Brooklyn Nine-Nine s07e08 Episode Script
The Takeback
Peralta,
you need to come with me right now.
Can I eat my bagel?
Trust me, you're not gonna
wanna eat before you see this.
That's Shane Reed.
Suspect in a string of B&Es.
Got pulled over this
morning. This was in his trunk.
Son of a bitch!
Peralta Peralta,
calm down.
Why am I here?
I didn't do anything.
You broke into
15 houses, Shane,
but that's not what
I care about right now.
All I care about is what
we found in your car.
I don't understand. He
doesn't understand, Diaz.
Why don't you
fill him in?
"You are invited
to celebrate the wedding
"of Katherine Joyner
and Douglas Judy."
Douglas Judy, AKA Doug Judy,
AKA, the Pontiac Bandit.
Maybe.
PERALTA: That's a yes.
Now tell me, Shane,
when did you get the invite?
What? When did you
receive the invite in the mail,
and how come
I didn't get one?
Why would you get an
invite? Do you know Doug?
Hey, I'm the one asking
the questions here!
Calm down, Jake.
Maybe it's a small wedding.
Okay, good point. How big is the venue,
Shane?
I said how big
is the venue?
(SPUTTERS) I don't know!
(MIMICS STAMMER) I don't
know! But I bet you do know
the password to the wedding website,
don't you?
Yeah, I guess.
Well, then I guess you
better tell it to me, Shane.
You wash my back,
I'll wash yours.
Wash? I meant scratch.
You know I meant scratch.
Now tell me the password. I
think it's "dougandkateforever."
(CHUCKLES) There,
was that so hard, Shane?
You did
the right thing.
Now get this piece of
trash out of my sight.
Oh, is forever spelled
out or is it the number four?
Oh, it's spelled out.
Okay, thank you so much.
Now get this piece
of trash out of my sight!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm so glad
you called.
Thanks for meeting me
at my favorite establishment.
A place where
you paint pottery?
I find a hand-painted mug
makes a thoughtful
gift for any occasion.
So, what's going on?
Anything exciting
in your life
that you maybe
wanna tell me about?
I got a new job.
I sit behind white CEOs
when they have
to testify before Congress,
so they don't
look so racist.
Every 15 minutes I just
whisper some nonsense at 'em.
The texture of quiche
is unsettling.
I got paid $75,000
for that nonsense.
(LAUGHS) That's cool,
congratulations.
But there's nothing else,
you know, maybe
even more interesting
that you wanna
fill me in on?
It seemed like
a pretty cool fact to me.
All right. Look, Judy,
I know you're getting married.
Damn it. I didn't think
you'd find out about that.
Who told you?
Ronnie? Bobby?
Ricky? Mike?
Don't try and change
the subject by tricking me
into singing
New Edition with you.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Ronnie, Bobby,
Ricky and Mike
BOTH: (SINGING) If I love
the girl Who cares who you like
Whoo!
So all is forgiven?
No! Why didn't you
invite me?
I wanted to,
but a lot of people
in my life are crooks,
and they think it's weird
that I'm friends with a cop.
They just don't
understand. Kind of like
parents?
No, no more songs.
Look, I'm having
my bachelor party
tomorrow night and I
want you to be there.
We'll make up
a criminal alias for you
so you can meet the boys.
Obviously that's
a super cool plan,
but no, I don't
want your pity.
Suit yourself,
but it's gonna be
one sexy-ass weekend.
Like
How sexy-ass
are we talking here?
Private jet
to Miami, baby!
And there's
a red carpet!
Forget the red carpet.
Private jet!
Yes, and a jet!
The jet is better.
Miami, here we come!
Whoo!
Today is Holt's
first day
back in his office
and I wanna make sure
everything is just
how he left it.
Now, I can't
remember,
was this little
figurine of Cheddar
at a 45 or 50
degree angle?
Terry, it's a five
degree difference.
You better
figure it out.
Ah, I missed
this place.
Huh, little
Cheddar's askew.
You really made yourself at home,
didn't you, Jeffords?
But, uh, no matter.
Just glad to be here.
(LAUGHS)
I am a captain again.
Back where I belong.
Everything is perfect.
Wow. There's
absolutely nothing
that could
puncture my
Where's the business card? What?
The business card
that was right here.
It had a piece of gum on it.
It's very important to me.
You didn't throw it away,
did you?
Pfft! No, Terry
would never
throw away something that
looked exactly like trash.
Good. I'll be back
in half an hour.
Make sure it's
on my desk by then.
Will do, sir.
I got it. I'm on it.
I definitely
threw it away.
DOUG JUDY: I want you
to meet the guys.
This is Nathan,
Josh, and Chuck.
This is my buddy, Sean,
from prison. How's it going, fellas?
I've never heard you
mention Sean before.
Yeah, well, like he said,
I just got out of jail.
Five years. Tough
sentence. What'd you do?
Elder abuse. Got my grandpa good,
so
Damn, that's
very upsetting.
PERALTA: Damn
straight it is.
Elder abuse?
I was trying to think
of something that
wouldn't inspire any
follow-up questions.
Doug Judy!
Cubes!
My man.
Sean, I'd like you
to meet the man
whose private jet
we are flying on today.
Yeah, you're Mark Cuban.
How do you guys
know each other?
Doug came on Shark Tank
to pitch his idea
for the Smush Shush.
It's a noise-cancelling
blanket for secret sex.
The product demonstration
did not go well.
Robert fainted.
Anyway, enjoy the jet.
Just bring it back
in one piece, okay?
No promises,
Mark Cuban.
I mean, we do wanna
make sure the airplane
stays in one piece
though, right?
Nah, I saw Flight.
If anything goes wrong,
fly the plane upside down.
Oh, right, I forgot about
Flight, the movie, Flight.
All right,
let's rip it up!
What's going on here?
Oh, measuring
the space.
We finally got
a work order
approved to fix
the outlet, so
(WHISPERING) We can get
a third vending machine.
What?
(WHISPERS) A third
vending machine.
Why are you whispering about
getting a new vending machine?
New vending machine!
What model number?
Oh, that's why.
We asked you
what model number.
I don't know,
a normal one
with glass in the front.
Seriously? Did you even
look into the DiGiSnax 600E?
