're gonna duke
it out in the ring.
What?
That man is lying.
I don't believe Wuntch
had another rival.
I saw it in her eyes.
She only had hate for me.
Are you jealous?
Of course I am.
I despised her
with my entire being
while she was
only despising me
with a fraction of hers?
Sir, you were doing
so well, okay?
Don't let this rattle you.
Are you wearing sponges
in your armpits?
If you have a better way
to soak up sweat,
I would like to hear it.
Where are you going?
To find out if there was
another man.
So, um, Adam is it?
Mmm-hmm.
I only ask because Madeline
never mentioned you.
Interesting, 'cause she
mentioned you to me,
as a friend.
Friend?
Mmm. I think you added
an "R" to the word "fiend."
No, I'm sure it was friend.
I mean, based
on context alone,
I wouldn't say somebody
was one of my closest fiends.
Oh, you might.
We had a very
contentious relationship.
She never forgave me
for embarrassing her
in front of Derek Jeter.
Well, I embarrassed her
in front of A-Rod
and J.Lo together.
For 15 years I replaced
her anti-wrinkle cream
with sour cream.
I replaced her Lactaid
pills with Tic Tacs.
Dead moron was crapping
her pants for months.
HOLT: She hacked into
my Netflix account
and watched
The Lizzie McGuire Movie
on repeat to ruin
my algorithm.
She made me guard that doctor
who came back
to New York with Ebola.
Sir, maybe you want to
keep it down. There's people
That witch ruined my life!
She demoted me from captain
to uniformed officer.
Eight years ago she had me
kicked off the force entirely.
You were not
her greatest rival,
and the proof
is right here.
Hello, Adam.
I may be dying
but I burned down
your cabin in Maine.
You were my one true rival.
(MOUTHING)
There you have it.
I meant nothing to her.
That cockroach Madeline
was two-timing me!
No sign of Holt anywhere.
I know that's important,
but I don't think I can just breeze past
the outfit, Sister Act.
I sweat through my clothes
and I found this in the
back of a closet, okay?
Deal with it.
You look great.
Oh, there he is.
Sir, over here.
Where were you? Why are you
holding the mean yelling speech?
Because I'm gonna
yell it, meanly.
I wasted half my life hating
that duplicitous hag,
and she didn't even
have the decency
to truly hate me back.
Well, screw her.
I'm gonna ruin her memorial.
No, you can't do that. If you
read that speech, you'll be fired.
You're right.
And that would ruin my career.
And it's worth it.
I'm giving the speech.
No, that's what
Wuntch wanted.
You're letting her win.
DIAZ: Sweaty Amy's right.
If you really wanna
get back at her,
you'll team up with Adam
and give her a nice funeral.
It's like
The Durrells of Corfu
when Prudence
and Louisa joined forces
To sink the catamaran
of the bookseller Yorgos
who wronged them both. Yes!
I will team up with Adam.
Wow. (CHUCKLES)
For a moment there,
I almost forgot who
the real villain was.
The woman who
recently died. Mmm.
Charles, why did you
let Terry choose boxing?
He didn't. I picked it.
But you'll die.
Don't worry about it.
Boxing's in my blood.
My Nana Boyle
boxed in the Navy.
I'm sure she did but
And hear me out
What if you're not as strong
as your Nana Boyle?
I can handle myself.
She taught me her signature punch,
the Strawberry Basket.
That does not reassure me.
Hey there, big guy. You sure you're
feeling okay about ending Charles's life?
Yep, my girls are
gonna see this movie.
Right, well, before
you commit manslaughter,
I do feel compelled
to tell you that the movie
only has a 38
on Rotten Tomatoes.
Jake, stop yapping
and let them fight.
I wanna see the big guy
pop the little guy's head off.
Yeah, let's start the fight!
I wanna pop that
little guy's head off!
You're clearly
the little guy.
(LAUGHS) Good one, Jake.
All right.
I guess this is happening.
Touch gloves.
Charles, it's been
very nice being your friend.
Terry, I'll visit you
in prison. And
(BELL DINGING)
Fight.
Strawberry basket!
(GROANS)
Whoo, yeah!
You mess with Grandma,
you're gonna get the basket!
PERALTA: Charles,
you punched him in the nards.
Yeah, Nana fought nasty.
Now if you don't mind,
I'd like those tickets.
I didn't hear no bell!
(GROANS)
Jake, I think those
tickets are mine.
Strawberry basket!
(GROANS)
(COUGHING)
Guys,
stop! It's a movie about cupcakes!
You don't understand!
You don't have kids!
Wow, that speech
would have been amazing.
I had to look up
what a toilet ghost was.
Uh, yes, I took
a trip to Korea
just to research
a new Wuntch insult.
In fact,
it's been a motivation
for most of my
international travel. Mmm.
So you guys
are friends now?
Uh, yes,
it seems we have a great deal in common.
Well, one thing.
BOTH: Hating Wuntch.
(LAUGHING) I read him
the obituary I wrote for her,
but the Times
wouldn't publish it.
It had too many obscenities.
And I read him
my all caps speech.
And I loved it.
It was like poetry.
"Madeline smelled
like dog crap."
Raymond convinced me the
best way to get back at Wuntch
is to make sure
he doesn't get fired.