I'd be into a fancy
machine, too.
I was just reading
about a Japanese one
that serves shellfish.
We're not getting
a shellfish machine.
Yeah, Boyle, we're
getting a smart machine
that suggests soda pairings
based on your chip choice.
Or one with a
make-it-wet gravy feature.
(SIGHS) Okay, look. Why don't
you get a few options together
and then
I'll decide, okay?
At least Terry's
not here
to try to make me
get a yogurt machine.
What was that
about yogurt?
This jet is insane.
There's a private chef
that'll make
anything you ask for,
no matter how expensive.
I just ordered
lobster enchanté.
Oh, damn, what's that?
I don't know. I just said the
fanciest words I could think of.
Oh, I'm gonna get
the Veal Prime Minister.
Mmm, that sounds good.
Hey, you wanna
try out the Smush Shush?
What? You have
one with you?
I take it
everywhere, baby.
Yeah, there it is.
Yeah.
So it's noise canceling?
(GROANING)
It's so heavy.
It's crushing my bones.
Yeah, that was the Shark's
problem with it, too.
I can't breathe.
Get it off me.
Get it off me.
Yeah, you sound exactly
like Barbara right now.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Disappointed in you, Jake.
Pilot says we're
starting our descent.
Then let's get
changed, boys!
Changed? But these
are my coolest clothes.
I got them from
a targeted Instagram ad
after looking
at photos of Cam Newton.
The outfit's beautiful,
but it doesn't really say
(WHISPERS) "Miami."
What does say, "Miami"?
(LATIN POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Are you sure this is
culturally okay for me?
We're gonna find out.
All right.
PERALTA: Damn, Judy,
this place is nice.
Yeah,
some Russian oligarch got the penthouse,
but this is
the second nicest room.
Surprise!
Trudy Judy! What you doing
here? I thought you were in prison.
Nope, I was
a real sweet pea,
so they let me out
for good behavior.
What the hell?
What's this narc doing here?
(SPUTTERS) What?
Nuh-uh!
What the hell was that?
You almost blew my cover.
Yeah, they're
all suspicious now.
You have to help us convince
them that Jake's not a cop.
Why? I don't understand
why you invited him.
This was supposed
to be a crazy weekend
of boobs and butts.
Trudy Judy, you're not gonna
see boobs or butts this weekend.
I'll see butts
if I wanna see butts.
And Jake is here
because he's my friend
and he really
wanted to come.
No, he's up
to something.
He's probably here
to arrest Chuck.
I would never
arrest Chuck.
But, I mean,
why'd you say that? What did Chuck do?
Wow. Cops
always be copping.
That's not true.
I do bad things.
One time I illegally
downloaded an O-Town album.
Dang, that's one
of the hardest boy bands.
Exactly, they're scary.
Look, I can be cool.
As long as nobody
commits any major crimes
in front of me.
It's not a problem. We don't
have to break the law to have fun.
We gonna have some drinks,
smoke some Cubans,
eat a steak,
either crazy big or crazy small,
whichever's
more expensive.
I'd rather see butts.
Fine, if I let you
see butts,
will you convince the guys
that Jake's not a cop?
How many butts
are we talking?
Six.
Ten.
Seven.
Nine.
Fine, eight. I'll meet you in the
middle. Nah, you waited too long.
Now it's up to 14.
Fourteen butts?
TRUDY JUDY: Mmm-hmm. She's a grown
woman. Just let her see butts, man.
Thank you, Jake.
Thank you for coming
to my aid on
the butt thing.
One step closer to trust.
Now I'ma go out there
and help your
fedora-wearing
Jason Mraz-looking
ass, okay?
I think I look like
Andy Garcia in this hat.
You look like Seth Green.
Seth Green?
No, Tom Green.
You're thinking of Tom
Green. Tom Green.
Tom Green? No,
go back to Jason Mraz.
Okay, so, Holt's gum-covered
business card is long gone.
But I have a plan.
Great, what's the scheme?
Well, when I first moved in,
I took a couple selfies
to commemorate
getting my own office.
A couple?
Oh, please. Like you
don't have any selfies.
Let me see
your camera roll.
Zero photos?
That's so much weirder.
Thank you.
Anyway, look.
If you zoom in enough,
you can see the business card.
We can recreate it
and print a new one.
Wait, does that
say "Zeff Wilcox"?
Zeff? No,
it's probably Jeff.
You know, like
a normal human name.
Names are all made up.
There's no such thing
as a normal name.
"Terry."
I am not putting "Zeff" on
that card. It's your funeral.
Have you found
my business card?
Uh, you know what,
I actually brought it home by accident.
I got confused because I
know someone with that name.
You know another Zeff?
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, he's married
to Sharon's friend, Zudy.
We have dinner with Zeff
and Zudy once a month.
You know, I'm gonna
go home and get it.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Excuse me.
(WHISPERS)
I think they swing.
So in the end, it's more
than a vending machine.
It's a vending experience.
A vending experience that
serves fried octopus balls?
It also serves eel balls
and clam balls and
It's really just
the three kinds of balls.
Oh, okay.
On that horrifying note,
Scully and Hitchcock,
it's your turn.
Allow me to introduce
you to the Q3400.
"She's got it all.
Chips, candy, soda,
"and a whole
lot of class."
"That sounds
great for snacking,
"but what if I'm stuck
working late at the office?"
"How about a
personal-sized frozen pizza?"
"And then what?
I have to carry it
"all the way over to the
microwave on my own?
"Who has the time?"
Well, you're in luck,
because"
I get it! It cooks
the pizza for you.
It cooks
the pizza for you.
BOTH: (SINGING)
And you know
It ain't fiction
It's a natural fact
Whoo, we come together
(SINGING OFF KEY)
'Cause opposites attract
No applause? Wow.
I'm still just a little confused.
Who is Sean, really?
Why'd your sister say he
was a narc? Is he a cop?
He's not a cop.
He caught me
cheating on my boyfriend
and he snitched.
It was a real dick move,
but I have since forgiven him.
It's just weird that none of us
have ever heard of him before.
And we're paranoid
because Doug still
has that cop friend
in the NYPD.
That dude is not
my friend. Yeah.
He dumb as hell.
Yeah.
I'm always tricking him.
Well, not every time.
Plus, he's short. Everyone's
short to you. You're a giant.
Probably never
even had sex.
Seems unlikely.
He's an adult.
But the point is,
I'm Sean. Tall Sean.
Okay, well, I'm glad
to hear you're not a narc,
'cause it'd have been
real awkward considering
what we did earlier.
Huh?
While you were checking in,
we stole $10 million
worth of diamonds from that rich
Russian dude in the penthouse!
(LAUGHS) Bling,
bling, baby!
You idiots. He's NYPD.
That's Doug's cop friend.
Wow. Way to ruin Doug's
bachelor party, Trudy.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) What a buzzkill,
right, guys?
I knew it was a mistake
to invite a cop.
That's why you
should only interact
with people who are
exactly the same as you.
That's a terrible
lesson.
Sometimes things
aren't lessons.
Sometimes things are
just messed up facts.
Guys, relax,
Jake wasn't gonna arrest anybody.
No, I definitely was.
With what evidence? The
diamonds aren't even here.
They confessed
right in front of me.
Why would you
pull a heist
in the middle
of my bachelor party?
You pulled a heist
during my wedding.
(SHUSHES) He's a cop, man.
Come on, chill.
Judy. Come on,
guys. What are we gonna do?
I say we tie
this narc up,
leave him
to starve,
and disappear
with the diamonds.
Chuck.
We're not doing that.
Thank you. It'll ruin
my bachelor party.
That's your issue with it? I put
a lot of work into this weekend.
I got us all shirts that
say, "Doug's Dudes."
Ooh. Sorry,
but what's done is done.
It's not like we can
put the diamonds back.
Hold up,
that's a great idea.
We pull
a reverse heist.
Does the Russian know
his diamonds are missing?
No, we swapped
them for fakes.
Perfect, that means he hasn't
reported it. No harm, no foul.
Okay, wait. I mean,
obviously I love the premise
and I think a reverse heist
would make for a great movie
and I already
have the tag line,
"This summer there are
takebacks." Love that.
The poster would be you and me
back-to-back with our arms crossed,
but no,
I'm not on board with this. I'm a cop.
And a cop's job
is to prevent crime
and that's what
you'd be doing.
Please, Jake. For me?
Okay, fine. 'Cause it's
your bachelor party
and only if I see them
put back with my own eyes.
Yes! Deal.
Reverse heist, baby.
The Takeback.
Coming this fall to HBO.
It's a TV show now? Well,
that's where all the best content is.
So what do you think?
Which gum looks the most
like the one from the picture?
Two pink, too wet,
too small,
too chewed, too smooth,
too wet, all wrong,
too pink,
too fresh,
too dirty, too clean.
None of these work.
You struck out.
We don't have any time.
What do we do?
I don't know.
Pick one and pray.
Uh, I'm gonna
go with you.
Not that one.
This one.
Hmm. It's a little
less pink than I recall.
But I suppose we exaggerate
the beauty of those we love.
(LAUGHS) It's good to have you back,
old friend.
Can I ask why that
card is so important?
Because of Zeff Wilcox.
He was a victim
in the first case I worked.
I always want
to remember him.
That's nice. And the
words he wrote on the back.
The back
Say what, now?
Why is this blank?
I threw it away.
I thought it was trash.
I didn't know you kept it to
remember someone you helped.
I didn't help Zeff,
I failed Zeff.
His case
was never solved.
The words written on the back were,
"Thanks for nothing."
Oh, man, that's rough.
I have held onto
that card for 30 years
because I always wanted
to remember what it felt like
to let someone down,
so I'd never do it again.
That card made me
the cop I am today.
Without it
I'm lost.
Since this seems important
now, I want to be clear.
This is Terry's thing,
I've just been along for the ride.
Rosa!
Noted.
So tell us how you
stole the diamonds,
so we can
just reverse it.
Won't work. We took them
from the luggage downstairs,
posing as bellhops. It
was a one-time opportunity.
And now the fakes
are locked in the safe
in a bodyguard
protected suite.
Well lucky for you,
I have a long past in heist planning.
It's how I proposed
to my wife.
That's a great story.
Makes me cry every time.
Oh, thank you. Well,
I guess I'll tell it.
You see, once a year,
at Halloween
I can tell that
I'm losing the room.
I'll just move on.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So here's how
our thing is gonna go.
Every hotel safe
has an override code,
in case guests
leave them locked.
That code is kept on
the concierge's computer.
(CLEARS THROAT) Do you know
who this is? This is Matt Daniel,
the most popular male
ASMR performer on Twitch.
ASMR performer? Someone
who speaks real soft.
(SOFTLY)
I also crinkle paper.
We're trying to stream
and the noise
on the eighth floor
is unacceptable.
(SOFTLY) My fans can't
hear my mouth sounds.
I'm so sorry,
I can't hear you.
That's the point,
Georgina.
He says that's
the point, Georgina.
This is taking too long. Make a
video. Tell your 25 million subscribers
to never stay
at this crap hotel.
No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.
Let me talk
to my general manager.
(SOFTLY) You better run. Matt,
don't yell.
You'll strain
your beautiful voice.
PERALTA: Once we hack
into the computer
and get the override code,
Trudy will put on
a housekeeper's uniform
and I will gracefully
hide in her cart.
I got it myself.
PERALTA: Then, after the
Russian goes out for the night,
Trudy will show up
for turn-down service
and I sneak out when
the guards are distracted
by Trudy's signature
sexy housekeeping.
(MOANING)
PERALTA: Trudy will then exit,
leaving me behind in the suite
so I can unlock the balcony
door for Chuck and Doug,
who are waiting outside
on the window washer's rig.
Chuck will bring the stolen
diamonds and I'll use
the override code to put
them back where they belong.
Then, we head down to the room
where we party like hell.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Trudy Judy
It's exactly 14,
just like you promised.
You did promise
her butts.
(SOFTLY) I know.
(SOFTLY) Yeah.
SCULLY: Mmm. The smell
of fresh cooked pizza.
Where are we?
Rome, Italy?
Guys,
you got the vending machine you wanted.
You can stop
with the play acting.
BOYLE: I don't think
that's scripted.
That's just them
talking about pizza.
SCULLY: Yum, yum, yum.