Also I'm just gonna chisel
a penis onto her headstone.
And I'm gonna watch.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
WOMAN: Please take your seats.
Well, uh, time for me to go
make a tear-jerker of a speech.
ADAM: Hey, I thought
of the best hashtag
to post with my photo
of the grave penis.
I'm not on board
with that friendship.
Yeah, there's something
weird about that guy.
Hey, when did he say
he got kicked off the force?
Eight years ago.
That doesn't add up.
He said Wuntch sent him
to guard the Ebola doctor.
Wasn't that six years ago?
Yeah.
Oh,
my God. Wuntch sent him to destroy Holt.
Good afternoon.
On this sad day,
I'd like to say a few words
about Commissioner Wuntch.
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACKS)
Madeline smelled
like dog crap.
I'm sorry. I
I don't know what
From a sick dog.
(LAUGHING)
Adam, what are you doing?
I'm showing everyone your true colors,
Raymond Holt.
Enjoy the show, people!
Madeline Wuntch
will not soon be forgotten.
Trick or Treaters will dress
like her for generations.
Hey!
Diaz, delete all the videos.
Deleted.
It's over.
Yeah,
for you. Everyone who's anyone in NYPD
just saw you
for your true self.
Your career
is ruined, Ray-Ray.
Who are you?
Why are you doing this?
I'm Madeline Wuntch's
nephew.
She sent me here
to carry out
the final phase
of her master plan,
and now it's all over.
Wait, why are you smiling?
Because, Adam,
this isn't the real memorial.
It's all a ruse.
What?
Yeah, what?
I knew Wuntch had one
final trick up her sleeve.
I didn't know what it was,
so I had to be
prepared for anything.
This whole thing
was staged.
None of these people
are real mourners.
They're not even
in the NYPD.
You hired actors?
Worse. They're members
of local improv troupes,
and they did it for
"the exposure."
This has been a blast,
but we have to go start a flash
mob at the Freedom Tower.
Oh, check out
our YouTube channel.
No. Sit down.
I have to hand
it to you, Adam.
You almost fooled me,
but no other man could
possibly have what
Wuntch and I had.
We were star-crossed haters.
Whatever. I still inherit half
her estate just for trying this.
Cool. Who gets the other half
of every child's nightmares?
I love it, Rosa.
Great work all day.
So how are you two feeling
after your little
boxing match?
My head hurts. I can't
feel my strawberries.
I meant more emotionally
and less groinally,
but listen, ever since
I brought these tickets up,
you guys have made my life
absolutely miserable,
but that ends now,
because I've made a choice.
Cagney is sick. We don't
know how long she has.
We do know for Nikolaj.
It's 36 hours.
Just stop, all right? Stop lying.
This is exactly the type of behavior
that has led me to decide that
I'm not taking either of you.
Seriously? Oh, man.
The kids are gonna
be so disappointed.
No, they won't,
because they're going.
That's right, I'm bringing
all three of them by myself
and you two don't get to go.
Your childish behavior
has led you to miss out
on the most exciting
movie premiere event
in the state of New York
this Saturday.
I hope you've learned
your lesson. Good day.
(SIGHS)
Wait. He's taking
the kids for us?
It's just like getting
a free babysitter.
This is incredible. People
without kids are so stupid.
They're gonna destroy him. Yeah.
So just to be clear,
this service
is actually real, right?
Oh, yes. I figured if I
needed two fake memorials
to smoke out Wuntch's plan,
she deserved to win,
but she didn't win. I did.
Finally beat the old fishwife.
It's crazy. After today you
never have to think about
Madeline Wuntch again.
Yes, I suppose
you're right.
Sir, does that
make you sad?
I don't know. (SIGHS)
I think maybe
Yes?
Well, I think it's natural
to feel a little down
about her death.
For the last 20 years,
your lives have
been entangled.
Because of her ratty hair.
No, it's not the same.
Now it just feels like I'm
insulting a helpless dead person.
You are. It's what you've
been doing all week.
Yeah, it's been tight.
(EXHALES)
Well, it's time
for my speech.
Sir, what are
you gonna say?
I don't know.
Maybe I'll just be honest.
Did he say he was
gonna be honest?
Yeah, this is
gonna be bad.
As many of you know,
Madeline and I
were bitter rivals,
but I've come to realize she
held a special place in my life.
No one challenged me
like she did
or made me feel as alive.
Our relationship was like
an epic chess match.
And it's hard
to believe that
she'll never make
another move.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Unless
No, it's just
a notification.
Cheddar's doggy toothpaste
has shipped.
So she is gone,
and I wish she were not.
I will miss you,
Madeline Wuntch.
(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
Wario, why are you like this?
Hey, so I don't know
if you noticed,
but ever since I started
those hormone treatments
I didn't notice anything.
You said that
way too quick.
I mean, you did cry
at that one car commercial
and it wasn't even
an emotional one.
It was about
towing capacity.
Yeah. Well,
I called the doctor
to see if that was
a common side effect
and apparently, it isn't.
Oh, no.
Is everything okay?
Yeah. She did have
one guess
as to what might
be causing it.
And, um, she was right.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Ames
Are we having a baby?
We're having a baby.
(CHUCKLES)
It happened!