Man, I shouldn't have pushed
for the fish ball machine.
I should've just
played it safe
and gone for the fish
cake machine.
So you don't think the
fish part was the problem?
I don't.
SANTIAGO: Well,
at least they're happy.
Look at 'em.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (SCULLY
AND HITCHCOCK SCREAMING)
SCULLY: My pizza!
TRUDY JUDY: Ooh.
You did it, Peralta.
You pulled off
the reverse heist.
This whole time I
thought you were a bitch.
But truth is, you're
actually that bitch!
He is, isn't he? He's that bitch.
TRUDY JUDY: Mmm-hmm.
I don't know if I want
that nickname to stick.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Ooh,
I hope my butts are back.
DOUG JUDY: I do not like how
butts have become your thing, Trudy.
You used to love horses.
Horses have butts.
Guys, it's not butts.
I'm so sorry, Doug.
Miami PD!
It's just those
three back there.
OFFICER: Hands on the table.
Jake, what the hell?
Cops always be copping.
Hey! Hey there, friends.
I tried to flag down your
taxi as you were leaving
the police station.
It was actually funny,
'cause we made
a lot of eye contact,
but you just drove off.
Anyways, I'm here now.
We can go. You want us to
take you back to New York
after you got my
friends arrested?
Nah-uh, you flying
commercial, son.
DOUG JUDY: I hope
you get a middle seat.
I hope they charge you
for your carry-ons.
I hope you sit next
to someone chatty.
Someone going through
something real hard.
I hope the pilot makes
an announcement during
the emotional climax
of the movie you're watching.
Ooh, you nasty!
Damn, Doug and Trudy Judy.
Look, I'm sorry,
but it was grand larceny.
I couldn't just let them
get away with it.
Well, if you were gonna
arrest them anyway,
why bother with
the reverse heist?
It's like Trudy said. We
didn't have the diamonds.
It wasn't enough evidence.
But we put them back. Yeah,
only because I was there.
Not to mention the fact
that I was fully complicit.
I could've gone to jail. Wait,
we destroyed your phone.
How did you call
for backup?
That was actually easy. When Doug was
distracted, yelling at the concierge
Let me talk
to my general manager.
PERALTA: I swapped out
my waterlogged phone for his.
Damn, I would've noticed
that if I wasn't trying
to live in the moment and
not look at my phone so much.
And then when I was hidden in the cart,
I called the cops.
Mmm, impossible.
I would've heard you.
Not with the Smush Shush!
(WHISPERS)
This is Jake Peralta.
I'm a detective
with the NYPD.
(GROANS) Foot cramp,
foot cramp.
First of all,
how dare you?
Second of all, will you
call Barbara Corcoran
and tell her that this
product is not useless?
I don't know her.
I'm sorry that
I betrayed you, Doug,
but I'm a cop. I
didn't have a choice.
We can still be
friends, right?
I don't know. Did you even illegally
download that O-Town album?
No.
(SCOFFS)
I bought it
at their concert.
It came bundled
with a sweatshirt.
You make me sick.
Disgusting.
Doug! Trudy! Judys!
Hey, sir. I'm sure
you're still mad at us.
Just you, not Diaz.
Okay, well, I can't
get that card back,
but I did bring
you these.
They're business cards
of people you've helped.
One mistake did not make
you the cop you are today.
Thirty years of service
to the community did.
That should be
your motivation.
I know you can't remember their names,
but
Alex Chen.
I do remember him.
36-year-old male,
carjacked at the corner of
7th Avenue and 11 th Street.
Had three siblings,
Alice, Arlene, and Anna.
Okay, so you
remember Alex Chen.
Yes, and I really
helped him.
Perhaps he'll be
my new Zeff.
Welcome back, Captain Holt. I'm
really glad we could help you with this.
Oh, no, you're not gonna
just jump back in here
now that it all
worked out!
Thank you, Diaz.
No!
No, thank Terry.
I did this!
Oh, I'm done.
You know what,
I did all of this.
This was all me!
This is ridiculous!
We barely got
to know her.
HITCHCOCK: And now
we never will.
I feel so bad
for them,
but what do you
say to someone
that's suffered
this kind of loss?
I mean, it's kind of
on them for not checking
the voltage on a machine
that had a built-in air-fryer.
Don't blame
the victim, Amy.
BOYLE: Okay, guys,
look. I know this is sad,
but maybe everything
happens for a reason.
What reason could
there possibly be
for the pain
I'm feeling?
Look, I probably shouldn't
be telling you this because
I know
you'll abuse it,
but when there's
no third machine,
you can come
back here
and do this.
Everything happens
for a reason.
Peralta! You have
to see this.
Guy got brought in
this morning.
Look what
we found on him.
Yeah, I get it, Rosa.
Every perp in the city
is invited and I'm not.
But I Wait a minute,
why is my name on this?
'Cause you're coming
to the wedding, baby!
What's going on? You're
not mad at me anymore?
I arrested your best man.
Just like I wanted you to.
I was putting on a show
in front of Trudy. What?
Katherine, my fiancée,
doesn't want any of my crook
friends coming to the wedding.
She's a federal judge,
how would that look?
Okay, but couldn't you just
tell them they're not invited?
Uh, that's an uncomfortable
conversation to have.
It was much easier this way.
Oh, my God. This whole
thing was a set up?
(CHUCKLES) You wanted
me to find that invitation.
Mmm-hmm. You knew I
would never go on a trip
with a bunch of crooks
unless I felt unwanted.
Classic negging.
I bet you planned to have
your bachelor party at that hotel
because you knew the
oligarch was staying there.
Hell, yeah, otherwise
I would've got an Airbnb.
And as soon as your
friends committed a crime,
you banked on me
needing to arrest them.
Damn right. You're
the most consistent person
in my life, Peralta.
I can always count on you.
But, there is one
detail you missed.
You never saw
what I was painting
on the inside of my mug
at the pottery place.
PERALTA: "Will you be
my best man"?
Judy, is this for real?
It ain't fiction.
(SINGING)
Just a natural fact
What?
BOTH: (SINGING)
We come together
'Cause opposites attract
I'll do it!
(EXCLAIMS)
BOTH: (SINGING) I'm
MC Kat on the rap So, mic it
Here's a little story
And you're sure to like it
The worst rap!
(LAUGHS)
you need to come with me right now.
Can I eat my bagel?
Trust me, you're not gonna
wanna eat before you see this.
That's Shane Reed.
Suspect in a string of B&Es.
Got pulled over this
morning. This was in his trunk.
Son of a bitch!
Peralta Peralta,
calm down.
Why am I here?
I didn't do anything.
You broke into
15 houses, Shane,
but that's not what
I care about right now.
All I care about is what
we found in your car.
I don't understand. He
doesn't understand, Diaz.
Why don't you
fill him in?
"You are invited
to celebrate the wedding
"of Katherine Joyner
and Douglas Judy."
Douglas Judy, AKA Doug Judy,
AKA, the Pontiac Bandit.
Maybe.
PERALTA: That's a yes.
Now tell me, Shane,
when did you get the invite?
What? When did you
receive the invite in the mail,
and how come
I didn't get one?
Why would you get an
invite? Do you know Doug?
Hey, I'm the one asking
the questions here!
Calm down, Jake.
Maybe it's a small wedding.
Okay, good point. How big is the venue,
Shane?
I said how big
is the venue?
(SPUTTERS) I don't know!
(MIMICS STAMMER) I don't
know! But I bet you do know
the password to the wedding website,
don't you?
Yeah, I guess.
Well, then I guess you
better tell it to me, Shane.
You wash my back,
I'll wash yours.
Wash? I meant scratch.
You know I meant scratch.
Now tell me the password. I
think it's "dougandkateforever."
(CHUCKLES) There,
was that so hard, Shane?
You did
the right thing.
Now get this piece of
trash out of my sight.
Oh, is forever spelled
out or is it the number four?
Oh, it's spelled out.
Okay, thank you so much.
Now get this piece
of trash out of my sight!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm so glad
you called.
Thanks for meeting me
at my favorite establishment.
A place where
you paint pottery?
I find a hand-painted mug
makes a thoughtful
gift for any occasion.
So, what's going on?
Anything exciting
in your life
that you maybe
wanna tell me about?
I got a new job.
I sit behind white CEOs
when they have
to testify before Congress,
so they don't
look so racist.
Every 15 minutes I just
whisper some nonsense at 'em.
The texture of quiche
is unsettling.
I got paid $75,000
for that nonsense.
(LAUGHS) That's cool,
congratulations.
But there's nothing else,
you know, maybe
even more interesting
that you wanna
fill me in on?
It seemed like
a pretty cool fact to me.
All right. Look, Judy,
I know you're getting married.
Damn it. I didn't think
you'd find out about that.
Who told you?
Ronnie? Bobby?
Ricky? Mike?
Don't try and change
the subject by tricking me
into singing
New Edition with you.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Ronnie, Bobby,
Ricky and Mike
BOTH: (SINGING) If I love
the girl Who cares who you like
Whoo!
So all is forgiven?
No! Why didn't you
invite me?
I wanted to,
but a lot of people
in my life are crooks,
and they think it's weird
that I'm friends with a cop.
They just don't
understand. Kind of like
parents?
No, no more songs.
Look, I'm having
my bachelor party
tomorrow night and I
want you to be there.
We'll make up
a criminal alias for you
so you can meet the boys.
Obviously that's
a super cool plan,
but no, I don't
want your pity.
Suit yourself,
but it's gonna be
one sexy-ass weekend.
Like
How sexy-ass
are we talking here?
Private jet
to Miami, baby!
And there's
a red carpet!
Forget the red carpet.
Private jet!
Yes, and a jet!
The jet is better.
Miami, here we come!
Whoo!
Today is Holt's
first day
back in his office
and I wanna make sure
everything is just
how he left it.
Now, I can't
remember,
was this little
figurine of Cheddar
at a 45 or 50
degree angle?
Terry, it's a five
degree difference.
You better
figure it out.
Ah, I missed
this place.
Huh, little
Cheddar's askew.
You really made yourself at home,
didn't you, Jeffords?
But, uh, no matter.
Just glad to be here.
(LAUGHS)
I am a captain again.
Back where I belong.
Everything is perfect.
Wow. There's
absolutely nothing
that could
puncture my
Where's the business card? What?
The business card
that was right here.
It had a piece of gum on it.
It's very important to me.
You didn't throw it away,
did you?
Pfft! No, Terry
would never
throw away something that
looked exactly like trash.
Good. I'll be back
in half an hour.
Make sure it's
on my desk by then.
Will do, sir.
I got it. I'm on it.
I definitely
threw it away.
DOUG JUDY: I want you
to meet the guys.
This is Nathan,
Josh, and Chuck.
This is my buddy, Sean,
from prison. How's it going, fellas?
I've never heard you
mention Sean before.
Yeah, well, like he said,
I just got out of jail.
Five years. Tough
sentence. What'd you do?
Elder abuse. Got my grandpa good,
so
Damn, that's
very upsetting.
PERALTA: Damn
straight it is.
Elder abuse?
I was trying to think
of something that
wouldn't inspire any
follow-up questions.
Doug Judy!
Cubes!
My man.
Sean, I'd like you
to meet the man
whose private jet
we are flying on today.
Yeah, you're Mark Cuban.
How do you guys
know each other?
Doug came on Shark Tank
to pitch his idea
for the Smush Shush.
It's a noise-cancelling
blanket for secret sex.
The product demonstration
did not go well.
Robert fainted.
Anyway, enjoy the jet.
Just bring it back
in one piece, okay?
No promises,
Mark Cuban.
I mean, we do wanna
make sure the airplane
stays in one piece
though, right?
Nah, I saw Flight.
If anything goes wrong,
fly the plane upside down.
Oh, right, I forgot about
Flight, the movie, Flight.
All right,
let's rip it up!
What's going on here?
Oh, measuring
the space.
We finally got
a work order
approved to fix
the outlet, so
(WHISPERING) We can get
a third vending machine.
What?
(WHISPERS) A third
vending machine.
Why are you whispering about
getting a new vending machine?
New vending machine!
What model number?
Oh, that's why.
We asked you
what model number.
I don't know,
a normal one
with glass in the front.
Seriously? Did you even
look into the DiGiSnax 600E?
I'd be into a fancy
machine, too.
I was just reading
about a Japanese one
that serves shellfish.
We're not getting
a shellfish machine.
Yeah, Boyle, we're
getting a smart machine
that suggests soda pairings
based on your chip choice.
Or one with a
make-it-wet gravy feature.
(SIGHS) Okay, look. Why don't
you get a few options together
and then
I'll decide, okay?
At least Terry's
not here
to try to make me
get a yogurt machine.
What was that
about yogurt?
This jet is insane.
There's a private chef
that'll make
anything you ask for,
no matter how expensive.
I just ordered
lobster enchanté.
Oh, damn, what's that?
I don't know. I just said the
fanciest words I could think of.
Oh, I'm gonna get
the Veal Prime Minister.
Mmm, that sounds good.
Hey, you wanna
try out the Smush Shush?
What? You have
one with you?
I take it
everywhere, baby.
Yeah, there it is.
Yeah.
So it's noise canceling?
(GROANING)
It's so heavy.
It's crushing my bones.
Yeah, that was the Shark's
problem with it, too.
I can't breathe.
Get it off me.
Get it off me.
Yeah, you sound exactly
like Barbara right now.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Disappointed in you, Jake.
Pilot says we're
starting our descent.
Then let's get
changed, boys!
Changed? But these
are my coolest clothes.
I got them from
a targeted Instagram ad
after looking
at photos of Cam Newton.
The outfit's beautiful,
but it doesn't really say
(WHISPERS) "Miami."
What does say, "Miami"?
(LATIN POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Are you sure this is
culturally okay for me?
We're gonna find out.
All right.
PERALTA: Damn, Judy,
this place is nice.
Yeah,
some Russian oligarch got the penthouse,
but this is
the second nicest room.
Surprise!
Trudy Judy! What you doing
here? I thought you were in prison.
Nope, I was
a real sweet pea,
so they let me out
for good behavior.
What the hell?
What's this narc doing here?
(SPUTTERS) What?
Nuh-uh!
What the hell was that?
You almost blew my cover.
Yeah, they're
all suspicious now.
You have to help us convince
them that Jake's not a cop.
Why? I don't understand
why you invited him.
This was supposed
to be a crazy weekend
of boobs and butts.
Trudy Judy, you're not gonna
see boobs or butts this weekend.
I'll see butts
if I wanna see butts.
And Jake is here
because he's my friend
and he really
wanted to come.
No, he's up
to something.
He's probably here
to arrest Chuck.
I would never
arrest Chuck.
But, I mean,
why'd you say that? What did Chuck do?
Wow. Cops
always be copping.
That's not true.
I do bad things.
One time I illegally
downloaded an O-Town album.
Dang, that's one
of the hardest boy bands.
Exactly, they're scary.
Look, I can be cool.
As long as nobody
commits any major crimes
in front of me.
It's not a problem. We don't
have to break the law to have fun.
We gonna have some drinks,
smoke some Cubans,
eat a steak,
either crazy big or crazy small,
whichever's
more expensive.
I'd rather see butts.
Fine, if I let you
see butts,
will you convince the guys
that Jake's not a cop?
How many butts
are we talking?
Six.
Ten.
Seven.
Nine.
Fine, eight. I'll meet you in the
middle. Nah, you waited too long.
Now it's up to 14.
Fourteen butts?
TRUDY JUDY: Mmm-hmm. She's a grown
woman. Just let her see butts, man.
Thank you, Jake.
Thank you for coming
to my aid on
the butt thing.
One step closer to trust.
Now I'ma go out there
and help your
fedora-wearing
Jason Mraz-looking
ass, okay?
I think I look like
Andy Garcia in this hat.
You look like Seth Green.
Seth Green?
No, Tom Green.
You're thinking of Tom
Green. Tom Green.
Tom Green? No,
go back to Jason Mraz.
Okay, so, Holt's gum-covered
business card is long gone.
But I have a plan.
Great, what's the scheme?
Well, when I first moved in,
I took a couple selfies
to commemorate
getting my own office.
A couple?
Oh, please. Like you
don't have any selfies.
Let me see
your camera roll.
Zero photos?
That's so much weirder.
Thank you.
Anyway, look.
If you zoom in enough,
you can see the business card.
We can recreate it
and print a new one.
Wait, does that
say "Zeff Wilcox"?
Zeff? No,
it's probably Jeff.
You know, like
a normal human name.
Names are all made up.
There's no such thing
as a normal name.
"Terry."
I am not putting "Zeff" on
that card. It's your funeral.
Have you found
my business card?
Uh, you know what,
I actually brought it home by accident.
I got confused because I
know someone with that name.
You know another Zeff?
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, he's married
to Sharon's friend, Zudy.
We have dinner with Zeff
and Zudy once a month.
You know, I'm gonna
go home and get it.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Excuse me.
(WHISPERS)
I think they swing.
So in the end, it's more
than a vending machine.
It's a vending experience.
A vending experience that
serves fried octopus balls?
It also serves eel balls
and clam balls and
It's really just
the three kinds of balls.
Oh, okay.
On that horrifying note,
Scully and Hitchcock,
it's your turn.
Allow me to introduce
you to the Q3400.
"She's got it all.
Chips, candy, soda,
"and a whole
lot of class."
"That sounds
great for snacking,
"but what if I'm stuck
working late at the office?"
"How about a
personal-sized frozen pizza?"
"And then what?
I have to carry it
"all the way over to the
microwave on my own?
"Who has the time?"
Well, you're in luck,
because"
I get it! It cooks
the pizza for you.
It cooks
the pizza for you.
BOTH: (SINGING)
And you know
It ain't fiction
It's a natural fact
Whoo, we come together
(SINGING OFF KEY)
'Cause opposites attract
No applause? Wow.
I'm still just a little confused.
Who is Sean, really?
Why'd your sister say he
was a narc? Is he a cop?
He's not a cop.
He caught me
cheating on my boyfriend
and he snitched.
It was a real dick move,
but I have since forgiven him.
It's just weird that none of us
have ever heard of him before.
And we're paranoid
because Doug still
has that cop friend
in the NYPD.
That dude is not
my friend. Yeah.
He dumb as hell.
Yeah.
I'm always tricking him.
Well, not every time.
Plus, he's short. Everyone's
short to you. You're a giant.
Probably never
even had sex.
Seems unlikely.
He's an adult.
But the point is,
I'm Sean. Tall Sean.
Okay, well, I'm glad
to hear you're not a narc,
'cause it'd have been
real awkward considering
what we did earlier.
Huh?
While you were checking in,
we stole $10 million
worth of diamonds from that rich
Russian dude in the penthouse!
(LAUGHS) Bling,
bling, baby!
You idiots. He's NYPD.
That's Doug's cop friend.
Wow. Way to ruin Doug's
bachelor party, Trudy.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) What a buzzkill,
right, guys?
I knew it was a mistake
to invite a cop.
That's why you
should only interact
with people who are
exactly the same as you.
That's a terrible
lesson.
Sometimes things
aren't lessons.
Sometimes things are
just messed up facts.
Guys, relax,
Jake wasn't gonna arrest anybody.
No, I definitely was.
With what evidence? The
diamonds aren't even here.
They confessed
right in front of me.
Why would you
pull a heist
in the middle
of my bachelor party?
You pulled a heist
during my wedding.
(SHUSHES) He's a cop, man.
Come on, chill.
Judy. Come on,
guys. What are we gonna do?
I say we tie
this narc up,
leave him
to starve,
and disappear
with the diamonds.
Chuck.
We're not doing that.
Thank you. It'll ruin
my bachelor party.
That's your issue with it? I put
a lot of work into this weekend.
I got us all shirts that
say, "Doug's Dudes."
Ooh. Sorry,
but what's done is done.
It's not like we can
put the diamonds back.
Hold up,
that's a great idea.
We pull
a reverse heist.
Does the Russian know
his diamonds are missing?
No, we swapped
them for fakes.
Perfect, that means he hasn't
reported it. No harm, no foul.
Okay, wait. I mean,
obviously I love the premise
and I think a reverse heist
would make for a great movie
and I already
have the tag line,
"This summer there are
takebacks." Love that.
The poster would be you and me
back-to-back with our arms crossed,
but no,
I'm not on board with this. I'm a cop.
And a cop's job
is to prevent crime
and that's what
you'd be doing.
Please, Jake. For me?
Okay, fine. 'Cause it's
your bachelor party
and only if I see them
put back with my own eyes.
Yes! Deal.
Reverse heist, baby.
The Takeback.
Coming this fall to HBO.
It's a TV show now? Well,
that's where all the best content is.
So what do you think?
Which gum looks the most
like the one from the picture?
Two pink, too wet,
too small,
too chewed, too smooth,
too wet, all wrong,
too pink,
too fresh,
too dirty, too clean.
None of these work.
You struck out.
We don't have any time.
What do we do?
I don't know.
Pick one and pray.
Uh, I'm gonna
go with you.
Not that one.
This one.
Hmm. It's a little
less pink than I recall.
But I suppose we exaggerate
the beauty of those we love.
(LAUGHS) It's good to have you back,
old friend.
Can I ask why that
card is so important?
Because of Zeff Wilcox.
He was a victim
in the first case I worked.
I always want
to remember him.
That's nice. And the
words he wrote on the back.
The back
Say what, now?
Why is this blank?
I threw it away.
I thought it was trash.
I didn't know you kept it to
remember someone you helped.
I didn't help Zeff,
I failed Zeff.
His case
was never solved.
The words written on the back were,
"Thanks for nothing."
Oh, man, that's rough.
I have held onto
that card for 30 years
because I always wanted
to remember what it felt like
to let someone down,
so I'd never do it again.
That card made me
the cop I am today.
Without it
I'm lost.
Since this seems important
now, I want to be clear.
This is Terry's thing,
I've just been along for the ride.
Rosa!
Noted.
So tell us how you
stole the diamonds,
so we can
just reverse it.
Won't work. We took them
from the luggage downstairs,
posing as bellhops. It
was a one-time opportunity.
And now the fakes
are locked in the safe
in a bodyguard
protected suite.
Well lucky for you,
I have a long past in heist planning.
It's how I proposed
to my wife.
That's a great story.
Makes me cry every time.
Oh, thank you. Well,
I guess I'll tell it.
You see, once a year,
at Halloween
I can tell that
I'm losing the room.
I'll just move on.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So here's how
our thing is gonna go.
Every hotel safe
has an override code,
in case guests
leave them locked.
That code is kept on
the concierge's computer.
(CLEARS THROAT) Do you know
who this is? This is Matt Daniel,
the most popular male
ASMR performer on Twitch.
ASMR performer? Someone
who speaks real soft.
(SOFTLY)
I also crinkle paper.
We're trying to stream
and the noise
on the eighth floor
is unacceptable.
(SOFTLY) My fans can't
hear my mouth sounds.
I'm so sorry,
I can't hear you.
That's the point,
Georgina.
He says that's
the point, Georgina.
This is taking too long. Make a
video. Tell your 25 million subscribers
to never stay
at this crap hotel.
No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.
Let me talk
to my general manager.
(SOFTLY) You better run. Matt,
don't yell.
You'll strain
your beautiful voice.
PERALTA: Once we hack
into the computer
and get the override code,
Trudy will put on
a housekeeper's uniform
and I will gracefully
hide in her cart.
I got it myself.
PERALTA: Then, after the
Russian goes out for the night,
Trudy will show up
for turn-down service
and I sneak out when
the guards are distracted
by Trudy's signature
sexy housekeeping.
(MOANING)
PERALTA: Trudy will then exit,
leaving me behind in the suite
so I can unlock the balcony
door for Chuck and Doug,
who are waiting outside
on the window washer's rig.
Chuck will bring the stolen
diamonds and I'll use
the override code to put
them back where they belong.
Then, we head down to the room
where we party like hell.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Trudy Judy
It's exactly 14,
just like you promised.
You did promise
her butts.
(SOFTLY) I know.
(SOFTLY) Yeah.
SCULLY: Mmm. The smell
of fresh cooked pizza.
Where are we?
Rome, Italy?
Guys,
you got the vending machine you wanted.
You can stop
with the play acting.
BOYLE: I don't think
that's scripted.
That's just them
talking about pizza.
SCULLY: Yum, yum, yum.
Man, I shouldn't have pushed
for the fish ball machine.
I should've just
played it safe
and gone for the fish
cake machine.
So you don't think the
fish part was the problem?
I don't.
SANTIAGO: Well,
at least they're happy.
Look at 'em.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (SCULLY
AND HITCHCOCK SCREAMING)
SCULLY: My pizza!
TRUDY JUDY: Ooh.
You did it, Peralta.
You pulled off
the reverse heist.
This whole time I
thought you were a bitch.
But truth is, you're
actually that bitch!
He is, isn't he? He's that bitch.
TRUDY JUDY: Mmm-hmm.
I don't know if I want
that nickname to stick.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Ooh,
I hope my butts are back.
DOUG JUDY: I do not like how
butts have become your thing, Trudy.
You used to love horses.
Horses have butts.
Guys, it's not butts.
I'm so sorry, Doug.
Miami PD!
It's just those
three back there.
OFFICER: Hands on the table.
Jake, what the hell?
Cops always be copping.
Hey! Hey there, friends.
I tried to flag down your
taxi as you were leaving
the police station.
It was actually funny,
'cause we made
a lot of eye contact,
but you just drove off.
Anyways, I'm here now.
We can go. You want us to
take you back to New York
after you got my
friends arrested?
Nah-uh, you flying
commercial, son.
DOUG JUDY: I hope
you get a middle seat.
I hope they charge you
for your carry-ons.
I hope you sit next
to someone chatty.
Someone going through
something real hard.
I hope the pilot makes
an announcement during
the emotional climax
of the movie you're watching.
Ooh, you nasty!
Damn, Doug and Trudy Judy.
Look, I'm sorry,
but it was grand larceny.
I couldn't just let them
get away with it.
Well, if you were gonna
arrest them anyway,
why bother with
the reverse heist?
It's like Trudy said. We
didn't have the diamonds.
It wasn't enough evidence.
But we put them back. Yeah,
only because I was there.
Not to mention the fact
that I was fully complicit.
I could've gone to jail. Wait,
we destroyed your phone.
How did you call
for backup?
That was actually easy. When Doug was
distracted, yelling at the concierge
Let me talk
to my general manager.
PERALTA: I swapped out
my waterlogged phone for his.
Damn, I would've noticed
that if I wasn't trying
to live in the moment and
not look at my phone so much.
And then when I was hidden in the cart,
I called the cops.
Mmm, impossible.
I would've heard you.
Not with the Smush Shush!
(WHISPERS)
This is Jake Peralta.
I'm a detective
with the NYPD.
(GROANS) Foot cramp,
foot cramp.
First of all,
how dare you?
Second of all, will you
call Barbara Corcoran
and tell her that this
product is not useless?
I don't know her.
I'm sorry that
I betrayed you, Doug,
but I'm a cop. I
didn't have a choice.
We can still be
friends, right?
I don't know. Did you even illegally
download that O-Town album?
No.
(SCOFFS)
I bought it
at their concert.
It came bundled
with a sweatshirt.
You make me sick.
Disgusting.
Doug! Trudy! Judys!
Hey, sir. I'm sure
you're still mad at us.
Just you, not Diaz.
Okay, well, I can't
get that card back,
but I did bring
you these.
They're business cards
of people you've helped.
One mistake did not make
you the cop you are today.
Thirty years of service
to the community did.
That should be
your motivation.
I know you can't remember their names,
but
Alex Chen.
I do remember him.
36-year-old male,
carjacked at the corner of
7th Avenue and 11 th Street.
Had three siblings,
Alice, Arlene, and Anna.
Okay, so you
remember Alex Chen.
Yes, and I really
helped him.
Perhaps he'll be
my new Zeff.
Welcome back, Captain Holt. I'm
really glad we could help you with this.
Oh, no, you're not gonna
just jump back in here
now that it all
worked out!
Thank you, Diaz.
No!
No, thank Terry.
I did this!
Oh, I'm done.
You know what,
I did all of this.
This was all me!
This is ridiculous!
We barely got
to know her.
HITCHCOCK: And now
we never will.
I feel so bad
for them,
but what do you
say to someone
that's suffered
this kind of loss?
I mean, it's kind of
on them for not checking
the voltage on a machine
that had a built-in air-fryer.
Don't blame
the victim, Amy.
BOYLE: Okay, guys,
look. I know this is sad,
but maybe everything
happens for a reason.
What reason could
there possibly be
for the pain
I'm feeling?
Look, I probably shouldn't
be telling you this because
I know
you'll abuse it,
but when there's
no third machine,
you can come
back here
and do this.
Everything happens
for a reason.
Peralta! You have
to see this.
Guy got brought in
this morning.
Look what
we found on him.
Yeah, I get it, Rosa.
Every perp in the city
is invited and I'm not.
But I Wait a minute,
why is my name on this?
'Cause you're coming
to the wedding, baby!
What's going on? You're
not mad at me anymore?
I arrested your best man.
Just like I wanted you to.
I was putting on a show
in front of Trudy. What?
Katherine, my fiancée,
doesn't want any of my crook
friends coming to the wedding.
She's a federal judge,
how would that look?
Okay, but couldn't you just
tell them they're not invited?
Uh, that's an uncomfortable
conversation to have.
It was much easier this way.
Oh, my God. This whole
thing was a set up?
(CHUCKLES) You wanted
me to find that invitation.
Mmm-hmm. You knew I
would never go on a trip
with a bunch of crooks
unless I felt unwanted.
Classic negging.
I bet you planned to have
your bachelor party at that hotel
because you knew the
oligarch was staying there.
Hell, yeah, otherwise
I would've got an Airbnb.
And as soon as your
friends committed a crime,
you banked on me
needing to arrest them.
Damn right. You're
the most consistent person
in my life, Peralta.
I can always count on you.
But, there is one
detail you missed.
You never saw
what I was painting
on the inside of my mug
at the pottery place.
PERALTA: "Will you be
my best man"?
Judy, is this for real?
It ain't fiction.
(SINGING)
Just a natural fact
What?
BOTH: (SINGING)
We come together
'Cause opposites attract
I'll do it!
(EXCLAIMS)
BOTH: (SINGING) I'm
MC Kat on the rap So, mic it
Here's a little story
And you're sure to like it
The worst rap!
(LAUGHS)